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“…You know, you almost died trying to save me. I really want to do something to thank you.” Gabrielle muses, gazing upon the brunette like she puts the stars in the sky for no one but her and as if she’s got exactly what it takes to compete with it. Confident, yet so incredibly soft.
Xena, who isn’t exactly used to being shown gratitude or even being appreciated quite like by Gabrielle, isn’t really sure how to respond to such an offer. Part of her wants to just shrug it off and tell her that oh, it was a piece of cake; that she knows she would have done the same had the roles been reversed. However, a different part of her wants to seize and revel in everything granted by the blonde. Whether it’s her presence alone, her adorably virtuous optimism or the way she chooses to thank her for saving her life, she always finds it hard to turn her down… But she has a heart to guard, a reputation to uphold and a friendship to maintain. She cannot let herself ruin something so extraordinary over a little itch in her chest…
“Farewell my warrior chums!” Joxer suddenly hollers, interrupting the silence that had started to grow palpable between the women, before he leaps into the woods behind them.
“You just did.” Xena states, ignoring the little voice inside her begging ‘let her’, ‘she only wishes you well’, ‘put the sword down for once.’… Instead, she turns to begin the search for a spot where they may put up a camp before the moon comes out of hiding. Now when Orpheus has been reunited with his body and lyre, it should be safe enough to sleep under the stars after all. Gabrielle follows right behind,
“He’s a funny guy, that one..!” The blonde smiles, shaking her head as they all climb the steep path through the forest.
“That’s one way to describe him…” Xena mumbles, pulling a reluctant Argo along over the snarly roots, sticks and stones. The mare isn’t very enthusiastic about the idea of staying out among the trees tonight considering this afternoon’s commotions, despite trusting Xena like she trusts her. She would have prefered to accompany Joxer in sitting this one out, alas, she can’t leave her warrior alone out here with no one but that loquacious little blonde to come to the rescue was anything to happen. The girl could barely carry Xena’s one leg if need be…
After numerous scares, gigantic leaves and dead branches punched out of the way, they finally slow down in front of an enormous fir tree quite far off from the road. Xena takes a look around; scanning the surroundings for threats or danger before leading a handful of green branches aside, revealing a dim, spacious hideaway nested around the old tree’s core. Gabrielle gasps in awe.
“This should do.” The brunette states and drops her belongings where she stands, “Argo, I’m sorry girl, but you’re going to need to stay outside on guard tonight. Not that you will sleep much either way…” She cocks a brow and throws her big friend a knowing look. The horse nickers disapprovingly.
The blonde has made herself at home in the mighty tree’s embrace before Xena has even had the chance to make Argo comfortable and bring the last of their chattels with her into the shelter, and has already prepared it by rolling out the pelts on the ground and lit a small fire right below an opening in the crown. It doesn’t surprise the brunette the slightest when she eventually joins her,
“Something’s missing, don’t you think?” She says, making doe eyes dart up in a confused manner, “…Where is the chandelier, the family portraits, the house cat—“
Gabrielle’s face drops when she realizes Xena is mocking her and her attempts to make it homey. The taller woman suppresses a smirk.
“If pinecones, rain and mosquitoes suit you better I’m sure Argo won’t mind the company. Or the bacchae, for that matter..!”
“Gabrielle…”
Xena makes her way into the hut, crouching, not to get her hair caught on the coniferous ceiling and eventually plops down next to the blonde. Eyes meet.
“You didn’t need to do this.”
“What?” The younger woman frowns, turning entirely to face her, “You think this is me showing my gratitude?”
Xena simply cocks a brow in response. Then it’s silent. Gabrielle’s eyes have averted and are now looking at the fire burning hot before them. It cracks and it sparkles, setting the mood for what’s about to fall off her tongue,
”You know… When I got turned into one of them; into a bacchae, I felt an urge to hurt you. A desire stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before, almost.” She admits, ”It scared me because it felt familiar somehow… Like it resembled something else I’m used to feeling but back there, I couldn’t help but act on it even though I knew it was wrong. I’d never—”
She cuts herself off and Xena watches her shake her head lightly as if she’s said something she shouldn’t have.
