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As a kid, Donna wasn't the kind of girl who dreamed about a big white wedding but rather about the right guy to get married too. She used to be the bridesmaid when she played with her childhood friends, these big weddings with old gowns quietly stolen from basements and garden parties thrown around by everything she and her friends found in their houses laying around.
She used to marry Mr Arthur, her teddy bear (in fact his name was Mr Fluffy but that was too common for her) in the solitude of her family home, most of the time she would do this alone, but some other times her younger siblings where there.
As she grew up she imagined different ways or places where she could get married, how the perfect guy for her would be.
As an adult she denied more marriage proposals that she could count with one hand, still waiting for that something that was missing, that connection and synchronicity. She dreamed of a small wedding if she was honest, beautiful bouquet with her favorite flowers, white magnificent dress, she would sparkle and her loved ones would smile as soon as she entered the room.
In reality her wedding is far from the one in her dreams.
She gets married at city hall, she's not wearing white and doesn't even have a bouquet of flowers, but her wedding is indeed small, only Jessica and her dad are present. And her husband to be does smile when she joins him besides the minister, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes, and he's asking for forgiveness without uttering a word.
Since Jessica realized that the only way she wouldn't have to testify against Harvey and still keep the deal about her father with Anita Gibbs, would be to get married to Harvey; everything happened as if a meteor was about to hit earth.
She finds herself looking at the Minister, his mouth is moving and he's looking at her but she can't really discern what he is saying. Finally the old man says a joke and she understands it’s her turn to say, "I do" she repeats after him, just like Harvey did. They don't look at each other and she feels she's about to vomit what she had for breakfast. Promptly after the Minister tells Harvey he's allowed to kiss the bride, she wonders who is going to ask her if she wants to be kissed.
He doesn't, just gives her a quick peck on her cheek, as if the mere contact with her would set him on fire or something. She hates him because he doesn't even have the courage to play the part and at the same time is grateful that he's not pushing her to do something he doesn't know if she wants.
She doesn't even know what she wants anymore.
Nobody congratulates them as they walk out of the building, Harvey carrying her purse, her Dad talking to her. It's already late for her to be free, for her to put herself first for once, but both her Dad and Harvey always took care of her, even if their ways were debatable, and even if they didn't, she always takes care of the people she loves, it’s not only about them, but about Mike, Rachel, Louis, and Jessica. Her family.
There wasn't another way she repeats in her head, this is the part she's gonna play, the prosecutor won't have a case anymore without her deposition, and she's one hell of an actress after all.
The ride to Harvey's condo is quiet, they're far from each other as possible, both physically and mentally. Harvey's gaze is intent on a wrinkle in his pants. This wasn't what he wanted, he begged Jessica not to tell Donna because he knew what her answer would be, and his reasons weren't because the thought of marrying her puts him off, but because she deserves so much better, she deserves happiness and he’s not the answer to that equation.
She looks through the window because his silence is unbearable, she thought he would understand why she is doing this, that he would make things easier, not harder. The only thing keeping her sane is the movement out in the streets, a reminder that even if life as she knows it has come to an end, the world outside is still standing.
There's a champagne bottle and two glasses waiting for them in the middle of his kitchen counter. She doesn't know whether to cry or laugh. He hasn't said a word yet. Instead of looking at her, he takes off her coat, his fingers brushing her naked arms - a brief touch that makes her yearn for him to hug her - to at least acknowledge he's not doing this alone, that she isn't a stranger. She wants to scream but instead she makes herself useful by masking all the emotions, with long, intent strides. She makes herself at home, because she's bound to live here for at least a year until they're able to get divorced. Beside the counter she takes off her heels and starts pouring the cold liquid in the glasses set for them.
Until this moment he had never realized their height difference, when she's hiding behind the cascade of red hair falling on her face while she pours them a drink, her dress making her seem smaller somehow. His heart wrenches because he has never given himself the right to see her like this, so vulnerable, and he wants to hug her, promise things he's not sure he can do, so he does what he's capable of. He distances himself, picks up the card attached to the bottle.
