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BAEKHYUN WAS AWAKENED by the rattling sound of his alarm clock that he immediately turned off. The birds are chirping outside, the cool morning breeze entering from the window and the pair of arms cuddling him makes him want to sleep more. But sadly, he can’t miss the important appointment he needs to attend today.
One eye still closed and yawning, he carefully got off the bed and made sure not to make any noise so he would not wake his lover up. He stared at Jongdae’s face for a good two minutes before he headed to the bathroom and got himself done.
On ordinary days, he will wake up very late and find everything in their proper places already— may it be the magazine he was reading the last night that he left in the couch because he doze off there, a glass he left in the center table, an open bag of chips in the kitchen counter— all will be in their designated places in the next morning.
Jongdae tends to clean up the mess he’s always making without complaining. Sometimes, Baekhyun thinks he is a saint for not even getting mad at him for being a disarray himself.
Last night though, Jongdae came home drunk and was too sleepy to even clean up himself so Baekhyun was the one who changed his clothes before putting him to the bed. He’s such a yapper when he’s drunk. There’s a lot of things Baekhyun can barely understand but just agreed to so drunk Jongdae will stop talking and just sleep.
After fixing himself, he was actually looking forward to see the files and folders that he left in the center table last night as he was reviewing the things he need to present today when Jongdae came but only to be surprised when he found them decently arranged in the corner of the said table, with a little sticky note attached to it and a small lunch bag beside it.
Dear,
Good morning. Sorry I’m too lazy to wake up and cook but please bring this sandwich with you and eat before you start your day. Fighting today. :)
Love you tons. -Jongdae
He’s a little suprise on how he did this without him knowing but it’s Jongdae. Baekhyun smiled widely upon reading the note. He really never fails to make him feel the butterflies in his stomach every single day for the past years that they’ve been together. There’s nothing more he could ask for. He just wants to be with Jongdae now, tomorrow and on every succeeding day that they will still wake up to.
With a positive mind and a grateful heart, Baekhyun left their home ready to start his day brightly. If all mornings are like this, you can say that he wouldn’t really mind waking up this early even though he’s not an early bird to begin with.
———
“HOW WAS YOUR day?”
Baekhyun immediately let himself lie on Jongdae’s lap. Today was a very tiring day but it turned out great as well. Somehow…
“It was perfect!” he smilingly said. “But it’s too tiring.”
Since their team got the deal that they’ve worked hard on for over two months, their head manager was too happy that they treated them to dinner in a fancy restaurant. It was indeed a happy celebration.
Jongdae cards his fingers through his hair. “Rest a little bit and wash up. I’ll prepare your things in a moment.”
Baekhyun weakly smiled. “How was your day?” he asked back. “Sorry I was not able to ask you. I was so busy earlier.”
He smiled at him too. “I woke up very late so I skipped breakfast and ate a late lunch instead. I was supposed to cook something for dinner but since you sent me a message that you’ll be eating out with your team, I haven’t eaten yet.”
From closing his eyes as he’s trying to relax a little, Baekhyun’s eyes widened with what he just heard and suddenly got up to face Jongdae. “What do you mean you haven’t eaten yet?! Are you crazy?!”
Jongdae laughed and was about to say something but he got up hurriedly and walked his way through the kitchen to check what he could make for him.
The latter followed him.
“What’s wrong with you, Kim Jongdae?! Really?” Baekhyun scolded. “You’re always the one telling me not to skip my meals and yet here you are, haven’t had dinner at 11PM?!’
He immediately forgets that he’s tired because his whole being is wide awake now and he only has one thing in mind– to feed Jongdae right now.
“Dear, I was just joking,” Jongdae said.
Baekhyun halted from getting the food and looked at him, who’s silently laughing while leaning on the counter top. “What’s so funny?”
Jongdae doesn’t look scared even though Baekhyun is so irritated with what he’s saying right now and just comes close to him instead. “I just miss you. I have no one to fool around the whole day.”
In the end, Baekhyun just sighed and stared at his beloved. “Did you really eat?”
