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Sometimes, Faye doesn’t know what to do anymore. Most of the time, it only needs distraction and a lot of forehead kisses. But when it’s in the middle of the night, and they’re both trying to catch some much-wanted sleep, it happens worse.
It isn’t as if Yoko doesn’t trust her. Sometimes, it just gets uncomfortable overthinking things. Like this one particular night when she wakes up to the sound of Yoko’s silent cries.
“Sweetheart?”
The groggy, raspy voice pulls Yoko out of her reveries and makes her focus on Faye’s outline in the dark.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up,” she tries to get the words out between hiccups. The girl is sitting on one of their balcony chairs; her small frame shrinks even smaller to fight off the cold breeze. “Bad dreams.”
Faye is shushing the girl before she can even utter the apology. It hurts her to see Yoko like this.“Don’t ever apologize to me about this. Rouse me any time as much as you’d like, and I’ll be here,” she cooes. “What are you even doing over there? Come back here. It’s freezing, and you’re only wearing a nightgown.”
“Go back to sleep. It’s still too early,” Yoko dismissively replies.
“I know it’s too early, so I’m asking you to come back here with me,” she sassily counters.
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
Yoko’s voice cracks by the end of the sentence. Faye swiftly turns on the bedside lamp and rubs her sleep-riddled eyes as she walks towards the younger woman. Her frown is enough to make Yoko worried, but her determined eyes keep her sentimental.
“I’m really sorry to wake you up.”
“Don’t be. I can’t sleep without holding you anyway,” she kisses her temple. “You know that.”
Yoko nods and contemplates whether or not to tell her. It’s just hard to explain.
“You can tell me.” As if reading her thoughts, Faye’s palm presses against her right cheek so she faces her entirely. Her brown eyes seek out the storm hiding in Yoko’s, and the younger woman can’t help but let a little vulnerability slip out.
A tear gets stopped by Faye’s thumb. Suddenly, Yoko’s getting pulled closer, a pair of lips covering her own in comfort. Faye doesn’t rush anything or move but instead keeps her lips pressed against hers. This is her way of letting Yoko know she’s in control, and she offers her help if she wants it.
“Tell me what you need me to do,” she whispers against her mouth. Faye’s fingers lazily caress her face back and forth, her other hand slipping inside the nightgown. She slightly upturns her lips, and Yoko knows she’s smirking, just itching to touch her again. “Anything you ask, I’ll do it. I’ll give it to you. Just…” Faye’s other hand leaves her face and settles on the back of Yoko’s neck, holding her in place.
“Just?” Yoko breathes slowly.
“Just don’t cry. It pains me.”
Yoko’s eyes flutter open, and she pulls back again to face her lover despite her hand that’s strongly cupping her neck. Faye’s eyes search hers for any discomfort, the once teasing fingers on the waistband of her panties turn into soft circles against her thighs. She’s so sweet and gentle, and Yoko wonders why she’s worthy to be there with her.
“I just feel like I’m constantly ruining everything for you.”
Faye furrows her eyebrows in question. She lifts the woman up like she weighs nothing and settles her back inside, under their warm covers.“However do you mean?”
“This relationship that we have,” Yoko explains, searching for the best words to use so as not to be misunderstood. “It’s taking a toll on you. Only a fool can’t see it. And I take, and I take everything from you, but I feel like all I’ve ever given you back are more headaches and more problems. Especially with what happened with…” she trails off, not wanting to roll his forbidden name on her lips.
Faye catches this, too. It’s been months since they last heard or uttered it, and it angers her how a name can affect them this much, even though he’s already been put away. Faye ensured Yoko was safe from the time they set foot in her condo four months ago up until now. No way in hell is that going to change.
“I can offer no solutions. I feel helpless and weak, and I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
“No. Why would you— Darling, have I ever made you feel that way?” Faye asks, an incredulous but sincere expression on her face.
“Never,” Yoko answers too quickly. “You’re wonderful to me, and I love you so.”
“So where’s all of this coming from?” Faye readjusts her position on the bed, one arm tucked under her head as a pillow so she can see her lover better. “Please help me understand.”
