Chapter Text
Looking for a fake boyfriend (20s) for a weekend (bonus if hot)
Wanna piss off some biphobic folks? Wanna get free home cooked food (from said biphobic folks)? Wanna earn a few bucks or maybe get your electrical devices repaired?
PLS BE MY BOYFRIEND FOR A WEEKEND!!!
You can also be older; I’m not opposed to sugar daddies. But I guess those things will not entice you if you are not a broke, gay college student like me (I am cute tho, and broke if you want to sugar daddy me)
(folks are not aggressively homophobic, they just don’t believe me that I’m bi, so no danger or anything)
“Are you for real, dunce face?” Katsuki is standing behind him, looking over his shoulder at the laptop screen. Denki hits “post” and shuts the laptop.
“Yeah,” he lets his head drop to the back of the couch. “I think it can’t hurt to try. And it would be so funny if it works.” He snorts, imagining the look of his mother when he brings home a guy. “Besides, you wouldn’t do it, so I need to find a guy somewhere else.”
“Do I look like I would pretend to be your boyfriend?”
“Exactly what I’m talking about. I need someone who can express other emotions aside from anger anyway.”
“Hey! I know how to fucking express emotions!”
“Sure you do. That's why you broke the screen of your phone again!” Denki laughs as he ducks out of the way of Katsukis fist. He scrambles from the couch, holding his laptop like a shield.
“Just don’t go with some creep.” Katsuki grumbles with his arms crossed.
“Awww, you do care!”
“I care about not wanting to look for a new roommate when you get murdered in your sleep!”
“You keep telling yourself that!” Denki singsongs the words while going to his room.
***
It is mostly creeps that contact him. Several ask for his address outright (he ignores those messages with a shudder), some ask for dickpics (he is grateful to have posted his ad without a picture) and a few belittle him for having to look on craigslist of all places (he has no shame, so there isn’t a problem with any of those messages. He is doing it for the bit and people who don’t respect that are not funny anyway). He has nearly given up, surrendering himself to going alone to his grandma's 70th birthday and braving the questions about when he will finally bring home a girl, when he finally gets a promising message.
Brainwash:
Hey, is that ad of yours still active? The boyfriend one, not the Will-repair-your-laptop-basically-for-free one
Chargebolt:
Yeah, hi! You interested?
Brainwash:
Yes. What do you need to know?
Chargebolt:
Just tell me a bit about yourself. Age, what do you do, hobbies, fav animal
Brainwash:
why is my favorite animal important? (its cats)
Chargebolt:
because
it’s a cute fact
Brainwash:
23, study (art, psychology), reading, petting my cats, cats
Chargebolt:
Cats, multiple?
Brainwash:
yes, why?
Chargebolt:
that explains why you would contact me. Youre an alone cat-gay
Brainwash:
who says I’m gay?
Chargebolt:
You want to pretend to be my boyfriend to piss off prejudiced people. You have multiple cats. You study art. The only thing missing is a crazy haircolor.
Brainwash:
…
Chargebolt:
omg, which color is your hair?!
Brainwash:
purple
Chargebolt:
love it already, mines a really yellow blonde, that looks good together, right?
Brainwash:
it could
Chargebolt:
wow, don’t blow me away with your charm
Brainwash:
didn’t know that was a requirement
Chargebolt:
you are pretending to be my boyfriend for 3 days, sooooo…
Brainwash:
Oh, so I got the job already?
Chargebolt:
well no. my roommate says we should meet on neutral ground in case you are a serial killer who is just out there to get me and skin me alive. He cares deeply about me.
Brainwash:
does he?
Chargebolt:
well, actually he said “no creeps, dunceface, meet him for coffee, I don’t want to look for a new roommate” it was very precious of him
Brainwash:
sounds like it doesn’t take a lot to charm you tbh
Chargebolt:
kat just has his own bar, I expect more from my not boyfriend
speaking of expecting
Brainwash:
I’m sorry, but I don’t know you enough to have children with you
Chargebolt:
yet
but anyways, I was talking more about the payment part. You know I’m pretty broke, right?
Brainwash:
I guessed from your cheap laptop-repair-service
I don’t want money from you anyways
Chargebolt:
uhm
ARE you a creep?
