Chapter Text
The Doctor, unbeknownst to anyone else, kept a crumpled up old fish shop piece of parchment in his jacket pocket with a list scribbled on it. It smelled like chips and beer batter that’d gone stale over the years, with many different stains and creases and rips warping the paper, but he kept it close to him despite all that. That list, which he had secretly started in a mad attempt to quiet his own ever moving brain, was of all the benign experiences that he’d heard on his travels to which he had jealously lingered on. It felt too important to ever get rid of even if it didn’t mean anything, and all it ever did was get longer.
He’d started it after the time war, after he’d settled back onto Earth and had his escapist fun. In fact he’d only started it after he met Rose, after she’d decided to be his companion, after they’d seen the end of the World, after they’d gotten chips. There’s no title, just scribbled out thoughts, like little bursts of lights in the night sky.
If anyone had ever found the list he’d have told them that it really didn’t mean anything, just a catalog of human-ness. Nothing but sentiment, which really wouldn’t have been far from the truth. The list had as much substance as the smoke off a pipe. Nothing but another habit he’d picked up on his travels. A meaningless ritual of his devotion to all his humans. That’s all it really was.
That was until he’d found himself sitting in an old creaky room of a small inn on the outskirts of a Norwegian fishing village.
The room breathed with the wind, as if the universe was trying to give it a sentience it didn’t have. The breath kept the room at what would be an uncomfortably cold temperature if there hadn’t been a small gas fire sitting in the corner to combat the chill. The little fire cracked and popped in the background in defiance of the rhythmic motion of the wind.
He had sat himself by the only window in the room. That being the only thing really saving the quaint space from feeling truly suffocating. He’d perched himself in the old chair they’d been supplied, broken springs and musty smells, but he didn’t mind. The carpet beneath him was a beat down baby blue, and it took everything in him not to think how much of the hotel room reminded him of the TARDIS.
He looked back behind him at the small desk the room had, an antique lamp lighting up a small chunk of TARDIS. A clone, much like himself, half formed and pretty useless in comparison to the real thing.
They’d entered the universe as it was healing. Phone lines down and stars slowly re-appearing. The only inn in walking distance had only one room available. Three people crammed into a room with one bed.
There was something in the out of control nature of the situation that made him feel pointless. He wasn’t able to do what he’d always done in these situations. He was the person that always had the answer—a way to protect—but here he was completely useless. The one thing Rose and Jackie could always count on and he was powerless to do anything.
He looked at them now, both asleep on the bed. Rose pulled every sheet and blanket around herself like she was trying to shield herself from the outside world. He couldn’t blame her, the universe kept collapsing around the young woman. Jackie on the other hand was sprawled out. Arms and legs falling over the edge of the bed and into Rose’s space. It was a humorous sight, and it also made him feel slightly bad for Pete.
He couldn’t sleep. Well, not anymore. They had gotten into the hotel room and all but collapsed onto the nearest surface, all exhausted from the night before, but now he was awake. So impossibly awake. It had been loud in his old body, that much was true, but it had become evident that being human made his mind much, much , louder. It’d been overwhelming not having the same biological bypass system that he’d become accustomed to, so he was having to find other ways to cope.
He’d laid his suit jacket on his lap, digging his hands in the spatially increased pockets, to take stock of what he had brought to this world. It was mostly just extra tools: wrenches, screws and nails, screwdrivers, pens, pencils. There was an extra pair of glasses and an old sonic screwdriver. And a bunch of loose notes that he’d stuffed away. He sorted through the mess of scribbles and lists, putting things that were important on the windowsill tucked underneath his sonic. That was when he landed on something tucked deep in his coat pocket. A waxy piece of paper scribbled in a messy list creeping up the side. Something he was surprised to see in this suit jacket.
He had no idea how the list had ended up out of his counterparts hands. It had been something he’d kept so close to himself, maybe out of embarrassment or sentiment, he wasn’t quite sure. He just kmew that it didn’t ever go very far from his person.
He flipped the paper in his fingers, looking at the words again and again. The words of his counterpart echoing in his head “the adventure I’ll never be able to have.”
- Buy Rose Chips
- Street corner 2 in the morning taking a taxi home
- Properly dance
- Peel an orange for someone
- Paint a wall
- Order in a pizza
- Get a regular job
- Have a house with a mortgage
- Get married
- Spring clean a flat
- Live life just day after day
- Spend Christmas with family
- Get sunburned
- Spend the rest of my life with someone
- Own a calendar
- Cook a homemade dinner
- Do laundry
- File taxes
- Go to the doctors
It was benign. They were dumb. It shouldn’t have meant anything to him, but it did. His list of impossibilities. However, he could now feel the weird asymmetric beating of his one heart. His very human heart.
He put the list back into his pocket along with all of the things he still wanted to keep within reach, and then preoccupied himself with what was going on outside his window. He’d been so lonely for so long and he would never admit that, his time lord self who had too much pride and self deprecation to admit his own emptiness. Better be hollow than burden others with your hurt.
That was until a pink-and-yellow girl came tumbling into his life with the mission of making sure he was never alone again. All those cracks and craters filled with the love of someone he’d just happened upon by chance. He hated to think how much worse those cracks would become for his counterpart as he sat there in a hotel room looking out on the other side of a closed rift with the only thing that had ever really made him feel whole.
He wasn’t one to believe in fate, but he was one to believe in Rose Tyler.
He wasn’t sure how she would do with the everything that had just happened. They hadn’t really talked about it, both bone tired and hurting. She’d spent so long trying to track down his counterpart only to be sent hurtling back to where she started and handed a human clone as a consolation prize as the time lord continued on his adventures. He wasn’t sure where they would stand in the morning, and he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn’t make someone love him if they didn’t, and he wasn’t going to try to change her mind.
He could see people move in the distance. Workers like ants moving around the docks, but he knew he was looking at giants. Such important people moving about the world so quietly. They did the work no one else wanted to. They got up at the crack of dawn when it was cold and rainy and they set out into unknown, but that wasn’t quite it either because this was normal to them, something that they were used to, and maybe they’d been doing this for multiple generations, maybe their dad did it and his dad before him for a hundred years, maybe his son will follow in his footsteps. It wasn’t the unknown, it was his domain, he knew the waters better than anyone else on Earth. Even though at this time in Earth’s history space had been studied more thoroughly than the depths of the oceans, he knew these waters that he’d been born to traverse. But this wasn’t some grand thing, it was quiet, gentle. He talked and laughed with his lads as they rigged the ship up, moving traps and equipment from the wooden store houses onto the boat. He had a dog following him about as he moved across the walkway, who he petted the head of when he stopped for a second and fed small scraps of the bait they couldn’t use for the day. There was a persistent warmth in the cold.
After they were done packing the ships they’d be off as the sun rose. As if the world didn’t just come back from the brink. Life kept moving even if the world spun off its axis. He understood the comfort in it, the constant moving. The thing he admired though, was not them moving about at dawn and going out into the unknown. The thing he admired most was that they got to go home at the end of the day.
