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Windy.
Winter was always harsh, but this year's cold was of a new genre of cruel. It had been unusually windy for weeks now, coupled with the already almost unbearable cold, it was only natural everyone's morale was taken for the worst. Everywhere was another line of bickering or another bout of emotions; someone breaking down or becoming frustrated at a gesture that landed wrong.
Lena was of no exception. It was no mystery why she was nicknamed the Bloodstained Queen when her mere presence sent everyone scattering to look busy. It was unusual for her to be so strict and irritable, but that could be blamed on her increasing responsibilities along with the bitter weather. Regardless, it had effected her public appearance for the time being, even to those she was closest to.
Shin was one those aforementioned people. The onslaught of winter storms, along with the repetitive battles and constant Legion presence ringing in his ears was becoming more than a nuisance. There was no lack of things to be drained by, or reasons to be emotionally hindered. Yet, for reasons he couldn't explain even to himself, the thing that was hurting the most was how unapproachable Lena had been. It was already a task to get time with Lena, with both of their schedules always conflicting and their hours of leisure smaller than ever. The amount of time they had spent together for the past 2 months was negligible, if not completely nonexistent.
Shin wanted to talk to her more than anything, but every time he had the chance, Lena was dismissive of all around her that wasn't an immediate task, and even those she seemed ready to burn if her pen so much as caught the paper.
Shin was boiling over, even if he didn't want to admit it. A pot on high heat, left unattended until all the water had evaporated. A dull yet unrelenting desire for something, something that was lost to him. A want for an unfamiliar warmth. An unreasonable want to be in the same room as her, to hear her laugh, to hear the prideful "Good work today, Shin," that he had become so accustomed to, yet hadn't heard since the days grew so unfavorable. It felt selfish. It felt demanding. Ungrateful. A selfish desire that had became such a burden.
It felt like a lost cause. Deciding to resign himself to nothing more than menial work and whatever chores could drown out everything he felt was the only solution. It wasn't like the ache made sense to him, anyway, but even if it did the outcome would've been the same. He would simply wait. Wait until the storms had passed, until the battles slowed. Wait for Lena to be more at ease, from the weather and the burden of work. Wait for an opportunity where it wouldn't be so shameful to want to be in her vicinity.
A few days of avoiding her wouldn't kill him. A few days. If she needed, a few weeks. It would swelter until he burst, but if it was asked of him, Shin would wait years.
Yet, he still subconsciously hoped it would be no more than a day.
Every task was a failure at the one thing it meant to do. No matter how many reports, how much maintenance, how many patrols, the one thing still ringing in his head was how badly he wanted to see Lena. Every moment of quiet was flooded with the Legions shrill screaming, which was becoming greatly difficult to avoid hearing when the one thing that kept it at bay was her. It was so much noise. So much pain from every direction. Physically exhausted and mentally drained beyond recognition. Left to hang up and dry, forgotten for so long no one wanted to accept the blame anymore.
The only thought louder than the misery he was engulfed by daily.
Lena.
Days turned in to weeks. It was just as agonizing as he expected, the events transpiring meaning nothing to the constant torment. A few more days of rigorous battles. A few more hours of paperwork to sift through and sign. A few more nights of being utterly incapable of doing more than lying in bed, listening to the distant mechanical chatter like white noise. Nothing to heal a wound with no origin.
It had been a month. By now, the wind was near nonexistent. Everyone's day to day lives had altered, to account for the lessening tension and hostility. More often, you'd see people in groups again, everyone slowly becoming less reclusive and catching up. The mess hall was livelier, the dorms were full of spirit, everywhere there was an air of relief and calm. The battles had been gradually slowing, in intensity and frequency, so along with the ever improving weather, it was no surprise that the general mood had increased.
For Shin, it still felt cold and strenuous. For Shin, it was the same as it had been for the past month. The Legion were further, but in his mind, they were still loud. It was less frigid, but his body still felt cold and damp down to the bone. There was an emptiness to the days, with things slowing. It had been so much time spent wallowing and drowning in his own emotions and thoughts, that the idea of going back to the daily rituals was lost. It was like back in the Republic. Back before reaching the end. Before having someone to make the days worthwhile.
