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Chloe’s first pregnancy had been a breeze, Brooke had been born happy and healthy, and both she and Beca taken to motherhood enthusiastically and easily. So, needless to say, the two had (perhaps naively) expected the same with Charlie. However, a snowstorm, downed power lines, and some painful personal news had created the perfect recipe for early labour and an unexpected and difficult home birth that had almost cost Beca both her wife and her son. Fortunately, both of them were now healthy and recovering, at home where they belonged after a long two weeks in the hospital but Beca had remained a nervous wreck.
Chloe was on strict bedrest orders as a condition of being allowed to go home, which left Beca in charge of both Brooke and Charlie as well as making sure that Chloe was obeying doctor’s orders. That included seeing to Charlie every time he woke up in the night, the plan they’d had for one of those bedside crowds going out of the window because Chloe needed her rest, so Beca remained glued to the baby monitor, up and out of bed every time Charlie so much as murmured in his sleep.
She was running herself into the ground, and Chloe hated to see Beca so exhausted and stressed all the time. She knew that Beca would do anything for them, but after all the stress and drama of the last couple of weeks (that Chloe herself remembered very little of) it had pushed her over the edge and made her feel powerless. There was nothing that Beca hated more than that feeling, and Chloe knew it. She also knew that unless someone said something, unless she intervened and showed Beca otherwise, Beca wouldn’t stop feeling that way.
“You’re up early.”
Beca jumped a little as her head snapped to the doorway of the nursery, finding Chloe leant against the frame with a soft, concerned smile on her face. She had been sat next to Charlie’s crib, watching him sleep after she’d changed him, her head resting on his stomach. It made her feel calm, at least for a few minutes, soothed her to feel him breathing under her hand, to see his happy and blissful expression. These moments of quiet were the only thing close to peace she had felt in weeks, and they were the only thing that kept her going.
“I never really went to sleep.” Beca shrugged, “Charlie needed a diaper change at about three am, I guess I just… hung out afterwards. What are you doing out of bed Chlo, you know you’re supposed to be resting.”
“So are you.” Chloe countered, raising an eyebrow as she slowly, and a little stiffly, to join Beca, “Becs you’ve barely slept since the snowstorm, you’re going to make yourself ill.”
“I can’t.” Beca mumbled, hand moving to stroke Charlie’s head instead, watching him intensely, “I can’t sleep Chloe, I can’t eat, I can’t… I can’t breathe sometimes because I’m that scared of losing all of you.”
“Oh baby…” Chloe sighed, wrapping her arms around Beca’s shoulders and kissing the crown of her head, “You’re not going to lose us. That was a bad night, for all of us, and I wish I could remember enough of it to reassure you better that it will never happen again.”
Beca sighed as she lent back into Chloe, shaking her head a little, tears starting to streak down her cheeks, “It’s not your fault Chlo, it’s not like any of it happened because of something we did wrong, it’s just… I love you so much, and after everything we went through seven, eight years ago now, the idea of losing everything we’ve built I- I can’t-”
“I know.” Chloe gently ran her fingers through Beca’s hair, smiling sadly at her, “I know Beca. We’ve really been through it, but we’ve always been together, after all of it we always have each other still. Because nothing on this earth that could keep me from you Beca Mitchell, you are the love of my life and I will be here with you forever, no matter what.”
“I love you so damn much Chloe Mitchell.” Beca reached up and cupped Chloe’s cheek, “You, and Brooke and Charlie, you’re the most important people in my life and the way I felt that night…”
Beca closed her eyes tightly, lips pursed together, “With this tiny baby in my arms, barely breathing, with you bleeding out on our sofa I… I never want to feel that afraid ever again, I have to make sure that you’re okay, that you’re all okay and no-one can hurt you anymore, I-”
“Becs, baby, listen to me.” Chloe moved from behind Beca to next to her, wincing a little as she pulled up a footstool to sit on, her stomach aching a little from where her incision had barely healed, but this far too important for her to stay in bed, “We need you, that much is absolutely true but if you keep running yourself into the ground like this then we’re not going to have you. When was the last time you actually slept for more than hour at a time?”
“I don’t know.” Beca sniffed, “Probably before Charlie was born? I was pulling all-nighters at the hospital with him in the NICU, or I was at home looking after the two of you and making sure Brooke didn’t feel abandoned, I… I can’t stop looking after you guys Chlo, what kind of wife and mother would that make me?”
“I know you feel like you can’t.” Chloe tucked a strand of Beca’s limp hair behind her ear, wondering when the last time she’d had chance to take a shower was, “But I promise that you can, that you can take a break Becs and look out for yourself as well as us. I’m feeling so much better than I did, and I can sit with the kids while you take a shower, I can take an overnight shift or we can get a bedside crib still. You cannot do this all by yourself Beca.”
