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You remember the first time you slept with Bucky. It wasn’t something that bothered you in the moment, but you had made some sort of comment about his ‘bush’ afterward. He had frowned at you and asked what you preferred. You had shrugged and told him you were fine with it, that if he liked it that way he should keep it.
The second time you slept with Bucky a few weeks later, he was completely smooth. You had given him a smirk and shown him pleasures one couldn’t usually get with a full bush.
It would be a while after that before the next time you saw him. He kept in touch with you over text messages and the occasional phone call, but he was too busy to stop by your place for a little fun.
That’s all you two were, after all. You’d met in a bar one night. There had been something between the two of you, something you could never put your finger on, really. You had taken him home that night and he had shown you a whole new meaning to the term ‘super soldier.’ He’d been gone by the time you woke the next morning, though he’d left you a note with his phone number on it.
Let’s do this again, doll
Bucky
You had chuckled and shook your head. You had no intention of actually using the number he had given you, but one night you were alone at home and the demons in your head were winning. You didn’t want to be alone, but you were in no shape to go out and find someone else to bring home.
So you texted him, told him who you were. Asked if he was awake, if he was busy. His response was almost immediate. He was awake, he’d typed, and not busy at all. Did you want him to come over? You had hesitated, tear tracks still covering your cheeks but you had told him yes and immediately dropped your phone and went to wash your face.
He didn’t need to see you like that. It was just sex. Fucking amazing sex. And oh, it was amazing that night, too. You liked the smoothness that he had gone for this time, teasing your fingers over the soft and sensitive skin when he wasn’t balls deep inside you.
After that night, the two of you talked every day. Not always on the phone, but at least through text messages. Sometimes it was just one or two, especially if he was on a mission, but you heard the special text tone you’d given him at least once a day.
He made you laugh, made you smile. He flirted with you; called you ‘doll’ or ‘sweetheart.’ You were glad he couldn’t see the way he made you blush sometimes. You loved when he was naughty over text, but especially on a phone call. The tone his voice took on when he was telling you all the things he wanted to do to you the next time he saw you made your entire body hot.
But you were only sex. There was nothing else between you, no matter how much your stupid heart might wish otherwise. Nothing past the way you could make each other feel in your bedroom.
“Hey, doll?” he said to you on the phone one night. He sounded nervous, and you frowned a bit.
“What is it, Buck?”
“I, uh,” he hedged. Bucky never hedged. And he was never nervous. You sat up straight on your couch, your heart beating a little faster. Was this it? Was he going to tell you that he couldn’t be friends with you anymore? Wait…when had the two of you turned into friends? You were just someone he fucked occasionally, right?
“Is everything okay?” you asked, trying to keep your own nerves out of your voice.
“Yeah! No, everything’s fine, sweetheart. I just wanted to ask you something.”
“Okay…so ask, Buck. You’ve never been shy about asking me anything before,” you chuckled softly. It had always been easy to talk to him. Questions, stories, jokes, everything had flowed as easy as water through a sieve. But not this. Why?
“What are we?”
The question, that question, made you stall. Neither of you had ever put a name to what you were, and you had never planned on bringing it up. You had convinced yourself that you were just sex to him, ignored how easy it was to talk to him, how your heart lifted when his ringtone came on.
“Um…” It was your turn to hedge now. “I…wh-what makes you ask that?” Maybe if you got a little more context from him, you’d know better how to answer without risking losing him.
“I was…talking about you with Sam the other day,” he began. A small thrill ran through you. He talked about you to his friends? “And Sam asked me if you were my girl.” His voice had gone quiet on the other end of the phone.
“O-oh,” you breathed, hesitating to answer. Never once had you entertained the idea that you were anything more to Bucky than sex, not really. You may have hoped, in the depths of your heart, but you never assumed anything. He was Bucky Barnes, the White Wolf. You were no one. “Bucky, I-”
“It’s okay,” he interrupted you. “You don’t have to answer. I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry.” He spoke all in a rush and you tried to stop him, but he wasn’t listening to you anymore. “I’ll talk to you later.” And with that, he hung up.
You stared at your phone for the longest time after that. You felt numb. Your brain was short-circuiting. Did…did Bucky want you to be his girlfriend? You must be dreaming. There was no way that could possibly be true.
Taking a deep breath, you tried to call him back. He didn’t answer. He always answered your call. You tried again, and again. The third time he didn’t pick up, you left him a voicemail.
