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Before Maomao fully processes what had happened she’s shoved flat onto her back, pinned in place by a beautiful eunuch who apparently wasn’t a eunuch but really still was, if you heard it from her. She didn’t know anything. She was just an ignorant maid.
Jinshi’s face is only a breath away from her own as he pins her down, lifting up one of her legs as his hand rests so low on her thigh it becomes dangerously close to gripping her ass. Maomao’s mind goes completely blank. An uncomfortable buzzing sound fills her ears, goosebumps raising on her skin.
Jinshi’s hair and clothes are still wet from earlier when he’d jumped down the waterfall, rivulets of water running down his chest, highlighted by how his lapels hang wide open. A slightly pinkened hue dusts his cheeks, likely both from his body still cooling down from his earlier heat exhaustion and his more recent frustration over having his most sensitive parts being compared to the likes of a frog.
Right now, he’s practically the epitome of debauchery. If it were anyone else under him, they’d have surely passed out from the almost stuffy sinful aura that oozes from him like some type of pheromone from a dog in rut.
If it were anyone else.
Maomao feels as if she might be sick.
There’s a look on Jinshi’s face she’s never seen before, not once. Despite her best efforts, she truly isn’t able to decipher it. At least, not in this position.
What was she supposed to do?
For a moment, Maomao can only lay there in complete shock, staring up at Jinshi who stares right back down at her. His hand holding her leg up shifts just the slightest bit, and yet she can’t bring her body to move. Her mouth falls open in shock, her pounding heart (when had it started beating so fast?) dropping all the way down into the pit of her stomach.
Yes, Jinshi could be a frivolous man who knew he was attractive, often using his looks to his advantage. Yes, he’s played weird uncomfortable pranks before and has often gotten a little too close for comfort, in her opinion. For the most part though, he’s ultimately just been pretty harmless, if not more annoying than anything. Though he sometimes made her uncomfortable with how close he would get, it’s not as if she was ever really worried he’d do something.
Now, as he pins her down, cold sweat erupts on her back, seeming to soak right through her already damp clothes. Never before has this ever happened to her. Not to this extent, where she was fully and truly pinned in place, trapped. She would have expected it from the men back at home at the pleasure district, and attempts had been made there, but this was Jinshi. Jinshi wouldn’t…
But he was. Right now, he was pinning her down. Did… did she provoke him too much? But even then…
Despite pinning her down like this, he doesn’t really do anything else, only staring down at her with dark eyes. Except now that she looks at him, it feels like maybe he’s leaning a little closer, something like hurt twinged with the unreadable expression on his face.
Hurt, frustration, anger, sadness, desperation. Just what exactly was she seeing? Why did it seem as if she could see everything?
After a moment it becomes clear it wasn’t just her imagination, he was definitely really coming closer, and Maomao panics.
What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to kick him? Should she? This scenario where she was already completely cornered has never happened to her, but she’s learned from her time around brothels what to do if someone were to try and do something like this.
Maomao’s eyes dart around. She’s always known Jinshi was tall, but like this under him, it’s as if his body blocks out the entire rest of the world. She suddenly feels so small. Even if she did kick him, what would that do? He was twice her height, and she’s seen firsthand how toned his body was. In retrospect, it should have been obvious he wasn’t a eunuch.
Right. He wasn’t a eunuch. Right now, if he wanted to, he could… he would…
“Master Jinshi, I ask that you please get off of me,” Maomao says, trying to keep her voice stable, trying to force down the way it wants to shake.
At that, something flickers in Jinshi’s eyes, and he leans even closer to her. Like this, her legs are spread open even wider, and she finally breaks out of the shock that had swallowed her and frozen her in place. It’s as if a sudden flame bursts out from under her ass, telling her she has to get out of this situation, has to escape, right now.
“M…Master Jinshi, what are you doing?” she quietly asks, trying to inch out from under him.
He stares at her for a long time, before shaking his head. His lips seem to just barely tremble when he speaks. “Didn’t I already say? Why do you never listen to me?” The last part seems mostly directed to himself, coming out as a mumble.