Brainwash:
I actually want to go quid pro quo with you
If that’s alright
my family is always on me for not having a partner
Chargebolt:
so you ARE an alone cat-gay
Brainwash:
So we could help each other out
three dinners with my family, for three days with yours. We pretend to be each others boyfriends. My family gets off my back because I am heartbroken over our inevitable break up
Chargebolt:
And mine finally sees my incredible gay energy
sounds great. So when are you up for coffee?
Brainwash:
I kinda always am
***
Denki fiddles nervously with his muffin, breaking pieces off of it every now and then to put them in his mouth. On Katsukis insistence he suggested a café on campus, since they are both students and it doesn’t give anything away about the location of his actual flat. Katsuki is also sitting three tables over, having dragged the whole squad to be on the lookout for them. He can hear them joke, but keeps his eyes peeled for the door. Brainwash had texted him to look for “Purple and tired”, to which he had replied he is “Blonde and wired”, because, you know, it rhymes and he is studying electrical engineering and there are wires and… nevermind.
They hadn’t even exchanged names yet. But he had a lot of fun texting, so he is kind of nervous to meet this Brainwash.
This is not a date! He reminds himself. He has a tendency to crush fast and hard, and maybe Mina had told him one too many stories about people fake dating and getting together for real during that, and this could be his meet cute and he brushes over his hair, smooths down his shirt and is so incredibly nervous that he practically bounces in his seat.
“I should not have given you that coffee.”
Denkis head whips around, from the door to the voice next to him. It’s the barista. He is dressed in simple black clothes, fitted nicely to his body, but hidden under an apron. He has a lip piercing, black tunnels in his ears and deep eyebags. He is in the process of untying his apron, and slides in the chair across from Denki, before he has a chance to react.
“Uh, I’m kind of waiting for someone,” he says, trying not to blush. The barista (he doesn’t wear his name tag anymore) looks good. Tired, sure, but soft eyes, high cheekbones, full lips. His eyebrow is pierced. A slight stubble sits on his chin and cheeks and his long-sleeved black shirt sits just low enough to show a bit of his collarbones. It's distracting. His fingernails are painted black, Denki realizes as he raises his hand to tug at his beanie, sliding it off to reveal a head full of unruly hair.
Purple unruly hair.
“I know,” he says, smirking at Denki and shit, that can’t be fair, can it?
As always, his brain to mouth filter is non-existent, so he blurts out: “Why do you need a fake boyfriend?!”
Brainwash looks stunned for a second. Then he shrugs, a slight blush creeping onto his face. Denki has a hard time keeping his mouth from dropping open.
Great, he thinks, this must be a record or something. I never crushed this fast.
“Because I don’t want a real one?” Brainwash takes a sip of his own coffee.
“Wait, so you aren’t gay?” Crush over already?
“No, I am. Well, I’m not, I’m more like… I don’t care?” Brainwash shrugs again. “I prefer men, but generally… I like people, you know?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “But that’s not what that’s about. I don’t want a relationship. I’m happy, just as I am.” He shrugs again.
Denki deflates a little. “Yeah, that makes sense. I’m Kaminari by the way. Or Denki, if we are going to be fake boyfriends.” The fake already feels bitter on his tongue.
“Shinsou Hitoshi,” the purple haired man replies.
“So, Hitoshi for me?”
A nod.
“Wow, sexual orientation before names, that’s a new one.” Denki takes a bite out of his muffin and Hitoshi snorts. “So, are we doing this?” Before Hitoshi can react, he adds: “Don’t shrug!”
Hitoshi smiles (oh fuck) and nods. “I think we can do this.”
“Great.” Denki digs a notebook and a pen out of his backpack. He places them on the table. “We should first talk about dates.”
“Dates?” Hitoshi raises his eyebrows.
“Yeah, when we are going to my family, when to yours. Also, we should get to know each other a bit. So we don’t seem like strangers. Like, I know, you like cats, but surely there is more about you. We also need a backstory. Like how did we get together, what dates did we go on, why do we like each other and so on. And I need to write it down, because what I don’t write down, I forget. Like literally, it drops from my mind. And it would be kind of embarrassing to be found out, because I say we met, while I was fighting crime or something and you talked the kidnapper into letting me go and you said you brought me your laptop to be fixed. And also, I am rambling, so that’s one thing you can write down about me. It happens. A lot actually, sorry, you seem like a guy that likes peace and quiet. Hopefully, people will believe you want to date me. You gotta make it seem real, so if you can’t, you should maybe tell me now, because – “
“Oh god,” Hitoshi drops his head in his hands. “You are just like my Pa.”
