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One manicured hand let the phone receiver down, the other got lost in the process of pushing back blonde curls.
"Rindy is coming tomorrow. Here."
The words were slow and deliberate, like Carol needed to hear them herself.
Therese had known it was Harge on the phone by the way Carol had felt the need to stand to take the call rather than sink into the lounge chair the way she did for anyone else. By the way her hand had tightened around the receiver and the fingers on her other hand balled themselves into a loose fist, fingernails digging into her palm.
Therese hadn't expected this outcome however, and it was clear, grey eyes lost out the apartment window, neither had Carol.
'Carol that's wonderful. Really.'
A beat of silence then Carol slowly turned to face Therese, noting the warm smile that greeted her. She sighed, one hand coming to rest on her hip, 'Harge said she's been asking for me. Wanting to see where I live now.'
Therese waited until Carol met her gaze, 'Of course she has, you're her mother.'
Carol nodded, more to herself than Therese, hands sliding down over her skirt, searching.
A small smile playing on her lips Therese opened the flat drawer in the coffee table next to her, sliding out a cigarette and extending it to Carol.
Stockinged feet took a few steps and Carol sat on the lounge behind Therese, leaning forward, placing her mouth a few inches from Therese's outreached hand.
Indulgent, Therese placed the cigarette between red lips and watched as Carol lit it, leaning back and disappearing in a blue haze of smoke.
Therese went back to her set design, leaning forward over the cardboard model, concentrating. Minutes of easy silence. Therese could only hear the slight huff of Carol's breath as she exhaled, the bitter smoke filling Therese's nostrils.
'He said he'd allow me to have her for an afternoon. He'd allow it. Bastard.'
Bent over her set Therese closed her eyes, wanting nothing more than to join Carol on the couch and rest her head on her shoulder. She stayed on the floor.
A bitter laugh left Carol's mouth, 'What's worse is that I'm grateful.'
Therese scooted backwards, spine resting against the couch. She pressed a quick kiss to Carol's knee, rested her temple on Carol's leg. 'I'll find somewhere to go tomorrow afternoon. Studio probably.'
There was an ugly silence after that. A loaded one. One where Therese felt like her whole body was gunpowder. A silence in which a small part of Therese's brain wondered if it was all over. If Rindy was going to be back in Carol's life would she be discarded? Are you going to leave me again?
Therese wished Carol would put out her cigarette for fear it would ignite the air and burn them up in the explosion. Dimly Therese realized she could no longer hear Carol exhaling the smoke.
She turned sharply, noting the way Carol's hand hovered between her mouth and her lap, cigarette frozen halfway. When Therese's eyes flicked to Carol's face she was rendered mute by the sheer intensity of the grey gaze. Expressionless, Carol's face gave no hint as to her thoughts but Therese couldn't look away.
Finally, 'Don't you dare.'
Therese felt a small thrill of nervousness run down the back of her neck at the ferocity of Carol's tone. She ignored it as Carol continued to speak.
'I want you here. With me. Rindy wanted to see where I live. You, are a very important part of that.'
Therese felt relief fill her body as quickly as though someone had turned a tap on above her head. Then something deeper. Fear.
'Carol, Harge could-'
Carol tossed her head and ground out the cigarette in the ashtray next to her, 'Let him. I am a mother. But that does not mean that I should have to choose between who I am and my child. I will not cut myself in half.'
Therese exploded for a different reason.
**
Therese folded her skirt carefully and lay it over the back of a padded armchair in the corner of the bedroom she shared with Carol. A combination of moonlight and the street lights on the road below their apartment filtered in through partially closed curtains.
Therese hesitated as she moved, a moment of uncertainty, unsure whether to finish undressing and slip naked between the sheets or continue across the room to try and dig her pajamas out of the wardrobe. She exhaled, shaking her head at herself. Turning, she gazed at the strip of harsh electric light and steam that escaped the slightly ajar en suite door. Carol was taking a shower, a habit she'd developed whenever she was stressed, or needed to mull something over. Normally a slight tug on Therese's hand was enough to get her to follow Carol to the bathroom. Tonight Carol had just disappeared from the living room without so much as a glance in Therese's direction.
