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As a general rule, Near doesn’t sleep.
They try. They really and truly do try. Or they did before deciding it was a lost cause. Of course, they get whatever amount of sleep their body deems necessary, but it’s not very much. At this point, it’s almost comparable to the amount L used to sleep, but Near has long since stopped thinking about L Lawliet. In fact, they’ve found it best to avoid thinking about anyone from that institution at all costs. The life Near, or rather L - they’ve been L for years now - leads is not one that has room for a lot of attachments, and anyone from Wammy’s House is too close to an attachment for Near to worry about it.
That’s what they like to think, anyway.
The truth is, in the five years since the end of Light Yagami’s murdering spree Near hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Mello. Matt as well, but at least with him Near saw what happened and saw the body. Matt got a proper funeral - or, at least, as proper of a funeral as someone from Wammy’s House ever got. Mello was different - neither the police nor the numerous private field detectives Near hired were able to find his body.
At first, Near had convinced themself that Mello had faked his death. They tried everything they could think of to coax him out of hiding, making more than a few childish, bold, and rash decisions during more interesting investigations in an attempt to gain Mello’s attention. But then years passed and Near hadn’t caught onto even a hint that Mello was around. Eventually, after three and a half years, they had to stop trying.
It’s been a year and a half since then. They still miss him.
Near sighs, carefully setting down the die they had been holding on top of one of the various structures around them. They grab a strand of hair, twirling it absentmindedly between their fingers as they close their eyes, resting their chin on their knee.
A lot changed for Near in the five years post-Kira. They officially reclaimed the title of L, which involved far too many meetings with world leaders to explain what exactly happened for their liking. They’d begun to rework the successorship program for L, determined to make life at least a little easier for whatever poor kid got stuck being their successor. If Near had it their way, there wouldn’t be another L, but Wammy’s was an institution and despite how much say Near had around the place, even they couldn’t put a stop to it. Not when Roger was so goddamn determined to find Near a successor while they were at the ripe age of twenty-four.
To be fair to him, however, L only got twenty-five.
They glance up at the clock, blinking at the bright red numbers. One thirty-two am. December 13, 2015. Mello would have been turning twenty-three today.
It’s not fair he got less time than them. Not when they’re the one who spent a good majority of their teenage years all but begging for death. Not when Mello was so vibrant and had so much life in him.
Near should not still care this much.
What they should still care about is the FBI case they’ve been working on the past few days, which focused on several reports of missing persons that they were about eighty percent certain was related to cult activity. Or any of the numerous smaller ones for Coil or D(whatever), but after waking up to Near violently screaming from night terrors for two years and their breakdown on Mello’s birthday in 2012, Near had been encouraged to take a personal day on December 13th.
Which, in other words, meant that Roger was fed up with Near’s bullshit. And, honestly, they couldn’t even be upset with him over that. Their breakdown had been coming for years, they just never expected it to be over Mello.
For a genius, they were never very smart when it came to Mihael Keehl.
They startle at a knock on their door, having sent everyone but Linder home earlier in the evening. She was always the best at dealing with Near when they got like this, likely because she knew Mello. At least, better than the others, who only knew him from the time he visited Near at the SPK’s headquarters.
“Yes?” Near mutters, just barely loud enough for Linder to hear through the door. They’re facing away from the door and they don’t bother to turn around when she opens it.
“L? There’s someone here to see you.”
Near falters for just a moment. Usually, visitors or business calls weren’t too uncommon at this hour given how much international work they did, but Roger was very adamant about the fact that L was unavailable unless it was an emergency deemed dire enough by him for their assistance.
“At this hour? Please send them away.”
“I really think you should see them. You might be very interested in what they have to say.”
“Linder, I said no. If it’s that important they can come back tomorrow.”
Near hears a loud and exasperated sigh and their heart aches, reminding just a bit too much like Mello’s for their comfort.
