Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Eddie hits snooze for the seventh time, knowing he will do so an eight, ninth and tenth time. He doesn’t even know why he set the damn thing. There is no use, other than creating another opportunity for failure, because there’s nothing like starting your day with the first in the long line of broken promises to come. He pulls the covers over his head tighter, then hears faint knocking. Oh, that’s why.

Now, not respecting his time, integrity - or dignity for that matter - was one thing, but when it started to affect the lives of others, it was a whole different story. He tries to convince his body to get up, but the blankets he is wrapped-up in seem to become tighter, weighing him down and holding him in place, on his stomach, face down, in his bed. An indistinct voice in his head implores let’s go. Now! Aaand go! He can sense the action potential forming somewhere in his brain only to fall flat immediately.

He just cannot get his body to move, he is held captive by a sick feeling in his stomach dampening everything else. This all-encompassing, world stopping, life-altering feeling of doom is an old acquaintance he had briefly encountered multiple times in his life. It passed him by with Christopher’s diagnosis, revisited him after the helicopter crash in Afghanistan and then again, the day Shannon left, finally latching onto him after her death. It had become a greedy permanent resident swallowing every other emotion, every other thought, weighing him down and pushing him into a bottomless hole of sadness, fear, and disbelief, leaving him only with the perplexity about how to move on with his life.

Which, in the beginning people accept, but as time goes by, the sympathy for an impossible situation turns into the expectation of moving on and the worst part is that at some point you actually do. He remembers the guilt after laughing for the first time and the pain retreating inch by inch as the convoluted knots holding the dark web of sorrow around his soul in place were shed by his will to live, leaving behind uneven spots as spiky reminders of loss. Christopher is not lost. He will come back, the rational part of his brain chimes in, immediately followed by the gut-wrenching rebuttal: But what if he doesn’t? Eddie curls up even tighter, how is he supposed to go on like this? Through his blanket-hideout and the closed bedroom door, he hears steps approaching, interrupted by a rumble and muffled cursing.

The bedroom door opens and in stumbles Buck in a futile attempt of navigating the minefield of scattered remnants marking Christopher’s absence in the usually so neat Diaz house. Buck draws back the curtains and opens the windows, revealing the severity of neglect.

“Come on, we’re gonna be late!”

No movement. Buck walks up to the bed and looks sternly towards the blanket bulwark Eddie is hiding under: “Come one, you know how much I hate basketball and I’m going!”

“Not today.” Eddie’s voice answers from inside his cocoon of self-loathing.

“Na-a, you’re not getting out of this, not this time. I gave you a pass last weekend, but you’re done rotting now. Come on…We can send Chris a selfie from the helicopter?”

“Helicopter?” Eddie’s voice is muffled.

Buck opens the closet in search for some clean clothes but is unsuccessful. With furrowed brows he scans the room with dirty clothes scattered all over the floor.

“Yep, Tommy is taking us.”

“Of course he is“, a sudden surge of anger, he cannot quite place finally gives Eddie enough momentum to peel off his protective layer, fast enough to catch the look of distress on Buck’s face who is standing at the foot of his bed trying his best to refrain from commenting on the disarray around them.  

Eddie heaves himself up to stagger past Buck into the bathroom, where he splashes cold water in his face. His reflection in the mirror stares back at him accusingly with messy hair and dark circles under his eyes. He returns the look defiantly and says in Bucks direction: “You achieved your goal. I’m up. You can leave know.”

Buck leans in the bathroom door looking even more worried now. Buck, who has been there every day since Christopher left, cooking, animating him to leave the house, making sure he shows up to work in time, reminding him to keep living. Some days it works, and he even gets a smile out of Eddie, but today is not such a day.

“I’m not coming. You go with Tommy, I’m gonna…” Eddie gestures vaguely towards the chaotic state of his house.

“Yeah…” Buck looks around overwhelmed by the mountain of a task that is reestablishing order, but suddenly his face lights up “Alright, so we’re doing a reset day…I’ve seen those on social media, it’s also supposed to help mentally, that’s actually a fantastic idea!” He walks back into the bedroom full of energy.

“We?” now Eddie is standing in the bathroom door, all the sudden painfully aware of his smelly t-shirt and exhausted just by thinking about cleaning up.

“Yes, I’ll start with the laundry…” Buck is in action mode now.

Eddie stops him: “I’m sure Tommy is gonna be thrilled. Just go, I’ll be fine.” As he says the words, he feels the sick feeling in his stomach riding up again making him want to curl up in his bed and keep the outside world as far away as possible, waiting for the relief of forgetful sleep and the illusion of not existing, not having to deal with reality.

Buck is unstoppable now, already texting Tommy to inform him of the change of plans.  “I honestly think he’s gonna be relieved that he doesn’t have to deal with my lack of excitement, this way he can take two of his fellow basketball enthusiasts.” He says the last part in a mocking tone.

“You really don’t have to do this” Eddie’s voice is quiet, and he avoids eye contact.

“I want to!”

Eddie notices a familiar feeling lurking through the constant veil of sadness, and he can’t help but giving his best friend the old squinting eyes with furrowed brows and a tilted head look of wonder and disbelief.

Buck folds with a big smile “Ok, I don’t want to clean but I also really don’t want to watch Basketball. Uh, do you have lemons? Or baking soda? Actually, I think both would be even better… “

As he watches Buck work out a plan where to start and gather ingredients to test out cleaning hacks, Eddie notices the sick feeling in his stomach grow weaker. The cold, bottomless hole slowly but surely fills up with a warm and soothing substance that reaches into every little crack of fear and breach of doubt. This little inner pool of serenity is unknown territory for him and as excited as he was to discover it a while back, as concerned he is now about figuring out its source to keep it from drying up.

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe we are back here with him,” Hen scowls at the captain’s office as she angrily tries to unravel a firehose, “it’s like the last years never happened, how did he manage to get his job back and gain zero perspective?”

“Careful with that, you’re gonna rip the poor thing apart.” Chimney indicates the tight wound hose.

With a concerned look Buck takes the other end of the hose to help Hen, “How are you guys doing? Tommy said Gerrard has a talent for bringing out the worst in people.” He notices Hen and Chimney exchanging a quick look, Chimney concentrates on polishing an invisible stain on the truck and Hen continues to maltreat the hose. Immediately Bucks feels the little voice in the back of his mind pushing all logical reasoning and good convictions aside while making its way to the front. He puts down the hose, “What?”

“Yes, he is very good at that,” Hen says evasively, starting to hang up the hose.

Buck raises his eyebrows expectantly, opening the gates for the voice to blast out all of his worst doubts, fears and assumptions.

Hen sighs, “It’s in the past, I’d like to leave it there and not go into details.”

“Ok sure, I respect that,” Buck nods, more to convince himself then the other two. He grabs a cleaning rag to assist Chimney by frantically cleaning the already very clean truck. He feels Chimney looking at him doubtfully from the side and stops, “I just -”

“Ok, ok…” Chimney takes a deep breath and holds up his hands, “where do we start…I was pretty much non-existent in the first half year on my duty.” He hesitates shortly, then continues, “It actually took saving Tommy’s life for him to acknowledge me as a person. Gerrard was the one providing the breeding ground…”

“…but they all acted like a bunch of racist and sexist douchebags until we proved our damn humanity to them, ok?” Hen adds, lowering her voice when she sees Buck’s alarmed expression to add regretfully, “and Tommy was no exception.”

Buck looks contrite and after a long pause says, “Did you ever talk about it? I mean did he ever…apologize?”

Hen is done with the topic, “As I said it’s in the past, I didn’t expect him to. I really have other things to worry about right now.”

Chimney shrugs defeated agreement, “Gerrard was relieved of his duties because of numerous complaints and after he left, things were alright. Speaking of the devil, let’s go, he is probably already on his way down here on the hunt for innocent souls.”

Buck hangs back in rumination. The voice in his head is circling in full speed now, making him feel sick. He can’t keep up with all the suggestions it stirs up of what went wrong and how to fix things. He finally settles on feeling guilty for not asking Hen and Chimney about their experiences before and about Tommy. He is ripped out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, you ok?”

He turns to find Eddie standing behind him, in clean uniform and a less disheveled state than the last time he saw him, which momentarily slows down his racing thoughts. “Ah, hey. You made it.”

“Told you, I don’t need a human alarm clock anymore.” Eddie turns to follow Hen and Chimney, stops to nod at Buck with furrowed brows, “What’s going on?”

Buck forces a smile, “All good.” He is not sure why, but talking to Eddie about Tommy still makes him feel uncomfortable, especially now that Gerrard’s return to the 118 had thrown Hen and Chimney back to a difficult time in their lives, which Tommy was part of.

Before Eddie can reply, Gerrard’s croaking voice cuts through the hall, “Line-up in ten!”

***

“So, how has it been dealing with Gerrard?”

“Fine.” Buck pushes the food around on his plate, the sick feeling has been continuously growing since his conversation with Hen and Chimney this morning. Tommy watches him carefully, trying to break the strained silence that has ruled over their dinner, “ah hey, does he still – ”

“What exactly did he bring out in you?” Buck interrupts Tommy by catching one of the thoughts speeding around in his head and throwing it at him.

“Gerrard?” Tommy is hesitant, Buck nods.

Tommy puts down his cutlery and leans back in his seat, “Well, he would just make sure we were constantly reminded what he considered to be an upstanding … firefighter.”

“Straight, White, Christian, male?” Buck guesses.

“I think I was never on his radar because on the surface, I fit in…”

“Chim and Hen weren’t so lucky,” now Buck is the one watching Tommy carefully.

“No.” Tommy says simply.

“Did you …date…men at the time?” Buck asks.

“Not really, it was more like driving a few towns over to some bars every once in a while and not thinking about it the rest of the days.”

After a long pause Buck finally brings himself to say, “I get why you didn’t confront Gerrard, but why did you give Hen and Chimney a hard time even when he wasn’t looking?”

Tommy nods slowly, “I’m not proud of the way I behaved, I had my own stuff going on. When Howie joined, I was already struggling with the relationship I was in at the time, and by the time Wilson joined, my girlfriend had just dumped me, because she had…suspicions. I wasn’t in a good place.”

Buck doesn’t look at him, “You could have at least apologized.”

Tommy becomes agitated, “Where is this coming from? Did Howie and Wilson say something?”

“I asked,” Buck now gives him a confrontative look.

“It’s been years, why are you so adamant about digging this up?!” Tommy puts his napkin on the plate.

“They’re my family, it’s important to me how they are treated.”

“They don’t seem to hold a grudge, so why do you?”

“Just because they have moved on from it doesn’t mean that it didn’t affect them. I mean they had to fight twice as hard as any other Probie. It’s just not fair.”

Tommy shakes his head, “Things were different before Bobby Nash came to the 118.” He sighs when he sees Buck's unimpressed look, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I’m just trying to understand – “

“Are you? Really? Do you remember our first date? When Eddie saw us at the restaurant?”

Buck falls silent.

“Exactly, imagine having that feeling every day, and not because you’re worried, you’re gonna be embarrassed in front of your buddy, but because you could lose your job, your team, your whole way of life.”

The memory of that day and the way in which Tommy stresses his words makes Buck’s stomach turn. The calm demeanor and self-confidence that impressed Buck when they first met, now makes him angry and before he can steer it back on its track, one of his competing thoughts escapes, “It’s still no excuse for racism.”

Tommy is silent for a moment, then he gets up, “If I’m such a terrible person, maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” He turns to leave.

Buck says nothing and the door slams shut.

***

“You called him what?” Hen climbs out of the ambulance and gives Buck a baffled look.

“Technically I didn’t call him anything, I merely suggested that the fear of being outed on the job is no excuse for racism.” Buck pulls up his shoulders and scrunches his nose.

Eddie, leaning on the fire engine next to Buck, chuckles.

“And what did he say?” Hen asks with raised eyebrows.

“He slammed the door and we haven’t talked since.”

Eddie chuckles again and coughs trying to control his face when Buck gives him a side-glance, too glad to see something other than pain and exhaustion on Eddie’s face to be upset about being poked fun at. Hen sighs and closes the door of the ambulance, “I appreciate your attempt at white saviorism, but if I ‘d lose sleep over every time a White man has treated me unfairly, I wouldn’t be where I am today, I have closed that door and walked on.”

“Well, he ripped it wide open,” Chimney appears next to them and looks towards the captain’s office Gerrard has just stepped out of to look down at them sinisterly.

Ravi approaches the group. “It hasn’t been that bad, maybe he has changed. From what you guys told me, I expected way worse.”

“Wait until one of us disagrees with his course of action or dares to walk out of the thin lines he draws and see how that goes.” Chimney say bitterly.

“He might be the captain for now, but we have the numbers.” Eddie says.

“Yeah,” Buck adds, “Look at us, not a single standup firefighter among us,” he stresses the words sarcastically, “Were gonna wear him down and wipe the floor with him to prepare for Bobby’s return.” He looks at Hen, who returns a faint smile.

Before Buck can follow up on their conversation, they are interrupted by the bell.

Chapter Text

“Eddie? What’s wrong?” Buck’s muffled voice passes through the mental focus shield Eddie has put up and he shakes his head squinting in the distance as the surrounding tumult overcomes his senses again.

I think I saw somebody on the other side of the freeway!" Eddie shouts over his shoulder and the noise of rapidly moving traffic.

“What?” Buck walks towards Eddie following his gaze past the chaotic scene they’re still assessing.

“Buckley! Diaz! What are you doing standing over there?! Get over here!” Gerrard’s coarse voice rumbles over to them.

“Captain, I think there could be another passenger who might be injured or disoriented, he might –“ when Eddie turns back around, whatever he thought he saw, is gone. 

“Stop messing around and follow my commands!” Gerrard barks his orders.

“I can’t see anyone.” Bucks says turning around to hurry over their side of the street that is filled with ripped off parts and scraps towards a completely wrecked car lying upside down.

“I have no pulse. He’s gone.” Chimney pulls himself out of the passenger window looking defeated, his hands full of blood. “I wonder what happened, there is no other vehicle, no object that could have caused a crash. We should request -”

“Wondering is not your job, go –“ Gerrard starts.

“Captain, we should secure the other side of the freeway as well, stop traffic, make sure we’re not missing anything!” Eddie yells still standing with his back to the rest of the team, eyes on the other side.

“Diaz, I’m not telling you again, get over here!” Gerrard shouts towards Eddie then turns back to the car wreck. “Your call times have been way too long. Let’s pull him out, order the tow truck, clear the street, and get the traffic moving again as fast as possible, no need to employ more valuable resources for this.” he orders.

“I would suggest the jaws, Sir, we still want to get him out in one piece. He deserves to have some dignity. Also, I agree, we need back-up” Hen gets up from the side of the destroyed car addressing Gerrard.

“I decide -“ Gerrard starts.

“On it, Hen!” Buck glares at Gerrard while walking towards the engine.

“Buckley, I said -“

“NO! STOP! STOP RIGHT THERE! DON’T -“ everyone turns towards Eddie, who is screaming at the top of his lungs running towards the barrier separating the two sides of the freeway. On the other side, a man with bloody clothes is walking in their direction, ignoring the cars rushing past and towards him.

“EDDIE, DON’T!” Buck yells running after Eddie.

Everything slows down, the man is in the middle of the street, the first two cars miss him, but the third knocks him over, and the stream of rushing vehicles follows mercilessly. Buck grabs Eddie’s arm to yank him back and they have to watch helplessly as the disaster ensues.

“Oh, shit! We need backup on the other side! CAPTAIN!” Gerrard is ripped out his stupor by Hen’s voice. “This is Gerrard from the 118, we request immediate back-up on the…“ his voice is drowned out by screeching tires and crashing sounds of metal on metal. Car after car keeps rushing towards the site of the accident, some drivers slam their brakes while others try to evade the pile-up, some make it, others don’t. Finally, the highway grows quiet, and traffic comes to a full stop with the crashed cars building a barrier of smoke and hazard warning flashes.

What follows is a long and brutal process of triage and risk assessment. Over time, more and more units arrive to completely close off the freeway. They work their way through the pile-up of over 40 vehicles, car by car, victim by victim, making sure nothing bursts into flames and every wound is tended to.

“Over here!” Chimney hurries towards Eddie who pulls a body from under a car. It’s the man who crossed the road. Chimney checks the pulse and shakes his head in exhaustion. They place the body onto a stretcher and Eddie takes a minute before closing the body bag over the man’s face, unharmed besides a few scratches and bruises.

“Probably some major internal bleeding, it’s often the wounds you can’t see that are the gravest.” Chimney says following Eddie’s gaze.

After six hours, the last injured driver is loaded in an ambulance, the last car is towed, the medical tents are disassembled, and the remaining units sweep the last shreds off the road to open it up again. The 118 starts packing up as well and Eddie stands in the middle of the road unwilling to let routine continue just yet. He knows that’s the job, running towards catastrophe unfolding, managing destruction and chaos, pain and death and then sometimes minutes, sometimes hours later, nobody would even assume something terrible had happened and life could go on. He feels a coldness spreading inside him as the heat and pressure of the situation starts to deflate.

“Let’s get out of here.” Gerrard shouts. Eddie doesn’t move. Ignoring Gerrard Hen, Chimney and Buck walk over to Eddie, surrounding him.

“Hey, you good to go?” Hen says softly.

“He just kept walking…” Eddie shakes his head.

“There is nothing you could have – “ Buck starts.

“Why would he just keep walking!?”

Nobody knows what to say, so they all just stand there for a while shoulder to shoulder, arms around each other.

“In the truck! Back to the station! Now!” Gerrard’s voice is hoarse from all the yelling “Next shift is up in an hour, and I’ve got a damn long report to write!”

Hen gets ahead of Buck, who is about to shut Gerrard up with more than words by reprimanding their current Captain over her shoulder, “In a minute Sir,” and turning back to Buck “not here, not now”. Then she addresses everyone, “Bobby would not let us go home like this, let’s go somewhere, grab some food, just sit together for a little while, yeah?”

“Yes, let’s go.” Chimney nods at her, gently directing Eddie towards the engine, while Buck visibly struggles to contain his anger towards Gerrard.

***

The four of them sit on a corner table of a quiet sports bar, barely touched plates of food on the table. Everybody is quiet until Hen begins to talk, “Today was tough, but I’m glad we answered this call together. We did a great job, and if there is something we need to go over…”

“Go over? A guy walked into moving traffic right before our eyes! We had no secured scene, no back-up –“ Buck starts angrily.

“Which is why we will file a formal complaint. There is no use in talking to Gerrard about this, but we will make sure to not just let this slide.” Hen interrupts calmly.

“Well, the last time he was suspended because of formal complaints, it didn’t last very long.” Chimney says and upon Hen’s look continues, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be discouraging, but I don’t see how we get out of this any time soon.”