Jongdae nodded. “I did. I just want to see how you will react, I was not just prepared that you’ll be so quick to move.”
When Baekhyun grasped what happened, he just laughed along with Jongdae. “Don’t say things like that again.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” he said as he kissed the back of his hand. “I just really love annoying you.”
His eyebrows raised. “And why is that?”
“You’re cute,” he said and poke his nose. “Besides, for someone who got big news today, you seem a little bothered and not-so-happy about it.”
Baekhyun suppressed his little gasp because of what Jongdae had said. ‘How come he knows that?’ the back of his mind shouted.
It’s not even twenty minutes since he got home! How come Jongdae already knows that something is bothering him?
When he didn’t respond, Jongdae took his hand and led him back to the living room.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he gently asked.
Baekhyun can’t utter an answer. He’s just looking at him saying nothing.
As ever kind as he is, Jongdae just smiled. “Alright. Whenever you’re ready my love.” He kissed him on the forehead too. “Now, how about you wash up so we can go to bed?”
He nodded. “I’ll make it quick.”
“Take your time.”
Baekhyun ended up taking almost an hour inside the washroom. He’s contemplating whether to tell Jongdae now or leave it for tomorrow. But he does believe that honest conversations usually happen at night— especially around this hour ‘cause most people’s feelings are vulnerable.
When he decided to leave the washroom, he found Jongdae already lying on their bed. Eyes closed but Baekhyun is certain that he’s not asleep yet. He silently made his way towards him and crawled up to his arms, in which Jongdae immediately responded by caging him into a tight and warm hug.
“I miss you extra today,” he whispered after a while.
Jongdae just hummed a response.
“Are you gonna sleep now?” he asked.
“No,” he answered. “Are you?”
He shakes his head.
They stayed in that position for heaven knows how long. No one’s saying anything.
A deafening silence. An apprehensive mind. A troubled heart.
Baekhyun wanted to open this up to Jongdae for the last two months but he doesn’t really know how. He was not sure at that time and he’s still preparing himself too if it will really happen and earlier, before they all went for dinner celebration, Baekhyun got the confirmation he was anxiously waiting for.
“You know you can say anything to me, right?”
It all came to him so when he looked up to meet Jongdae’s gaze, Baekhyun just found himself telling him every detail of what really happened.
“I was actually aiming for this promotion,” he honestly said. “So when I heard that I might get it, I was so happy and nervous the whole time but I don’t want to assume. I also didn’t say anything to you so you will not get your hopes high for me. But yeah, it turns out that I got it. I was promoted as a Senior Project Manager. Effective today.”
Jongdae’s eyes twinkled. “Congratulations, my love.”
Baekhyun was surprised because of Jongdae’s happy tone. It confuses him in so many ways— “Why are you happy?” he couldn’t help but ask.
Jongdae really seemed genuinely happy. From his smiles that reach his eyes to his hands that tightens around his waist..
“I’m so proud of you, of course! You have been working nonstop for this!” Jongdae said before carefully getting up. “I’ve witnessed the drastic process you have to go through so why wouldn’t I be happy now that you already got the fruit of your labor? You deserved this, dear! We should celebrate!”
The enthusiasm of Jongdae right now doesn’t help Baekhyun’s crippled heart.
“I will be working in London,” he said, monotone.
That’s the very reason why he cannot truly celebrate this promotion. Jongdae was right, he worked his ass off just to get this and he should be on top of the world because this kind of opportunity only happens once in a lifetime for a normal guy like him but— this is the problem. There’s always a “but” in his situation.
Why does everything, even the good ones always come with a price?
“That’s your dream,” he said, more of stating the obvious. “Didn’t we pray and imagine for this to happen?”
Why can’t Jongdae get it?
“That means I have to move to London.” Baekhyun’s about to lose it.
“And?”
Baekhyun got up too, out of frustration. “We will not see each other anymore! I don’t want that!”
Jongdae looked surprised by his sudden outburst.
“Me working in London means I have to move there!” he repeated. “I have to start doing things on my own! You will be left here.. and I don’t want to!”