He stood putting his suit jacket on again, suddenly unable to sit still anymore. He wanted to go down to the wharf and talk to the fisherman. He wanted to ask them about what they catch and discuss their riggings. He wanted to ask them about how long they’d been working these waters and what they’re families were like.
He turned thinking that he’d just pop out for a second and be back before either Rose or Jackie realized he’d even left in the first place. Instead when he turned he was met with a pair of eyes staring him down, freezing him to his spot.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Jackie Tyler asked.
“Just thought I’d get some fresh air. Go for a little midnight stroll to clear the old noggin,” He tried with a smile that probably ended up looking more like a grimace, moving his arms around way too much to be natural.
“That does sound like a lovely idea,” Jackie answered to his complete bewilderment. “I’m starving though, how about we stop by the kitchen and grab something to eat first.”
She said the words sweetly, but they gave no room for argument or dismissal. She might as well have threatened him, but just the same he was willing to oblige. He was quite certain she was coming just to keep him close, not because she actually wanted to take a walk in the cold wharf infused night air, and he couldn’t say he didn’t understand the impulse to tether him like an escape prone dog. His counterpart hadn’t had a good track record when it came to sticking around, in turn that meant he didn’t have one either. He wasn’t keen to elope, but there was no way for her to know that, so he let her figuratively tie him to a leash and keep him at a heel.
The rest of the inn was very much similar to their small room. The floors creaked underneath them no matter how careful they were with their footsteps. The hallways were narrow and musty with carpet that could have once been any color but was now a dull grey-ish brown, and peeling floral wallpaper that he was slightly concerned might be barely covering potentially lead laced paint. It was as most brochure marketing would put it, “charming.”
They found the kitchen empty to neither of their surprise. It was quaint and old, which was much to be expected. There wasn’t a dishwasher and all the appliances looked to be the originals from the fifties. Walls mint green and cabinets prismed glass. He smiled at it as he ran his hands over the white quartz countertops.
“Getting inspiration?” Jackie asked with a smirk, snapping him out of his interior design induced stupor.
He smiled back at her awkwardly as if he’d just been caught doing something far more embarrassing than enjoying the scenery they’d found themselves surrounded by. He thought it came with the territory of being human, or well specifically Donna Noble, the shame. Jackie meant it in a cheeky way, his head perpetually in the clouds, but he couldn’t help the feeling of wanting to shrink down that spread from his heart out into his limbs. He wasn’t really used to insecurity, and he didn’t want to get used to it.
He did his best to reassert himself. Yelling at his own foolishness the way he would yell at Donna’s own underminings. He replaced his forced smile with a real one as he really looked at Jackie and the playful crinkles around her eyes.
“Well, I have to start somewhere. This will be my first time that I have a proper house,” he responded.
That seemed to strike something with Jackie that he didn’t mean it to. She pulled her eyebrows together and turned away to gather supplies to make herself an early morning snack. He, in turn, busied himself with putting on a pot to start tea. He didn’t know why the room suddenly felt tighter and the air thicker around them, but he thought that if he just ignored it long enough it would go away.
“So you’re like a real proper human?” Jackie asked, breathing through the tensioned air.
“Sorta.” Is his immediate answer because he is , but it was much more complicated than that. He didn’t quite know exactly what he was. He had never happened before and if he thought about it too much it made him slightly queasy. He usually loved the unknown. He loved learning and figuring out how things worked, pulling things apart and staring at the meat of the universe. In any other circumstance this would thrill him. If he could look at himself under a microscope with a couple degrees separation, but as it stood he couldn’t. As it stood he was part Donna Noble and the idea of his own existence terrified himself.
“Sorta?” Jackie raised an eyebrow.
“Where it counts,” He said quickly. “Got one heart. One life.”
That was the short of it. Time lord brain and human body. One heart. One life.
“Well, you better be careful with this one life of yours. With you going off and getting yourself into trouble all the time,” Jackie said waving the knife she was holding around for emphasis. “You and Rose both, looking to get yourselves killed. Two absolutely looney peas in a pod. No self preservation skills.”
“I think I’m ready for a change,” and that was the first time he’d voiced it out loud. Something that he’d secretly wanted for a long time now, longer than he would ever admit. He was so afraid to stop moving and plant roots down, build something permanent, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t lingered on the idea. A scrap of parchment burning in his pocket.
“You do truly hear something new everyday,” was Jackie’s response.
That did make him smile. The stress started to melt away from the air, as Jackie pulled the scones from the ancient toaster. They looked edible enough, but certainly not cooked evenly. All it took was a slathering of marmalade to make it look as though nothing was burnt.
They fell into an easy silence as they finished getting everything together. It wasn’t like they’d made much, but there was something in the normalcy of cooking that kept them transfixed there. After having the world ripped up and turned around them, this was something so easy to control. It was easy to fall into scraping eggs together as they cooked, watching Jackie as she cut an apple into slices.
He set the two finished plates onto the little round table set in the corner of the kitchen. It was draped in lace and wobbly, but it would do just fine. Jackie was putting everything into the sink when she turned to him with the same knife she’d been cutting the apple with, and oh, she was definitely about to threaten him with that knife.
“If you hurt Rose again, don’t think I won’t hesitate to rid you of your family jewels. You hear me?” She said, dropping the knife to point as his crotch for emphasis.
Despite the fact that she was both holding a knife and threatening him, he really wasn’t any more scared than he was of her normally. You know the healthy level of scared of a person who’d slapped you and it really hurt. He was honestly surprised it took her this long to threaten him at knife point, or well relatively, they were standing about four feet away from each other. He’d done some dumb things in his time lord life, and hurting Rose was mighty high on that list.
“I think that’s fair,” He said with a smile, which he can tell surprised Jackie. “Now let’s eat before the food gets cold.”
“You,” She paused for effect before tossing the knife into the sink with the rest of utensils, “are a strange, strange, man.”
“Alien, one might say,” He said with a smirk.
“Not anymore,” was Jackie’s reply as she sat down at the table.
“Not anymore,” He echoed before doing the same.
By the time they were done eating the sun had already risen, and the Doctor knew that the fishermen had already gone out. Too late to ask them any questions, and hopefully by the time they came back he’d be gone. It was a shame, but it was how the cards landed and he couldn’t be too upset about it. Jackie supplied him with her own stories from the time they’d spent apart. He asked about Tony, the rambunctious three year old who was really into trains at the moment. She talked briefly of the merger between Torchwood and UNIT, and Rose’s and Pete’s workaholic nature. But mostly she just talked about the gossip between the friends she’d made during her time. All the new money rich people and their tumultuous interpersonal lives. It was lovely.
“How the hell are you two this cheery this early in the morning?” Came from the doorway into the kitchen, interrupting Jackie’s story about this woman named Alexandria and her increasingly messy divorce.
Rose stood looking at them like she still didn’t want to be awake despite the fact that she’d gotten up and walked all the way down to the kitchen. It was adorable if not slightly concerning. She still looked exhausted.