They all seem defeated and tired. Eddie stays silent the entire time.

“I should go home to Maddie and the kids, you want to come, see Mara before you go home?” Chimney asks in Hen’s direction.

“I’d love to.” Hen smiles and turns to the other two, “You gonna be ok?” 

“Yeah, and thanks for…well actually being our Captain…” Bucks says. Hen smiles crookedly, “see you tomorrow”. Buck and Eddie stay behind sitting side by side on the bench of the corner table.

“You know there was nothing you could have done different, right?” Buck says after a while of silence.

Eddie looks at the empty glass in his hand and nods slowly, pulling down the corners of his mouth crunching his chin.

“We had no way of securing the other side and as much as I hate to admit it, even if Gerrard had called for back-up immediately, they would not have arrived in time. That man was gonna walk whether you saw him or not. I wonder how he ended up on the other side to begin with.”

“You should go, too.” Eddie sounds tired. Buck recognizes that Eddie is not going to talk but orders two beers instead of leaving.

“You know, neither Hen nor Bobby would approve of handling this situation with alcohol, right?” Eddie says.

Buck is unsure what to do, “You’re right, I should...”

“I didn’t say I don’t approve.” Eddie attempts a faint grin, and they sit and drink in silence for a while.

“I’m sorry I didn’t back you up, you know, took a closer look…” Buck starts.

“Nah, it’s alright, I wasn’t even sure I really saw something.” Eddie says and they lapse into silence and drinking again.

“Ah hey, you have your check-in with Chris tomorrow, right?” Buck finally tries to change the subject.

“Yeah, if my mother doesn’t change plans last minute again…” Eddie grimaces emptying his bottle. The calls with Chris were irregular and brief, he had never felt so distant from his son but did his best to provide the space that he evidently needed. The thought of going home to the empty house triggers a specific splinter left after his spiteful encounters with loss that he feels in the right upper side of his stomach. Today’s call drained almost every bit of warmth and peace he had worked so hard to build over the past weeks and with Gerrard at the station instead of Bobby that place had lost its solace as well. Leaving his only source of comfort to be…

“Can I crash at your place?” Buck snaps him out of his thoughts, elaborating, “your house is closer than my apartment and your couch is actually way more comfortable than it looks.”

Eddie snorts and nods simultaneously, “is this really about logi-i-stics?” having some alcohol-related trouble with the last word.

Bucks looks at him awkwardly, “maybe I also don’t want to risk seeing certain people, you know with everything happening and this…” He gestures towards the empty bottles on the table almost knocking one over but catching it last minute.

“Hmh…” Eddie gets up with raised eyebrows, somehow even more content with knowing that on top of staying with him, Buck is also avoiding Tommy. “You know, he really doesn’t deserve you.” Eddie hears the words out of his own mouth before his head is done thinking them just as Buck is bumping against the table while getting up, ultimately knocking over all of the bottles.

“Oh sh…oh no, ahm, sorry, what?” Buck asks fully focused on trying to set up the bottles again while creating even more chaos in the process.

Eddie watches him in amusement then scratches his head, “ah nothing… thank you.”

“For what?” Buck looks up.

“Everything.” Eddie says simply then indicates the waiter approaching their table with an annoyed look. “Let’s go before they kick us out.”

Chapter Text

“Why is it so damn bright?!” Eddie gets out of his car and scowls at the sun beaming on a clear blue sky.

Buck gets out the other side of the car yawning and stretching.

“Looks like you need to work on your avoidance tactics.” Eddie grimaces towards the entrance of the fire station. Tommy is there waiting, an envelope in his hand.

Insecure about the fact that Tommy’s sudden appearance makes his mouth dry, his pulse thumping in his throat and his palms sweaty, Buck starts walking over to him slowly, shoulders hunched and hands in his pockets. His mind is racing again, frantically bracing for conflict, going through every possible intention with which Tommy could have decided to show up unannounced to the station, while simultaneously preparing potential responses ranging from everywhere between deescalating apologies to provocative affirmations.  

Tommy tilts his head and looks him up and down, “I heard about the pile-up, must have been rough.”

Buck just nods clenching his teeth to keep his hasty thoughts from escaping before he knows which route the conversation is taking.

“I went by your place, but you weren’t there…” Tommy says with his usual imperturbable demeanor.

“We went out to wind down after.” Buck’s heart is still pounding fast in anticipation.

“Must have been a long one, I came by after the late shift…”

“I slept at Eddie’s house.”

“Hm.” Tommy gives Eddie a quick look who walks past them into the station giving Tommy a scant nod.

Buck follows his gaze and desperate to end the brewing tension decides on a course of action “Look, I’m sorry for the way that came out the other night, I didn’t mean to insult you, I’m just not sure how to handle this.”

“It’s fine, I’m actually here to deliver…” Tommy pauses shortly looking down on the envelope in his hands, “an apology myself.” He gives Buck a vague smile and walks towards the changing rooms that Hen and Chimney have just walked out of.

“Hey.”

“Tommy, wow, it’s really starting to feel like 2010 around here.” Chimney jokes causing Hen to raise her eyebrows at him.

“I’m sorry you’re back here with him.” Tommy asserts.   

“Cockroaches are hard to get rid of.” Chimney says darkly.

Tommy lets out an amused snort, “It seems that way. “Listen, I was recently… made aware that I…contributed to making your start here harder than it had to be. When I left, I conveniently put away that part as well. I don’t think I ever said this, but I’m truly sorry.”

“Appreciate it. I didn’t think we’d have to deal with that time ever again either, but here we are.” Hen says with a sigh.

Chimney smiles at Tommy, “Forgiven, but thanks to Captain Stone Age over there not forgotten”.

Tommy shakes his head, “It’s unbelievable they brought him back. You standing up to him really encouraged the rest of us back then. We all hated him, but I guess it was just the way things always were. I don’t think I would be in such a good place today if you guys hadn’t shown up. You truly made the 118 a better place.”

“Well, that’s just what we do.” Chimney grins, “although I don’t think the new-old man of the house would agree.”

“Times have changed, he will not get far with his old ways,” Tommy looks down on the envelope again, ”see you around.” Tommy walks towards the captain’s office knocks and enters closing the door behind him. Hen, Chimney, Buck, and Eddie group together watching and exchanging curious looks. After a couple of minutes, the door opens again and Tommy walks out swiftly. Gerrard appears in the doorframe behind him looking even more grim than usual.

On his way out, Tommy stops to give Buck a kiss on the cheek, fully aware Gerrard is watching, “See you tonight? I’ll cook.”

“Ah…sure…” Buck says caught by surprise and Tommy walks out giving Gerrard a dark glance.

“What was that about?” Hen asks.

“I have no idea.” Bucks says looking after Tommy confused.

***

Buck is standing in front of the closed door and can’t convince his arm muscles to raise his hand to knock. Which is stupid, especially given how ridiculously hard it still was finding this particular door within these disorienting modern apartment complexes with their countless windows and stupid angles and corners and seemingly endless rows of doors. Like their only purpose was to distract and disorient people.

He wonders how many precious minutes of his life he has already wasted looking for this damn door. Not that getting to this part of the city had been any easier. As usual he had taken the wrong turn, caught every single red light and parked his Jeep so far away that walking would have been faster to begin with! All of that and now he is just standing here, a thousand excuses running through his head not to knock. Maybe those are all sings, maybe the universe is trying to tell him something.

“Evan!” Suddenly the door opens, and Tommy is standing in front of him with a trash bag in his hand.

“Ah, hey.” Abruptly interrupted in his cranky inner monologue Buck’s thoughts are frozen in place upon being exposed.

“Are you going to keep standing there or would you like to come inside?” Tommy raises his eyebrows teasingly.

Buck forces a smile and steps forward remembering people can’t actually see his thoughts even if he feels like they’re written all over his face sometimes.

“I was going to throw this out, might have overdone it with the garlic.” Tommy says and sets the bag down next to the door, “I’ll just deal with it later. I hope you’re hungry?”

Buck follows Tommy into the kitchen, still trying to get his mind to lay off the grumbling to enable an actual conversation, when he remembers “What was your visit to Gerrard about today?”

“Ah nothing really, just talking about the good old times.” Tommy stirs one of the pots on the stove. 

Buck looks at him quizzically.

“It’s better if you don’t know, trust me, Gerrard is not going to be there for long.”

“Thank you…I guess?” Buck knows that there is no use in asking further questions.

“You’re very welcome.”

“No, seriously, also for talking to Hen and Chim, it means a lot to me.”

“I’m glad. Let’s eat.” Tommy carries the pots over to the table and they sit down.

Buck waits for a while but Tommy seems to be done with the topic, so they just spent the dinner talking about work. Buck helps Tommy clear the table after they’re done.

“Are you up for dessert?” Tommy smiles at him and moves closer, Buck senses that Tommy isn’t talking about food and just before he can decide how he feels about that, his phone rings.

“Ah gotta get that, it’s Maddie.” Buck takes a few steps back, “Hey, what’s up?” he turns his back to Tommy, “Hm, the elephant?” he walks around the kitchen counter, “Yes, I think so…no problem, I’ll be right there, bye.”

“I thought you’d stay?” Tommy watches him.

Buck is already moving backwards toward the door “Sorry, I’ve gotta go! Jee forgot her favorite stuffed animal in my Jeep, you know, she can’t sleep without it, it’s a whole thing… and I should also check in with Eddie, too, he had a call with Chris and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I haven’t heard from him, his parents really are not great at keeping up regular contact, you know how it is…” He reaches for the doorknob behind is back.

“Of course.” Tommy leans against the counter with crossed arms in his routine aloof manner, “would you please take the trash with you on your way out?”

Buck senses his annoyance, still he can’t help but feel relieved, “Sure”, he rumples his nose and takes the bag with pointed fingers, “see you.” He hurries out.

***

“Uhm, this wasn’t exactly what I meant when I said just bring it with you the next time you come over?” Maddie laughs at Buck standing in front of her door holding up the stuffed elephant. “I just wanted to make sure we didn’t lose it. Jee and Mara are already asleep.”

“I was just in the area anyway…didn’t realize it was so late already, though…”

Maddie frowns at him.

“Is that Buck?” Chimney’s voice calls out from the living room “What did Tommy say to Gerrard?”

Maddie steps back from the entrance and gestures for Buck to come in, they join Chimney on the couch.

“Tommy wouldn’t say.” Buck shrugs and declines the popcorn Chimney offers him with a headshake.

“Must have gotten Gerrard pretty good, he was almost amicable today. Maybe he still has something on him from the old days.” Chimney speculates.

“Not sure I wanna know any more about the old days.” Bucks says broodily.

“If it helps getting rid of Gerrard to bring Bobby back, I’m fine with it.” Chimney says through two handful of popcorn.

“Are you?” when Chimney returns a questioning look, Buck elaborates “fine with Tommy?”

Maddie follows their conversation with furrowed brows.

“Is this still about what Hen and I said the other day?” Chimney sounds weary of the matter.

Buck shrugs. “I guess…”

“He helped us save Bobby and Athena from the cruise ship no questions asked and now it looks like he is delivering another nail for Gerrard’s career-coffin, plus he seems to make you happy, so what’s the problem?”

“Also, he really stepped up by coming to the station apologizing, right? Maddie chimes in.

Buck nods pensively.

“The way I see it, even if I wasn’t ok with him, ultimately, he is your boyfriend, so the important thing is what you think of him. Man, I’m thirsty.” Chimney puts away the nearly empty popcorn bowl and gets up, while Maddie looks at Buck thoughtfully.

***

Buck is contemplating, again. This time sitting alone in the dark in his car. Usually talking to Maddie helped making sense of things. For some reason he wishes Chimney would be less ok with the situation as he feels like he is getting away with something, not being a good friend by only being focused on himself…If Hen and Chimney would dislike Tommy, he might know how to feel about it, or it would at least explain why he feels the way he feels right now. He is about to pull his phone out to call Hen, but then he remembers the time of day and the reason why Mara is with Maddie and Chimney right now and stops himself. Was he making it about himself again by not letting it go when clearly -  

A knock on the car window startles him and only when he turns to find Eddie standing outside of his car, arms full of card boxes and trash bags, does he realize that he isn’t at his apartment, but instead parked in front of Eddie’s house. He gets out of the car.

“Are you spying on me now?” Eddie looks at him with mock indignation.

“I don’t even know how I got here.”

Eddie returns a disturbed look.  

“I mean, I don’t remember driving here.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“No. You ever wonder how you drove somewhere because you’re lost so deep in thought that you don’t…” He stops when he sees Eddie's doubtful expression.

“Do I need to worry?” Eddie struggles as one of the bags starts slipping out of his hands.

Buck sighs “Guess not, and no, I’m fine.” He takes two of the bags out of Eddie’s hands. “How did your call with Chris go?”

“Don’t ask! How was dinner with Tommy?”

“Don’t ask?”

They walk towards the dumpster side by side.

Chapter Text

Eddie stares at his blank expression reflecting on the screen of the tablet. The black screen, which is supposed to show him Christopher’s face, supposed to let him hear his son’s voice telling him about his day, his week, his last month without his father, without him. Instead, he is looking at himself, distorted by the sharp cracks running through the once smooth surface, smashed on the couch table, after another cancelled call. He taps the screen and is surprised to see that the device still works. He opens a search engine, types in “pile-up freeway L.A.” and reads through the first few search results: “… major damage… 23 severely injured… two dead.”

He notices his right leg rocking up and down and shoots up from the couch stomping down with his foot. He hates when his body betrays him like that, allows inner turmoil to find ways to pierce through the surface for everybody to see. He looks around the immaculate living room, nothing to do here. He had left work early to make sure he would be here for the call and now, in the middle of the day, everybody is out doing their job, and he is here, sitting around uselessly.  

He thought he had become pretty good at dealing with the silence after the noise of the job, but without Chris that silence is deafening and now he can feel the black pit inside him expanding again, while he is standing at its edges, the panic rising and with it the urge to let it take over, to fall in and let it swallow him up, take him under, consume his whole being.

Sometimes when all the noise outside stops, the noise inside gets louder.

He grabs his keys and walks out.

***

“Eddie?” Athena looks surprised when she opens the door.

“Hey!” Eddie registers his voice sounding a little too loud, its tone slightly off, his cheek muscles pulling the smile too tense. 

“Bobby is out running some errands.” Her attentive look tells him she noticed it too.

“Oh, ok, well…I’ll…” Eddie shifts uncomfortably.

“I just made some coffee, would you like to come in?” Athena steps back from the door with an assertive but gracious smile that turns her question into insistence, an invitation he gladly accepts, giving what is waiting for him at home.

“Sure.”

Athena fills a second cup with coffee, and they sit down at the table.

“Thank you. How has the house hunting been going?”

“Oh, slowly…”, Athena waves the topic off like an inconvenient fly, “way too slowly for my taste anyway. I wish we could just get the old house back.”

“Must be rough, having to start over again.”

Athena nods thoughtfully, she sips on her coffee waiting patiently for him to offer information so she can piece together the clues for his sudden appearance on her doorstep. The gentle pressure of her quiet encouragement is working on him, an ability she has in common with her husband. It had taken a while for him to understand and accept the silence of someone being genuinely interested, questioning the automatic “I’m fine” response, and in turn making him listen inside himself. Now, where Bobby usually readily engaged in some chit chat before offering his own anecdote to navigate people towards encountering their own feelings, she is more observant, almost methodical in identifying any digression from the usual procedures and launching her investigation, which reminds him…

“Do you know anything about the investigations on the pile-up on the freeway a couple days ago?”

“The one on the 134?” Athena puts down her cup, “Oh yes, what a mess. Hen told us that you guys were on site when it happened?”

Eddie nods slowly, “we were called to a car wreck, single vehicle. Appeared to have crashed out of nowhere.”

“Well, we had a truck company report damage on one of their vehicles. The pieces of coating that were found on the truck matched the crashed car.” She shrugs and leans back in her seat, “It’s rare but I’ve seen something like this before, a car hits the back of a truck without the truck driver noticing and crashes. It was very early in the morning with little traffic and poor eyesight, so it probably took a while before it was reported.”

Eddie frowns, “but what about the man who crossed the road? You think he was connected to the initial accident?”

Athena sighs, “He is still a mystery, no papers on him and nothing in the system about him. No one knows who he is. There was a 911 call about someone wandering the freeway before the crashed car was called in. It’s possible he was involved in the crash, maybe he walked away but then decided to come back.”

“Why would he do that?”

She shakes her head. “Severe trauma, physical as well as psychological disorientation, amnesia… can’t be sure.”

Eddie is silent for a while.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He gets up abruptly, “Thank you for the coffee.”

“I’ll tell Bobby you stopped by.” Athena looks after him intently.   

***

After aimlessly driving around town, Eddie is back at home still not sure what to do with himself. He has one missed call from Buck, but he is probably still dealing with the Tommy drama and the last thing Eddie wants right now is hear or talk about Tommy.

The doorbell rips him out of his thoughts.

“Bobby!”

“Athena said you stopped by, so I took a little detour on my way home.” Bobby offers his little half-smile, which sends a calming wave of relief through Eddie’s body.  

“Come in. I already heard I wasn’t the first to show up.”

“No”, Bobby sighs, “Hen informed me about the pile-up, Chimney presented a long list of colorful descriptions for Gerrard’s methods and Buck… “

“… asked for your opinion about the whole Tommy situation.” Eddie assumes.

“He seemed more concerned about the way you’re coping with Chris living in Texas.” Bobby looks at him meaningfully.

Eddie presses his lips together, then shakes his head. “Hen is holding the team together and on top of that makes up for Gerrard’s oversights, despite the whole situation with Mara. Chim tries to keep everything light, but I know that working with Gerrard is really tough on him. And Buck is just… being Buck about all of it. We just really need you back at the station, Cap. We need someone who knows what to do.” Eddie looks at him imploringly.

Bobby laughs, “I don’t know what to do, all I really do is listen, ask some questions and offer my perspective.”

“So?” Eddie asks.

“Well, I think Hen and you both know how it feels to have a child taken from you, maybe it would help to share that pain. You know how to adhere to authority and find your way to still act according to your values, that seems like a good way to deal with Gerrard to me.”

Eddie thinks on it for a while.

“I’m not sure what values Gerrard is supposed to have. He’s just interested in call times and saving resources, reducing costs… He doesn’t give a crap about helping people.”

“You guys still managed to save a lot of lives, your work on the pile-up was impressive.” Bobby says emphatically.

“Not everyone.” Eddie looks down.

“The man who crossed the road.”

“He just kept walking, he must have seen the cars coming and I screamed at him to stop, but he just walked right ahead. I just keep seeing the cars hitting him, over and over again.”

