Archive of Our Own

heeseung was desperate, okay? he really needed to get out of his family home or he's gonna lose his fucking mind. his mom recently just got remarried and it's super awkward to be present to witness his forty-something mother be lovey-dovey-yucky with her new husband. heeseung really doesn't have a problem with her remarrying and all but heeseung is twenty-two and the guy is barely thirty and he does not want to call him dad; among other things that changed after the marriage. so, yeah, he moved out. he settled with the first apartment his bank and sponsor (mom) allowed him to while still being a college sophomore: a small studio type apartment which should be more expensive than it is.

he belatedly realizes why the apartment is sold so cheap.

“get the fuck out!” the voice reverberated through the door of the comfort room where he's trying to hide. his back to the door, he keeps quiet with his hand on his mouth and he feels himself tremble. his skin is clammy and the sweat running down his nape is cold and irritable but he thinks if he makes as much as a peep, the ghost that is haunting his newly-purchased unit will find him. heeseung should really learn how to research a place to know if someone died there before or something. regrets.

he's about eighty-one percent sure he's not hallucinating that apparition either because the boy's feet were not touching the floor and he could see through him. and when they both screamed at each other when they first acknowledged each other’s existence (what kind of ghost gets scared of a human?), the walls shook and little furnitures levitated and heeseung got physically thrown back because of the boy's banshee-like screech. the earpiercing sound was drawn out in an inhuman manner, heeseung got spooked so that's how he ended up in the comfort room.

he hears things being thrown about the living room, the ghost must be looking for him. heeseung's eyes are shut tight and he prays ever so sincerely for the first time in his life: if this is how he's gonna die, he hopes his mother doesn't make his stepfather (gag) do an eulogy. or let a funeral parlor do his makeup... he hasn't seen a dead person without cakey makeup. should he have made a last will and testament?

“you're trespassing! i'm calling the police!”

now wait just a damn minute.

it's just so reckless of heeseung to come out of the bathroom, fear completely flushed out of his system. once the bathroom door crashes open, the noises stopped and it's like he's alone again. maybe he just miscalculated his percentages. giving himself the benefit of the doubt (re: gaslighting), he walks into the living room to find that, oh, there really is a ghost in his apartment because the same transparent boy from earlier abruptly hides behind the sofa when he sees the human boy reveal himself from his own hiding. heeseung is not scared of him anymore, not with those eyes wide like a puppy—and he's shaking, too, like a puppy. he looks like a kicked, wet-from-the-rain puppy.

heh, cute ghost boy—

"please leave before i call the authorities for b-breaking and entering!" ghost boy stutters and heeseung stands there unintelligently trying to process what the fuck just happened in the last few minutes and what the fuck is currently happening. he didn't know ghosts could call the police. “what are you standing a-around there for? go! away!” ghost boy yells again. this time, the fake earthquake doesn't bother heeseung. he walks closer to the other, a blank expression on his face as he backs the ghost into a corner. heeseung doesn't think when he says, “wow, you're really small!” said small being whimpered. this has got to be stupidest ghost encounter ever. "i'm—i'm not!" he's floating but he's still smaller than heeseung. heeseung cracks a grin.

“what are you smiling about, i-idiot?” ghost boy scowls, or tries to. there was an attempt.

"okay, first of all, stop trying to look scary, you don't look scary. second, i own this apartment so you are the one trespassing. and third," heeseung thrusts his hand between ghost boy's chest and as expected it goes just right through. "you really are a ghost," he says, still in disbelief.

“ow, that hurt,” ghost boy pouts, patting the spot where heeseung rudely shoved his hand in. heeseung scans the boy over: he's young, maybe around heeseung's age; and he's not an old ghost either, judging from the way he's dressed and those nike air force ones he's got on. the building is relatively new, too. so it doesn't make sense for heeseung why there's a gen z ghost in a new building because he's solely basing ghostmanship (is that even a word?) on movies he's consumed. come to think of it, ghosts of the now could be like this guy right here, all hip and young. weird, he’s used to the idea that ghosts are from the nineteenth century or the nineties. still, heeseung asks, “why are you haunting this place anyway?”

and true to any ghost-related entertainment, two possible things are why heeseung thinks the boy still hangs around here: this was his place of comfort before when he was alive or he got unalived here and is seeking help to bring the killer to justice. ghost boy shrinks into his alabaster-colored skin, “l-like i said, it's my apartment.”

heeseung’s eyebrows meet in the middle, “ghost,” he gestures to the said being. “human,” he says, pointing to himself. he’s babytalking is if the ghost were a baby learning difficult words. “humans own apartments, ghosts don’t.”

ghost boy pouts, scanning the apartment, “but these are my furniture.”

heeseung tilts his head, “you mean the apartment isn't newly-refurbished?” ghost boy shakes his head. so heeseung's apartment is full of some dead guy's things? the online ads with pretty pictures lied! on top of it being haunted!

"now what?" the smaller one asks. contrary to the deafening ruckus earlier, this moment hangs awkwardly around both of them keeping them from throwing arguments at one another. for real, now what? heeseung can’t just cough up another thousands of won just to relocate, his mom would turn him into a ghost herself. and heeseung cannot possibly try to drive out the ghost; exorcising would be too unmerciful, he looks too sweet to be a threat anyway. "i guess you could stick around for a while until you see the light?"

ghost boy purses his lips, not a response to what heeseung just said. does he really plan to stay here forever? though, heeseung only has two years and a half more to complete his education so he might move out of the apartment in the near future, then ghost boy can haunt the apartment to his heart’s content until the earth gets hit by an asteroid marking its end. yeah, if he’s a quiet, non-messy type of roomate(-ish), maybe heeseung can live with him just until graduation.

"i'm heeseung, by the way," heeseung offers his hand towards the transparent figure. “jake,” ghost boy murmurs, actually taking heeseung’s hand in for a handshake but it just passes right through, they both giggle at the realization.

"okay, let's get along."

mundanely, they’ve gone peaceful for the rest of the day; probably because jake is actively avoiding him by staying a distance away from heeseung, as far as he can when they’re in the same room together, but jake stares. as a normal human being, heeseung is mildly creeped out by the fact that a ghost knowingly gapes at him, like jake is counting every step he makes. when he side eyes jake whenever he catches him looking, jake is quick to divert his gaze to somewhere else, feigning to be interested in anything other than heeseung. but of course, he supposes jake is scrutinizing his every move because he still thinks he owns the apartment or jake is waiting for him to slip up so he can scare heeseung away and he’ll take full ownership of the place again. either way, jake staring doesn’t really harm heeseung and the creepy feeling is mostly gone, probably because he notices jake is motionless with those cute puppy eyes that are more curious than threatening.

it has been a long day. from getting all five of his moving boxes inside the apartment, meeting jake, getting used to his ghostly presence, settling in and actually feeling at home, heeseung says today is considered as a success. he is exhausted, so he turns towards the bedroom at still eight in the evening after having celebratory pizza and he is out like a light. tomorrow is still a rest day, he expects a call from his mother tomorrow though. she’d be asking if heeseung was still alive after twenty-four hours of not having her only son under her roof anymore (if that were the case, heeseung and jake would make terrific ghost buddies). other than that, he has no plans for tomorrow and he hopes he can laze around, not having to wake up super early.

newsflash: heeseung wakes up in the middle of the night to find jake beside him on the bed.

he really did not let out a high-pitched scream when he saw the ghost just a few inches away from him, eyes wide open and prying as he watches heeseung sleep. he lept out of bed the very instant wrapping the blanket on his semi-naked body. he really didn’t scream, please believe him.

“you scared the shit outta me, dude!” heeseung holds the blanket like a lifeline. jake just tilts his head playfully at him, bae suzy flirting smile and all. it would be creepy if he wasn’t cute. wait—

“you drool when you sleep,” jake rolls on his stomach, hands under his chin. heeseung’s saliva gets stuck in his throat when he tries to gulp the sight down. there’s another boy on his bed looking absolutely pretty in this ungodly hour of three in the morning. it would have been a different case altogether if said boy was not dead.

“that’s not the problem here!” heeseung yells, going back to the bed despite jake. jake’s cheeky grin still present, eyeing heeseung as if he can see through the blanket. wait, can he? wrong timing to wear his pikachu boxers and not his big boy plain white calvin kleins. “sorry,” jake snorts, “i’ve been lying down my bed even before you got here so i don’t see what your problem is.” oh, so now jake deliberately has to be in close proximity to heeseung compared to earlier happenings of staring at the other like he’s planning something sinister to unalive heeseung in his sleep.

“go to sleep and don’t stare at me?”

“i don’t sleep.”

“then go lie on the couch and leave me alone.”

“why don’t you sleep on the couch?”

“touché.”

since neither of them are backing down, heeseung and jake just lie side by side silently. he tries and fails not to land his gaze on jake. in heeseung’s defense, he’s pretty… when he’s not being ominous. instead, he focuses on the glow-in-the-dark star stickers pasted on the ceiling, neon greens and yellows and a big white moon, there are also blue letters with j-a-k-e spelled. he’s never noticed that before. probably because he’s never actually visited the place prior moving and signed the lease on a whim. he even lied to his mom that he saw the apartment in person. which may not have been the brightest idea. heeseung glances at jake once more, he’s looking at the stars, too. but his eyes display a little more emotion as he traces the stickers one by one.

like jake, heeseung is trailing his vision as well, though heeseung jumps from jake’s eyes, to his nose, to his lips, to his cheeks, then finally takes it all in, the bigger picture: it would have been a waste if no one treated jake right during his life on earth. bro, he’s fucking gorgeous. heeseung doesn’t stop his words when he asks, “how did you die?” it’s been crawling within heeseung since he met jake earlier. albeit macabre, death is an interesting topic for humans no matter how simple or how brutal the death actually is. heeseung is no exception to the curiosity.

jake rips his attention away from the ceiling, “oh my god, heeseung, you can’t just ask someone how they died,” his unseriousness returns, answer twinkling with mirth. heeseung huffs,  “ah, c’mon, i’m just making conversation.”

“death is small talk to you?”

“what else am i supposed to ask, then?”

“what’s my favorite color? or which café do i frequent?”

heeseung laughs, unrestrained. okay, jake doesn’t like to talk about that but how will heeseung help him cross to the other side if jake wouldn’t even let him in? melinda the ghost whisperer has dealt with ghosts more stubborn than jake so heeseung should probably just have to be patient until jake willingly comes to heeseung by himself. with utmost respect to the dead (lest he be cursed or some shit), heeseung will have to suck it up and adjust to living arrangements with jake. it’ll likely be temporary anyway. jake laughs, too, his shoulders shake from holding it in, making it look like a tiny giggle more than anything else. it’s cute. stop.

“you must have had a life before you were… this, surely.” heeseung says, half-asleep, half-genuine. jake does not respond, heeseung meant for it to be a conversation starter but that failed as well. he’s rather sleepy to talk anyway, even if he’s eager to learn about the first and might be the last ghost friend he has. he waits for sleep to take over him while jake looks like he’s got something on his mind. he wants to ask but he’ll get shut down with a diverting answer or no answer at all so he forgoes that to just keeping quiet with jake.

for a second there, heeseung thinks he’s imagining jake. like he’s a fever dream that had been conjured from the the compiled stress of today’s events, school, his mom remarrying a younger guy (he will take this to his own grave), so he caves in on his mild intrusive thoughts and pokes jake’s temple, earning him a groan, “that hurt. what are you doing?” ghosts can feel when humans touch them, noted.

heeseung shrugs, yawning. yeah, he’ll definitely sleep it off.

👻

they’re watching tv together like real roommates, it’s all they ever do together anyway. as much as heeseung wants to ask jake some questions because, duh, heeseung bites back his tongue because he can feel jake still is wary around him, even if they’ve been living together for almost a week now. despite that, he’s been observing the ghost boy: jake likes things tidy, he has a really keen sense of smell, he’s super bossy; despite being near heeseung’s age, he’s definitely younger, and he might have died not long ago. what gave it away is how jake seems to know the concepts of heeseung’s major, chemistry, even goes as far as bothering heeseung whenever he is studying and telling heeseung he’s wrong on this particular equation and they debate for hours. it’s fun. he finds jake interesting, even as he’s immersed on the show rather than noticing heeseung is scrutinizing his appearance, wanting to find more clues as to who jake really is.

heeseung remembers he has ice cream on his lap when moisture seeps through the fabric of his sweats, the dessert now a puddle because he’s been tunnel visioning jake again, like jake had been doing the first few days to him (now he slams the uno reverse card), but he can’t blame himself, really, jake is easy on the eyes: he’s handsome and pretty altogether, his chocolate-colored irises disappear when he laughs a little too much, his nose is regal as fuck and plastic surgeons hate him, his lips are super pouty even static but especially when he’s sulking (it was one time but heeseung caught jake being sulky because he couldn’t telepathically move the remote to flip on channels. that being said, he wants to see it again), and he’s so cutieful, is that a word? he refrains himself from smiling because fuck it, he’s not going to have a long distance relationship with a ghost. the distance being the planes of life.

to further solidify his argument (against himself), heeseung creates a physical distance from jake, heading over to the kitchen to dispose of his chocolate puddle, waddling and looking like he peed himself. he has to get ready for classes anyway. having a couple of hours away from his apartment can save him from the mind-boggling supernatural living arrangements he has here and how seamless it was for him to adapt to this totally not normal change in his life.