“What are you doing down here?” And it left his mouth before he could much think of its interpretations, but Rose thankfully didn’t look phased by the question.
“Room was empty,” Is all she gave in reply, and it was more than enough.
She wanted to make sure they didn’t leave. The same reason why Jackie had followed him. The exact same thought process that got him to the kitchen eating breakfast in the first place. The fear that if left to his own devices he would simply get up and leave.
“Quite sorry about that, I didn't think we’d be out this long or I would have told you what we were up to,” he said.
“It’s my fault. I just keep jabbering away, talking his ear off with gossip,” Jackie said with a smile, “you can join us if you like.”
Rose seemed to debate it for a second.
“You know what I’m actually still pretty tired,” The Doctor said before Rose could lie and tell them that she’d love to listen to stories she’d probably already heard and pick at her breakfast instead of taking the sleep she still needed, “This has been lovely and I will absolutely be doing this with you again, but I’m going to have to cut this short.”
He grabbed his plate to wash it in the sink quickly, or more rinse it off just so he didn’t look like an ass. He was more preoccupied with the girl who hadn't left the doorway. Jackie hadn’t moved from her spot still sipping on her tea, unbothered by his sudden departure.
When he passed by Rose he tugged on her sleeve slightly, saying in essence that he wanted her to follow. He wasn’t sure if he actually expected her to follow or just ignore him in favor of sitting and having tea with her mother. He was, however, slightly surprised when she was immediately next to him.
They didn’t speak on their way up to the room. It wasn’t awkward or painful, it was a tired kind of silence. Both parties were too exhausted to fill the silence with unnecessary noise. In lieu of the comfort of speech the Doctor found himself pulling her hand into his. That was way more an ease to his mind than chatter.
When they got into the room he headed towards the chair he’d fallen asleep on earlier without thinking. That was until he felt a tug on his arm, keeping him from crossing.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Rose asked.
“Sleeping?” He said back genuinely confused at why he was being stopped.
She didn’t say anything in immediate reply instead she tugged on his arm to follow her to the bed.
“You need some actual normal sleep. The first thing you do to that body can not be that you give it back problems.”
He didn’t know why he didn’t just say yes, or well he did but he would rather not think too hard about it. He was scared and he wasn’t ready to admit that. That he was still afraid to get too close to Rose. It was dumb he knew and the human part of him wasn’t helping with the persistent feeling. It was like he was standing on a frozen lake and with each step he didn’t know if it would still hold him up, but there was so much beauty in the world underneath.
He opened his mouth to dismiss, not to argue. He just wanted to brush it off. Ruin his back if he wanted to.
“Please. We can talk about this later, but I just need you to hold me right now.” It was much more honest than he expected from her, not that he didn’t expect honesty, just it’d been a long couple of days.
He couldn’t say no. He let himself get pulled into the old rickety bed, which in his opinion wasn’t much better than the chair but that was neither here nor there. He took over the spot that Jackie had been in, the pillow slightly tinted with a familiar perfume. The sheets were scratchy and he was mildly concerned about bed bugs, and then his arms were being pulled around Rose’s waist and his brain went silent.
He hadn’t realized how tired he truly was until his brain stopped moving, just for a second. Then it was all things Rose pressed against his senses in the void of his barely consciousness. She was warm in his arms, the softness of her shirt reassuring under his palms as he followed her breathing pattern in his head. She was safe and he was there, and he didn’t quite know what to do with this information.
There were a lot of things about this whole situation that he was going to have to get used to. He wasn’t used to the slow and the tired. He was also not used to the settled realness of the girl in his arms. Something that he couldn’t quite wrap his brain around getting back, even if just for a moment. He wasn’t sure how everything would unfold as they both figured out their new lives away from The Time lord. Something he’d have to get used to, not being him . Just a human. He wasn’t a Time Lord anymore, he was human. Just as human as Rose. Just as human as the fisherman he’d been so enamored with working late on the docks. His one heartbeat beating just the same as theirs, right with the rest of the planet. He wasn’t alone anymore, no longer the last of his species, always running. It was time that he got to go home too. Be a part of something he’d fought so hard to protect, something that he loved so deeply, and that started with taking a much needed nap.
—
The phone lines were back up by noon, which meant that they were finally able to get ahold of Pete and get arrangements to head back to London. The Doctor didn’t know what going back to London meant for him. He’d probably end up working for Torchwood, which he didn’t know how to feel about. It had been a long time since he’d last worked for UNIT, and he’d been very happy to leave those days behind him. Maybe Pete would help him get an apartment until he could afford it himself, and that would be that. He would be lying if he said that that wasn’t terrifying. He felt like he was walking into a cardboard box that would seal him in a life that was too tight.
“You’ll stay with us until you figure out what you want to do,” Jackie said, snapping him out of his doom spiral.
“Huh?” He looked over, having not really processed what she’d said.
They were sat outside on the porch of the Inn waiting for the ride. There were a couple rocking chairs that Jackie had gladly taken advantage of, which both him and Rose ignored in favor of sitting on the old wooden steps.
“Pete was talking about getting you documentation, and Torchwood will help you with getting settled here whatever that means to you.” It was gentle in a way that made some of the tension melt off.
He just had to figure out what he wanted to do, no biggie, just figure out the right trajectory to send him on the right path for the rest of his very human life.
“But you have a place with us as long as you need it,” Jackie reiterated.
“Thank you,” And he meant that in more ways than words could really describe. He meant it for all the times he’d never said it. For all the ways she’d put up with him.
“It’s no problem, sweetie,” She said with a smile, but then she gave him a look that made it clear that she would cast him out if he ever dared to pull something over Rose or any of the Tylers again.
It was a hefty ride back to London, most of which was spent sleeping. The radio played whispering in the background songs that he’d never heard before, which was the nature of a parallel universe. He bopped his head along mindlessly the weight of his eyelids sometimes taking over and then he’d come back to consciousness to another generic pop song. There wasn’t much chatter between the inhabitants of the car, the silence stretching with the landscape.
They made it back by nightfall, and by then there was a buzzing energy. Something crammed deep inside trying to pull its way out. Jackie and Pete were immediately pulled away by Tony who was happy to show them something that he’d been working on that day. That left him and Rose standing in the entryway, looking at each other the same way they had on the beach. What now?
“I’ll show you around,” Rose said adamantly, like she was trying to push rusted gears into moving again.
“That sounds wonderful,” He said softly, helping her add oil to the movement, getting them unstuck.
She grabbed his hand gently and led him through the mansion. It was different from the one that he and Rose had originally stumbled upon. It was big with empty corners the way mansions were usually, but there was something in the subtlety of the place that made it feel less cold. The furniture was miss-matched and decor thrown about. There were toys scattered around, little lands built under tables and long railroad lines. It definitely screamed Tyler, even if a bit toned down in comparison to the Estates flat. He missed it.