Therese perched on the edge of the bed, wearing only her underwear in the grey half-darkness, staring unseeingly at the sliver of light coming from the bathroom. Rindy was coming tomorrow. Carol wanted her there. But since the call from Harge earlier that morning Carol had been agitated, distant. Therese turned this information over in her head like it was a coin that she could study both sides of. Nerves about Rindy? Harge? Her?
So absorbed in thought Therese nearly jumped out of her skin when Carol swung open the bathroom door and appeared in the light. She was dressed in her robe, hair damp, slight frown, 'You're still up.'
Thankful for the cover of darkness Therese blushed and studied her toes as they pressed into the carpet, 'I couldn't decide whether to wear pajamas to bed or not. Isn't that ridiculous.'
Carol flicked off the bathroom light and walked the few steps around to the opposite side of the bed, her side. Before clambering in she removed her robe, tossing it on the same chair that held Therese's skirt. Therese couldn't help her sharp intake of breath as pale, glowing light from outside fell on the expanse of Carol's skin.
Carol's voice was almost husky when she spoke, 'No pajamas.'
Therese cocked her head in subdued amusement as Carol slid into bed continuing, 'Didn't you know that if I can't sleep with you naked then I don't want to sleep with you at all?'
'Is that so?'
'Mmmhmm.'
Therese swiveled so her feet were up on the bed now, not underneath the sheets, 'What about what I'm wearing now?'
On her side, propped up by one elbow, sheets only just meeting a hip, Carol appraised Therese, 'No. Entirely too much clothing.'
Therese threw back her head and laughed, simultaneously reaching back to undo and slip off her bra, 'How's this then?'
Carol's eyes glided over Therese again, lingering slightly longer this time, 'Still not quite good enough.'
Therese lay her head back on her pillow before lifting her hips and extending her arms out to slip off her underwear. A manicured hand latched gently onto Therese's wrist before she had even reached her hips, 'Let me.'
Carol sat up and Therese simultaneously adored and hated the way her heart began to pound in her chest.
Red fingernails slipped under the band of Therese's panties, one on either side of her hips. Therese couldn't help the way her breath hitched slightly as the offending item was slid down her legs and flung onto the floor. Carol remained sitting, appraising Therese as she lay flat, 'Much better.'
'Is that so?'
'Mmmhmm,' leaning over the top of Therese Carol kissed her languidly, sensually, hand creeping up her neck. Therese felt her stomach begin to unclench slowly, familiarly. Her favorite thing about Carol's kisses was how different they could be. One night they'd be like the ocean, violent, rolling, relentless, deeply powerful and completely unfathomable. On these nights Therese felt as though they were waves in a storm, dashing themselves repeatedly on the rocks until they were destroyed in a fragmented display. On other nights Carol's kisses were like a river, slow moving and so deeply constant it was hard to imagine them ever stopping.
Therese smiled against Carol's lips.
'What're you thinking?'
'About you, mostly.'
Propped up on one elbow Carol used the other hand to run her fingers through Therese's hair, combing it back from her face.
Therese shifted closer ensuring that her nose was mere inches from Carol's. Extended a leg so that her knee slipped between Carol's own, intertwining them in the bed.
Carol lay her head down on the pillow and slid her arm across the small gap between them which felt like millimeters and miles all at once. She slipped her fingers between Therese's, knotting their fingers together.
Neither said a word. That night they were happy to just be, twisted around one another like the roots of two trees that had grown together.
**
She'd smoked six cigarettes already that morning. Therese had found their butts, burnt out and dying in the ash tray like the bodies of little enemy soldiers.