”I asked you to turn me. You didn’t hurt me, you did what was asked of you.” The brunette reassures, before cracking a mischievous grin, “On the contrary, I actually found the biting part quite thrilling…”
“I noticed…” the blonde half-whispers the words heavy with anxiety and as she does, it hits Xena like a freight train:
Gabrielle feels guilty. She feels like it’s her fault that this might change their relationship; like she left Xena without a choice. Like she forced it on her without meaning to. Dark brows furrow,
“Listen,” she husks, cupping the younger woman’s cheeks before running her fingers through her golden hair, “Nothing is ever going to change what we have. Not even the gods could convince me you’re someone I wouldn’t want to have around till the end of time. We get through these things together, no matter what happens between us.”
“I know.” Gabrielle mouths.
“Come on,” Xena tilts her head and a warm smile spreads across her face, “a little taste has never hurt, eh? Now, speaking of, help me get this plate off my chest so we can bring out the dinner… I’m starving.”
The blonde crawls around her to help remove the armor and once the sturdiest parts have been detached and put aside, she carries on correcting and pulling at the remaining pieces of leather in an attempt to enhance her friend’s comfort. And it does. Xena lets out a content sigh from having her sore skin so tenderly tended to. Only Gabrielle has ever done this much for her; cared for her like she deserves it. She is the only one who has not wanted to hurt her for all the misery she caused in the past… Except when she’s been under a spell, that is.
Xena breaks the bread she has brought with her from the saddle bag and hands half of it over to Gabrielle. It takes a minute for her to take it since she’s busy scavenging through their other belongings in search of the fruits and cheese that she stole from the Philistines a couple of days ago. Xena throws her an eye in the meantime.
There’s a question lingering on her mind that she isn’t sure is appropriate to ask. She doesn’t want to bring the subject back up, knowing it makes Gabrielle anxious, but she can’t seem to get it out of her head no matter how hard she tries. Even when the blonde turns back around, catching her staring, curiosity is about to get the best of her but the younger woman interrupts her by speaking first,
“I know you prefer the red ones, but I gave all of them away to the young men in the dungeon…” she says and hands her a green apple, “The cheese is your favorite, though!”
Xena just smiles in response.
Neither of them waste any time to dig in and once there’s nothing but crumbs and apple cores left of their provisions, Xena leans back onto her hands, forces a loud burp through the entirety of her system and looks at the blonde who chuckles and shakes her head. Xena’s manners could be those of a Princess but most of the time they were those of a drunken old man… Gabrielle would never complain though. It only proves that she’s more than comfortable in her presence.
"Content?" She asks. Xena is about to nod but the gesture is quickly replaced by a wince flashing across her features and a hand that comes up to massage the base of her neck. The younger woman takes it as she definitely needs another pair of hands and appears behind her faster than the brunette can comprehend. The first squeeze around her muscles releases a guttural moan from the pit of her stomach which makes it tug at the corner of Gabrielle’s mouth and naturally, as tension leaves her body, so does the question…
”Hey… When you said you felt an urge to hurt me, you said that it was almost the strongest feeling you’ve ever felt…” She suddenly drawls while the blonde keeps kneading.
“Yeah.”
”…So what’s the strongest?” She asks, turning her head just enough to see the edge of her silhouette. She just cannot think of anything worse. Except to kill her, of course, but for some reason she doubts that’s the case… It takes a moment for the answer to come,
”The opposite.”
Oh.
As casually as possible, Xena turns back to face the campfire. She blames its flames as well as the massage for the sensation that comes rushing to her head as the words reach her ears. Deep down she already knew, but having Gabrielle admit it and so boldly has made things different now. The truth is suddenly present in the room with them instead of hiding at the back of their minds and she isn’t sure how to greet it.