They ended the tour at the room he was going to stay at. It was a guest room like all the other guest rooms they’d seen, nothing special except when Rose kept the door open and pointed at the white painted frame across the hall.
“And that’s where I’ll be staying,” She said.
“Don’t you have your own flat?” He asked, not that he was complaining about her company.
“I do,” She said with a slight smirk, “sick of me already?”
“Never,” He said a little too quickly and a little too honestly.
The smile she gave him, all warm and bright with her tongue sticking through, melted the embarrassment that had momentarily built up.
“Well, good ‘cause the reason I’m staying is to make sure that you get settled.”
“Thanks Mum,” He said, poking to see if he could get another smile out of her.
He was successful. A smile and an eye roll as she playfully shoved him into his room.
“I can leave,” She said more seriously.
“Please don’t.”
They just looked at each other after that, a moment as the pillars crashed together, as he realized how scared he was to lose her again and he thought she was thinking the same thing. He wasn’t sure about Rose, but he wasn’t quite ready to be without her again, like a kid who wasn’t ready to take his training wheels off of his own bike even if he could ride his brother’s just fine. He’d done life without her, so much life lived without the person standing beside him, but he thought he’d be sorely mistaken in thinking he could ever do that again.
“Okay,” She breathed out.
They got swept away after that, into dinner and conversations and bedtime stories. It was fun, in a homey way that the Doctor had been avoiding for a while now. He’d been craving exactly this, locked away behind the wall of time and space, but now he was there. Tangible bits of life he’d forced himself to push out of his mind. Things he told himself he could never have, and yet there they were right there in front of him. He didn’t believe it. He couldn’t.
He meant to stay in his room the whole night, but the night was too loud and the room was too empty. He felt so small, all the life that he’d just been a part of fading like a candle having burnt low. It’d been a long time since he’d been proper scared of the dark, a little boy looking at the universe and deciding to run, but he can feel it in his chest again. He was so scared and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why the sheets were moving around him wrong and the heater was making a noise that was driving him half mad and the shirt he was wearing was a size too big and the shadows in the room was too long even though when he counted them they come up good each time and he was so lonely even though he knew that the house was full of people and he just wanted to go home but home was a blue box traveling through a universe he was no longer a part of with a version of him that wasn’t him.
He left his bed like a fire had been lit under his arse. He couldn’t stay there any longer or he was going to start ripping out his own hair. He felt like crying but he wouldn’t allow himself to cry over nothing, over his stupid human senses and Donna’s temperamental emotions he had apparently inherited.
He stood by Rose’s door only illuminated by the window light leaking from his own open room. He didn’t want to wake her, make himself a burden already, and oh if he ever saw Donna again he was going to have to hug her and tell her how sincerely he thought her fears were stupid. He knocked just to prove her and himself wrong, that he was incapable of being a burden to someone like Rose who loved him when he thought he was unlovable. He thought he still needed her to because he didn’t quite think he was worth much as a knock off version of his other self.
Rose opened the door almost immediately like she’d been expecting the knock, maybe even hoping, but he wasn’t going to get too excited by that prospect because he didn’t know. He didn’t know so much and that used to be such a joy for him, always learning and gathering pieces of information to store in his ever evolving brain. He was learning that the not knowing wasn’t as exciting as a human who’s basic protective systems were severely out of whack. The moment Rose opened the door he started crying.
It was embarrassing to say the least, but it felt so good. Basic regulating systems so rudimentary to human function and yet he felt like a dumb little kid, all hiccups and snot and inability to get in enough air. He felt more kindred with the three year old sleeping in his Thomas The Tank Engine bed than he did with any of the adults in the house. He was a mess, to say the least.
Rose hugged him and he had never been more grateful for something in his life. He clung to her night shirt like it was the last thing he would ever do. He was pretty sure he was ruining it with his tears and snot and stretching it as he balled it with his fists. He’d make sure to pay her back for it after he’d managed to get himself together, but all he could really focus on was the gentle hand moving up and down his back and the shushing sounds Rose was making.
He eventually managed to get enough of himself together to pull away from her, wiping the remnant tears from his eyes. God, he really must’ve looked like a scared little kid.
“Better?” She asked, with a gentle smile.
“Better,” He nodded.
She stepped further back from him and he couldn’t say he wasn’t a little disappointed by the growing cold between them, but then she was opening the door further and beckoning him in. He didn’t wait for her to say anything he was in there faster than he could really make a decision to do so.
“Do you want to talk?” Rose asked behind him.
He was a little too focused on the floral decor that screamed Jackie Tyler more than the rest of the house, warm lights and a daybed instead of a queen like the room he’d just been in. It was smaller and much more reminiscent of the estate’s apartment.
“Doctor?”
“Is it a normal human thing to feel like you’re dying all the time?” Is what he blurted out without really intending to, and he was not liking how much this was happening.
He turned to look at her and she looked rightfully concerned.
“Like I’m not dying,” He cleared up quickly because he didn’t want to worry her too much, “But it’s like my brain doesn’t quite know that it’s not dying, and I know that doesn’t make sense or maybe it does. Maybe this is completely normal and I just had no idea and everyone is used to it but me.” He was rambling and he did that quite a bit but it never felt like the words were pouring out and he couldn’t breath and oh fuck he might actually be dying.
He looked up at Rose and he didn’t know what look he gave her but her whole expression changed. She didn’t look so out of her depth anymore, not as visibly scared as he still very much was. His one heart was going into overdrive, beating so hard that he was certain it was about to explode.
“Name three colors in this room,” Rose said, and he couldn’t begin to imagine where that came from.
“I don’t even know if there’s three colors in this room,” He tried to joke back but she looked completely serious and he wasn't about to argue with her.
He looked around and of course the first thing that catches his eye are all the flowers strewn about, on the comforter and hung up on the walls, “Well red and or pink but I’d like to say those are the same thing because there isn’t a different word for light blue or light yellow used as equally,” His eyes dragged immediately to the white painted walls and trim, “and does white count? It’s technically a tone not a color but I don’t think that matters,” As he was talking his eyes scanned from the white walls down to the hardwood floors and skitter from that to the bed frame and the desk all different types of wood and for a brief second he wondered if the molding would look similar to any of them if it wasn’t painted over the same white as the walls, “and I’ll just clump that together with all the brown wood tones, and then that leaves.” His eyes trailed across the space and settled on Rose’s leather jacket that was laid over a chair, “purple.”
He didn’t feel so much like he was dying anymore. Only a little bit like he’d had a near death experience.
“How?” He let his words trail off.
“Normal is relative,” Rose said slowly, “Yes, it’s a normal human thing to feel like you’re dying when you’re not.”
“That’s awful. I don’t- God, I suck at being a human.”
He was definitely being a pouty toddler.
He could see Rose try not to smile at his words, but her eyes still crinkled and it made him smile despite himself. He was being a bit ridiculous.
“You don’t suck at it, you’re just new.”
“Well, I can be both can’t I? I’m new and I suck at it.”