“Bucky, talk to me. Please. Don’t shut me out.”
You didn’t know what else to say. You were too scared now to text him, unsure for the first time since you had met him if he would even respond.
******************************
“Aren’t you gonna answer that?” Sam asked the next day when they were eating breakfast. You were trying to call him, again. But Bucky didn’t know what to say to you now. To answer Sam, he just shook his head.
“Why not? Isn’t that her ringtone? The girl you talk to all the time?” Sam pressed.
“Butt out of it, Sam,” he said roughly, shoving another slice of bacon into his mouth.
“C’mon, man. It can’t be that bad. What did she say?” Sam grinned at him, and Bucky knew that he wouldn’t let this go until Bucky gave him an answer, or punched him.
Punching him was looking like the better option more and more. But since Steve was…gone, Sam was the one he was closest to. He sighed and sat back, having no taste for the rest of his breakfast.
“She didn’t say anything,” Bucky said quietly, replaying the conversation in his head.
“What do you mean, she didn’t say anything? You asked her, right? She had to have said something,” Sam stressed. That was the one thing Bucky hated about Sam. He pushed and pushed until he got the answer he wanted. Steve…Steve always gave Bucky the space he needed to figure it out himself.
But Steve wasn’t here anymore and Bucky didn’t know how to deal with women in this more modern time.
“She asked what I meant, and I told her. She said ‘oh.’ And then I told her that she didn’t have to answer and I was sorry for asking.” And then he had hung up and hadn’t talked to her in days. He’d listened to her voicemail over and over, though, his chest hollow. Why would she want anything to do with him, besides what he could give her in the bedroom? He was a mess, and his history left much to be desired. He understood, in a way. The Winter Soldier didn’t deserve a woman like her. She was beautiful, inside and out, and he loved her.
But she didn’t feel the same, and he would just have to deal with that. He didn’t need confirmation from her, and he didn’t know why she kept calling. There wasn’t any reason to keep talking, right? He wanted more from her than she was willing to give, and he would never force anyone to do something they weren’t willing to do. Not when he was in his right mind.
“Bucky. Get your head out of your ass and answer the fucking phone. You barely gave the girl a chance to speak from the sounds of it, and it seems to me like she wants to talk to you about it,” Sam scolded him.
“I don’t need to hear her say the words, Sam. I got the picture from the tone in her voice. She doesn’t want me like that. Now leave it the fuck alone,” Bucky said through gritted teeth, slamming his hands into the table and standing before walking away.
But…he left his phone behind. Sam smirked and grabbed it, picking it up as soon as it rang next.
“Hello and thank you for calling the asshole’s phone, this is his much better looking and much more agreeable friend Sam! How can I help you today, beautiful?” he said, not bothering to modulate his volume.
Bucky had almost made it outside the kitchen when he stopped dead. Turned around, and gave Sam a glare that would have killed him if he had that power. “Hang up,” he mouthed.
“No fucking way,” Sam mouthed back, waiting for the woman on the other end of the phone.
You were stunned into silence. Sam? Like…the new Captain America Sam? Former Falcon? Your mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out at first. “U-um!” you said finally. Elegant. Real fucking elegant. “H-hi.” Really, you were astonishing yourself with your eloquent speech.
“Hi, baby,” Sam chuckled. “Sorry that asshole, I mean Bucky, hasn’t been picking up the phone. He finally told me today what happened.” Bucky lunged for Sam, but Sam’s training had made him quicker. He grinned at Bucky as he dodged the former Winter Soldier.
“Oh,” you breathed. “So…he really doesn’t want to talk to me?” Bucky’s enhanced hearing picked up the devastation in your voice and it made his heart ache. “Tell him….tell him I’m sorry for bothering him. I won’t do it again.”
Before Sam could say anything else, you had already hung up. Sam sighed and handed the phone back. “See what you did? All you had to do, dumbass, was give her time to answer the first time. Would have saved both of you some heartache, and me a headache. Now you have to figure out a way to fix it.”
Bucky clutched the phone so hard that he heard the plastic whine in protest. “I can’t, Sam. She deserves better than me,” he said. “I’ve got too much baggage. She doesn’t need that. I fucked up what we had because I let myself hope. Because you told me I could! And now I’ve lost her completely because I wanted more than she was willing to give me. Leave it alone, Sam. Leave her alone, and for God’s sake, leave me the fuck alone, too.” And with that, he turned and stalked back to his rooms.