“I just overthink things. Mull over those once in a while, and I get terrified by how much it bothers me,” she bites her lip and lowers her head in embarrassment. It’s honestly not something Yoko wants to tell her. These thoughts are inescapable and persistent, but she knows that Faye deserves to know. “I’m sorry. It’s a bad habit, I know.”
“Don’t ever be sorry about that. You are the love of my life, and I appreciate you telling me, darling, I really do,” she smiles a little. “If I ever made you feel like you’re unworthy of my love, please take the liberty of punching me in the gut.
“You say that you take everything, but that’s because I give you my everything. You say you feel like you only bring me problems, but that’s not true. You give me back love,” Faye rambles on. “Understanding. Comfort and joy and warmth and happiness I can barely contain it inside me. You say you don’t offer solutions, but you do. I have experts, lawyers, publicists, and whoever else for the technicalities when I need them. However, no one else can provide me with the right advice and sound judgment except you.”
“I have so much love for you,” Faye’s voice drops significantly lower that it sends shivers down Yoko’s spine. “I have never wanted anyone else as much as I want you and… I only want you,” she trails kisses down her neck and pins both of her hands on the sheets. “Never a burden to me. You’re not taking anything; you add value to my life,” Faye emphasizes. “Please don’t be afraid to tell me things like this. Let me help. I’ll gladly reassure you over and over again.”
Yoko wants to thank her for the reassurances, and for the patience, and the love. She wants to let Faye know that she’s also loved and cared for, that everything is magnified a hundred times more when she’s with her, but the warmth of Faye’s kisses renders her speechless and rigid, like she’s going to burst into flames in the places where Faye leaves wet patches on her skin if she moves.
When Faye’s mouth encircles her nipples, and those hands finally slip inside her underwear, Yoko decides she’ll have to thank her properly some other time.
Faye’s tender gaze on her while she sucks her clit reassures her that she knows Yoko’s grateful for her. Her slowly pumping fingers inside of her tell that she understands, that there’s no need for words, that it’s okay to let go.
“I have you. You can let go, darling, I’m here.”
“Faye, I-“
She sucks harder and pumps faster, and it’s so good, God it’s so good , and she’s so perfect, and Yoko momentarily forgets why she’s even overthinking in the first place.
“Fuck, I- baby, I’m going to—“
“Do it,” she hums. “Cum for me.”
The ache, the pulsations, the delicious feeling of being with her intimately crushes all doubts and fears. Her anxiety hides itself away at the thoughts of only Faye infiltrating her mind, tucked away in isolation for another time.
When Faye pulls out softly to make sure the younger woman is not uncomfortable or hurt and as she slowly comes back up to kiss her hard enough for Yoko to taste her own juices, she knows it’s going to be okay.
“I love you, Faye.”
“I know,” she smiles cheekily. “Don’t you know I love you too?”
The sun rises. Its rays slowly envelop their figures, but neither moves to start the day. Perhaps it’s exhaustion, or maybe it’s the contentment of just being in each other’s arms. Nobody is mentioning anything, but the older woman actually has to go to work at the salon and attend several events throughout that day. Nevertheless, Faye lazily lifts her arm so Yoko can lay her head on it comfortably.
“Do you want to tell me now?” She asks the younger woman carefully. “They’re getting frequent, aren’t they? The nightmares?”
Yoko frowns. It still surprises her how much Faye paid attention to every detail when it came to her. “They’re not exactly nightmares, you know?”
“Memories, then?” Faye doesn’t miss a beat. She drops a kiss on her forehead like clockwork.
“I still feel it sometimes,” Yoko admits, but she refuses to cry this time. Faye is still here after everything. Her fears of losing her can’t drown out the sound of her lover’s soft words. “His hands around… umm. I don’t think it’ll ever go away.”
“Oh, baby,” Faye frowns at the revelation. “I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk to someone? Someone who can help explain and get you through this?”
Yoko nods after a couple of seconds. “I think I’d like that.”
“You know I’ll still be there with you, right? You know I’m not going anywhere else? Hm?” Faye dips low to catch her mouth in a promising kiss.