“i’m going out, have classes at two,” heeseung says, unable to look at jake directly when minutes ago he realized he had the hots for— what in the interspecies roma— anyway, this snatches jake’s attention away from the australian crocodile dude show. he pauses for a moment. heeseung feels like he saw a puppy deprived of treats. “oh, alone again, then,”  jake whines in pout. well, that certainly had heeseung on a chokehold.

heeseung lets himself disappear into his room to change his clothes but not after he screamed into the pillows the bottled suffering jake had costed him the entire morning alone. heeseung needs a new hobby.

once he exits with a new outfit, jake is sprawled on the couch face down. “i’m bored,” jake declares. the show had already ended with the credits on screen, heeseung turns the tv off then faces jake. heeseung does not understand how ghosts could get bored. other than haunting a place and scaring random civilians who perhaps disturb their territory, what do ghost people do? while heeseung knows it’s not his fault nor it is his business, he’d like to do something for jake.

“hey, jake,” heeseung calls out to the boy, “are you stuck here or can you also go to other places?”

“i’m not tethered to the apartment, why?” well, he’s not stuck here which means jake probably didn’t die here, that’s a relief. it’s fascinating, the situation he’s found himself in. jake is an enigma to his otherwise very boring earthly life just as he is to jake, maybe. it’s refreshing to have the idea that they’re each others’ weird and an inkling of something inside of him is grateful that he is the one here with jake now. he believes if it were other people, they would have called an exorcist or a priest or someone to get jake to forcefully ascend to heaven or whatever. but as fate would have it, they led them to each other. he gives himself a plus point. heeseung blinks cutely, “just… reference.” he tries to nonchalantly brush it off. jake looks at him judgingly.

“by the way, your bag is under here,” jake says, pointing at one of the couch’s throw pillows. “it’s a satchel,” heeseung says proudly.

“dork.”

he reaches underneath without much thought and the satchel’s contents come spilling out of it. jake chuckles when heeseung wails. little bits and pieces are scattered around the floor, most of it are trash anyway, heeseung realizes. “your sister?” jake asks, pointing at the lady inside heeseung’s open wallet in the clutter. “you look alike,” he adds.

“no, my mom,” it’s the picture from a few months ago when heeseung’s mother and the guy got married. she was wearing a white cocktail dress and a crown with a veil while heeseung wore a tux and a tie and his mother clung onto him happily, tiptoeing so she could reach his shoulders. she looks younger here so heeseung understands where jake is coming from. “you know, she married a twenty-nine-year-old guy.” the way heeseung said it must have been as if all the earth’s weight fell upon his hands because jake bursts out laughing; jake likes to laugh at his misery, he concludes. jake tells him to tell him more.

“he’s a great guy and i’m honestly really happy for her but he’s closer to me in age than they are and it’s like i have a new older brother instead of a dad? it doesn’t suck as much as i sound though, so maybe i’m the only one weird about this,” he rants. this is the first time he’s ever vocalized his feelings about his mother’s new marriage. he only mentioned about it to his friends in passing but they haven’t expressed interest as much as jake is doing right now. jake listens to him amusedly like heeseung is the only entertaining thing of his (un)life right now. perhaps heeseung is.

“that’s rough, dude,” jake air-pats the area where heeseung’s shoulders sag, still with a mocking expression on his face but heeseung is grateful for it because jake is actually listening. heeseung sighs, “see? you get me.”

“mhm, but moving out because of it is, like, a dick move if that’s your only reason for doing so. your stepdad—” heeseung scowls at him, jake replies by sticking his tongue out, “—might want to bond with you as family and not necessarily try to be a dad.”

heeseung’s mouth falls slightly agape, he didn’t think of it that way. the man genuinely loves his mother, heeseung has felt that much, which meant all the things he did while heeseung still lived with them was him making an effort to get to know heeseung, who is someone important to his new wife. this time, jake gives him a small, reassuring smile. heeseung is absolutely buzzed that jake gets him (like, made an attempt to understand him at all), at the same time tells him exactly what he needed to hear, “you get what i’m saying, yes?”

“don’t make me feel bad for leaving,” heeseung does not regret leaving actually, because he never would have met jake. but he’ll definitely give the guy another chance to be family… for the future, and for jake who helped him realize the fact. said boy hums, “though moving out may give you a sibling,” giggling, jake can’t really keep a straight face for a few seconds at best. heeseung playfully covers his ears, “please stop, i swear to god.”

jake tries his best to stop giggling, “jokes aside, moving out would be good for your individual growth,” he also can’t keep his mouth shut for more than a few seconds, too.

“is that why you lived here?” heeseung asks.

“that and home is two hours away from uni.” jake replies. at least, jake is a bit more responsive this time around. perhaps because of the momentum the conversation is going, as if they get to know each other layer by layer, slowly, gradually becoming comfortable. heeseung hopes jake notices the momentum, too.

heeseung proceeds collecting most of the trash and piling them into a corner while jake watches.

“what’s that?” jake points to whatever heeseung is briefly scanning in his hand.

“oh, it’s the receipt from the lease.”

jake’s expression contorts into confusion, “she made you pay?” the confusion seems to be infectious because heeseung reacts rhetorically, “duh?” jake makes bread with his cheeks, mindly clearly elsewhere. heeseung is now confused, curious, and concerned.

“hey, what’s wrong?” he asks when jake hasn’t spoken a word in minutes.

“my lease doesn’t end until march of next year,” jake mumbles, chewing anxiously on his bottom lip. heeseung always found it fascinating that whatever jake is doing, he’d always look like a puppy. jake sighs, “i thought she’d at least tell you there’s still an ongoing lease here.”

“she didn’t even say anything about a previous tenant,” heeseung scoffs, “that sneaky bitch thought she and her mismatched concealer could get away with it, too,” heeseung is not familiar with any aspect of business, really, but even he knows what his landlady did would not be considered legal. he paid his lease before semestral break starts which is around march, jake had also advanced his payments until the same month. she is literally renting the room to two different people, received two different payments while the previous renter is no longer living here, let alone living. oh, god, she’s such a user.

“i’m kinda impressed she managed to keep my situation under wraps, though.”

“you died here?!” heeseung could not hold the shock in his voice, which might have resounded to the neighboring rooms. the ghost shakes his head, “no—i,” jake laughs when heeseung visibly relaxes at the word no, “i mean the reason why she’s still holding our transaction.”

“my… my parents were meaning to remove the furniture here some time ago but they haven’t gotten around doing so,” it’s the first time heeseung has heard jake clearly mention family. they must have been devastated to lose someone like jake. jake obviously deflates a bit, “she must have been thinking they’d be forced get them if there was a new renter.”

“oh,” heeseung doesn’t have anything else to say. he can’t find words that will put jake at ease without having to pry or overstep any bounds. having a situation like jake’s feels the same way as being in a minefield: he doesn’t know where he stands, doesn’t know if the next move could trigger the bomb under him; but if he doesn’t do something, he’d be stuck here forever. no, this doesn’t mean that jake is draining or burdensome, he just wants to get know jake better so he can understand, be less of a stranger and more of a friend. heeseung’s feelings had come steadily, it increases by the time spent together with jake, heeseung wants to make jake happy.

“you should ask for a refund.” jake suddenly blurts out as heeseung says, “i should ask for a refund.”

their eyes find their way to one another’s, blinking, and they break into fits of giggles. heeseung stops first though, teethy grin turn into something more of a subtle smile. he is aware that he is watching a happy jake with so much fondness that isn’t considered healthy (for a human crushing on the undead) and he has to escape now.

“i gotta get to the university,” hurriedly, he stuffs the non-trash items into his satchel and the trash crumpled so tight in his hands, his nails are forming dents on his skin.

“i’ll accompany you to mrs. min’s later, if you want.”

“of course,” heeseung nods, “see you later.”

he runs out of the apartment before jake could notice his ears turning red.

👻

he manages to forget his little dilemma on having a tiny, tiny crush on a ghost the entire afternoon at university because he got stacked with laboratory work in the biology building instead of the chemistry building—which isn’t a familiar environment for him to work in. some bloke decided to make chloroform in their chem lab and it spilled all over so, everyone can imagine, it’s a mess. a funny one. also should be illegal. said bloke is in for questioning now, poor guy.

anyway, as heeseung is waiting for their groups’ chemicals to heat, he wanders around the foreign laboratory. it’s just a standard laboratory with microscopes, sinks, wash areas, but there are other equipment he doesn’t know of, probably more of a bio than a chem lab need (pretty sure they don’t need a visually-disturbing model of a human torso in their lab). but what held his attention captive is a bulletin board of top ranking biology students acknowledged by their department head, with cool headings and pictures and everything, totally professional.

“jake,” heeseung says, warmth spreading in his chest. there is a close headshot jake on top of his name and credentials. of course he would be photogenic, jake is almost close to perfection. also, he’s not at all surprised that jake is up there with the smart students, it’s that he never internalized that he and jake had walked these university grounds at the same time when he was still alive. they might have crossed paths at some point, not knowing the other exists yet, and then they meet in the most incredulous way possible. he thinks they really should have met when jake had a physical form. it’s like heeseung lost something he didn’t even have in the first place.

he notices the presence next to him. his groupmate, jay, probably saw him looking at jake’s photo when he says, “sim jaeyun, such a tragedy,” jay sighs, “he was a great guy, good-looking, very bright, quiet but approachable.” he talks like he knows jake.

“do you know what happened to him?” heeseung asks, trying not to sound too eager.

“don’t know the exact details but he had an accident,” heeseung inwardly recoils at the word. it definitely doesn’t sound like a happy story, “i think it was a cargo that hit him, it was raining hard, too. last i heard he was brain dead at a hospital or something.”

heeseung recalled that months there was a terrible storm about to fall that they had to abruptly suspend classes. and when the storm settled and classes resumed, heeseung heard talk around the campus that one student had an accident during it. he didn’t put two and two together at the time but the pieces certainly fit now. jake had been the student. it’s highkey likely that it had been the cause of jake’s death.

“which hospital was he taken to?” jay shrugs, he doesn’t know. the question had been a long shot since even jay’s knowledge of the accident left little to no information about jake himself, but he wanted to try. he wanted to know more about jake than him being just a paranormal existence in his life. even at post-mortem, he wanted to uncover the mystery that is jake sim. ghost jake has not been keen on divulging anything about himself.

but heeseung is right about one thing: alive jake would have been an angel. jay talks about him highly of the experience when they’ve actually interacted for a committee thing for the science-related courses. he’s a bit envious of this fact but it’s amusing knowing jake in another’s perspective. heeseung really missed out.

he ends up going home much earlier than seven with a takeout bag from wendy’s. jake is in the living room reading a novel. he flips through the pages with his finger with his ghost powers. somehow, heeseung remembers that ghosts get stronger the longer they stay on earth. jake hasn’t been dead long enough for him to have such strong forces, save for when he really feels equally strong emotions, heeseung deduces. jake is a baby ghost.

jake notices him standing dumbly in the doorway. does jake sense heeseung is admiring him from afar? “heeseung?” even his own name sounds pretty in jake’s voice.

jay’s words rush back in his mind; how jake came be to be like this, how he was when heeseung didn’t have the privilege of meeting him before, the vague picture of a devastating accident, his imagination of jake laying on a hospital bed in critical condition until he gave up entirely. if jake didn’t go through all that, would heeseung have met him in different, more normal circumstances?

“what are you standing there for?” jake questions, snapping him out of his trance.

“no welcome home for hyung?” jake scrunches his nose at him. “eat first, then we go to the landlady, oh, and bring my receipt, it’s here in this drawer.” jake points to the lowest drawer of the coffee table. heeseung obliges, the receipt is perched on some magazines, still crisp. “i tried to open it but it just budged a bit then it wouldn’t anymore.” the pout in jake’s voice is evident so heeseung looks up at him and he is pouting. plump bottom lip jutted and cheeks puffy and pinchable. heeseung just imagines pinching them since if he tried right now, his hand will just go through jake’s translucent cheek fat.

“where was the strength that summoned mini earthquakes the first day i was here, hm?” heeseung teases.

“i can’t control it well,” jake huffs, annoyed, like a puppy failing to chase its tail. heeseung giggles but drops the subject for jake’s sake.

heeseung pockets the receipt, setting his takeout bag on the island overlooking the living room. jake returns to reading his novel (actually, it’s heeseung’s for light reading, jake seemed interested when he took it out yesterday). heeseung munches on his nuggets quietly, adoring the way jake reacts to everything exaggeratedly: gasping, whats and naurs and whys slipping here and there, sometimes giggling hard with a hand over his mouth. heeseung catches himself smiling. shit. he fake coughs, mostly for himself to get his thoughts straight. there is an unwanted internal debacle happening in the very core of heeseung’s brain. lord, save him.

