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When Astarion, Halsin, Lae’zel and I went to confront the Elder Brain, none of us expected what would happen when we first faced it. We did not know that the Crown of Karsus had so thoroughly influenced it as to change it entirely, that Netherese magic had caused it to become virtually indomitable, and that it had developed itself into a “Netherbrain”.
I failed to dominate it when the time came, it was too powerful. The Emperor was forced to pull us into the prism at the last minute to prevent the Netherbrain from crushing us. We also needed the time to regroup. I knew then, as I laid eyes on the imprisoned Prince Orpheus for the second time, that the opportunity to free him had finally presented itself. When I looked at Lae’zel, I could see in her burning gaze that she had the same idea.
I knew this would mean choosing to betray the Emperor, though I never truly wanted that; they may have tried to use and deceive us during our time together, but it was thanks to their intervention that we were able to get this far in our journey. The Emperor was more forthcoming with their plans and information once I discovered they were a mindflayer, but I can’t really blame them for being afraid to trust us with the truth in the beginning, given the circumstances. Part of me still hoped there would be some way to salvage the allyship even after freeing the prince.
However, even though the Emperor was not the one who imprisoned Orpheus in the prism, it was clear that they never intended to help or free him, nor feel any guilt for their exploitation of him and his powers. I hate this whole situation, and I wish it didn’t have to be like this, but no one deserves to be held hostage in this way. Orpheus has been locked away for too long and he needs to be released. I must trust that Lae’zel and Voss are right, and Orpheus will ally with us once his chains are broken.
Our plans were solidified when the Emperor announced that they intended to consume Orpheus in order to assimilate his powers; they could then leave the prism and face the Netherbrain with the rest of us, and use the Netherstones themself. Lae’zel was livid, and made it clear that this could not occur, and I agreed. I told the Emperor that there was another way; we would free Orpheus, and face the Netherbrain together with him.
It is hard to say what the Emperor felt in that moment, if anything; they urged me to once again remember all the times they had helped me in the past, and again impressed that the githyanki could not be relied upon. But the decision had already been made, and it was evident that we would stand on opposite sides of the approaching final battle. The Emperor decided to leave to join the Netherbrain soon after this, much to our chagrin, but it was too late to turn back. We had chosen our side, and the time to free Orpheus had come.
Upon being freed, Orpheus said with much hostility, “You reek of illithid, and you slaughtered my honor guard.” He looked down at us in contempt. Reluctantly, he said, “Nonetheless, it seems we must be allies.” This would not be an easy or particularly friendly partnership, but these were desperate times.
Lae’zel approached Orpheus, saying “Your Majesty. The Prince of the Comet, Gith’s true heir. It is an honor.” She bowed her head slightly.
“Do not patronize me,” Orpheus said with disgust. “You rejected the illithid when it no longer suited your needs. No doubt you freed me because it suits you now. I will neither forgive nor forget your abuse of my powers.”
I spoke up, “This may not have seemed the first opportunity for us to free you, but we had not yet acquired the Orphic Hammer the last time we were here, nor had we found another way back inside the prism until now. I regret killing the soldiers that had been guarding you before, but it was necessary to ally with the Emperor up until now. We were misled, and did not previously know the full details behind your presence inside the prism. We had no choice. Without your powers, we would have died.”
Orpheus looked at us skeptically. “That is true, and death would have been the honorable outcome for one destined to become ghaik. You had the opportunity to surrender yourself to my honor guard. They would have given you a noble end and freed me, and I would have stopped the elder brain before it evolved into a Netherbrain. All that suffering – avoidable. Were it not for the choices you made.”
I returned Orpheus’ skeptical look, albeit a bit repugnantly. There may have been a few other emotions flickering across my face, as well; I was having a lot of mixed thoughts about this conversation. Chief among them were horror at the solution being to lay down and die, and also wondering at his ability to somehow free himself now - even if we had submitted to his honor guard - when he had been unable to free himself previously for however many years he had already been imprisoned here. I decided not to voice these thoughts, however, since they would not be relevant or beneficial to the more important and pressing conversation we were having now.
Instead, I said, “I understand, but let’s put that behind us, for now. Meanwhile, the Netherbrain is executing the Grand Design. How do we stop it?”
Begrudgingly, Orpheus said, “I suppose I am obliged to overlook your transgressions for the sake of our aligned goal. We will destroy the Netherbrain together, and put a stop to this nascent Empire before it expands into the stars.” Here, Orpheus paused before continuing. “The ghaik was correct about one thing – the Netherbrain’s power is beyond us. The hardest metal in the world would not cut through its mind, for it is made of thought itself.”
Orpheus glanced away, then looked back at me, fixing me with a hard stare. “At this point, it will take an illithid to unleash the full potential of the Netherstones,” he finished.
I could only stare at him in response, mouth slightly agape. I didn’t quite understand what he was telling me. “It sounds like… you’re saying that someone will need to turn into a mindflayer.” But that couldn’t be it, could it? There’s no way…
“I am.” Orpheus said simply, staring back at me.