“You’re supposed to be resting though…” Beca sighed heavily, head falling into her hands, “You nearly died Chloe, I can muddle though for another week or two until you’re all the way better, I just… keep taking little power naps here and there and-”
“No.” Chloe was firm as she shook her head, “No you are not carrying on like this Beca, this stops today. If I have to physically force you to go to bed then I will, you are not doing this anymore.”
“Chloe-”
“No Beca.” Chloe cupped Beca’s face in her hands, heart breaking to see the depths of the bags under her eyes and the hollow quality starting to appear in her cheeks, “You’re getting sick, you’re barely functioning, please baby… for me, for our kids, please just stop. I love you, but you’re killing yourself.”
“I’m sorry.” Beca whimpered, sagging a little in Chloe’s hands, “I just want to be good enough for all of you, to be able to carry you when you’re sick or struggling like you do for me, I… I’m sorry I’m not good enough.”
“Stop.” Chloe shook her head, pulling her gently into her arms, Beca starting to sob against her as she buried her head in her lap, “You are more than good enough Beca Mitchell, you are my hero, my saviour, my guiding light. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you, and nothing will ever change that.”
“It was supposed to be me…” Beca sobbed in her lap, “If it wasn’t for this stupid shrapnel in my back then-”
“It’s not your fault.” Chloe shook her head, fingers moving slowly and rhythmically through her hair, “We made a deal Beca, we worked with what we had, and we’re all still here. I know you want to feel in control and useful, but you are already both of those things baby. We’re a family, which means you don’t have to do anything on your own anymore…”
“I just want to fix it…” Beca sighed, sobs having subsided, now simply just exhausted as she sank into the feeling of Chloe’s touch and the way it calmed her like nothing ever had, “I want to make it all better and just… go back to the way things were before the snowstorm.”
“It is fixed Beca.” Chloe shook her head a little, “I’m here, I’m alive and well, and so is Charlie. We’re home again, as a family, learning to be four rather than three. The only thing to fix is your stubbornness and determination to do it all by yourself.”
Beca scoffed, looking up at Chloe as she smiled a little for the first time since Charlie had born, “Okay… if you really think that I’m doing too much, that I need to slow down then I guess… I guess I can do that.”
“Good.” Chloe sniffed softly, stroking Beca’s cheek with her thumb, “I love you baby, so much… will you come back to bed with me? Finally get some sleep?”
Beca nodded, getting to her feet and helping Chloe to hers, frowning a little as she saw her wince again.
“You really should be resting still, I can’t leave you to do everything.”
“Which is why I’m calling Bree at more sociable hour. She’s always said that we can ask her to help anytime, she and Stacie love looking after the kids you know that.” Chloe raised her eyebrow, “You could’ve called them sooner.”
“Alright, alright.” Beca grumbled good naturedly, “I get it. This means I’m getting a lecture from Posen tomorrow doesn’t it?”
“Yep.” Chloe giggled a little as Beca help her ease back into bed, “And it’s the least you deserve for so pig-headed.”
“I’m sorry.” Beca sighed, crawling in next to her and resting her head on Chloe’s chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart, “I just wanted to take of everything so you didn’t have to worry about anything apart from getting better.”
“I know.” Chloe mumbled, arms wrapping around her and squeezing her gently, “But you seemed to forget I worry about you too Becs. Now close your eyes my love, it’s time for you to rest now.”
“Okay.” Beca nodded a little, eyes slowly fluttering shut, her whole body aching and exhausted from the whole ordeal, “I love you Chlo… I’m sorry for worrying you.”
“I know you are.” Chloe smiled softly, “And that’s the last time you apologise for it okay? You were doing it for our family, even if it wasn’t the right decision to make.”
Beca just hummed a little, Chloe realising that her breathing had deepened, body that had once been so tense relaxed and slumped against her. She was finally asleep, after three long weeks of stress and fear, Beca had finally allowed herself to fall asleep. All she had needed was permission to rest, and now she had it Beca could finally take care of herself again. Chloe simply stroked her hair, never as happy as she was in these moments with Beca in her arms and world was quiet. Her wife was as stubborn as they came, but she loved her for it, and as long as she listened to her when she told her to take care of herself, then Chloe couldn’t really ask for anything more.
“I love you, you stubborn ass.” Chloe whispered, kissing the top of Beca’s head as she to fell asleep again, nothing but fondness in her heart for the lightly snoring woman asleep on her chest.
She hoped when Brooke and Charlie were old enough to understand such things, they’d know just how deeply Beca loved them and would sacrifice everything for them to be happy.