"Don't forget that you're not alone in this. Talk to her.
Don't miss a (your) second chance.
Love,
Louis"
He reads it and reads it again. He thought the gift was from Jessica but he couldn't have been more wrong. This ridiculous goon, of course he's not alone in this, he has dragged her with him into this mess; the only person he loves besides his immediate family. He reads the card once more, and the anger dissipates quickly as he realizes Louis might know him better than he gives him credit for, because in fact, even if he knows he's not alone, he hasn't talk to her. He doesn't even know where to begin with.
She sips her glass and her gaze wonders off everywhere and nowhere at once, she looks around avoiding Harvey reading the card attached to the bottle. She settles her stare on the cactus she gave him not more than a year ago. The only living thing he has left in his immaculate apartment. She remembers the first time she came to his place and how amazed she was by the fact that he had taken care of it. Now it's a reminder of things they didn't say or did but then regretted it. A reminder of what they were and where they are now. She sees him building the courage to speak and beats him to it.
"Are we gonna celebrate or...?" she says sardonically and he can deal with her being angry even sad, but he has never seen her cynical side.
"Donna,"
"Oh no, don't use that tone with me, not after ignoring me the whole time... Do you even... Did you stop to think how I feel about all this?" He loses it then, her words working as thorns piercing his skin.
"It's all I thought about, damn it Donna! The last thing I wanted to do was ruin your life!"
She doesn't speak because she doesn't know what to say. She always thought she could read him, but since they entered the city hall only a few hours ago, she can't distinguish what he's feeling or thinking. He has built a fort around him and has left her outside. She moves to the couch, champagne glass on one hand and sits down. She's too tired to fight.
To fight for him, for them, for her.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have brought this on you, I'm sorry I'm incapable of saying out loud how I feel," he follows her and when he speaks her face looks up. He's unaware of what her big eyes would do to him. He is trying to make a speech, but her scrutinizing gaze stops him, and he lets himself fall besides her, the couch engulfing him.
She wants to ask him “How?” but she knows she won't get an answer.
"What did the card say?" He hands it to her, unable to talk because of how soft her voice is. She reads it and puts it aside.
"Are you?"
"Talking to you?" He's so tired. He’s tired of the day, tired of the mess he believes he created for them.
"No... Are you missing a second chance?" she replies quickly, her voice velvety. He looks at her and her eyelashes flutter.
"I wasn't even aware I had one," It's impossible that he's blind to what everyone else can see.
"Harvey," her voice stops being soft and becomes cautious, their eyes glued to the other, not even blinking, aware of the weight the moment has but so different to the others. There's no way to run, they're stuck in this situation together.
"I don't deserve you," He blurts out and she blinks then.
"What?"
"I'm unable to communicate. I thought that a professional relationship would be the key to keep you in my life because I really don't know how to function without you," She's his sun, the brightness in his otherwise grey days but he doesn't know how to say that. "You're everything Donna, and I'm sorry, truly sorry that I have dragged you into this, because you deserve to be happy, and I am, I'm..."
"Can you stop apologizing for a minute?" That shuts him up and he sees she's closer than before. She caresses his face and he feels he's breathing for the first time since Jessica explained how they could put the Mike case behind them.
"I don't blame you, and I swear I have tried not to but... I love you Harvey. The problem is that sometimes actions speak louder than words, but you needs words to compromise."
"’I do’ isn't enough?" He jokes, trying to break the tension. She rolls her eyes.
"Not like we said it."
"Donna," He's struggling to say anything else. She can tell by the way his head tilts to a side, studying her, looking at her, taking her in. His body has shifted to be near hers, and on the couch their eyes are on the same level. When she bends forward, her lips finds his in a second, his mouth answering to the touch quickly and passionately. His lips part and his arms circle her middle. It's a kiss and a hug at the same time. It's the comfort they need and at the same time it doesn't make it less steamy.
It feels like home.