Rose shook her head, finally moving to sit on her bed. He hadn't realized how much tension had been in the room until it was gone and he could finally feel himself relax. His body finally un-tensing enough that he could move to sit next to her.
“What am I supposed to do, Rose?”
They were both looking straight ahead trying to find something out the window in front of them, the Doctor wasn’t even seeing anything, his vision narrowing down to a random spot in the distance.
“I don’t know,” Rose said, and she sounded just as equally lost. “I also haven’t built much of a life here.”
He looked at her but she kept staring ahead.
“I thought that it’s been three years for you?” He asked, confused.
“It has,” She agreed, “And I spent those three years working to get back to you.”
She looked at him then. Two people who’d gotten so used to running but were now stuck in place. There was nowhere else to go, and he thought it terrified her as much as it terrified him.
“At least you have a job,” He said jokingly trying to lighten the air between them, “And a real human name.”
“That is true,” She said with a slight smile, “You can’t get away with John Smith anymore.”
“What’s wrong with John Smith?” He said with false offense even though he didn’t quite know what was wrong with the name. It’d seem to work just fine up to that point.
“It doesn’t sound like a real person’s name, you might as well be telling everyone you’re John Doe, and I think that’d be more believable.”
He huffed a bit dramatically, but he didn’t mind the idea of finding a bit more, better suited, name.
He leaned back against the wall, the side of the bed digging weirdly into his shoulder blades. It wasn’t a sustainable position, and he thought Rose might have been right about him giving himself back problems. When he looked back at Rose she also didn’t look the most comfortable, and he thought that he already felt like a little kid, he might as well go all the way.
He stood up abruptly, a smile on his face like a madman. He held out his hand for Rose to grab and when she did he pulled her to her feet moving her away from the bed. He grabbed the comforter first, moving it off the bed onto the hardwood floors between the bed and the desk, sitting it in the middle of the room. He followed with the pillows, making a suitable nest on the ground. Then with the chairs that he made sure to allow for proper structure when he finally grabbed the top sheet off the bed and draped it over the furniture.
It had been a long time since he’d made a pillow fort and he thought that was a shame.
He laid down first, cushioned by pillows and comforter. The light from the room came through the top sheet diffused and ethereal. It felt much better in there, separated from the rest of the world.
It didn’t take long before Rose was laying down next to him, and they were both looking up at a bedsheet like it was some sky on one of the many plants they’d visited, like it was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen.
“What do you think of the name Wilfred?” He could come up with a thousand excuses as to why that name was the first one to pop up in his head but he didn’t need them.
“That’s an old man’s name.” Was Rose’s reaction.
“It’s a family name.” Was his.
“I could call you Will.”
“I think I like that.”
Rose turned to look at him, a gentle smile on her lips. “Now for your new last name.”
He was tempted to just say Smith, but he was trying to be more creative with it than that. He liked the last name Smith though, it makes him think of Sarah Jane. Wilfred for Donna and Smith for Sarah Jane, he didn’t feel like it was enough. He wanted to be able to hold close the people he would never be able to see again.
“What are you thinking?” Rose asked. He hadn’t realized how far back in his brain he’d gone, until he was pulled back to the surface.
“I like the last name Smith,” he said because he wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Wilfred Smith?”
“Now see that sounds silly.”
“I don’t think it sounds silly,” Rose said, trying to be reassuring.
“Well I do,” He said, dragging his hands over his face.
“Any other last names?”
“Jones,” He threw out because it was the first name that came to mind.
“Wilfred Smith-Jones?”
“Wilfred Jones-Smith,” He corrected because that feels more right.
“Wilfred Jones-Smith,” Rose echoed with a slight smirk on her face and he knew it was because it was an old man’s name but he technically was an old man so it didn’t matter, he liked it. “Now for your middle name.”
He groaned in response. “Why do people have to have so many names?”
Rose chuckled at his dramatics. “You can use John for that one. Don’t have to think too hard.”
“Wilfred John Jones-Smith,” He said but it felt weird on his tongue, and suddenly Rose was laughing uncontrollably.
“So that’s not it,” She said in between wheezes. “You look like that name just personally offended you.”
“It did,” He said as seriously as he could before they both burst out laughing like little kids whispering secrets in the back of the classroom.
“So not John,” She said.
“Not John,” He agreed, shaking his head.
“Then what?” She asked a little out of breath.
“Jamie,” He said again without much thought, and maybe too much sentiment. It was a name that he’d love to wear like a badge.
“Wilfred Jamie Jones-Smith,” Rose said all together.
They looked at each other for a moment and he could tell that Rose was taking it all in. Everything was different now, forever changed in a way that neither of them could reverse.
“Will,” She whispered like she was saying something she wasn’t supposed to, and he supposed she was. She wasn’t supposed to know his name and even if it wasn’t the one that he’d been given at birth it still meant something. A name is to be known.
“Rose,” He whispered back in the same manner.
“I’m scared.”
There was no agreeing, saying “same”, because she already knew that. They both knew that neither of them were prepared to be stuck in this world. Unlike Mickey and Jackie who both had decided to stay for people and causes (and Mickey who got to leave when he no longer had a reason to stay). They really didn’t have a reason to be there except that they just were. Dumped on a beach and told to take care of one another.
“Absolutely terrified,” He handed her back, as an “ I’ll do this with you. ” They were stuck in the same flimsy boat and he wanted the one thing in this Universe that they could count on to be each other. They could figure out this life, scared together.
He could see that Rose got it, the tension easing slightly around her. They were both so lost.
“I’m sorry,” Rose said, and he had no idea what for.
“For what?”
“For you being stuck here, you didn’t deserve that.”
“There’s no place I’d rather be.”
And Rose laughed at that mirthlessly.
“I mean it,” He said more harshly trying to get the words to stick. “Stuck with you isn’t so bad. I’ll get a real job and a mortgage, settle down.”
There was something in her eyes that changed at the reference to their time trapped next to a black hole.
“Do you think we can do that, love each other normally?”
The line between the two thoughts was wobbly, but he got it. He got it so thoroughly. In that moment an entire life ago talking about how they would have to exist outside of their adventures as normal people stuck on Earth. He had been terrified at the idea of standing still watching as life caught up to him, getting Rose trapped in his mess. But that was before. He didn’t know if he would have agreed if she’d asked then.
“Yes,” He said now without hesitation.
Rose looked at him with a smile that he wished he could bottle like a jar of light. It was them, under a fabric sky cushioned by quilted flowers as if they were on an alien planet thousands of light years and hundreds of years away, on some grand adventure. The grandest he thought, the most daunting one he’d faced thus far.
“I love you,” He said because it was the bravest thing he could think of doing.
“I love you too,” She said, and he thought that might be the bravest thing she’d ever done too.
They fell asleep in the fort. Their wake-up call being the sunlight streaming in at the perfect angle to get them both directly in the eyes, and thumping little feet running down the hallway. It was early and his body hurt in places he didn’t know could, but he thought it was perfect. He couldn’t get up, not that he exactly wanted to, the weight of Rose threaded on top of him pinning him to his spot. He raked his fingers through her hair and he could tell that she was pretending to still be asleep so he didn't stop, but he could see a little smile appearing at the corner of her mouth.
