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Her hands tighten around the red baseball cap, wringing it to the left and then after to the right. Her neck cranes and her eyes sweep across the moving crowd and its various faces; some excited and bouncing, others stressed and confused, none as intoxicating as the one she’s looking for. She flicks the hat out to her side, beats it twice against her leg and then resumes her twisting.
Maybe she changed her mind.
Carol heightens to her tiptoes and then, just enough to get away with it, levitates for a better vantage point. Even from this new perspective she finds nothing and the revelation puts her back on her feet with a twist in her gut to match the twist, and now slight tearing, she’s doing to the cap.
Not coming.
Again, she flicks the cap out to her side, beats it against her leg. Once…twice-
A stutter in rhythm followed by an immediate pick up as she starts walking forward. The cap excitedly beats against her leg until Carol pulls it down on her head in order for her hands to be free as her arms finally wrap around Maria Rambeau. Unprompted, a laugh spills from Carol’s lips as she holds her and brings her in tighter. Maria’s own arms encircle Carol’s waist and one hand gives a good natured rub and pat to her back.
“Hi,” Carol laughs and squeezes even more. “Hi,” she repeats on a breath and closes her eyes.
Carol hasn’t seen Maria in six years, her last visit being three years after her initial return home.
Carol had made a stealthy entrance into the Rambeau home late one night to find Maria asleep upstairs. After a few gentle coaxes, Maria had shot awake, surprised at finding someone in her room but the panic quickly reformed into relief upon realizing it was Carol. It was a relief that propelled her out of bed and into Carol’s arms without caution and Carol wouldn’t have minded it so much if she felt she deserved it. But she held on until Maria pulled back, embarrassed at her involuntary reaction.
“You’re back,” Maria had breathed with a smile as she clicked on a nearby lamp. “I can’t tell you how long-” Maria turned from the lamp and in the new glow of the bedroom faced Carol’s distress. Carol had tried to hold a brave face but the effect of holding Maria, seeing Maria, breathing in Maria while knowing in the same moment that she’d have to abandon it all knocked her right over the edge.
“I messed up,” her tearful whisper answered every question and broke every promise.
Somehow, after bringing about another disaster in Maria’s life, Maria had laid out a plan to keep Carol in it: Visits planned down to the second, calls that couldn’t be ignored because they would only come once every few weeks, and, surprising of all to Carol, not telling Monica.
When Carol had confessed that she couldn’t face the girl she thought that would be the end of the connection to her family. When Maria had suggested cutting the child out of the equation entirely Carol silently scolded herself for the relief, maybe even joy, that it brought her. Just as she saw Maria do the same.
This was a selfishness neither of them had ever thought to feed. It was terrifying that the meal satisfied them anyway.
Carol turns her head into Maria’s neck for a second before the woman, though gently and without any underlying menace, shoves Carol off of her. Carol, jarred, looks up at Maria ready to fire off apologies quickly followed by questions but remains silent at the sight of Maria’s smile and waving of tickets. “Let’s get in there, huh?”
“Uh,” Carol starts as Maria nods her head towards the stadium and starts to walk, “yeah. Yeah!” Carol falls into step beside her and returns her smile. “You said I’m a fan of all this?” Their tickets are verified at the gate and they continue under a large arch.
“Biggest one I’ve ever known. I myself don’t keep up with baseball, not my sport, but when the Red Sox were playing,” Maria shakes her head and lets out a long note of amusement, “I knew I had better sit down and shut up.”
Carol laughs as they get to a concession line. She looks up at the board listing items for purchase. Popcorn and hotdogs, nachos and sodas. She wonders what she would normally order. “Well,” she says as her mind decides on nachos supreme and a Coca-Cola, “I don’t want you to shut up this time. I’ll probably need a refresher on the rules.”
Maria snorts and turns to Carol with a slow shake of her head. “Oh, I don’t think so for a second Miss ‘you’ll pick it up as you watch,’” Maria finishes in a mimicry of Carol. “You’re gonna sit there and suffer just like you had me doing.”
“You would repeat my own mistakes as a means of punishment?!”
“Hush up,” Maria chuckles and shoulders Carol’s side. Carol laughs and bumps Maria right back. Maria returns her attention to the menu and Carol gives her attention to Maria’s hand, dangling lonely, in Carol’s opinion, at her side. Carol smiles to herself and slides her palm against Maria’s. The contact lasts no more than a blink as Maria clears her throat and crosses her arms over her chest. “Nachos supreme and a Coke?” Maria looks away from the menu and smiles at Carol. “Just a guess.”
