Chapter Text
Intro
I’m having a hard time saying goodbye and so I thought it would be fun to read through the fic and give my thoughts on the process and the characters. If anything that I say clashes with your own reading, fear not! It’s just my own headcanon and I totally get it if you disagree.
The very first wisp of this fic came from Laufey’s song “Let You Break My Heart Again.” I listened to that song on repeat and kept imagining Yoongi in his room, completely broken hearted and yet not being able to move on. In my own head, Yoongi’s “Spring Mourning” song sounds something like “Let You Break My Heart Again.” This song still perfectly captures the way Yoongi feels towards Namjoon at the beginning of the fic.
That was only a vague impression, though. Zero plot, just vibes. Then my dear friend M told me the plot of the ‘93 telenovela Corazon Salvaje and I was completely fascinated. I loved how complicated it all sounded. The telenovela is set in the late 1800s, and for a while I considered keeping it set in that era. Eventually, though, I settled on the fic being set in the modern era and for it to be a/b/o. At first I wasn’t sure which BTS member should represent which character, but Yoonjin eventually won out as the main ship and everyone else fell into place.
My first goal with this fic was to make Yoongi and Jin fall in love very slowly. My main disappointment with the telenovela was that it felt as though the main couple fell for each other really quickly. I wanted it to be a long path towards love. I wanted them to really fight. To be cruel to each other, even. My second goal was to not have any villains. In the telenovela, Taehyung’s character is the beautiful and villainous Aimee. But I just could not write Taehyung as a cruel, horrible person. I love him too much! I wanted everybody to be a little right and a little wrong. My third goal that I sort of tried to work into the fic was the difficulty of being an omega and Yoongi learning to embrace that.
These are my initial notes about the fic from 2022:
Yoongi is an omega (maybe from a rich family in the past or maybe from a rich family in present day). His family had arranged a marriage with Kim Namjoon since they were very young and they had been friends and somewhere along the way Yoongi has fallen in love with Namjoon.
Namjoon is an alpha, sweet and kind and smart but incredibly naive. He’s easily tricked in this. He was away for many years studying in new zealand and then in New York. Yoongi is his best friend but he wouldn’t say he’s quite in love. They’re young — they dont quite know what love is.
Taehyung is an omega and Yoongi’s cousin. Maybe he has lived with Yoongi from a young age and is therefore almost like his brother. He is flirtatious but also deeply insecure. He doesn’t mean to hurt Yoongi and does feel bad hurting him, but he is a spoiled boy deep down.
(alpha) Jin is Namjoon’s brother, maybe? Maybe half brother? Maybe Jin is the bastard child of Namjoon’s father and so his status is not good. Jin is angry at Namjoon because he got everything in life. He is bitter. He is a breakout actor whose mother has only recently passed away and that has caused him a lot of pain. He has felt so directionless ever since she passed 2 years ago. She was a normal person who fell for the wrong person.
Jungkook lives with Jin. Jin took him in. jungkook’s family is pretty bad, pretty abusive. Jungkook is shy at first but opens up later. Jin gave him a place to go to when jk’s family was being crazy.
Hoseok maybe works with Jin and maybe they have chemistry and Yoongi at some point is jealous of Hobi.
Maybe Jimin is an omega that Taehyung falls in love with at the end? Or something? Or he is Tae’s best friend? Maybe also yoongi’s friend?
The setting is like this: the kim family (namjoon’s and jin’s) are up and coming, they are not old money though and they wanted the prestige of marrying into older money. Yoongi’s family is old money through his father’s side and they care so so so much about image and status. In this universe, omegas are still stuck behind. That is something that Yoongi has always hated, has hated the limitations, has hated that he has had to act so proper and perfect. But he also feels a strong sense of duty, even as he hates it.
They make references to mating bites as something that used to happen long long ago. Seokjin jokes about biting yoongi. They can’t smell emotions but there is a sharper nose in that mates will scent each other, carry each other’s scents. It’s subtle but it’s there. You have to be pretty close to someone to notice it, usually.