“i saw you somewhere today,” heeseung says, jake rips his attention away from the book, head tilting in question. “i was at your laboratory, your name and photo are on the bulletin.”

jake blinks once, nods once, his expression shifts to something ambivalent. heeseung is having second thoughts if it was inappropriate to bring up the topic, but he wanted to know jake beyond this form, because he thinks jake is so much more than being a ghost. he was someone amazing and heeseung is sorry he hadn’t met him sooner.

he doesn’t comment on it, doesn’t ask why they haven’t removed it yet even though it would nearly be a semester ago. as usual, jake is still so secretive about himself. heeseung realizes he should not care as much, yet he finds himself more determined to get to know jake, on a lack of better terms. he finishes the rest of his meal, disposes of the trash, then walks over to jake who’s mind is clearly elsewhere, not really reading anymore.

“did i make you feel uncomfortable?” heeseung asks hesitantly.

“no, it’s just—things were good before this,” he gestures to his hovering form. jake smiles at him, a hint of sadness is present in his tone, in his eyes, “the first time i saw myself up there, i had the feeling that i was making something of myself. it’s one of the best core memories i have of my career as a biology student. it’s just the nostalgia.”

it must be painful having memories of the life he left behind but have not actually left it entirely. it must be painful for jake to be stagnant here, having the scar of his death still fresh, open. it must be painful for him to be bound, not in this apartment, but with the feelings he carried, carries, even in the afterlife. there is so much more to that pale, pretty face than heeseung cannot even dare to ask.

“thank you for reminding me,” with the foreign emotion is completely rid of, the ghost’s eyes sparkle with genuine happiness, unabashed grin spreading across jake’s pretty face, heeseung mirrors him.

jake clearly needed a moment alone so heeseung excuses himself to his bedroom, he needed to change clothes anyway. it’s bittersweet feeling. on one hand, he is faintly giddy of the fact that he made jake happy by mentioning his achievements in school which he is certaain that jake is super proud of. it had been a touchy subject but jake received it well, possibly triggering wonderful memories from the time he spent as a biology student. on another, heeseung finds it regrettable that jake, who had such a bright future ahead of him, is forever immortalized as a smart young man who lost his life without ever having the chance to prove himself to be greater than he already was. heeseung questions life, how unfair it has been, how cruel it had treated jake who was just trying to live. heeseung is not tone-deaf, he knows jake regrets dying, even if it’s not his fault.

“heeseung, let’s go!” jake’s yell is muffled. heeseung shakes his thoughts away as if jake could read his mind. he doesn’t want jake to feel pitied, jake probably already had enough of that. he emerges out the room and jake is by the front door, waiting for heeseung, giving the taller one a questioning look when heeseung freezes for a moment. “what?” jake asks.

you’re pretty.

“nothing,” heeseung replies. heeseung takes the handle and locks the door behind him.

this is the first time he’s witnessed jake out of the apartment, and the first time they’re going somewhere together. it may be just the landlady’s own apartment on the ground floor but heeseung had not thought of jake being seen by anyone besides him, it’ll be a neat experiment.

the whole ride in the elevator, jake yaps nonstop, instructing heeseung what to tell the landlady about heeseung’s refund of his deposit, if heeseung had his receipt other than jake’s, and that he should prepare his bank details so that she could wire in the refund faster. he yaps until they reach her door. best main yapper. heeseung wills himself to be calm as if he were about to face a dragon (is her skin flaky because she has scales underneath them?). jake stays behind him. “do you know what to say?”

“yes, i know what to say, jake, just don’t be distracting when i actually talk to the dragon lady—hi, mrs. min, i was just about to knock.”

a short and stout (like the little teapot) woman nearing her sixties is by the door before heeseung could even announce his presence. and just as heeseung remembered, she has the thinnest eyebrows drawn on with a pencil that really stands out from her entire face. heeseung will have to gift her a wrinkle cream for christmas or her birthday—whichever one is nearer. she needs it asap.

“what do you want?” her raspy voice echoes through the hall, her diction isn’t exactly friendly either but heeseung has to choose if he will fight fire with carbon dioxide or he’ll be sleeping on the streets.

“i’m lee heeseung, from fifteenth?” he sounds unsure of himself and that’s because this tiny four-foot-seven woman is intimidating as hell. his genitals might not be safe. he hears jake snickering on his rear and if he could turn around and smack him he would, but his palm will just glide through the goddamn ghost. advantages.

mrs. min rolls her eyes hard, so hard that heeseung is afraid they’ll roll off her sockets (her eyebags will catch them anyway?) “i don’t have a whole day. spit out, kid.” kid? heeseung is offended. he’s twenty-two! twenty-two is not a kid. no, not at all. he’s a man.

okay, man. heeseung swallows down. heeseung isn’t really shitting bricks with the idea of her as a person per se, he’s just nervous about the fact that he’s going to ask something from her and she’d refuse? the way she would react to his request would definitely be detrimental to their relationship as lessor-lessee. above all else, if dragon lady rats him out to his mom, she’ll start asking questions; she will get suspicious of every small detail. and if she finds a discrepancy, she will make drastic decisions—heeseung can never escape. then he’ll have to go live with his mom and his stepfather (barf) again! honestly, he’s more terrified (lovingly) of his mom than the landlady.

“i, um, i got a message? from sim jaeyun’s parents, the boy who used to live in my apartment?” mrs. min raises her thin eyebrow at him. the straight line is now a curvy line.

“i knew jake. he was… he was, um, my friend from college and his parents said that they had a deposit until march of next year which means my apartment is paid until then and they told me to use it but then i told them i already paid a deposit of my own so it’s like jake and i… double paid?” he raps under one breath. part of heeseung wishes that the lies were true, more so when jake floats beside him saying, “good, that’s good.” jake offers him two thumbs up and bread cheeks seen from his periphery. adorable.

“you want a refund?” heeseung nods vigorously, “fine.”

“oh, um, wow, thank you so much, mrs. min!” he did not expect her to give in so easily. then again, they’ve already caught her red-handed; they have receipts, literally! and if she had been stubborn, plan b was heeseung using the ‘i will sue this place and you’ card. although, he probably would have to be bluffing. in any case, the outcome is what he wanted and it happened smoothly, therefore he will definitely save up for her anti-aging cream as an appreciation gift. he can feel the joy radiating from jake beside him as he claps like a sea puppy, he tries his hardest not to look at him and smile though, mrs. min would think he’d gone mental.

“and… if you could,”

he hopes she’ll say yes one more time.

“can you refund jake’s deposit instead?”

heeseung really tries his hardest not to turn to jake; when he gasps loud enough to turn heads (if he were visible to everyone else) but only heeseung can hear, with the way jake fails to grab onto him so only heeseung feels the cold trail of his attempt. “that’s—heeseung, that’s not what we talked about—” he did not run his decision over with jake. on another perspective, he thinks he should have but he only thought of it on the spot. he uses the leverage of jake being a ghost to pretend to be deaf against his protests.

tsk tsk, she goes. heeseung blinks his eyes cutely at her as an apology. “i need his original receipt.” heeseung is quick to provide her with jake’s receipt. she reviews it, heeseung takes a peek, “the payment was made through his parents’ bank account, maybe we can wire it there?”

she huffs, then waves a dismissing hand at heeseung before slamming the door right at his face. he caught her softening for a millisecond; maybe mrs. min wasn’t the wicked witch of the west heeseung made her out to be. her demeanor changed at the mention of jake’s parents. heeseung caters the idea that they are on the same page on how they sympathize for them. for whatever happened to jake.

“what was that?” right, jake. “hey, stop pretending you don’t hear me!”

heeseung does not enjoy the sound of jake whining like a puppy denied playtime but he’d rather take this conversation to the safe corners of their apartment than to risk having someone see him talking to himself as if he were crazy.

he speedwalks back to his apartment when the elevator reaches his floor with jake following suit. he went nonverbal the second heeseung stepped inside the elevator. jake looks lost and hurt and heeseung’s heart sinks. he plops down on the couch and pats the space near him, jake sits on the opposite end anyway.

“look, jake, it’s more convenient this way. i can’t go for months living in an apartment that i didn’t pay for. besides, my mom will ask me why the landlady returned my deposit to her account and… your parents might need the money more than i do.” the implication of jake’s death feels heavier on his tongue now that his parents are involved, probably still grieving parents who loved jake so dearly.

jake is not even looking at him, his arms are crossed, a formed pout on his lips. heeseung wills himself to tear away from the visual of jake sulking. he fake coughs, more to himself. “point is, i’m using the apartment as a living person. i need to be responsible for that.”

jake took his time ignoring heeseung’s pleading gaze. sometimes calling the ghost boy’s name with no response. and when jake finally turns to him, angrier pout and shimmering eyes (ghosts have tears?), heeseung’s breath is cut short. “what about me? are you going to kick me out because you’re the legal owner of the apartment now?” it’s the first heeseung has witnessed jake sincerely angry and sad. “i don’t want to leave my apartment, i don’t want to wander aimlessly looking for the light or some shit, and especially… i don’t want to be alone.” and he cries, pressing his palms towards his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing, heaving heavily expelled breaths. heeseung inches closer reaching out but stops. he can’t touch jake.

“it’s scary even though nothing can physically hurt me anymore but it’s still just lonely here.” harsh sniffles escape jake as he pieces himself back together. heeseung’s vocabulary seemingly dissipates into thin air because he can’t find the right words to not escalate this any further. so heeseung lets him cry. maybe ghosts cry because they are longing for the life they lost, for the things they left behind, for being lonely.

gradually, jake’s noises die down replaced with odd silence they haven’t shared in a long while. or maybe it’s just heeseung feeling awkward since he instigated this (albeit unintentionally) yet he’s the one that feels helpless. jake scoots closer over to him, knees bumping, cold where jake’s hit heeseung’s.

“i miss living,” he whispers. heeseung’s heart breaks for him.

“jake, i didn’t know… i’m sorry.”

jake shakes his head faintly, as if he were saying it’s not heeseung’s fault. well, it isn’t heeseung’s fault that he died, he knows that, but somehow still, heeseung wanted to apologize for something. for the circumstances of his untimely demise. for being stuck in the mortal plane which his soul does not belong in anymore. for the world being unkind. for lovely jake who doesn’t deserve any of this.

“i’m only twenty-one, heeseung, i haven’t lived my life.” jake offers him a sad smile. heeseung doesn’t smile back, confused, heart still heavy. “knowing that the apartment still had my name, i felt like i still had something on earth to cling to, y’know. i’m not tethered to the apartment but having it in my name gave me a sense of hope… even though it’s already hopeless.”

a never-leaving echo of melancholy settles in jake’s voice which doesn’t seem right to heeseung. he’s used to jake upbeat and chirpy, bossing him around, full of sass, and honestly just comforting. he wanted to get to know jake better at his own pace, not forced out like this. it’s like he tore the control out of jake for him to have an outburst of emotions he wasn’t ready for heeseung to discover.

“i didn’t mean for it to be like that… i—you can stay, i’m not kicking you out. i haven’t even thought about that, really,” heeseung says rather rushed, since he didn’t want the words to leave his brain without saying anything to jake again. he stumbles upon the thought of not having jake here which now he considers is weirder than jake being a ghost. then it hits him. the realization has him in disbelief, but in a good sense.

“i like it here with you in it.” it is a soft confession. one both jake and heeseung himself are taken aback of.  jake perks up when he hears it though so heeseung lets it slide. “really?” he asks rather charmingly. if he were a puppy, his tail would have wagged, heeseung imagines. “yes, really. and besides, my mom will flip when she finds out these furniture are haunted.”

“okay,” jake giggles at that.

it is baffling for heeseung himself to meagerly just go along with his paranormal situation right now since he did not really intend on having to board with a ghost. a roommate is one thing but jake is a literal out-of-this-world roommate. yet, here he is, unwittingly having accepted this whole fiasco without as much as a second thought, even on the first day. then again, perhaps it is because jake himself is a comforting presence. heeseung cannot place a pin on it, but he feels like jake belongs here. not, like, the physical belongingness but his whole existence, maybe. he’s meant to be here. just like heeseung is meant to be here.

👻

heeseung has never domestically slept with anyone on the same bed before, yet jake is on the same bed as him every single night. jake is stubborn, not wanting to leave behind the human practice of going to bed at night even when he doesn’t even sleep. it’s not like he could roll over jake anyway (he could but jake will just wince at the contact and not get crushed under heeseung’s weight) so he doesn’t really put that much thought into the whole thing. but heeseung wonders why it does not bother him that he wakes up with jake beside him, telling him he drooled, or he sleeptalked, or his face was scrunching up a lot followed up with “maybe you had a nightmare?”; it bothers him more that jake isn’t beside him come morning.