It was embarrassing. It was beyond shameful. It was an act of betrayal, to himself and to everyone he had fought for. To realize he was no longer living for other people, but for himself. To realize that Lena had given him a hope that was impossible to come by otherwise. The longer time spent dwelling on what that could mean, what it had done to influence him, it brewed a nausea that was strong enough to make Shin skip lunch many days. It was truly and utterly sickening. Selfish beyond comprehension.
It became a thought that seeing Lena ever again would be the death of him. It would resurface all the pain, all the emotions. The base being kinder was a curse. Every corner turned had the opportunity to be met with long silver hair. Every hallway had the chance to echo with a silver bell-like voice ringing with laughter. It was cold, every single day, yet the thought of running in to Lena made him sweat as if it was the height of summer.
On the off chance Lena was there when he did enter a room, Shin made no eye contact. Took every precaution to avoid seeing or hearing her as best as he could. Finish whatever business was in the room, leave. It felt cruel, but for the most part it was effective in avoiding any interaction. It was the least he could do if they had more chances to see each other.
There was a time where he didn't go unnoticed, however. Where while walking down a hallway, a gentle clicking of heels was heard. A simple, common sound, until they sped up to try to match pace, and a faltered but excited "Shin!" was heard accompanying. It was enough to make him jolt, to be immediately overwhelmed by everything pent up. It was rude. What he did was rude, but he only had one option. He ran. Ran away from the person he wanted to see most.
The rest of the month was admittedly no better. A lot of close encounters, where for a few days Lena seemed determined to make him talk. And all he could do, every single time, was run. Eventually, she seemingly gave up. It hurt. It was so painful. To walk through a room with Lena calling after him, it was devastating. But to walk through a room where she barely spares a glance was beyond anguish.
Shin had lost track of time by now. It was warmer and the sun was more visible. There was no more snow, no more howling wind. Everyone everywhere had returned to their usual cheerful selves. Everyone was spending time together, joking during battles, delaying training to enjoy themselves. Shin was the only one who was more broody than while winter had reached its peak. Something about seeing the way everyone was casually interacting, the familiarity in the nuanced discussions, it was making the pit in his heart feel larger. It was only worsened with the occasional sighting of Lena, who looked like she had experienced the death of her home ten times over. It hadn't gone unnoticed by anyone either, with all gossip around being of how Lena looked like she was fighting a battle alone daily. Some rumored she had lost a lover.
He wanted to ask. To know what was hurting her so badly and how he could fix it. To be the shoulder for her to lean on and support herself with. But that would take admitting how he felt. It had been so long. So much time has passed and it felt impossible to return to how things used to be. He would just have to hope someone could come along and aid her in his place. As if it wasn't terribly selfish to assume she would even want to be aided by him.
It had only been growing warmer, with no one in their winter uniforms anymore. Every day blurred together, but it was admittedly rather nice outside. It could be beautiful when the breeze rippled through the trees, or when the sunset was painted in pink. It was nice and a simple solace. Today, the sunset was interrupted. Shin had returned to his dorm with the expectation of grabbing a book and spending the rest of the evening under the sun. A recent common hobby. The interruption came in the form of a letter, delicately and intentionally placed on his pillow.
A black envelope, with gold trim. A gold seal, stamped in glittering wax, in the shape of the Federacy's seal.
"I have urgent business to discuss with you privately. Please visit my quarters at your soonest convenience. Thank you.
- Vladilena Milize"
A letter directed to him, using Lena's official business stamp for her signature. A vague letter, at that. It took a long while for Shin's head to stop spinning long enough to think of what to do. The paper had a faint smell of violets, which felt like the worst form of intoxicating when he had tried so hard to avoid it. The guilt was immediate when he realized the smell was enough to momentarily stop the dread and pain he had been harboring. This was really bad. He stuffed the letter back in its envelope and placed it under the bed, so the scent would be hidden from him.