Whatever disappointment that might’ve passed over her at missing Maria’s hand washes away with the realization that she still knows herself…and the giddiness that Maria knows her just as well.
With their concessions in hand and their seats secured, Carol lets herself give in to the atmosphere surrounding her. Smells and sounds and buzzes mix together over the shared outdoor space and whenever her head swivels to the left or the right she’s met with a new view; Children are held up by parents, snacks are being tossed down rows of seats, mascots run to and fro to hype up the crowd. Carol wants to watch it all while also paying attention to the game.
And the game. The game ! At first, Carol didn’t get it. What about men standing around and hitting foul balls all day long used to entice her? What moments from this sport used to captivate her so much that she (allegedly) didn’t want Maria to talk during it? But then a triple play introduces itself to Carol - a hit snatched out of thin air, thrown to second for the out and then whipped to first and Carol, without remember deciding to do so, launches out of her seat to scream her approval and accept high-fives from surrounding fans as the Sox jog towards the dugout.
From that point on she’s far gone. She participates in chants and hollers, she whistles with her fingers in her mouth and waves her cap around when the camera scans the crowd for the perfect fan to put on the jumbotron. She picks up two beers from a walking concession and a bucket of popcorn from another. Every time she catches a glimpse of Maria’s face she’s smiling and shaking her head or rolling her eyes - entertained by Carol and happy that Carol’s entertained.
The Sox are up to bat and the second hit sends a ball flying high and sailing long. Carol sits up in her seat.
“Coming this way,” she gasps and stands up just as many others around her do. Those not interested in the ball throw protective arms over their heads or try to duck under chairs. Carol beams. “I’ve got it.” She steps up on her seat as the ball begins its descent. Around her, gloved hands raise into the air making her bare fingers stick out like a sore. When the baseball slams against her hand the sound of slapped flesh echoes throughout their section, earning her several sympathetic, “Oooohs,” as people imagine the pain.
Carol doesn’t notice and cheers as she holds the ball up which shifts everyone’s drunken moods from concerned to impressed to enthusiastic. Hands pat her good naturedly as she descends from her chair and plops back into her seat. She holds the ball out in front of her with a cocky smile and slouches a little in her chair, showing everyone that accomplishing a feat like this one is actually a fairly easy task.
Carol looks over at Maria who leans on the armrest further from Carol with a sly grin on her face. “Discreet, Danvers.”
“What? Oh,” Carol hisses and shakes out her hand. Maria chuckles and turns her head away from Carol. “Oooh, yeah. I’m gonna feel that one in the morning,” she voices loud enough for any questioning party to hear. She’s met with a few laughs and laughs herself but never takes her eyes off of Maria.
“You’re a trip.”
“Mm,” Carol hums and tosses the ball in the air once before turning it over in her hands and holding it out to Maria. “Yours.”
Maria looks down at the ball and pulls her sunglasses off of her face. “Nah, you earned that.”
“And I want to give it to you.” Carol shakes the ball a little and laughs. “Come on, don’t fight me on a nice gesture.” She smiles to hide her confusion and slight bit of hurt. Why wouldn’t Maria want her gift? Why couldn’t she hold her hand? Why was she not allowed to hug her longer? Maria makes a noise of uncertainty and sneaks a look around at the crowd. Carol does the same to try to clock what threat Maria’s aware of that Carol can’t place. When they both confirm no one seems to give a damn about the two of them, Maria takes the ball from Carol’s hand. Her fingers brush over Carol’s and the seamless movement turns into a jolt as Maria snatches the ball and gives Carol a thankful smile.
Carol tries to read her face but Maria’s looking down at the ball, turning it over and over in her hands. Carol leans forward a little, trying to catch a glimpse of Maria’s eyes but she quickly replaces her shades over them and sits up as she clears her throat.
“Did I do something-”
The crowd erupts and Carol looks back to see a Red Sox player diving for third. When she turns back, Maria’s face is perfect. Not a hint to reveal that anything might’ve been wrong a second before. She smiles and claps her hands. “Good play.”
Carol stares at her but when Maria doesn’t look back Carol slumps against her seat no longer interested in the remaining innings.
The game comes to a close with a Red Sox win and Maria encourages them both to leave the stadium as fast as possible to avoid the crowds. Carol, though happy with the win, still can’t fight off the uneasiness in her stomach that she might have upset Maria. How? Well, it’s Carol. There could be thousands of reasons.
