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Emily was numb. Staring at the church in front of her, contemplating whether any of this would’ve happened had Matthew not taken her side all those years ago. Had he not put her in front of the church, his family, the community. Perhaps then he wouldn’t have needed the drugs, which served as his only real escape from the lifelong punishment of that crime. Perhaps he would still be alive. She was well aware that she shouldn’t blame herself, and Rossi was desperate in his efforts to convince her of that. But guilt was gnawing its way through her throat, scratching her eyes till they stung. Because she did play a role in his narrative, a large one. And maybe there would always be a part of herself she could never forgive. Steadying her breath, she shifted her focus to the photo in her hand, of three smiling fifteen year-olds, arms linked around one another, minds only focused on the next act of rebellion to perform. A drop of blood trickled onto the bottom of the picture, and she wiped her nose in annoyance, which only smeared the blood across her coat sleeve. Sighing, she carefully slid the photo back into her pocket and hailed a nearby cab.
Still lost in her thoughts as she handed the driver a twenty, she didn’t notice the blonde perched on her apartment steps until she was only a few feet away. Emily felt herself smile, the action feeling somewhat foreign after the events of the past few days. JJ sat up, gently brushing away the light dusting of snow that covered her from head to toe. Burying her hands into her black trench, she held a knowing smirk, waiting for Emily to voice her first protest.
“Please tell me you haven’t been sitting here all night,” Emily chuckled as she approached.
“Don’t worry, it hasn’t been too long.” JJ flashed a reassuring smile. She scrunched her eyebrows suddenly. “At least I think…,” she drawled out as she pulled out her fingers, wiggling them in contemplation. “Yup, no frostbite. We’re good,” she decided, looking back up with a dopey grin.
Emily rolled her eyes at her friend’s antics. “JJ, I appreciate you coming, but really, a text would’ve sufficed.” She hopped up the last few steps and faced her, placing frozen hands gently on the liaison's forearms. With flecks of snow dotting her light hair and a slightly pink nose, JJ looked...angelic. Prentiss, she warned herself before shaking the thought out of her mind.
JJ tilted her head slightly, studying the brunette for a few seconds. She had noticed the pain in Emily’s eyes from the moment they took the case, but now she could sense a few other emotions swirling around. She didn’t miss the brief flash of endearment on display before it disappeared just as quickly. There was very little the profiler chose to reveal about herself, but JJ liked to think she could read her better than most. And she knew Prentiss was far too stubborn to ever ask for help, even as she was drowning in sorrow. She bit back a sarcastic response and instead replied softly, “Guess I just wanted the company.”
Emily stared into the bright blue orbs before her, frustrated at how well the younger agent could anticipate her thoughts. “Fine, you win,” she sighed with another eye roll, too exhausted to exchange verbal punches. Before she could take another step, though, she was pulled into the other woman’s arms, an embrace so characteristically Jennifer Jareau with its tenderness. Emily let herself be calmed by the subtle, clean scent that even after two years sharing hotel rooms, she couldn’t quite place - perfume, shampoo, body wash? Cheek to cheek, chin on shoulder, she watched as snowflakes swayed soothingly with the breeze.
“I’m proud of you,” JJ stated simply, hands drawing comforting strokes across Emily’s back. Emily felt her eyes prickle and tightened her grip, savoring this one moment of respite before her mind began its inevitable spiral of self loathing. The blonde was the closest thing to a best friend she had, and she didn’t have the words to thank her for this, the ability to block out the horrors of the world with a simple touch.
JJ finally stepped back and followed Emily into the building, continuing to watch her with worried eyes. They silently ascended the two flights of stairs to her apartment. And despite the change to a significantly warmer interior, both shivered as they entered, huddling deeper into their coats. JJ slipped off her sneakers and headed straight to the hallway bathroom, popping out a second later, tissue box in hand. Emily let out a half-hearted chuckle as she accepted, just now remembering the dried blood on her face. JJ simply sported an amused smile.
“How about you freshen up, and I’ll put on some tea,” she offered casually, with that same little tilt of her head paired with hopeful wide eyes. And sure, she did this for a living, gathering information, even while appeasing distraught family members. But Emily always felt that the kindness came naturally to Jennifer, less of an art form and more of a desire to soothe others on their worst days. Even now, it was achingly beautiful to see.
Emily nodded and began unbuttoning her coat. “I still have that Belgian hot chocolate mix you like,” she replied, gesturing toward one of the top cabinets.
“Oh my god!” JJ gushed, nearly slipping as she hurried into the kitchen on their left. “This is why you, Emily Prentiss, are my favorite person.”