Gabrielle is young. Almost a decade younger than herself, which is one of the reasons Xena has kept her hands to herself all this time. She is so inexperienced; So out of touch with the reality that is born from the demise of curiosity. So oblivious to the fragility of novelty and so hungry for something she has never even had a taste of, because of nothing but traitorous temptation. She is blissfully unaware that unraveling each other to the core is irreversible and how when you fall for someone, just like from a steep cliff, there’s no way of getting back up.
She doesn’t want to lose Gabrielle to a moment of foolish desire. She doesn’t want to lose her at all but at least she can protect her when they engage in battle; against danger and other people. She can come to her rescue in every other situation imaginable, except this one. Who is gonna protect her from her growing inability to resist? From something that has them both in a chokehold with a steel grip?
Just as Xena is about to change the subject completely in order to rid the atmosphere of tension, she gets her hair swept from one shoulder to the other and an arm carefully wrapped around her waist. It cancels her plans. Instead, she finds herself frozen and tightly shutting her eyes closed as Gabrielle’s breath suddenly tickles her neck. Breasts get pressed up against her back and when the hand on her stomach begins sliding south, she slams one of her own on top of it, making it come to an abrupt halt. Gabrielle can feel her draw breath as she does so,
”Tell me you don’t want to and I'll stop…”
Xena hesitates to respond. Gods, she wants nothing more but something tells her that it’s on her to prevent this from going too far.
“…Why are you scared?” She asks then, innocence dripping from every word of the sentence, “It’s not like it’s your first time…”
“You’re right,” the older woman mumbles, lowering her gaze as the younger woman’s hand retires back to safer territory, “That’s the problem. I’m familiar with the new knowledge lurking past this kind of intimacy. It’s inevitable whether or not you want to believe it right now.”
“You think I’m naïve,” The blonde decides. The brunette sighs,
“That’s not—“
“—But the truth is, I will always love every version of you. In every realm and in every life. You don’t have to be afraid that anything will change in my eyes because even if it does, I will still feel the same about you.” Gabrielle reassures and it actually manages to pull at Xena’s hardened heartstrings, “I don’t wish you to ever stop surprising me. In fact, that’s one of my favorite things about you.”
Xena throws her a glance over the shoulder,
“You mean too much to me to feel like it’s worth the risk, Gabrielle…”
“And you mean too much to me to bear the thought of never getting to know all of you.”
Xena falls silent. She knows that feeling oh so well, but she’s afraid that’s exactly what is going to be the end of them. That she is going to be deceived by her own emotions, despite being so highly aware of them. Discipline is not nearly as strong as need; it doesn’t take much for it to crumple under the weight of something you really, really crave… Not even if you are Xena, once the destroyer of nations.
Slowly, Gabrielle tests the waters anew by sliding one of the brunette’s shoulder straps along and off the left shoulder. Her free hand snakes over the right one, down over her collarbone and towards the soft skin on her chest by her heart. The older woman takes another deep breath. This time in an attempt to regain control over her senses since she can feel herself getting closer to giving in for each second that passes…
“Please,” the blonde sighs hungrily, “…Let me show you my gratitude.”
From the chest, her hand goes straight up to cup Xena’s jaw; thumb resting against her cheek, making them almost face each other as she guides her head to turn ever so slightly. Once more, she presses her front against her back and holds her as close and tenderly as she possibly can, eventually causing the older woman to writhe in her embrace as she struggles to deny the way it makes her feel. Gabrielle knows it’s just a matter of time before she is convinced and carries on nuzzling the side of her neck; hot breath dancing across prickled skin until it reaches her ear,
“Do you remember…” she murmurs, voice timid like the sun at the brink of dawn, “what you said when I had you in my possession back at the cave..?”
Xena remains silent but the blonde knows she has unlocked the memory and that it’s currently playing on her mind. She then lets her hand fall to wrap around her throat, making dark lashes flutter as rationality and self control leaves her the way the leaves leave the trees at the beginning of fall… She knows at this point. She knows that she has lost.