“Sometimes we’re not able to see that we’re headed towards disaster, and we refuse to listen to people trying to help us. But it’s never too late to change direction.” Bobby says gently.

Eddie shakes his head staring into the void. “What if Christopher doesn’t forgive me.” His voice is very low.   

Bobby takes a deep breath, “I’ve lived under one roof with a teenager”, a brief sadness passes over his face, “that I consider to be my kid, and I know how deeply they feel things and how irreconcilable their mood swings can seem, but they swing the other way just as fast. I’m sure Christopher will eventually forgive you, but I think you have to forgive yourself first.”

Eddie shakes is head slowly.  

“You will both continue struggling with the loss of Shannon, but maybe now you have the opportunity to grief for your wife instead of Christopher’s mother, maybe it’s time to look at your life outside of being a father.”

“You suggesting being separated from my son is a good thing?” Eddie looks aggravated.

“Of course not, I’m saying you should make the best out of a bad situation and face what you were burying inside yourself for both of your sakes.”

***

Eddie’s stomach tightens when he picks up the second plate placed on the table out of habit. Before he can put it back in the cupboard, he hears two short knocks, the first louder than the second, immediately followed by the sound of his front door opening with a swing. He knows it’s Buck before he sees him, recognizing the subconscious familiarity of visiting habit patterns, type of knock, time of day and hours passed since last contact. This was Buck’s version of an impatient politeness knock to announce entry without waiting for permission, Eddie’s favorite kind of touch base, with the doorbell ring and the uncertain silence of waiting for reception being on the other end of the spectrum. Eddie puts the plate back on the table.

“Hey, I thought I could make some –“, Buck walks in with a grocery bag and stops when he sees the set table.

“Bobby beat you to it. Wonder how he got the impression that I’m in need of a warm meal?” Eddie raises his eyebrows at Buck.

“I think everybody is in need of a warm meal, especially when it comes from Bobby!” Buck beams at him innocently.

“Alright, sit down.” Eddie smirks.    

“What happened there?” Buck indicates the cracked tablet.

“Dropped it.” Eddie says as casual as possible.

“But you could still make your call?”

“There was no call.”

“Oh.”

Eddie can feel the alarmed stare from across the room, he focuses on getting the lasagna out of the oven to avoid the visual.   

“Maybe –“

“So, did you find out what Tommy has on Gerrard yet?” He gives Buck a pointed look to lock in the change of topic.

Buck wavers shortly but accepts the silent bargain. “No, I haven’t seen him since…”

“... you fled dinner to deliver a toy rhino int the middle of the night?” Eddie teases while putting the hot dish on the table.

“It was an elephant, but yeah, it’s been weird.”

“Seems to me like maybe you’re the one making it weird?”

“Thanks,” Buck takes the plate full of lasagna out of Eddie’s hand, “I get that times were different back then, but the whole thing just doesn’t sit right with me.”

Eddie can see that Buck is waiting for his opinion, he curses himself for blurting out the first topic on his mind earlier and is thankful for the delay in answer time that the huge piece of hot lasagna in his mouth gives him. “Man, I don’t even want to think about being gay in a fire station led by Gerrard over ten years ago and don’t even get me started on the army… “ Eddie rolls his eyes, “I guess everybody wants to believe that they would stand up against things like racism and sexism against all odds, but believe me it’s easy getting swept up under certain circumstances.”

“He hasn’t talked about his past a lot. I just know he doesn’t talk to his father.”

“What about your parents? Have you talked to them about Tommy?”

“Ahh, I haven’t really talked to them since the wedding, I think they don’t know how to react, not that they ever knew how to talk to me or that I’m interested in discussing my sex life with them…” Buck squirms.

“Hell, I think my family would implode, they would never let Chris come back.” Eddie stares in the distance.

“That’s not for them to decide. He will come back.“

“I suggested visiting last time, he was not excited about that at all.”

“He is a teenager, isn’t that normal?”

“I don’t know, I want to respect his boundaries, show him that he can trust me again, but it just feels like the opposite is happening.”

“You want to go see him? Let’s drive right now. I’m sure we can make it there and back before the next shift!” Buck puts down his fork.

“No, I can’t. Not like this.”

“Like what?”

Eddie cannot possibly tell Buck what roars inside him, that what he did is unforgivable, that he deserves to be punished, and that Chris is better off without him. How this time he screwed up so bad that not even Buck could think of a way to fix things and no matter how optimistic he appears now, Eddie can still see the bewilderment and concern in his reaction when he learned about the Kim situation. He had lost control and allowed for a part of himself to be exposed that should have never seen the light of day and he can’t bear to see his inadequacy reflected in concerned looks and helping gestures, and least of all in his best friend’s eyes were he usually turns to find admiration and certitude.

Eddie rubs his face in exhaustion and leans back in his chair, “Bobby is right, I need to figure my own stuff out before I can fix things with Chris.”

Buck reaches a hand over the table and stops halfway through, “I guess Bobby also knows how hard it can be to look after yourself when you don’t have your kids around to provide for,” he says softly.

“I can take care of myself!” Eddie straightens up and looks at him adamantly, his capacity to endure compassion and consolation is exhausted for the day and although he regrets the intensity of his response he clings onto its anger like a lifebelt, because anger he knows, anger is productive, anger is what can lift him out of black pits and sinking feelings.  

“I know, I’m just saying you don’t have to do this on your own. We’re all here for you.”

Eddie nods, if only he could allow himself to really believe it.

Chapter Text

Buck is standing in front of a massive concrete wall, it reaches so far up the sky he can’t see the top and it stretches out endlessly long, which he knows because he has been running miles alongside it. The surface is grey and hard and smooth with no protrusions or indentations, making it impossible to climb. The wall is impenetrable, inaccessible, invincible and the only thing in existence. It’s just him and the wall, nothing else and nowhere to go. 

He’s not sure for how long he’s had this recurring dream, it feels like it’s been there since he remembers dreaming but maybe it’s just been a few weeks. He rarely remembers his dreams, usually they’re gone within milliseconds of waking up, lost on the passage from sleep to consciousness, but this dream clings to him and he’s not sure what to make of it, maybe if he was still in therapy, he could ask Dr. Copeland about it. 

“118, full gear-up and line-up in 10.” Gerrard roars loudly, “Boy! Fetch me a firehose and roll it out in a straight line in front of the truck!” He gestures carelessly in Ravi’s direction. 

Buck is now fully awake, already angry about being angry this early in the morning. “He has a name.” he snaps at Gerrard, who is walking away.

Gerrard turns around delighted at the prospect of handing out humiliating chores for insubordination. “Of course, Buckley. Any more details about the intimate relations to your male coworkers you want to share?” 

“I’m on it, Captain.” Ravi gives Buck a pleading look and Chimney bumps him with his elbow, when Buck opens his mouth again, but he is interrupted by Hen. 

“Thank you, Firefighter Panikkar.” She smiles at Ravi and looks at Gerrard blankly, who turns to leave mumbling resentfully. 

“So he has evolved, He’s gotten a tiny bit more subtle with expressing his bigotry.” she grimaces and pats Buck on the shoulder. 

After gearing-up, the team forms a line. A group of people mostly in their 20s and 30s approaches the entrance of the fire station grouping together behind the rolled-out firehose.

“These are the brave men…,“ Gerrard pauses with a sigh and raises an eyebrow, “and women who are interested in joining the ranks of the LAFD.” He turns towards the group and his eyes scrutinize every person individually stopping disapprovingly at some of them. 

“Being a firefighter is one of the hardest and most honorable professions, but I’m sure that taking selfies, preaching about pronouns and meditating while drinking strawberry matcha double vanilla lattes or whatever the hell it is at the moment has prepared you sufficiently.” he says stopping at a petit blonde woman and a lanky person with pink hair and piercings. “First task is picking someone - let’s say a fellow firefighter in full gear - off the ground and carrying them to safety.”

“We already did that at the kick-off yesterday”. The blonde woman looks back at him firmly.

“With some dummies, I’m sure. Properly addressing your superior was not on the agenda I see, shocking. New recruitment processes are a joke, someone has to hold up the standards, make sure the new generation of firefighters isn’t a bunch of winy, sissy cry-babies who don’t know their place and how to respect the chain of command. We need to restore the values and traditions of this department that have been run to the gutter.” He turns to the 118 for the last words, then back to the group waiting for someone to challenge him, but the potential recruits just look at him in bewilderment, while the 118 is staring ahead stoically. Buck shifts uncomfortably but he can feel the unspoken determination of the whole team to just get through this as fast as possible and complies. 

“Ladies’ choice of course.” Gerrard finally breaks the charged silence in the room with a condescending smile, his eyes on the person with the pink hair now. 

A tall woman, sturdy with broad shoulders, her short black hair tied back, breaks from the group walking towards the lined-up 118 with a resolute stare, “pick-up and drop-off one end of the firehose to the other?” she walks along the line-up and stops in front of Buck, addressing Gerrard without looking at him. “Sir?”

“Are you sure?” Gerrard crosses his arms and smiles at her maliciously.

“Can’t expect all victims to be small skinny people. No offense”, she shrugs towards Chimney apologetically then looking back at Buck, “to anybody”. Buck is unsure whether he should be offended or impressed. 

“Let’s see. On the ground Buckley.”

Buck grudgingly follows his orders and lays down on his back. 

The woman kneels down next to him, “Do not help me!”, she hisses when he attempts to lift a leg. 

Before he can respond in any way, she pulls his left arm and leg over, interlocking his leg between hers, rolling him on his site and hoisting him up with her hip to carry him across the room on her back. She puts him down at the other end of the firehose surprisingly gentle and hardly out of breath, immediately addressing Gerrard again, “I promise, despite our apparently irreconcilable differences on gender expression, choice of beverage and overall human decency, none of us is here to waste your time, so respectfully, please do not waste ours’. Sir.”

Before Gerrard can react, the bell rings. He glares towards the new recruits one last time and hisses, “dismissed,” then goes to gear-up.

“He is not our Captain,” Buck feels the need to inform the group. “I mean he is right now, technically, honestly, he really shouldn’t be anywhere near a fire station ever, or anywhere else really, but this is not what the 118 is like, normally.“ 

“Alright, let’s go” Hen says. 

“What was that about being more subtle?” Buck asks Hen.

“Forget everything I said” she replies. 

“Good thing we’re already geared-up” Eddie smirks and hands Buck his helmet. 

“What are you two smiling about?” Hen frowns at Chimney and Eddie. 

“Are you kidding? Best start to a shift I had in a long time, Gerrard having his ass handed to him by a recruit in front of the whole station after watching Buck being carried around like a sack of potatoes?” Chimney says with a big smile, while Eddie chuckles. 

“Hey!” Buck, not fully done processing, exclaims in playful offense. 

“Get in the truck, big boy.” Eddie smiles at him teasingly. 

“He will take it out on us, Chim,” Hen raises her eyebrows, “he’s going to be impossible to work with today.”

“Totally worth it!” Chimney still smiles. 

***

Buck is breathing heavily, his back and neck are aching from walking crouched over. The air is thick and musty, the only source of light, the narrow beam of his flashlight, illuminates the stone and dirt in front of him through a vail of dusty air. The sounds of his footsteps bounce off the curved walls of the narrow tunnel loudly. 

“HELLO? SOMEBODY HERE?” Hen’s call is met with blasting silence. “Buck, I really don’t think anybody is down here.” 

“What if they’re hiding, cause they’re scared of getting into trouble?” Buck turns around to her. 

“Well, they wouldn’t be wrong. Breaking into the closed bunker of a military facility is a damn stupid idea”, Hen raises her eyebrows disapprovingly, then sighs, “if someone is here, we’ll find them. HELLO?! WE’RE HERE TO HELP!”

“HELLO?! LAFD!” Buck points his flashlight into a very low branching tunnel to his left that is completely blocked with huge boulders and steel parts. They keep moving forward. 

“Han, Diaz, status?” Gerrard’s voice is fuzzy over the unstable radio connection.

“We’ve reached the end of our tunnel,” Chimney answers, “nothing here, we’re turning back.”

“So, this is the last tunnel, then?” Buck says over his shoulder. 

“They said there are 11 lateral tunnels on the south side, but only 4 of them accessible through the breached blockade, so yeah this is it.” Hen says.

“I can’t believe you had to convince Gerrard to let us go in. I don’t understand why he’s still in a job he apparently hates doing so much.” Buck says and turns around to her. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“The power of balancing the right amount of diplomacy and disillusionment. You’ll learn that one day – or not.” She looks exhausted and signals him to keep walking with a nod of her head, “There is no use in trying to understand Gerrard, you just have to learn how to handle him. Let’s concentrate on not getting lost in however many miles of tunnels we have in front of us.”

They keep walking until the tunnel opens up into a large room that allows them to walk upright again. Some pieces of broken furniture and equipment are scattered through the room and a few collapsed walls expose protruding pipes, but while there were some empty bottles and packaging waste at the start of the first tunnels, there is no trace of someone recently having been here. Buck knows it’s probably useless, whoever broke in here might be long gone. The man who called 911 because he saw some kids climbing over the fence of the Fort MacArthur compound said he heard them talking about someone being hurt and wasn’t sure if someone was still inside. They ran away when he addressed them, and they couldn’t find anyone in the surrounding area. 

Shrill beeps and vibrations fill the soundless underground tunnel.

“Hen, we’re at 17 %”, Buck stops and holds up his gas meter. 

“Damn it.” Hen’s flashlight illuminates a pile of debris blocking the way in front of them.  

“HELLO? IS SOMEBODY DOWN HERE?” Buck’s throat hurts from the dry air and the yelling, no answer, no sound at all. 

“Wilso… ckley, status?!” Gerrard croaks over the radio.

“We found a room with another tunnel, but it’s blocked by debris.” Buck says into the radio. 

“blocked… find …nobody … back out.”

“What do you think?” Hen addresses Buck.

“I don’t know, the room seems untouched, and that pile is pretty high… but still…”

Hen picks up her radio, “Captain, there is some space at the top,” she points her flashlight upwards where there is a narrow passage between the approximately 2 and a half meter tall blockade and the ceiling, “they could have gone over, also we can’t be sure if the debris has loosened more recently after someone went through.”

“If… someone… hear… call … no one down there.”

Buck silences the gas meter before pressing the button on his radio. “Maybe they’re hiding or unconscious. Oxygen levels are pretty low down here.”

“…nonsense …back out here… done. Turn … … order!”

“Captain we -“ Hen starts.

“…OUT HERE… NOW!”

“Pretty low is an understatement judging by the sound of that thing.” Hen indicates the gas meter. Buck shrugs, “what sound?”, he looks at Hen, “I’m not turning back.” She takes a labored breath, “I didn’t think you would.”, she nods at him and they start climbing, ignoring Gerrard’s cut-off yelling on the radio.

They’re moving forward slowly with rocks and bricks cracking and sliding under their shoes, carefully avoiding the sharp edges sticking out and steel ropes winding through. 

“… Buck, Hen … going on?” Now its Eddie’s broken-up voice over the radio. 

Buck is too concentrated on navigating the ascent on loose and fickle ground to answer with his eyes strained from the restricted vision and his lungs frantically expanding to seep the minimal oxygen available in the thick air. He feels the crushing weight of the bunker pressing down on them, the structure is no longer a reinforced shelter, it has become a prison, or a tomb he thinks darkly. But maybe that’s just him. He is reminded of his dream, the feeling of being isolated and left out, a captive free to leave but unable to overcome the wall. He has been dealing with a lot of walls in his life when he thinks about it. The walls people put up to protect their feelings, hold in their trauma, fend off unwanted thoughts and questions that, well, hurt feelings and bring up trauma. 

His parents had drawn a wall around their grief for Daniel, understandably so, but they had left him and Maddie on the outside. Maddie’s reaction had been to run away, while he had been running up against that wall for years, until finally giving up. Now Gerrard has made the 118 his fortress and his rule requires boundaries Buck does not know how to draw. His own wall feels more like the one he is climbing right now, a messy pile of garbage, carelessly thrown together, growing and sliding randomly over the years, easy to walk over on the first glance but studded with spears and snares in places he himself isn’t aware of. 

Tommy’s wall is more like the one in his dream; plain, hard, repellant concrete, probably reinforced with steel rebars inside, it’s unrelenting and imposing, growing higher and thicker the closer he gets, he has learned quickly to immediately drop the topics Tommy doesn’t want to talk about and not bring them up again either, which leaves him unable to do what he usually does: identify problems and provide a solution, to be helpful or at least to be there. Sure, he often takes it a little too far, but even the conflicts that ensue in the end lead to a better understanding, to get closer to someone.  

Like with Maddie, or Bobby, or Eddie. Especially Eddie, because Eddie has WALLS, many of them, sturdy and stubborn, self-evident and necessary, they are constructed carefully, brick by brick, the weathered rust-red warm and earthy, the crushed clay pressed into shape, fixed in molds and hardened by fire, harboring the warmth and impeding the cold. These walls Buck understands, appreciates the individual pieces neatly ordered, knows what they feel like running his fingers over their rough, sandy surface, has figured out how to avoid the sharp edges, memorized all of the cracks and located the loose ones that move when pushed lightly. 

He knows because he has helped repair some sections, tended to compromised areas to keep them intact. He also knows how to shatter them if he had to, but he would never do that. He thinks it’s okay the walls are there, as long as he can remember which pieces to take out to reach through, always ready to immediately put them back and retreat to his side of the wall. He knows when to move the bricks and when to leave them in place, staying behind the barrier letting Eddie know he is on the other side. This is where he has learned to live, outside of people’s walls waiting for them to let him in, hoping they don’t forget he’s there. 

“We have to move some of these loose fragments from the top to get through and make sure they don’t slide down after us. Hen says. “Did he stop screaming or is the radio dead?”

Buck turns up the volume of his radio but all they hear is static. “We’re on our own, not that our Captain would be any help in this situa- ,” a big stone under his left foot slides down and he stumbles.

“Careful! Are you good?” Hen turns to Buck.

“Yap, all good.” He steps back up. “just sucks to go into this without a Captain that has our back. How are you so calm when it comes to Gerrard? How are you not angry?”

“Oh believe me, I’m angry, I just can’t afford to show it. Because it will not be seen as assertive,” she moves a big rock aside, “or justified,” she pulls on a piece of wood, “no, it’ll be interpreted as aggressive,” she clenches her teeth in some effort to remove the piece, “and irrational, ill-tempered and unprofessional,” the piece comes loose, and she throws it on the ground. “Being angry is a privilege I don’t have, especially not now that we are working to get our foster care license back.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Buck, I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to think about the consequences of your actions and consider if it’s worth rebelling, if it’s helping the situation or if it’s making things worse.”