Frustrated, Baekhyun started to grab the bed sheets as if he’s channeling all this anger to it— though it’s more of getting support, vulnerably speaking.
“We’re doing fine here. We’re doing things hand and hand and I don’t want to ruin that just because of this job! I know I should be grateful because I prayed for this. I cried. All the sleepless nights I had to endure just to finish the work I had to do so I could get this job. But if I only knew that having this ‘title’ includes leaving you, I wouldn’t even dare to consider this. I should have just stayed in my lane. I shouldn’t have aimed higher! Or maybe I should just find another job that will not compromise our relationship like this! I should have—”
“My love,” Jongdae interrupts.
Baekhyun sobs as he gasps for air. He’s not even aware that he’s already crying.
Jongdae held both of his hands firmly. He tried to calm him, only to let out more tears and whimpers. Baekhyun is afraid and he cannot think straight anymore.
“Why are you scared?” he softly asked after a while. “Why are you so scared?”
With tears in his eyes, he once again met Jongdae’s eyes. There is an emotion Baekhyun can’t name.
“I don’t want to live without you,” he answered. “I never wanted to live a life without you in it.”
But there’s more to it that Baekhyun can’t even say aloud…
“You will be fine. I know that so well,” Jongdae confidently said.
Baekhyun stopped crying but was still sobbing a bit. “How, my l-love? How?”
He cannot imagine waking up without Jongdae or sleeping without him. The moment they decided to share one roof, not a single day Baekhyun had slept alone. They were always together and he’s so fine with this. He never wanted to change anything and he’s so scared that if things change, he might lose Jongdae along the way.
The fear of losing Jongdae terrifies Baekhyun more than it should.
“You keep saying you cannot do this life without me,” Jongdae said.
He nodded. “That’s true..”
Jongdae gently shakes his head and smiles. “That’s not what I can see, dear. You can do things even without me. You’re so much more than that, you have to keep that in mind.”
Baekhyun ceased his forehead but didn’t say anything to let Jongdae continue.
“I see how you always close your eyes when there’s something that you’re uncertain about. You’ll pause a bit and the moment you open your eyes, you already know what to do,” he said and smiled a little more.
Baekhyun does not know how to react.
“You always ask permission whenever you want to do something that involves other people. May it be just getting a chair, getting something that belongs to you or anything that someone is involved with,” he continued. “You are scared to try things alone but you’ll always end up doing it. Damn it if you fail, hooray if you did.”
Baekhyun’s not aware that the side of his lips are slowly curving for a smile. He was just looking at Jongdae’s face that he could clearly see amidst the dim lights.
“I love how you hold my hand when there’s something you’re afraid of but will still stand up for me despite that fear.” Jongdae laughs a little. “I could go on, my love. I could do this all night.”
Baekhyun found himself hovering over Jongdae and being caged to his arms once more. He looked up to him and asked, “Why are you saying these things to me now?”
Jongdae quickly kissed him on the lips. “To let you know that you can do this life even without me by your side.”
His eyes widened—
“Physically, I mean.” Jongdae said immediately. “There will never be a break up story between us. You’re my Baekhyun and I’m your Jongdae. It will always be Baekhyun and Jongdae, right?”
Baekhyun pouted. “I thought that’s what you meant..”
Jongdae chuckles. “Silly. Never, dear. Not gonna happen in every lifetime there is.”
He felt a little relieved.
They’re just looking at each other’s eyes with a little smile on their lips.
“How did you know all these, dear?” he asked, referring to everything Jongdae had said earlier.
“I just.. know you,” he said lovingly and pulled him closer. “I love loving you and all the little details about you.”
Baekhyun’s still all over the place because of the mixed emotions and he just wanted to get this over with. There’s still so much he wanted to say. So much he wanted to rant. So much that he cannot even bring himself to do it.
Jongdae just knew him too well so he closed his eyes, and Baekhyun just poured everything he wanted to say over a kiss.
A very long, gentle and sweet kiss.
It holds a whole future that Baekhyun wanted to tell Jongdae but for now, he will be contented with this.