“jake?” rubbing his eyes to adjust to light, he calls for jake like routine. now that he knows jake hates feeling alone, he deems it unusual, too, that jake is nowhere near heeseung as of the moment. heeseung goes around the apartment once: the living room slash dining/kitchen, bathroom, even the balcony neither of them want to hang out on because it’s too hot or too cold for heeseung (the temperature there just can’t seem to get it right) and jake gets dizzy looking down from high places.

did he say something stupid when jake opened up to him yesterday? did jake run away because he thought being vulnerable to heeseung had been a false move? he was fine before heeseung went to sleep last night or wasn’t he? heeseung recalls jake quieter than he usually is, clearly in deep thought and heeseung just gave him space to sort the baggage he had unpacked to the older moments prior. jake hadn’t ever left the apartment the times heeseung was in it. maybe he had been leaving at times heeseung was at the university, too? again, jake isn’t tethered to the apartment so maybe he could have just went somewhere.

and why would heeseung be worried if he went somewhere?

it’s a tad unfair since heeseung always tells jake he’s going out, not that jake cares, but because heeseung wants him to know? maybe jake just isn’t the kind of person that lets others into his business but… sigh, let’s be honest here, it’s not about jake’s whereabouts at all. it’s about heeseung and his small, tiny, little, minuscule, microscopic crush on jake that he is worried. he’s a ghost, he’s physically indestructable; heeseung is overreacting.

he prepares himself for his classes, the entire time trying to shake off any form of thought that is jake-related. but, like, could he come home before heeseung leaves for university at least? for heeseung’s peace of mind.

he loiters inside the apartment for the time he could have spent walking to campus. he runs dry the minutes he is able to spare yet there is still no signs of jake returning. so he picks up his bag and leaves, hoping to meet jake along the way as if jake were a person coming back from somewhere tangible and not spiritual realms or anything of the sort.

wait.

did jake already follow the light?

it dawns upon him that maybe what happened yesterday was the key to jake finally coming to terms with his death, that he’s finally freed himself from the longing of earthly life and his regrets. as a ghost, is that not the end goal of their final journey here? to accept the light and be ready for eternal happiness? then how come heeseung feels so fucking devastated right now?

he stops at his tracks, hand gripping his bag tightly. did jake really already leave? he feels his knees turn to mush, blood seemingly rushing away from his legs and he gives in, slowly sinking to the ground. he blinks. once, twice. his head suddenly weighs more than it should, it hangs until he has to support it with his palms. breaths turn labored, eyes watering, core body temperature rising. he can’t believe it. jake’s gone.

“what are you doing on the floor, heeseung?”

heeseung looks up through the fog of his near-tears and oh, jake’s here. in front of him. jake is still here and he looks like an angel… with his head tilted slightly, cutely. heeseung could melt. well, he is already on the floor, he might turn into a puddle anytime soon.

“jake!” heeseung scrambles on his feet. a sense of relief washes over him as he scans jake’s transparent figure. if he could, he might have pulled jake into an embrace and buried his face on the shorter one’s neck and—he feels his heart is going to leap out of his chest like it’s going to run a marathon with how fast it’s beating. he doesn’t even realize a tenant from the same floor blinks at him as if heeseung grew a second head. he had forgotten he wasn’t in the safe confines of their apartment because all coherent thinking are erased once jake came into view. jake giggles, “maybe keep it down so people here won’t think you’re crazy?”

holy shit, he really was overreacting.

“i was worried, where were you?” heeseung questions more hushed, he cannot exactly hide the adrenaline in his voice though, still high from the fact that jake left without saying anything, whether it be for good or just temporary as to how this moment plays out.

“i went to visit my parents,” jake replies, he doesn’t know the damage he’s done to heeseung, does he? “after that stunt you pulled, i wondered how they were doing so…” he trails off. heeseung could not help but pout, “and you didn’t wait for me to wake up or you could’ve woken me up?” jake’s expression changes into mirth because heeseung is sulking.

“why would i wake you up though?”

“to let me know where you were going?”

“why?” that’s right, why would jake wake up heeseung just to let him know where he was going? roommates don’t usually ask permission of the other roommate when they’re going somewhere. though it’s different in heeseung’s case since jake is not your typical roommate which might mean he may disappear at any point in time without prior notice so heeseung is allowed to overthink things, okay? it stings even more when he lays it out like that.

even though having jake around does not impact his daily life whatsoever, admittedly, jake is a presence he had not found in all the someones he’s met the entire course of his life. jake is different. is it because he is a ghost? is it because he’s cute? is it because jake triggers the ghost butterflies to flutter around the walls of his stomach when he just as much finds the pretty twinkle in jake’s eyes? heeseung will never tell.

“i—i thought you went into the light?” heeseung continues to sulk, fiddling with the hem of his jacket which jake actually finds funny because he snorts then he’s laughing, the pretty melody rings in heeseung’s ears. “why are you laughing?” heeseung whines sounding dejected, but it’s quite the opposite really, seeing jake covering his mouth with both of his hands when he laughs is an instant dopamine boost.

if heeseung wasn’t paying attention, he would have missed jake’s words in between, “you’re so cute.”

now, heeseung has had his share of being complimented, cute being one of them obviously, but there’s something about the way jake says it that makes heeseung blush mad red on the tips of his ears and his heart that had just paced itself is gradually whirring up another storm. jake bites his lower lip to stop himself from laughing but it does not bode well for heeseung because what the fuck that’s so attractive— “i don’t think i’m ready for that just yet. prepare to be bothered by me some more i guess,” the ghost blinks at him. he opens and closes his mouth, trying to form words (hopefully to console heeseung’s own soul), and heeseung eagerly awaits for what he has to say for himself. he almost gave heeseung a heart attack!

“i don’t know how that works but… if i ever do leave, permanently—i suppose, i’ll be sure to tell you.”

heeseung is muddled whether he finds it comforting or not; that jake will tell him when the time comes he does truly leave. he is aware it is for the best, jake does not belong in this world anymore, but he is saddened by that fact in and of itself because jake has grown on him. so he remains quiet, pensive, wants to bargain to jake, to the entity that will accompany his soul to the afterlife (?), to the place where he will eternally be free (?) that maybe jake could stay a while longer? jake takes his unresponsiveness stiffly with the way he shifts around, “and you were going to class, hm?”

“shit,” heeseung glances at his wristwatch, he really is. jake giggles again and heeseung does not want to leave jake out of his sight for another instant, fearing he might disappear for real this time. but then jake looks at him softly and everything is all right again. he rushes past jake with a short bye towards the elevator conveniently waiting for him to board.

heeseung clenches his fist in hesitance.

“jake!” he yells before the doors shut, “we can do something together when i get home?” he presses on the open button for the doors just to linger a little bit more. he feels his cheeks heat up when jake’s expression morphs into one of surprise. “okay?” the declaration clearly stuns jake, yet he smiles oh so charmingly when the words sink in. “okay,” he replies more confident this time. heeseung mirrors the smile, it’s suddenly warm in the elevator.

“okay, then. later,” heeseung waves again, fumbling when he does.

jake shakes his head, muttering go! because heeseung is already very tardy. he’s twenty minutes late to class, thirty-five if he takes his time, thirty if he can speedwalk.

who would have thought that mere hours ago heeseung was virtually going insane thinking that jake had left him definitely only to be somewhat reassured otherwise. keyword is somewhat. jake’s words leave little to no room for heeseung to be at ease. and by the end of the day, he hasn’t come into terms with it, of jake possibly leaving. which leads to a more devastating realization: heeseung doesn’t want jake to leave.

heeseung likes the idea of waking up to jake in early mornings or lazy afternoons. he likes the idea of them doing nothing together. he likes the idea of him just there, where he turns around and jake is there. he refuses to put meaning behind the certain happiness he feels with jake, though deep down, he grows fonder of the arrangement both of them unexpectedly found themselves in. he’s aware it’s dangerous territory, but he’ll just have to cross that bridge when he gets to it, if it means jake would be on the other side.

heeseung is out the lecture hall by the minute his final class ends just as the sun is setting. some of his classmates had invited him over for a study session over drinks like usual on friday nights (it baffles him how they can debate while tipsy) yet he politely declines, saying he has somewhere to be. jake might be waiting for him.

he approaches the exit gates when he spots him reading the advisory board. heeseung’s breath hitches at the sight. “are you for real?” heeseung asks once he reaches him, trying to be inconspicuous while doing so. jake is here on campus, he looks no different from the other students here, save for him literally transparent and floating.

“put on your earbuds and pretend you’re taking a call so you won’t look crazy talking alone.” heeseung does as directed, once the earpiece is in place, he says, “you really are a little genius, aren’t you, jakey?” jake grimaces, slapping heeseung’s arm; it goes right through.

jake walks (floats?), heeseung follows. it seems jake has something in mind, strolling along a path he obviously memorized by heart. he maneuvers through people as if he has mass of his own, periodically glancing at heeseung to see if he was tailing him. he stops, heeseung stops, by the intersection of the residential areas where their apartment is located and hangang park. heeseung catches on pretty fast and puppy is what heeseung’s brain supplies first.

“if you didn’t have anything particular in mind, may i suggest walking along han river?”

“i was honestly going to just ask you to try hanging out on the balcony but your idea is way better than mine.”

“you wouldn’t see me dead on that architectural failure.”

“but you’re a ghost.”

“you wouldn’t see me alive, then.”

heeseung rolls his eyes, but he smiles fondly, “hangang park it is.”

it’s getting colder, the rainy season is approaching. heeseung laments on wearing a jacket out of fashion today rather than comfort, “cold?” jake asks, “we can go home if you want.” two things: one, how is jake so attentive that he notices even the slightest shivers from heeseung? two, this is the first time jake addresses the apartment as home. it has always been a shared space between the two of them, but jake not calling it ‘the apartment’ this time makes heeseung feel mushy on the inside and warm enough with the blood rushing to his ears.

“just a little bit, but i’m okay,” heeseung pouts. he wants jake to have this, he wants himself to have this with him. the cold never bothered him anyway, he thinks. pack it up, elsa.

jake is fast to widen the gap between him and heeseung when they reach the first pavements of the park. heeseung imagines jake with floppy dog ears and a tail excitedly wagging as he zooms past other pedestrians enjoying the park at dusk. city lights simultaenously flick on, bathing the scenic view of the river in artificial light, lamp posts lucent and dazzling, but nowhere near as dazzling as jake. how his eyes disappear into crescents hidden behind the apples of his cheeks when he smiles so wide like he’s doing now. he twirls around in childlike wonder, mouth upturned to a huge smile and his little fangs peak out from his plump, heart-shaped lips. heeseung basks in the bewitching light jake provides. he’s torn whether to be sad that he is the only one who gets to see it, or happy because he is the only one who gets to see it.

he tilts his head as he motions for heeseung to catch up. heeseung finds himself quite distracted these days, seeing nothing and no one else but jake, it’s becoming an unhealthy habit.

heeseung keeps his eyes forward, leads them somewhere where the crowd is thinner.

“i used to walk along here whenever i finished studying for a major test,” jake says, his vision unfixed and travelling around, reminiscing, yearning. heeseung is no stranger to hangang park, since it’s near their university, his friends hung around here often, too. “it’s crazy how we never met,” heeseung says, eyes trained on jake yet again. “maybe at some point we were both here and we didn’t even bump into each other. that’s crazy to think about.”

“gangnam is huge though,” heeseung and jake settle themselves on the grassy area, sitting cross-legged beside each other. “maybe we were fated to meet like this.”

there is something so pathetic about heeseung coming to terms with his feelings about jake. he likes him for sure, he is willing to go against odds and tell it straight to his face. but jake has enough on his plate right now and heeseung doesn’t want to contribute to his already burdened still-existence.

and when jake moves on to the next life leaving heeseung, then what?

yip! a puppy, an actual one, comes running to both of them, a limp leash connected to its harness trails behind. the puppy must have escaped from its owner. “a puppy!” jake exclaims. it eagerly wags its tail (déjà vu) in front of jake, the puppy clearly sees him and the ghost could not contain his squeal. jake commands sit and it heeds, jake pats its head. he gasps, “heeseung, i can touch him!”

“evan,” heeseung reads the puppy’s tag, “you’re a naughty puppy, aren’t you, evan? running away from your humans like this.” as if it understood him, the puppy whines, ears drooping, inching farther away from heeseung. he earns a glare from jake, “oh, hush, he’s a good boy, he’s just lost is all.”

jake cups the puppy’s cheeks in both hands, massaging the little face. it’s surreal that jake can touch the dog and actually feel its physical warmth. jake sings praise after praise for the small creature and once again, heeseung’s heart swells with want.

“i have a dog, her name is layla,” jake tells him as the puppy situates itself on jake’s lap. it must be confusing on the outsider’s perspective for a dog curling up on something invisible, but heeseung absolutely keens at the sight, a puppy with a puppy.

“have you seen her lately?”

“no, not since… i think she’s living with my grandmother for now.”

“you should definitely let her see you, then.”

