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Minthara stood above the pile of gore that had been Orin. She herself was completely covered in blood, as if she had bathed in it. Karlach and Illiamer were covered in their enemies remains as well, though it was less noticeable on the Tiefling, compared to the two drow, with their white hair. Only Astarion, who preferred to fight from a distance, was as pristine as always. He currently got back from Orin‘s private chambers, stuffing a few potions into his bag.
„Now, Ladies, let’s get out of here. As much as i enjoy the scent of blood, this place reeks of decay.“, he said while walking past them, quickly followed by Karlach.
Illiamer stood next to Minthara who held Orins dagger in her hands, turning it over and looking at it like she was searching for something. They had talked briefly after their victory, before they started searching the bodies for something useful. Of course they made sure to get a hold on the Netherstone first.
„Let us follow our companions, Minthara.“, Illiamer said, but it didn’t seem like the Paladin had heard her. So she put her hand on the small of her back and spoke to her in drow, something she rarely did, even though it was much easier for her than common.
„Let us leave this vile place, princess.“, and only now Minthara looked up to Illiamer and nodded.
They did not speak on their way out of the Bhaal temple, through the sewers and all the way to the elf song tavern. It was dark outside and the streets were empty.
They followed far behind Astarion and Karlach but they still could hear them very well. They could hear how they planned on drinking to their victory with the others after cleaning themselves up. Illiamer smiled, seeing how carefree they walked through the city, laughing and making plans for the evening. Minthara, who walked beside her, still kept silent.
When they walked into the tavern the others were already waiting for them and greeted them with a kindness that was so very unusual for Illiamer, and probably Minthara as well. Karlach had already run up the stairs to get rid of the blood as quickly as possible. Minthara went to follow her, less enthusiastically. Illiamer was a bit worried about her and the thought of them having to sleep in the same room with a bunch of drunk and loud people wasn’t very appealing.
„Min, wait for me, will you.“, she had touched her elbow briefly to get her attention, before heading off to the barkeep. She returned a minute later.
„Pack your things. I asked about the spare room of the late duke. After we investigated the murder they cleaned the room. And I just paid for it for the next day so we can have some rest.“
Illiamer wasn’t unsure of her decision to rent the room. She was, however, unsure if Minthara would want her there. The sole reason for her decision was, that she knew the paladin needed some rest and time alone.
Their relationship had been… difficult so far. May it be because Minthara didn’t remember most of their time together, or that Illiamer had been resurrect on a random evening when the group headed from Moonrise Towers towards Baldur’s gate. They had reconnected a bit, and on most nights they had shared a tent, if only because Illiamer didn’t have one of her own. But sleeping next to each other felt different from when they were young. Well, she still was young, missing one and a half centuries because she had died by her lovers hands. A lover who had changed a lot in these onehundred-fifty years.
Minthara had always been proud, and serious, cold even, but it had been easy to crack that shell and find a beautiful, loyal soul beneath. Now it was impossible to see through her mask and find a way to get behind her steel walls; her icy demeanour. Oh, but how Illiamer wished to see her laugh again, whole heartedly. How she wished that Minthara would take a seat in her lap to find comfort in her arms, allowing herself to let down her guard and be vulnerable.
She knew that Minthara had suffered while she had been controlled by Orin and the Elderbrain. She sometimes felt her shaking, saw her staring into nothingness and heard her whimpering in her sleep. The closer they got to actually facing Orin, the worse and shorter Mintharas trance had become. She had stayed up, sharpening her sword, keeping watch or reading. It was close to a miracle that she hadn’t collapsed from exhaustion. Some well needed rest was in order. No trance, real sleep. Eight hours at least. That’s why Illiamer had asked about the spare room she now entered. She had already rid herself of her armor when Minthara entered the room, closing the door behind her.
The tub had been filled with hot water while they had gathered their things from the other room. It smelled faintly of surface flowers. Illiamer threw her stuff right to the floor next to the bed, while Minthara put her bag on a chair. She was still holding onto that dagger that was glistening in the light of the few candles that lit the room. They wouldn’t need the additional light so Illiamer put them out with a small gesture of her hand.