“Goddamnit, Nate, will you just turn around?”
They obviously know better, but just for a second, Near thinks their heart stops. Slowly, and without getting up, they turn their head, taking in the two figures in the doorway. On the right is Linder, arms crossed with a smirk on her face. Beside her stands Mello, alive and well.
His hair is longer than the last time Near saw him, though not nearly as long as their own is. He’s still dressed in all black, though much more casually than he did in ‘09, simply wearing a black hoodie that has to be at least two sizes too big for him and… leggings? Near can’t tell from this far away, but they wouldn’t be surprised. Paired with a well-worn pair of boots, he looks… softer than Near remembers him looking, even back in their days together at Wammy’s.
“Mello.” They breathe, unable to help the way their mouth curls into a soft smile.
“I’ll leave you two alone. Call for me if you need anything, L.” Linder says, a smirk clear in her voice.
“Alright.” Near agrees, not willing to take their eyes off Mello as Linder walks away.
As her footsteps fade down the hallway, Near sets their dice down, though the fingers twisting their hair speed up ever so slightly. Mello takes a few steps forward, kicking the door shut with his foot without breaking eye contact with Near.
The silence in the room is almost deafening.
“You’re nervous.” Mello finally states, crossing his arms.
“You’re alive.” Near counters, ignoring Mello’s statement as they revert back to their usual (and safe) monotone in an effort to avoid thinking about how angry it made them that Mello still could read them like a book, even after all this time, “How?”
“Faked my death,” Mello shrugs, “Surprised you didn’t figure that out.”
“I had my suspicions.”
“‘Course you did.”
A silence falls between them again, and this time Mello pulls the chair out from Near’s desk, making himself at home. It’s almost too much for Near, how at-home Mello looks within their space. They close their eyes, letting out a sigh before looking back up at Mello.
“What are you playing at? It’s over. I’m L. I don’t see the point of you being here.”
“I want to talk.”
“Then talk, I’m too old for your games.” Near glares at him, old wounds open far too raw now that Mello is in the room with them. As much as they missed him, they never thought they’d see him again. Never thought they’d have to deal with the amount of hurt he’s caused them over the years.
“You’re younger than me.”
“And you’ve been far too old for your own games for years.”
Mello stays silent for a moment, shifting his gaze just past Near to the window behind them. Near takes the moment of silence provided by Mello to study his face now that he’d moved closer. He’s aged, only just a bit, but he’s definitely older. His scar is mostly hidden underneath his hair and clothes, but what Near can see has healed well. It’s still pink and impossible to miss, but less intimidating than it had been the last time Mello had paid them a visit. His eyes are the same brilliant blue they’ve always been. After a moment, Mello looks back at Near.
When Mello begins speaking, he sounds almost like he’s reminiciting, picking up the finger puppet of himself that still sat on Near’s desk, “Even though Takada misspelled my name in that damn book, Mihael Keehl had to die. So, I faked my death and ended up fleeing to Russia since there wasn’t much I could do about the Mafia being after my ass for dipping on them like I did. Then I got word that Rod passed about a year ago so I came back to the states. I wanted to come by then, but I had to make sure none of his morons were trailing me. A few were, at first, but I’ve fucking finally gotten that taken care of.
“So, here I am. After Matt died and during my time in hiding I decided to… reevaluate some things. One of those things, being you.”
Near snickers, finally turning their body to face Mello properly so they can look at him without straining their back, “Me?”
“Yes, Near, you. I was thinking about you.” Mello rolls his eyes, running a hand through his hair. Near catches a glimpse of more of his scar, pink down the side of his neck and down to his shoulder. Not that Near can see his shoulder, but they know what it looks like. He’s tense and probably as nervous as Near if he’s running his hands through his hair. They all had their tells after all, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
Near’s voice is softer when they speak again, “What about me?”
