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Buck wanted it on the record that he was not snooping.
He was trying to find a recipe that he had found a few days ago and had forgotten to save. He just wanted to make something different for dinner. He wasn’t expecting this.
Buck stared at the iPad in his hands, thoughts whirling around his skull so fast he couldn’t grasp one. Of all the things he was expecting to see in the Diaz search history, “am i gay quiz” was not one of them.
He needed to sit down.His head was spinning. Why was Christopher googling that? Why wouldn’t he just come to him or Eddie? Christopher knew Buck was bisexual. He had sat him down and explained shortly after Maddie and Chimney’s wedding. And Eddie had been nothing but supportive, so Chris should’ve known that that wouldn’t have been a problem either. Eddie was an ally for Christ's sake!
Buck tried not to be hurt. He tried to put himself in Christopher’s shoes. If he had discovered his attraction to men when he was younger, would he have talked to anyone about it? His parents were a no go, but would he have reached out to Maddie? Or would he have tried to figure it out on his own?
Sighing, he rubbed his face. He had to talk to Chris. He needed him to know that he could talk to him. Even if Christopher didn’t come out to him, Buck wanted to show his support.
Making up his mind, Buck stood up and walked to Chris’ bedroom. The door was shut and he could hear the sound of a video game from behind the wall. He knocked quietly.
“Come in!”
Buck carefully opened the door and stepped inside, “Hey, I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something.”
Christopher glanced at him for a second but returned to his game, “Okay.”
Sometimes Buck had to remind himself that Christopher was a teenager now. He was growing up before his eyes and wow, Buck did not need to cry right now. He cleared his throat and took a seat on the bed. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” Chris said, still focused on killing the bad guys on his screen.
“So, if you think you might be gay, you can talk to me about it. I kind of know a thing or two about it,” Buck joked, trying to lighten the mood.
This time Christopher actually paused his game and turned to stare at Buck. “Buck, what are you talking about?”
He blinked, “Your google search history. I saw the am I gay quizzes you’ve been taking.”
Christopher looked even more confused, “That wasn’t me.”
Buck stared at him. If it wasn’t Chris, and it obviously wasn’t him, that only left one other person who would have had access to the Diaz iPad.
“Hey, I was thinking we could order pizza unless you were planning on cooking, Buck,” Eddie said, walking into the room.
Christopher and Buck gaped at him, both of them connecting the dots in their heads.
Eddie looked between them, looking a bit uncomfortable, “What?”
Buck recovered first and shook his head, trying to clear it, “Yeah, pizza sounds great.”
Eddie studied him for a few more seconds before nodding, “Great, I’ll go place the order.” He hurried out of the room.
Buck turned to Christopher, “Not a word.”
Chris stared up at him, “Not a word.” He went back to his video game.
Buck couldn’t stop thinking about it.
He tried to. He really did. He tried to push it out of his mind and forget it ever happened. Obviously this was something Eddie didn’t want him to know. Didn’t want anyone to know.
But why wouldn’t he want him to know, god damn it! If anything, Buck was the only person who should know. He was Eddie’s best friend, wasn’t he? They told each other everything! Why wouldn’t Eddie tell Buck, his bisexual best friend, that he was questioning his sexuality? Did he not trust him? Was he embarrassed?
“What did that sandwich do to you?” Hen’s voice cut through his thoughts.
Buck looked up, “What?”
“You’re glaring at that sandwich like it insulted your family.”
He blinked and then looked down at the sandwich he didn’t realize he was holding. Sighing, he put it down on the plate. “Hen, can I ask you something?”
She raised an eyebrow, “Should I be worried?”
He shook his head, “No, it’s just…” He paused, wondering how he should word it. "What would you do if you found out something about Chimney on accident and he doesn’t know you know but he also hasn’t brought it up and it’s something you think he should talk to you about?”
Hen didn’t answer for a few moments and Buck considered jumping over the balcony just to escape this conversation. He shouldn’t have brought it up. He should’ve kept his stupid mouth shut.
“So let me get this straight,” Hen started. “You found out something about Eddie and you want him to come clean about it. Am I getting that right?”
Buck narrowed his eyes, “I don’t appreciate how quickly you figured that out.”
Hen laughed, “Buck, we’ve known each other for almost a decade. I know how your brain works.” Buck grumbled but she continued. “How about instead of waiting for Eddie to approach you, you initiate the conversation?”
“But then he’d know that I know.”
“So you’d rather keep this secret to yourself for god knows how long just so Eddie doesn’t know that you know?”
“Yes.”
Hen rolled her eyes and stood up, “Okay, well, good luck with that. I’d say let me know how that goes for you, but I don’t think I want anything to do with this fallout.”
“Thanks for the help!” Buck called after her, feeling a little frustrated.
“You’re welcome!”
Buck groaned and buried his face in his arms, sandwich long forgotten.
“Man, I can’t believe Chris ditched movie night,” Buck complained as he made popcorn.
“I think he’s getting a little too old to be hanging out with us,” Eddie remarked, shaking his head.
“Don’t say that!” Buck cried. “Don’t put that in the universe! He is not too old for movie night.”