She'd also slipped out of bed, before Therese had awoken, one of the rare times Therese hadn't been the first one awake. She hadn't realized how much she loved to wake Carol with a little kiss to the sharpest angle of her jaw, right near her ear.
Instead, she'd awoken to Carol's steady gaze from the armchair in the corner of their bedroom. Fully dressed, hair immaculate, nothing out of place. Except her eyes. Her eyes that clung to Therese like a lifeline. Her eyes that were slightly wild around the edges. She hadn't shown even the slightest hint of embarrassment when Therese met her gaze. In fact Therese had looked away first. Carol had risen, coming to sit at the foot of the bed. Therese had slid down to meet her. She'd pressed that morning kiss to the exact same spot on Carol's jaw and felt a little of the tension slip from her shoulders.
'She's going to love it. Love you.'
A tiny dip of the blonde head, acknowledgement, 'It's after that I-'
Then Carol had risen, leaving their bedroom, and Therese had watched her walk away. Still stiff, but not as rigid as before, the Carol Therese knew, not the almost unrecognizable portrait that sometimes took her place.
**
It had been one month since the divorce hearing and two weeks since Carol had been allowed an hour with Rindy, supervised by Harge's mother in his apartment. Therese knew this was almost too long for Carol to bear, even though she'd never said so.
The doorbell rang, loud and clear, startling Therese as she sat on the floor in her studio, staring out the window, untouched set before her. She could hear the tap of Carol's shoes as she walked, slightly faster than usual, to the door. Hear the slight creak it made as it was flung open.
'Mommy!'
'My darling girl.'
If Therese closed her eyes she could see Carol, knees on the floor, crushing Rindy into her, pulling back only to press kisses to her cheeks, eyes, forehead.
'Carol.'
'Hello Harge.'
A silence in which Therese could only hear a giggle of Rindy's. Tiny, as though Carol had lightly pressed a spot on her ribs that she'd known would create that exact noise.
Then Harge's voice, 'Well, uh, I'll pick her up at four then.'
Therese heard the door swing shut.
'How long can I stay mommy?'
'Hours and hours my darling.'
Another silence in which Therese could imagine Carol pressing her mouth to the top of Rindy's head. Then, 'Well, I guess I'd better show you all around my new apartment hm? Would you like to see your room?'
A squeal of delight and then the voices got fainter as the two moved further away from Therese, down the hallway towards the bedrooms.
Therese looked around at the open door of her studio, leading onto the kitchen. It would be easy now, to slip out into the living room and be waiting there when Carol and Rindy reappeared. But it wasn't her place. Carol would bring Rindy to her when she was ready.
Therese had disappeared into her studio a quarter of an hour before Rindy was supposed to arrive. Her own decision, a small effort at allowing Carol a modicum of privacy with her daughter. Carol had come in guns blazing, not even five minutes after she'd left the living room. Don't you hide in our own apartment, Harge be damned-
It had taken Therese the better half of five minutes to convince Carol that she just wanted to allow her a moment alone with Rindy. Didn't want to ambush Rindy with her presence. Carol had gripped her shoulder from behind so tightly that Therese had almost felt the need to check for a bruise.
'And the kitchen in here. We can probably rustle you up a toasted cheese sandwich later. What do you think?'
A smaller voice, 'You'll burn it.'
Even through walls Carol's rich laugh gave Therese the shivers.
'Now darling what about I show you my favorite room in the whole place?'
The bouncing of tiny feet.
'Just through here- now do you remember meeting Therese a couple of months ago? This is her studio, it's where she makes lots of little rooms for lots of different plays, and she's very good at photography as well so there's loads of photos-'
And then suddenly they were in the doorway and Therese was smoothing down her skirt nervously, and, as if she wasn't struggling enough, the soft, easy smile that appeared on Carol's face when she saw her made her stomach twist.
'Hello Rindy,' wide brown eyes were staring up at her, 'it's lovely to see you again.'