My companions were very tense behind me, exchanging glances with each other. My partners, Astarion and Halsin, were particularly anxious. How could we have come so far…?
I was staring off into the distance now, brows furrowed, processing. The horror of the idea was unreal. We had made it all the way here, we had freed Orpheus…!
I suddenly snapped my gaze back to Orpheus, realizing he was still waiting for an answer. “No, there surely… there has to be another way?” I asked in disbelief, searching his face.
“There is not,” Orpheus said, huffing. “We face a Netherbrain. For there to be one way to defeat it is unlikely enough. There will not be another.”
I could tell that Orpheus’ patience was growing thin and time is short, but this decision…! Attempting to keep my emotions in check, I finally, quietly said, “This isn’t an easy decision. I- I need a moment to consider it.”
“Consider, yes. But know that the answer is already foretold. This is the only way to stop the Grand Design.” Orpheus paused again, then said more meaningfully, “Whatever prevents you from doing what is necessary – face it, overcome it. Return to me when you are ready.”
I looked into the face of Orpheus, deep into his eyes. He stared back at me, his face a hard mask. I then looked at the faces of each of my companions, Halsin, Astarion, Lae’zel. Their expressions probably mirrored my own, although they all seemed to have multiple emotions flashing over their faces all at once. I recognized fear, horror, sadness and disgust, just to name a few. Lastly, I looked down at my hands. My eyes traced lines, creases and scars on each of my fingers. Would this be the last time I saw my own hands as they are now?
I buried my face in my hands. Why – How had it come to this? We fought so hard to get here! We beat the odds, again and again! We defeated Ketheric, Gortash, Orin, Viconia, and Cazador, among others! I swore I would never become a mindflayer, so how could I possibly choose to become one now? But if I don’t… who will? If I refuse, and there is truly no other way to defeat the Netherbrain, does that mean sentencing someone else to become a mindflayer instead? How could I ask that of someone? Orpheus, the lost githyanki prince, finally freed from his years of imprisonment just to be forced into a new kind of prison in an illithid body. Or my companions… I love and cherish them all, I couldn’t bear for any of them to be faced with this choice.
So that means… oh gods… it has to be… me, doesn’t it? It really does have to be my sacrifice to make. To save everyone else, and all those I love. To save Lae’zel and the rest of the Githyanki from Vlaakith, and to save Baldur’s Gate… it has to be me... that becomes a mindflayer.
I scrubbed my hands down my face, looking down at the ground, and at my feet inside my boots. I wiggled my toes around, before taking a deep breath and gathering the courage to look back up. I needed to tell my companions about my decision, and I wanted the chance to say one last goodbye to my partners. My beautiful, wonderful, handsome partners. Breathe. You can do this. You’re not going to cry. You can be strong! You have to be strong, for them.
I finally lifted my eyes from the ground, seeking the eyes of Astarion and Halsin. I knew they could see the sadness in my face, and then I saw the moment they each registered the resigned resolve in my gaze.
Halsin’s face fell almost immediately, and an air of melancholy overtook him. Astarion searched my face for a few moments more until he finally saw it, and when he understood, he looked anguished. My heart was breaking more each second, splintering into a million pieces.
“NO!” Astarion screamed, rushing towards me. “You can’t do this, you are not doing this!” He squeezed my shoulders so tightly I swore I could feel his nails through the leather armor I wore, but I just continued to stare at him. He continued, “No, no, no, there has to be another way, something we haven’t thought of yet! We could… we could go back and get Gale! Or, or, better yet, we could find one of those hundreds of people we helped on the street and get one of them to do it, right? I’m sure we can find someone else who’s willing to become a mindflayer for the cause! It shouldn’t be too hard, we have time!” Astarion started tugging my hand but became more distressed when he saw I made no attempt to move my feet to follow him.
“Astarion.” I softly called his name and he somehow managed to look more devastated than before.
“No, please,” Astarion pleaded. “Please don’t do this. We had time! I’m finally free, and I know what I want now.” Astarion’s hands came up to grip either side of my face. “You said you would stay by my side and support me! You don’t have to be the good one, you don’t always have to be the one to sacrifice yourself, let someone else this time! There has to be another option! I don’t want to lose you, please, please…” he trailed off. They all knew when I had made a choice, it was nearly impossible to change my mind, and it was too late to convince me otherwise now.
There were a thousand knives piercing my heart, and this whole interaction was killing me, but it was necessary. A sacrifice was required, and I wouldn’t ask anyone else to make it. I loosened Astarion’s hands from my face, kissing each, and I moved them both down to my waist. I then brought my forehead to rest against Astarion’s, my hands now on either side of his face. We were both struggling not to cry.
“Astarion, my love.” I whispered to him. “You put the stars in the night sky for me. You put the moon and the stars to shame. You may not feel like it, but you bring so much love and joy and light into my life. I love you so, so much, my darling.” I pulled away slightly to kiss his cheek. “I’m not leaving you, but I’m not going to let y0u or anyone else make this choice for me. Someone must, and time is short, so I will – no matter how scared I am. I’m not sure how different I may be after, but know that I will never stop loving you and that we ARE going to win this.”
