Chapter Text
The rest of the evening had been quiet. It proceeded normally. The night, too, was quiet.
Even as he drifted off to sleep, Ivan found it difficult to separate himself from a vague sense of something that pulsed in his chest.
Fear? It might've been, though it was hard to say of what. Worry? Yeah. But not for himself.
Even in his sleep, that feeling shook his heart, but he felt Yuri's arms around him too, holding him tightly. For some reason, the way he held him a little more tightly than usual only strengthened that feeling. But he couldn't escape those arms. That must've been what kept the worry from consuming him. Even as he was locked in a dream that made him tremble, despite everything he'd learned, he was glad that Yuri wouldn't let him go.
The way he held him... That strong, somewhat desperate-feeling hold... He was just as afraid of losing him. He was just as grateful for what he was holding. So he couldn't let him go. Even if Yuri wanted to, even if he'd been ready to hang his head and surrender, Ivan wouldn't have allowed it.
He wanted to ensure that he kept holding on.
Sleeping on it didn't really help. In the morning, when the sun peeked through the blinds and crept across his face, he only felt tired. It might've been his renewed resolve as a hero that made him feel as though he couldn't rest until he was sure that he'd solved the case of Lunatic. He told Yuri that he didn't need to explain himself immediately, that he could take his time, but the questions were uncontrollably filling up Ivan's head.
He was still just a kid, he thought, getting emotional over things he couldn't help. It wasn't his fault that he hadn't known. Yuri had kept a lot of things from him. But it hurt him to know that the person he'd spent such a long time with had been suffering without him knowing. Though he couldn't begin to guess what had caused Yuri to become Lunatic, the infinite, painful possibilities were what kept him awake, wondering with a light mist in his eyes.
There was a pressure over his heart that made it difficult for him to breathe. He wondered if that was what Yuri felt, always.
As his eyes adjusted to the morning light and the dim pounding in his head faded, he rolled over in the arms that held him. As he thought, Yuri was already awake, though he was doing a fair job of pretending like he wasn't. He was almost always awake first.
In those hours or minutes before he also awoke, Ivan wondered what sort of things he thought about. Had the silence always been as intimidating to him as it felt to Ivan at that moment?
Realizing that Ivan wasn't going to stop staring at him, Yuri opened his eyes.
“...You don't look like you slept well,” said the one who always had dark circles under his eyes.
Ivan couldn't see himself, but he imagined that they must've matched. “I had a lot to think about,” he said, laughing softly. Yuri must not have shared his amusing thought; his face looked too serious. “It felt like night slipped into day without me noticing, but I know that today is going to be different. Things are going to change. But it won't be bad. Please... No matter how hard it is, don't worry, okay?”
Telling him that was asking a lot. His identity as Lunatic was a secret he'd been keeping for longer than they had even known each other, so it wasn't going to be that easy for him to believe him when he said that things wouldn't change. Ivan trusted that Yuri trusted him, but he could see him struggling despite that. It was like some sort of invisible chains were tying him down, and he had the feeling that the only way to release him from them was to expose them.
“Let's have breakfast or something,” Ivan said, rolling himself out of his arms so he could finally sit up.
“Ivan.”
Nervously, he looked over his shoulder at him.
Yuri sat up as well, resting his arms over his knees. “Before anything else, I think I should explain everything. I know that's what you want, and I think it will be for the best if I lay it out and make my history clear. If you're certain about letting me assist in making arrests, then you should know the person you're working with. It may be important.”
The way he worded that made it sound as though he still thought himself irredeemable. Ivan wasn't aware of the full extent of things, but he knew that he'd already killed people as Lunatic. If he was already willing to put that behind them for the sake of keeping Lunatic as an ally, he wondered what else Yuri had to say that he thought might affect that decision.
Yuri was willing to tell him on his own...
After stressing all night about what else he might hear, the only reassurance Ivan felt was in knowing that he may have a few days to breathe before finding out. It wasn't like he was the one keeping secrets, but the thought of hearing them made him feel just as nervous. Through their relationship, a part of him had become intrinsically linked to Yuri.
“Yeah. You're right,” Ivan admitted.