'Hi,' Rindy looked around her uncertainly, 'you work in here?'
Therese nodded, trying to get her heart rate to settle, 'I do, that's your mom's desk over there though. Wanna come and see what I'm working on? A set?'
Carol stayed in the doorway while Rindy walked towards Therese, slowly at first, then faster, curious. She wanted to make sure Rindy knew she could go to Therese without accompaniment.
An unconscious smile developed on Carol's face, making the little laugh lines either side of her mouth more prominent. She watched as Therese explained how she made the sets to fit in with a story line, and that in real life there would be actors to say all the lines and an audience to listen to them.
'These rooms are kind of like my doll house back at Daddy's.'
Carol watched Therese frown slightly at this, saw her lean over to a box of glue and knick-knacks and pull out some wooden pegs and paint.
'Rindy,' Therese's tone was serious, 'would you like to help me paint some little dolls to live in this house?'
Rindy nodded eagerly and Carol could've melted.
They spent an hour together splayed out on the floor, painting pegs and acting out little scenes with the characters they created. Rindy laughed for what seemed like entire minutes when Carol leaned over and dabbed some paint on the end of Therese's nose. And Therese nearly imploded when ten minutes later Rindy reached up to do the same thing.
When they decided to pack away the dolls, lunch cue taken from a gurgle in Therese's stomach, Rindy had looked first at Therese, then at her mother, 'Can we go see this play in real life?'
The warmth that filled Carol at hearing the question was better than that of any cocktail, 'Darling we may have to go and see it twice.'
And when Rindy had bounded into the kitchen, leaving Therese and Carol in the studio, Carol had kissed Therese with an intensity that left Therese feeling like someone had stolen all the air out of her body.
**
'Darling say goodbye to Therese, we'll go downstairs and wait for your father.'
Rindy sighed, looking up from the drawing she was doing using some of Therese's pencils, 'I have a room here.'
'I know, and we'll try and organize for you to stay over soon okay? But for tonight your Daddy wants you back with him.'
Therese could nearly see the physical pain Carol was in at having to say those words.
Rindy placed the pencils carefully back in the box and ran over to Therese, busy looking in a kitchen cupboard for the trays she would need to develop the photos from earlier that day at the park.
'Bye Therese.' Rindy pronounced her name differently to Carol, more like TA-rez.
Therese turned and smiled gently, 'See you later Rindy.'
The girl turned, away and then glancing shyly back over her shoulder, 'You didn't burn my sandwich.'
Therese laughed, 'I burned you mothers.'
A giggle, a roll of the eyes, 'I know.'
And then she was gone, running towards Carol who bundled her up in her coat and out the door.
Therese pushed out all the air from her lungs slowly, one continuous breath. She wouldn't exchange their day for anything, but a place in her chest physically ached when she thought of how difficult it was for Carol to keep having to say good bye.
There was something deeper too. An almost panic that she had to force back down her throat whenever she thought of what Harge might say now. What he might do.
Not to her. He couldn't do anything to her. But Carol.
Therese leaned her head back against a cupboard and stared at the ceiling. There was hardly a hope that Harge would stand for Rindy spending time with Carol and Therese as a couple. She didn't even know if Harge knew they lived together. What she did know though, was that there was no way in Hell Carol would ask Rindy to keep Therese a secret. Therese could hear her voice now I will not hide from my daughter. Nor will I sneak around like a school girl.
Therese cursed and adored Carol's pride simultaneously.
She remained in the kitchen studying the ceiling until she heard the door to their apartment open. Quickly, she took a single step out into the lounge room.
Carol, hanging her coat up in the cupboard.
Carol, crossing the living room quickly.
Carol, pressing a kiss to Therese's cheek and gripping her arms almost too hard.
Hair slightly windswept, Carol smiled, a watered down version of the one normally directed Therese's way, and then, without saying a word she disappeared down the hallway towards their bedroom.