I stared intensely into Astarion’s eyes as I held him close for what might be the last time. I am not sure if it was he who was trembling, or I was, or both of us together. But I needed him to know and feel just how deeply I cared about him before it was time.
My lips collided with Astarion’s, my arms encircling his neck. I could feel Astarion pressing my body closer to his as our lips brushed roughly together. We clung desperately to each other as our hands frantically moved up and down the other’s bodies, trying to memorize each other one last time.
As our movements slowed, I gave Astarion one last hard kiss before finally pulling away. “I love you, my little star,” I said as we gazed at each other mournfully. I squeezed his hands in mine.
“And I love you,” Astarion replied, before unwillingly letting me go.
I withdrew from Astarion, sending another longing glance in his direction, before finally turning to Halsin. His eyes were rather easy but painful to read. The mixture of affection, heartache, and… awe? were nearly overwhelming.
For a moment we said nothing, merely staring at each other, taking the other in. I finally drew close and Halsin laid a hand upon my cheek. I leaned into it, and covered his hand with mine. There was so much to say, and yet… no words to say them.
Halsin spoke, “Part of me wishes to dissuade you, or to look for another solution… but I know that there is not.” He furrowed his brow, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Are you sure that this is the path you wish to take?”
I smiled sadly, “Of course not, but it is the choice that must be made, and a path that I must take. I will not allow someone else to go in my place.”
Halsin returned my sad smile, then slid his hand around to rest on my neck. He guided my face towards his, and he, too, rested his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes.
“You continue to amaze me, my love,” Halsin breathed. I took a moment to take a deep breath in, inhaling Halsin’s scent for what may be the last time. We breathed together for a few seconds, and then I drew back slightly to speak.
“Halsin, my heart.” I smiled up at him. “I know that is your pet name for me, but I hope you don’t mind my calling you that in return.” Halsin smiled back, hand cupping my face again, thumb stroking my cheek.
I continued, “I never knew just how much love I could experience before I met you, and what I was missing. To love so much, and to be so loved in return. You opened your heart to me, and you opened my eyes to a world full of new possibilities. That love is a very precious gift to me, and I will forever cherish it. Thank you.”
We stared into each other's eyes for a few moments, just drinking each other in. I heard Orpheus make a noise like a harrumph behind us, and suddenly remembered where we were and what was happening. I glanced in Orpheus’ direction, then turned back to Halsin, smiling a little sheepishly. All of the tension of the day was back, but I still wanted my proper goodbye.
Somewhat shakily, I asked Halsin, “Can I have one last kiss? For luck?”
He chuckled once under his breath, and said, “Of course. But it shall not be the last,” before drawing me in.
Halsin wrapped his arms around me before crushing me to him, his lips hungrily kissing mine. My feet lifted off the ground and Halsin held me in mid-air as our tongues and lips danced together passionately. I held onto his shoulders as I struggled to keep my lips moving and remembering to breathe during these final seconds. I wanted to memorize how everything feels in this moment, so I have something to hold on to.
Halsin set me back on the ground as his grip loosened and our movements gentled, and we held one last solemn, lingering kiss before pulling apart. He spoke, “we shall triumph. Our time together does not end here.”
My arms circled his back again in a tight hug as I felt the apprehension creeping in once more. I uncertainly whispered, “Do you think we can win?”
Halsin rubbed up and down my back, replying, “I know we can. Think of all that we’ve already survived. Our foes should quake to see us approach them.”
I smiled, breathing in one more steadying breath to calm myself before stepping away from Halsin, only holding on to his hands. “I love you,” I said as I looked up into his eyes again with new determination. Halsin’s steadfast gaze helped bolster me as I squeezed his hands one more time.
“I love you,” Halsin said as he squeezed my hands back, before releasing me.
I finally turned away from Halsin and my other companions after a final, hard look, and approached Orpheus once again. He did not appreciate being made to wait so long, but I knew he was more than ready to hear my answer.
“I trust you have weighed your options and reached the only honorable conclusion.” Orpheus said. “Are you ready to transform?”
I took another deep breath and squared my shoulders. “I’m ready.”
Orpheus looked me up and down again before the expression on his face changed. I would almost say it was an expression of admiration or gratitude, were it not for the circumstances of the day and his being a githyanki. But no matter.
“It seems I misjudged you. You are capable of sacrifice.” Orpheus spoke again. “The Netherbrain wants nothing more than to see all infected become ghaik. My defenses keep the voice of the Absolute out, but just as I can raise them, so I can lower them. I will allow the voice of the Absolute in. Once it reaches you, it will order you to transform. It will only take a moment. And once you are a mind flayer, I will fold you under my protection once more.”
Orpheus paused before continuing with an almost reverent air, “You will be the savior of empires, not least my own.”
I listened to Orpheus and nodded again, then looked back at my companions one more time. Lae’zel. Astarion and Halsin. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Orpheus make some movements with his arms and step back as his power withdrew from me.
I closed my eyes and then I transformed.