Yoko giggles against her smile. “I know.”
“Good,” she pushes the covers and stands up, naked limbs stretching upward, a small smile on her lips. Yoko gathers the blankets around her own frame and asks, “Where are you going?”
“I’ve got a couple of things to do today, remember?” Faye replies apologetically. “Salon. Prada. Some other stuff. I’ll probably be home late. Will you be alright here?”
“I might ask Marissa to come by,” she shrugs.” Or I could just watch Netflix all day long.”
Faye picks up her discarded button-down shirt on the floor and puts it on. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? I already informed them I might be bringing someone in case you change your mind.”
“I’ll be okay,” Yoko rolls her eyes at her lover’s apparent concerns.
“If anything happens and you need me, let me know ASAP. Alright?” Faye cups her cheeks and looks at her intently. “Text me or call me, it doesn’t matter which one, I’ll always answer and be here. Okay?”
“I said I’ll be okay. Don’t worry too much and enjoy today,” she laughs heartily albeit relieved to hear those reassuring words. “Go wash up, you big baby.”
As soon as Faye kisses her goodbye that morning, Yoko immediately falls back to sleep. It would’ve been nice to catch up on some rest, but hours later, her dreams are infiltrated by the memories she’s trying to forget. It’s as if her subconscious is working extra hard to go against her. She jolts awake, sweat covering her whole body despite shivering from the cold breeze of their AC. Yoko wipes her tears profusely and looks around, afraid someone might see her in a distressed state despite knowing she’s alone in their apartment.
She sighs audibly and checks the time on their bedside table. Afternoon.
Faye is probably being rushed from one place to another at this point. Her Prada event starts at 4 PM, and Yoko knows this by heart because her cute little girlfriend can’t help but remind her every day in hopes of coaxing her to agree to come. Poor Yoko can’t handle crowds, even more so now in her anxious state.
She decides to get up and have a little snack, though the pounding in her head makes it hard to chew. She forces herself to eat because she can’t bear to imagine the look on Faye’s face when she tells her that she hasn’t eaten anything.
“I want you to take care of yourself, even if I’m not around,” Faye told her weeks ago. “Remember to eat healthy and sleep early when your schedule permits.”
Yoko tries her best to focus on watching some videos to entertain herself. Thoughts of the trial, his smirking face when she took the stand that day, and his empty threats still linger. Angry, and hurt, and resentful — she feels everything all at once. Why did it happen to her? What exactly has she done in her past life to warrant this kind of punishment?
Yoko catches herself staring in front of the vanity mirror. Her skin looks clean, but why does she still feel dirty? There are no longer traces of him left, but why does it feel like there are still phantom touches that remain unhealed?
She can’t remember a time when she’s had to deal with something like this. If she did, it was only with Faye, and Faye’s presence always helps. She realizes that today is the first day she’s had to figure it out herself without her girlfriend to help her out.
What a messy, long day ahead.
Sighing for the umpteenth time, she checks her phone for the first time today and sees some messages from Faye.
Lilisorn 🖤 [8:36 AM]: Just arrived at AMOR. Tanya already opened up the shop and they’re teasing me why I’m late. I’m the owner I can’t be late right baby :(
Lilisorn 🖤 [9:45 AM]: I’m so bored. Wish you were here. Eating my snack :p
Lilisorn 🖤 [9:45 AM]: (Photo Attached)
Yoko was horrified at the photo of sliced lemons on a plate. She makes a mental note to scold Faye for eating sour fruit first thing in the morning.
Lilisorn 🖤 [9:46 AM]: Are you asleep? What are you doing over there? I think you’re asleep. That’s good. Sending good dreams my darling
Lilisorn 🖤 [10:15 AM]: Look at this cute hamster I found on TikTok it looks like you
Lilisorn 🖤 [10:16 AM]: I miss you love :(
Lilisorm 🖤 [1:25 PM]: Just had my lunch! Make sure to eat when you wake up and drink plenty of water. The pantry’s stocked with all of your favorites. I won’t be able to update for a while. We’ll be prepping. Call or text if you need anything, okay?