"Gabrielle…” she pleads in a faint whisper before finding herself repeating the words she had uttered within the walls of Bacchus’s cave. However this time, much, much gentler… “do it.”
And so she does. She leans in and presses a warm, soft kiss to her neck and receives a shuddering sigh of instant relief in response, then the lust spreads like wildfire.
Xena turns around, and without wasting time whatsoever, she captures Gabrielle’s lips with her own in a longing, careless manner. Like she’s been starving for this her entire life. Gabrielle can only follow, and follow she gladly does. When the brunette grabs a fistful of bright locks and pulls her to the front, she hurries to slip a leg over hers and take a seat on her lap while lips remain locked together. Once the taller woman feels the extra weight on her, she makes them part with a wet, delicious sound to look at the woman before her.
The blonde’s lips are plump, flushed and moist by her doing and the sight makes Xena bite down on her own. Gabrielle tucks an ebony strand behind her ear and sinks impossibly closer against the thigh between her legs. The brunette lets out an almost impressed sigh at that. Blondie really knows what she wants, huh?
“How far do you think friends can go before they become something else..?” Gabrielle asks, subtly grinding into the brunette where she sits. Glacier eyes fall from heavenly blues back to the lips she already misses having against her own.
“Who is to define us anyway?” She husks before impatiently kissing her again. A kiss which the younger woman smiles into, until the older increases the pressure against her core, making a moan shoot through her vocal cords without permission and shock even herself. Hands grasp a steady hold of hips already rolling to aid them as the kisses deepen. Hair is getting pulled at and breaths are hitching until Xena notices Gabrielle discreetly pushing the front of her skirt in between them. Her cheeks are flushed and the brunette figures she’s starting to feel ashamed of how evident her arousal has become.
”No,” The older woman demands in a mellow tone and snatches the skirt towards her, making her slick center reunite with her bare thigh once more, “…That’s not necessary.”
She pulls her closer and Gabrielle throws her arms around her neck to hide her face in the crook of it. She can feel herself spill all over the other woman’s skin as she gets her every curve felt up and worshiped, which comes as a surprise to her. She has never felt like this before; never had her insides feel this way. Warm and aching so carnally... It makes her feel vulnerable on another kind of level. One that she realizes she would never want to be with anyone but Xena.
Just as another wave of pleasure ripples through her body, she sits back up and takes Xena’s face into her hands,
“I need more of you…”
It’s a frail confession being spoken into the half-open mouth before her. Xena swallows it before watching those pleading eyes fall closed out of pure overwhelm and she savors the sight; gloats over her accomplishments as she feels the blonde’s essence quite literally seep down the side of her thigh.
Just as Xena pushes Gabrielle’s skirt up; hand traveling flat along warm skin all the way until it reaches her groin, a loud noise absolutely startles them. It is Argo uttering an alarming neigh, sparking a worry within both of them that they may have got uninvited guests… Xena curses under her breath and Gabrielle quickly stands to allow her the space to go check it out.
The brunette soon disappears out through the rough branches but before the blonde can join her; be ready to have her back as always, she needs a moment to gather herself. While she tries to catch her breath, she also tries to process the taste of Xena’s lips still lingering on her own and manage the persistent throbbing between her legs, but it proves harder than she had imagined.
She remembers the day she met Xena for the first time. How she longed to live a life as adventurous as hers. How much she yearned to accompany her on her journey through the lands like she was destined to do so and yet, it is new to her to be as desperate for something as she is in this very moment. She would give up her soul to have Xena in this way forever. She would fight Ares and Hades to the death and beyond if necessary. Nothing in this world has her enamored quite like this warrior princess and she wouldn’t have it any other way… But does she feel the same?