A few seconds later Therese heard the shower being turned on.
**
It had taken Therese ten minutes to convince herself to go into the bedroom she shared with Carol, and then she'd spent another five just staring at the closed bathroom door. It wasn't fear that she felt. Just an incredible discomfort at invading Carol's privacy. But she'd be damned if she was going to let Carol brood in there alone.
Therese stripped slowly, unhurried, folding her clothes in a neat pile and leaving them on the bed. She slipped inside the bathroom silently, making no noise as she opened and then closed the door. White steam billowed around her and the air became muggy, almost hard to breathe. The only thing that was clear was Carol, standing with her back to Therese, hands and forehead leaning, pressed into the cool tiles in front of her, letting the water pour down behind her, running in rivulets either side of her spine.
Therese closed her eyes for a second, the ache in her chest having returned. Then she crossed the bathroom, almost slipping on a puddle of water just before the shower. Therese nearly smiled. It was exactly like Carol to have started showering without remembering to close the door.
She stood now, behind Carol, inside the shower, droplets of water bouncing off every surface and almost burning her skin. She reached out with both hands and simply lay them on Carol's shoulders, letting them slide down to sit on her shoulder blades. Carol's whole body stiffened at the touch, hard, like cement. Therese couldn't even see the rise and fall of her ribs that meant she was breathing. Therese left her hands where they were and stepped forward, water pouring down on top of her now, slicking her hair down to her scalp, little streams running into her eyes and down over her cheeks. Her whole body was only inches from Carol's but she kept her distance, instead pressing a soft, open mouthed kiss to the back of Carol's neck. She had no idea how long she stood there for, letting wet, messy kisses disappear up into Carol's hairline. And then, with no warning at all Carol softened, and if she had been cement before then she was tissue paper now. She let her hands fall by her sides, and turned to face Therese slowly and if Therese had been asked to describe her eyes the only word she could've said would've been anguished.
The back of Therese's throat felt like it was closing.
Carol's whisper through the sound of the shower was still smooth, even when she was breaking, 'What if that was the last time I-'
And Therese couldn't think of a single thing to do but she couldn't let Carol finish that sentence so she kissed her.
Carol took a few seconds to respond, Therese was almost about to pull back, but then there was a grip on the back of her neck so strong that she couldn't help arching back into it. Carol's tongue was twisting against hers, and it was Carol who tipped her head back to allow Therese to kiss her neck, scrape her teeth lightly along her jaw.
Both of Therese's arms were underneath Carol's and wrapped around her back, fingers contracting either side of Carol's ribcage. Therese was kissing her way up Carol's neck when she felt rather than heard Carol sigh, deflating a little in Therese's arms. Therese looked up searchingly, was it just her or were Carol's eyes a little watery?
But Carol leaned in and pressed her mouth against Therese's ear and even then Therese could hardly hear her when she whispered, 'I need you.'
A jolt of electricity pumped it's way through Therese's lower stomach. She kissed Carol again, deeper, harder, and at a slight pull she stepped forward, allowing Carol's back to rest against the tiles. Water poured over the both of them, the floor underneath them slippery.
One of Therese's hands stayed wrapped around Carol's waist, the other slid up to Carol's chest, tracing little patterns and palming softly. Carol's head tipped back as Therese kissed a path down her neck, collarbones and chest, letting her mouth slide over Carol's breasts as though they were sacred ground. To Therese they were.
Back up to Carol's mouth and Therese couldn't help but wonder if her lips were going to be bruised in the morning. She almost hoped they would be. A semi permanent tattoo made by Carol.
Water ran down Carol's back in rivulets and Therese's hand lost it's grip sliding lower. Her heart began to pound in her chest when Carol widened her stance. Mouth still moving against Carol's Therese's hand froze. This all still felt relatively new to her. She'd been inside Carol before, but this felt different. This felt important. Carol was too fragile for a mistake tonight.