“Good morning,” He said, and he was struck with how domestic this situation felt. He didn’t hate it but it sat in his stomach weirdly. He’d done this many times, waking up to her next to him, but he thought he’d gotten a bit rusty.
“Morning,” was grumbled into his chest.
Then there was a very stern knock on the door, and they both flew away from each other like teenagers caught doing something they weren’t supposed to. He felt like he snuck in through the window the night before.
“Yes?” Rose called out much more awake.
“Is the Doctor in there?” Pete asked from the other side of the door.
“Yes?” He answered not sure if he was quite supposed to.
“Can I talk to you for a bit?” Pete asked in a way that made it clear to the Doctor that he was not in fact in trouble for being in his daughter’s room because they were in fact both grown adults, and Pete just actually wanted to have a conversation about something probably completely unrelated.
The Doctor managed to get himself out of the fort without embarrassing himself too hard, and went to join Pete outside of the room.
Pete was already in slacks and a button down, which made him feel very much underdressed in his lent pajamas.
“I wanted to get your documentation together,” Pete said, getting straight to the point but not uncaring. “I know you probably don’t want to bum around here for much longer, and the faster Torchwood can get your documents made the faster you can have your own life.”
They walked down one of the many stairwells of the house and turned the corner into Pete’s office. It was unspectacular, which is to say it looked as it was supposed to. Desk and bookshelves and a couple chairs, all a little bit colorful and a little bit old. There were a couple nic-naks of all sorts of different things thrown about the room in a haphazard sort of way. The only thing that was really prominent was the desktop that Pete had, which looked to be a couple years more advanced than it should be for the time period, which the Doctor was hoping was because of parallel universe incongruencies and not because Torchwood was playing with time.
“The most important things we need are a name to register you under and a birthdate, the rest we can just make up, that’s unimportant. We can make up the whole lot if you want but I had to ask if you wanted anything specific.”
It was all business, but he could hear the care in Pete’s voice.
At that moment the Doctor was so happy for his conversation the night before because if they hadn’t talked about it he probably would have just said John Smith and moved on with his life instead he said, “Wilfred Jamie Jones-Smith.”
Pete looked at him a little confused.
“The name,” He clarified, “that’s the name I want.”
“Birthday?” Pete asked.
“No idea,” the Doctor responded.
“I got you,” Pete said before typing a couple things onto his computer. “September 9th 1981, sound good?”
“I guess. Does it have any meaning?”
Pete shook his head, “Randomly generated.”
“Fair enough,” the Doctor laughed out. It was strange that something that was typically so important could be boiled down to a dice roll, and maybe that was what made it all the more authentic. A birth date was just a dice roll done by the universe—a collection of statistical probabilities that spat out a date on which something more important than could be quantified happened. Even if it was given by a computer he would take his randomized date of importance and he would make it mean something just like everyone else.
He didn’t want to sound like he was immediately trying to get out of this conversation but he also didn’t want to keep standing there awkwardly. “Is that all?”
Pete shook his head. “Just one more thing, do you want to work for Torchwood?”
That there was a complicated question. It seemed like the most logical route to go, keep with the world and the work he’d been a part of in the past. He could go back to his UNIT days, but he didn’t want that. He was starting to like the idea of just being a normal bloke. A normal guy with normal expectations and a semi-normal life.
“I’m going to have to decline,” The Doctor said and he didn’t know why he was so nervous like he was afraid to disappoint Pete.
“That’s perfectly fine,” Pete said, seeming to sense his unease. “Had to ask. What is it that you want to do, Doctor?”
He thought he’d done it so much he didn't have to think about it. “Teach,” he said.
Pete smiled. “I know some people at UCL and I can see if they need anyone to fill classes.”
He felt relieved. Maybe he could actually get his shit together.
—
There was a temporary lecturer position open in the English department for the Spring term, which was in a week. The desk in his borrowed room was covered in books and papers and sticky notes by the next day.
He was deep into outlining a lecture on sonnet structure, when there was a loose knock on his already open door. He looked up to see Rose standing there smiling at him.
“You’re going to have to eat eventually,” She said.
“That sounds like a lie,” was his response.
She walked over to him, and leaned over the desk to look at what he was working on.
“You’re taking this very seriously,” She said, lifting up one of his pages of notes.
“This is very important stuff, Rose.”
“And so is eating.”
In truth he wasn’t hungry in his same time lord-y self, but the problem was he wasn’t a time lord he was human. He was a human who needed to eat consistently, but he just wanted to work.
“Food is not more important than the structure of Elizabethan poetry,” He said with a little bit of a smirk.
Rose rolled her eyes and tugged on his sleeve. “There’s a place I want to take you to.”
He smiled back at her, and relented. He couldn’t really say no to her. “You should have just told me it wasn’t your mother’s cooking,” He joked.
She shoved him lightly. “Be ready in five.”
“Yes, ma’m.”
She slammed the door behind her, and he couldn't help but laugh.
He’d been living out of Pete’s old clothing since he didn’t have anything of his own. It worked, even if things fit a little strangely. He dressed for the part he wanted to play.
He put on his original suit this time, the one he came here with. Pete’s oxford and tie, and his own slacks and suit jacket. He looked surprisingly like his old self as he looked into the mirror.
“You ready?” Rose’s voice came from the hallway.
“Yeah,” He said, smoothing and straightening his outfit out.
He headed out the door, and Rose was leaning against the wall. He was definitely overdressed but he was used to it, he was a little less used to feeling weird about it though. Rose was in a band t-shirt and jeans with a sweatshirt thrown over like he’d gotten used to her being.
He straightened his tie nervously.
“Come on,” Rose said, grabbing his hand, and his nerves melted away.
She took him to a little shop in south London, and he knew she only discovered it because she was visiting the estates again. He hated to think about that time they spent apart. He hated to think she was as lonely as he was.
It was a little mom and pop bakery sandwich shop. It was cute with its rustic vibe. He understood why Rose liked this place.
“Oh, hello Rose,” said the lady from behind the counter.
“Hello Margaret.”
“The usual?” The lady asked with a smile.
“That would be perfect.”
They moved closer to the counter and the Doctor could see as Margaret inspected him. She was an older woman probably in her early sixties with wild silver hair and a pirate-esc blouse rolled up to her sleeves.
“And who’s your friend?” She asked in a scrutinizing way.
“This is Will,” Rose said and it felt so bizarre to the Doctor, the first time that his chosen human name was used casually.
“Well, hello Will,” Margaret said leaning forward on her elbows, “What will you have?”
He hadn’t even glanced at the menu, but he felt like he should already have it memorized. He glanced at it quickly and just picked the first thing that caught his eyes.
“Pear parfait,” He spit out, and why did he say that he hated pears but it was too late to take it back now. “And the croissant breakfast sandwich,” he amended because he did actually want to eat something.