Exactly two weeks prior to their anniversary Donna is trying to access his schedule through her phone, already in her pajamas, but it appears to be empty for the next few weeks. She's sure she saw the appointments and meetings he had not a day ago. She calls the tech guy, he swears there isn't a glitch in the system. She does the only thing she can before starting to freak out she goes back to the office.
She was hoping him to be on his way home but of course he isn't, he's covered by files, dark circles empathizing how drained he has make himself be during the last few weeks. He has been over working and everything she would said about it would make him close his mouth, his lips in a thin line before saying her name as a warning.
She kisses him hello, goes to what used to be her desk and now is occupied by Gretchen again. There's a joke on the firm about how many times they changed places but she couldn't care less. They worked together for more than decade, then a few weeks, now they work together on another level.
The computer starts and she closes her eyes, the schedule it's empty. It's too late to call Gretchen to ask about it, and is not like she will be able to make the reservation for Del Posto now. She closes the spreadsheet as soon as she hears him approaching.
"Whatcha' doing?"
"No-nothing"
His eyes narrow, one eyebrow raising. "Do-nna?"
"Fine! I was trying to surprise you but I saw your schedule empty and I freaked out because you're tired and..."
"Donna breath" she closes her mouth her lips pressed together, like a kid that has just gotten caught.
"You didn't see the file I left on your desk today?"
"What file?" He disappears and her heels tap the floor with anticipation and nervousness. She has no idea where all this is going.
He comes back, cheeky smile and hands her two plane tickets to Colombia. He explains it was supposed to be a surprise, they never really get to have their honeymoon and he remember her saying something about wanting to go to an island in the middle of nowhere, where the sea has 7 different shades of blue. She jumps from her chair, throws her arms around him and kisses him deeply. "You did surprise me" she whispers between kisses, for the first time in weeks they go home together. He's done, Louis can take his cases, he's going on vacations, and like a lot of things in his life, long overdue.
She goes in the sea, makes herself disappear underwater for a little while and when she comes out, her wet hair shinning with the sun, her damp bikini making her even look sexier, the blue water reflecting light illuminates her skin; he can't help it, he follows her, even if his shoulders sting from the sun, and he might regret it later. He tastes salt on her lips, her smile contagious, he mirrors her features. When he bought the ticket and booked the hotel he received a mail saying 'Welcome to Paradise', and his surroundings are definitely magnificent, but the woman in front of him, the one he loves and he's lucky enough to be loved back... That's paradise to him.
Wedding superstitions, they're passed on generation to generation. The groom never has to see the wedding dress before the ceremony, but the first time around he had, a handful of times because she was wearing that blue dress that makes her eyes shine and look emerald, and he loves how it hugs her curves. She did wear something blue, (and you could say old) but nothing borrowed or new. There were no flowers, and some people believe the kind of flowers you chose can be good or bad luck, but the absence of them... what does that means? If he thinks about it they haven't done one thing by the book. Their wedding was almost handled as a transaction by his partner, it was a way to cheat the law. Their marriage on the other hand, doesn't need good luck charms, or to avoid superstitions, because it is as perfect as they made it to be. They fight and they make up, sometimes they even pretend to fight because the way they make up is worth it. They never go to bed angry, he has learned to talk things out, she had teach him to do so, and in the end he would do anything for her and she for him. It isn't that different than their 12 years of history.
But they do it again, a year exactly after their first wedding, this time they're completely alone, in an almost deserted island, only a minister present. He helped her chose the dress, a simple white dress, perfect for summer. Her hair is pulled to a side, and this time around she has a small bouquet of white flowers and her big smile appears as soon as she spots him. They exchange rings for the first time since they got married, and they even had vows written down. They're short but consistent and they smile through the whole ceremony making the Minister dwell on the fact he's almost sure he has never heard someone repeat with such resolution the 'I do's'.
This is the wedding Donna dreamed her whole life, the one with the right man for her, and every time Harvey looks at her, devotion clear in his eyes everything else that they have been through makes it worth it. This thing between them is not closure for how their partnership was but a new start, the only kind of evolution their relationship deserved.
C'est Fini.