„We should get rid of all the dirt. My hair feels stiff with all the blood.“, she walked over to Minthara, „Hand me that dagger, will you?“, but Minthara didn’t give it to her. But she also didn’t hold onto it when Illiamer gently took it from her hands and put it down on a table. When she turned back to Minthara she gently took her face into her hands and kissed her blood smeared forehead.
„I will take off your armor now, so we can both take a bath.“, Illaimer whispered. The soft spoken words, the gentle, familiar sounds of their mother tongue made Minthara close her eyes. She nodded and Illiamer started to unbuckle the countless straps that held the heavy plate armor in place. One by one the heavy metal pieces were taken off and carefully placed down on the floor. She kept undressing her, slowly but with consistent confidence and soon all the layers came off, leaving Minthara naked. But she wasn’t uncomfortable…well, not less comfortable than before.
Illiamer could see all the dark marks where the heavy armor had rested. Having to carry that weight for days had blemished her skin. A few dark purple marks reminded them of the battles they had fought the last days.
„Go, I will join you in a second.“, Illiamer said, tending to her own clothing. When Minthara turned around to walk towards the tub, Illiamer could see the countless scars that unholy Shapeshifter, that monster of a woman had left on her. Countless nailmarks, scratching and puncturing, left little room for interpretation as to what Orin had done to her. Minthara didn’t talk about it, but Illiamer knew. From the scars and from that look on her face. From the way she looked at her with her big, red eyes.
Minthara took a seat in the bathtub and Illiamer was happy to hear the small sigh of relief that left the Paladins lips. Minthara had pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head on them. When Illiamer got rid of her own clothing she joined Minthara in the too small tub. She positioned herself, so that Minthara sat between her legs and they faced each other. The water was pleasantly warm and soothed her aching muscles.
„Let me take your hair down.“, she said, reaching for Mintharas bun, pulling out pin after pin, until it fell down her back. The way the bun had been wrapped had protected most of her hair from the blood and grime.
While Illiamer combed through the soft waves she kept talking to Minthara, who didn’t answer. She just kept staring right through Illiamer.
„Your thoughts are wandering. Tell me where they are going.“
It took some time for her to answer but she finally lifted her head from her knees and looked at Illiamer: „Do you remember what I told Karlach after Gortash died? I didn’t understand why she didn’t feel better after she killed him. But now…“
„It was not enough for you either… to see her die.“
„No. I do not know what I expected, but I certainly expected to feel better. More relived.“
„Are you still afraid?“
„No and I am glad that I do not have to fear her anymore.“, Minthara took a deep breath and sat up a bit straighter, as best as she could in the tiny tub, „But we still have a war to fight. Let us clean ourselves and then rest. I can take watch first.“
Illiamer took down her own hair. It fell down in long, silky but crusted strands. Maybe she should cut it.
„You will not take watch. Gortash and Orin are dead, we are in a guarded tavern and our companions sleep in the next room. There is no need to take watch. You will sleep. Now turn around for me, will you?“
And Minthara did as she was asked. She looked up at the ceiling when Illiamer took a little cup to wet her hair.
„We should still be cautious.“
„Yes, but not tonight. Especially you should rest. I am surprised you are still standing, considering how tired you probably are.“, she grabbed a bar of soap to finally get Mintharas hair from red to white again.