It could be dangerous for him to allow Yuri to follow them without knowing what else he was hiding. If the dark part of his past that caused him to assume the mask of Lunatic returned to him at the wrong time, before a criminal... Ivan wanted to believe that Yuri would hold to the promise he'd made, but without knowing about that part of him, there was no telling whether he would be able to hold himself back.
Tiredly, Yuri worked his way to the other edge of the bed and hung his legs over the side. “Why don't you go wait in the kitchen? You can start breakfast if you wish. Just give me a few minutes to wash my face and I'll be with you.”
Ivan wanted to reach out to him again, to hold him, place a hand on his shoulder... anything... But his body hesitated, sensing Yuri's resolve. Now he understood that the silence he'd been faced with the day before was Yuri's strength. The reason he hid things from him was different from the reason he had for hiding it from the city.
Not bothering to change, feeling like he should be as comfortable as possible for whatever he had in store, Ivan kept on his pajamas. Stopping in the bedroom doorway, he looked over his shoulder, feeling his heart constrict at the hollow expression on Yuri's face. He remembered the first time he'd ever been in that room; waking up, seeing Yuri's peacefully sleeping face, and realizing that he might've found something special. He wanted to restore that peaceful look to his face.
“Take your time,” Ivan said, leaning on the door frame for a second. “No rush. Don't forget that you're talking to the most easy-going person on the planet.”
Yuri did smile a little at that, at least.
Yeah. There was nothing for him to worry about because, whatever he said, Ivan wasn't going to lose it. After what he'd discovered yesterday, it felt like he'd already weathered the worst of it. He couldn't imagine anything more difficult than what it was like to confront Yuri about his identity – and even that hadn't been as bad as he'd expected. So he just had to stay positive, for both of them.
Before he left, he grabbed his slippers from near the door and slipped them on in the hallway, then made his way down to the kitchen. Despite what he said about making breakfast, he hesitated to touch the fridge door, imagining that neither of them would be in the mood to eat just yet if they planned on discussing something heavy. Just the thought of the smell of bacon was already turning his stomach.
Instead, he boosted himself onto his toes and opened the cupboard above the sink and retrieved two cups; his and Yuri's. He carefully set them down on the counter top and stood there for a second to admire them. His cup was a silly one he picked up at Sternbild's Anime Fest a few years before he met Yuri. It was a fanmade mug featuring one of his favorite manga ships on it, made by an artist he really admired. He'd been excited to meet them in person and had gladly snagged a bunch of items from their table. In comparison, Yuri's elegant, floral-patterned piece of china from England made his anime-themed mug look like a child's.
That contrast was what he loved.
They weren't as different as he'd first thought, and the differences that seemed so vast originally were what brought them closer together, closing in the gaps between them. It filled him with warmth to think of how his relationship with him, which began suddenly from immature curiosity, had grown up into something so responsible. No matter how uncertain he felt, the future looked a little clearer with that in mind. They couldn't be broken so easily.
He took out the first box of tea his hand grasped; orange pekoe. What a coincidence. It felt like a nostalgic choice, reminding him of that day after his first night with Yuri, as he'd sat in the cafe with Karina and awkwardly explained how he and Yuri had sort-of hooked up. He hadn't told her everything, but he'd said enough for her to get the idea.
Judge Petrov? Stophavingfun? That guy who was always antagonizing him and pestering him online? She could hardly believe him when he told her.
The orange pekoe tea he lightly sipped had helped him push through their conversation confidently, feeling invigorated by its lively flavor.
He was going to rely on that lively flavor again and hoped that it could help them through.
Yes, that Yuri; the same one who had always been hanging around the official HeroTv forums, quietly watching their discussions, intervening to say foul things in ruthless capital letters. It wasn't all that surprising in the end to realize that he must've only spoken when he felt left out. Like any good troll, he was crying for attention. Through those big letters and shocking words, his meaning had found its way across the screen to someone's heart.
Gradually – just gradually – Ivan coaxed the truth out of him. Now no screen, no words, no masks would get in the way.
Filling the tea kettle at the sink, he let out a sigh. The morning was cold without his jacket or at least a sweatshirt, but he wanted that chill to remain for a while, finding it helpful. He didn't want to become too comfortable just yet. The slight prickle of goosebumps across his skin kept his eyes open and his ears alert. He wanted to be sure to hear every word Yuri said, to look at him clearly and understand.