This time, his lips ghost over the skin of her neck without really doing anything, cool and soft, and Maomao jerks. She can’t stop the way fear begins to creep into her voice as she tries to kick him off.
“Stop. Master Jinshi, this is–” she begins, before abruptly stopping when she remembers their positions.
Jinshi was a higher up. Though she still wasn’t completely sure about where exactly he stood in the hierarchy of things, he was important enough that an elaborate assassination attempt had been orchestrated specifically to kill him and very nearly succeeded, not to mention the fact that he had been invited to this hunting party in the first place. As an honored guest, no less. That, added to the information she knows now about him not actually being a eunuch, and there was clearly something more to him that she doesn’t know. That she doesn’t want to know.
Compared to him, she might as well be a bug crawling down a withering old tree. She was nothing but a servant girl. Her life was dispensable, and even the slightest transgression could lead to her head being severed from her neck, no questions asked. That was just the way things were: her life wasn’t important, and neither was she, really. She wasn’t of a high birth, and so the value of her life wasn’t very high, either.
Right now, could she really do anything to stop him if he wanted to do this? He was her superior. Though it was generally seen as tactless and looked down on to do this to a servant, with his standing, he wouldn’t get anything more than a slap on the wrist if it was found out. It would be his word against hers. In fact, if he felt like it, he could severely punish her and even have her killed if she made a fuss or snitched about it, executing her for libel. It’s not like Jinshi would do that, but–
No. Jinshi was doing this right now, and she never thought he would… Why would something like that be any different?
Jinshi’s lips are soft as they gently skim over the skin of her neck, his hand sliding closer to her ass, and Maomao finds herself beginning to truly panic.
Yes, Jinshi was incredibly beautiful, the most beautiful person she’s seen in all her life, even compared to her sisters back at the brothels, but that… he was just Jinshi. She didn’t want to…
What should she do? Should she try to fight it, despite the higher standing he has? Despite his size? Even if it meant punishment with the chance of death, that option seemed better than just laying here and letting him…
Letting him…
Horror fills Maomao as she begins to frantically kick her legs. In response, Jinshi’s lips against her neck curl into a frown, and he tightens his grip around her thigh. When she starts struggling to sit up, pushing at his chest as hard as she can, before she even realizes what’s happening, she’s forcefully shoved back down. She yelps when her back hits the hard ground.
“Master Jinshi, stop! Why are you doing this? Please let me go!” Maomao shouts, finding her throat suddenly raspy. “I– I won’t tell anyone about this, so just stop! This isn’t like you!”
She moves to push against his chest again but lets out a noise of pain when with one hand, Jinshi grabs both of her arms and pins them above her head.
“I was trying to tell you,” Jinshi quietly says, an unnaturally serious expression on his face. Despite the severity of the look, his face at that moment looks impossibly young. Desperate. “I was trying to be honest. Please listen to me, Maomao. The truth is that I–”
That truth is something I don’t need to know! At least now, I have plausible deniability! If you actually tell me all of that goes out the window!
Maomao squeezes her eyes shut. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of a frog, but it’s starting to get out of hand. I already told you, I felt a frog!”
Frustration fills Jinshi’s voice, his grip on her wrists seeming to subconsciously tighten. It hurts. “Why do you keep saying that? It should be obvious that I–”
“I don’t care! I don’t want to hear it!”
Maomao wasn’t stupid, she’d felt a thing that definitely shouldn’t have been there to feel if he truly were a eunuch. It didn’t matter what she’d felt, though. It was none of her business. She didn’t want to get into anything unnecessary and dangerous. Something like this– it wasn’t her business to know. In this world, knowing too much would get you killed.
She was only a servant. Her life would never hold any real value, and as such, she would forever be dispensable. Ignorance was the best protection she could have.
“...Why are you being like this?” Jinshi exclaims. “I don’t want to lie to you anymore. At least with you, I want to be completely truthful.”
Why?
She was just a servant girl. She was of lowly birth, wasn’t particularly good looking most of the time, had a personality she knew put people off, was short, completely flat, and it’s not as if her lifespan would be particularly long if she finally met a poison she couldn’t handle and bit the dust.
