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It was Sharpy’s fault. Obviously. As most things were, really.
He had been especially obnoxious in the locker room after practice, thrusting a pile of brightly colored fliers into the rookie hands of Teuvo and instructing him to pass one out to each of the team as they stripped out of their gear.
“What the hell is this?” Shawzy asked, reviewing the bright colors as the team around him groaned.
“Dammit, Mutt,” Seabs muttered grumpily.
“What’d I say?” Shawzy was confused.
“What are you, new or something?” Kaner slapped him across the back of his head, grumpily. “You never make eye contact and you never acknowledge when Sharpy has things handed out. Did you not learn this after the Great Fake Magazine Article Disaster of 2014?”
There was a collective shudder amongst the guys who had endured that particular Sharpy prank. To his credit, Shawzy paled and blanched at the reminder. How that shape-shifting demon Sharpy had ever gotten his hands on the very personal photos of key members of the core, was anyone’s guess. But safe to say, everyone had seen far more of Duncs concerning rash and Hammer’s dad wearing a speedo on a beach in Greece than anyone ever should.
“I’m wounded Peeks,” Sharpy faked wide-eyed innocence as he clutched at his heart.
“Sure you are, asshole,” Kaner snorted and wadded the flier up without looking at it, staring Sharpy down with narrowed eyes as he did.
“Actually, this is interesting,” Jonny murmured as he read over his copy of the flier. Kaner whirled and stared as if betrayed.
“Jonny!” he squeaked. “You of all people know better. Remember Splash Magazine, remember the pregnancy texts. Dude ….”
“What’s a Trivia Night?” Jonny inquired, pointedly ignoring Kaner’s indignant rage.
“I am happy you asked, mon capitan,” Sharpy slid onto the bench next to Jonny, wrapping a conspiratorial arm around his shoulders. Jonny at least had enough sense to knock the arm off in a huff. “Maddy’s preschool is having a fundraiser and although most of you are definitely NOT smarter than a fifth grader, you are all required to attend Trivia Night and help the Little People’s Happy Place Pre-School meet their financial goal to build a new jungle gym with handicapped accessibility.”
“First,” Seabs drawled. “I think the word you are looking for is ‘invited’ not required.”
“And second,” Duncs took over smoothly, catching the opening like he would a pass from Seabs. They were so freaky in tune even off the ice. “I would rather write the check for the new equipment myself then hang out and do a night of trivia with you.”
“But wait,” Jonny interrupted. Kaner groaned, recognizing the look on his face. It was the same look he got before video games, ping pong tournaments, and basically any activity that could be turned into a competition. The freak. Kaner knew where this was going and felt helpless to stop it.
“I’ll write a check too,” Kaner exclaimed weakly, giving it one final shot. “We will buy two jungle gyms. Come on Jonny, forget it. It’s way better to get them two jungle gyms. Think of the children, the poor little handicapped children.” Kaner batted his thick eyelashes and did his best puppy-dog plea. Which Jonny easily ignored, practiced as he was.
“So you buy tables of ten people and then the ten people compete with other tables in trivia questions?” Jonny inquired and ignored the moans of at least four of the guys, including the Swedes who really rarely ever even entered the fray.
“Yepper,” smiled Sharpy.
“Don’t say ‘yepper,’” Jonny admonished as he stared at the paper. Kaner groaned again as he watched the literal flush of realization flow over Jonny’s face. Jonny’s crazy eyes got excited and then narrowed with steel determination.
“Please no ….” Versteeg buried his face in his hands.
“We are absolutely doing this!” Jonny exclaimed excitedly. “We are totally going to kill at this.” His eyes swept the room as his plans took over. “Okay, put us down for three tables of ten, Sharpy.”
“Uh, count me out,” Shawzy shook his hands back and forth. “I think we all know that trivia is not my strong area.”
“Me neither,” chimed Saader in quickly, Bicks right on his tail.
“I don’t speak English good enough,” Kruger offered up and Hossa nodded next to him.
“Enough.” Jonny ordered in his best captain voice and Kaner slumped in his locker, knowing full well that it had spun out of any stoppage at this point. He watched Jonny look around the room and make assessments.
“Alright, here it is.” Jonny announced. “Team Red will be as follows: me, Kaner, Richards, Duncs, Seabs, Raanta, Hossa, Sharpy, Abby, and Troy.” The equipment manager was walking through as he heard his name, started to protest, saw the sad shake of Kaner’s head, and turned to walk back out of the room dejectedly.
“Why Abby and Troy?” Oduya asked and Kaner threw a ball of socks at him to keep him from encouraging the madness.
“Because, as in hockey,” Jonny said superiorly as at least three people groaned. Jonny ignored them. “If we want to win, we need to have experts on a wide variety of topics in order to balance out the team. None of us knows dick about science but Abby is smarter than most of us, she’s in. Troy brings a certain amount of equipment and mechanical and maintenance knowledge. I bring environmental and political information, Duncs brings physical fitness knowledge, Richie is familiar with golf and merchandising for his clothing line, Seabs has a lot of outdoor knowledge, Raanta and Hossa are our European links.”
“What about Sharpy?” Kaner glared at Saad as he queried innocently.
“Sharpy brings a knowledge of hair products and a certain douchebaggery expertise,” Kaner said dryly, still blaming him.
“And Kaner brings a vast knowledge of cocktails and potential sexually transmitted diseases,” Shawzy guffawed, causing the room to laugh.
“Perhaps,” Jonny’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment for him, “but Kaner is also basically the biggest hockey and sports nerd on the planet as well as a font of pop culture information.”