Yeah. As a hero, maybe there still wasn't a lot he could do compared to anyone else, but as Ivan, he felt like he'd come a long way. He was the one who'd captured Lunatic, after all. He was the one who held his vulnerable heart in his hand. Even Yuri seemed to be telling him that it was up to him to decide what he did with it.
As he placed the kettle on the stove and turned up the heat, he heard a sound from the kitchen doorway. He'd wasted too much time just getting everything together, he regretted that he didn't have the tea prepared in time. He was just going to have to wait a little while for it to do its thing before he could have the tea's invigorating taste to hold him together. Just a little longer.
He turned to regard him, a “good morning” on the edge of his lips, falling weakly, getting lost as his eyes fell on Yuri's face.
Quickly, he hastened his way across the kitchen to him his fingers twitching, again begging to touch him, to reach out and inspect the pale marks on his face. “Yuri, what-” But he couldn't say anything more, too confused. Initially surprised and terrified that he'd hurt himself somehow, he slowly began to realize that the marks on his face which hadn't been there only minutes before looked as if they'd been there a long time.
Ivan slowly lowered his hands to his sides. It was already difficult to decide what he should say. Yuri had his hair down and he looked like he wanted to hide. There were a lot of questions Ivan already wanted to ask, like, ”What is this?” Or, “Why have I never seen this?” But it sounded too insensitive for him to jump ahead on his own and say things like that, realizing how it might sound to Yuri. Those things were bound to be explained, he was sure.
So, instead, he asked him, “This has something to do with what you need to explain, doesn't it?”
Without speaking, Yuri simply nodded his head, his hair falling across his face, partially covering the strangely-shaped scar on his face. He went around him and quietly took his usual seat at the kitchen table and folded his hands on the tabletop.
“Uh- I'm boiling water for tea. I didn't really get to anything else yet,” Ivan explained, awkwardly sitting down across from him at the other side of the table. “S-so... I guess this is why I've never been allowed to shower with you?”
His attempt at humor worked, thankfully, as a faint smile graced Yuri's face. “Yes, sorry. I've done very well at hiding it with makeup, but I'm not sure it would've been able to withstand a shower, I'm sure you understand.”
“That's true,” Ivan laughed.
It was sort of strange. As soon as he saw the mark on his face, he was assaulted by all kinds of feelings. Out of them all, surprise had been the most prominent, then followed curiosity and worry, but also a disturbing feeling he couldn't name that settled in his stomach. Having that mark revealed to him so suddenly, presented without any prior explanation, it made him feel as if the person sitting across from him was someone else. It was still unquestionably Yuri, but...
How had it happened? What was it from? Was it something he did to himself?
The answer eluded him, appearing as an unwavering black question mark.
“Where do I even begin...” Yuri wondered aloud, his eyes blankly roaming the ceiling as he leaned back in his chair, resting his arms on the sides. “I've never told any of this to anyone else before... No one else.”
“No one...” Ivan slowly repeated, feeling it significant.
He nodded slightly, sitting up again. “Yes. That may be the most important thing to know – that none of this has been heard by anyone else. I'm sure there must be a few who still know the truth, but even their lips are sealed, and I'm sure that none of them would come forward with what they know. It's unlikely that they would be believed now anyway.”
In other words, whatever he had to say was a secret that was shared by other people. Yuri wasn't alone, but he was the only one who was going to share what he knew. It made Ivan feel honored, in a way, but it also rekindled his fears. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it had to be. A secret that was shared between Yuri, a member of Sternbild's own judicial system, and some other people? Who were they? Whatever it was, his words sounded foreboding.
“I've never spoken about my parents,” he said. That hollow look was in his eyes again, reflecting no light. “My father was a NEXT. He was a hero.”
Ivan's eyes widened.
That was... quite a piece of information to receive all at once. It was simple, but it was weighty. Before he could stop himself, his brain was already in overdrive, trying to figure out how that information would affect the way he understood him.