“Like going into the blocked tunnel of an instable bunker with alarmingly low oxygen levels against our Captain’s orders?” Buck raises his eyebrows at her. 

“Oh no, we’re totally good on this one.” She says vigorously.

Buck laughs and pushes a large rock out of the way. “I think we should be good to go through.”

“Seriously though, that’s what I mean, we have to save our strength and anger for the battles worth fighting for, and as long as we all have each other’s back, it doesn’t matter what Gerrard does.” Hen says.

They half climb half slide down the other side of the debris slope attentively. 

“HELLO?! LAFD, ANYBODY HERE?”

They shine their flashlights around, the tunnel is about 15 feet long and filled with huge stacks of fragments, the ceiling in the back has completely collapsed.   

“Dead end.” Buck shrugs, I guess we-“ The noise of sliding rocks comes from the end of the tunnel.

“HELLO?!” They hurry around a pile of bricks and the beam of their flashlights illuminate a girl about 13 years old huddled together. She raises her head, her face is dirty and tear stained.

“Heyyy, my name is Hen, this is Buck. What’s your name?” Hen asks gently as they both kneel down next to her.

“Katy” she says quietly with fear in her eyes.

“Katy, are you hurt?”

“My ankle,” she points down to her right foot, her trouser is bloody and the ankle is swollen.

“Alright, we’ll get you out of here, how did you get this far into the tunnel all alone?” Buck asks as Hen examines the ankle.

Katy shrugs avoiding eye contact. 

“You don’t have to be scared, we‘re here to help, you’re not in trouble.” Buck reassures her. 

“My parents will be so mad.” She sounds miserable.

“They’re just gonna be happy that you’re ok.” Hen says, stabilizing the ankle with a bandage, “I only have minimal equipment, we’ll take a closer look in the ambulance, let’s get you out of here!”

“You’re probably way too grown-up for a piggyback ride, but I’m gonna need my hands to get over the rubble pile. That ok with you?” Buck crunches his nose and gives her a conspiratorial smile.

“Ok.” she still looks terrified but relieved at the idea of leaving this place.  

Buck secures her with a harness and squats down, she holds onto his shoulders, he gets up and follows Hen to the rubble pile with the girl on his back. From this side of the tunnel the pile is a lot steeper and has become more unstable from them sliding down before. 

He sees the same concerns in Hen’s expression. 

“BUCK? HEN?”

“EDDIE?” Buck and Hen look at each other in relief. 

“Well, let’s –“ Hen is interrupted by the loud crashing sound of a wooden beam over the pile bursting, causing the debris it’s been holding up to come tumbling down thunderingly. 

Chapter Text

One hour earlier

“Buck? Hen?”

Chimney and Eddie exchange tense looks. No matter how seasoned the firefighter, silence on the other end of the radio is the most terrifying part of the job. 

“They probably just had enough of Gerrard’s anger fits, let’s go back out.” Chimney says. Eddie nods, the air is too heavy to take a breath deep enough to push down what is crawling up his stomach. 

They make their way back out the tunnel and step outside the bunker system. The relief of the open sky above disappears immediately when they are greeted by Gerrard’s grim face and no sign of Buck and Hen. Gerrard is mumbling to himself, “idiots … insubordination … fired.” Two police officers have arrived while they were inside the bunker and are questioning the man who called 911.

“Finally, what took you so long?!” Gerrard barks towards them.

“We should take oxygen tanks when we go back in, our tunnel was fine, but seems like the one Hen and Buck entered runs a lot deeper, low oxygen levels over a prolonged period –“ Chimney starts.

“We are going back to the station. Those two can walk if they ever decide to come out and I will make sure neither of them is stepping foot inside a fire engine ever again!” 

“Sir, the connection got worse the further we went in, they probably couldn’t hear…” Eddie starts.

“…and they might already be on their way back, or maybe they found someone and need help with extraction.” Chimney adds.

“I am tired of hearing all of these words coming out of all of your useless mouths, the only thing I want to hear from now on is yes, Sir – “

“Ahem, Captain?” One of the police officers has walked over and is visibly uncomfortable having to address Gerrard. 

“WHAT?!” Gerrard turns around briskly. 

“Their daughter is missing, and they think she is in there.” He points over his shoulder towards a couple, now standing with the other police officer and the man they were questioning. 

“Her name is Katy.” The woman walks over too, the man follows her. 

“Why do you think she is in there?” Chimney asks.

“One of her friends came by our house.” She starts, her husband scoffs at the word friend.

“That’s not the term I would use.” He sneers and she looks at him placatingly.

“We moved here a few months ago,” he explains, “and Katy really struggled to make new friends…” His voice cracks, the woman touches his shoulder and takes over, “one of her classmates came by our house and told us that after school they came here for some sort of dare, they all went in and the new kid has to find their way back out alone, but when she didn’t come out, they got scared and ran.”

Eddie and Chimney exchange looks. Eddie routinely starts going through a mental list: axes, harness, rope, maybe they should also bring a gurney with them right away -

“Do you know what the stupidity of brats like your daughter costs the city every year?!” Gerrard starts.

“What?” the woman looks at him stunned.

Gerrard is about to elaborate, but is cut off by Chimney, “masks, oxygen tanks, rope, harness, also get some extra flashlights.” He addresses Eddie. 

“Axes, too, maybe we should take a gurney right away?” Eddie answers while they walk towards the engine. 

“HAN, DIAZ!”

“Captain, we’re gonna need back-up, Eddie and I are going in with axes and rope, but we will need someone to follow with medical –“

“I WILL NOT – “

“Captain Gerrard.” Eddie recognizes the sharp voice instantly, someone else has walked up behind Gerrard during their discussion. ”Time is of the essence, we can deal with the trespassing later. Your firefighters seem to have it handled for now, it’s time to call for back-up. Don’t you agree?” Athena looks at Gerrard coldly. 

Eddie and Chimney collect the necessary gear and make their way to the entrance. 

“Buck? Hen?” Eddie tries the radio again, nothing. He looks at Chimney, “How deep inside do you think they are?” 

“Not sure, the first two tunnels we covered didn’t go far, the third was blocked pretty close to the entrance, but judging by the lost connection…”

Eddie shakes his head to banish mental images of what collapsing tunnels, low oxygen levels and hidden shafts can do to the human body. Normally this isn’t an issue, focusing on the task at hand, concentrating only on the next necessary steps without worrying about possible outcomes… but normally Chris doesn’t live 800 miles away, normally he is not haunted by a man who decides to walk into ongoing traffic and normally Buck is by his side. 

They follow the tunnel, moving fast, knowing they should be reaching a bigger room at some point. The air gets more and more stifling, the gas meter confirms it with its shrill alarm, the tunnel gets lower and the axe in his belt drags across the ground and his helmet occasionally bumps the ceiling. 

“This is it!” Chimney says in front of him. 

They straighten up and search the room with their flashlights.

“There!” Eddie points to the debris buildup and they hurry across the room maneuvering around and over the scattered fragments.

“Buck? Hen?” Eddie screams, the words torturously squeeze their way past his scratchy throat, and he holds his breath, scared he might not hear the answer over his thrashing heartbeat.

“Eddie?” The answer is quiet and muffled but it’s there, he inhales forcefully which causes an explosive coughing attack, Chimney claps his back in grateful laughter. They come to a stop at the foot of the pile, catching their breath as suddenly a low rumble, followed by a loud crash, echoes through the tunnel and they are covered in a cloud of dust.

Eddie crouches on the ground instinctively and covers his head, he can feel small fragments and particles raining down on him, he looks up when it stops and finds Chimney by his side staggering to his feet. 

“HEN? BUCK?” Chimney exclaims, but the room is devastatingly silent  The passage is now fully blocked by debris towering over them stubbornly. 

“Wilson, Buckly, come in! Captain Gerrard?” Eddie tries the radio, also nothing. “We need to secure the ceiling and find a stable place to start removing pieces.” He gasps and stares at the newly formed barrier.

“Yeah, we should go back out, report, wait for back-up.” Chimney says equally out of breath. 

“Or… we trust that Gerrard will do the right thing and get to work.” Eddie grabs his axe.

“Unlikely, but Athena will.” Chimney nods to him and they approach the pile again, “looks like the wooden beam that held up the entrance of the tunnel came halfway down, but it’s still holding up the upper left side.”

“So, we should be able to move the parts on the right side and go through.” 
“Hopefully.” 

They carefully start testing which rocks are jammed and which ones are loose with their axes, moving their way up the right side of the pile. Eddie feels his heart racing spurred on by the acidity of the sick feeling that spills from his stomach and spreads throughout his body. It feels like he is wearing a full-body suit made out of tiny needles, that pinch his skin with every breath, drawing tighter and tighter. He pulls on the collar of his turnouts. 

Rock after rock, they proceed cautiously, the wooden beam aches but holds. It’s tedious work, the needle suit makes his arms heavy and his heartbeat is so loud that it feels like it will blast through his eardrums any second, sweat is running down his neck in irritating lines and his lungs start to rattle, he coughs and rubs his burning eyes.

“This damn thing is like a medusa but with rocks, every time you remove one, it grows two new ones…“ Chimney pants. 

“Isn’t that a hydra?” Eddie coughs. Buck would know. 

“I don’t know. It’s hopeless.” 

Eddie knows that Chimney isn’t referring to their lacking expertise in Greek mythology. He voices what Eddie has been violently pushing away. He would have to call Christopher and tell him –  “Just keep going.” Eddie brings the axe down hard. If there was a funeral Chris would have to come back to L.A. and – Eddie lets out a suppressed sound through his clenched teeth while hammering down again. 

That cannot happen. He cannot fail. Not again. He already used up all his screw-ups, it’s last strike right now. He finally falls into the necessary automatic state of functioning, like running on a treadmill way past exhaustion, disassembling and cleaning a weapon over and over again, getting up at the sound of the bell and putting on the gear. There is only the sound of metal on stone, the sliding down of pieces and the next piece to remove, only them and the pile, mocking their efforts of fighting an unrelenting beast. And the beast fights back with a roar as the wooden beam creaks again louder this time, causing a new avalanche of debris coming down towards them. 

“OH, COME ON!” Chimney exclaims, as they both slide downwards on the moving slope, bracing themselves and trying not to fall until the parts beneath their feet stop moving. 

Ignoring his burning lungs, shaking legs and tired arms, Eddie starts climbing upwards again. 

“Eddie, I’m not saying we should give up, but we need to …” Chimney stops and turns around towards a noise coming from the tunnel behind them.  

“Han, Diaz! Looks like you could use some hands!” 

Eight firefighters appear, fully equipped and carrying a gurney and two steel pillars. Chimney exhales loudly, and Eddie cannot discern if he is laughing or coughing, probably both. After fastening the steel pillars under the wooden beam, the additional hands and fresh energy of the reinforcement finally leads to some progress in building down the blockade. 

Between the thick air and his needle suit Eddie feels like he is close to passing out, but he keeps going. He works directly underneath the now stabilized wooden beam pushing on a big rock that sits in its place stubbornly. “Come on”, he grits his teeth and puts all strength available to him into pushing against it. No motion. Just as he is looking to find another place to try and break through, the rock suddenly moves, but in his direction instead of backwards. He quickly stabilizes his footing and then pushes his axe in the gap between the rocks pulling it toward himself instead of pushing against it. And it moves. 

“Careful, big one coming down!” he yells beneath him and with a final pull the rock loosens and falls down the pile. The view offered by the newly formed opening shatters his needle suit, he stumbles backwards and instinctively reaches forward through the gap grabbing onto the robust material of a turnout coat on the other side that belongs to Buck, who looks back at him disheveled and exhausted but alive, with a huge smile on his face.

“I knew I heard something!” Buck stabilizes Eddie through the gap by grabbing his elbow.

“Buck! You ok?!” Eddie exclaims, “Eddie, what’s going on?!” Chimney yells from down below.

“We’re ok and we found a girl in the tunnel!” Buck says. 

“Katy?” Eddie asks. 

“Yes, she hurt her ankle but otherwise she seems good. Wait, how do you know her name?”

“Her parents are waiting outside.”

“So, someone came back for her!” 

“Yes. One of her friends – “

“EDDIE!” Chim repeats impatiently. “Are you two done chatting!?” Hen’s voice sounds husky from the other side of the pile. 

“Eddie?” Buck looks at him questioningly. 

“Yes?”

“You’re gonna have to let go, so we can move the rest of the rocks.” Buck indicates Eddie’s hand still grabbing onto him firmly. 

“Ah, yes.” Eddie intends to let go, but his hands are not following the orders his head gives them right away. He feels like the ground is still shifting. He reluctantly let’s go.
They continue to work on the debris buildup from both sides, until the opening is big and stable enough for Hen and Buck to go through and to get Katy out on a gurney. Eddie sees Buck stumble and lean on a rock. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’m fine.” Buck coughs and grimaces.

“I can see the stars in front of your eyes from here.” Eddie walks towards him.

“Just a little dizzy.” 

“He was hit, was out for a couple minutes, check the helmet.” Hen pants, then squints at Chimney, who has pulled out his pocket flashlight to test her pupillary response. “I am actually fine, the ratio of dust to oxygen is just not optimal down here. Let’s get Katy out!”

Eddie examines Buck’s helmet that has deep scratches on the top right side and then sees the blood running down Buck’s temple. 

“We need to move out!” one of the firefighters yells, “we stabilized best we could but I’m not sure it will hold!” As if to confirm his statement the remainders of the wooden beam ache threateningly, and some rocks slide down.

“Alright, let’s move, you’re with me.” Eddie helps Buck up and supports him, immediately suspicious that Buck doesn’t protest when he helps him up and reaches his right arm around him for support, holding Buck’s left wrist over his shoulders in place, and then truly unsettled when he notices how unsteady and sluggish Buck’s steps are.

Two of the firefighters lead the way out, followed by the ones with Katy on the gurney, then Chimney and Hen. Eddie guides Buck after them and they are followed by the remaining firefighters. The way out seems endlessly long, and although Eddie’s whole body aches and Buck leans on him heavier with each step, he finally starts to feel some semblance of calmness take over.  

***

Buck’s chest is rising and falling in a regular, peaceful rhythm, same as half an hour ago, as well as an hour before that. Everything is fine. Except his breathing had been so shallow the first time Eddie checked that for an indefinite amount of seconds he thought it stopped, which is why he had to check again, and again, and again. He curses himself for letting Buck sign the discharge papers at the hospital. The doctor had recommended for Buck to stay the night but agreed that going home under supervision would be fine, which is how Eddie ended up on his own couch, surprised that the stern this-is-my-last word voice, rendered rather useless by Chris entering puberty, convinced Buck to sleep off the concussion and hypoxia symptoms in Eddie’s bed instead of climbing up the stairs in his loft or sleeping on either couch. He should have convinced him to stay at the hospital, but he knows why he didn’t. 

“I can call To-“

“Give me the papers.” Eddie had taken the sheet from the doctor and had turned around to Buck sitting on the hospital bed, face covered in cuts and bruises and a bandage on the right side of his forehead giving Eddie a look that reminded him of the one Chris uses when he wants to convince him that his stomachache has nothing to do with Mr. Tanner’s math class. A look that works. Every time. He was aiming for Buck’s shoulder, grabbing onto him as always when he needs his full attention, making sure to have a physical pathway to get through to him, what he doesn’t trust his words to fully convey. But somehow his hand ended up on Buck’s neck, thumb on cheekbone, the other fingers in his hair pulling him slightly closer. Buck didn’t flinch, pull back or look irritated in any way, while Eddie himself was thrown off for a moment.

“Promise me you are really ok?”

“I feel like a pile of rocks fell on top of me,” Buck grinned but nodded earnestly when Eddie didn’t reciprocate, “I’m ok, I just don’t want to stay here.”

“Fine.” Eddie let go quickly and was weirdly satisfied with Buck’s relief. He also didn’t tell Buck that Tommy had called when he was being examined. He put the phone in his pocket and, when they came home, screen down on the table, where it remained completely ignored since. 

But now he is sitting on the ground of his dark bedroom, back leaned against the door frame, where he eventually ended up, exhausted but unable to sleep, because every time he started to drift away, he was at the foot of the debris buildup again, filled with a sense of dread, chipping away rock after rock but not moving forward one bit.  

Can’t put all your feelings in a box Eddie. 

Well, joke’s on Frank, because in an act of defiance Eddie had upgraded the box; watch me build a well so endlessly deep and conveniently dark it can hold a lifetime full of useless baggage sealed up nice and tight. Because last time the lid had come off, he had decided he doesn’t need to know what else was looming down there. Some things just need to be kept hidden, ostracized, shut out, nobody needs to know, not even Eddie himself, because it is wrong and ugly and unforgivable what is lying around down there. He put it there for a reason and everything was fine until he looked down the pit. Instead of working on sealing the damn thing he went to therapy, kept it open, allowed for everything to come out. Enough of that. 

“Eddie? What happened?” He is startled by the sound of Buck’s sleepy voice and looks up towards the bed, in which Buck is turned towards him leaning on his elbow. 

“What happened?!” Eddie repeats in disbelief but Buck still looks genuinely confused. “Wait, what is the last thing you remember?” He asks alarmed. 

“… your miserable attempt at making some kind of soup?” Buck squints.

Ok, no memory loss and the ability to make fun of him has to be enough for tonight. “Go back to sleep.” He leaves the bedroom door ajar and goes to lay down wide awake on the couch for the rest of the night.

***

“Morning.” Buck scuffs into the kitchen.

“How are you feeling?” Eddie gives him a quick glance, while he closes the fridge, almost dropping the egg carton. 
 
“Pretty good and actually hungry!” Buck leans against the counter on the right side of the oven. 

“Good, I’ll try my best to not make the eggs too miserable,” he follows Buck’s gaze, “don’t even think about coffee, I’m making tea.”

Buck sulks shortly, then he sees the time, “shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Switched my shift.”

“Why?”

“What is wrong with you?” Eddie narrows his eyes at Buck, agitated from the lack of sleep and unwilling to discuss its cause. The cutlery clatters in the drawer, which he pulls all the way out with way too much momentum. His mother hated when he did that, watch what you’re doing, Eddie, you’re always so careless, you’re going to break it. 

“Well, where do you want me to start...” Buck’s attempt to lighten the mood makes Eddie swallow his words, because he only tastes the bitter ones, intensified by Buck’s growing distress, because he knows it will inevitably end in him asking if something is wrong, which in turn he will not be able to answer, so he needs to… just stop whatever it is he’s doing right now. He rummages through the drawer, where is that stupid whisk.

“It’s just a scratch and a headache.” Buck’s voice is alert already, good job Eddie. 