Mello sets the puppet of himself back down where it was, moving once again so he’s sitting in front of Near - in front of the dice structures Near has built around themself. He sits with one leg extended behind him, the other pulled to his chest - very nearly mirroring the way Near was sitting. Near tugs the strand of hair they’re twiliring, desperate not to get too caught up in whatever this meeting with Mello was.
He looks up at Near, sharp blue eyes boring into Near’s own dull and grey ones before he says the words they never expected Mello to say to them;
“I love you.”
For a moment, Near almost laughs at the absurdity of Mello telling them that he loves them. But Mello’s face is deadly serious and Near supposes that if murdering notebooks exist this surely wouldn’t be the weirdest thing they’ve ever had to deal with. Instead, Near decides to give Mello a truth of their own in return. And if it was a joke? It wouldn’t be the first time Mello broke Near.
“And I love you,” Near states it as casually as they can, taking a shaky breath. Quickly, they look back down at the dice in front of them. Never have they bared their heart for someone like this before, and they really hadn’t planned on starting now, but this could be the last time they ever saw Mello. He deserved to know. “I’ve loved you since we were kids, Mihael.”
Mello is silent for far too long for Near’s liking, and they have to fight every bone in their body that’s telling them to run away. When they look up, Mello is still there, still staring at them as if they’d told him an unbelievable truth. And maybe to him, it was. It wasn’t very easy for Near to believe he loved them, either. Not after everything the two of them had been through. Not after the years of visceral hatred Mello had for them.
“Come here.” Mello says very softly, as if he’s afraid Near will run away. If Near were smart, they would.
But, again, they’ve never been very smart when it comes to Mello. So, they stand up, carefully mauvering themself around their various dice structures until they’re standing in front of Mello, who had taken the time to stand while they were working themself out of their maze of toys. They’d forgotten just how much taller than them he was.
Wordlessly and every so carefully Mello reaches out, running his fingers through the length of Near’s hair. Instinctively, they tense up, but relax when they feel how gentle Mello is being with them. It’s different, Mello’s never been quite this gentle with them before, not even when they were actually friends. But, it’s nice. It’s so nice.
“You grew out your hair.” Mello mutters, pulling his hand back and letting Near’s hair fall back against their torso.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Near reaches out, taking Mello’s from where it hoovered rather awkwardly between them. They press their palm to Mello’s own, unable to resist a little smirk at just how much smaller theirs was from his, before intertwining their fingers.
“I like it.” Mello says, voice still just as soft as he gives Near’s hand a squeeze.
It’s strange, seeing Mello so mellow. They suppose age and time will mellow anyone out, but they never thought they’d see the day Mello became so soft - especially not around them. It makes them wonder what exactly happened since Mello’s not-death that changed.
So, they ask.
“What changed? Five years ago you hated my very existence and now you’re here telling me you love me. I don’t understand. I’m not good with emotions and you know that,” They bring their free hand up, taking a small comfort in the familiar twist of their hair, “So, please, if this is a joke - just leave now.”
“For fuck’s sake, Near, this isn’t a joke,” Mello pauses at the harshness of his words, but Near can tell there’s no real malice behind them. Patiently, they wait for him to continue, “I never hated you. Spent the better part of a decade trying to convince myself that I did, and I never could. But you had everything I wanted. You had everything and you didn’t even seem to care. It made me so angry I didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Then I left, swearing to never talk to a single soul from that institution again. Next thing I know Matt, the little shit, managed to find me a couple of years later and followed me like a goddamn dog.”
Mello smiles softly, but it’s different this time - eyes glazed and far away. A few seconds pass in silence before he continues.