They sat down at a table after they got their food. They both ate their sandwiches. Rose and her mysterious “usual,” which the Doctor was determined to figure out eventually, and him and his breakfast sandwich. All that remained was the damned parfait sitting on the table.
“Are you going to eat that?” Rose asked.
He shook his head. “I hate pears.”
“Then why did you get it?” Rose said with a little bit of a teasing tone.
“I panicked, okay.”
Rose chuckled before sliding the dessert towards herself. “Do you mind?”
“No, go ahead. Just don’t expect me to kiss you after,” He said absentmindedly, not quite thinking until he saw Rose staring at him. “What? Do I have something on my face?”
She shook her head and grabbed the spoon. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s obviously not nothing,” He said gently, and then to be funny, “I’m not letting you have me walk around with bacon in my teeth.”
Rose smiled a little and took a napkin to his face a bit overzealously, and looked at him like she was proud of her work. “You’ve never said anything like that,” She said contrary to what she’d just been doing.
He was confused. “Like what?”
“Like you want me, domestically.”
“Do you not want me too?” He asked more unsure.
“No, no,” Rose said quickly. “I do. It’s just-“ She took in a deep breath and he could see her try to organize all her thoughts. “-can we do this like normal people?”
The Doctor had never been so confused by a string of sentences in his life. He was trying so hard to follow what was happening but the conversation had slipped far past his understanding.
“Huh?” Was all that he could manage.
“Slow,” Rose settled on, “I want to take things slow. Do this how we would have if we’d never been us in the other universe.”
“Like a do over?”
Rose nodded her head, the tension seeming to lessen at his understanding. “Exactly, a do over.”
“I can do a do over. Do this like normal people.”
Rose smiled. “We really need to stop saying ‘do.’”
Which is what he proceeded not to do . Repeating the word in a sing-songy way until he got bored of it.
“You done?” Rose asked after he’d finished.
“Yeah,” he said surprisingly slightly out of breath.
“Overdid it, maybe?” She said with a smile that she was trying to hide.
“A little,” He agreed, his smile unbridled.
Rose shook her head but the smile on her face was just as bright as his.
—
He thought he was ready but he wasn’t as he scrambled to get to his second lecture on time. He didn’t understand why they would book two back to back lectures at two different halls all the way across campus from each other.
He could blame that for why he wasn’t paying enough attention. He ran right into someone and it was mortifying. Thankfully the person also looked equally mortified and disheveled.
“I’m so sorry,” The woman said, grabbing the supplies that had spilled on the floor.
“Don’t be this was very much my fault,” He reassured, helping grab a book from the ground.
He handed it to her and she gave him a silent thank you. “No, I was rushing and wasn’t paying attention,” She said.
“Me too, they gave me a class on the other side of campus.”
The woman groaned. “That is my exact predicament. They do this every year.”
She finally got all her stuff together and stuck out her hand underneath. “I’m Clara, Clara Oswald.”
He shook her hand, albeit carefully as to not spill her stuff again. “Wilfred, Wilfred Jones-Smith,” He said, having to try really hard not to say “the Doctor.”
Clara looked a little surprised. “I haven’t heard that name from someone under the age of sixty.”
“Family name,” He said with a smile.
“Gotcha, well, see you around Wilfred.”
“See you around Clara.” He waved after her.
—
He got his first paycheck and with that came a couple of things. He’d been talking to Pete about getting his own apartment in the city, but he wanted to be able to pay his own rent. Pete wanted to help as much as he could so they came to an agreement that once the Doctor was certain he could afford his own apartment Pete would pay the down payment and the Doctor would deal with the rest. Pete also promised that he could help scrape together furniture that his mates no longer wanted so that the Doctor didn’t have to worry about it. It was the least he could do, he’d told him, especially after giving him a family again.
He’d technically had the apartment for a couple days before he actually stepped foot in it. He just wanted to wait until he actually cashed the check to believe that it was his place, so right after he went to the bank he used his key for the first time. The apartment was still empty, it would be for a couple more nights, but that didn’t much matter. This was his, paid with his own money, his own work.
The second thing he did with his paycheck was buy himself a jacket. It wasn’t just any jacket, it was one that he’d been looking at for a minute sitting in a department store window draped over a mannequin that he was half certain in another world had come to life.
He stepped into the familiar store, slightly different from age and parallel universe bullshit, but there was an overwhelming emotion to the space. It wasn’t exactly the place he’d met Rose, but he wasn’t exactly the person that met her either.
He asked the first person he could find that worked there where the jacket was, and was then pointed to a little rack in one of the corners of the store. He thumbed through the sizes until he found his, and put it on turning towards a mirror that was tacked onto the wall. It was perfect in that it was a little big in the shoulders and a little short in the torso, the arms ended right and the collar sat nicely. It’d been a while since he’d worn a leather jacket, but he thought that it felt like the right time to adorn one again. It didn’t in any way resemble the one that he’d worn to this store when he’d met Rose. This one was natural leather not stained black, it wasn’t double breasted, and there were significantly more prominent pockets, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was a significant chunk of his paycheck but it was worth it.
When he got back to his apartment he immediately went to switch things out from his old jacket to his new one when a familiar list tumbles onto the floor. He picked it up and unfolded the parchment, scanning the list again before taking a pen from the table and scratching off one of the bullet points.
Get a regular job
One of his impossible things, no longer impossible. It made him smile.
There was another thing on the list that stood out to him, something he could easily do. He grabbed his phone and called up Rose.
“Hello?” She asked on the other end of the line.
“Do you have any plans tonight?” He asked hoping that she’ll say no.
“No, why?”
He breathed out a sigh in relief. “Do you want to come over? See the new apartment.”
She chuckled lightly. “Isn’t it still unfurnished?”
“Still.”
“Sure, I’ll come over,” She relented easily. “What are you planning?”
“What do you mean?” He feigned innocence.
“I can practically feel you scheming through the phone.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Doctor-“
“Just trust me,” He said instead of an explanation.
“Okay.”
It was nothing special, just chips. Chips and a borrowed dvd player from Pete and a borrowed dvd from the library. Nothing special, just a blanket placed in the middle of an empty living room.
He didn’t know why he was so nervous waiting for Rose. He’d confirmed the address and the apartment number, now all he had to do was wait. He couldn’t sit still pacing from the kitchen to the living room and back again over and over until there’s a knock on the door, and he quickly wiped his hands on his pants because his human hands were weirdly sweaty. It was Rose he had nothing to worry about, but the Donna side of him really wanted to impress her which wasn’t new he’d just never been so scared that he wouldn’t be able to live up to that.
He opened the door, and Rose smiled at him holding up a bottle of wine. She had very clearly just come from work, all corporate looking in an unnatural way. He opened the door wider so that she could step in and he grabbed the bottle from her. She immediately toed off her heels as she walked through the open space.
“What is this?” Rose asked, looking at his little set up on the floor.
“This is dessert wine,” He said instead, studying the label of the bottle in his hands.