A lot of stuff obviously ended up being rearranged and reworked! I let this fic marinate for a good while. Little ideas and pieces would come to me and I’d just jot them down. I was very nervous about writing a BTS fic! I wanted to be respectful of Korean culture. I was nervous that no one would read it. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to accurately capture these 7 people that I love so much. Eventually, I decided to do NaNoWriMo in 2023 for this fic. I’m still kind of shocked by how well it went! I was having an incredibly hard time that winter, and I somehow still found the strength to sit down and write a little bit every day. I was shocked when I had a pretty decent second draft of the fic by the end of it!
I have 10 other fics under my name for another fandom. The longest one is 57k. All of them were posted only after I’d finished them. It was such a nerve wrecking decision to start posting this fic while it was technically a wip! I could tell it was going to be my longest fic too. I’d never done it before and so I was really scared that it would be discouraging not to have any readers or that I would fall into a writing slump and just never finish it. I’m still not sure what possessed me and gave me the courage. Perhaps I was just too eager to get it out into the world. Whatever it was, I really can’t stop thanking all of the people who have cheered this fic on as I wrote it. Knowing that people care about it has really pushed me forward to write in a way I’ve never experienced before. It’s felt so amazing to have a community for this project.
Chapter 1: the disaster
At the start of this fic it is February., Jin is 25, Yoongi 24, Namjoon and Hobi 24, Jimin and Taehyung 22, and Jungkook 20.
The opening scene is always the hardest for me. I tried my best to lay down the foundation of this fic: Namjoon has been away and is finally back, they’re arranged to be married, Yoongi is in love with him, Yoongi doesn’t like Seokjin, something weird is going on with Taehyung and he used to have a fling with Jin, male omegas are rare and sexualized in this world.
Even in this first scene, we can see warning signs that marrying Namjoon would have made Yoongi unhappy eventually. He is hiding in a corner, finding it hard to keep up with Namjoon’s role. Caged by expectations of how he should behave.
Jimin’s job as Namjoon’s assistant also gets brought up in the first scene, and I hoped the stereotype of a sexy blond assistant would be a good red herring. I definitely wanted Taehyung and Namjoon’s relationship to be as shocking to the reader as it was to Yoongi! That’s why I didn’t tag it or put it in the summary as well.
Jin is sooo schmoozy in his intro scene! I was a little afraid he would come across as unlikable. He talks a lot because he’s uncomfortable, trying to play the role of an extrovert, but Yoongi takes it as him loving the sound of his own voice. At this point in the story, Jin enjoys pulling Yoongi’s pigtails just to get his attention.
As Jin says later in the fic, the very first time he saw Yoongi, he was instantly attracted to him. But Yoongi instantly disliked him, having already heard awful things about him from Namjoon. I think Jin at first tried to be normal friendly but when that didn’t get him anything but blank responses, he eventually started teasing and pushing. He likes getting under Yoongi’s skin. He doesn’t have a crush on Yoongi exactly. It’s not like he pines after him or spends a lot of time thinking about him. But whenever Yoongi is around, his attention is instantly on him. If he and Yoongi had met under better circumstances, I’m sure that Jin would have fallen head over heels in a week and proposed marriage just as quickly as Namjoon proposed to Taehyung lol.
We also see Yoongi send out his little telepathic message to Namjoon. “Yoongi finds Namjoon in the crowd again, silently begging him to look up and notice, to come rescue him from his half-brother, but Namjoon continues his discussion with the men that have formed a small circle around him.” and “Look up, Namjoon. Look at me, Kim Namjoon. Please. No luck.” Namjoon doesn’t receive it because he’s not Yoongi’s true love. We see in later chapters that Seokjin does receive his little silent cues and messages.
Right after the first scene we get the first text! I was so inspired by twitter social media AUs lol I love reading them so much! They always make me laugh and I thought it would be a great way to convey quick information. I wish I could have included more text conversations but they were really hard to write! Too many voices to juggle at once.
The scene that follows is Yoongi finding out about Namjoon and Taehyung! I started the scene with Yoongi’s spirits high and full of hope so that we could experience that awful drop of disappointment. The things that really kill me are “He hums to himself as he looks through his closet” and “He knocks a happy little beat on Namjoon’s door.” My sweet boy! He was so happy and full of hope.
This experience is so horrible for him that I think it really stops him from ever hoping for more with Jin until the very end of the fic. He never again assumes that things will go his way.
We also get hints of Yoongi’s bad self-esteem. Even after he tries to make himself nice to go see Namjoon, the best he can think of himself is that he looks “pretty okay.”