„I am not tired. I am well rested. Enough so to fight the chosen of a god, as you may have seen.“
„You might be entering trance,“, she started to wash out all the soap, „but you do not rest. I can hear you mumbling things in your sleep and I can feel you shaking next to me. Gods, Minthara you are so tense,“ she kissed her shoulder, feeling the tension in her muscles, making them rock hard, „it is a miracle that you can still wield a weapon that smoothly.“
„It will be even more smoothly now that Orin is dead. Now we can focus on the greater task ahead. I will ask Astarion to head out after our trance. We should investigate the city ruins in the sewers, we could-“
Illiamer grabbed a bit of, now clean, hair and carefully pulled Mintharas head back: „Stop it now. We can take our time and get real sleep. We certainly earned it.“
Minthara fully turned around again, knees still up so she would take up as little space as possible. Illiamer had noticed that a few times before; how she sometimes avoided touching her. Sometimes she flinched when she put a hand on her shoulder or touched her hand on accident. Minthara was on edge every second of the day, so tense in mind and body. Now she looked at her, frowning, as always, the little crease between her eyebrows showing her frustration.
„We have a war to fight, and all you want to do is rest and sleep. Every second we sit here and talk, the elderbrain grows it’s power. We have to act as soon as possible.“
A little water spattered on Illiamer when Minthara started to talk with her hands. Wet strands of white hair were clinging to her face.
„Listen, princess, this is not a race. We have to plan and plot how we will go about this. Why can you not just calm down?“, Illiamer sat up a bit straighter, getting ready for the argument that was about to happen.
„I am calm! I am just alert. There is a difference.“, she stood up, water trickling down her body, some spots still covered in blood. She was fleeing the conversation instead of confronting Illiamer. Something she usually wouldn’t do. Odd. „I will seek out Astarion to tell him of my plans. You may come with us when morning comes or you can rest, as you so much desire.“
She was about to step out of the tub when Illiamer reached for her hand, and again, Minthara flinched at her touch.
„Come back here! You will not go to Astarion now. Sit down. You act like a child that can not keep still.“
Illiamer did not expect it, but Minthara did sit down. Illiamer could see the goosebumps on her skin. The paladin grabbed a sponge and started to scrub her skin.
„Do not insult me like that.“
„It was not my intention to insult you. I merely try to understand what it is that keeps you up and moving. I know it has not been easy, this thing that we have, what we had, but it is almost like you are trying to flee from me. Am I making you uncomfortable?“
Minthara had stopped to vigorously scrub at her skin and looked up at Illiamer.
„You do not make me uncomfortable. Sometimes I do not feel good, knowing that you remember so much more about us than I do. But that is not what this is about.“, she sighed and leaned back, „Everyone is drinking and celebrating, acting like our mission is finished. But our time is running out and I feel like they all ignore the threat that is still out there, only to get really drunk and find someone to warm their bed for the night. We need to act or else we will become mindflayers before we know it.“
Illiamer was watching Minthara closely. Watched how she avoided to look at her, how her breathing was heavy. She almost looked frantic, how she squeezed the sponge between her hands and how she already sat up again, ready to jump out of the tub if the need arises.
„You are fleeing. Not from me, but from yourself. And do not try to lie to me.“
„I am not running from myself, this is ridiculous.“
„You can not stand it, to be resting, all alone with your thoughts. What is bothering you?“
Oh, how right she was. The way Minthara looked at her, it told her everything she needed to know. She could see the anger in her paladins eyes. If Minthara weren’t so bone tired in this moment, it would be a stupid move to anger her further.
„Nothing is bothering me. You are seeing things that are not there.“
„Is it because of the tadpole?“
„No.“
„Karlach? Or Lae‘zel?“, she knew that Minthara had taken a liking to both girls.
„No, it’s not them.“
„Then who? Is it me?“
She was about to stand up again, but Illiamer grabbed her arms and held her in place. She wasn’t stupid and knew if Minthara really wanted to, she could easily break the hold she had on her. Minthara knew that too and yet, she stayed put. She put her hands on Illiamers arms in return, almost as if she was holding onto her now.
„This is not about any of you, now stop asking me questions.“
„It is about you,“, Illiamer said and Minthara looked to the side and the former high priestess knew she would rip open a wound with the thing she was about say next. A wound that should heal but would not, and could not close, „This is about Orin.“
Minthara opened her mouth but she said nothing. She only stared into the bath water. But her breath was catching in her throat and her nails dug into Illiamers arms.