“I guess you could say I had a good family. They were loving parents. I was an only child, so all of their attention belonged to me. As a hero, my father was away frequently, but that didn't really bother me when I was young because he was a very popular and admired hero. I was always quiet, so I was always given some trouble, but I was happy. It never bothered me because I looked up to my father.” His brows pulled together slightly, his mouth flattening, that hint of a smile from before completely gone. “'Never turn a blind eye to injustice,' he taught me.”
For some reason, already, Ivan felt himself shaking. He couldn't describe it. He just knew that there was something bad waiting. Those sounded like fond memories, so Yuri should've been smiling. He should've been happy. And if it hurt, then he should've cried, but there was nothing.
It was like Yuri himself didn't know what to think of the words he was saying.
“Was he a hero on HeroTV?” Ivan asked hesitantly.
Yuri's expression didn't even flinch. “Yes. Of course. He was the best.”
Ivan clutched his hands in his lap and prayed to hear the kettle's whistle.
“I'm sure that by now, you must be aware that a NEXT's powers may fade over time. That was what occurred with Wild Tiger – Kotetsu Kaburagi – and the same happened before, with my father. I may not have been a part of your little group back then, but you know that I've always kept an eye on you. As his powers faded, your friend Kotetsu also lost confidence in himself as a hero, didn't he?”
That did sound familiar. The decline in his Hundred Power had almost caused Kotetsu to quit being a hero altogether. It made him worry about a lot of things, like whether he would be holding Barnaby back or whether it would affect his own performance as a hero. It made everyone else reevaluate the way they used their powers, but, ultimately, they had decided that they would continue to use them for as long as viably possible for the sake of the city. It was an individual decision that felt more than individual when it affected the city as well.
“Yeah, I remember that,” Ivan said. “Do you think it's like that for everyone? Will my powers fade away someday too?”
“It's hard to say. I don't think anyone knows what causes a NEXT's powers to fade. By having a child, is a part of their power passed along and stolen from them? I've wondered, but I just don't know. There were other heroes who never suffered the way my father did, even when they reached his age. Even now, as I approach the age he was, my power is still strong. Perhaps I just haven't used mine as frequently as he did. He was... prolific in his endeavors.”
“Your father... Was he-” He wanted to ask. But he couldn't get it out. Before he could even finish that thought, Yuri continued.
“My father was always admired, held up and glorified as the paragon of justice. In everyone's eyes, even my own, he became more than just a person. He was more than just my father. Somewhere along the way, I think he may have forgotten about that and he started believing in all of the shining headlines about him. Although he was a hero, he forgot that he was also playing a character for TV, and he forgot about the person he was at home when he didn't have his mask.” His eyes that were already clouded seemed to become darker. “My proud father became a drunk. He turned violent. While the viewers at home were still shown the hero they admired, they failed to see the person who was withering behind the mask.”
Just like he thought, it was a difficult story to listen to. It wasn't even his own, but Ivan could feel his eyes and nose stinging already.
As heroes, that was a problem they faced. The viewers had no idea what they were really like when they weren't on TV. He thought that he and his friends were good people, but it made him wonder if there had been heroes who hadn't been quite so good when they weren't in front of the camera. They had their share of fights, but they always worked through everything together.
...Still, he could only know so much. The only thing that he could feel certain of were his own thoughts. There was no telling whether one of his own friends held some dark secret within themself.
Did it matter whether the public knew who they really were? He hadn't thought so, but... Looking at the tortured, haunted expression on Yuri's face, he couldn't feel so sure of that anymore. Did someone deserve to stay clean in the eyes of others if they were a monster behind the mask? Private matters were private, but if he were a fan, he couldn't imagine wanting to root for a hero who tormented his own family.
Unblinking, Yuri stared at the surface of the table as he continued. It sounded as if he were recounting everything straight from his memory, like he was speaking aloud to himself, repeating something he'd replayed over and over in his head already countless times.
“He was ashamed that he was losing his power. He couldn't stand it. Without his power, he wouldn't be able to be a hero anymore. Because he'd abandoned everything else, he couldn't let that happen, so, without anyone else noticing, the other heroes tried to help him. They believed in him just as much as he believed in himself, but who knows... They may have been threatened into it. Arrests were staged to make him look good so he could stay at the top.”
At the top...?
There was no way, Ivan thought, but he couldn't have been talking about anyone else.