Kaner was simultaneously flattered and pissed.
“Great!” Sharpy smiled and clapped Jonny on the shoulder. “I will get Abby on board and we will set up the other two teams tomorrow. On behalf of the little people, I thank you.”
Everyone finished up stretching and changing, moving along and exiting the room until only Jonny and Kaner were left. Kaner rolled his eyes when he heard Jonny humming happily to himself as he finished up dressing after his shower.
“Tazer,” Kaner leaned against the wall next to Jonny, damp curls dripping uncomfortably onto his grey t-shirt after his own shower. “I think, no hell man, I know you are going to overdo this thing.”
“Whatever,” Jonny snorted confidently. “This is a total lock. We are destroying the other teams.”
“Jon,” Kaner said softly, as if speaking to a small child, because, well kind of. “Have you thought about who the other teams will be?” Jonny’s brow furrowed, answering Kaner’s question in that clearly he did not.
“Doesn’t matter,” Jonny snorted dismissively. “They won’t be as balanced as us. We can’t lose.”
*****
“Congratulations, Tazer,” Kaner drawled sarcastically four weeks later as he leaned back in the folding chair set up in the aging gymnasium. “All that required reading, mock trivia battles, and increased servings of omega 3 fats that you planned out worked brilliantly. Team Red is the official Trivia Night Champion at the Little People’s Happy Place Pre-School Trivia Night Fundraiser.”
Kaner lifted the tiny plate of brownies and the plastic cup of juice as a toast. “How does it feel to make seventeen grandmothers, thirteen soccer moms, ten oblivious dads, and seven preschool aides cower in the shadow of our combined brilliance and knowledge? I think I saw Mrs. Oversham weep and tell her group that she didn’t deserve to be a principal anymore because she was clearly too dumb.”
“Shut up, Kaner,” Jonny grumbled miserably as he nibbled at a piece of the victory brownie, slapping Seabs’s hand away when he made a reach for it. The competition had clearly not lived up to Jonny’s expectations if he was drowning his sorrows in brownie goodness.
“Mr. Uncle Toe-ez,” Maddy came running up, sickeningly cute in her pink gingham dress and matching hair bows. Kaner felt a bit slighted that she went to Jon instead of him.
“Hey Mads,” Jonny forced a smile at her, wincing at both the hideous nickname that she used for him, clearly picked up from her father, and at the sharp little elbow in his rib cage as she clambered up onto his lap.
“Here Mr. Uncle Toe-ez,” Maddy beamed and thrust a piece of paper at him.
Kaner started to leap across the table and grab it. Didn’t these people ever learn not to take reading material from Sharps, no matter how small and cute? Jonny slapped his hand away and Maddy turned, beamed, and held out her tiny fist to Kaner for a fist bump. Kaner basically melted and complied with a dopey grin as he bumped her tiny fist.
“What is that, Maddy?” Duncs inquired, not able to see it from his position across the table. Kaner watched in fascination as Jonny’s face contorted through, holy shit, were those emotions?!
“It’s the award for being the best,” Maddy said through a mouth full of stolen victory brownie from Jon’s plate. “My class made it. It’s got glitter and pony stickers and a Spongebob sticker and that is a kitten and a puppy. See the heart? I drawed that myself.”
Jonny was silent for a moment, overcome with honest-to-God feelings, and random glitter. He looked at the paper with such incredulity and fondness that Kaner felt prickles behind his own eyes on Jon’s behalf.
“Fucking A boys!” Jonny thrust the paper over his head with all of the passion and excitement as if it were the Stanley Cup. Glitter rained down on his head in the process.
The team, and the rest of the assembled grandparents, parents, and teachers looked at him with wide open mouths and shocked expressions. Kaner was pretty sure he caught Abby straight up gut-punch Sharpy out of the corner of his eye but he was mainly focused in mortification on Jon’s face. Jonny froze, horrified when he realized what had just happened.
“Fucking A Mr. Uncle Toe-ez,” Maddy exclaimed, her tiny voice just as loud and just as proud, with a chocolate-stained face, her little fist clutched around a brownie and thrust in the air.
*****
Needless to say, the Great Trivia Night Disaster accomplished four things.
First, Sharpy learned that even being Chicago’s Most Beautiful did very little to help the amount of groveling and apologizing he had to do to students, staff, and families at Little People. There were rumors that his eventual trade to Dallas may not have been as coincidental as it appeared but those are just rumors.
Secondly, the Little People’s Happy Place Pre-School was now equipped with four full jungle gyms complete with handicapped access (three of which were personally funded and donated by Mr. Jonathan Toews). Mr. Toews was not invited to the ceremony unveiling the equipment but he received a lovely gift basket in thanks which included a bottle of soap and a book entitled “I Swear: The true story of how a man changed his life by giving up curse words.”
Third, the Little People’s Happy Place Pre-School developed a series of fundraising options that no longer involve Trivia Nights and instead focuses on sales of traditional items like jellies, candy, and miscellaneous knick-knacks. Mrs. Oversham is far smarter than she gives herself credit. She has, however, sadly developed a nervous twitch in her eyebrow whenever anyone mentions the Chicago Blackhawks.
Fourth, from time to time, Kaner gets the immense joy of brushing glitter from Jonathan’s hair in the locker room since the Trivia Night Champion certificate had permanently found a home in Jonny’s locker where it randomly rains down glitter on Jonny and his equipment as he gets ready. And each time he does, he is rewarded with the most amazing red-flush of embarrassment as Jonny fully remembers exactly where the glitter originated ….