“and spook my family? no way!” both of them chuckle at jake’s choice of words. it’s a funny thing to imagine, jake showing up at one of their family gatherings and layla suddenly barks around happily while jake’s family freezes, sensing his ghostly presence through the dog’s actions. heeseung hasn’t met any of them and layla herself but the thought still puts the tickles in his stomach.

evan seems to have fallen asleep. jake coos on the fact immediately, stroking the puppy’s head while asking heeseung isn’t he cute? before sighing, the previous nostalgic mien when he gushed about his own dog returns, prompting heeseung to ask, “do you miss them?”

jake nods and mutters, “of course. but i know what you’re thinking, why am i not with them is a whole different story though.” heeseung just nods back.

the little pup stirs in his slumber, jake fiddles with the leash while blankly staring at it. heeseung finds it is easier on both of them if jake only talks when he wants to. he is patient anyway, he doesn’t pry on that implication of another heavy baggage the ghost is carrying. jake’s pace is nice and slow, heeseung has the time to admire him more in his silence, too.

eventually, evan’s owner finds him, they see the puppy next to heeseung, curled up on the grass as if jake isn’t cradling the puppy on his lap (to them, he isn’t there, heeseung reminds himself). heeseung witnesses how jake’s expression contorts from a sad pout, saying goodbye to evan to gentle smiles when evan yips and licks his owner who is thanking heeseung profusely.

“it’s really no problem, evan made someone really happy today,” heeseung says, inching closer to jake, to let jake know it’s him heeseung is talking about. knees bumping—kind of, cold where they meet, yet their connection sends electric impulses through every synapse of heeseung’s being. jake is heeseung’s very own paradox. heeseung’s heart stutters just a little bit.

from his periphery, jake couldn’t tear his gaze away from the puppy, mouthing bye-bye and waving so cutely. jake follows evan through his sight until they were alone once more. “you okay?” heeseung asks subtly. jake nods as a reply, still smiling at the direction evan left. although somewhat at peace, jake seems a little off, heeseung doesn’t want to push him. “yeah. but c’mon, i wanna see the river,” he up and leaves heeseung sitting still with his thoughts on the grassy patch. jake successfully dodges heeseung’s what seemed to be a surface level question but insinuated much more than those two words.

what can i do to make you feel better?

there is a relentless feeling bubbling in the pits of heeseung’s chest whenever jake dismisses his own feelings off. oh, how heeseung wanted to tell it to jake straight that he could be the person who listens, he can be the one jake can be vulnerable with. despite a sound reasoning that jake is avoidant because of their special circumstance, heeseung pays it no heed. consequences be damned.

he joins the younger leaning on the guard rails keeping people a distance away from the river. the water glistens, mirroring the city lights in its reflection.

“i think i manifested for you to see me,” jake blurts out breaking their tranquility. “i wanted you out of the apartment so bad, i just wanted to scare you away with falling objects but you didn’t seem disturbed.”

heeseung snorts recalling the first time they ever met. he was going out to collect box three of the five he had prepared for his move into the apartment when jake appeared out of thin air. he stood between heeseung and the door out of the apartment. they both screamed at each other, then heeseung ran and locked himself in the bathroom for twenty whole minutes. if it truly were jake’s unstable ghost powers that made heeseung see him, heeseung hopes he doesn’t regret it.

“or that’s just how fate works, the universe wanted me to see you,” heeseung murmurs, just enough for jake to hear but not be thrown off by this sudden bravado. at first, jake seems relieved, but then it morphs into something sour, confusion? fear?

heeseung knows jake is not stupid. heeseung knows jake knows. heeseung knows jake himself refuses to acknowledge it. for both of their sakes, it does not exist if they do not talk about it. it might better off this way, anyway. maybe it would hurt less in the long run. but it doesn’t mean heeseung doesn’t want it. hell, he wants this.

forehead resting on his arms on the railings, jake asks the other, “heeseung, if… if we met before, would we have been friends?”

friends. maybe even more.

heeseung finds the question funny, “we would probably roommates,” he replies and jake chuckles, he sounds more flustered than amused. oh, my god, they were roommates.

“i’m happy right now,” jake mumbles, though heeseung isn’t entirely convinced. he knows jake is still holding back. he sighs, breaking out of his tiny head cocoon, “i mean, it could have been better, obviously,” he holds out his hand in front of him, pale and transparent, “but it’s definitely better than the months i wandered alone.”

heeseung is stagnant, only observing jake as wiggles his fingers, playing with the light that passes through his glassy appendages. he feels so real. he feels that if he would reach out to jake right now, he could touch him, to finally hold his hand, and stroke his hair, and have him in his embrace. he’s just right there, so hauntingly beautiful and beautifully broken. can i keep you? jake is just right there yet… he’s still a world apart.

“jake…” it’s the only word heeseung knows how to speak at the moment. the only word that anchors him from losing his sanity. but the ghost—the person who it belongs to makes him want to defy the laws of nature, physics, makes him want to risk it all so they can give them a try, a chance. can i have you?

the smaller of the two rests his cheek on the palm of his hand, his head tilting, and pretty brown eyes surpass all the shine of the city lights and celestial bodies above; it shifts heeseung’s world out of its axis, placing everything in disarray but putting them someplace new, different, brighter, better. jake, like a new sun, says warmly,

“i don’t regret haunting you.”

i want you.

i want you so much.

enough to challenge life.

heeseung snaps out of his reverie when a child on skates manages to bump into him (he caught the kid, don’t worry) causing jake to giggle, biting his full lower lip and he fucking triangle methods heeseung with his lower lip bitten down by his cute little fang. holy shit, he will never get that mental image out of his head. heeseung is going to combust.

“you—!” heeseung almost lost control of his volume. “you say that with such a cute face but that’s the most terrifying thing you said to me,” he whisper-yells, accusatory, disbelieving, endearingly.

“you think i’m cute?”

“selective hearing?”

“well, do you?” jake presses on, eyebrows raised teasingly with a matching grin. he already knows the answer, heeseung can’t lie, won’t lie. ears burning red, heeseung admits, “like a puppy.”

👻

heeseung gets that jake has always been avoidant but this is getting ridiculous.

ever since that night from hangang park, jake had been rather distant from heeseung. they were fine before bedtime, or so heeseung thinks? heeseung went to bed first since jake wanted some alone time. but he didn’t lay down that night on his (jake’s) bed which sent heeseung into a panic (again) the next morning only to find jake on the balcony, claiming he needed some fresh air. (okay, one, do ghosts need air? two, over his unalive body, was it?)

there’s only so much space the apartment has to offer for two beings to coexist. everytime heeseung and jake cross paths, jake has some excuse at the ready then proceeds to ignore heeseung, good enough to last an entire week. sometimes though, jake almost gives in, but his resolve probably steels more than his want to be with heeseung.

to say the minimum, heeseung is lost.

it’s like a reset button had been pressed somewhere. he thought he read the signs right, that jake liked him like heeseung thought he did, like heeseung did. maybe it was just the spur of the moment. yeah, that’s definitely it. heeseung has been cooped up in the apartment for far too long, he hasn’t met anyone else since jake. nobody had been interesting enough for him more than jake. jake had monopolized his attention, affection, time.

yeah, okay, maybe heeseung falls a little too hard, a little too fast, but who can blame him? he’s a lover, kind of. he’s a whole ass coward to confrontation though, so he has little predicaments like these often. it also leads him to making terrible decisions when faced with discombobulation. this is why heeseung has sunghoon, an old flame, over his apartment—the one he shares with a ghost. that one ghost he has feelings for.

sunghoon had latched onto him the instant the front door closed, he didn’t even give heeseung a chance to mull it over ang regret his decisions.

nevermind, he’s here now.

heeseung leads sunghoon through the foyer towards the living space, area completely mapped out in memory so they don’t bump into things. once heeseung feels the sturdy bearing of the couch’s arm, he turns sunghoon around and pushes him onto the plush furniture, pinning the other against the cushions. his lips travelling along the expanse of sunghoon’s jaw and back to the other’s lips, sloppily, messily. the sounds sunghoon release are loud and obscene, his exigent hands traverse heeseung’s torso and flanks, to cupping his face and entangling with the older’s hair, pulling slightly. it sends shivers up heeseung’s spine and not in the good kind.

shit, this feels totally wrong.

heeseung shifts uncomfortably, he doesn’t remember himself being stiff during makeouts. his arm is in an awkward position, his long legs don’t slot well with the ones underneath his, his breathing is uneven, is it a little too humid in here? jake must have left the balcony open.

sunghoon might be feeling the hesitance in heeseung’s actions because he asks, “are you okay?” he’s also breathing irregularly but heeseung presumes its from the intense kissing. there’s no ghostly (hah) weight in sunghoon’s heart and the resounding jake jake jake in his addled brain because if there is, sunghoon wouldn’t hesitate to lap his tongue all over heeseung’s neck. heeseung hisses as sunghoon bites down hard on his flesh, but it doesn’t distract heeseung from thinking: shit, this feels totally wrong.

“hyung, what’s wrong?” sunghoon continues to nuzzle his nose against the crook of heeseung’s neck. heeseung shakily huffs, “just a little dizzy,” dizzy from the lack of oxygen or from the guilt suddenly heating his gut of having sunghoon here doing things he wants to be doing with jake—wait, no, fuck.

a clamor of unknown items come from the foyer followed by a resounding bang of the door heeseung clearly remembers being shut in the first place reverberates towards the living room. that was jake. heeseung is sure as hell. and he’s also sure as hell that he’s fucked up big time. he bounces off the couch, off of sunghoon without any explanation and sprints out the door, leaving another deafening noise in his wake; he might have to apologize to his neighbors later.

he thanks every inch of the heavens that jake is still within sight, albeit he’s hovering away fast, presumably to distance himself from heeseung. he really fucked up, didn’t he?

“jake!” he yells out to the ghost, uncaring if people see him talking to no one. jake doesn’t stop so heeseung runs to block jake’s path but he just slips past the taller because heeseung forgets he is intangible. it (un)fortunately halts jake in his tracks though because he winces in pain, heeseung’s eyes shoot open with worry.

“where does it hurt, jake?” heeseung crouches down to jake whimpering on the floor.

“leave me alone!” jake screeches, enough for heeseung to be physically slightly pushed away. besides, jake had been pushing him away from the previous days, too. the difference today is jake actually made it clear, and it honestly hurts.

“can we talk before you leave me hanging again?” heeseung dislikes the tone of his voice but he can’t help himself. he’s confused, and sad, and angry and he doesn’t understand where these ugly emotions are coming from and he’s sure as hell does not want to point fingers at jake. but he wants answers and he wants to sort out the mess that has gotten more complicated because of him.

then he’s hearing jake’s sniffles.

he’s not crying, but his eyes are watery and they avoid heeseung. jake stands up, floating, heeseung unconsciously follows him. the ghost attempts to get past him and heeseung is afraid of jake leaving him again so he counters his movement until jake snits, annoyed, “you’re clearly preoccupied so let’s talk some other time," heeseung sees the way jake's eyes flit to where sunghoon made a mark.

heeseung panics when jake side steps him, he rushes to block jake again, make jake stay, almost tripping in the process. “no, i—i can make him leave, just… don’t go… i’m sorry.”

the silence lingers and it grows excruciatingly so. jake won’t spare him a glance. look at me, please. “jake, i’m sorry,” he repeats himself.

jake finally looks at him, but what is this poignant expression he’s looking at heeseung with? heeseung is afraid of things jake might be conceptualizing in his head, of things that jake might say or do to end this little game of them hiding feelings in broad daylight.

“what are you even sorry for, heeseung?” jake asks, mutter under his breath, as if he doesn’t want heeseung to hear. “him? i don’t know. i’m not right in the head at the moment, i’m going crazy over this.”

“this?”

“us, jake,” he doesn’t care if he sounds desperate, maybe because he is. he desperately wants to ask jake to stay but he doesn’t want to overstep into whatever jake wants. so he settles for what he can say, “one day we were fine but in the next you avoid me like i did something wrong. or maybe i was wrong about that night in hangang.”

he hopes he isn’t.

he hopes he hadn’t been delusional from how pretty jake looked under the city lights and the moonlit river, from the lingering gazes to the subtle hints of want that maybe he wants there to be a them just as much as heeseung does. disregarding the other, more pressing matters which wait until later. heeseung just needs to know if jake also wants to risk it all, wants to take a chance with him.

a few tears escape jake’s eyes but he quickly wipes them off with the green plaid flannel jake wore from the first day of their meeting until now. oh, how badly heeseung wants to be the one who wipes those tears away. how badly heeseung does not want to be the reason for those tears anymore. jake’s breathing shallows, does he even need to breathe? open-mouthed and labored, he’s forcing himself to stop crying. heeseung’s legs feel numb like they would give out anytime if jake continues to restrain himself.

“no, you’re not wrong about hangang,” jake softly declares, as if he’s suppressing himself from being true to his feelings. heeseung’s breathing had not been the most normal either, he releases a shaky sigh of relief; a fresh, growing heat finds its way to heeseung’s heart.

heeseung steps closer, he’s grateful jake isn’t repulsed by the action, he needs to be as close as jake lets him. “then what’s stopping us?” he asks, afraid... again, of being too much, of scaring jake away by his brazenness. it’s foolish to even ask as if it weren’t obvious. like it isn’t the core of the many, many unspoken problems this arrangement offered in the first place.

for once today, jake looks up at him sincerely, sadly. he lifts his ghostly hand towards heeseung’s face and it lingers just above heeseung’s flesh, it’s cold. there is nothing more in this world that heeseung wants to do, at this very moment, other than hold it against his own, to press it against his cheek, kiss his palm, feel fever rather than frost, and say what he utterly wants to be said.

then jake takes it back.