“I loved him, Near. I loved him so fucking much, and then I got him killed. I couldn’t put aside this petty fucking feud with you and it got Matt killed,” Mello took a deep breath, closing his eyes for several seconds before he continued, “Couldn’t even grieve ‘cause I had to avoid being skinned alive by Rod. And, like I said, while I was in Russia, I spent a lot of time thinking. At first, it was just Matt - how things could’ve been different if I’d just stayed at Wammy’s, if I didn’t ask him to go on such a dangerous mission knowing exactly how dangerous it was. ‘Course he agreed to do it knowing damn good and well what he was getting himself into, but the bastard was always so eager to do whatever I asked I don’t think he even thought twice about it. Eventually, that led to me thinking about Wammy’s and, by association, you.
“Sometimes it’s hard to believe we were ever friends. That there was a time before I made it my goal to prove that I’m better than you. It wasn’t until I got to thinking about that picture you had of me that I realized it. You’d gone out of your way to make sure it would’ve been damn near impossible for Kira to kill me. I didn’t pay attention to it at the time, too worried about trying to beat you to focus on much else, but it dawned on me that you’ve always cared. You’ve never stopped caring. And really, despite my best efforts, neither have I.”
Near stares into Mello’s eyes, so open and vulnerable it almost scares them. Mello has always been passionate, and that was no less true in this moment, but rarely had they been this vulnerable. Not since they were kids, before everything went to shit.
“Mello, answer me honestly, please.” Near waits for Mello to give them a short and curt nod before continuing, “Do you have any idea what you mean to me?”
Though the pair of them never break eye contact, it takes a few moments before Mello responds. Near can almost watch Mello calculate his next move. After a few moments of this, Mello simply shakes his head.
Good enough, Near supposes.
“Mello, you were the first person to treat me like a human being. Roger took care of me, yes, and the other children were never particularly cold, but they kept their distance. I was being groomed for success and everyone knew it but then you showed up with the most god-awful attitude I’ve ever seen and a weird accent I’d never heard before and all but forced me to be your friend. If I remember correctly, when I asked why you bothered with me, you said something along the lines of ‘you’re pretty weird but at least you’re not annoying and stupid like the rest of these freaks.’”
Mello cracks a smile at the memory, running his thumb along the soft skin of Near’s hand.
“You taught me what love was, and, sure, it may have been the idealized and romanticized version of love a child has, but it was more than I had ever had before. While you were loud and annoying and had a habit of teasing me for no apparent reason, I could see that you cared. I wasn’t particularly surprised when Matt came around and you stopped spending time around me but then one day you just… hated me? I didn’t understand, but I tried to keep my distance despite the fact that you were so determined to provoke me
“When you left, I tried not to think about you, but that was easier said than done. Because of that, Matt and I got relatively close in the time between you leaving and him leaving to go out and find you. It was hard not to love him, wasn’t it? I wasn’t surprised when you showed up at the SPK headquarters that day. Your emotions may not make much sense to me, but your actions are very predictable. Either way, I’d taken care of everyone who knew your face years prior. I didn’t think it’d be the last time I saw you. Until tonight, that is.
“Mello, your death almost killed me. I started having awful night terrors and I’d wake up screaming so loud that my throat would hurt. I stopped Kira himself but I couldn’t save the two people I ever cared about. I lost it in 2012.”
Near pauses, shuddering at the memory of Madison Hue. Victim to one of the most brutal serial killers Near’s ever had the pleasure of dealing with. They can still remember it, her completely unrecognizable corpse with her beautiful rosary, a gift from her grandparents that year, dangling around her neck.
“There was this girl who had been absolutely brutalized but the murderer had kept her rosary around her neck. When I finally got a picture of her, on your birthday that year, she looked so much like you. I finally broke down and - and it was bad, to say the least.”
Near can see Mello tense. One day they’ll tell him what happened. How they’d nearly killed themself that night, stopped only by the fact that Linder had walked into his room to give him an urgent update on the case. It wasn’t intentional, just a few too many oxys and a bit too much alcohol in their system for their body to handle. In this moment, however, that seemed like too much to admit. Baring their heart to Mello didn’t mean they had to tell him everything. They’re sure there’s quite a few truths Mello omitted from his confession.