Emily’s heart skipped a beat at that, even knowing it was just a jab of affection, no different than the off-handed compliments from Garcia. But it wasn’t Garcia who was here taking care of her, who drove out in the chilling wind and snow after an exhausting case, showering her with a love that felt instinctual. That’s just who JJ was, really. And Emily knew she was undeserving.
After heading upstairs, showering quickly to scrub the grime off her body, she plopped down on her bed and pulled out her phone to update the others that she was okay. She couldn’t help but laugh at the whopping number of missed calls from JJ, who somehow managed to outdo the rest of the team combined. She barely registered the moisture forming in her eyes as she read through her text thread.
JJ: Hey, you okay?
JJ: I don’t wanna intrude, but I see that this case hit home, and I want to make sure you’re okay, that’s all
JJ: Just a sign that you’re alive :)
JJ: Em talk to me, don’t go quiet
JJ: Rossi told me you went for a walk an hour ago
JJ: I’m coming over okay? Don’t be mad
Setting two steaming mugs down on the coffee table, JJ unbuttoned her cuffs and rolled up the sleeves. She took the liberty of turning on the electric fireplace, immediately warmed by its orange glow. It didn’t have that characteristic crackling of her Allegheny fireplace, but it felt very Emily, and that alone was comforting. She wasn’t one for upscale luxuries, mostly because she couldn’t afford them, but Emily’s apartment was all about abundance, always stocked with extra towels and soaps and silverware, as if she were just hoping people would come by to use them. JJ could imagine team dinners here and Superbowl Sundays filled with laughter…if only the brunette would stop keeping them at an arm’s length. Stretching her sore neck, she wrapped herself in an exquisitely soft throw blanket and settled herself on the patterned rug, leaning back against the couch. She felt her phone buzz, and fishing it out, she was surprised to see a text from Emily.
Emily: Thank you. So much.
JJ felt the corners of her mouth turn upward. She could feel the emotion in those four words, a surge of affection for her colleague nesting in her chest. She wondered what had happened between her and Matthew, and definitely wanted to know how his parents considered Emily, of all people, a bad influence. There was a lot she didn’t know, including Emily’s previous career, which was most decidedly not an FBI desk job in Chicago, as she had determined during the Hankel case. And the fact that Garcia’s multiple, not-fully-legal background searches had turned up absolutely nothing…it made her guess CIA, or NSA even, with how carefully guarded the profiler always acted. There was a traumatic past there, one she so desperately tried to block out, and apparently there was more to the puzzle than she originally thought. But Emily the rebellious teenager? She chuckled at the image just as the woman in question made her way back downstairs.
“I texted everyone that I’m alive and well,” she commented with a grin, now dressed in a navy blue tee and black sweats. She tossed over a change of clothes to her friend, who clutched them to her chest in gratitude before standing up to change. “Well, as well as I can be,” she added as an afterthought, a little distracted by the cozy set up the younger agent had created for them.
“Yeah yeah, trust me, you’re not fooling anyone,” JJ called back from the hall bathroom, door slightly ajar. “They text me for any real updates.”
Emily plopped down next to JJ’s spot on the rug with a warm buzzing in her chest. Maybe this was how people felt all the time, knowing that they had a family that cared so deeply. Because your family simply knew you and your quirks, and it wasn’t the kind of profiling she was used to - it was natural, subconscious. Curling her fingers around one of the mugs, she finally felt the toll of the day, bones aching, but heart decidedly full. Sighing as she took in the decadent aroma of silk chocolate, she caught the tail end of the other agent’s mumbled rant as her phone buzzed incessantly against the counter.
“…and I love Derek, but god does he really need to send every thought as an individual text??”
She stepped out of the bathroom, then, the oversized beige sleep shirt neatly tucked in the band of her sweatpants, which were rolled up a few times, sitting right below her hips. They were similar in size, but Emily could hardly recognize her clothes on the other woman, who had the leaner, more athletic build of the two of them. She gazed on with a mixture of admiration and fondness, before JJ caught her staring and made a face.
“Oh shut up, I did the best I could, considering you wear your clothes three sizes too large,” she retorted with mock annoyance.
Emily let out a small chuckle and shrugged. “To be fair, you’re the only other person who wears them, and you look better in them than I do.”
JJ’s heart swelled at that, and as she sat back down next to Emily, she felt an urge to lean over and press her lips against the brunette. Instead, she reached up and fingered a dark, wavy strand. “I like your hair like this, all beach wavy. It’s cute.”
Emily prayed JJ didn’t notice the blush that crept up her neck. “Thank you,” she muttered, before hiding her face in the mug.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, soaking in the warm presence of each other’s company after the crazy events of the day. Neither really knew how to tactfully address the elephant in the room, but JJ wanted to give her the time she needed.
