Work Text:
hyperlaser is normally a very busy guy. hes a mercenary, u see, so he does killing stuff and what not. maybe he even guards stuff. or people. anyhow.
today, his schedule is still busy, but with a new job! blackrock has sent him to Kitty Cat Zone, a pet shelter specializing in rehabilitating cats.
some of these cats are like scared of people and stuff. so hyperlaser is one of the many volunteers who will be helping desensitize them to demons, and possibly help them get adopted.
hyperlaser has always been fond of cats but he doesn't currently have princess (this is before he adopted princess so) but he doesn't entirely know what to do with cats.
he got recommended here by his friend, subspace, who clearly cares about cats look at that face tell me subspace hates cats cause you'd be a liar, anyhow hyperlaser is at Kitty Cat Zone.
he sits down w a few other volunteers in the entrance/waiting room and a smartguy vet in a lab coat who would look very professional if it weren't for the pokadot socks poking out of his loafers walks in to talk to the four of them.
hyperlaser is kinda anxious. he's the only one who dressed nicely (wanted to have a nice first impression with the scared cats, maybe that'll help break the ice) and he feels awkward abt it. dr. smartguy singles him out about his fancy outfit (but can't tell he's anxious because hyperlaser is just cool like that) and cracks a joke.
"mister u look dressed really nice, wanted to have a good first impression with the cat?" asks dr. smartguy. hyperlaser internally panics, but hes cool so he doesn't show it.
"yes, doctor. first impressions are important." hyperlaser says and idk if this is out of character cause idk how to write hyperlaser but i'm winging it.
[okok im tired i'm skipping to the good part ok?]
dr. smartguy has a talk w hyperlaser n dr. smartguy can tell hyperlaser is a bit more reserved than some of the other volunteers, so he introduces hyperlaser to a little shy black cat named sir cheeseburger (even tho shes a girl idk maybe she was found in a burgerking bag).
"although, mr. laser, please watch out -- little cheeseburger is a sassy kitten with an attitude bigger than her!" first off, rude, he doesnt have a last name its just hyperlaser. second off only close friends (of which hyperlaser currently has few cause he's a workaholic) can nickname him. 3RD off, sir cheeseburger is so cute she can't be THAT mean.
so hyperlaser agrees to meet sir cheeseburger in one of the side rooms, probably used for when people bring in their sick pets and they're getting examined or something. a vet-tech brings in a very hissy and opinionated sir cheeseburger in a crate, along with a small assortment of cat treats she likes (sir cheeseburger is very picky, hyperlaser realizes.)
hyperlaser realizes he's probably bitten off more than he can chew, as the crate is set very gingerly (the vet tech looks battle scarred from putting sir cheeseburger in the crate in the first place) onto the table.
"okay, i'll leave you both here, open the crate whenever u feel like she's calmed down."
the vet tech is shaking as they say this. and then they frantically run away out the door (which hyperlaser has learned has no real locking mechanism and only an inside lock that if you twist the doorknob immediately unlocks. also it has a pink curtain over the window for privacy.)
hyperlaser stares at the crate as it gently rattles with sir cheeseburger's unbridled rage, until she has realized the vet tech is gone. he can hear her almost sigh in relief and calm down. she's an empath, so she was mirroring the vet tech's fear.
hyperlaser realizes this, not because he's an empath but because he's hypervigilant and pays attention to people and things. hyperlaser decides it's probably about time to let sir cheeseburger out of her crate, so he prepares- some cat treats in one hand and opens the crate with the other. sir cheeseburger slowly creeps out and stares at him cause he's just sorta sitting in a crappy uncomfortable plastic chair the shelter probably got donated to by a school that was renovating about a foot away from the table she resides on.
sir cheeseburger slowly creeps out of her crate and onto the table, staring with her big ol eyes and trying really hard to find out where hyperlaser's face is. but she can't find it. this confuses her. she jumps into his lap to investigate. when, suddenly--!!!
she is very gently offered her favorite cat treat ever on the planet inpherno, tuna bites. she happily devours the treats from the palm of mr. no-face (again, rude, only close friends can nickname hyperlaser).
so hyperlaser now has a very happy little kitten sitting in his lap repeatedly stabbing his legs with her tiny murder mittens (he recalls this being called "making biscuits" by subspace) and rumbling at him. is she going to explode? (hyperlaser is sad and lonely and hasn't heard another demon purr. this will change. f-slur)
sir cheeseburger is happy and content despite her empath ability allowing her to know the guy shes about to claim as a new friend is so very confused. she purrs more to try and relieve the confusion (no, she's fine, no exploding here) and gets gentle pats in return.
they end up playing with a few random cat toys (and hyperlaser learns abt cat scratchers) and cheeseburger is fed more tuna bites when dr. smartguy comes in to check on them.
he finds a clearly reserved demon sitting on the floor gently shaking a crinkle toy at a cat he normally knows as scared and hissy, who is clearly happily playing.
they talk for a little bit and hyperlaser inquires about adopting her (after the dr. smartguy tells him she's never been so friendly w somebody) and dr. smartguy jumps at the chance. immediately sends him to the front desk to do paperwork.
hyperlaser ends up leaving with a very content kitten in a carrier and a general list on what to get her. he ends up buying her a bed (that she never uses cause she prefers to sleep directly on his face - he almost thinks she wants him dead), a cute collar (that he barely manages to bribe her to wear with treats and pets), and some cat food she barely tolerates enough not to starve (he caves 3 days into her refusing to eat more than a few bites of every meal and buys different food for her).
he takes little girl home, fixes up her bed and secures the cute collar with a bell and nametag on it, and announces to his new friend:
"welcome home, princess."
she then like takes a shit on his favorite carpet or smth. like any good cat. lol
(he grieves for a week straight looking at where his perfectly good carpet used to be. it's in the trash now.)