Maria however, stays bright and chatty and animatedly talks about the best plays of the game and moments in the stands as they walk the city streets and eventually land themselves as a sushi spot. It’s here where Carol, taking Maria's good attitude as a sign that maybe she was overthinking, makes another attempt to get closer and reaches for Maria’s hand across the table.
The reaction is the most clear of them yet. Maria snatches her hand back and huffs, “C’mon, Carol,” in an exhausted tone. She returns to her food without another word and Carol’s left unable to get another bite down.
Had she misunderstood their scattered calls over the years? The ones that started out as check-ins but had turned into conversations that had pulled out confessions. The calls that Carol repeated in her head during a hard battle or a long night. The conversations that tickled at the back of her head with their familiar cadences, building an inane need to claw her head open and dig out the forgotten memories. Surely those calls meant what she thought.
Surely, “I love you,” still held the same meaning.
The walk to the hotel is quiet, Carol trails just slightly behind Maria. When they get to their room, the one Maria reserved for them, Carol admonishes herself for feeling disappointment at the sight of two beds.
“Hm.”
“I think I’m gonna shower. Need to,” Maria laughs.
“Sure,” Carol nods and takes a seat on the far bed. Maria goes about gathering her clothes and supplies for the shower and Carol sneaks looks at her. “Uh, hey,” she voices as Maria starts towards the bathroom. “Uhh….” Carol’s heart slams against her chest and her hands wrap tightly around the duvet. She releases the covers in exchange for her red cap and stands up from the bed. “I think I might’ve misinterpreted some things between us.” She wrings the baseball cap and clears her throat. “If I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I think I have, I’m-I’m really sorry.” Maria closes her eyes. “But maybe we could talk out what is and isn’t…expected? Allowed? I don’t know-”
“This is my fault.”
“No. No, are you kidding? I shouldn’t have assumed-”
“No, you….” Maria sighs and sets her bathroom things down on her bed. “You don’t have the context. I totally spaced,” she chuckles and the light sound relaxes Carol a little.
“That’s supposed to be my thing.”
Maria shakes her head and bites her lip to fight back a smile. “Corny, Danvers.”
“Whatever. I’ll stop it when it stops making you smile like that.”
Maria rolls her eyes and chuckles, “Shut up,” and that’s all it takes for Carol to want to be closer again. But she hesitates. Her brain sent the command to propel her forward but her legs locked last minute. She tightens her grip on her cap instead. Maria notices. Her smile slips. “You were always so bold about everything, especially the shit that would get you in trouble. For a while, that was me.”
Carol cocks her head, not understanding.
“Carol, honey,” Maria starts and even with the knowledge that this is a serious moment she wears a kind smile, “you and I, we can’t do all that out there. Holding hands and hanging all over each other it’s…it’s not safe. And that want for physical affection no matter where and when, that’s always been in you. It’s always been risky and I think I forgot that you weren’t being bold today. You were just,” Maria shrugs, “being sweet. Wanting me.”
Maria didn’t say much but Carol still feels like she’s been slammed with a truckload of information. ‘Not safe?’ What’s not safe? Holding her hand? Why? Carol should be allowed to hold Maria’s hand. She’s gone years without it!
Maria must see the questions running across her face because she adds, “I don’t have all the answers. I can only tell you what’s good for us. Can’t do that out there,” she repeats with a shake of her head.
“And in here?” Carol challenges immediately, still itching to close this gap between them. “Can I hold your hand in here? In this room?”
“You can hold my hand here in this room.” As further reassurance, Maria holds out her hand. Carol drops her cap on the floor without considering putting it anywhere else. All she knows is that it was in the way. She slides her palm against Maria’s and wraps her fingers around the outside. She stares at their hands pressed together and marvels at how the one spot of contact manages to spread warmth throughout her entire body. She shifts their hands wanting to try something different and pushes her fingers through each space of Maria’s. She holds on tightly in this new position too. It feels even better. Carol smiles.
“Can I hug you here? For a long time? In this room?”
“You can hug me for a long time here in this room.”
Carol releases Maria’s hand only so she can throw her arms around her body. Maria responds with enthusiasm and laughs into Carol’s hair as the hug tightens on both ends. Carol closes her eyes and turns her head into Maria’s neck.
“I missed you,” Carol whispers and nuzzles closer.
“I miss you all the time,” Maria’s voice cracks in her response and they both try to, somehow, get closer.
Carol has a thousand more questions for what she and Maria can do in this room but for now holding her fulfills so much, heals even more. She can hold Maria in this room for as long as she likes and, while she’s chased remembering for years of her life, she hopes to forget how to let go.