“He was that perfect hero once upon a time, but not anymore, and especially not after what they did. Their actions only befouled his image. Even if the viewers went unaware, they had irreparably damaged the way his family saw him. And he knew that. He accused us of thinking he was useless, but that wasn't true at all. We wanted him back. We wanted him to come back, but we knew that the person he used to be was long gone. My mother was constantly in denial, but I'm sure that even she knew that.”
Thankfully, the kettle finally whistled, giving Ivan a reason to get up from his chair and stretch his legs. Bit by bit, he'd been leaning forward. Soon enough, he would've had his head on the table. He'd made his stomach hurt by getting himself into that awkward, nervous position.
“Are you hanging in there alright?” he asked as he retrieved the teapot. As he fixed the tea in it, he turned around to look at Yuri, leaning his hip against the counter. “You've been talking for quite a while. Some tea ought to keep your throat from getting worn out.”
Yuri looked like he'd just snapped out of a daydream, blinking in confusion. Numbly, he nodded and faced forward again as he waited.
It was bad, but so far it wasn't quite as bad as he thought it could be. Though... He wasn't sure how far this story had to go before it became that bad. It still had time to get there, unfortunately.
Preparing the tea helped him breathe a little. If there were one thing he was confident in, it was his ability to prepare tea. After meeting Yuri, he'd made sure to brush up on it so he could serve him the best cup.
He knew that he couldn't erase Yuri's pain. Like the things in his own past, there were stains that couldn't be cleaned off his heart. Ones that old were indelible.
Just one cup of tea wasn't going to fix anything. But maybe, just a little, it could help keep his words from leaving him sore.
“You don't mind continuing?” Ivan asked. The tea's loose, small leaves didn't take very long to brew at all, and he was grateful for that. It only took a few minutes – enough time, he hoped, for Yuri to breathe. Carefully, he placed Yuri's cup down in front of him and poured a little, vaguely wondering to himself if it were the type of tea that would benefit from honey.
Yuri reached for it, but he hesitated, his hands shaking too greatly to even consider grasping the cup. It seemed like he hadn't even noticed, looking surprised and dismayed at his own reaction. He'd been going on so calmly, but it was pretty clear that he wasn't feeling calm at all.
“We can take a break for now if you want,” Ivan said, returning to the other side of the table with his own cup. By the time he sat down, Yuri had already stilled his hands and was lifting his delicate cup to his lips. He looked determined.
“It's fine.” He paused, staring into his cup, and took another sip. It looked like he found something he liked as that faint smile that Ivan had feared disappeared returned. “You make a very good cup of tea,” he said.
That was good. It made him happy to receive his compliment, but it made Ivan happier to see that Yuri was still in there. “Thanks. It's your tea, though. I'm just the one who made it.”
“That's the important part,” Yuri said, lifting his eyes above the steam slowly rising from the surface of his cup. “I suppose I did choose well, though, didn't I?”
The tea's refreshing citrus flavor and the feeling that shined in Yuri's eyes for that instant felt quite similar. With his next sip, Ivan distantly thought about how he would always remember that taste as something happy. It was doing exactly what he'd hoped it would, dispelling some of the dark and anxious feelings that clung to their conversation.
Disappointment appeared to crease Yuri's brow. “It feels like a shame... I feel like I'll just be ruining the tea if I keep going,” he said.
“Nah, not at all. The tea's supposed to help. Let it do its job.”
Yuri took his suggestion to heart, staring very seriously at his cup. He took a breath, then said, “Alright,” then tried to resume from where he'd left his story, now with renewed resolve. “I don't think there's much left to this story. As you know now, my father's powers were in decline for a while. The frustration that brought him was taken out on my mother and me, and there was only so much I could do about it. Apart from him, my mother also began to blame me, saying that if I hadn't been born, he might not've been losing it.”
Ivan set his cup down. “That's- That's terrible... But you didn't even have your power yet, did you? How could she even say something like that?”
He was just preaching to the choir. Even though it looked like a part of Yuri had become used to such treatment, he shared his incredulity. Just repeating her words brought back the memory of what it was like, slashing open barely-sealed wounds from his past.