Ever since that first day, Gabrielle has been the clingy one. The one that insists on always being around even when it isn’t required or even remotely safe enough for her to tag along… She has considered that perhaps it’s just her exceptional way with words that is the reason she manages to convince her the majority of the time. Perhaps Xena just cannot be bothered arguing and simply just lets her. After all, she knows she can protect her with little to no effort, no matter what they face and those conversation skills do come in handy from time to time… But does she want her? Does she feel these things that Gabrielle does? Now that she watched her scurry away without hesitation, she cannot help but feel that this was probably no more than a casual thing to her, and that the only reason she has been granted the privilege of this evening is because most of the brunette’s previous partners happen to be dead…
A long couple of minutes later, Gabrielle appears outside where the older woman has already confirmed it to be a false alarm. Thankfully, there is not a single being except for the three of them in these parts of the woods. Argo just seems to have a terrible sense of humor… or maybe it’s a lack of manners. Either way, Xena isn’t very amused. She spins around as she notices the new presence and to her pleasant surprise she finds Gabrielle, standing with a hand holding her skirt to her inner thigh, looking like she’s hoping her help is not required… for obvious reasons.
“You alright there, madam?” She teases.
“Xena…” she whimpers, but before she can continue, the taller woman walks over and wraps an arm around her.
“Come on, let’s get back inside.” She muses, “Argo won’t be seeing any apples in a while…”
“Xena, I—“ the concern in her voice makes the brunette slow down and look at her, “This is a lot. I’m not used to all these… emotions. You however, seem so, I don’t know… indifferent.”
“Oh I’m just performing my duties, you know, so that we don’t die. Now, where were we..?”
Xena leans in but Gabrielle stops her by grabbing a hold of her arms and averting her gaze with a heavy frown on her face. It has the brunette taken aback to say the least.
“What’s wrong..?” She asks, searching her eyes in an attempt to figure out what she’s thinking, though in vain. The younger woman inhales sharply and holds the air briefly before speaking,
“Am I just… another to you?” She asks, eyes finally meeting. The unprovoked question almost makes Xena forget how to speak. Why would she think such a thing?
“No,” She shakes her head gently. Shakes it again, even, “No, not at all. I’ve told you… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“What about your past lovers? Hercules? Marcus..?” She asks and Xena strokes her arm, “You certainly loved him. I’m sure you enjoyed being intimate with him..?”
The brunette tilts her head and purses her lips in a empathetic manner,
“If I had met you earlier, it would have only been you,” She assures her, “But I can’t change my past for you, Gabrielle… Even if I wanted to.”
Different shades of blue exchange glances, until Gabrielle finally nods in a way that is supposed to signify acceptance but Xena is not so sure she has understood…
“Come,” She repeats and pulls her along by the hand back into their safe space still glowing warm with the light from the flames. She leads her over to the pelt and urges her to sit before joining her. Gabrielle throws her a glance, anxious for her to elaborate.
“Listen… You learn and realize a lot from experience throughout life. It’s inevitable. But you got to go through it to get there. That’s why I’ve been scared of being your first…”
Gabrielle blinks.
“You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t realize how much growth and knowledge will change you until it already has.” She explains, “I’ve been afraid it will make you hungry for more; For different things. For men out of curiosity once you’ve tried women, for someone that isn’t me once you’ve done me and there are no firsts for us left to experience…”
“Oh Xena…”
“You think it’s a bad thing I’ve been with people before you? Having done so is how I know what I want. It’s the reason I’m choosing to be with you.” She frowns, “The others simply led me to you.”
Gabrielle is silent now; looking at the brunette like it has finally started to make more sense to her. However, that doesn’t exactly make her feel better,
“You don’t think I consider you enough for me?” She says as if it’s all she got out of everything that she said. Xena remains patient, closes her eyes and shakes her head,
“No. I’m saying there is no way for you—or me—to know until you’ve come out on the other side. It’s just the natural course of things.” She shrugs, before her gaze falls to her hand now resting atop the blonde’s knee, “I just have to choose to trust you, and… be ready to let you go if need be.”
“What do you mean by ‘let go’..?” Gabrielle almost sounds offended as the question leaves her mouth. She doesn’t blame her.
“If you truly love someone, you will let them go if their heart desires something you cannot provide.” She clarifies, “I will always want what’s best for you, so, I want you to know that I will if I have to.”