Taehyung opening the door always makes me feel so bad for Yoongi. Taehyung being the one to tell him to come in like it’s his house already. “Taehyung is wearing brown slippers with little bears on them. He hands Yoongi a plain white pair, ones meant for guests.” Oof!
In this scene, Taehyung feels uncomfortable, something inside of him screaming that something is wrong about this. Taehyung, unfortunately, is ignoring that instinct and trying to tell himself that it’s going to be fine. Namjoon, on the other hand, just feels awkward. How do you tell your best friend that you’ve fallen for his de facto little brother? So many fics are written about this exact scenario. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, made even more so by the fact that this means he will be breaking off their long standing plan.
Namjoon does not expect Yoongi to be hurt by this at all. Worst case scenario, he thinks Yoongi might be angry. One reader pointed out that Namjoon should have given Yoongi this news alone. I don’t think that thought ever occurred to them, but it definitely would’ve been a lot less painful for Yoongi! The shock of seeing the two people he loves most suddenly together? Devastating!
Another thing I saw being discussed in the comments was whether Taehyung and Namjoon had already been sleeping together. The commenters wondered how awkward it would have been if Taehyung and Namjoon had slept together, it didn’t work out, and then Namjoon married Yoongi. I’d never thought about it like that before! In my own headcanon, Namjoon and Taehyung don’t sleep together until either after they decide to get married or even until after the wedding!
I always picture Namjoon and Taehyung falling for each other as something very soft and almost innocent (from their own pov). Namjoon believed he’d suddenly found the one. Taehyung let himself get swept up in it. I picture their phone calls as a lot of giggling, a lot of innocent conversation, only getting a little more flirtatious towards the end. They are each full of fantasies. They are in this fairytale bubble that they subconsciously felt the need to protect because it was very fragile. Unstable.
Taehyung is avoiding his friends, avoiding Yoongi, because constantly talking himself into this relationship takes up a lot of his time. He’s a character that is guided more by feelings than brain, and so it’s hard for him to ignore that something is wrong but he does it because humans have such a strong capacity to want things we know aren’t really meant for us.
Yoongi sits there and takes it in and hides the fact that he’s shattering. Why doesn’t he express his feelings? Why does he agree to help Namjoon tell their parents? Because showing any type of negative emotion would be too vulnerable. It would be admitting that he’s hurt, and he refuses to show any type of weakness.
In this scene we also learn that Taehyung is an orphan. I could never quite settle on what exactly happened to them. They went on a trip and then there was some sort of accident.
The last line of this scene is “He was stupid and careless, and he has no one to blame but himself.” Yoongi takes that anger and hurt that he feels from Taehyung and Namjoon’s decision and aims it at himself. He can’t make himself blame Namjoon or Taehyung, even though it’s them he should really be angry with.
We get to the scene of Seokjin at the party! Honestly Jin starts out on such a bad foot in this fic. We see him be so incredibly petty. I really wondered if people would be turned off by him. I think because we see him be so wonderful later on, we kind of forget that he was kind of a jerk this night. He literally says, He was never in love with Taehyung, had never considered picking up their old fling again, and yet it still feels as if Namjoon stole his favorite toy and is refusing to give it back.
A lot of people later in the fic would express that Namjoon was the one who wanted Yoongi just because he was with Jin now, kind of forgetting that Jin was actually the one to literally express this kind of thinking.
Seokjin laughs. It only seems to pinch Yoongi’s face with annoyance, so Seokjin tosses his head back and milks it for a few extra seconds. — lol I love him, what a little jerk.
What I do like about this scene and about the previous one they shared together too is the fact that Jin is pretty good at reading Yoongi. He is constantly calling him out, which truly infuriates Yoongi.
“I didn’t bring one.” He sighs before his eyes drop down to Yoongi’s pretty blazer. He takes a step towards him. “Let me borrow yours.”
“What? No.”
“Come on, please? I can’t walk around like this.”
“No,” Yoongi says, but Taehyung is already unbuttoning it and pulling it off of him.
Taehyung grins happily as he puts on the blazer and buttons it closed. He looks in the mirror and turns to the left and then to the right. Only a bit of the stain is visible, and the jacket is too distracting for anyone to even pay attention to it. — To me, this is just annoying little sibling behavior lol selfish and bratty, yes, but the kind of thing that gets easily forgiven. But I suspect that this really really made people hate Tae.