After a while of considering what to do, debating if deserting would be worth getting as far away as possible mostly, Shin figured the only thing that he could do was to oblige. It took some time to breathe normally, get the courage to start the trek. It wasn't a particularly long walk, but the looming dread made it feel like hours of uphill hiking. All of the noise in his ears was deafening, the blood rushing mixed with the distant shrill mechanical noise, the wandering thoughts of what could've possibly happened for him to be summoned in such a formal manner.
If this meeting turned out to be a mistake, he could always desert later.
Arriving to Lena's quarters felt like being met with a block of stone. The grand doors. The barrier between him and Lena. Shin's last line of defense before learning if deserting was in fact a better option. His breath caught in his throat when he reached to knock on the door, fist hovering against the wood.
Click. Click. Click.
A rhythmic, unhurried clicking of heels. Lena pacing on the other side. A sound he was used to and didn't realize he missed. Suddenly, knocking seemed like a great task. Knocking would break the barrier. It would ruin the potentially last moments before he never gets to see Lena again. Suddenly he wished he never saw the letter. Wished he could turn around and go right back to his dorm, go to bed, and pretend he was never summoned in the first place.
Until the clicking suddenly got louder, and the door was promptly flung open. Shin stumbled back a bit, while Lena squeaked at realizing he was in fact outside the door. It was obvious how much she was trying to fight off her face growing red. Neither of them knew what to do and simply stood staring off in opposite directions for a moment, neither wanting to break the silence or confront what just happened. Lena gave a small, polite bow as she straightened out her outfit before looking at him properly, putting on a voice as if nothing has happened.
"Captain Nouzen. I thank you for arriving promptly," the words were said with such clarity and profession, that the underlying tone of embarrassment was the only hint at the ordeal they just got themselves in, "however I do have important matters to discuss with you."
"Major. Is something wrong?" He knew the answer. He knew what was wrong and that the words were only for pleasantries. Shin knew it was because of him, because of the ache he couldn't get rid of, that it was why he was called here. Every word Lena said was nearly lost to the deafening noise he couldn't even try to shake anymore. The breeze coming from the open window, rustling the papers on the desk and plants in the windowsill, was all lost to his ears. All he could hear was the same ambience he had been swarming with for so long now.
Lena had stepped aside, inviting him in. She was just as awkward as usual when they were together. She was so familiar. Like being reunited with your childhood home. Finding your favorite food again after years of not having it. It made the ache worse, like he wasn't fully satisfied. Given the home but unable to enter. Smelling the food but unable to find it. What a selfish thing. To be where he wants to be, yet still hurting. Still wanting something that he doesn't know.
Shin was afraid to look at her too long. Afraid if she saw too deeply in to him, Lena would see all the ugly and undesirable he hid. Everything was boiling over again. Smelling the familiarity of her room. Seeing a scenery he was well accustomed to. Hearing Lena's quiet muttering and nervous laughs as she tried to figure out what to say, where to start. Everything was what he wanted. Everything that he feared he would lose now.
Lena finally started to compose herself, get her words gathered and ready. She cleared her throat a few times before starting, still visibly unsure of herself.
"Yes, er- I would like your insight on a matter. It.. has seemed like you are avoiding me. I have noticed you turn away when I look to you, or leave when I enter a room, and you have stopped personally updating me after battles..." she was unwilling to make eye contact as she spoke, tugging at the hem of her skirt and staring at the ground as if looking anywhere near Shin would cause one of them to shatter, "...I would like to know if I have done something wrong, or if you are no longer happy to be under my command for whatever reason. I can get you assigned to report to someone else, if that would be preferred."
Every word was said slowly, a barely noticeable wince added to the "someone else" that Shin couldn't place why would be there. Why would that upset her? When he was the one who had done everything wrong?
A few stunned blinks in response. The first time in months where Shin actually looked at, stared at, Lena and took in her features. The nervous frown she had accompanied by her fidgety stance and hands. The cautious glances she seemed scared to give him while anticipating his reactions. It really was all too much, to see her in such a state because of his own selfish reasoning. It was too much.