It didn’t make any sense. None of this made any damn sense!
Maomao opens her eyes again, avoiding looking at him as she frantically searches the area for an escape route. The exit above them was too tall, she wouldn’t be able to reach there by herself. The only other option was the waterfall. While she couldn’t swim very well, if she stuck to the sides then maybe she’d be able to escape. If only she could just get him off of her first—
Jinshi is silent for a long time, before seeming to decide something. Something like sadness and hurt sits behind the frustration in his eyes as he lowers his long lashes. “Fine. If you won’t let me say it, then I’ll just show you.”
Why are you being so persistent about this? Are you trying to get me killed!?
Though he had paused his movements before, now, he spreads her legs wider, pressing down closer to her again, and Maomao feels like she can’t breathe. She really can’t understand why he’s doing this. This was– this was Jinshi. Why was he… most men like this did it for power and control, others doing it if they were really that desperate for a warm body, but Jinshi already had access to all those things, so why–
Why are you doing this to me?
“Get off of me!” Maomao yells. She tries to fight him off but is quickly reminded of just how powerless she is when he restrains her with no noticeable effort.
I don’t want to.
His lips press close to her jaw as he doesn’t say anything more, and Maomao feels her eyes going a little watery as she uselessly struggles against him, the reality of the situation truly dawning on her. The hand holding her thigh falls down the curve of her hips towards the waistband of her pants, before he moves it to his own robes, beginning to tug them open.
This has never happened to her before. Though he was still her superior, as the time had gone on, she had begun to realize that under the obnoxious front he liked putting on, he really wasn’t that bad of a person. Spending time with him hadn’t been too bad, either. So why…
Don’t…
What if he didn’t pull it out? What if she got pregnant? She couldn’t have a kid now, wouldn’t be able to take care of one. Not to mention, if after it was over with he decided to kill her… It was bound to happen at some point working somewhere like the palace, but she would have liked to visit her father one last time. Despite being a doctor, he never took care of his own health.
Would they even tell him if she died?
“Master Jinshi… you… please don’t do this,” Maomao whispers, falling limp. There was no use in trying to fight. If she couldn’t get him to stop this way, then… “I don’t want to. Please…please get off of me. Let me go.”
Though for a while there had seemed to be a haze over Jinshi’s eyes, at her words, something in him seems to return.
His dark eyes clear a little, before widening in horror. Suddenly, it seems as if he realizes what exactly it is he’s doing.
Before Maomao even realizes what’s happening, the suffocating weight looming over her disappears as Jinshi lets her go, scrambling to his feet. He seems both shocked and horrified as he backs away, his lips slightly parted. “I– I’m sorry, I don’t know what I–”
Maomao can only dazedly lay sprawled there for a moment before slowly pushing herself up, shuddering when she feels how her pants are slightly disheveled. She shakily stands up as Jinshi backs very far away, not meeting her eyes.
“Maomao, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I was just– I don’t know what happened. I–” Jinshi’s eyes seem a little wet. “…I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. You…I promise, I wasn’t going to actually…”
...Then what were you going to do?
Though Maomao has never really felt like this around him, suddenly, she’s acutely aware of how the two of them are completely alone right now. Until someone found them, they were stuck here. No one knew where they were.
She pats herself off, her eyes lowered. Maybe if this had been some random man it wouldn’t have affected her as much since she was aware things like this happened and that if she were to shut down after every bad thing that happened to her, she wouldn’t be able to survive. This was Jinshi, though…
With a glance up at him, she sees the completely shattered expression on his face, the way his eyes sparkle with tears as he backs even further away from her. Looking at him now, it would be impossible to tell that only a few moments earlier…
Shaking her head, Maomao takes in a few deep breaths to try and calm her heart, pounding so frantically within her chest it’s almost painful.
She tells herself to calm down. In the end, nothing had actually happened. When she really thinks about it, apart from how close his lips had been and how his hand had groped dangerously close to her ass, the touches had stopped there. Not to mention, Jinshi had been running around all day with countless layers on and hadn’t eaten or drinken anything in such a humid environment.
