Chapter Text
I bet you’re wondering how I got here… no I’m not that cliche, this is a high budget fanfiction god dammit.
How about it was a dark and stormy night. Fuck, no that’s shit too.
What if… holy balls! You’re here already!
Fuck it, I guess I’m going with a classic, a beginning to a story every person in their right mind knows, and not a niche personal reference the author is making at all!
We’re rolling “Suicide.”
Now that we’ve got that embarrassing shit show out of the way, I can finally get to what’s been promised: sweet sweet yaoi. Although, as you might be able to see, I am in no position to smack Wolverine’s ass like we’ve all been waiting for.
…I’ve realized a flaw in the plan, this isn’t a movie and you can’t see everything happening around me. Fuck! You probably think I’m narrating from a cushy sofa somewhere in New York or god forbid North Carolina. Dammit! Okay how am I gonna do this… fuck this is hard. Not as hard as I’ve been though. These guys are really putting me through the BDSM session of my wet dreams.
You see, these lovely gentlemen over here (I’ve named them Hans, Karl, and Nakatomi) have kidnapped me. They want to get a look at the hot piece of ass I just dragged in from across the multi-verse, and they thought the best way to do that would be kidnapping me! Logan doesn't realize it yet because he's jaded and sad, but I'm actually his best friend in the whole world.
And I have a bad habit of fucking every begrudging middle aged man with a dark backstory that I share screen time with, so this was inevitable. That’s right, Cable likes it up the ass ladies and gents.
Sadly, before me and Wolverine can have super mega awesome sex eight years of references and threatening Kevin Feige's family in the making, little old Logan has to figure out how lovable I am. That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. Or I guess why I’ve been brought here today.
In t-minus one quick nine hour power nap Logan will realize the supple hands waking him up are Blind Al’s and not mine, and then he’ll scour the Earth looking for me! Isn’t it romantic? In his perilous search he’ll learn the true meaning of friendship and love, not that cheap crap we cooked up in three semi-dramatic scenes during the movie. And then, when I am in his arms, gazing up at him through my beautiful eyelashes, he will realize we’re soulmates.