“By that point, living with that day in and day out, I could hardly remember what it was like to have a loving family. We weren't the picture-perfect thing everyone imagined – not anymore. If I thought it was bad then, then I really hadn't realized how bad it could get.”
It could get worse? Ivan was scared. His teacup was permanently clutched in his hands.
Leaning forward a little in his seat, Yuri rested his arms on the table and took another sip of his tea. It must've been necessary for him to continue. “I suppose I'll just cut to the chase,” he said.
His face pale, that mark that spread from his cheek to his forehead looked much redder and more painful. It had to be as old as his story, so it couldn't have hurt any longer, but it made Ivan wince whenever he let his eyes linger on it. Even if it didn't hurt in a physical way, there must have been some sort of pain in it for Yuri to constantly keep it hidden.
“One day,” he began slowly, setting his cup down in its saucer as his hands once again began to tremble, “I came home from school and heard shouting. Sad to say, I was used to that, but it sounded... more distressed than usual. I left my things and followed the sound to the garage where I found him beating my mother.”
“Yuri,” Ivan said suddenly, not quite sure what he even wanted to say. The stinging behind his eyes was back and now his heart was in his throat. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if he found his own parents in that situation, but worse was knowing who Yuri was really talking about. “Your father. He... Was he really...?”
This wasn't how he expected his story to go...
It was awful.
“They were both horrible to me, but I still remembered who they used to be. I couldn't stand to see them that way... I felt like the only one who had any sense left in them, but... The truth is, I was still just a child. I don't know what I thought I could do, but I felt like I couldn't just sit out of their sight and do nothing. He may have been losing his power, but there was no way for me to know what he was capable of doing to her. So...”
Before he even finished, Ivan's lip trembled and tears fell from his eyes.
Everything felt too quiet as Yuri finished, as Ivan's tears left ripples in his tea.
“I threw myself in front of her and took the next hit. Then he grabbed me.” Lightly, he placed a hand over his face, over the scar that Ivan hasn't been able to understand. “My powers activated for the first time. At that moment, I also made a decision.”
Holding a fist to his mouth, Ivan set down his cup and looked aside. He knew it was too late to hide his tears.
“Why are you crying?” Yuri asked.
Wasn't that obvious? Yet, when he looked at him, he could see that Yuri was gone again. Back then, when Yuri made that decision, that must have been the moment when Lunatic emerged to protect him. It enveloped him in fire and shielded him from the seriousness of his actions. Maybe, inside of him, somewhere far, far at the back of his heart, he was crying, but that part was deeply buried.
It was hidden for his sake, to keep him from the crippling reality of what he'd done.
“It's just...” Ivan drew a stuttering breath, shaking his head. “There was a statue... At the academy I attended to become a hero, there was a statue of Mr. Legend. I passed by it every day. He was... If I had known that he... I...”
What, though? What could he have done?
Just like Yuri, what could he have done?
A person like that – did he deserve a statue? Just who was wrong?
“I don't know,” he concluded weakly, suddenly feeling even more powerless. He hadn't realized that Yuri's situation could be that hopeless.
Remembering his tea, Yuri lifted his cup, his hands looking more still and assured than they should've for a person who'd just admitted something like that. It was frightening that he'd become so good at denying his pain. “Right,” he said, his lips resting against the edge of the cup. “That's how it is. That's all there is to it.”
He didn't know, either.
There was no solution. There was only self-preservation, necessary denial.
“I became Lunatic so that I could serve absolute justice and expose the foul actions of corrupt individuals. I hoped that I could show everyone that the man they had admired and deified was just a criminal, and yet... I still believed so strongly in who he was as a hero that I also didn't want to see his name tarnished. That's just hypocritical, isn't it?”
The way he spoke, it almost sounded like he was remembering something fondly, but the air felt wrong. Even if he ever found a way to expose Mr. Legend's actions to the public, he couldn't do it.
Everyone else remembered Mr. Legend in the way that Yuri wanted to remember his father; as a model hero and upstanding individual. If he ruined that, then it really would be like he killed him. For good. Everything he'd loved about him would be gone. As terrible as he may have been after his powers began to fade, nothing was worth killing him.