“Oh, you have daddy issues? That would be a great explanation why you would date me, if I am like him.” And also a great reason to break up, he adds in his head. He doesn’t want to say it though.
“No, I love my Pa. It’s just… never mind, why would I talk a kidnapper into letting you go?” He looks at Denki with a frown.
“Well, you study psychology. And I don’t think you can draw to get me free.” He hesitates for a second. “Well, maybe you could. I guess it depends on how good you are. What kind of stuff do you draw? Oh! Is it porn? I hear people pay a pretty penny for porn.”
“I don’t draw porn,” Hitoshi shakes his head, the frown deepening. “But I’m still not over – Why would you be kidnapped?”
“Because I’m fighting crime, of course! Criminals don’t want crazy cool heroes to chase after them, so they kidnap me!”
“Are you fighting crime?”
“Well, no. But I could be!” Denki imitates choppy Karate moves with his arms.
“Let's maybe think of another story. Maybe we just met here?” Hitoshi gestures around to the coffee shop. “It wouldn’t even be a lie and since I work here it makes sense. You study at UA, right?”
Denki nods and takes a sip of his coffee. “Electrical engineering. But isn’t that boring? Maybe I should ask Mina, she knows that stuff.” He cranes his head and waves to the table.
“These are your friends?” Hitoshi watches them warily, as they get up immediately to come over. “They seem… loud.”
Katsuki is the first one over. “So you’re the craigslist creep, hah?” His eyes are squinting suspiciously and his arms are crossed.
“You must be the caring roommate?” Hitoshi replies, a slightly amused lilt in his voice.
“Don’t get fucking snarky with me, eyebags!”
“Be nice, Katsuki!” Mina interjects and reaches out her hand to Hitoshi. “Hi, I’m Ashido Mina, but you can call me Mina. We are Denkis friends.” Hitoshi grabs and shakes it. “Shinsou.”
“Why should I be nice?!”
“Because we like this coffee shop and he obviously works here,” Sero answers, before clapping Hitoshis back and adding his own name. “I’m Sero, and these are Bakugou and Kirishima.”
Kirishima grins and waves at Hitoshi.
“Oi, Pikachu,” Katsuki interjects again. “He okay?”
“Doesn’t seem to be a serial killer,” Denki replies with a smile. “He doesn’t even draw porn.”
“Okay, great!” Mina claps her hands, looking at all of them with an over exaggerated smile. “Then we will leave you to it. You have a lot to talk about with all the dating stuff, so chop chop. Denks, text us later when you're done, okay?”
“But Mina, I actually – “
“No can do, Denks, I have somewhere to be! Come on, guys!” And she drags the whole squad out of the door, but not without winking at Denki in the last possible moment.
He knows what this means. He has been obvious. Fuck.
He looks back to Hitoshi. “Yeah, so, these were my friends.”
“You brought them?”
“Not really, they just wanted to make sure I'm safe.” And see if this is a meet-cute. Mina obviously got her answer.
“That’s nice, I guess.”
Denki nods. Then he clears his throat. “Okay, so we met here. Who approached who? Did you write your number on my coffee cup?”
Hitoshi shakes his head. “I wouldn’t do that. I have always been pretty open about not looking for a relationship. You probably wore me down.”
“I can be pretty persistent,” Denki agrees.
“So how would you have flirted with me?”
Denki makes finger guns. “Hey, hot stuff, can I get you a coffee?”
Hitoshi stares at him.
“You know? Because you look tired? And you normally get me coffee? Because you work here?”
Hitoshi keeps staring.
“Hey, lilac lover, are you here often?” Another pair of finger guns. “Because you work here, you know? It's funny, because of course you are here often.”
“We are gonna have a tough time selling this to my family.”
Ouch. “Finger guns too much?”
“Yes. Also, lilac lover?”
“I can drop the finger guns, but to be honest, I feel like they make up 50% of my charm. I could also go for lavender lover if you like that better. Or maybe I can think of a word to go with purple. Give me a second. P… P… Penis? No, that's too forward. Person? No, that’s weird. Pretty? True, but I need a noun. Passport! No, that makes no sense.”
“Why do we need alliterations?” Hitoshi sounds pained.
“They sound good!”
Hitoshi groans as his head hits the table.