Eddie just chuckled and grabbed two beers from the fridge. He popped off the tops and leaned against the counter, handing one to Buck. “I didn’t say I liked it. If I had it my way, he’d be a little kid forever.”
Buck grabbed the beer, gratefully, and took a long sip, “You’re telling me.” He watched Eddie for a moment. Hen’s words echoed in his head. This would be a perfect time. “Hey, I need to tell you something.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow, “Yeah? What is it?”
He focused on the bottle in his hands, unable to look Eddie in the eye, “I was using the iPad the other night.”
Eddie frowned, “Okay? You don’t have to ask permission, you know?”
“No, I know. I was looking for a recipe,” Buck explained. “I had forgotten to save it so I was looking through the search history to see if I could track it down.” He braved a look at Eddie’s face who still seemed confused. He took a deep breath. “Why were you googling am I gay quizzes, Eddie?”
Buck could see the exact moment that Eddie’s heart dropped. His eyes widened just a fraction and his hands shook slightly, fingers trembling against the beer bottle. They were small things normal people wouldn’t notice. But Buck was not normal, not when it came to his best friend.
“Hey,” Buck said, putting down his own bottle. He reached out and placed a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “It’s just me. I’m not judging you. I just want you to talk to me.”
Eddie opened his mouth, but no words came out. The microwave beeped, indicating the popcorn was done, but neither man moved. They stood there, watching one another, waiting for something. Buck wasn’t sure what.
“I think I might be gay.”
Eddie’s words broke the silence. Buck was pretty sure it was the first time he had said those words out loud.
“Okay,” Buck said, simply.
Eddie frowned, “Okay? That’s it?”
“Do you want me to say something else?”
Eddie dragged a hand down his face, “I-I don’t know, man. I basically just came out to you and you’re acting like it’s not a big deal.”
“It isn’t a big deal. You’re still Eddie. You’re still my best friend. Nothing’s going to change that. Whether you like men or women, that means nothing to me.”
“What if I want it to?” Eddie snapped. Buck blinked. “What if I want it to mean something?”
“Eddie, I don’t understand-”
“It’s because of you! I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you for years, Buck!”
Buck stood there, heart pounding in his ears. Eddie’s words echoed in his head. He loved him, was in love with him. It was so much to take in, but at the same time it was like he knew it this whole time.
“When I realized it, I thought that maybe I was bisexual, like you. And then I started reexamining my life and my relationships.” Eddie couldn’t stop talking, now that he had found the words. “Carla once told me to make sure I was following my heart and not just Christopher’s. All this time I was trying to find Christopher a mother because that’s what I thought he needed. But he didn’t. He doesn’t. Because he has you. We have you.”
“Eddie-”
“I don’t know what I am. But I do know that I love you,” Eddie’s voice cracked. “And I’m sorry. I’ve probably ruined everything, but I had to tell you.”
Buck shook his head, “Ruin everything? Eddie, you didn’t ruin anything.”
“I didn’t?”
“Our lives have been intertwined for years,” Buck said. “Do you really think I’d let go of you that easily?” Buck offered him a small smile. “Besides, you kind of baby trapped me a while ago.”
Eddie squawked, indignantly, “What? I did not!”
Buck raised an eyebrow, “Oh by the way, Buck, if I die, you’re Christopher’s legal guardian. Yeah, I did that a while ago. No, I didn’t tell you or ask you.”
“I knew you’d say yes, so I figured it wasn’t a big deal,” he muttered.
“My point is,” Buck said, “even if I didn’t feel the same, I wouldn’t end our friendship over it.”
Deeming the conversation over, Buck went to grab the popcorn from the microwave. It was more lukewarm than hot now, but oh well. Popcorn was popcorn. Just add a bunch of salt and butter and it was good as new.
Eddie blinked, taking in his words. He hadn’t moved an inch, staring at the spot Buck had been standing. “Even if you didn’t feel the same…” He turned to Buck, eyes wide. “You can’t just breeze past that part!”
Buck glanced at him, “Oh, did I not say I love you back?”
“No!”
“Oops,” Buck said, sheepishly. Eddie shook his head either exasperatedly or fondly, Buck couldn’t tell. He hoped it was the latter. “Well, I love you, too. Now can we go watch our movie before our popcorn gets even colder?”
Eddie sighed, “Okay, fine. But we’re talking more about this later.”
Buck mock saluted him, “Yes sir.” He grabbed the bowl of popcorn with one hand and Eddie’s arm with the other and dragged him over to the couch.
The two got comfortable, Buck practically draped across Eddie’s lap, the bowl in his own. He caught Eddie staring at him, a small smile on his face. It made his stomach swoop and for a moment Buck went to stuff his face with popcorn so he could ignore it. But then he remembered the conversation in the kitchen. He was allowed to feel that way now. His best friend returned his feelings. So instead Buck leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to Eddie’s cheek, causing the man to flush. Buck just grinned and pressed play on the movie.
“Hey, Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“What did you get on those quizzes?”
“Oh, uh, most of them said I was gay. Which can’t be right because I do like women.”
“Didn’t you say going on dates with women felt like performing?”
“Yeah?”
“Hmm…”
“What do you mean? Wait Buck what does that mean? Buck!”