“I started spying on you and your hero friends, believing that surely there had to be something you all were hiding. My father had been surrounded by nothing but lies, so I felt sure of it. I looked into all of your files, but I couldn't find a single imperfection. That made sense to me, though. You're all heroes like he was, so there could have been something intentionally missing. I started sniffing out you and the other heroes on the HeroTV site, intentionally antagonizing, hoping that you would show me what I was looking for – some glimmer of the malice I expected to find. But there was just nothing. You were just... regular people. And you were all so surprisingly nice. I couldn't understand it.”
Ivan had never wished more that he could've been wrong. He hadn't wanted to be right. He'd sort of hoped that Yuri was just being petty when he pestered them.
“Taking you as an exception, I kept hoping that I'd still find something. I wanted to find a horrible flaw so that I could justify what I was doing...”
But he couldn't. Like he'd already said, there was no solution. What he did couldn't be fixed or erased or rewound. Nothing was going to bring his father back, so he became Lunatic as some way of atoning or justifying his actions, but that decision was only hurting him. He decided to turn himself into the monster his guilt had labeled him as.
“Yuri, you know...” Ivan swallowed and tried to look up at him even though Yuri's eyes didn't meet his. “You know, you were just a kid. It wasn't your fault. What happened was just an accident. I don't think you really meant to do that.”
“Years after the fact, yes, I realized that,” Yuri admitted. As he took a breath, his shoulders shook slightly, a little bit of color returned to his face. “His death was covered up, though, and I spent too many years being called a demon by my mother. I'm aware of what I did, but I never had the time to recover from it. I'm really not blind to the way it affected me, so... I think that's why I was able to stop.” He smiled again, just faintly. “I came to trust you. I saw what a good person you are, so that restored my faith a little. I realized that there was at least one hero I could believe in, and I trusted the belief you have in your friends, so I decided to quietly set myself aside, to watch you be the hero... I wanted to be.”
A tear rolled down his scarred cheek. It was like he didn't even realize.
“Ivan... Can I say what I'm thinking?”
He surrendered.
For him to even ask, he must have completely given up. With his identity exposed and his past laid out in front of him, he believed that he was at the end. Certainly, if he were judged by anyone else– No, as he had already judged himself, he was a dead man walking.
With an outlook that bleak, there was no point in holding anything else inside. It was only his pride and that part of him that had suffered for long to protect him inside that made him ask for permission.
For a moment, Ivan wasn't quite sure what to say. That part of Yuri that protected him might've made up a large part of what made him the person Ivan loved. If he let him finish, he was afraid that he'd be looking at someone else.
But that would be Yuri, too. No matter how it changed him, Ivan thought, he'd already promised himself that he would do whatever he could to help him.
Finding it too insensitive to remain where he was, feeling as though the distance separated them, he got up and went to him and knelt at his side. “Go on,” he said, giving him the strongest face he could muster.
Yuri turned slightly to face him, but he kept his head down. Finally noticing the tears on his face, he touched his fingers to his cheek and pulled them away to look at them with confusion, then a slow, relenting realization. “I miss him,” he said, looking at his wet fingers as though it were confirmation. “I miss him,” he said more confidently, his expression twisted by a combination of relief and grief. “I am worthless. I wish I could tell him that. I didn't understand a thing he tried to teach me.”
“That's not true.” Ivan raised himself up, put his arms around Yuri's shoulders and held him. “You've made mistakes, but you aren't worthless. You meant to do good. You were just trying to help someone and you couldn't control yourself. You didn't have the time to think. Even you admitted that you understand that. What happened warped your perspective. It was cruel, what happened, but it's impossible to say who was right and who was wrong.”
That was why it was wrong for him to decide on his own which criminals should be punished outside of the court. By the logic he used to protect himself, he was just as guilty and deserving of punishment. That was probably why he seemed so resigned, but even if that were the case, Ivan wasn't going to let that happen.
He wasn't going to punish him. He couldn't punish Yuri after he'd punished himself enough.
“I learned that myself when Edward was sent to prison. You can't simply decide that someone is wrong based on their actions. There are reasons and reasons behind those, and even then, sometimes there are no reasons at all. The world is just cruel that way. It's horrible. I'm sorry, Yuri,” he said, holding him tightly. “There are just no easy choices. You have to live with your decisions and with what life gives you, and hopefully they'll make you better.”