“Four stitches, 84% oxygen saturation and a grade 2 concussion.” Eddie pushes the drawer closed, also unreasonably forceful, and suppresses a grumble. This is his kitchen and if the drawer breaks because of a little push then fine, let the damn thing break. 

“Which is nothing considering the 118 track record, probably wouldn’t even make it into the top … what… 100? job injuries. I guess rebar through the skull must still be on 1, right?”

“Not the point.” Eddie slams a bowl on the counter. He can practically hear Buck’s thoughts rattling now. Well, what exactly is your point?!

“What is the point?” Buck asks calmly. Here we go, what did you expect, you could have accepted the diversion, now you’ve created a problem. Again.

Turning around to look at Buck’s conciliatory countenance doesn’t help, “I don’t need to tell you what Bobby would have said, do I? You went in there without knowing what you would find, with no radio connection and insufficient equipment. Without Athena … we would still be in that damn bunker right now.” Wow, the Bobby card…

“Athena was there?”

“Yes, she’s the one who convinced Gerrard to call for back-up.” Eddie turns back around. 

“It didn’t seem that unstable at first and we needed to make sure there was nobody left inside. Besides, if Bobby was there the situation would have been completely different, Gerrard left us no choice but to force his hand.”

Eddie focuses on cracking eggs into the bowl with his back turned to Buck. 

“What’s really going on?” 

Great, there it is, maybe he could just wait it out. Eddie vehemently fishes out eggshells that keep slipping through his fingers. 

Buck waits for a while. “Please don’t shut down.” His tone isn’t reproachful, not even demanding, worse it’s just patient and sympathetic and the cold contempt that has been building up slowly now fiercely shoots rage through Eddie’s veins. 
 
“You didn’t answer the damn radio!” Eddie throws the bowl with the eggs into the sink and turns around to Buck who looks back at him startled. 

“… We… lost connection...” it’s more a question than a statement. 

“And you still went right ahead!” Eddie raises his hands in frustration, “You could have gone back as soon as you noticed! But no, you just kept going!” He gestures forward. 

“Ok. You’re right. I’m sorry.” Buck has his hands in his pockets and is slightly crouched over. 

Eddie closes his mouth that he already opened to challenge whatever rebuttal Buck was about to give him. His first impulse is to be mad at Buck. For agreeing with him, for not engaging in the discussion, for not telling him that he is wrong, for disarming him. For not making the point that he would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed, that it all worked out in the end and that the injuries are in fact not that serious considering their job and all in all that he is overreacting.  

Eddie wipes a hand across his face and turns to the side. 

“Look, Hen and I decided to go ahead knowing we couldn’t count on Gerrard,” Buck explains, “but we knew we could count on you and Chim. But you’re right, I didn’t consider that we forced your hands too and put everyone at risk, so we should have at least let you know what we were doing.”

The wave of anger slowly recedes leaving behind flotsam, scattered and messy and if he would look closely, Eddie would probably be surprised about some of the pieces the tide dragged in. 

“Eddie?” Buck has moved and is now standing in front of him. 

He realizes he has just been standing there without moving or saying anything, but there is nothing else to do but to be there, it’s all he can do at this moment. The eggs are slowly dispersing in the sink. 

“Are we good?” Buck tries to find his eyes. 

Eddie manages to nod and attempts to look accordingly but apparently, he fails, because Buck moves towards him and pulls him into a hug and Eddie lets him. For a moment everything slows down. Eddie feels warm and save, every tense muscle relaxes, his sore eyes close, and he welcomes the darkness, for the first time since there was no answer on the radio, he feels like he can take a full breath again, and his heart stops jumping around angrily in his chest, falling back into a steady rhythm. He realizes how exhausted he is from simply carrying his own bodyweight, loaded with guilt and shame and fear, and how good it feels to let somebody else carry it for him for a moment and so he leans in, until he suddenly becomes painfully aware of the intimacy of the moment with Buck’s arm around his right shoulder, hand on his neck, the other resting loosely on his hip, their torsos pressed against each other, with his cheek touching Buck’s neck and his chin resting on his shoulder, so that he cannot discern Buck’s heartbeat from his own anymore. He immediately breaks off and clears his throat, his eyes fixed on the ground, “… eggs…” he points vaguely over his shoulder. He brings himself to quickly look up at Buck before going to the sink. Buck is the one who got injured, he should be the one taking care of Buck not the other way around. 

“Peppermint or chamomile?” Eddie snuffles while cleaning the eggs out the sink with a paper towel.

Buck sighs overly dramatic giving the coffee machine a longing look, “Peppermint.” He gets another egg carton out of the fridge and sets it down on the counter. “Hey, did you know that the name ‘mint’ comes from Ancient Greek? According to the myth, Persephone – goddess of spring and vegetation - transformed a river nymph called Minthe into a plant that would grow like weed because she was having an affair with her husband Hades – god of the underworld - who then changed the curse so she would have a sweet fresh smell, which doesn’t seem really helpful if you ask me...”

Eddie sets down the cleaned bowl gently, grabs the whisk from the drying rack and just listens while cracking the eggs. 

Chapter Text

“So, if you’ll be fit for duty next week, we can finally take that trip to my buddy’s Malibu beach house?” Tommy is leaning on the kitchen counter following Buck with his eyes. 

“Yeah, sure…” Buck is walking around his kitchen preoccupied by looking for his phone.

“You know what, I could also just get the AW139 from the station and we could elope, get married in Vegas.” Tommy crosses his arms. 

“Sounds great… ah there it is!” Buck pulls his phone out of the duffle bag on one of the chairs and checks it with furrowed brows.

“Evan, did you listen to a word I just said?” Tommy asks annoyed.

“Ah, sorry. Just needed to check. Eddie was… off yesterday, but I didn’t want to press him.” Buck trails off lost in thought. 

“Oh, so now you check your phone, but of course,” Tommy rolls his eyes, “wouldn’t want to annoy EDDIE.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Buck lowers the phone, now concentrated on the conversation. 

“Nothing.” Tommy tilts his head with a wry smile. Concrete, grey and cold. Buck takes a moment, sizes up the wall, he’s done staring at it. 

“Didn’t sound like nothing.” 

“For god’s sake,” Tommy jeers, “is this what it’s always going to be like even if the kid ever does move back here?”

“You mean when Chris comes back, soon. Besides, you and Eddie are friends, too. You spent time with the two of them!?” 

“Hanging out occasionally, babysit from time to time, if necessary, alright. Right now it’s taking over our life.” Tommy gestures between himself and Buck. 

“Chris is 13, it’s not exactly babysitting, and you make it sound like some kind of chore.”

“He is still a kid.” Tommy shrugs dismissively. 

“And that is a problem because?” Buck sets down the phone, rolls back his shoulders, trying to stretch out the strain in the right side of his neck.

“I have no problem with kids, I just don’t want to be around them all the time.” Tommy raises his hands when he sees Buck’s expression, “I know it’s different for you.”

“I haven’t really thought that far but I guess I always kinda assumed I would have kids one day.” Buck says pensively.

“Technically you already do.” Tommy says with a raised eyebrow.

“Not really, I mean I haven’t seen the kid since birth, I’m not involv –”

“I was talking about Chris. What are you talking about?”

“Oh,” Buck smiles, then notices the withering look on Tommy’s face, “wait, you say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Not as long as it’s not messing with my weekend plans. Can we go back to the birth thing?”

“I’m sorry that spending time with the people who are most important to me is such an inconvenience for you.” Buck feels the adrenaline rising in his body and the anxiety that comes with actively engaging in confrontation.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Tommy rolls his eyes and crosses his arms again. “You just take every chance you get to doubt me. It’s starting to get old.”

“No, I don’t.” Buck objects weakly. 

“Of course you do, I was a terrible person towards Wilson and Howie, I don’t appreciate you co-parenting your best friend’s kid… your standards are so high I don’t even think you want me to meet them.” 

Buck doesn’t know what to say. Tommy takes a deep breath. “You should take a nap if you really still insist on going tonight, want me to pick you up, around 8?”

“No, I’ll call an uber. Stopping by here would be a detour for you.” 

“Fine, see you later.” Tommy leaves.

Buck sits down on the couch. It’s the first time in three days that he is alone, he looks down at the three red lines of missed calls from Tommy nudged in his call history between the answered ones from Maddie and Bobby. Calling Tommy hadn’t even occurred to him, not in the hospital and not after they left. He texted Tommy, and stayed at Eddie’s house for two nights, after which Tommy had picked him up and brought him back to the loft. The headache and dizziness are completely gone now, but he still feels the weight of the bunker lingering, like they never fully made it out, as if part of him is still down there. The team has been through so much worse, the bunker call seems so insignificant in relation and still he doesn’t remember the last time a call has clung onto him so insistently, imprinted on his skin, stuck to his muscles, stowed in his bones. And he knows he isn’t the only one. Eddie’s behavior after the bunker rattled him. He is used to this kind of treatment from Maddie or Bobby, but never from Eddie. 

The notification sound of his phone catches his attention, anticipation turns into ease when he sees Eddie’s name. 

 You sure, you’re up for tonight? We can postpone?

 Yes, I’m sure, Buck hesitates, it’ll be good, he thinks for a while, for all of us

 I’ll pick you up at 7.30

 Ok

Are you sure that you are ok, Buck starts typing, stops, deletes the words, because they are useless. He already knows the automatic reply they will trigger, anticipates the frustration with which the letters would be typed, envisions the look aimed at shutting down further inquiry. There has got to be another way. 

***

“So, are we drowning our sorrows, or are we raising our glasses in celebration? Chimney asks after a sip of beer. 

“I say this is just an informal little get together, don’t want to risk jinxing anything.” Hen says. 

“Come on guys, what’s going on?” Eddie looks around the table that accommodates the extended 118 family. 
 
“Well, rumor has it, the 118 Captain seat might soon be vacant. Coincidentally, I happen to have a retired Captain at home who is in urgent need of his old team.” Athena says nonchalantly, gently touching Bobby’s shoulder, who joins them on the table with two club sodas, one of which he passes to Buck. Everyone looks at him expectantly. 

Bobby looks around the table with a subdued smile, “I have an appointment with Chief Simpson tomorrow morning.”

“Aaaaand?!” Chimney asks. 

“Apparently – among other factors - a certain police sergeant”, Bobby turns his head towards Athena and his smile broadens, “expressed their deep concern with the leadership of the 118. Captain Gerrard is under review and relieved of his duties until further notice.” 

Triumph erupts around the table. “Yeeeas!” Hen and Chimney clink their bottles, and Karen puts her head on Hen’s shoulder in relief, while Maddie squeezes Buck’s arm excitedly. Eddie drops his head back in liberation and Ravi imitates a happy drumroll on the table. 

“How did you end up at Fort MacArthur anyway? Seems like an unusual call for you?” Hen addresses Athena.

“Well, let’s say I happened to have an eye on the calls answered by a particular firehouse.” Athena says winking to Bobby. 

“Glad you did. Otherwise, things could have gone very differently.” Chimney says.

“Well, the parents of the saved girl thought so too, and I was more than happy to point them in the right direction to address their grievances. After all, it’s our duty as public servants to make sure we actually serve the public.” Athena smiles with a raised eyebrow. 

“So, that’s where the ‘other things’ come in?” Ravi asks.  

“Yes, some… sensitive documents about Gerrard’s past management methods seem to have surfaced.” Bobby says nodding towards Tommy who raises his beer in response. 

“Paired with recent internal complaints and the social media outrage after recruitment day, I would say Gerrard is done.” Hen says contently. 

“#notmycaptain, #angryoldwhitefireman.” Chim savors the words.

“Interestingly, the surfaced documents also uncovered inappropriate political ties,” Athena says, “the city council is under scrutiny for corruption and consequently some heads will roll.”

“That means…” Maddie looks at Karen and Hen.

“There will be another hearing, the judge has been exchanged and with the right character witnesses…” Hen looks around the table.

“… there is a good chance that Mara will be back home very soon.” Karen says with happy tears in her eyes.

Congratulatory joy and laughter break out again. They spend the rest of the evening exchanging war stories and celebrating the defeat of Gerrard’s command. Chimney and Maddie take advantage of the karaoke machine, while Karen, Hen and Athena dance. Ravi, Eddie and Tommy play pool. 

“So glad your back, Cap.” Buck smiles dimly at Bobby, they are sitting on one end of the now empty table.

“Glad to be back, kid.” Bobby nods at him. “How’s your head?” 

“Great.” Buck says insistently. “Everything will finally be ok, now.” 

“Come on, you guys did pretty great without me.” Bobby’s proud smile turns into a frown when he sees Buck’s expression. 

“The bunker call… it was bad.”

“Bad how?”

“When the wall collapsed… I seriously thought that was it. Only a matter of what would get us first, the lack of oxygen or the lack of water. Until we heard the axes, we thought Chim and Eddie were buried on the other side.” Buck swallows. “Going on calls without you there was hard enough, but going on calls with Gerrard…” He can smell the air again, thick with desperation and fear, feel the dust blurring his vision, hear the buzzing of an oncoming blackout. 

“So you had a bad call, but still, the way you handled a difficult situation is impressive. You guys make a great team regardless of its Captain.” Bobby affirms. 

“You don’t understand. It might look like that from the outside, sure, we still did our job, we always will, and yes, we’re still a functioning team but, we’re not…” Buck’s voice trembles, “Everything felt wrong, you not being at the station, or on the radio, knowing we couldn’t fall back on that. With you, we could always concentrate on the fire ahead, with Gerrard we also had to watch our back.” 

“It’s tough to save people if you don’t feel save yourself.” Bobby says gently.  

Buck nods and stares on the table, “I don’t know how Hen and Chim did it. Again. It was tough on all of us.” he says quietly and looks across the room to Eddie and Tommy talking, Eddie’s posture seems tense, half turned away from Tommy, looking around restlessly. Are you sure that you are ok?

Bobby follows his gaze. “How are things with Tommy? I noticed you didn’t come here together.” 

“Uh,” Buck twists his mouth, “it’s complicated,“ he turns his head abruptly to look at Bobby curiously, “What did you think about him, I mean back then when you were working together?”

“It’s been a while and he left shortly after I joined. I could sense that he was working through some things, but I never felt like I got through to him.”

Buck nods slowly. “You know, I just thought I finally figured it out…”

“What?”

“Relationships.”

Bobby laughs, “I’m not sure that’s possible. Every relationship has its own hurdles, it’s just about knowing which compromises seem feasible, but there are always going to be things to figure out, you just need to decide whether it’s worth doing the figuring.”

“How do you know it’s worth it?”

“With Tommy?”

“Yeah, I mean, breaking up would feel like it has all been for nothing. I thought I finally found the missing piece. If it doesn’t’ work out it’s back to the problem being me.”

“That’s not true. You can’t tie your perception of yourself to another person, Buck. You did find a new piece of yourself and Tommy took part in that, but it’s yours, and you are good just the way you are.” 

***

“I was just telling Eddie about our trip to Malibu.” Tommy smirks adamantly, when Buck walks over to them.  

“You were?” Buck takes a huge gulp from his glass, almost chokes.  

“Yes, I was just about to say, you could totally come.” Tommy addresses Eddie with narrow eyes. 

“Nooo, no. Sounds more like a two people trip.” Eddie forces a smile and takes a step back. “Hey, I think I’m gonna split. You ok catching a ride with Bobby and Athena?” he looks at Buck unsteadily. 

“I’m right here.” Tommy says blankly. 

“Sure, sorry.” Eddie doesn’t look at him. 

“Such a shame you have to go already.” Tommy answers sourly.

“Everything alright?” Buck looks from Tommy to Eddie. Are you sure that you are ok? 

“No, yes, I just… I’m just not feeling so celebratory, don’t want to ruin the mood. You have a good night.” Eddie walks away swiftly. 

“Evan. He is a grown man, he can take care of himself.” Tommy says even before Buck can say what he was about to say.

“I came over here to tell you guys I was leaving anyway.” Buck can see that Tommy doesn’t believe him.

“Of course you did.”

“I’m sorry.” Buck doesn’t even know what exactly he is apologizing for, but he just wants to flee the situation, so he hurries after Eddie. 

“Hey, Eddie!” He catches up with him at the parking lot. 

“Buck, what are you doing out here?”

“Are you sure that you are ok?” The words are out before he can stop them, red brick dull under his knuckles. Shit.

“Yes. Go back inside, celebrate.” Eddie opens his car door. 

“I was gonna go home soon, anyway.” Step back, retreat, wait.

“You really don’t have to.” Eddie’s shoulders slump. 

Buck walks around the car to get in at the passenger side. “I’m tired. Besides, the 118 will be back to normal next shift, that’s all I needed to hear tonight.”

“What about Tommy.” Eddie pulls his door shut. 

“He’ll be fine.” Buck fastens his seat belt. 

Eddie raises his eyebrows at him while starting the engine. 

“What did you guys talk about before I came over?” Buck taps his fingers on the side of the doorframe. 

“Nothing, just stuff.” Eddie focuses on the traffic.

“Stuff?”

“Yes, Buck, stuff.” 

“Hey, about Malibu, I can cancel if you…” Dead end, take another turn. 

“If I say so?”

“If you need me.”

“I’m fine. Why Malibu anyway?”

“A friend of his has a beach house there.”

“Solid reasoning.” Eddie huffs and shakes his head, “you know you can just say no, you don’t need to find some lame excuse.”

“I’m not, I just think the timing is bad with Chris gone and after the last call…”

“Oh my god, is this still about the damn bunker? We talked about it, it’s done.”

“Ok.”

“Don’t do that!” Eddie slams his hand on the steering wheel. 

“Do what?”

“Just agree with every damn thing because you think I’m on the verge of some sort of breakdown!”

Buck bites back the next “ok.” The thing is, he is not entirely sure Eddie isn’t having a breakdown. Something is not right. Something is different. Something is missing. Something must have happened, something Eddie hasn’t told him. The walls have formed a labyrinth, all he can see are rows of rust red brick patterns, too many paths to chose without knowing where they lead. 

“I don’t agree, and I don’t believe that you’re ok, but I don’t see the point in arguing.” Stay away from the walls, just keep moving it’ll be fine, it’s always possible to trace the way back, don’t get lost.  

“Right, you just go along to avoid conflict, so what, you’re gonna marry Tommy, start a family with him just to avoid telling him what you want?!”

“What does that have to do with Tommy?” 

“You never think things through!”

“You know, Bobby will be back next shift, so you can stop substituting for his lectures. You can let me out here, I can walk the rest of the way.”

“Not gonna do that.” Eddie says through his teeth. They don’t talk for the rest of the drive. 

***

“Malibu?” Maddie asks skeptically.

“Yeah, Tommy’s friend has a house there,” Buck plays wits some spilled sugar on the table absentmindedly, “he has wanted us to go for a while now and then he brought it up last night, out of nowhere, in front of Eddie, it was weird, I kind of felt pressured, like there was no reason to say no.”