Excessive exposure to heat impaired decision-making, and it really had been an out of character thing for him to do. It was clear he hadn’t been completely in his right mind… adding on that it was clearly something very personal to him that he’d wanted to talk about, and it made sense that he’d have an outburst. She’d gone out of her way to provoke him, after all.
Right. Maomao just had to slow down and look at all the facts. What was most important was one: nothing had actually happened, and two: he hadn’t completely been in his right mind. Worse things could have happened.
Despite it being what she tells herself, Maomao can’t shake the feeling of extreme discomfort that sits in the pit of her stomach and makes her nauseous.
It’s silent for a while as they stand on opposite ends of the cave, not looking at the other. Eventually though, when Maomao think’s she’s completely calmed down, her heartbeat only slightly irregular, she says, “We still have to get out of here. If it’s okay with Master Jinshi, please lend me your shoulders again.”
That’s right. The best thing to do is act like this never happened.
Jinshi’s head jerks up. Though his eyes aren’t wet anymore, they’re still wide with self-loathing and horror. He only meets her gaze for a moment before his own falls back to the floor.
His words are so quiet they’re almost inaudible. “...Right.”
Just as before, they both move to where the height from the floor to the exit is the smallest. Just like last time, Jinshi lowers to his knees so that she can climb onto his back. She moves to do just that before she finds herself hesitating.
She doesn’t really want to touch him right now.
Swallowing, she tries to shake away her feelings of disgust and unease, something like fear having nestled so deep within her chest it was impossible to just simply shake away. Ultimately, this was currently the only way the both of them would be able to get out the cave without outside help. Any unnecessary feelings right now didn’t matter, not when this needed to be done.
Abruptly, the sound of a dog barking cuts through the otherwise silent space.
They both look up to the sight of a familiar dog peering down into the opening, and Maomao finds her chest filling with relief, a shaky breath leaving her. Bringing two fingers to her mouth, she loudly whistles. The dog thankfully seems to recognize her. It quickly jumps down, and she goes to hug it, ignoring the way her fingers just barely tremble as she strokes its soft fur.
If this dog was here, it likely meant there was another way to get out. Help had come.
“Master Lihaku! We’re down here!” she shouts.
Her assumption was right. After a few seconds she hears Lihaku shout something back, hears his footsteps thundering towards where they are.
Maomao gently pets the dog in a daze, hugging it close to herself as she waits for him to come save them.
***
Maomao lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling with tired eyes.
Now that some time had passed and she’d been able to take her mind off things a bit, she feels a little better. She’d had an entire day to justify everything, and the more she thinks about it, the more she tries to convince herself it wasn’t a big deal. Jinshi really had seemed to want to explain something important and she’d dismissed him so fervently, going out of her way to provoke him while she did it. It made sense that in a fit of frustration he’d acted out. He wouldn’t have actually gone through with it.
Right?
Despite trying to convince herself of these things, she finds it more difficult than she’d thought. Of course people made mistakes, especially when frustrated and not completely in their right mind from extraneous sources like stress and heat, but still…
She sighs, rubbing at her eyes that had drooped closed without her noticing. Despite herself, a feeling of hurt settles deep in her chest. She still isn’t able to completely get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of fear, either, the almost primal fear she had felt in that moment of being pinned down, knowing there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop what was about to happen.
…Why would he do that to her?
Polite, almost hesitant-sounding knocking sound out from the door, and Maomao lethargically shifts her head to glance at it.
Most of everyone should be at tonight’s banquet right now. Gaoshun is the only one she could see visiting her, but even he should be attending as well, shouldn’t he? Who could be knocking?
Though she feels exhausted from the long day and would really rather just sleep, being both a woman and a servant amongst all these people with high ranks meant that her status was practically worth dirt in comparison.
She couldn’t afford to offend anyone here, and so she quickly pulls herself out of bed, calling out, “I’m coming!”
Whoever’s on the other side of the door doesn’t say anything and quietly waits there as she pats down her slightly disheveled hair and walks over. When she peeks through though, she can’t help but freeze when she’s met with the sight of a dejected-looking Jinshi. Her mind races.
Why was he here? He was the last person she wanted to see right now, why wasn’t he attending the banquet? Why come here?