Please. Lena.
He broke.
Shin was always composed, yet right here standing in front of Lena, in her own room, he was breaking. He almost didn't realize the knees holding him strong had already given up, now dug in to the ground. He almost didn't notice Lena's sharp gasp and dropping down next to him, grabbing his shoulders so firmly but gently. It was only when her shaking hands had held his face, pulling his gaze up to hers, that Shin realized they shared the same expression. That Lena's anxious tears reflected his own.
In a moment of desperation, wanting so badly for everything he had felt to go away, to curl up and die again if that was what needed to happen, all Shin could think to do was wrap his arms around Lena's waist, burying his head in her stomach. It was the only act that felt like it would provide safety. That felt like it would heal what had been broken inside him for so long.
It was embarrassing. It felt like a horrible sin. To be sobbing in to Lena's waist while she cradled his head so lovingly. To feel his heart breaking, being ground to dust as all he wanted to do was stay right there for the rest of his life. Lena was gently combing through his hair, softly but shakily asking if he was alright. It was like he was finally given permission to hurt. Given the chance to let it be known how much everything weighed him down.
It took multiple minutes for Shin to calm down enough to stop crying, but he still refused to pull away from Lena. If he let go, there was no guarantee of what would happen. If he would ever get to see her or be near her again. Even as her delicate hands ran through his hair, he was full of so much doubt and fear. If Lena was done with him, there was nothing left. It would've all been for nothing.
"Shin? Are you alright? Y-you don't have to let go if you aren't, but what's wrong? Did something happen?" Every word was caked in concern and care. Something more that he couldn't discern too. The questions made Shin hold on to her even tighter. The ache and guilt felt so much worse when he realized that being held like this, all the noise was gone. He could hear the breeze, the papers rustling, Lena's quickened heartbeat. All the internal noise was gone. He knew the only option was to be honest, tell her everything he felt. Even if he didn't understand half of it.
"I was scared. I wanted to be around you, Lena, but I was scared you would hate me for how I felt. It hurts to be away. It hurts to imagine never seeing you again. Please don't leave. Please don't assign me to someone new. Let me stay here with you. Please don't me want to go." It was excruciating to get the words out. It felt like his throat was closing with each syllable he could manage. But it was said. The sin had become known finally.
After a moment, Lena let out a soft laugh, placing a hand to gently run her thumb across Shin's cheek. "I never wanted you to go anywhere, Shin. I figured you had been avoiding me because you didn't want to see me anymore, or I'd done something unforgivable to you. I don't want you go and I don't want to go either. You've done nothing wrong. I wouldn't hate you for how you feel, especially if it's just wanting to spend time together."
A weight had been lifted. Every ounce of pain had seeped out of Shin. Finally, every muscle that had been tensed for who knows how long, finally relaxed. An immediate wave of exhaustion took over, swirling around the incredible amount of comfort he hadn't realized he felt while lying in Lena's lap like this. It was finally enough to raise his head, look up at her teary, silver eyes full of so much warmth. Lena. The person he wanted to be with. The only person he didn't know how to live without.
To Lena, she saw nothing wrong about what Shin felt. To her, it was nothing to be ashamed of or upset by. In fact, it was confusing as to why Shin would think she would hate him for it. Was it not exactly how she had felt, too? Why her uniform had changed, her hair turned red? She hoped he understood that, as they made idle chatter while Shin became increasingly noticeably more tired. It was nice, to have him lay in her lap. To comfort him where she had been comforted many times before. A sort of repayment, where one was mutually but silently agreed to never be needed.
It was calm. Finally, properly calm for everyone. The spring breeze and the fading pink sunset. The violet perfume that wafted through Lena's room. Lena still running her hands through Shin's hair, while Shin had long since fallen asleep. He had drowsily commented about how much he enjoyed the familiarity of her presence. Lena hadn't thought much of it when she said it, thinking he had fallen asleep and speaking off pure emotion, but Shin very much heard her quiet comment.
"I love your familiarity, too."