“Why would you need a reason?” Maddie sets down a coffee mug in front of him at her kitchen table.
 
“I don’t know.”

“Maybe he did it on purpose. It does seem like you have made a habit of finding reasons not to talk to or spend time with Tommy….” She looks at him over the rim of her mug, “… Eddie being one of them?” 

“No, I haven’t." Buck realizes that he is running out of people to believably justify his reasoning to, including himself.

Maddie sighs, “then what about at the hospital? You could have called Tommy, his apartment doesn’t have stairs. Neither has our house by the way… but instead you just told Eddie you would call Tommy...”

Buck doesn’t have an answer for that. Except that he hoped Eddie would offer – if he’s honest maybe even suspected he would jump in if he invoked the idea of calling Tommy – and that it had made him feel good. Safe. At least until the conversation in the kitchen the next morning. He tries to remember how he felt, back when he met Tommy, how excited he was to see him, how his confidence had made him feel comfortable and calm. Like he discovered something new and exciting in life, about himself, how everything finally started to make sense versus now, when he only feels hollow. 

“You can’t be fine with Tommy’s past, how he treated Chim?”

Maddie shakes her head “No, I’m not, but I believe that people can change.”

“I don’t know if he has.”

Maddie returns a questioning look.

“I mean he apologized and everything, but it still changed the way I think about him.”

“The way you think about him, or the way you feel about him?”

“Both. Yeah, yeah, I know he’s been through a lot, and times were different, and that relationships are about compromise and helping to carry each other’s baggage and so on and so forth…” Buck rubs his face. 

“That’s all true, but you shouldn’t need to compromise your values, and the other person has to be willing to share their baggage with you, but also work on lightening the load.”

“But if you really love someone you wouldn’t mind how heavy it is, right?” 

Maddie smiles sadly, “I think you are putting too much pressure on this relationship and on yourself. If it feels that heavy, then maybe you have to ask yourself, why you’re still clinging on to it?”

Buck thinks for a while. “Maybe the trip isn’t that bad of an idea after all, being away from everything for a while, you know, get some clarity.”

Maddie hesitates, “maybe.” she sips on her coffee. 

***

“Don’t forget your bathing trunks, and sunscreen. Lots of it.” Tommy says looking Buck up and down. “Maybe you should also consider leaving your phone.”

“What?” Buck looks up from his phone bewildered.

Tommy sighs in frustration, “Evan, I played along for a while but it’s getting annoying, my patience is not endless.” He pointedly puts down the travel back near the door. 

“Played along?”

“With whatever it is you’ve been doing the last weeks. And I swear to god, if you say the words ‘Eddie’ or ‘Chris’…”

“He is my friend, and he needs me right now.”

“I’m sure he does.” Tommy says sarcastically.

“What does that mean?”

“It’s not like we’re married, you don’t owe me anything but I’m tired of being on the bottom of your priority list. Look it’s fine, he is hot and the whole army-trauma-single-dad-act only adds to it. I get it.”

Buck blinks, unable to process the words fast enough to react appropriately, “that’s...that's how you see this?”

“Yeah, I got eyes.” Tommy says sneeringly, “but apparently, you still haven’t realized whose attention you were trying to get.”

“What!?”

“Oh, come one! What would have happened if I didn’t kiss you that evening?”

Buck holds his breath for a few seconds and turns away. Tommy’s words cleared all his thoughts out of their place, if they ever had one. He shakes his head trying to reestablish order and when he picks up one at random it translates into: 
“I think you should leave.”

“What?” Tommy smiles at Buck in disbelief. 

“Yeah, and maybe don’t come back.” The second mental item grabbed from the chaos on the ground of his mind reads. Buck still has his back turned to Tommy staring in the distance processing Tommy’s words but also his own reaction. 

“Evan, what is going on?” Tommy walks towards Buck.

“I don’t feel like playing along anymore either.”

Chapter Text

Eddie sinks deeper into the car seat slumped by the sudden loss of input previously lent by the car’s movement with the motor running and the visual flow of the city passing by. Delaying the moment of crossing the threshold into the house, its dark windows a display of his failure as a father, allows for contemplation to catch up. The bits and pieces that vanished behind him in the distance of the last weeks now crowd his mind, he flinches as he is pelt with words, and presses his back into the seat to evade the sentences reaching to tug at him and the questions darting forward to poke him. 

What’s really going on?

It’s tough to find the words to explain your inner workings when you pride yourself in hiding them so well that the mechanisms are a mystery even to yourself. Alone in the dark instead of in the daylight with Buck, Eddie dares to drop a line down the well to fish for answers. Catch and release. Floating just beneath the surface is the fact that being angry at someone for agreeing, for being thoughtful and patient and understanding and relentlessly there for you is stupid. Yet still, everything inside him rebels when asked how he is, or offered help, or worse told to forgive himself, he shouldn’t. He can’t. Forgiveness implies defectiveness. Every helping hand deals a blow and compassion delivers the knockout, inevitably leading to an announcement of inadequacy. 

Would you talk to someone else the way you’re talking to yourself?
Joke’s on Frank, again, he would. He has. 

You didn’t answer the damn radio

Another stupid accusation easily spotted drifting in the dark. Buck didn’t answer. Buck always answers. If it’s not right away, then it’s a call back or a text soon after. More often than not, there already is a call or a text waiting to be answered. Buck is always there, always in reach. Except when he is hanging from a ladder truck high up in the air after being struck by lightning or buried deep below ground under a pile of stones.  

Silence means death. Eddie is stuck in the moment the connection broke, when white, hot panic shot through him, the panic he thought was gone, or at least in check, was back. He let it escape the well and now he has to put it back. He just needs some time, needs to be left alone, until he has it under control again, but Buck never leaves things alone, in fact he never leaves at all. Usually. Except maybe this time Eddie pushed hard enough.

What does that have to do with Tommy?

Eddie warily inspects the new piece retrieved from deeper down the well, deformed and nasty it dangles on the hook of his line, this weird sense of triumph that Buck left to go with him, leaving Tommy behind, again. Eddie caught himself reveling in it, savoring it, even asking for it, ‘what about Tommy?’, just to hear Buck say it. There had been a time when he genuinely meant to convince Buck to go, but somewhere along the way, he started saying things he knew would make him stay. Pushing the boundaries, expecting to bounce back at some point, he instead discovered there were none. 

If I say so?

In many places the absence of boundaries poses a security hazard. He can’t risk Buck stepping any closer to the pit, he already is way too close, has glanced inside and tried to come up with ideas on how to approach. Eddie has to protect him from the darkness reaching out with its long-range tentacles to drag him down. The relief of not facing the pit alone, of having someone there with him felt good, too good. He failed, wasn’t strong enough, gave into the feeling of being chosen over someone, even if just out of pity. Buck’s compassion bears no judgement, which is what makes it so dangerous. 

Are you sure that you are ok?

He slams his head back against the headrest of the car seat and abruptly gets up, enters the dark house. He closes the door behind him and doesn’t turn on the light, goes to brush his teeth. The pale moonlight is enough to get around, to only see what’s absolutely necessary, to grab the tube of toothpaste, the one with the yellow cab he got in addition to the one already there because Buck complained that it doesn’t foam enough. 

He stumbles into the bedroom, why is the blanket folded this way? Right, he didn’t change the bedding, whatever, he is too exhausted to do it now, and since Buck showered here, it won’t smell like that awful aftershave Tommy got him. He pulls the blanket apart, lays down and closes his eyes. Is it weird not to change it? Feels like it should be weird, he changed it before Buck slept in here. Cause that seems like the appropriate thing to do. Maybe it just feels too intimate, like the hug. The hug. It exceeded the acceptable duration time of its purpose. Overshot the very function of a simple hug in general, communicating to someone that you are grateful, that you are happy to see them, or that you have missed or will miss them. Hugs are about what the other person needs to be told in that moment, but this one crossed into another territory, physical contact for physical contact’s sake, born out of a need that Eddie refuses to accept as his own. His eyes fall closed. The light pressure of Buck’s palm warm on his neck… muscles alleviated by his chin resting on Buck’s shoulder… everything down to the most basic bodily functioning of breath and heartbeat relinquished…

Eddie is walking, the abyss before him pitch black swallowing every sound, every color, every sensation, he looks up and sees someone standing on the other side, screaming, but he can’t make out who it is, ignores it, keeps walking. The man on the other side of the road. Who had he been before he ended up dead, buried under a stack of car wreckage? He seemed to have no direction, no identity, existing only in the moment of walking over the freeway with death rushing towards him, stuck in the past, no way of accessing his future. Sirens are approaching. Eddie wakes up and shuts off his alarm, set out of routine, even on a day like this, when his shift doesn’t begin until late afternoon and there is nothing to get up for. Chris doesn’t need to be taken to school, or provided with lunch or reminded that he has science club and will be picked up by Karen to spend the evening at the Wilsons’. 

If you need me

Need is hungry for attention, for care, for nourishment, it cries and demands and knows no convenience or responsibilities. It is helpless and crude and dependent and it requires another person to provide, to participate, to attend. A hug for a hug’s sake. Pure comfort and affection outside of your control.

He walks into the kitchen and opens the cabinet to get the coffee out, the peppermint tea is in the way. Shit. He throws the cabinet closed and looks for his phone. No calls or texts from Buck, if he wanted to talk, he would have contacted him, so now he has to wait. Might as well get the anxious moment of his daily text to Chris out of the way, anxious because the success rate is fifty-fifty, sometimes he receives an answer, sometimes he doesn’t, he types:

  Morning, bud, hope you’re ok. Good news: Bobby will be back soon. Also, the Millers across
  the street got a cat. Let me know when you are free to talk. Miss you.    

He sees that Chris is online, so he waits a moment, a happy flash running through him when he sees that he is typing, so he waits excitedly, nothing. Screw this. He hits the call button.  

“Hey Dad.”

“Chris! Hey! How are you!?”

“Good.” Automation instead of sincerity. 

“Thought I’d try reaching you, what are you up to?” God, he hates talking like this, in a forced ritual of maintaining communication.

“Playing video games.”

“And you still picked up?! Now I’m really honored!”

Nothing.

“Is everything ok?”

Silence for a while then, “yes.”

“Chris, if –“

“Need to go Dad, bye.” Chris sounds rushed, Eddie hears his mother calling for Chris in the background.

“Sure, let’s –“ the call is ended. 

He sits there staring at the phone for a while.

Maybe it’s time to look at your life outside of being a father

Outside of going to work what is he living for right now? Where is his life going? Since when does he ask himself questions like that. His phone pings, a text from Chris:

  What’s the cat’s name?

  Sammy

  Cool

  He likes to sleep on the stairs in the sun, maybe I can show you on the next call?

  Maybe

Eddie waits for a while, then takes a deep breath and finally puts on the coffee. This is the longest exchange he had with Chris since he left. That has to be a good sign. He feels a twitch in the back of his mind, after hanging loosely for a while, his line is now suddenly strained, pulled down forcefully…

My money would have been on you anyway

That one he frantically rips from the hook and throws it back down the well as fast and hard as he can, dropping the line itself right after.

 
***
 
“Can’t wait for all the paperwork to be done and for Bobby to be back! Chimney sighs from opposite the table at the firehouse.  

“And for Bobby’s cooking to be back…” Eddie mistrustfully eyes the pot placed in front of them. Chimney pulls a face while filling their plates. 

“So, how is Buck?” Chimney nods at Eddie, “I can’t tell if he’s taking the breakup really bad, or if there’s something else going on. Maddie said -” 

“Breakup?” Eddie looks up from the brown mush on his plate. 

“With Tommy… wait, you didn’t know?!” Chimney exchanges a look with Hen who has joined them on the table. 

“I thought they are in Malibu right now.” Eddie looks between them. 

“Well, I thought you’d be the first to know, considering…” Hen tilts her head with raised eyebrows and grimaces at the consistency of their lunch running down her spoon. 

My money would have been on you anyway. Eddie suppresses a headshake, “Considering what?” he asks sharply. 

“How much you dislike Tommy…” Hen snorts, Chimney chuckles. 

“What, no. I don’t…. Why would I have a problem with Tommy.” Eddie straightens up. 

“Come on, you were terrible at hiding it, now you won’t have to anymore.” Hen says lightly. 

“Yeah, like the other night, at the bar, first you death stared at him and then you fled the scene… what was that about?” Chimney asks.  

“We were just talking about Gerrard…” Eddie says evasively. Deep, deep down the well. 

Chimney gets up and throws the content of his plate in the trash. “I have to talk to Jones about his definition of edible… You, Denny and Karen still coming over for dinner?”

“Yes, hopefully it’s the last time we have to leave without Mara.” 

Chimney smiles and walks away. 

“So, the court date is set?” Eddie asks, glad about the change of topic. 

“Yes, Thursday morning.” Hen answers. 

“Congratulations! I guess in the meantime it’s a comfort to know she’s with good people and in your reach.” Eddie smiles sadly.

“Are the calls with Chris still difficult?” 

“It’s fine. I guess he still needs time and his space.” Eddie stirs the mass on his plate. 

Hen forces a smile and looks like she wants to say something, but then stops.

Eddie looks at her inquiringly. 

“It’s not my place, and I obviously can’t speak for Chris, but Eddie, how much space are you willing to give up?”

“As much as he needs.” 

“Do you trust Chris to know how much that is? Or your parents?”

Eddie is silent for a moment. “I don’t trust myself to know.”

“If we had given Mara all the space we thought she needed when she first came to us, we would have never gotten her to trust us. Maybe you shouldn’t assume, or wait for Chris to tell you. I know how painful possible rejection is, but try to face it, because what if the next time you decide to not ask is the moment he would have opened up or told you he is ready to come home? Mst of the time kids don’t know what they need until the need is met.”

Eddie nods pensively still occupied by his food. 

“So, this giving people space thing, you’re planning to keep it up in general?”

Eddie looks up at her. 

“Buck?”

Eddie shrugs. Hen waits.

Eddie rolls his eyes, “I gave him a hard time about going ahead in the bunker after the connection was gone and we kind of got into it.”

Hen nods knowingly, “It’s been a while since I felt that… hopeless.” She continues when she sees Eddie’s questioning look, “Eddie, the stones came down on both sides. Buck and I thought we would die down there knowing we took you two down with us.”

“Oh,” Eddie pauses, “But you and Chim seem good?”

“Yeah, I talked to Karen, he talked to Maddie, I figured you would talk to Buck...”

“Yeah, I’m not the best person to talk to at the moment.”

“Nobody blames you for-“

“I do!” Eddie says harshly. “You all should, too. I created this mess, I don’t get to wine about it now.”

“Ok, you screwed up. So what?”

Eddie frowns at her surprised.

“It happened, what’s done is done, time to start fixing it and move on.”

“There is nothing I can do.”

“You could talk to people, for starters.”

“Can’t talk to Buck, not yet.”

“Yet?”

“He hasn’t told me. About Tommy.”

My money would have been on you anyway. Eddie squints the thought away forcefully. 

“So?”

“So, I have to wait.”

“What? Why?”

“Because…”

Hen just raises her eyebrows at him. Because that’s just how things work between them, but he realizes that might be another stupid thing he doesn’t feel like fishing for in the well. 

“Fine, I’ll call.” He gets up with his full plate. 

“Chris or Buck?”

Eddie sighs, “Both.”

Hen smiles pleased with herself, then makes a face at her food. 

***

Buck doesn’t answer his call and Chris hasn’t texted back. Just for a moment Eddie considers giving in to the temptation of the false sense of accomplishment elicited by trying. But Hen has a point, so he gets in his car and calls his mother on the way to Buck’s loft. 

“Eddie, what’s wrong?”

“Hi mum, everything ok with Chris? He sounded strange.”

“What? When did you talk to him?”

“I called him yesterday.” 

“Eddie. I thought we agreed to stick to the planned calls. You will just confuse him.” Her voice becomes stern. 

“Maybe there would be less confusion if you actually kept the appointments?” 

“Why do you always have to be like this? Do I have to remind you what caused this? I don’t feel like arguing right now.”

Eddie takes a deep breath.

“Me neither, I just think I should be able to call to check on my son?”

“Of course you are honey, it was just a busy day, let’s try to schedule a call in a few days, ok?”

“Ok. Let me know the time, I’ll be there.” 

He parks at the loft, goes up and rings the bell. Nothing. He thinks about using the key, decides not to, knocks again. 

“Buck? Are you there?” He waits for another moment, then turns to leave. 

Chapter Text

Buck is sitting with his back against the door listening to Eddie’s footsteps moving away. The same way the doorbell had instinctually drawn him towards the door, craving whatever distraction from his own thoughts was on the other side, the sound of Eddie’s voice suddenly repelled and paralyzed him. It hurt physically not to respond, took everything he had not to reach out. So he just sat down on the floor and waited.

He can’t let anyone in his apartment, especially not Eddie, not with Tommy’s words still hanging in the air, blasting through the speakers, broadcast on every screen, smeared on his walls in big red letters. He has to clean up first, get rid of the break-up’s residue before anybody else sees.

It’s not just the words, but the way Tommy uttered them, casually, carelessly as if he was talking about the most simple and obvious thing in the world. The words had gotten to him and corrupted every thought since. The new piece of his identity that felt exciting and meaningful is now tainted, it suddenly feels foul. Tommy dug it out and then defiled it and even worse it started to spread, infecting his relationship with Eddie, because the way Tommy talked about him was disparaging, reduced their bond to something crude and tacky. The implication of lust makes him unreasonably angry and … scared? The thought of facing Eddie with Tommy’s words still in his ear scares him, like their existence has the power to change something between them, as if Tommy spoke something menacing into existence, created an alternative truth. He has to get over that somehow before he can see Eddie. Besides, what would he even say, how could he explain?

This isn’t the outcome he had hoped for when he asked Maddie to tell Chimney about the break-up, knowing he would tell Hen and that she would talk to Bobby and then everyone would just know, so next shift he could just show up and move on. He can’t take the atmosphere of the apartment anymore, waits a few more minutes to be sure Eddie is gone and then grabs his keys and phone to leave.

***

Jee-Yun’s giggle sways over to the bench Maddie and Buck are sitting on, at the corner of the playground.

“Since when are we banned from the forest witch’s castle?” Buck frowns.

“Since Michaela decided that all grown-ups are something called…. Krowls, I think? Sent by the evil wizard,” Maddie widens her eyes and wiggles her fingers in a whimsically dramatic manner, ”they have to be kept away with protection spells.”

“Michaela?” Buck looks over to the two girls building a sand wall around the slide tower. 