Illiamer swiped a few hair strands behind Mintharas ears, taking her face between her hands, stroking her cheekbones with her thumbs „Talk to me and tell what keeps you up.“
She shook her head, still staring into the void.
„Min… tell me what happened.“
„No.“
„I can not keep up with this any longer, Minthara. Tell me what has been going on?“
„It is nothing. I am fine.“, she said now, her voice a whisper and her breath was shaky as she inhaled deeply.
„No you are not. You are not fine and stop lying to me about it. Stop lying to yourself Minthara!“, she grabbed her by the shoulders. Minthara avoided to look at her.
„The last time I have seen you be fine was the morning of the day you killed me! I have been patient with you but you have not been sleeping, and I can feel you shake as we speak. I will not force you to tell me everything but you have to start talking. What happened?“, Illiamer didn’t intend to at first but she had raised her voice at her. Minthara still didn’t look at her. And when she still didn’t say anything, Illiamer put her finger beneath her chin, forcing her to look up at her.
„You fear to show me weakness. But listen to me, Min, believe me when I tell you that I know you. I have seen you weak before, and I see your weakness now. You never had to prove anything to me. But now I beg you to prove your strength to me and tell me what happened so I can carry that burden with you.“
„I do not know.“, she whispered after a few more seconds of silence.
„What?“, Illiamer had to ask again because she hadn’t heard her. Minthara looked up now, her eyes wide. Many emotions laid there, bare for Illiamer to see but she couldn’t make out a single one.
„I do not know! I do not know what happened. I can not remember. I dream of the things that happened beneath moonrise and as soon as I wake I can not grasp them.“
Illiamer sighed and then she leaned forward and kissed Minthara on the forehead. She waited for her to keep talking, to tell her more and she wasn’t disappointed.
„I see the scars she left on my body and I know what she did to make them but I can not remember it actually happen. When I was saved from the influence of the elderbrain they almost killed me. They almost turned me into a mindless thrall.“, her voice had lost all strength and only a whisper remained, „They were so close to achieving their goal…and now I remember so little about my life… about myself. I do remember the things I did in the Absolute’s name and I do not regret anything at all. It was not my choice to do these things. It was not my choice to worship Orin the way I did either and yet…“
Illiamer was sure Minthara wouldn’t say anything else. She was shaking and Illiamer was sure she could hear her heart beating in the silence of their room. She put her hands on Minthara’s arms again and felt her cold skin against her own.
„And yet… I feel like it was my decision, that it somehow is my own fault that I carry these scars.“
„It is not.“
„I know.“, she said and it almost went unnoticed. Tears started to collect in her eyes and she quickly blinked them away.
„I can remember how she was so tender sometimes, how she brushed out my hair“, she scoffed, „which, actually did not do much because it was always covered in blood.“, she reached for her hair and pulled it over her shoulder. It was still wet and sticking to her body.
„She was so curious and she was so young, still a child by our standards. And yet she cut into me relentlessly, laughing like a maniac. Her mind was rotten. She got lost in her lust for blood and pain.“
„What else do you remember, if I may ask you this.“
Minthara was obviously hesitant about answering that question.
„I remember less and less things with each day that passes. Immediately after escaping moonrise a lot of memories came back but now…“
„Not so much?“
„No. A lot of details are missing, things that happened under moonrise, and so many things from my earlier life. It is like a puzzle, that is missing a third of it’s pieces scattered throughout the whole picture. I am missing decades of my life. I barely recognized you when you came back to me.“
Despite the serious topic Illiamer couldn’t help but smile about how Minthara chose to phrase the last few words. She did come back to her. When Minthara screamed for Lolth in fear, seconds before the tadpole was put in her head, the spiderqueen had ignored her. But Illiamer, whose soul was held in the clutches of the spiderbitch, had heard her. And she had clawed her way free while screaming at the bone man to get her back. And now here she was, sitting in a bathtub in a tavern, looking at an older version of the woman she had loved so deeply.