“i’m the one who should be sorry.”

heeseung snaps out of his internal turmoil when jake backs away from him, using heeseung’s weak state to evade the older blocking him from leaving. heeseung is too weak to chase after him now, “what…” heeseung fails to have himself in order, “what do you mean?” jake only smiles at him. no, he doesn’t smile like that. it doesn’t reach his cheeks and his eyes aren’t disappearing into adorable lines.

“i’d like to take a walk for a bit.”

“you’ll come back home, right?” home, to their apartment, in their very own bubble hidden away from the world. where only jake exists and heeseung’s feelings for him persists, quietly yet profoundly.

“please let me go, heeseung.”

it hurts.

it hurts.

it’s like asking heeseung to let go of everything that has been true to him in the recent events and it’s just so easy for jake to say it as if jake hadn’t confirmed he wants him back.

am i… are we really not worth the risk?

heeseung deflates. he doesn’t have the energy in him to stop jake any longer. maybe it’s best he lets jake be. he trusts him enough that what he said just now isn’t for the long-term, no matter how much his heart screams for him to get down on his knees and ask, beg, for jake not to leave him, even for a brief moment. he realizes he’s being selfish. so heeseung nods with the little strength he has left. he doesn’t see jake leave, having his back turned to the exit, it would be too painful for him to see the ghost disappear right before his eyes. besides, his vision is blurred by the cloudy becomings of tears along his eyes. he struggles not to stumble on his walk back towards their apartment, hastily and harshly wiping off any remnants of dejection on his face.

sunghoon is still in the apartment, he doesn’t want to involve him with all of this even if heeseung stupidly, carelessly almost did.

“hey,” sunghoon greets him casually, still on the couch albeit very different from how he left him. sunghoon had always been composed after their sessions and heeseung is thankful that he’s unchanged, but compared to a good span of months ago, it is uneasy to have sunghoon alone with him now. what they had wasn’t, isn’t, wrong, but with these vehement feelings flitting through every inch of heeseung’s being… the only right had lately been jake.

“hey, uh, sorry about that,” heeseung apologizes meekly, honestly very not heeseung of him as far as sunghoon knows. “it’s cool, we’re cool, don’t worry,” a gawky laugh comes from sunghoon. heeseung isn’t sure of what comes next, what to say next. the atmosphere is dreadful here and he must look pitiful right now because sunghoon can’t even look at him properly.

“so… your boyfriend?” sunghoon asks.

heeseung bites his lip, “he’s not my boyfriend.”

it’s ridiculous that that response would only be applicable if jake were alive. he makes it seem jake were alive and he hates himself for it. he’s giving himself the pretense of having something more with jake which is impossible in every corner of this world. he doesn’t even correct sunghoon about the implication of an existing person. but the way he spoke of it, sunghoon should know by now that that someone is special enough for heeseung to cut their time short.

what are you even doing just sitting here, heeseung?

“sorry, i need to find him, lock the door on the way out?” heeseung declares as he launches himself off the couch and hurrying to leave. sunghoon gives him a nod, a knowing smirk, brows raised amusedly, “sure.”

👻

it’s been two weeks.

two weeks since jake left.

two weeks since heeseung hasn’t found a trace of jake.

two weeks since heeseung hadn’t stopped looking.

heeseung keeps himself busy with university during class hours, and the hours of the day he has his schedule free, he searches for jake in places. random places, places jake might like, places where jake might be. he wanders around mostly, doesn’t aim for anywhere in particular. maybe along the way, jake will find him instead.

it occurs to heeseung that he’s never really known jake outside of the apartment they share. some bits and pieces of information about jake’s life, sure, but he never asked specific questions like what’s his favorite color, or which café does he frequent (heeseung’s heart gnaws at the memory of their first night together). he had only ever known jake through the quiet moments he would stare at him—always starstruck and speechless, he only knows him when he giggles because of a tv show or a book he’s reading, he only knows him when jake smiles at him when he looks up at heeseung, it calms the tremors inside of him, sending a rush of warmth throughout his systems, into his lungs as he inhales until it tightens so much, all he ever feels is love.

all that and maybe it’s enough for him to say he knows jake. because he feels like home: their apartment number fifteen, lazy mornings, cozy nights, and love.

holy shit, he’s in love with a ghost. what in the casper the friendly ghost type of—

“shit,” heeseung curses as he runs towards the nearest building he could make do. it’s been raining hard the last few days yet he finds himself uncaring of bringing an umbrella with him wherever he roams. he usually finds shelter from the downpour anyway, from small stores to big structures like this hospital entrance he establishes himself in. he’s not too soaked to be uncomfortable, but it is getting a little chilly.

“i never told you how i died.”

heeseung shakes, not from the cold, but from this little twist the universe has granted him today.

“jake,” he whispers, relieved, he can feel the ache thrum over every inch of his body that had been subdued by the weight of jake’s disappearance. he feels like toppling over, he feels like he could cry, he feels so, so much for jake. it feels like coming home. jake is still hauntingly beautiful, like the day they first screamed at each other. heeseung can’t get enough.

“i… might have heard from people about what happened,” heeseung says, volume mindful of being in public. “i asked around. i thought it would help me find you.”

“you found me,” jake says warmly, like he, too, is relieved that heeseung had finally ended their game of extreme hide and seek. or more like jake came out of hiding. whichever the case, heeseung will never again let jake just float out without him having to cry on his knees first because it’s so hard when your love interest is a ghost. no ghosting phase needed since they literally just disappear on you and it’s up to them if they want reappear or say ‘fuck it’ and be on their way to heaven, or complete nonexistence. whatever.

“look at you, my little super sleuth,” jake coos, “but i doubt they know the whole story.”

jake stretches a hand out to catch falling raindrops. they pass through his palm undeterred to make tiny plops on the ground joining the others to create puddles. “i was writing a paper in the university library, i had lost track of time. i realized it was really late, about quarter to nine, when my stomach reminded me i haven’t eaten dinner yet. but i didn’t want to leave an unfinished paper once i get a momentum going so i stayed for another hour to get it done. when i did leave, it was raining hard… like today,” jake had been staring into the sky. heeseung waits.

“come walk with me,” jake tells him. jake leads him into the hospital, heeseung greets the staff with a polite bow when he thinks they’re going to ask where he’s going. well, he doesn’t know where. he doesn’t ask jake, too.

jake continues, “i had to secure my backpack in front of me while i held an umbrella, you could imagine i was struggling. the visibility was low especially when some of the streetlights had malfunctioned. i remember my socks getting soggy, it was not a nice feeling, but i had to keep walking. the rain was so loud—i still hear it in my ears sometimes when i try to close my eyes—i tried to focus on walking and the only thing on my mind was the ramen stash i had back at the apartment.”

jake stops, turns to heeseung, “i didn’t hear the truck coming,” jake sounds so heartbroken.

“i'm sorry,” heeseung murmurs, i’m sorry that the world has been unkind to you. jake shakes his head, smiling wistfully. jake resumes moving, heeseung doesn’t know where he’s taking him. “i didn’t feel any pain, like it had been an instant death. i was grateful that it went by fast ‘cause it wouldn’t have hurt. but then it started to hurt in my sleep. the next thing i knew i was looking down at myself on an operating table and it hurt me where the prodded and poked and placed a bunch of things on me, inside me. my ghost felt it all. that’s why it hurts when we collide sometimes, i think. because i can still feel them…”

jake halts fully this time, by a door to one of the hospital rooms. he looks at heeseung with eyes shimmering with unshed tears and a finger is pointing to the door. to the words written on the door.

intensive care unit

“…because i’m still alive.”

patient: sim jaeyun

👻

heeseung had charmed (re: lied) his way into garnering jake’s mother’s trust who had been inside the room when heeseung arrived. all white lies how heeseung was jake’s friend from the university, how he had heard the news of jake’s accident but never had the courage to visit, how it was a coincidence and a sign that heeseung moved into jake’s apartment, how scarce it had been to find information of jake’s condition and whereabouts. heeseung had to make himself believable because he really shouldn’t tell them about jake being a ghost, it would probably do more harm than good, or they’d think he’s completely lost his marbles. little white lies won’t hurt anyway. right now, his sole mission is to get closer to jake. he even tells jake’s mother to step out for a bit, reassuring her that he’ll watch over jake.

jake’s mother’s stranger danger radar does not work on heeseung’s charm.

it has been four hours since then. heeseung had even fallen asleep as some point caressing jake’s hand. heeseung wakes up to jake and his body (separately) and jake looks at him like heeseung hung all the stars in the night sky. heeseung knows because heeseung looks at him the same way.

“heeseung, you have to go home,” jake says in a whisper. heeseung disagrees with a blatant headshake, “i finally get to hold you like this and you’re telling me to go home? not a chance, jake.”

jake pouts, endeared, “you’ve literally been holding my hand for four hours now.”

“it’s not enough,” heeseung pouts back, jake’s hand is now on his chest, like a little kid refusing to let go of his favorite stuffed animal. jake rolls his eyes at him, “god, you’re so dramatic.”

heeseung missed him so much. the delightful bickering, the subtleness of yearning in each word that lingers in the air; heeseung wants this, wants him, wants him everyday, wants to come home to him, wants to come home with him. so heeseung concedes, “fine, on two conditions,” jake tilts his head to one side. fuck, that’s so cute.

“one, when your parents return from their dinner—”

“you haven’t had dinner yourself,”

“ah,” heeseung gestures for jake to shut his mouth, index finger on his lips, jake glares at him scandalously. heeseung props up his middle finger for two, “two, you come back to the apartment with me.”

why does jake look surprised? “you still want me back?” and why is he using such a cute tone when talking to him now? heeseung could pinch his cheeks! well, he could since jake’s body is here beside him now but he doubts jake would be pleased with that so he settles for a squeeze with jake’s hand instead.

“i want you home, jake.”

now jake is even more surprised, “what the fuck, don’t just blurt out cheesy lines like that! that’s not very heeseung of you,” heeseung laughs. this is fun. teasing jake is so fun because he gets such lovable reactions from him. “i haven’t been very heeseung of me lately, no thanks to you.”

“stop it with the cheesy lines, i swear i will get up and strangle you,” jake threatens, but heeseung keeps thinking that it feels more like a puppy yapping more than anything. besides, jake’s soul reuniting with his body would be a miracle he would willingly pray for, would trade anything for. what he would give to see those pretty brown eyes stare back at him, to see the love seep from the cracks of jake’s honey-colored irises. heeseung feels warm all over.

“you feel warm,” heeseung comments, gaze never leaving jake’s still body, hand clasped onto jake’s own possessively, like jake’s body is going to fade if he doesn’t hold it tight enough. heeseung loves the feeling of jake against him, quelling the thought, the thirst, of what it is like to hold jake at last.

there are multiple machines attached to jake, they beep so much. a lot of lines and tubes connected to jake like they’re external parts of him, as if they’re the ones keeping him alive. maybe they are, heeseung hopes they are. he inspects jake from feet up, it’s very different from the jake he knows, more concrete, tangible… motionless, powerless. jake’s eyelids are shut, breathing mechanical, no indication of movement, of waking up. heeseung wants him to wake up.

“is it insensitive of me to ask if you’ve tried to reclaim your body?” heeseung presses jake’s hand to his lips, murmurs the words onto his skin; dainty yet sturdy at the same time, heeseung wants to kiss it forever.

“i already tried to bring myself back into my body but it’s useless, it doesn’t want to take me back,” jake responds, his voice drips with the fact that he’s tired of trying, “i think, somewhere deep down, i accepted the fact that i was gonna die, that’s why my body rejected me.”

“can you try one more time?” it’s selfish of heeseung to ask, maybe jake had endured enough these months while he is comatosed, the prolonged out of body experience might have taken a toll on him. he wants jake to stay, but even then, it’s ultimately up to fate. fate decides if he stays or not.

“i want to, but it would just hurt me if i get rejected again,” jake is angry and tired and so close to surrendering, “if this is how i’m gonna be for the rest of my life, then i wish they’d just pull the plug out of that stupid machine already.” jake is suffering like this.

heeseung, with all of his strength, his whole heart, grips jake’s hand like he doesn’t plan of letting go, his focus is on ghost jake though. oh, how heeseung prays he could kiss the pain away,

“i love you.”

he confesses, “i love you, and if you choose to rest, i hope you rest with me,” heeseung’s heart hurts. this is him begging to life, to fate, to the universe, to give jake to him, to let him take care of jake in this truly malevolent world that took jake away. is trying to take jake away. he promises to protect jake if they grant him the chance.

please, he asks to no one, to someone up there who might hear, give him to me, i will make him happy.

“i—!” jake’s voice hitches, “you can’t just confess to me that… easily,” jake whines, overwhelmed, “heeseung…” jake whines some more. heeseung chuckles despite his nerves surging as well, ears tingling, reddening, he feels deaf with the love that courses through his body, he hopes love could cure this tragic curse the physical world put on jake’s body.