“They played here together for the first time a couple of weeks ago, Jee couldn’t stop talking about her. Her family has been through some tough times, and she spends a lot of time with her uncle, who lives around here,” Maddie regards the girls, “she’s a bold little girl, Jee has gained so much confidence since she knows her.” her brown eyes gleam affectionately.

“I totally missed that. Never heard of an evil wizard. Last time we were just gathering ingredients for a spell that would help us talk to the forest animals.” Buck sulks.

“I think your collectibles are still useful, see?” Maddie points to the girls adding leaves and stones to their sand wall and shakes her head fondly at Buck’s genuine concern, “there was a lot going on the last two months.”

“Yeah…” he leans back and fiddles with his empty coffee cup.

“How are you doing?”

“Ahh, honestly, it’s fine.” Buck shrugs, “Looking forward to go back to work, you know, move on.”

“I still don’t really understand what happened? I thought you wanted to go to Malibu to figure things out?”

“Didn’t feel right.” Buck avoids her inquisitive gaze, “I just couldn’t get over the whole thing with Hen and Chim, you know, the way he talked about the people I’m close with, it just rubbed me the wrong way. Also didn’t seem like we were on the same page when it comes to kids.” he nods towards the playground.

“About kids in general or about Eddie’s son?” she asks tentatively.

“Chris? Why would you say it like that?” Buck turns to her.

She takes a deep breath, “It just seems like Eddie has played a pretty big role in that relationship.”

“Are you on Tommy’s side now?!”

“No! That’s not at all what I’m saying.” Maddie pauses and seems to choose her words carefully, “I think you might have kept him on an arm’s length from the beginning. The 118 is a very tight-knit family, it’s not necessarily easy to navigate fitting in and with you and Eddie -”

“See, that’s the thing! He just doesn’t understand the concept!” Buck exclaims.

“What do you mean?”

“Friendship, family, the 118… I don’t know.” He leans back in resignation.

Maddie smiles searchingly, “The 118 is special, not many people understand.”

“Exactly, I just need a partner who does.”

Maddie takes a breath to say something, lets it out, smiles again, “I’m sure you will. Have you talked to the others yet?”

“No.” He grimaces.

“They’re all going to be supportive.”

“I know.”

“What about Eddie?”

“What about him?”

Maddie rolls her eyes and turns away from him.

“What was that look?”

“Nothing.” She takes a long sip from her coffee.

“Wait, do you feel left out? Of the 118?” Buck asks concerned.

“Buck!” She shakes her head laughing in amazement, “stop trying to look for problems to solve, I’m just trying to get you to look at the bigger picture here.”

“There was just one thing after another, and yes, you’re right, I kept finding reasons not to spend time with Tommy and I… I don’t know, I really wanted it to work out.” He sighs.

“I get that.” Maddie nods, “You don’t have to defend your decision. I was just surprised, after our last talk you seemed pretty determined and then you just called and said that you broke up and that you wanted to be alone. It just didn’t… seem like you?”

“I was trying to follow your advice.” Buck answers her curious look with a skewed grin, “asking myself how I feel about Tommy and if I might be clinging onto the relationship for the wrong reasons. You know, trying to stop worrying what everybody else thinks.”

“And?”

“I said that I tried, not that I succeeded.” They share a smile. “No seriously, I’m just wondering what I might have missed over the years by kind of going along with everything.”

“Going along with what?”

“It’s something Bobby once said, that I’m just going with the flow.” Buck gestures to the side, “It sometimes feels like I’m floating around stranding here and there until I’m pulled into the stream again. What Bobby said was about Taylor, but I feel like that’s been the same in all my relationships. If Tommy hadn’t… made a move… things would still be the same.”

“Floating around for someone to catch you?” Maddie asks amused.

“Yeah, and then anticipating the release.” Buck shrugs. “Before Abby it was just seeking the fun, the thrill, probably the validation even if I didn’t see it at the time. Being with Abby made me realize that I was looking for connection, commitment, to belong somewhere, so after her, I was just going around looking for people offering, happy to get it anytime I could, but obviously that hasn’t worked out so well.”

“I don’t know if you should look at it that way. Every relationship has taught you something about yourself. Many people stay in bad relationships out of fear.”

He looks at her seriously and she smiles regretfully.

“I don’t think floating is necessarily a bad thing, maybe you just needed to learn when it’s ok to let the stream take you and when it’s time to swim away… or towards something.” Maddie muses.

“Sorry for the interruption, are you Buck?” Buck looks up at the mention of his name and looks into a pair of light blue eyes directed at him attentively.

“Ah, yes…?”

“I was sent by their witchnesses themselves, to inquire for your services in terms of forest animal communication.” The man attached to the eyes is tall and lean, his bright red hair flashy in the sun. “Hey Maddie, sorry, my orders were very specific.” There is a hint of an accent Buck cannot place.

“Hi Kieran, oh don’t worry, I would never dare to question the witch queens!” Maddie laughs.

Buck gets up uncertainly.

“So, is that for the mammal or the insect?” The man’s smile reveals a row of straight white teeth, almost too perfect, if it wasn’t for the lower right central incisor angled slightly forward.

“The… I mean… I guess that depends… ” Buck rips his gaze from the guy’s mouth, “depends on the spell, stones for the birds, twigs for the mammals, insects I would say leaves?” he squints.

“I meant your name.” His smile widens, now also dancing in his eyes.

“Oh,” Buck says awkwardly, “no it’s not… it’s… from my last name… or, ah, I guess a version of it.”

“Right. Buckley.” He points to Maddie and then back to Buck, “So that’s your brother?”

“Yes, I was just telling Buck about Michaela.” Maddie looks between them amused.

“I’m Michaela’s uncle. Kieran.” He holds out his slender hand, squeezing Buck’s with a perfectly calibrated shake, lingering warmly for a short moment.

Before Buck can answer, a little girl with wild dark curls and sand all over her clothes appears, “We need to talk to the owls.” She stares at Buck earnestly.

“I was on it…” Kieran turns to raise his eyebrows at the little girl playfully offended.

“You are too slow!” Michaela reprehends him.

“Ok, I can help you with the spell, but…” Buck looks around, “aren’t you worried I’m one of those, you know… Krowls?” he says conspiratorially.

“Kralls.” She corrects him and shakes her head dismissively, “No, we put worm juice in your cup, Kralls can’t drink it. Hurry up! We don’t have time!” she runs back over to Jee.

Buck smiles excitedly and attempts to walk after her, then looks down to his empty cup, “What exactly is worm juice?”

“Should we tell him?” Maddie raises her eyebrows at Kieran, who sits down next to her on the bench looking up at Buck.

“I think we should let him keep his innocence… and his stomach contents. Just remember one thing for the future, Buck, never leave your beverage unsupervised in proximity of the witch castle.”

***

“Heeey! Look who’s back!” Hen’s voice greets Buck when he arrives at the top of the stairs to the dining area of the station.

Buck feels warm at the sight of the complete 118 gathered in the kitchen, Bobby is stirring in a pot, while Chimney is chopping vegetables and Hen and Eddie are sitting at the table. Selling his smile isn’t so hard after all, although he immediately recognizes that his problem isn’t contained in his apartment like he hoped. Cleaning it from top to bottom, getting rid of any reminders of the relationship - granted it wasn’t much, an extra toothbrush and that disgusting keto sauce Tommy used to put on everything - couldn’t wash out the nausea. Tommy’s words followed him on his way here and into the station, as if they were already publicly announced, during his absence, printed on leaflets and distributed to the masses. He feels like he set out to a competition, confident of victory, and has now returned after coming in last place to do his walk of shame in front of everyone.

“Hey guys, smells great in here!” Buck stops at the counter only giving Eddie a quick glance, who is looking up at him from a magazine. “Welcome Back, Cap!” he smiles at Bobby.

“The 118 in its full glory!” Chimney spreads his arms.  

“Yeah, about that, what do you guys think about a sort of regular 118 extended family event like last week at the bar?” Buck asks.

“We see each other VERY regularly,” Hen raises her eyebrows, “you think that’s really necessary?”

“Ok, this is the first and last thing I’m gonna say about Tommy, but what I learned from that relationship is that it’s easy to feel excluded and out of the loop for the people not directly involved.” Buck says.

“True,” Chimney nods, “it can get tough to update everyone on all the things happening. Like you not wanting to talk about your love life, exciting yet kind of concerning news I’m gonna have to catch up on.”

Buck rolls his eyes but smiles.

“I like the idea as well,” Bobby says, “maybe we could start with once a month and then see how that’s going. Lunch will take a little longer today.” He gives a side glance to Chimney chopping carrots laboriously slow.

“Great! I’ll be down to do some inventory until then.” Buck turns around, he hears Hen and Chimneys’ hushed voices when he walks back down the stairs.

“Did Maddie say something?”

“Just that Tommy must have said some things that really unsettled him…”

He walks downstairs faster and turns towards the trucks.

“Hey, Buck?”

Shit. Buck stops, reluctantly turns around halfway, “I gotta, look for you know…” he motions loosely towards the trucks.

“You need help?” Eddie is standing at the foot of the stairs looking uncertain.

“No, I’m fine.” Buck turns around again.

“I’m sorry. About Tommy.”

“Yeah, that’s not necessary.” He turns back.

Eddie frowns at him.

“I mean it’s all good. I’m fine.” Buck shrugs.

“Ookaay…”

“Yeah, everything is great! Just, great!” He attempts a broad smile.

“I came by the other day…”

“I was... probably… out… running some errands.” Jesus, Buck winces at himself internally.

Eddie nods with his hands in his pockets and looks down at his right foot shuffling on the floor, then looks up and holds up his hand, “Hey, you want to go watch the game somewhere after the shift?”

“Sorry, can’t today, next time...”

“Ok, sure.”

There is an uncomfortable silence. 

 “Chris texted me back.” Eddie says, “We have a call tomorrow.”

“That’s great, Eddie.” Buck nods at him genuinely glad.

“Ok, I’ll let you do your thing…” Eddie swings his arms around uncertainly then turns to go back up.

Buck hurries to the bathroom and locks himself in one of the stalls pondering whether to throw up, silent scream or bang against the wall, conscious that none of the options will get rid of the nausea and anguish rioting inside him.
 

***


Buck is changing in the locker room, he finally made it to the end of the shift, which stretched on forever. In the corner of his eye he notices Eddie entering the room, stopping, hesitating, then walking up to his locker.

“Soo, what are you up to?” Eddie rummages in his locker.

“Hm?” Buck focuses on tying his shoelace.

“You said you couldn’t watch the game?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s just my loft is a mess, need to get some things done.”

Eddie nods, he sits down on the bench next to Buck, who jumps up and grabs his bag.

“See you tomorrow.” Buck walks towards the exit quickly.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure, what do you want to talk about?” Buck is exasperated from his own behavior, he just needs this shift to finally end and reset, try again tomorrow. 

“You know... everything that happened the last couple days?”

“I’m good, nothing to talk about here.”

“Right, because you’re fine and everything is great.” Eddie tilts his head at him.

“Exactly. See you.” He turns to walk out.

“I’m not.” Eddie’s voice is silent.

Buck closes his eyes, deflates instantly and then turns around to put down his bag and sit down next to Eddie leaving some distance. For the first time he really looks at his friend, he sits crouched over, hair hanging in his face, eyes deep-set. He looks as lost as that morning in the kitchen after the bunker and like back then, Buck wishes he could help free him from the weight pressing down, absorb the pain, just do something.

“I know the bunker was bad.” Eddie talks hastily, “I’m not great at talking about that in a way that’s not… “

“A fight?”

“I was mad.” Eddie sounds almost surprised.

“I noticed.” Buck grins weakly. 

“I didn’t.”

Buck frowns at him.

“Frank said that once, thought it was bullshit. He said I should try to notice when I’m angry and try to figure out what might be underneath that.”

“And what is it?”

“No clue, I mean half the time I don’t even realize I’m angry, only when it’s too late.”

“Would it help if I asked if you’re angry when I think you are?”

“Please don’t do that.” Eddie winces.

Their quiet laughter releases some of the tension.

“Have you considered going back to seeing Frank?” Buck asks after a moment of silence.

Eddie scoffs, “No, he doesn’t understand, if your job is sitting around talking about feelings and trauma all day it seems straightforward, but I need to be able to do my job.”

“I mean he is in a wheelchair…” Buck glances at Eddie sideways.

“You know what I mean. I suck at therapy. Besides, most of the time I know what he would say anyway: emotions need to be felt even if they’re inconvenient and when you keep pushing them down they come back up in even more inconvenient ways… and so on and so forth.” Eddie rubs his forehead.

“Ok, so let them out.” Buck gestures into the room.

Eddie looks at him doubtfully, then takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I am sad that Chris is not here, I feel ashamed that I am the reason he isn’t and I am sorry that I’m not nice to be around at the moment.” He blows out a breath.

“Better?” Buck asks.

Eddie shrugs, “Maybe a little. Look, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about stuff.”

“I don’t think that.” Buck says.

“Then what about the break-up?”

“Wait, that’s not why I didn’t tell you!” Shit.

“Then why didn’t you?”

Buck shifts on the bench, moves away even further, can’t bring himself to maintain eye contact.

“I’m just trying to figure out the relationship stuff on my own. I was hoping for some kind of sign, for someone to tell me whether I should be with Tommy or not. Can’t keep doing that, I need to find a new way to move forward.”

Eddie nods beside him, “Yeah, I get that.”

“But, hey, Chris is talking to you, that’s great news?!”

Eddie nods slowly.

“I don’t really need to clean my apartment.”

“I don’t really want to watch the game.”

“You want to go get something to eat?”

“Yes!”

Chapter Text

The room feels different without Buck in it. Eddie sits at a window table of the diner in which they always end up instead of trying new places. He already knows what he’s going to order, so there is nothing left to do but wait. Being alone in a room, being present with his thoughts is weird, just him on his own, he couldn’t say who that is. Taking away the father, the firefighter, the friend, the husband – widower –, the soldier, the brother, the son, what is left? Eddie would never go out to eat on his own in the middle of the day, seems so pointless, who would he be doing that for?

With windows and angles, entrances and exits, blind spots and failure points, rooms enclose and demarcate, establish confinement or safety, they provide context and structure, depending on what purpose you assign to them and on the people existing inside. And sometimes he feels like he doesn’t. Exist, that is, in a room, in space, the world. And when he is alone, he feels the detachment the most because then there is no distraction. Only a few things ground him, save him from that uncertain floating disconnect.

The station without Buck had been as depressing as his house is without Chris. With people in it, architecture disappears and draws you into the moment. The absence of people heightens artificiality, makes spaces feel incomplete and takes away his calm anchor, his ledger, his context, and without context there is no purpose, no reason to exist. That is what the room lacks since Buck left, context. He stares out the window, at the edge of his vision he can sense Buck coming back to the table, and looks up, follows him making his way towards the table.

“I ran into Connie on the way to the restroom, so I already ordered.”

Eddie nods.

Buck is fidgety, had gotten up as soon as they sat down on their second favorite table - Gladys was early today, it is hers when she arrives before them. His eyes dart around the room and he slides around on his chair, moving it backwards and then forward again. “So, what did I miss, any interesting calls last week?”

“No, nothing big.” Eddie tabs on the table with his fingers, “How about you? Did you come up with anything on the figuring relationship stuff out front?”

Buck scoffs. “Nope, I mean I’m still glad I met Tommy and... learned things about myself, but – ah shit… ” his fork clatters to the floor and he ducks under the table to get it back.

“Can you... ?” Eddie leans to the side and moves up his leg, so Buck can reach, but he accidentally pushes the fork further away, so Buck has to scramble for it. “Oh sorry, …”

“Yeah, thanks… got it.” Buck sits back up, face flushed red.

Eddie takes a sip from his water and Buck neatly orders his cutlery on the table.

“Great to have Bob–“ Buck starts, while, “But now Bobby–“ Eddie begins. Eddie chortles and Buck huffs out a soundless laugh.

The waitress comes to the table. “Here you go, same as usual.” She puts a plate with breakfast burritos in front of Eddie, “and pancakes – no, wait waffles – no. Pancakes!” she teases Buck, “Tim tweaked the recipe for the sauce by the way, let me know what you think.”

“Nice.” Buck smiles. “Thanks.” Eddie says. She walks away.

They eat in silence for a while, no rare occurrence, they often just come here to grab a quick bite, but today the silence feels strained. Eddie looks up several times, but Buck is focused on his pancakes.

“This sauce is amazing, need to tell Bobby about it. It really is so good to have him back.”

Eddie nods, “Good to have you back, as well.”

Buck’s eyes flicker up at him shortly and his smile is hushed then he goes back to painting patterns in the remaining sauce on the plate with his fork.

“Hey, at the last basketball game, Serrano from the 122 talked about some bar they go to, could be nice for the regular meeting thing you suggested?”

“Yeah, sure!”

Eddie nods, looks out the window again.

“So, how is Chris doing?”

“I can’t tell. He picks up when I call, and he texts back more often now, maybe it’s just because I’m not used to communicating with him this way, but it feels like something is off.”

“Have you talked to your parents about it?”

“Yeah, they’re not really helpful. I’m not sure what to do. But I need to do something.”

“Getting him to come back?”

“Can’t just get him, he wanted to leave. If anything, I’m the one who’s gonna have to do the moving.” Eddie stares into the distance.

“Like… moving to Texas?”

Eddie shakes his head, “Maybe.” The thought of moving to Texas is new, he didn’t even know it lurked in his mind before Buck uttered the words. What would that even look like, he can’t move in with Chris and his parents and his life is here. What life? “I’m losing my family, who I am, and I don’t know how to stop that from happening.”

***

Eddie rubs his burning eyes. Sweat, dust and smoke particles have formed a messy layer on his skin. He blinks rapidly, but still he can’t find the face he is searching for between the various helmets and turnout coats gathered in front of the building complex.

“Where is Buck?” he walks towards Hen closing the door of an ambulance. 

“I thought he was with you?” she knits her brows, tapping the door to signal the driver to leave.

“Daniels and I cleared the last room, Buck said he was gonna go back out.”

Hen looks around.

“Buck, where are you?” Eddie grabs the radio tightly, no answer.

“Cap?” Hen calls for Bobby.

“Buckley, come in!” Bobby says into the radio, walking towards the building.

Eddie pulls at the collar of his turnouts, his heart fiercely pounding in protest, his eyes still searching, they fall on a young man in civilian clothes and a fire helmet in his hand.

“Hey!” he walks up to him, grabbing the helmet, sees its Buck’s, “where did you get this?!”

“A firefighter gave it to me.”

“Where is he?”

“He went inside, I told him my friend is still in there. We were on the roof, when it started collapsing, he promised he would get him.”

“When was this?!”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you –“

“Eddie.” Chimney grabs bis shoulder. “Over there.” he points to a tent where Buck is handing over someone to the paramedics.