Finally, Emily’s tentative voice broke the quiet. “I was fifteen. I never had a real home, you know, just dragged from country to country, wherever my mother happened to be stationed. This time, we were in Rome, and that’s where I met John and Matt. The three of us, we...we were a trio.”
Emily’s voice wavered slightly, and her eyes were clouded, betraying a deep sense of guilt and regret. JJ was reminded of their earlier conversation about Matthew’s parents, who seemed convinced without a doubt that their son had harbored an evil spirit. She started to put two and two together as the next words were choked out in a whisper.
“I didn’t know who I was then. I just wanted to feel like a normal teenager for once. So John and I….we were just fooling around...and before I knew it I was pregnant. The church wouldn’t allow an abortion, but I couldn’t keep the baby, and Matthew knew that.” Two tears rolled out quickly, and she made no effort to wipe them. She cleared her throat before speaking again. “He took me to the doctor’s appointment, and that was the day the church turned its back on us.”
JJ’s hand had found its way to Emily’s forearm, tracing soothing circles with her thumb. “Oh, Em, you didn’t deserve that,” she whispered back, her own tears threatening to fall over. She sensed that Emily wasn’t finished, so she simply placed her head on her shoulder and waited.
“I loved him, Jayje,” she croaked out, tears freely falling now. “I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. He showed me that I was worthy, and now he’s gone because of some sick people who use religion to…” She gave up on speaking as the sobs overtook her, shaking her, leaving her gasping for air. She was vaguely aware of a soothing voice and felt comforted by the arms wrapped around her stomach, blonde strands tickling the crook of her neck.
She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but eventually her tear ducts dried. Her senses slowly became hyper aware of the woman holding her tightly. JJ’s delicate fingers gently stroked against her side, that clean scent again wafting over her.
“Anyone deserving of your love must be pretty great,” she commented quietly. Emily felt her right shoulder dampen, and she looked down in surprise to meet JJ’s red-rimmed eyes. Her chest tightened at the sight. She quickly swiped her thumbs across the other agent’s cheeks.
“Hey now, don’t steal my spotlight. Only I get to cry today, okay?” she warned playfully, her voice still thick with emotion.
JJ didn’t respond. She kept her arms securely fastened around Emily, leaning her head back down, surprised at how oddly comfortable the position felt. “I’ll always be here, Em. You just have to let me in.”
Emily was startled at the younger agent’s honesty. She was painfully aware of the fact that she pushed the blonde away whenever she felt her mask sliding. There was simply too much despair, too many truths kept hidden to allow for any type of intimacy, and there was too much goodness in Jennifer that she couldn’t bear to ruin. Yet somehow, the liaison had wrestled herself past her walls, well beyond anyone had ever stepped before. She didn’t understand what drove the woman to care so deeply about her when there were so many people out there, open books equally overflowing with love to share.
The liaison unwrapped herself from Emily and instead, gently placed a hand over her wrist, mindlessly caressing it, as she found the courage to ask what she’s always wanted to ask. “What are you so afraid of?”
The question took her by surprise, and she took a few moments to collect herself before deciding on a vague answer. “There are some things about me that you just can’t know, and part of me hopes you’ll never really know.” She stared at the fireplace, unable to meet JJ’s gaze, feeling exposed, as if she were about to snap any minute. Throat constricting at the tender touch by her wrist.
The younger agent craned her head carefully, studying the steely brown eyes she had always found alluring. “Well, I’d imagine working in intelligence isn’t for the faint of heart.” She caught the moment of panic that shot through her, tensing her jaw before it relaxed almost as quickly. She had guessed right then. JJ continued, waiting a few heartbeats, “Do you really think I’d be here if I cared about that?”
“Jayje…” Emily trailed off, not trusting her voice. She wasn’t sure what was more shocking - the fact that JJ knew about her background or that she seemed so unbothered by it. As if it was simply another fact about her, like her favorite flavor of ice cream. She turned her head to stare open-mouthed at the woman next to her, wondering how much else she had deduced.
“I know you. You are brave and kind and observant and incredible,” JJ insisted, her tone almost pleading. As she felt Emily’s pulse quicken under her thumb, she was emboldened to continue. “There is nothing you can tell me that would-”
“You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about,” Emily snapped back, her frustration boiling to a breaking point.
The words hung in the air for several seconds, a sharp zap against the gentle orange lighting. She shut her eyes in immediate regret, not prepared to see the look of betrayal on JJ’s face. Hearing a scoff, she reluctantly looked back up. Jennifer’s eyes were ablaze with anger, glowing in a way she’d never seen. It was terrifying, yet captivating nonetheless.