“i love you,” he confesses again.

he doesn’t wait for an answer, doesn’t need it. he instead asks, “can you try one more time?” heeseung repeats himself, “for me?” jake doesn’t talk but he nods. heeseung knows, jake loves him, too. wants to love him back, too. jake has to overcome this obstacle first. heeseung is patient enough, “only when you’re ready, okay?” jake nods again.

heeseung bids goodbye to jake’s parents, thanks them for the takeout they graciously gifted him. jake waves at them, tells them he’ll visit again soon. it should be funny since jake is technically also on the hospital bed so he technically won’t be leaving, but the scene makes heeseung want to curl up on his bed and sob. but he can’t, he’s content at the moment because jake is leaving with heeseung to go home.

“your mom likes me,” heeseung declares, “you lied to her face,” jake giggles.

the walk home took two hours. heeseung ate his takeout on a park bench, saying he needs the air to settle his frayed brain from earlier happenings. it hasn’t sunk in yet: jake is alive. one detail crucial enough to change the trajectory of the future.

he had been so lost before, thinking that his feelings for jake will all be for naught. how could he when loving jake has been like second nature to him, to bask in the sunshine jake had serendipitously cast over heeseung’s unremarkable living. the only thing that had been interesting enough was his mother’s remarriage and look at where it led him. who knew running away for a childish reason would somehow be the most significant reform of heeseung’s twenty-two-year-old history?

“what are you thinking about?” jake asks. he’s so pretty, heeseung is very lucky to have him on his bed again. “my life, how it changed so much since meeting you,” heeseung answers. he’s so down bad, he craves to feel jake’s touch again. to have him in bed with him, not only to admire with his eyes but with his hands and lips and whole being. “you’re the one i never knew i needed.”

jake snorts, “are you always this cheesy?”

heeseung has had his share of flings that came close to being romantic, but none of them comes close to how disgustingly enamored he is with jake. it might be his first time being in love to this extent, he wants it to be his last. heeseung hums, “to be fair, i haven’t wanted anyone as much as i want you.”

heeseung reaches out to jake, as if he could graze his skin like he had done so earlier. jake is cold now, he doesn’t mind at all. “i have always been meant to sing your praises, my love.”

jake sighs when heeseung says, “i wish i could hold you,” heeseung shudders when jake replies, “i wish you could hold me, too.”

slowly, tenderly, heeseung traces the silhouette of jake’s ghost with his fingers, mapping where jake’s physical body should exist. jake revels at the idea of being loved like this: to be seen when he cannot be perceived, to be heard when everyone else falls deaf to his misery, to be loved like his ghost is not toying with death itself. heeseung’s ghostly touch finds its way to jake’s lips, eyes flicking up to meet jake’s and back down to his supple lips, he voices his desires, “i want to kiss you.”

“yeah? you haven’t even asked me if i want to be your boyfriend,” jake mumbles mischievously, biting his lower lip because he knows heeseung will follow the motion. fuck, the things you do to me.

“do you? do you want to be my boyfriend, jake?”

jake stays silent, like he’s thinking of words that would not hurt heeseung. even if he says yes, heeseung is still bound to get hurt—of the future that is unknown, of what comes after, of how it comes. face to face like this, so close yet still so far, together yet not. heeseung sees jake breathe. “this has been the most horrible nightmare in my entire life. but having you near me gives me a reason to see this through,” there is love with the way jake speaks, heeseung believes this just as much, “when i wake up from this nightmare, i will be your boyfriend, heeseung.”

when, not ‘if’, that is enough reason for heeseung to see this through, too.

👻

frequently, heeseung visits jake in his hospital room. sometimes with ghost jake, sometimes without. on days he doesn’t, jake faux-sulks, seemingly jealous of his own body splitting heeseung’s attention. heeseung reassures him, no matter which jake he goes to, it always means he returns home to him. that is what matters.

“you don’t have to buy flowers everytime you visit,” jake says once they arrive safely in their unit, “plus, they’re not allowed in the room long anyway so why do you bother?”

heeseung is aware that external objects that aren’t medical-related aren’t allowed inside jake’s room since they have to keep it in aseptic conditions and even if the flowers are clean, they still pose risks to jake’s unstable health. he is aware, but heeseung just can’t help it because, “you like the smell,” heeseung catches jake off guard, brows raised like he committed a crime and heeseung caught him red-handed, “you think i didn’t notice you sniffing the pink peonies i got today?”

jake just absolutely refuses to give heeseung the win, “they look and smell pretty, so what?” he huffs, affectionally exasperated. heeseung proceeds to the kitchen, planning to cook something before he heads to class. he checks on jake when he’s gathered all he needs. jake sits on the sofa, mindlessly flipping over some books heeseung managed to collect for him to read for when he gets bored. jake is already minding his own business but heeseung wants jake’s attention on him for the last time before he busies himself, so he naturally has to be a little shit.

“then i’ll keep bringing you flowers,” he whispers breathily beside jake’s ear, jake freezes. “should i get some for home, too?”

home.

jake regains his mobility, pushes himself away from heeseung and if ghosts could blush, jake would be red and pretty and sweet, like a rose. heeseung will have to get red roses for the next time. “go cook your stupid ramen already!” jake is adorable when he’s fuming. heeseung laughs all the way back to the kitchen.

heeseung is just about done with cooking, back turned away from the living room when he hears something clatter.

“heeseung…” jake calls, he calls him weakly. jake is on the floor, he’s not floating, heeseung thinks he had the air punched out of him. “what’s happening…?” jake’s voice is losing volume. heeseung rushes to jake’s side and he realizes jake’s transparency grows hazy, hazier. he’s fading.

“heeseung, i can’t feel my body,” jake sobs, panicked, heeseung can’t touch him.

“heeseung, i don’t want to go,” jake cries, desparate, heeseung can’t hold him.

jake disappears within seconds. heeseung couldn’t do anything.

he sits there. he can’t move, he can’t feel his limbs, his heart is pounding loudly against his ribcage yet he doesn’t flinch to the pain. tears run down his widened eyes endlessly, it feels like he’s not breathing. it feels like nothing and everything all at once. heeseung feels like dying.

👻

heeseung has not left jake’s bedside ever since his ghost disappeared. he only returns to the cold, empty apartment to change clothes, to get ready for classes. he refuses to sleep there even when jake’s parents insist that he rest properly since he’s still attending classes every in between looking after jake. it’s not jake, he tells himself, it’s only a shell.

it’s different this time. jake didn’t walk out on him, jake disappeared right in front of him. where should he start? how should he start?

heeseung isn’t looking so fresh. he’s got bags under his eyes, he got paler, he’s not eating well unless jake’s mother forces him to eat. jake’s grandmother visited today and she convinces heeseung to sleep on a real bed tonight. so he goes back to the apartment, having jake’s grandmother shove still-warm metallic containers filled with homemade hansik onto him to have for dinner. jake is very loved by these people, because they let themselves care for who they think is important to jake, too.

he trudges into the apartment.

the lights are on.

how?

“where have you been, heeseung? i thought your tuesday classes end at two.”

“jake…” heeseung stands there dumbly gawking at jake, jake’s ghost. jake is perched on the kitchen island, swinging his feet repeatedly. he kicks off the counter and he zooms towards heeseung, happy. “did you go study-drinking with your classmates again?” he acts as if nothing went wrong and it bugs heeseung, worries him.

heeseung rushed to the hospital the moment he could move when jake vanished. there he learned from jake’s parents that jake’s heart promptly halted beating and the medical staff had to intervene. all the more reason heeseung didn’t let jake out of his sight. he couldn’t undergo losing him again, even if the body is void of all of jake’s light. heeseung needs to see jake, he can’t take not to. heeseung thought his tears had dried out some days ago, but they aren’t ceasing this time around, “how—where—?”

the ghost’s face contorts into unease seeing him cry, he can’t do anything other than to softly call his name when heeseung crumbles into the floor, it all feels too agonizingly familiar, “you came back,” heeseung manages to cough out in between rough sobs, “you didn’t leave me,” heeseung attempts to calm himself. he’s exhausted, he wishes everything would return to as it was months ago he first moved here or beyond that—before he met jake, or even farther before jake was involved in that accident so he could meet jake in another circumstance, a better one. not here, not like this, where they constantly have to battle every ‘why’, imagine every ‘what if’, and pray for every ‘i wish’.

“leave where? i was here the entire time,” confusion is laced in jake’s voice, concern in his features. heeseung would go through all ends of the earth to find him, yet jake comes back, comes home. they can weather another storm. “no, jake, you disappeared six days ago.”

surprise, fear. jake trembles visibly, “i… i did?” heeseung’s heart breaks for him once more. he can’t explain what had happened to jake, and jake can’t explain what happened to him, too. they’re back at the starting line when all seemed so unbelievably close, like some unknown thing keeps toying with their lives. heeseung is frustrated he could not do anything than see where this leads, experience everything unfold front row, feel the pain firsthand. “you don’t remember?”

jake vigorously shakes his head, tears form on the edges of his pretty eyes. heeseung would give anything not to see him cry from hurting again, “today is monday, love, you were gone for almost a week,” heeseung breaks it to him the softest he can. jake’s tears fall anyway. “i—i don’t… you were cooking, and you said you were gonna leave for class, and then i… i don’t… remember…”

jake cries. so loud, so powerful, small household items start levitating and the space around them quake. jake can’t control his external power, can’t reel it back in. his palms dig into his eyes probably to stop the tears and it must be so painful because heeseung did the same thing for days, too. “i’m sorry, it must have—scared you a lot…” jake pushes his words out, strained, “it must have… have hurt a lot or—or you wouldn’t have cried l—like that…”

“i hurt you a lot, heeseung.”

oh, how heeseung wants to pull jake close and let him feel the beating of his heart. to press jake against his chest and tuck him under his chin so jake can ground himself. it devastates him that he couldn’t, it devastates him more that he hasn’t, not even once, “jake, eyes on me. c’mon, love, i’m here, you’re here. i love you. breathe,” despite his own imbalance, heeseung wants to be the security that jake needs. he has to be strong for both of them especially with jake’s unstable life force unmistakably, gradually reducing.

“i’m sorry—”

heeseung hushes him, “what’s there to be sorry for, love? i know it’s not your fault, we’ll… we’ll just have to figure it out, hm?” heeseung lies, he doesn’t know how to fix it, he doesn’t even know what it is that needs fixing. it has always been the whys and hows, no clue where this begins, where it can end. the one sure thing, though, is that he wants to end it with jake by his side. that of itself is already far out of reach. heeseung ignores another sharp blow to his heart.

“lie down with me?” heeseung offers. they wordlessly step towards the apartment’s single bedroom, where jake’s bed is, and they lie down together. heeseung faces the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stickers look duller in color, he supposes a significant amount of time has passed since jake put them up there. “i want to sleep,” heeseung says.

“then sleep, i will be here when you wake up,” jake replies, he says it like a promise.

“i’m scared,” heeseung admits, “i’m scared of waking up without you beside me again.”

“i will be here when you wake up, i promise,” jake’s words are honeyed but heeseung feels the sincerity, the want, the love that jake wants to convey. “besides, my grandmother gave you her best hansik, i would love to see you eat them.”

“how did you know your grandma gave me food?” heeseung giggles, jake points to his nose. “right, your nose is adorably big.”

“hey!”

they share laughter, heeseung’s eyelids droop from fatigue from the past days. the last thing he sees is jake mouthing some words, heeseung doesn’t hear any sound though, maybe he’ll ask jake when he wakes up later.

👻

“jake hasn’t been well. his doctor talked about the possibility of not being able to bring him back the next time he crashes,” jake’s father pulls heeseung out for a talk when jake’s mother asked to be left alone with her son. heeseung and jake exchange worried glances. jake’s sudden disappearance could be linked to jake’s body on the brink of giving up.

this is better than beating around the bush, heeseung says to himself. jake’s father broke the news instantly, it hurt (as does everything that is related to jake’s condition) but at least he has time to prepare himself. he knows he will never be prepared though, it will hurt one way or another.

jake’s father excuses himself to fetch tea for his wife. jake’s mother couldn’t be consoled from the news and often asks to have alone time with jake.

heeseung and jake sit on the benches outside of his room, neither of them initiate conversation with how thick the atmosphere is, it suffocates heeseung.

“i’m not ready to try again, heeseung…” jake starts slowly, “but i don’t think i have more time.”

heeseung stays silent. he’s honestly drained, he always hopes for the best yet the exact opposite happens. it’s getting worse. it’s getting worse and there’s nothing he can do. it was always out of his hands but being able to hold jake gave him courage to believe for once that something can turn in their favor. believing is the least he could do.

they’re quiet, save for the bustle of the people inside the hospital, it serves as background noise and heeseung is thankful for it because he will drown in his thoughts if there weren’t any. jake’s hands fidget, heeseung sees them in his periphery. jake is restless, keeps waiting for his father to come back or his mother to burst out the door, “hey,” bemused eyes land on heeseung, “is there still something on your mind?”

jake nods, “i do, but i don’t want to make you sad, but i should say it anyway,” his words sound so innocent, full of gentleness and thoughtfulness behind it. heeseung doesn’t mind if jake drops major truth bombs on him, anything hurts at this stage, even love. heeseung wants jake to see the courage in him, despite being worn out at the same time. heeseung wants to remain as his safe space, despite being the war that needed to be won.