Taehyung frowns. “What’s going on with Yoongi-hyung?”
“Who knows,” Seokjin replies distractedly, an idea slowly forming in his mind. “Listen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Do you think we could find a private place to talk?” — ahh Jin, this truly was just an impulsive, stupid thing he decided to do just because he was in a bad mood, feeling angry, jealous and petty towards Namjoon. Over and over in this fic, Jin will do things impulsively or despite knowing it’s not a smart choice. He messes up so much but he also tries so hard to do good. It made him so interesting to write.
When everything goes to shit and Yoongi and his brother Sunhyun are confronting Tae and Jin, there’s this moment where Taehyung looks to Yoongi. "Hyung," Taehyung pleads, his eyes on Yoongi. "Please. I do love Namjoon-hyung. It was just a mistake. Please." — I’m not sure even Taehyung himself knows what he’s asking for. Please stand up for me, please be on my side, please understand, please help me fix this (like he’s done countless other times).
The end of chapter one ends with Yoongi coming up with the “solution” and Seokjin agreeing to it. Yoongi is really saving his ass as well, but Seokjin definitely isn’t happy or even that grateful about it. He’s really more mad at himself that he caused this situation, but Yoongi and Jin have such a bad habit of taking their anger out on each other in the beginning.
I posted this first chapter feeling so incredibly nervous! Like I said, I was really afraid no one would ever read this, and so I felt such a huge wave of relief when the first few readers popped in. Some of you guys have been here since the very first chapter and I can’t even express how much that means to me.
I was surprised by how many in the comments (both here and later) would express that they thought Tae was acting maliciously towards Yoongi. He’s a bit bratty and selfish, yes, but I really never expected people to think that he was purposefully trying to steal Namjoon or that he was being evil. Taehyung’s happy ending with Jungkook was already written and so I started getting nervous that people would be upset or never have any sympathy for him.
Chapter 2: the wedding
The words I don't want to spend even one extra second in your company go unsaid, but Seokjin still hears them loud and clear. — ahh Jin is so good at getting Yoongi’s silent messages.
Yoongi is truly so done with Jin already in this first scene. He is so broken over everything that has happened that I think he’s just numb, maybe even slipping self-destructive. He’s just like whatever, I’ll ruin my life, yeah I’ll marry you, yeah I’ll be in with you and your unknown roommate and just be miserable. Who cares.
I found it tricky to write this scene where Namjoon comes to talk to Yoongi. From Namjoon’s pov, a few things are happening all at once that make his reaction really hard to write. One, Namjoon is happy and very distracted. He just moved back to Korea, he is stepping into this big new job, and he is over the moon in love with Taehyung. Therefore… Two, Namjoon didn’t really notice that Yoongi has been miserable and has pulled back from him. Yoongi has cut himself off from friends but he will still text Namjoon back. It’s not the constant talking they used to do, but it’s enough that Namjoon literally doesn’t notice that something is going on (and Yoongi had already mentioned in chapter 1 that they were overall talking less even before the Taehyung thing got revealed). Three, Namjoon finds out about Yoongi marrying Seokjin from the news. He is shocked but more than that he is hurt and then worried.
Has Yoongi been having an affair with Seokjin? For how long? Or has Seokjin done something to trick Yoongi? Namjoon’s imagination is running wild, imagining the worst. He expects to hear something awful going in to see Yoongi. No matter what, he is so very sad that this happening to Yongi.
“I can talk to your parents. Try to change their mind.” He squeezes one of Yoongi’s limp hands, anguish in his voice, and the pain in Yoongi’s heart only intensifies. “Please hyung, I can’t let you marry him.” — Namjoon’s going to have this conversation with Yoongi over and over in this fic. For Namjoon, it’s simple. Yoongi doesn’t love him and therefore shouldn’t be with him. Both Yoongi and Namjoon don’t believe in all of the “propriety” of their upbringing, but Namjoon doesn’t quite get that Yoongi being an omega does make things different for them. Namjoon believes omegas and alphas are equal and acts as if it’s true, as if they should march forward uncaring that society won’t see it that way. I’m torn about his attitude because on one hand, it’s insensitive to Yoongi’s reality, but on the other… what’s the alternative? Be a slave to society? How else will change come, if people don’t start breaking these taboos and expected norms? I believe that he believes this lol
Jimin being invited to Namjoon’s wedding is something I debated about a lot. On one hand, I’m not sure how realistic it is? But I figured it’s a huge event and Jimin and Namjoon got along rather quickly. I really think Namjoon would have easily invited Jimin to it.