“But Xena, I—“ she tries but Xena cuts her off by pressing a finger to her lips.
“It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
The younger woman wants so fiercely to defend herself. She wants to come up with an argument that proves her wrong; that makes her understand what she feels for her, but at this point she actually understands where she’s coming from and what she’s saying. She has even realized that she is right. There is no way of knowing these things… But of one thing she is certain,
“…It’s not all about intimacy, though.” She states after a couple of minutes of heavy silence and turns to look at the brunette whose attention she has clearly caught, “there is so much more to us, don’t you think?”
“Gabrielle, I’m not saying that is all we are...” She says, glaring.
“No, but you’re claiming it would be reason enough for me to leave you if I find that kind of desire elsewhere at some point.” She counters, “What about the love we share now? What if I told you I’m in it for this? For the adventures—we can never run out of those, now can we? For the stories. You are my muse, you know? For the greater good, living and growing with you. You’ve taught me most things I know about the world. By the gods, you even taught me how to defend myself so well I barely have use for you anymore and you think I would leave you for a stitch?! That I’d get tired of our entire life together because I don’t get to shag a bunch of different people?”
Xena’s eyes are wide now and if it wasn’t for the last sentence that suddenly makes her snort, she would’ve thrown her a much softer glance. Instead, she lets the unexpected amusement on her face falter, leans in and gives her a peck on the mouth and as much as Gabrielle would have wanted to insist that she is serious by keeping a straight face, she couldn’t stop the giggle that escapes her even if she tried…
”Let’s get some sleep, shall we?” The older woman purrs and Gabrielle cannot think of anything she would want more than to cuddle up in Xena’s embrace between the furry pelts right now. The good old. The usual. The familiar.
“Yeah… On one condition. That you promise you won’t even dream of letting me go.” The blonde says, looking at her pleadingly now, “I want you to know that you can trust me, not think that you have to…”
Xena gazes at her lovingly and Gabrielle finds it ironic that those icy blues warm better than the fire…
“I do trust you. I always have and you know it.”
The younger woman takes a moment to let the words sink in properly; break down the wall of worry and defense before she dares believe them. And once she does, she cracks a crooked smile.
“I know.”
Ten minutes later, the fire has burnt out, the silence settled like a blanket over the forest and Gabrielle now lies nestled in Xena’s arms, clinging onto one of them like she’s afraid she might leave her while she sleeps. She drifted off a while ago, unlike Xena who is still awake, combing through the bright locks that are falling loosely into the fur between them with the tips of her fingers… Slowly. Repetitively, until a tear drops onto the back of her hand. Then she pauses.
Trust has always been hard for her. She has always believed that people can’t be trusted, no matter who they are. That trust is for people who are in desperate need of hope and those who choose to be dependent on others. The only good that’s ever come out of trust in her experience are lessons learned, such as knowing who to not trust in the future and that once broken, it can rarely be rebuilt. Then Gabrielle came along…
It was like she had fallen from the sky. Never had she come across someone so honest and sincere; so pure, innocent and full of wonder. She trusted Xena blindly. Xena thought it was foolish. Cute, but definitely based in ignorance and she thought that sooner rather than later, she was going to realize what kind of a person she actually is. How different they are from each other and what a mistake she had made when she decided to come along with her.
Soon enough she would indeed come to learn about the tragedies; The atrocities committed, the bloodshed and toxic divinity still pulling at her limbs, trying to convince her that all she’s good at is destruction and war… But even then, despite concluding that she stands on the brink of surrender to her battle wounds, Gabrielle chose to trust her. She believed in her; that she could overcome it all and leave the past behind. She saw the good in her even though there wasn’t much left of it and if it wasn’t for her, that spark would’ve never caught on fire and turned into this flame in her chest now softening her frostbitten heart.
Another tear emerges from arctic depths before it hits the ground. Not much makes her cry, but Gabrielle somehow manages as if melting glaciers is what she was put on this earth to do and even if it were to make the oceans rise, she would trust her until the currents take them under.