******************************
You threw your phone onto your sofa and went into your bedroom. You would let yourself have this, this one time to break down. This one time to let the tears stream freely down your face while your stupid hopeful heart shattered into the tiniest of pieces.
Stupid, you were so stupid to have thought that he would want you like that. Clearly you had been wrong before. He didn’t want you to be his girl. He had only asked to make sure you two were on the same page. That you hadn’t developed feelings for him. Even without saying so, he had heard it in your voice you supposed. Heard the stupid hope that you had tried to keep out of your voice.
You stayed there in your bed, crying into your pillow and torturing yourself by reading over the texts between you. Every endearment he called you, every compliment he gave you, it was all another dagger to your chest. More tears spilling over your cheeks, and more self-degradation for ever believing, even a little bit, that you would ever be more than sex to Bucky Barnes.
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Not for the first time in the last few weeks, Bucky stared at his phone. He had finally deleted your voicemail, and then had immediately regretted it. Would he ever hear your voice again? Not that he deserved to. He didn’t deserve anything from you, he never had. He had been lucky for what you had given him.
“Man, I’m tired of looking at your brooding ass,” Sam said with a sigh.
“I’m not brooding,” Bucky insisted.
“The fuck do you call all this moping around you’ve been doing? An Edward Cullen impersonation?”
Bucky frowned. “Who is-”
“Don’t ask. I shouldn’t even know who that is.” A shudder passed through Sam before he focused back on the problem at hand. “You need to talk to her. And actually talk, not assume things.”
“You heard her, Sam. She doesn’t want to talk to me,” Bucky tried to brush him off.
“That’s not what she said. And she only said that because you refused to talk to her. So maybe if you’d pull your head out of your ass and go fucking talk to her, the two of you could resolve this.” Sam crossed his arms over his chest and glared at his friend.
“No. I’m not going to bother her anymore. She deserves better than me,” the brunet insisted.
“Fine, then gimme her number. Maybe she’ll wanna be my girl inst-” Sam was interrupted by a fist in his face, knocking him to the floor.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” Bucky growled.
Sam only grinned at him from the floor. “Then go get your girl, man. At least talk to her. What do you have to lose now?”
Bucky’s shoulders fell. Sam was right. If he didn’t want anyone else to have you, he could at least talk to you one last time. At least make sure you really didn’t want him like that. He glanced at the phone in his hand, but decided he didn’t trust himself on the phone with you again. He needed to see you in person.
******************************
You were lounging on your couch, popping candies into your mouth while you watched some stupid show that you weren’t really paying attention to, when the knock came at your door.
“Who the fuck…” you muttered to yourself before getting up. You peeked through the peephole and gasped, jerking back. No fucking way. There was no way that Bucky Barnes was standing at your door. What the fuck could he want? Hadn’t he made himself clear enough the last time you had called him?
You looked down at yourself and cursed inwardly. You looked like a slob. Definitely not the way you wanted to look if you ever saw him again. You tried to back pedal, to maybe run to your room and change into something less sloppy.
But his voice came through the door. Your name on his lips. “I know you’re there…please. I need to talk to you,” he said. He sounded like he was in pain. You felt a twinge in your chest at that but you shook your head and grabbed the door handle. With a deep breath, you opened it.
Bucky was not prepared for the way you looked. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or pain on your face, or some combination of both. But seeing you again took his breath away. Regardless of the emotion on your face or the pajamas you wore, you were still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
You stood back from the door and crossed your arms over your chest. “You said you needed to talk to me. So…talk,” you told him, waiting expectantly. You hated how handsome he looked. How just seeing him made your heart ache and race at the same time. Stupid. “Talk, or I’m closing the door again.” You looked down at the floor, not able to keep looking at his stupid gorgeous face.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and stopped. You risked a glance up at him, confused.
“For?”
“For not letting you speak the first time. I should have given you the chance to…to say what it was you wanted to say. I should have answered the phone when you tried to call me. But…I need to know… What were you going to say?” You stared at him then, your mouth hanging slack.
“I…wanted to tell you that you deserved better than me,” you started, then held up a hand when it looked like he would speak. “Don’t. You said you wanted me to tell you, so let me tell you.” You paused for a moment, until he nodded for you to continue. “I should have let it go. Should have let you go on believing that I didn’t see you like that. That I didn’t want you like that. But now you’re here…I can’t. I need you to know how I feel.”