I chose to use necklaces instead of wedding rings in this fic because I was really thinking about how tradition could progress in this type of universe. If mating marks used to be at thing, then I thought it would make sense for necklaces to become traditional symbols instead. I also liked the idea of necklaces that were really hard to take on and off. I wanted Yoongi and Jin to have this reminder on them at all times that they couldn’t just slip on and off casually. I think I add that detail in later, during Jin and Yoongi’s wedding, that the box clasp is one that is hard to undo. I was picturing this type of clasp that I used to have on a bracelet when I was little where basically the only way to get it off was by putting a needle in this tiny hole and pressing down. Without that, there was no way to get it off just with your own fingers.
As soon as the ceremony is over, Seokjin leans over and says in a low voice, “I’m going to tell everyone I feel sick, and then I’m taking you home.” — Jin’s first act of service, getting Yoongi out of a situation unprompted. Not even married yet but already feeling like it’s his duty to take care of Yoongi.
I really love this awful, tense exchange between them in the car. Yoongi lying, Seokjin being kind of mean, literally saying Either you’re a saint or an idiot. Oof. Ouch, but kind of true. I think before this, Seokjin had assumed that Yoongi was doing this more for Taehyung.
This scene also really hammers in just how bitter and jealous Jin feels towards Namjoon. How unfair everything feels to him.
Divorce is legal, sure, but to leave your mate is viewed as unforgivable. It’s a bit more common among the general public, especially when it comes to abuse and cheating, but the world of the elite has yet to join the 21st century. Even an alpha is shamed for abandoning their mate and seen as an unworthy, immoral person. A divorced omega might as well never show their face in society ever again. — this was me trying to bring the 1800s society view of marriage from the telenovela into their modern world. These are the consequences that keep Jin and Yoongi together despite how bad their relationship is at first.
We also see Jin’s apartment for the first time in this fic. I wish I could magically view how every reader imagines it! Yoongi’s room is the biggest of the 3. I’m not sure if they ever remark on that detail. Jin bought this apartment when his mom first got sick and he wanted her to live with them. They gave her the biggest room. She did live with him for a while but she didn’t like living in Seoul and she really, really didn’t like having Jin taking care of her. It broke her heart too much. He was so young and Jungkook even younger.
This isn’t how things were supposed to happen. For so many years he had pictured what this day would look like, and flashes of those old daydreams keep swirling in his mind. Waking up full of excitement, getting ready with Taehyung no doubt hanging around, texting Namjoon throughout the morning — he had been so sure of his future that the cold reality of today feels as though he fell into a wormhole.
There is no excitement. Yoongi gets ready alone. There are no texts from Namjoon. — Taehyung wanted to be there. He is so, so miserable knowing that Yoongi is doing this because of him. Yoongi isn’t talking to him. Yoongi’s never been mad at him for this long. It’s scary and sad for Taehyung to not know when — if ever — he’ll be forgiven. As for Namjoon, he considers texting Yoongi one last time that it’s not too late to run away if he wants. He’s also feeling very sad that Yoongi is doing this. He can’t figure it out and Yoongi clearly doesn’t want to tell him. He’s feeling very lost and confused, but again, also very distracted.
His parents look grim as the three of them ride to the venue. Yoongi supposes he should be grateful for the silence. They could be spending the whole ride rehashing all of the ways he has failed them. His relationship with them has never been warm, but ever since the picture disaster, it’s as if they can’t wait to be rid of him. They didn’t bother asking him how he felt about Namjoon calling off their engagement. They haven’t asked him how he feels about Seokjin. — Yoongi faced a lot of emotional neglect as a child and it really really colors how he sees himself and his actions. His parents mostly disappear from the story because they were never even involved much to begin with.