“Did you buy chips?” Rose smiled at him.
“This is cherry wine,” He walked over, setting it right next to the chips Rose had been talking about. Styrofoam to-go boxes and expensive wines.
“Gift from one of my coworkers. She said I looked like I needed it.” There was a mirth in her eyes when she said it.
He couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I don’t have glasses, though.”
“We’ll just drink from the bottle,” Rose said with a smirk.
“That’s a dangerous game you’re playing, Tyler.”
“When have you ever played it safe, Doctor?”
He grabbed the bottle screwing off the top and taking a long sip as Rose laughed beautifully at his idiocy. When he was done she took the bottle and took an equal length sip, and he totally didn’t focus on the way her mouth wrapped around the lip.
“So what do you have planned?” She asked once she was done.
He opened the to-go containers, the smell of fried potatoes filling the room, and he opened up the dvd player.
“Chips and the end of the World,” He said, “The normal people way.”
And she shook her head, smiling at him.
“You-“
“I wanted our first date to be the same,” He said.
They finished the chips and the documentary and the bottle of wine. They also ended up laying on the floor of his apartment away from the cushioned blanket, and he couldn’t quite explain how they ended up there but that didn’t much matter. The old hardwood floors were cold against his coatless back. There was a pen that was poking him in the ribs trapped in his pocket, but he didn’t mind as it faded away with the vision of the person in front of him. He knew they were both drunk on dessert wine and that probably had something to do with why they’d managed to find themselves in the most uncomfortable spot possible. He couldn’t really think that far past that because Rose was laughing and that was what his world narrowed down to. Her head thrown back, scrunched up eyes, and heaving chest. He was smiling like an idiot back at her even though he didn’t know what was so funny, but whatever it is it must have been the best thing in the world because she looked beyond happy as she looked at him. He wasn’t sure she would ever look at him like that again, like he’d hung the stars himself. He flushed under the attention but didn’t do much more than revel in it.
“I really like this,” Rose whispered to him like it was some profound secret, like she was letting him on something more important than anything they’d ever shared before.
“So do I,” He said back dumbly, but his brain was so fuzzy and warm there wasn't much coherence left.
She was turning to look back up and he suddenly realized why they’d found themselves in this spot. When he followed her gaze he saw one of the reasons he chose this apartment, an old skylight opened up to the night sky. The great beyond that they could no longer be a part of. They couldn’t even really see the stars, washed out by the city lights.
“I know you miss it,” She said, making his attention shift back to her. “You don’t have to lie to me.”
“Yeah, I do miss it,” He wouldn’t argue with her there, “but not as nearly as much as I missed you. I would give up that life a thousand times just to spend an extra minute here with you.”
He meant that with every fiber of his being. A life with her was worth a thousand traveling in the TARDIS. He’d begun to really like the adventure he was on, this little thing he was beginning to create.
“Yeah?” Rose asked, unsure.
“Rose Tyler,” He said slowly, “you are my greatest experience.”
He didn’t know if that quite made sense but his fussy brain was telling him that it was the most accurate way to express how he felt. He couldn’t have her thinking that he’d have rather fucked off to some other planet or other time to do as he had been doing. Things had changed, he had changed, and the idea no longer had the appeal as it once had. He thought he liked this human thing.
She smiled back at him, her smile bright and genuine. “You’re mine too.”
They fell asleep on the floor, and the Doctor really thought the universe might have some secret mission to give him back problems. He was sore and stiff and his head was killing him, and he realized he’d never drank as a human before the night before and the first thing he decided to do was get plastered. He sat up and thankfully the world didn't start to spin, but he didn't immediately see Rose anywhere.
He wandered back into the hallway all three of the doors open so it wasn’t like she just went to use the loo. He looked into the first room, which was empty and would be his office when he actually had furniture. He peeked into the bathroom but she was also not there. So either she was in the master bedroom or she’d dipped and he was really hoping it wasn’t the former.
He opened the door to see her looking at the leather jacket he’d bought. He had set it down back there along with a couple of other things he’d bought. It didn’t seem like a big deal but she was staring at the clothing item with an intensity that he hadn’t expected. She ran the collar through her fingers looking at the tag sewn into it.
“You like it?” He asked and she turned abruptly.
“Yeah,” She said, sounding a little distracted.
“Picked it up yesterday,” He said, grabbing it from her and shrugging it on, “had my eye on it for a while.”
She ran her hands over the jacket pressing against his torso. It was like she was trying to memorize or remember something, the gears turning behind her eyes. There was so much he thought she wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure she was going to say anything. There was so much spoken between them and yet there was this big chunk missing, and he was so aware of it at that moment. He could see the silence like a chasm, like a black void of space where all light went to die. Sometimes he thought they might be strangers after all that had happened.
“You really are like him,” She said, almost absentmindedly.
“Like who?” He couldn’t help but ask.
“My Doctor,” She answered.
He understood what she meant by that, the man that had been in the shop when he’d changed her life forever. It’d been a long time since he’d been that person, but maybe he hadn’t changed as much as he thought he did. Maybe he didn’t mind that.
“Yeah,” he said, “I am.”
Maybe they hadn’t changed as much as he fears they had, drifting apart by the force of time and space. He’d worried about that when he’d regenerated the first time, that he would be so different that he’d become unrecognizable. He worried about that as he settled into his human body, part time lord and part Donna. He worried he wasn’t recognizable as the man he’d once been. He couldn’t stand the idea of Rose looking at him and seeing a stranger. He couldn’t stand the idea of them being strangers to each other.
It was why he was so relieved when she told him that he reminded her of the old version of himself. It was why his smile was so bright. Oh to be the man that Rose called her own.
Her smile matched his. “My Doctor,” She said this time referring to him as he stood there.
“ My Rose ,” was the best way he could think to answer her.
The next thing he knew she was tugging on his jacket until she pulled him down, and soft familiar lips met his own. It was quick and chaste, but his heart was beating out of his chest and he had no idea what to do with his hands. It was over as quickly as it began.
“I have to go to work, but I had a fun night,” She said quickly before slipping out of the room leaving him dumbfounded as he stood unable to move from his spot as his brain rebooted.
He shook his head trying to regain cognitive function. “Have a good day!” He called after her once he recovered his wits.
“You too!” She called back, and then he could hear the front door closing and maybe her laughing, but he couldn’t be too sure about the second one.
He knew he was smiling like an idiot standing in the middle of his empty room acting like a complete fool, but he really can’t help it. He was the luckiest man in all of time and space.
Buy Rose Chips- Street corner 2 in the morning taking a taxi home
- Properly dance
- Peel an orange for someone
- Paint a wall
- Order in a pizza
Get a regular job- Have a house with a mortgage
- Get married
- Spring clean a flat
- Live life just day after day
- Spend Christmas with family
- Get sunburned
- Spend the rest of my life with someone
- Own a calendar
- Cook a homemade dinner
- Do laundry
- File taxes
- Go to the doctors