“I don’t know what love is,” you told him, “and I’m not saying that I’m in love with you.” His expression became empty then and you shook your head. “But I will say that these last few weeks of not talking to you, not hearing your voice… They’ve been nothing short of torture. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, both emotionally and sexually.” You gave him a tiny smile at that. “And even if you don’t want a relationship, I can be happy with what we had. Just… Don’t shut me out again, okay? I don’t think I could bear it.”
Bucky stared at you. Stared for so long that you were sure he just didn’t know how to turn you down easily. “It’s okay, Bucky, if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay. It was…fun while it lasted.” You couldn’t stop the sigh from leaving you as you went to close the door, but his vibranium arm shot out and stopped it.
“Don’t! I mean… I don’t want us to make the same mistake again. You surprised me, that’s all. I didn’t expect for you to feel the same way I do,” he said softly.
“Bucky?” you asked. “You…you feel the same?”
His lips slowly turned up into a smile as he nodded before he stepped into you and caught your face in his hands. “I don’t know what love is either,” he breathed, bending closer to you. “But I’d like to explore this with you.” His lips met yours then, and you melted into him. You slid your arms around his neck as you kissed him back.
You barely noticed when he began walking you backward into your apartment, one arm blindly shutting the door behind him. “Need you, doll,” he murmured against your lips.
“I’m yours, Bucky,” you promised him between kisses. “All yours.” You gasped softly when you tripped backward onto your sofa, Bucky catching himself on the back of it as he smiled down at you.
“And I’m yours,” he said before pulling his shirt off and reaching for yours. You grinned back at him and yanked your shirt off before sliding your hands over his chest. “I missed you, so much.”
“I missed you too,” you said, pulling him down for another kiss as he groaned. “Don’t be gentle, Bucky… I need this as much as you do.”
He didn’t say a word after that, only smirked and yanked your pajama bottoms off along with your panties. You giggled softly and watched him finish stripping. “Mm, not shaved smooth this time, I see,” you teased.
“Do you like it?” He asked, slightly nervous of your answer.
“Bucky, I like you. Everything about you. Hairy, smooth, trimmed. You could stop working out and let yourself go and I would still feel the same way about you because you would still be you.” You cupped his face in your hands and kissed him sweetly, gently tugging him until he was laying over you on the sofa. “Now give us what we both need.”
He stopped talking then, kissing you as he slid his hands over your thighs. He tugged them up to his hips to open you up to him before sinking his length into you. You both moaned at the feeling of finally being connected again.
“So good, sweetheart,” he breathed, trailing kisses down to your neck. “Feel so good inside you…”
Words were lost to you as you felt him stretch you out. You could only moan your agreement as he moved, rolling his hips as he found his rhythm. Your arms slid around his neck, your fingers sinking into his hair until he hit that spot inside you. You cried out then, nails digging into his back as you arched under him. “There!” you managed. “Right there, oh!”
Bucky smirked and repeated the movement until he had your body trembling beneath him. “Cum for me, sweetheart, need to feel you cum for me,” he mumbled. Your breaths grew short as you got closer to your orgasm.
His name fell from your lips brokenly the closer he drove you to your peak, until all you could do was scream your pleasure as your body clutched him in its grip. Barely a second after your climax started, Bucky hit his as well. He buried himself deep inside you as he came, his hot seed filling you up.
You could feel him twitching inside you as you slowly came back to earth. “Bucky,” you breathed, weakly holding him close to you.
“Perfect,” he murmured. “You’re perfect.” He slid his arms under you and held you close, pressing his face against your neck. “Can…can we promise…not to do that again?”
You chuckled breathlessly and teased him, “I hope you mean the not speaking to each other for weeks, and not the amazing sex.”
He laughed and nipped your neck lightly. “You know what I meant, doll.”
“Of course I do, handsome.” You smiled and brushed a stray hair from his face. “And yes, I think we can promise not to do that again. The sex, though… I may need this more often. Once a week, at least.”
“Once a week?” he asked, pretending to be shocked before he smirked. “I hope you’re good with at least once a day. With the exception of when I have to go on missions, of course. I don’t want to go a day without seeing you again.”
You blushed at that and nuzzled him. “I’m more than good with that, and I don’t either. You’re mine now, James Buchanon Barnes, and I’m yours.”