“What, you’ve killed people Emily? So have I,” JJ spat back. Jaw tightly set, back straightened. “You’ve lied to your loved ones? So have I. You have trust issues? So. Do. I.”
Emily just stared on in disbelief, as JJ paused, breathing deeply through her nose, attempting to regain her composure, but failing. “You feel like you are broken inside, and there’s no one who can even understand you, let alone fix you??” She let her words sink in before scoffing again and standing up. “I’m sorry I gave a damn.”
She swiftly strode over to the front door and slipped on her shoes and coat, letting the door slam behind her and leaving Emily speechless, filled with guilt and ache and awe.
JJ let her forehead rest on the steering wheel after wrestling herself inside her SUV, heat cranked up but doing little to mitigate the winter chill. The snow had picked up over the past hour, covering her car in a thick two-inch layer. She absolutely did not have the energy to clean off her entire vehicle, only to be chugging at ten below the speed limit on unplowed roads. She also wasn’t particularly eager to return to her friend’s apartment, tail between her legs for having stormed out. It was rare that she let her temper show, and she cursed herself for acting so emotionally when Emily had just experienced one of the worst days of her life. But it had been months, no, years at this point. The two of them doing this dance, of spilling confessions in musty hotel rooms and having unspoken conversations across the bullpen. And then pretending as if it were all a simple consequence of friendship, as if it wasn’t the most exhilarating thing to be seen by someone whose dark clouds mirrored your own, whose sunshine gave you wings.
“Fuck me,” she muttered, feeling more guilt-laden with every second that passed. Taking a long breath, she stepped back out of her car and shivered as she jogged back across the parking lot.
Gathering whatever fortitude she had left, she gently opened the apartment door, unsure of how carefully she should tread, or if her presence was even welcome anymore. She didn’t spot Emily on the first floor, but could hear the familiar lilts of her voice on the phone somewhere upstairs. Shrugging out of her coat and sneakers once more, she realized with a touch of embarrassment she was still in Emily’s clothes.
“Em?” she called out, picking up the half empty mugs from the coffee table and moving them to the kitchen. In an instant, Emily came into view, halfway down the steps, the relief pouring out in her smile.
“Nevermind Garcia, she just walked back in. Thanks though,” she said, taking quick strides to JJ, who was now stationed by the sink, rinsing out the mugs and wiping her hands on a dish towel. Emily hesitated for a moment, leaning against the counter, but when she caught sight of the open apology splayed across JJ’s features, she took the final two steps to close the distance and wrapped her arms around her securely. She nuzzled her cheek against slightly damp, snow-flecked hair for a few seconds until she felt the vibrations of JJ’s laugh.
“It’s dry shampoo,” she whispered conspiratorially, grinning wider when Emily pulled back to look at her. “The scent you like - it’s my dry shampoo. I literally can’t keep a consistent hair washing schedule with this job.”
Emily blushed lightly and shook her head, still stunned that she was this predictable. “Well, Jayje it’s…very you,” she replied a little awkwardly, stepping back and fidgeting a bit with the bottom of her shirt. “I’m glad you didn’t try driving home.”
JJ shot her a look of fondness, eyes crinkled with a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. Emily knew it well. It was one that sent her heart racing, an expression she pictured in her dreams.
“Em, I’m really-”
“No, stop. I’m sorry that I’m a stubborn ass hat,” Emily interrupted. She felt that tightness in her chest once more as JJ stepped closer, amusement written across her gaze.
“Stubborn ass hat, huh?”
Emily nodded, now hyper focused on their proximity. “I don’t really know how to act around you sometimes,” she admitted in a barely audible voice.
“And why’s that?” JJ implored softly, within just a few inches of the other agent. She hoped she wasn’t being too bold, but Emily’s eyes seemed to convey a sense of…longing, almost.
“Because you know me better than myself, I guess,” came the whispered response. Brown orbs speaking volumes with their depths. “And you amaze me. Challenge me. Pretend not to laugh at my nosebleeds.” Emily placed her hands on the blonde’s waist, heart stumbling upon hearing JJ’s airy laugh.
“Kiss me already, Prentiss,” she teased before Emily captured her in a tender kiss, savoring the feel of JJ’s delicate fingers cradling her jaw, the smile she felt against her lips. Gently guiding the other agent backwards until she was pressed up against the fridge, she deepened the kiss, feeling drunk on the adrenaline before JJ pushed their foreheads together. “I was getting tired of dropping hints,” she huffed out.
“Stubborn ass hat,” Emily mumbled back before smoothing back stray golden wisps, admiring her favorite face in her beige sleep shirt that was indeed three sizes too large. And as that warm feeling settled once again in her chest, she finally recognized it as love.