“i overheard mom talking about you not leaving here since i disappeared. heeseung, you can’t just neglect yourself. what will you do if i completely d—”

“please don’t say you’re ready to give up.”

“no, i’m just saying if i don’t get out of this mess, and if i truly die, what will happen to you?” i will never trust love again. jake is selfless, he thinks of heeseung first and his own life second, “you have your whole life ahead of you, please don’t throw it all away for me.”

heeseung is selfish, “i want you in that life, jake,” he wants jake to live so he can love him. love him more than this. love him forever.

blaring alarms echo through the previously peaceful hallway where they sit, they’re defeaning enough that heeseung charges inside in panic when he discovers the noise coming from jake’s hospital room. accompanied by jake’s mother’s harsh weeping and a team of hospital staff rushing inside, heeseung puts the pieces together before a nurse comes to both of them and tells them to leave the room, they will do what they can.

the numbness washes over heeseung, like an ice cold bucket is dumped over him and his fingers twitch involuntarily. jake’s mother is inconsolable, but heeseung doesn’t have the energy to do any consoling at the moment. he stands there, unable to do anything yet again while they watch unknown people try to save jake’s life.

next to him, jake’s ghost wavers, some parts of him are more transparent than others. heeseung looks at him. he doesn’t care if he’s looking at nothing that other people can’t see, he doesn’t care if he looks like he’s gone mental, he looks at him as jake fades slowly, gradually. he’s astounded, even after all that there are still tears left to cry, he supposes it’s because of jake, because he’ll always give his all to him. his chest tightens and his lungs run out of oxygen, his lips move before his brain tells them to, please don’t go, please don’t leave me, he prays, begs. to jake, to someone who might hear, to someone kind enough to grant him his selfish wish.

“and i want you even in death,” jake’s almost-nonexistent hand hovers over heeseung’s. it’s cold, like it always is when flesh and spirit meet.

but it’s so, so warm, too.

it’s warm because jake chooses to stay close to him in his final moments. it’s warm because jake’s smile is heart-wrenchingly beautiful, one that reaches the apples of his cheeks and crinkles his nose, it’s warm because jake says, “i love you, heeseung,” he evanesces until only his memory is etched in heeseung’s mind.

i know, you already told me the other night, right, jake?

in heeseung’s mind, the world stops…

yet the alarms of jake’s mechanical attachments do not cease.

👻

the bell rings when he steps inside the shop. it smells lovely here, the aromatic redolence of different flowers flow through heeseung’s nostrils, giving him a pinch of nostalgia when the scents hit his sense of smell. he peeks around, spring has been here for a few months now and it’s a booming business for the flower industry. a rainbow of colors is a feast to heeseung’s vision, but he focuses on the pinker parts of the shop where they house pink versions of peonies, lilies, and roses. he would have loved it here.

“hi, i’m here for the bouquet i called in earlier, under heeseung,” heeseung greets the receptionist, a teenage boy he’s been familiar with from his numerous trips here but doesn’t know the name of. at this point, heeseung is too afraid to ask. “and one under min yoonji?” he’s unsure of the second one, mrs. min just told him to get the bouquet she bought, too.

the boy nods wordlessly, going to the back of the shop to fetch heeseung’s orders. the boy comes back with a tiffany blue bouquet-in-a-box first with elegant white roses organized inside. this must be mrs. min’s; hey, props to her, she’s got style. then the boy returns with a large white-wrapping bouquet arranged with pink flowers that smell pretty.

“uh, the flower arrangement is kinda wonky since i was the one who made it and not sunoo,” heeseung has no idea what a sunoo is but as a loyal patron here (not loyal enough since he doesn’t even know the shopkeepers obviously), he knows that there are two: this one who looks like a cat and the other one that smells like toothpaste all the time, “but i hope you still like it.”

heeseung studies the bouquet. it does feel a tad off but that may be from being used to the other florist’s technique, it’s still carefully-done though so he stuffs fifteen thousand won into the tip jar like he does weekly.

“sunoo is the one that smells like toothpaste, right?”

“probably because he likes mint chocolate.”

“oh… ew.”

“that’s not very nice of you, and you’re a hyung,” the little cat boy snarls.

“and you are?”

“jungwon.”

“like… garden.”

“yeah?”

“you are aware this is a flower shop.”

jungwon rolls his eyes, “my dad owns it,” heeseung makes a silent ah with his mouth and jungwon scans him from head to toe, repulsion present in his cat-like face. “you’re, like, being super judgy. i don’t like you.”

the door swings open and the bell chimes once again, it’s the toothpaste boy. “hey, wonie, they ran out of kraft so i went with—oh, it’s the judgmental hyung, hi!” sunoo points at heeseung with a happy grin. he hears cat boy snicker.

“it’s heeseung and i'm being singled out. now if you’ll excuse me, i have somewhere to be,” heeseung sticks his tongue out at both of them and leaves. poor customer service. recommended. will definitely come back.

the sunlight feels warmer now that summer is around the corner. on his right is hangang park. it gives a totally contrasting qi in the daylight summer sun. he would have loved it here, too. heeseung recalls the early winter when it was just starting to get cold and rainy, they took a walk around hangang park after his classes. it was kind of like a date, but what more could he have done when the date in question was literally a ghost. ghosts can’t do much, honestly.

when he arrives, heeseung places the bouquets on the ground. “hello, love,” he greets, kneeling before his beloved. he takes a brief minute of silence as he takes in the view. “i’m a bit late since i had to stop by the florist’s again. mrs. min got you a bouquet, too. it looks nice, but not as much as mine. she doesn’t know you like pink.”

“oh, i also got a doggy collar for layla since your mom said she chewed on her old one,” heeseung shuffles through his satchel, “i bought it in pink, too. i’ll give it to your mom when they get here.”

it’s been a crazy ride knowing jake. he did not expect for his life to turn upside down when he moved into the apartment; he did not expect to meet a ghost, let alone fall in love with one. but knowing jake had been a catalyst to turn his boring, earthly life into a great few months of adventure, happiness, love he thought he was too young to experience, yet he fell head first and got dragged with by the ankles. he also found a family in jake’s, they practically adopted him after all that happened.

and he really thought he was going to finish college like a normal twenty-two-year-old would.

he is replied with silence. he’s not used to it since jake has always been a yapper. maybe he’ll never get used to the quiet and he’d always want to find the sound of jake; the distinct clamor in his movements, his voice, his laughter…

he sighs, getting up. he should prepare before jake’s family arrives. he scours through the bags to unload necessary items, filling the air with noises of his own. the flowers still lie on the floor, they look pretty next to jake.

“i brought some other things as well,” heeseung finishes unpacking, “now stop acting like you didn’t hear me or i’m gonna have to tickle you and kiss you stupid while we’re at it.”

jake stirs in his (fake) sleep. blankets rustling against the sheets and he groans, stretching. “i’m trying to sleep, heeseung. the meds they gave earlier made me drowsy as hell,” jake complains.

heeseung will never get used to this, though.

jake bathed in sunlight streaming from the open hospital curtains giving him a natural glow. he is inherently rosy, has an almost unnoticeable blush on top of the constellations of freckles dotted on the surface of his porcelain skin. he’s not deathly pale nor transparent anymore; he’s alive and human, semi-healthy—recovering, real, and in love with heeseung.

“nuh-uh, pretty boy, you have to eat. it’s nearing noon,” heeseung got jake takeout because he’ll go on and on about how hospital food makes him want to die and heeseung chokes because that’s the last thing he wants jake to do… again, “or do you want to eat the hospital rations instead.”

jake shakes his head like a wet puppy trying to dry itself, “please tell me you brought wendy’s,” heeseung learned recently that jake does puppy eyes as second nature; heeseung is just a weak man. he’s learning more of jake’s quirks now that he’s tangible, such as reading his collection of physics books as a hobby, having ice cream as his favorite treat, getting fussy if he can’t take his naps, etcera. and this is just a taste of how complex jake is as his own person, there is so much more to discover about jake, heeseung is beyond grateful he has forever to take it all in.

“your doctor will kill me if she finds out i'm giving you junk,” heeseung scolds but he hands the takeout bag from wendy’s anyway. at least he eats something than none at all, he supposes. jake points to the bouquets on the floor, “i want them, too.”

jake is so beautiful, even moreso surrounded by flowers. flowers from heeseung. heeseung feels giddy all over. jake stops, sets aside everything on his bed except for the pink bouquet. he takes an indulgent whiff, stuffing his nose on the peonies, squishing his face on them. “i love them,” he says, muffled, “thank you,” he takes an appreciative glance at heeseung, it beckons the older to come closer.

“i love you,” jake says, resting his head on fifty pink flowers. heeseung kisses his forehead, “i love you, but you have to eat so you can sleep.”

jake’s family comes not long after jake had his lunch and had fallen asleep on heeseung’s chest. they find heeseung humming a lullaby and jake half-asleep with a smile on his face, safe in the arms of the one he loves. it was a rollercoaster getting here but every tear shed, every painful tug of his heart had been worthwhile.

after heeseung saw jake’s ghost for the last time, jake’s body struggled for two weeks of intensive monitoring just to make sure he won’t crash again. it had been a miracle he survived the last one but because jake’s ghost was nowhere to be seen, heeseung had fallen victim to his emotions once more.

please don’t throw it all away for me is what jake said. so heeseung had to get better for himself and for jake who’s holding on, fighting for his life on that tiny hospital bed. and after another two months pass by, jake wakes up on his own, his body progressively not needing the plethora of attachments anymore, nurses take them apart one by one. it had been nothing grand, it has been baby steps towards full recovery, and even until today jake is still confined in the hospital, but he moved from intensive care to just a regular patient for monitoring. all the while heeseung was present and patient and now he gets to embrace jake like this. everything that happened seems to be a fever dream.

“love, my lease on the apartment is expiring soon,” heeseung whispers on the powdery-scented crown of jake’s hair, “would you like renew it with me?”

when jake nods, heeseung could not control the satisfied grin that forms on his face.

끝

👻

“you never told me your mom married a japanese,” jake says, scrutinizing the thirty by thirty-six wedding portrait that hung on heeseung’s family home living room. it’s a little pretentious to have such a large picture of themselves but heeseung shrugs it off because he learned to mind his own business, plus he didn’t live here anymore so he does not have a valid opinion.

would jake want a big wedding portrait hung on their living room wall, too?

heeseung just grimaces. jake continues to hop over each picture frame beneath the frame on the shelves, “and you didn’t know you have a kid stepbrother?” he asks when he lands on a picture with heeseung’s mom’s husband carrying a toddler in his arms, it was unmistakably taken in japan. “i do, i just don’t see the appeal of telling you.”

“i like kids,” oh my god, jake likes little kids. mommy—

“do you wanna make some now? my bedroom is sound—ow!” a football hits heeseung on his back, he turns around to see the perp standing in shock like he didn’t mean to. well, maybe he really didn’t. “serves you right,” jake blows a raspberry at him.

“hello, what’s your name?” jake asks the little boy in japanese (heeseung is gagged—) who responds shyly, “riki.”

“hi, riki, do you understand korean?” riki nods. heeseung doesn’t remember the kid being like this, he was loud and rowdy as hell. “oh, that’s great! my japanese isn’t very good,” jake stoops down to make eye level contact with the boy, jake offers his hand for a handshake. bashfully, riki accepts, holding jake’s hand and he says, “you’re really pretty,” tone starstruck.

jake giggles, “y’know, you may not be blood-related but he’s already becoming you in some ways,” he tells heeseung.

heeseung hands the ball back to riki, riki takes it and runs away, probably because his face is redder than a tomato because of jake. heeseung gets him. jake wraps his arms around heeseung, tiptoeing a bit to rub their noses together. shit, jake smells so good, lavender and powder, heeseung wants to bury his face on his neck. “shut up,” now heeseung is the one getting shy, how could he not when jake practically eyes him with twinkles in his eyes, adoration implied in every blink.

“make me,” jake whispers against heeseung’s ear. heeseung quivers, holds onto jake’s waist tighter, “that a challenge?” it’s a game they play, outseducing each other but then when it gets a litte too much for public perspective, they giggle and pull away. jake pulls away first, already missing the warmth of their bodies pressed closely together, “maybe later, baby, your mom and redacted are coming here.”

the shift in heeseung’s mood is instantaneous, he was hoping he could prolong meeting with the guy. his mother and her husband are approaching from upstairs, riki must have called them.

heeseung’s hand intertwines with jake’s when he feels the younger stiffen. heeseung’s mom has a knowing smirk on her face, “mom, hyung, this is jake, my boyfriend,” heeseung proudly declares. his mother welcomes jake with a hug and a peck on the cheek, she ushers them to a table of pastries and drinks, heeseung’s mother immediately steals jake away from him and initiates conversation, his stepfather busy with feeding riki. heeseung just sits there and ponders, this is his life now, it’s nice-ish. he looks at jake, then it’s a fifteen hundred percent whole lot better.

“so, how did you two meet?” heeseung’s mother asks.

they exchange looks and they burst out laughing, heeseung doesn’t miss a beat when he says, “it’s a long story…”