“My point is, you matter more to me than any other person ever has or ever will. However, as comforted as I am by the fact that you’re alive, I will not tolerate you tormenting me anymore. You cannot decide to love me tonight and then hate me tomorrow. I cannot survive being broken by you again, Mihael.”
Mello doesn’t respond with words. Instead, he brings his hand up to cup Near’s cheek, and they lean into the touch, maintaining eye contact with Mello as they do so. And though, logically, it was entirely predictable, nothing could have prepared Near for the way Mello slowly leans down towards them, eyes falling shut and before Near properly realizes what’s happening, Mello is kissing them.
Mello is kissing them.
His lips are soft against Near’s perpetually chapped ones, and it takes Near a moment to catch on to the fact that they should be kissing him back. It’s awkward and clumsy - Near’s never really kissed anyone before but Mello’s lips are so soft and warm that Near never wants to stop kissing Mello. He eagerly takes the lead and after a bit more clumsiness on Near’s end it starts to feel good. Better than they could have imagined, actually. Mello tastes like smoke and chocolate and it’s so deeply Mello that it warms Near’s chest.
Kissing Mello might be Near’s new favorite activity, especially after Mello swipes his tongue along Near lips and everything is so much hotter and wetter and more. They can feel their breathing getting heavier as Mello pulls his hand away, only to wrap it around Near’s waist and pull them closer as they take the opportunity to wrap their arms around his neck. The height difference is a little awkward, but Near doesn’t care and they’re quite confident that Mello doesn’t either.
After several long minutes of this, they pull away from one another, faces flushes and breathing heavy. Mello rests his forehead against Near’s, keeping them close, “I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to fuck off.”
Near nods, hesitating only for a moment before pressing another soft kiss to Mello’s lips, “Never.”
They stay like that for a few minutes, trading soft kisses and simply enjoying the feeling of having one another close. Eventually, Near has to pull away to yawn, stretching out against Mello before relaxing back into his touch.
“Bed?” Mello asks and Near glances up at the clock, now reading two fifty-six, before nodding.
“Should I show you where the guest rooms are?”
“How are you so smart yet this fucking dense?” Mello smiles, pressing another kiss to Near’s lips, “I want to sleep with you.”
“Just sleep?” Near raises an eyebrow. They were in no mood to have sex tonight.
“Just sleep.” Mello nods, reaching up and tucking a stray bit of hair behind Near’s ear.
“Alright.”
Near takes a step back from Mello before grabbing his hand, leading him to their bed, careful to avoid the various dice structures still in the middle of the room. Usually, they kept their toys in their office, but things always got hard this time of year, so they made an exception. An exception that was now extraordinarily inconvenient.
Near takes off their pants before climbing into bed and Mello takes off his hoodie, shoes, and socks before joining them, clad only in the pants Near could now confidently say were leggings. Near turns off the light and wordlessly, Mello opens his arms for Near to crawl right into them, resting their head on his chest. He plays with their hair, and Near can’t figure out if he’s doing it intentionally or not, but Near finds that they quite like it.
“Do you really like my hair that much?” Near asks, fingers lightly tracing imaginary patterns on Mello’s chest.
“I do. You’ve always had nice hair.”
Near is grateful that the lights are out, that Mello can’t see the way that makes them blush, “I haven’t cut it since the last time you saw me.”
“Do you want to?”
Near considers it for a moment. They’d let it grow out because they had better things to worry about rather than their hair, but it isn’t bad. Actually, they sorta like it, “Not really.”
“Good.” A kiss to the top of their forehead, “Don’t.”
Near hadn’t expected Mello to be a person who is able to freely give out affection like this, but maybe it’s just proof of how far they’ve come since they were kids. It realex them and they can feel their eyes begin to fall shut. Lazily, Near presses a kiss of their own to Mello’s chest, curling a leg over one of his, 9“Happy birthday, Mihael.”