The color lilac is sprinkled throughout but Yoongi isn’t sure if that’s something the venue arranged or if it’s something Seokjin picked out. — Jin picked it out. He basically had to do all of the wedding planning decisions by himself since Yoongi refused to be involved. He kept trying to pick things he thought Yoongi would like too.
His fans had mixed reactions to his engagement. Some had complained about feeling blindsided, but many also sent him well wishes and defended him from the onslaught of criticism. Hoseok had written a great statement on his behalf apologizing for the pictures and claiming to be over the moon with joy at getting to marry the love of his life. He needs just one good photo to trot out, something to reinforce the lie so that his fans won’t worry. He doesn’t want to disappoint them. — what made Jin seek out fame? I think the same thing that made Yoongi also have dreams of a life in the spotlight. They both didn’t feel wanted. Yoongi by both his parents, Jin by his father. They both wanted the attention, the adoration, a chance to do something that would matter to people. The fic wasn’t about fame so I didn’t focus too much on it, but Jin really cares about his fans.
His eyes keep searching for Jungkook, always finding him hiding behind Hoseok or Jimin. — I wonder if Jungkook caught a glimpse of Taehyung that day. Did he just see a handsome guy across the room for a moment? Or was he too busy feeling shy and out of place to notice anyone around him?
He feels bad about lying to his friends, especially to Jungkook, but he can’t quite get himself to admit that this whole mess is his own fault. Hoseok had been angry at first. Seokjin had come home that disastrous day after meeting with Yoongi to find Jungkook and Hoseok waiting for him at the apartment. Seokjin had been vague as he explained that he was now officially engaged, and his friends seem to have come to the conclusion that Seokjin and Yoongi were having a secret fling but are now being forced to marry after the pictures. It’s close enough to the full truth that he hasn’t bothered to admit to more. — if Hoseok and Jungkook and Jimin had found out the truth, they would have been so angry with Jin. Not so angry as to stop speaking to him or anything to that level, but they definitely would’ve been disappointed and angry with him. They all find out so much later, after so many other things have happened, after circumstances have changed. It makes their reaction to the news a lot more muted because it’s not an immediate crisis anymore. But Jin hid the truth and didn’t want them to meet Yoongi because he was scared and ashamed and really knew he’d done wrong.
Chapter 3: heat
We open the chapter with Taehyung reaching out. This is the one time I wish I had time stamps on the texts. This is supposed to represent Tae reaching out consistently over a timespan of weeks. He wants to reconnect with Yoongi so so much. Does Yoongi want to talk about it? Taehyung offers that up. Does Yoongi want to ignore it and pretend like nothing happened? (which we see Yoongi doing later with Taehyung, the way siblings can be fighting to death one minute and then just start talking again like nothing happened) Taehyung offers that up too with the kitten video.
As far as Taehyung allows himself to think, Yoongi is mad at him because of the kiss with Jin and everything that had to happen afterwards. He doesn’t understand just how deeply Yoongi is hurting right now and Yoongi has purposefully kept it from him.
Jungkook, too, seems to hardly be in the apartment most of the time, though Yoongi isn’t sure if that’s normal for him or if he’s avoiding being home with Yoongi. — Jungkook is avoiding being home with him.
Yoongi had been content letting music take up his time while he waited for Namjoon to return. — it’s so sad and so tragic how much of his own life Yoongi had put on pause just waiting. This is something else that I don’t think Namjoon was ever able to grasp.
Every time Yoongi looks at him, anger and hate grip his insides. Yoongi has lost everything — his reputation, his life, his future — and Seokjin? He’s completely unscathed. Sure, he had to marry Yoongi, but he gets to live his life as normal. — Namjoon would come to the same conclusion later, when he finds out the truth.
He pictures it sometimes, in his weaker moments, imagines Taehyung here, forcing him to snuggle together under the covers, a movie playing in the background. It’s what he always does whenever Yoongi is sick — and the reason why he usually catches whatever Yoongi has — and Yoongi always grumbles and complains but is secretly glad for the company. — tragic! Tae and Yoongi love each other so much. One thing that I didn’t like about the fic’s timeline is that it didn’t allow us to really see a lot of Tae and Yoongi’s relationship before all of this happened. The best I could do was sprinkle in little details like this. Taehyung is really the one person in his family that he’s actually close to. The only one who really sees him, the one who forces affection on him despite Yoongi pretending not to like it. It’s so devastating to Yoongi to have their relationship torn, and I kind of wish it was more obvious that it is also equally devastating to Taehyung, just in a different way.