Knowing that he has Jongdae every step of the way. Having him means Baekhyun got everything he’s ever gonna need.
———
MONTHS HAD PASSED.
It was a crazy yet amazing journey to remember for Baekhyun— for both his career and love life.
Jongdae just proposed to him a while ago and he just finished crying and telling literally everyone they know that they’re getting married!
“You’re done?”
Baekhyun looked up to see his boyfriend— oh wait, his fiancé playfully looking at him. “I can’t believe we’re engaged,” he said again, for the nth time now.
“We’re literally living on one roof, dear. I can’t even remember since when so it will be the same,” Jongdae teased as he pulled him for an embrace.
Baekhyun leaned his head on his shoulder. “But I’ll be moving to London next month. Can we get married sooner?”
He’s taking every chance he can get. As much as he wanted to give Jongdae a perfect wedding that he has been planning since they got together, Baekhyun can’t do that right now. He’s running out of time chasing his future.
Jongdae didn’t respond so he looked up to him. “Dear?”
He gives him a peck on the lips. “I love you. We don’t need to rush things.”
The plan is to get married next year. Or once he adjusted to his new environment and for someone who’s afraid of changes, Baekhyun can tell that it’s not gonna happen soon.
So he’s kind of hoping that they could get married now before he goes.
He’s been thinking about this and Baekhyun feels that this is the right time to tell Jongdae.
“What if we broke up?” he blurted. “What if one day, we just can’t understand each other anymore?”
Just imagining those things gives a pinch to Baekhyun’s heart.
“What if LDR is not for us?”
There’s a lot of things going through his mind when Jongdae cupped his face and looked intently in his eyes. There’s that gentle and loving look in his eyes.
“We can beat the odds of long distance relationships, my love..” Jongdae quietly said. “If it was easy for us to trust each other when we decided to live together just after knowing each other for two years.. What more right now? We already celebrated six birthdays, six christmas, six new years, six anniversaries… and so many milestones as a couple and individually. Together. Why do we need to start getting anxious about the future when we have this love between us?”
Baekhyun can’t say anything but he felt a lump on his throat.
“Of course, I’m afraid too. You’re not the only one who’s gonna be on your own because I’ll be here on my own too. If you think that you are so dependent on me, then how can I be independent myself when I have no one to take care of?” Jongdae continued.
“Dear..”
“But I love you. I will continue living this life loving you even if you’re not here with me,” he smiles. “One thing I know, I’m just so sure that it will always be you that I want. I know this is such a huge step for you and heaven knows how proud I am because you’re taking this journey hand in hand with me. I know that you will do great. You are meant for greater things.”
One tear fell in Baekhyun’s eye. “Jongdae…”
“We can be afraid of the things that might happen in the future and do it anyway, my love.” Jongdae kissed his left eye. “I’m gonna miss you. But I can wait. We don’t have to rush our timelines and prioritize the things we have to do first.”
“But you are my priority,” he objected, as he broke down in tears. “I always want to put you first!”
But with all honesty, Baekhyun can somehow understand Jongdae’s point here.
“And so am I to you, you know that,” he answered.
“Then why?” He feels hopeless.
“Because maybe it’s the way of the Universe telling us to go out of our shells. To explore and broaden our horizon. To know more about what’s outside the box. To learn and grow more.” Jongdae sounded hopeful.
“Separately?”
Jongdae shook his head. “Not physically together but binded by our love for each other.”
Baekhyun smiles amidst his tears about to fall. “You promise?”
“Promise.”
They sealed it with a kiss.
If Jongdae is certain that he can do it, then maybe Baekhyun can open his heart to it. There’s no one who will push him to do this much except Jongdae. He knows him better than he knew himself. He always wanted what’s best for him and it was proven over the years when he did not have anything but Jongdae believed in him.
It’s gonna be a long and scary journey to take.
As long as he has Jongdae, maybe Baekhyun can unleash the beauty of this future. Together, though not physically, they will walk down the path of their own version of forever.
Like they always have, and always will.