„I am glad you did recognize me.“, she lifted her hand to Minthara’s cheek again, „And I will not leave you again.“ Minthara leaned into her touch but she didn’t say anything else.
„If you want to keep talking, I will listen.“
She shook her head: „Not tonight, but thank you.“, she turned around again, unprompted. And, still sitting between her legs, she leaned back against Illiamer. Long arms wrapped around her, pulling her in closer. Illiamer kissed the tip of her ear which made Minthara shudder. Illiamer grinned.
„Some things do not seem to change, do they?“, she smiled against her wet hair.
„It seems so“, the Paladin answered, laying her head back against her shoulder. They stayed like that for some time, enjoying the silence.
„You know,“, Illiamer only whispered, not wanting to ruin the calm moment, „if you want, I might be able to retrieve your memories. Maybe not all of them, but with enough time and healing magic…“
Minthara turned her head slightly and looked up at her: „You think that might be possible?“
„I have never done it before, but why should we not try it? Would you like me to try?“
„Yes!“, the answer came immediately and unusually enthusiastic for her. She sat up, turning around to face Illiamer once more.
„You have to remember, those memories might not all be good.“
„I know, but I want it all.“, she looked Illiamer up and down and smiled. And gods, what a sight she made, now, that some of the tension left her, „But first we have to get all that blood out of your hair. We would not want to stain the bedsheets.“
So Illiamer got to work, finally caring for herself, and while she did, she asked her Paladin if she wanted to start today, with healing her mind.
„No, not today. Today… we should rest.“
„Oh, really?“, a cocky smile grew on her face, „I am glad you think so.” And she really was genuinely happy that Minthara had changed her mind.
They got out of the water, that was slowly getting cold and wrapped up in the robes that hung from the paravent, that separated the bathtub from the rest of the room. When Illiamer thought she was dry enough she braided her still damp hair, before discarding her robe to the floor. She climbed into bed and messed up the pillows and the bedsheets until they were sufficiently comfortable. Then she lifted the blanket up, patting the bed next to her, asking Minthara to join her. Her hair was quickly braided as well to avoid getting it all tangled up, and then she joined Illiamer under the thick covers. She was still shaking a little from the cold air outside the bed and Illiamer gasped when Minthara put a hand on her waist.
„Gods, your hands are so cold.“
„Let me warm them then.”
“But not on me! I should really retrieve your memories right now, if just to show you how much respect you held for me back then.”
Minthara chuckled before she put her head under Illiamers chin: „Ha! I may not remember much but I do remember a great lack of respect since the day I met you!“
Hearing her laugh made Illiamers heart flutter, like she was falling in love all over again. She pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she was more than happy that Minthara allowed her to wrap her arms around her. Something they hadn’t really done since she had been brought back. She felt so small in her arms without all that armour. So delicate. She knew Minthara was strong and would not break easily. And yet she felt so fragile, how she was still shaking from the cold, how her warm breath hit the skin of her neck and how she felt her heart beat against her own. She placed another kiss on her hair and pulled her in even closer, if that was possible.
„How long do you plan on resting.“
„As long as my mind let‘s me.“, they could now hear a few of their companions coming up the stairs and they were audibly drunk. Both drow women laughed at hearing their shouting, followed by them hushing each other. Then the house fell silent again. Illiamer listened to Mintharas breathing, calm and even, for now.
„May I kiss you again?“, she whispered into Mintharas hair. She was hesitant about asking. It had been weeks since she had kissed the paladins lips, just after coming back to life. She didn’t want to pressure her into anything, since Minthara didn’t remember them that well.
Minthara looked up at her and kissed her chin, not being able to reach any other part of her from her position. Then she smiled knowingly: „You do not have to ask permission for that.“ and she stretched up a little to put her lips on Illiamers. They both relished in this so strange and yet so familiar feeling. They stayed like that for some time until they decided it was finally time to get some well earned rest.