The thing Seokjin has learned about Yoongi is that he doesn’t really yell. All of his anger gets locked up in his eyes. They turn murderous as he stares at Seokjin, and his voice gets low and cold. It sends chills down Seokjin’s spine. Yoongi makes him feel small and stupid and useless, and Seokjin hates it. — I really like that Jin never really hates Yoongi as a person, the way Yoongi hates him. Jin is just reacting to the way Yoongi treats him, and even when they’re on bad terms, Jin is still very attracted to him and very willing to do things to help him, like cooking for him.
We get to Yoongi being in heat, and something I found really interesting from readers’ reactions was that some people seemed to consider Yoongi fantasizing about Namjoon here morally wrong. There was once a poll on tumblr floating around that asked if fantasizing about someone other than your partner is cheating and my own answer was no, it’s not, thoughts are just thoughts. Discussing it with some friends, I saw that they had their own very different answers, with some of them saying yes it is because you’re being unfaithful in your heart. Yoongi definitely doesn’t feel good about his own thoughts leading him there. He does feel guilty that he still wants Namjoon even though he’s with Taehyung now.
During the rest of the story though, can Jin and Yoongi really be unfaithful to each other if they’re not really together? Is it cheating if they are never on the same page about being officially together? Some people I think would say yes, which is very interesting to me. I personally don’t view Yoongi or Namjoon as cheaters at all. Tae and Jin… I guess technically yes because of the kiss, though that doesn’t really define them to me as people.
Your voice kept me warm in the winter, but now that spring is here, you pick flowers for someone else. — I’m definitely not a lyricist and this was the best (and most) I could come up with after I decided to not use Laufey’s lyrics. I like the line though. It’s extremely literal lol it always brings to my mind a scene of a traditional, set in the forest a/b/o type fic. Namjoon and Yoongi sharing warm furs in the winter, then Namjoon courting Tae, Yoongi sitting by himself on a mountain, crying. I don’t know why my brain decided to create a mini music video just for this one line but there you go.
They still haven’t talked since Yoongi’s wedding, if that brief exchange of words can even be considered talking. — some readers say they don’t like how quickly Yoongi forgives Taehyung and Namjoon, and while I think I can see where they’re coming from, I personally think Yoongi is only really guilty of forgiving Namjoon too fast.
Yoongi’s love for him really doesn’t let him put any of the blame on Namjoon at first. (Although I do think it’s complicated. I’m not sure “blame” is the right word here, but we’ll get to Namjoon later.) He pushes away his own hurt feelings and keeps devotedly loving Namjoon, keeps putting him first. But with Taehyung, Yoongi stops talking to him. Yoongi can take what Tae and Jin did and use that to justify how much he doesn’t want to see Taehyung right now. The only reason he even starts talking to Taehyung again is because Namjoon asked him to, and even then it’s not the same. Even then, Taehyung laments that Yoongi is out of sync with him now. We only really start to see some healing between them after Yoongi comes back to Malta but even then, Yoongi still somewhere deep inside does still want to punish Taehyung, as we can see by him brushing aside Taehyung’s feelings and keep him in an unhappy marriage just because that was something that Yoongi made himself do. These are all subconscious feelings, nothing that I think Yoongi is ever really very aware that he’s doing, but I personally don’t think Yoongi forgives Tae quickly at all.
And all of his anger towards Namjoon is heavily suppressed, as we can see in this quote, Namjoon sighs heavily, as if all of this pains him. Yoongi tries to push down the surge of annoyance he suddenly feels. He sharply reminds himself that Namjoon doesn’t know the truth. It’s not his fault, and Yoongi can’t get angry with him when he means well. — Yoongi doesn’t want to accept the fact that deep down things with Namjoon are now irreparably broken.
Yoongi doesn’t have a job or any money of his own. If he divorces Seokjin and his parents don’t take him back in, where would he go? Yoongi is sure Namjoon would be quick to offer his and Taehyung’s place, but Yoongi would rather continue to rot in Seokjin’s apartment than intrude on the happy couple. — Namjoon really means so well but he really can’t fully grasp that Yoongi’s position as an omega is so different from his own. Namjoon really has a lot of blind spots that he’s not aware of.