For an awful split-second, she has the thought that he had come here to finish what he’d been interrupted from before. Just as quickly though, she swats the thought away. Looking at him now, he seems… regretful. Nervous. He didn’t seem like he’d…
When Maomao doesn’t say anything, Jinshi speaks up. “You don’t have to open the door if you don’t want to.”
Of all the things she’d been expecting him to say, it hadn’t been that. It’s a relief; she hadn’t really wanted to see him right now. If he wanted to come here and seek her out himself, then it felt better to have the door closed.
In… in case he wanted to try anything again, having the door closed would be safer. Even if he could just open it and barge in if he really wanted to, it makes her feel better.
It is curious as to why he’d want to visit her now. Though she keeps the door closed, she does inch closer to it as she looks on to where Jinshi must be standing on the other side. She hears the subtle sound of him taking a breath.
“What I did must have upset you,” he says. His voice just barely shakes. “I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t make excuses, nor does he try to defend himself. Rather, he apologizes with a voice trembling from regret.
“I’m sorry.”
There’s a long moment of silence as his words sit heavy in the air.
Though Maomao wants to say something, nothing comes out. Jinshi must feel a similar way because he doesn't say anything more, either.
For a while, they both stand in silence on opposite sides of the door.
It was difficult to admit, but what he had done earlier really had shaken Maomao. No matter how much she tried to convince herself that it wasn’t a big deal, that nothing had really even happened, it was impossible to completely rid herself of her feelings.
Though never to such an extent, she has been cornered before and attempts had been made towards her. Hell, she had even been kidnapped. Though it sometimes left her feeling a little shaken up, ultimately, it was something she could sweep under the rug. It was just a facet of life, and while terrible, life went on. Maybe there was something wrong with her, but she didn’t let things like that phase her too much.
More than anything, the main reason it hurt was because it had been Jinshi.
And yet here he was now, standing on the other side of the door after having apologized. Though she can’t see him, she knows what face he must be making at that moment.
She wonders if she’s making a similar one.
Conflicted feelings swirl throughout her chest. Though she still feels unsettled, now that he’s come to her like this, she feels… a little better.
Maomao thinks of the look of horror she had seen in his eyes upon realizing what he’d been about to do, replays the remorse clinging to each syllable of his words as he’d apologized. It didn’t seem like he’d wanted to do that, either. It really had seemed like it was a mistake.
Some mistakes couldn’t be reversed, nor could they be excused. It all depended on if the person subjected to those mistakes chose to forgive them or not.
Leaning with her back against the door, Maomao looks up at the ceiling of the small room she had been given to stay in.
Never before has she been in a situation like this. She doesn’t really know what to do, doesn’t know if she was just stupid and naive, but… she really does think it had been a genuine mistake. In a lapse of judgment, Jinshi had done something he’d regretted, and he had come here to try and make things right after acknowledging that he’d done something wrong.
She could at least acknowledge that.
“…You don’t have to worry about it,” Maomao eventually says, not knowing how else to respond, not even knowing if her response is the right one. Was there a right way to respond to something like this?
If he ever did anything like that again she would accept he was a shitty person who couldn’t be trusted, but at least for now, she… she doesn’t want to think of him in that way.
Was that too naive? Would she be saying the same thing if it happened to one of her sisters?
She feels troubled upon realizing her answer.
This was Jinshi. She’s spent the past year with him. And in the past year, she’s seen that he was at least a decent person. Someone who could be frivolous and immature at times while mature and calculated at others. Someone whose kindness shined through in ways that weren’t always immediately obvious.
Someone she’s grown to like as a person, just a little.
She doesn’t hate him. She never has. Even now, she…
“I also want to ask for forgiveness,” she suddenly says, remembering her taunts about his decently-sized frog. Now that they were making amends, it feels like the right thing to do.
A familiar childish groan rings out from behind the door, sounding like the Jinshi she’s familiar with, and Maomao lets out a breath.
Though her heart still feels sore, feels as if it’s an open, festering wound, it no longer feels as if salt is being shoved into it. Like this, her chest feels just a little lighter.
She closes her eyes.