Noticing the pause Carol pulled back, the up and down movement of her chest slightly more pronounced than usual. Her mouth, tantalizingly close to Therese's ear, was heavy and breathy but firm, 'It's okay.' She punctuated her point by scraping her teeth gently against the shell of Therese's ear, and spreading her legs wider.
Therese groaned, pulling Carol's mouth back down to her own, feeling Carol press even harder against her as one hand trailed down Carol's ribs, over a hip and then, finally between Carol's thighs.
The slight intake of air Carol took when Therese slipped her fingers inside set Therese's abdomen on fire. The slight gasp Carol made when Therese almost immediately slid her fingers out again was kindling.
Eventually they found a rhythm, Therese pressing in and up, Carol with both arms around Therese's shoulders, left leg hitched up over Therese's hip. Therese swallowed Carol's groans with kisses and fought hard not to let her knees go weak whenever a particularly guttural moan escaped the blonde before her. And when Carol's arms started to loosen around Therese's shoulders, and her legs started to shake Therese managed to press them hard into the tiled shower wall so they'd stay upright, even though it would've been so easy for them to melt into a puddle on the floor.
They kept kissing. Even after Carol came and Therese had slipped her fingers out, forearm aching. They just stayed under the shower each tracing the lines of the others body with fingertips, and lips moving together. Unhurried.
**
That same evening, once they'd wrapped each other in robes and moved slowly out to the living room Therese had poured Carol a rye without even having to ask. Now they sat, Therese reading a book, Carol's feet on her lap, Carol sipping her drink and staring at nothing.
Carol could hardly fight the feeling of apprehension that sat deep in her chest. Her life, as she'd known it had already been ripped to shreds and had been lying in pieces at her feet for some months. Mostly, she enjoyed treading on it. Tonight, she felt like Harge was going to set fire to the scraps. Carol knew she'd be caught in the flames.
The harsh shriek of the telephone made both women jump, part of Carol's drink leaping from her glass and sloshing down her hand. The phone continued to ring, and Carol stared at it unmoving. Therese stared at Carol.
Then, in one swift movement Carol was up, snatching the phone from it's hook, 'Hello?' A shaking hand set the glass down.
'Is that Mrs Aird?' Carol didn't recognize the voice.
'Yes.' Breathless.
'It's Susan Rankin. I'm Rindy's nurse. Anyway uh- Mr Aird is out so I hope it's okay that I called but Rindy insisted she say goodnight to you-'
'Put her on.'
'Mommy?'
'Hello my darling girl,' Carol's voice was almost hushed, like she didn't want to ruin the moment by speaking, 'It's almost past your bedtime.'
'I know, but I had to say night.'
'I'm glad you did. You got Teddy there with you?'
A small giggle, 'Yes.' Silence, then, 'Mommy?'
'Yes?' Breathless again.
'Is it bad if I didn't tell Daddy something? He didn't ask but-'
'What is it darling?'
'I didn't tell Daddy about Therese.'
Carol's head jerked up and she looked over at Therese, who sat a little straighter under the grey gaze.
Rindy continued, 'It's just that he might get jealous, because he didn't get to make dolls with us or do anything. And-and Therese seems kind of,' Rindy whispered the last word, 'precious.' Voice normal again, 'Like she could be just a thing for you and me.' Unsure, 'Maybe?'
Carol exhaled for a long time, 'I think it's fine if she's just a thing for you and I Rindy. For now.'
Rindy laughed on the other end of the line, relieved. 'Daddy said I could come again next Saturday? If-'
'Yes. Yes. Yes. My darling.' Carol closed her eyes, 'I'll see you then okay? Sleep tight.'
Carol placed the phone back on the hook and stared at it almost incredulously. Hours could've passed before she looked up to meet Therese's hopeful smile.
Finally, face glowing with wonder, 'She'll be back next Saturday.'