“No. When I was around eighteen, I went by to visit him once and there was just a teenager sleeping on his couch. He didn’t really let me talk to him or anything. Just said something about him needing a place to crash. I've seen him on and off a few times, but I didn't know they were still living together.”
“Huh. I really thought they were related, somehow. They’re very close. If I didn’t know any better, I would have assumed they were brothers.”
Namjoon lets out an unhappy sounding laugh. “Funny, because the way he treats me, I figured he never wanted a brother.” — ahh, I feel so bad for Namjoon here. I can picture him showing up and Jin sending Jungkook away, not really doing anything more than quickly introducing them. Jin making up an excuse to have Namjoon leave. Namjoon feeling sad and hurt that Jin has never wanted to spend time with him and yet here is this random kid living with him. It really hurts him.
It’s good, just like the food he made before for Yoongi’s heat, and Jungkook grins happily when Yoongi says, “This is really delicious.” — what would have happened if Yoongi had brought it up? Said, “hey btw thanks for making food for me before” and jungkook had said he didn’t do that? I wondered about this. Jin directly lied. Would Yoongi have felt conflicted or just straight up angry? Guess we’ll never know for sure lol
Yoongi had seen Taehyung that morning in an effort to reconnect. They’d awkwardly walked around a shopping center, Taehyung picking up a few items. Yoongi is still angry, still hurt and bitter. The one time Taehyung tried to apologize again, Yoongi had quickly shut it down and insisted they not bring it up again. Taehyung had easily agreed, but from the nervous way he kept glancing at Yoongi, it was obvious he knew he wasn’t entirely forgiven just yet. Yoongi had felt relieved when they said goodbye.
It’s strange to think that right now he feels much more comfortable spending time with Jungkook than he does with Taehyung. — like we were talking above, Yoongi’s forgiveness really doesn’t come that easily for Tae. I look at this from Taehyung’s pov and it really breaks my heart. He is willing to do whatever to make things better with Yoongi but he still doesn’t really know the depth of what we helped break.
Jungkook nods, a small frown on his face like he’s thinking hard. “It must’ve been hard for you. I’m sorry that it had to happen.”
For some reason, the words make Yoongi feel a bit choked up. He has to blink hard a few times, afraid tears will well up. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” — the sweetest boy. Ahh, JK is truly just the biggest sweetheart. I always imagined that Jin paid for some therapy sessions for him and so he has his feelings sorted out a bit better than the rest of our cast. His emotional intelligence is pretty high.
“I get it. He hasn’t shown you his good sides yet, but he really does have them. He’s always helping people, and he’s really funny, even if sometimes his jokes are a bit lame. He’s the most caring person I know. Sometimes he can be stubborn and make rash decisions, but he always apologizes. Really, there are a lot of worse people you could’ve ended up with.” — I never liked this paragraph. It feels too clunky and yet, I felt strongly that JK would try to talk Jin up in this moment. I also really wanted to put in the ‘stubborn and rash decisions” bit because it’s something we see in Jin a lot, especially towards the end. His ultimate rash decision was leaving the apartment — but he did apologize lol
I really love Yoongi and Jungkook’s friendship in this. I love that in real life they do have a similar style, and it was fun to have this fic’s JK pick that up and imitate his new hyung. I also really love that Seokjin is a little jealous that he’s got new competition but is also relieved that Yoongi is kind to him. Really, the direct line to Seokjin’s heart is through Jungkook. If Yoongi hadn’t treated him well, it would’ve never worked out between them.
The end of this chapter has Jungkook and Taehyung meeting, and Jungkook instantly falling for him. I don’t think Taehyung falls instantly for him the same way. Things are still okay enough with Namjoon at this point, but they’re quickly going to crash down and on top of that, Tae and Yoongi’s relationship is also cracked. Taehyung really needs a true friend.
Poor Seokjin, he also ends the chapter on a really sad note. He feels hated and unwanted during his father’s birthday trips, and I mean, he’s not really wrong. One regret is that maybe I should’ve mentioned more how complicated Seokjin’s feelings towards his father are. I think it’s there, subtly, but I’m not sure how well I managed to convey that Seokjin doesn’t like his father at all. Very complicated feelings there.