There were scars that couldn't be erased, but if they were faced, they could become tougher until they became trophies of one's ability to overcome the past. He hoped that it wasn't too late for Yuri to see that.
“Mr. Legend may be gone now, and maybe no one else will ever know the things about him that you know, but people still believe in the justice he stood for. Isn't that good? Even if people did know... You know, I don't think it would make a difference.” Leaning back, Ivan brushed Yuri's hair away from his face with a light touch. “Just like you, I think everyone would choose to remember the good things. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.”
There was probably still more that he could learn from him to fully understand it all, but he felt like he'd been able to get through to him with just that much. There wasn't really anything different about him once the truth was unraveled. Ivan still recognized the person underneath.
After Ivan moved away, Yuri rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He looked more exhausted than ever, but he was still hanging in there, as strong as always. “As long as I still have my power, I have to use it,” he said. “Keeping my mask in the closet... That's just selfish. Whether or not you told me to help you and the other heroes, I don't know how I would've lived with myself if I didn't.”
Ivan tilted his head, smiling. “Getting fired up?”
Yuri lifted his head and literal fire ignited from his eyes. He was really serious.
“I didn't mean like that...!” Ivan insisted, waving his hands at his face, like that could possibly put it out. His attitude must've helped Yuri because he suddenly smiled and the flames were gone, his cheeks dry in their wake.
“Ivan, thank you.” Somewhat hesitantly, Yuri held out his palm which Ivan promptly met with his own. Covering that hand with his other one, Yuri said again, “Thank you.”
There was no need for him to give him those eyes. Those eyes that made him feel so embarrassingly warm and... fuzzy. “You don't have to thank me. I'm the one who asked. I wanted to know. I'm just nosy.”
“Then I have that nosiness to thank,” Yuri joked. He said it with a totally straight face. If Ivan hadn't gotten used to his humor, he would've been mad.
Still... “What's that supposed to mean, huh?” he pretended to accuse, giving him a playfully stubborn huff. “Though, I gotta say,” he said idly, his eyes falling on their joined hands. “That was sort of surprising. I mean – surprising at the least. It turns out that you're Lunatic and Mr. Legend's son and you're the judge and administrator of the heroes. Onushi wa osoroshii hito de gozaru na...”
“Indeed, I suppose I am,” Yuri agreed.
Ivan bristled, nervous, his hands sliding away. “A-ah... You understood what I said?”
“Of course.” Properly facing forward, he returned to his tea, still finding it to his liking despite how much time they spent talking. “I've spent years with you. I was bound to understand some of the nonsense you say eventually.”
Point taken and slightly afraid of how much Yuri may have understood before then, Ivan hopped to his feet and returned to his chair. Somehow, he was feeling even more tired than before, but that heavy weight in his chest had definitely been lessened. Just looking at Yuri, he could tell that the same could be said for him as well. Unlike before, it looked like he was so relieved that he was ready to cry anytime, holding in even his happy tears behind a restrained smile. It was an improvement. So that was good. It was a lot better than that hollow expression. Ivan never wanted to see that look again.
“Have you thought about gifts yet?” Yuri asked.
Ivan wasn't sure what he was talking about for a second. It had nothing to do with anything they had been talking about, so something like that had completely slipped his mind. “Oh! Are you talking about Nathan's party? Are you going to come with me?”
“I was invited, wasn't I?” Yuri said, giving him an amused raise of his brows over his teacup. “Even if they never find out who I am, this may be an opportunity for me.”
For once, Yuri wasn't thinking about how he could use them.
Ivan slurped his tea. “Wow. The new, friendly Yuri...”
“I've always been friendly.”
“Uh-huh.”
Yuri's lips curled into a smile along the edge of his cup, and he flicked his eyes up. “I look forward to working with you, Origami Cyclone.”
Yabai... Lunatic or no, Yuri was dangerous in a totally different kind of way. Maybe he should've thought about it a little more before he went and told him that it would be alright for him to help.
“H-hai,” Ivan muttered, trying to hide his burning face by taking another sip of his tea. “Yoroshiku onegai shimasu... Yuri.”