Lilisorn 🖤 [1:25 PM]: I love you, Yoko. Can’t wait to come home to you.
Upon reading the last message, Yoko smiles. Faye is still here, even if she’s not physically beside her. So, despite the rather rough morning, Yoko’s sure she’ll be able to survive the day.
From Dearest ♥️ [2:00 PM]: I love you! Have fun and bring more snacks 😂 I miss you too.
Yoko’s smile lingers, and she feels energy coming back to her. No matter what happens today, she’ll be okay. She has to be when Faye’s this excited to see her again. The trauma might not go away quickly as much as they want it to, but every day is a new day that they learn something to keep them going.
That same afternoon, Marissa came by, and they bonded over watching some Netflix shows. They talked and laughed together and updated each other about their lives. It feels good to have her friends around her as well and suddenly, it doesn’t seem like it’s a lonely day to live anymore. Yoko thanks the universe for giving her many people who love and care for her. She swears this is something she will not take for granted.
Yoko was fighting off sleep in order to catch her lover’s arrival. It’s almost 10 PM when she hears the familiar sound of keys jiggling on the other side of their door. The younger woman gets up rather quickly, excitement coursing through her veins at the thought of seeing Faye dolled up in Prada on the other side. After all, it was her Prada shades that made her fall helplessly in love with the other woman, but that’s a story for another time.
The door swings open, revealing a very exhausted (and dressed up, with full-on smokey eye makeup) Faye holding a wrapped dress and a takeout all in one hand.
“Hi,” Yoko shyly approaches the woman and tips her toes to meet her lips.
Faye giggles in return, exhaustion automatically wiped away at only the touch of her girlfriend’s lips. “Hi. This is a pleasant surprise.”
Yoko helps her close their door and settle the dress on their couch so it doesn’t get wrinkled. She then takes the takeout and puts it on their dining table.
“How was your day?” Faye asks. She offers to hug the younger woman with both hands, which Yoko immediately falls into.
“Long,” the younger woman mumbles against her exposed collarbone. “I missed you all day.”
“Did you sleep?”
Yoko hums. “For a couple of hours. Marissa came over to accompany me afterward. How was the event?”
“I’m glad,” A smile graces Faye’s lips. She pulls back to look at the younger woman. “It was tiring but good. You’re right not to come. The place was crowded and loud, and you would have sprinted out of the venue as soon as you arrived.”
They both share a laugh, and Faye pulls the younger girl to sit on her lap in the dining area. “Have you eaten yet? I brought you something.”
“Not yet, but I have to tell you something first,” Yoko interrupts.
Alarmed, Faye scrunches her eyebrows in question. “What’s going on?”
“Don’t be scared. It’s nothing bad,” Yoko smirks to which Faye visibly relaxes. “I just want to say that I love you and that you’re God-sent. Or Universe-sent, or whatever of those two. I realized a lot of things while being away from you this afternoon.
“I got sad, you know?” she admits to her lover. “I got sad, and for a moment I was also angry because I couldn’t seem to shake him off. I want to move forward with you in my life, but I feel like something’s chained me to the bottom of the ocean and waiting for me to sink and drown. Never to resurface again,” Yoko lets out a shiver. “But you sent me those messages today amid all chaos, and something in me just snapped. I guess you could say that you saved me again. This time, from my own wallowing self and I’ll forever be grateful for your love, Faye. Remember that.”
“Healing isn’t linear, I know that now. Thank you for being patient with me. I don’t know when I’ll get there, but I will get there someday,” Yoko says with determination.
Blush colors her cheeks, but Faye keeps her cool. She knows that Yoko has always reserved her sweetest side for her, but hearing these words still makes her heart skip a beat. She can’t even find the right response, so instead, she resorts to pulling the girl forward in a searing kiss. When they break apart, she lovingly stares directly into those brown eyes that have gone through so much, yet still have love to give.
“I love you, and I’m so proud of you. I love everything about you, including your pain, hardships, resentment, and past. I’m here for you,” Faye declares proudly. “I’m still here, and I have no plans of going anywhere.”