“Buck!” Eddie stomps over and grabs Buck’s radio which is clearly working, “What the hell?!”

Buck returns a heated look and pushes Eddie’s hand away, “I’ve got to get used to doing things on my own, don’t I?!”, he pushes past him and walks off towards the engine. “Had my hands full, was about to answer.” he mumbles as he passes Bobby, who eyes him gravely.

***

Rooms feel different with Buck in them. The woman moves closer, touching Buck’s arm, his eyes are fixed on hers’.

“Eddie?”

“Huh?”

“This was your suggestion?” Hen shouts against the loud music and gestures around them.

“Serrano from the 122 said this is where they sometimes go after shift.” Eddie shouts back.

“Serrano?!” Hen opens her eyes wide.

“He’s half our age, practically a teenager!” Chimney complains.

“He’s maybe mid-twenties…” Eddie pulls up his shoulders.

“Great, now I feel really old.” Hen fiddles with the straw trapped in the decorations of her drink to take a sip, “God, that is strong…”

“I like it here!” Karen moves to the beat and hands out a round of shots to everyone, “Come on, let’s go dance.”

“Shouldn’t we wait until everyone is here?” Eddie grimaces and rinses the sharp taste of the shot out with beer.  

“Athena and Bobby aren’t coming, they are at a dinner party, like adults…” Hen gives Eddie a pointed look.

“Maddie was held up dropping off Jee,” Chimney looks up from his phone, “apparently Michaela’s pajama parties are legendary. Doesn’t sound like she is still coming.” He frowns. “Ravi and Buck are already in there somewhere…”

“…mingling…” Eddie glares contemptuously in the direction of the dancefloor, where Ravi is dancing with some members of the 122 and Buck is still flirting with the dark-haired woman.

“Wow, that’s conquest number what, three, this week?” Chimney raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.

“Four.” Eddie presses out, barely opening his mouth, nodding to the bartender for another bottle.  

“What do we even call this, Buck 0.1?” Hen wonders.

“Oh come on, let him live a little.” Karen chides them warmly.

“If it was just that,” Hen’s look turns more serious, “but he’s back to his old ways on the job as well.”

“The jump yesterday?!” Chim concurs.

Buck is leaning in close to the woman’s ear, she throws her head back laughing. As if anything Buck ever says is that funny, Eddie turns back to the group finding all eyes on him expectantly.

“What?”

“You are very quiet on this, now and in general.” Hen puts him on the spot.

“Hard to talk in here, too loud.” He takes a sip of his beer and turns back to the dance floor. Buck doesn’t look over to them once. He is lost in the thumping beat, the alcohol and the moving bodies, which wouldn’t be a problem, if it hadn’t happened as often as it did in the last four weeks. And if he wouldn’t bring that attitude to work, which Eddie suspects to be the real reason for their Captain’s absence, who yesterday threatened to suspend Buck if he keeps it up. It doesn’t look like the fun kind of lost, going out and letting loose either, more like the detaching from reality and forgetting who you are kind of lost. The one Eddie never lets himself drop into.  

He gets close to that state, sure, last time at Chim’s bachelor party, but like right now, he always recognizes the stage at which his eyes get too heavy, his limbs too soft and his tongue dangerously loose. Time to put down the bottle, decline the shots, switch to water or go home. So he leans back and focuses on his new purpose, looking out for Buck, who is way past the point Eddie always stops at. He turns away when the woman presses her moving body against Buck’s.

“Need some air.” He says to no one in particular, but Hen nods at him.

“I’ll join.” She waves at Karen on the dance floor.

They sit down on a bench outside in the smoking area. Eddie’s head is spinning.

“Can’t believe the air out here is better than in there,” Hen says waving the cigarette smoke away, “I should be on my couch right now.”

“Sorry, should have checked before suggesting this.” He closes his eyes but opens them immediately when the spinning gets worse.

“No, it’s alright. Karen is having fun, I think she really needed a night out like this.”

“Everything good with Mara?”

“Yes, all good, it’s actually like she never left, but after everything, it’s good to let off some steam, this is just not my preferred way of doing that.”

Eddie nods. “Doesn’t seem like it’s working for Buck either. It’s been almost a month, they didn’t even date that long.”

“You think it’s because of Tommy?”

“I think Tommy is an asshole, but Buck says he’s fine, so what am I supposed to do.”

“So much for not having a problem with Tommy… please don’t feel like you have to hold back on my behalf..." Hen goads him.

“I think I might have been on a date with Tommy.” There it was, the loose tongue.

“What?!” Hen almost drops her glass.

“Not intentionally, from my side anyway.”

“I ask again, what?!”

“Before he and Buck started dating. When he took me to Vegas.”

“Eddie,” Hen rolls her eyes, “don’t be that guy, a gay dude can hang out with you without wanting to sleep with you.”

My money would have been on you anyway.

“Except he didn’t think I was.”

“What?”

“Straight.”

“Huh, I didn’t –”

“Messed up, right? He said to me ‘Evan,’” he imitates Tommy’s snarky tone, “ – whoever that is by the way, it’s weird he insisted on calling him that – “ he throws his hands up, “anyway, he said Buck wasn’t what he usually goes for and wasn’t ‘on his radar’ at first.” He uses air quotes and sways his head, then points towards himself. 

Hen follows his sloppy gestures with her eyes, “When was this?”

“The evening Bobby told us that Gerrard is out and he’s coming back.” Eddie leans back defeated.

“Wow,” Hen stares on the ground, then looks up at Eddie, “So what, Buck was some sort of consolation price?”

Eddie shakes his head, “He was probably just messing with me.”

“What an idiot. Although I can imagine it would be frustrating. Still, what an idiot, good riddance.”

“Wait, imagine what?” he turns to her, “and,” he holds up his index finger “what do you mean ‘Huh.’?” He frowns at her intensely.

“You and Buck? Come on, you’ve got to see how that would be tough for a partner.”

Eddie inhales deeply but before he can start his answer, Hen gets up.

“You know what, no, I’m not doing this with you tonight. Let’s go back in.”

Eddie maintains position at the bar until the others have long left. Buck’s steps are getting more uncoordinated, he seems dazed, his eyes are unfocused. It’s getting late and the music becomes more monotone, the room starts to empty, wait, where is Buck? His eyes dart around the room until he catches a glimpse of curls and a black shirt at the back end of the club and follows. He finds Buck outside the club, bracing with his arm facing against the wall.

“You ok?”

Buck has his eyes closed, shakes his head, “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“I’m calling an uber.” Eddie pulls out his phone. When he ends the call and turns back to Buck, he sees him stumbling.

“Woah, careful.” He tries to grab him, but Buck is already on his way down, so he just sits down beside him on the sidewalk.

Buck has his legs drawn up, elbows propped on his knees and his forehead resting on the back of his hands, eyes still closed.

“Screw Tommy, you’re better off without him anyway!” Eddie crosses his arms and stares ahead shaking his head in anger.

“Tommy?” Buck turns his head to look around alarmed.

“He is not here, not physically at least.”

Buck puts his head back down against his hands.

“Break-ups suck, fine, but you need to stop!”

“Stop what?” Buck doesn’t move.

“Whatever it is you’re doing right now, sleeping around, being reckless on the job!” Eddie lowers his voice when he sees Buck squeezing his eyes shut tighter. “It’s not worth it. He is not worth it. You’ve known the guy for what, three months?!”

Buck just groans and crouches down lower. Eddie knows that this is not the right moment to talk this out, but every time he tried the last weeks, Buck brushed him off, left him standing and right now he can’t escape.

“I thought we were over the whole being expandable thing.” Eddie says quietly.

Buck looks up at him now. “I’m losing my family too, you know. When you move to Texas.” He grimaces, bends over and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

The uber arrives.

“You need a few more minutes?” Eddie watches him carefully, sees the driver throw plastic bags on the backseat.

Buck shakes his head slightly. Eddie attempts to help him get up and into the car, but Buck wards off his helping hands, scrambles up and into the car. Throughout the drive Eddie keeps glancing over, Buck has his eyes closed and takes controlled breaths.

Eddie can’t fall asleep that night, the spinning still speeds up every time he closes his eyes. He hadn’t thought about moving to Texas until Buck brought it up again, feels guilty, because what does it say about him that he is not doing everything in his power to be with his son?

Don’t drag him down with you, Eddie.

He moved to L.A. for a reason, to be close to Shannon, but also to be far from his parents. Moving back would mean losing his structure, his context. No, he can’t go to Texas. The same way he can’t admit that the crack in the tablet isn’t there because he was upset about the missed call. It is there because part of him is relieved every time he doesn’t have to face his son’s disapproval, doesn’t have to stare at the distance that has built between them. He should tell Buck. Rooms feel different with Buck in them.

Chapter Text

Buck is dying. Well, he wishes he was dead, because he imagines that state to be more merciful than what he is experiencing right now. Every cell in his body is telling him he screwed up, big time. This is what it must feel like to be a hundred years old, or to be beaten up by a herd of angry monkeys. He remembers an article about what chimpanzees can do to the human body, his stomach turns and he retches, sits up, big mistake. His surrounding seems unstable, like he’s inside a card box that someone is shaking to guess what’s in it. Where is he? He carefully opens his eyes and sees it’s his bedroom, there is a bucket next to his bed and a glass of water on the nightstand, he gulps it down in one go and takes a deep breath.

He looks down, he’s in his boxers and his favorite black night-out-shirt, which reeks like smoke, alcohol and sweat. Right, he was in a club and… oh, it was the 118 evening, ok. Well, not ok, why would he get black-out drunk on an evening like that? He can’t decide what’s going to be worse next shift, Bobby’s tone, drenched in the poignant mix of disappointment and suppressed anger unique to the 118’s Captain, or Chim and Hen’s relentless determination to remind him of his embarrassing behavior, not that he remembers much right now, but given his current state, the probability of having done something embarrassing is very high. On top of that Eddie is going to give him that look. The one he’s been wearing for the past couple of weeks. Buck doesn’t know what to do with it, can’t tell if it’s distrust or annoyance, or both. Either way, it says; what the hell are you doing?

And that’s the point, right? What were you thinking, Buck? We talked about this, Buck. I thought we were past this, Buck! A part of him is asking the same questions, because that part knows exactly what he is doing, why he is doing it, and still, he can’t help it. Everything is moving too fast and he can’t catch up. Something takes over, something searching, craving, demanding and it is never satisfied, no matter how spectacular the safe, how energetic the club, or how good the sex, he is always left with that empty feeling, a cup that is never filled, a whole that cannot be closed. Rationally he knows all this, but then there is this small moment of relief in every impulsive action, even if regret follows immediately after.

He waits another moment, then he gets up to go to the bathroom, stumbles over his trousers on the floor, pulls out his phone, the battery is dead, so he plugs it in. He holds onto the sink and avoids his mirror image. Some pieces from the night return. Sitting in a car. Sitting in a car with… Eddie. That would explain how he got to this apartment, he remembers crawling up the stairs more than walking them now, after pushing Eddie away, telling him to leave him alone, great. Buck rubs his eyes, drags himself to the shower.

He spends the day on the couch watching baking shows and nature documentaries, eating everything in his kitchen that doesn’t require cooking, until he remembers his phone, he goes to check it, deletes the dating app notifications, sees a missed call from Maddie, and some new messages, opens the one from Maddie:

   Heard the 118 meet-up yesterday was pretty wild, hope you got home safe?

 He calls her.

“Buck! Are you ok?!”

“Ouch, yes.” Buck holds the phone away from his ear, lowers the volume, “I got up.” His voice is croaky, he clears his throat.

“It’s for 4 pm. I was about to organize a search party! When did you get home?”

“Not sure. I just wanted to let you know I’m ok…”

“Good. Sorry I wasn’t there, by the way. I’m just… laying off the alcohol at the moment... but I’ll be there next time!”

“It’s fine, it wasn’t really what I had in mind anyway.” He sinks deeper into the couch.

“Oh, ok, Chim seemed kind of upset I didn’t show up. But this way I could gather some brand-new gossip from the witch court, and, I have an amazing recipe for lemon-poppy energy balls for you!”

“Great, ah, can we talk another time? My head is killing me.”

“So Chimney wasn’t exaggerating?”

“Don’t listen to Chimney. I’m just not used to drinking, that’s all.”

“Ok. Do you want to come over for dinner?”

“No, I don’t really feel like eating, I’ll just go to bed early…”

“Fine, I’ll let you recover.” Buck can hear the concern in her voice.

“Bye.” Buck ends the call, feels even more miserable now, opens the message from Karen.

Karen: The 118 family event was a great idea! [Link] This is the place I was telling you about! Let me know when you’re up for some considering 😉

He frowns, he remembers dancing with Karen and talking to her vaguely, but this seems like she is referring to something specific, he opens the link, it’s a website in neon colors of a bar in West Hollywood – oh no if he doesn’t remember everything, maybe… he looks through his messages and call list but thankfully there are no drunk texts or calls to Tommy. Relieved he throws his phone away.

He winces and puts a pillow over his face, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from whirling around in his head stirred up by the memory of his last conversation with Tommy. Sure, if he thinks about it, his relationship with Eddie – Eddie – is special. He is proud to be his friend and happy whenever he is able to be there for him and Chris. So, yes, Eddie has always been his own category, untouchable, but Tommy touched it. He never questioned what they have before. So why the hell start now?! Tommy does not deserve the satisfaction, he just doesn’t understand it and that’s why he said what he said, it’s not his problem, that Tommy doesn’t understand real friendship, that’s it! He’s done letting Tommy dictate the way he deals with his relationships, he can just decide that and move on!

The doorbell rings. His body still aches, but he goes to the door with a swing in his steps upon his new resolution, which immediately falls flat when he opens the door and finds Eddie in front of it, eyeing him up and down, of course with that look. Is it disgust?

“Ah, hey!” Buck’s throat still feels soar.

“Hey, you lost your wallet in the car last night, the driver messaged me.” Eddie holds up Buck’s wallet.

“Oh, didn’t even notice it was missing yet.” Buck takes it and checks the content, “seems like everything is there. Thanks.”

Eddie nods, “Great, 5-star rating then, I guess.”

“Oh, hey, sorry, what do I owe you? I mean for the drive and now, getting the wallet…”

“Yeah, right.” Eddie snorts, “How are you?”

“Worst hangover ever,” Buck smiles weakly, “but I’ll be fine.”

Eddie nods again, “ok, well…” he shrugs, “see you tomorrow,” he waits for a moment then turns to leave.

Buck can feel the moment expanding, feels like he should do something, but decides tomorrow is as good a day as any to stop the awkwardness and fix things, he’ll be fresh, and fine and great… starting tomorrow.

“Do I need to worry?”

Buck looks up surprised to find Eddie still standing in the hallway. There is that look again, so what, it’s pity?

“Ah, do you want to come in for … a water?” he asks stiffly, “I mean I’m sure I probably also have some tea or juice or something, anything but beer, er, I mean if you want one –”

“Water sounds great.” Eddie smirks.

Eddie doesn’t say anything about the end of last night and Buck is afraid to ask.
They talk about choosing something quieter for the next 118 get-together, they don’t talk about Buck arriving restless and overly animated, already a few drinks ahead. They talk about the DJ refusing to take any wishes, they don’t talk about the dark-haired woman, whose number Buck found in his phone as ‘Vicky nice freckles’. They talk about the variety of weirdly named shots offered at the bar, they don’t talk about how Eddie found Buck outside, almost puking. They talk about the weird angry dude obsessed with diving for some reason, getting into their faces with his beer breath, they don’t talk about sitting side by side on the sidewalk waiting for the uber and in the taxi on the way home. They talk about the crazy stories uber drivers must be able to tell, Buck doesn’t talk about how much the thought of Eddie moving to Texas scares him.
They talk about everything that happened, they don’t talk about anything that matters.

***

The next shift is even worse as expected, because everybody just seems to have decided to not talk about the failed 118 evening out and to dance around him awkwardly. Just as he is about to ask them to just get it over with, so they can move on, the bell rings.

“Buck, you hang back.” Bobby looks at him sternly.

Buck nods and accepts his fate without protest, instead he starts preparing lunch and deep cleans the whole kitchen. He is about to start sweeping the floor downstairs, when they return from the call. The fire truck is covered in mud, so is his team getting out of it.

“Mud slide…” Eddie walks towards Buck, moving stiffly in his sludgy turnouts.

“Of course you got to sit this one out…” Hen scowls at Buck when she walks past him.

“I’ll get started on cleaning the engine.” Buck does his best to look as little amused as possible and shrugs conciliatory, “Lunch is on the stove. Mango Curry with sweet potato.”

“Nice!” Chimney claps his shoulder.

“Hey, Cap, can I talk to you?” Buck approaches Bobby while the rest of the team attempts to take off their muddy gear.

“Buck, I hope you do realize that I’m benching you for your own good, right?” Bobby holds up his hands, his voice as rigid as his face.

“Yeah, so I don’t put myself or the team in danger, but Cap – “

“Mostly, so I don’t have to fire you!” Bobby’s voice gets louder with every sentence, “because somehow, you’re incredibly lucky and it always works out, until it doesn’t! And we’ve been over this so many times, that I don’t know how to make you understand!”

“Bobby, I understand.” Buck says calmly.

“Do you?” Bobby asks, “because whenever I tried talking to you the past weeks – “

“Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry. That’s all I wanted to tell you, I’m working on it.”

Bobby is speechless for a moment. “How?” his voice trembles, “because now with the alcohol involved…”

Buck is horrified to see Bobby struggle with the last part of his sentence, “No! Seriously, don’t worry, I am not developing an alcohol problem, I promise!”

Bobby nods slowly and his eyes dance around in observation.  

“I’m just working through some stuff right now, which will probably take a while, but I’ll try my best not to bring that to work. And I’m definitely not gonna use alcohol to deal with it, my body won’t let me anyway.” He grimaces and holds his stomach.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Bobby’s face softens, “You’ll have to put those words into action though, before I can fully trust you again.”

“Sure, but I mean, how am I supposed to prove that, if you don’t take me out on calls with you?” Buck scrunches his nose.

“Ok, don’t push it.” Bobby says with a suppressed smile. “And Buck.” He holds his gaze for a moment, “the next time it becomes a problem, come talk to me?”

“I promise.” He nods at Bobby earnestly.

The truck is a mess. Buck hosed it down with water and is scraping away the last stubborn residue when Eddie joins him with a brush and a cleaning rag. Buck can feel Eddie looking over a few times, but he can’t bear the look right now, it seems so definitive, makes him feel like a lost cause. Buck from the other night may deserve that look, but that version has nothing to do with him today, new and improved Buck.

“You talked to Bobby?” Eddie wrings out his cloth.

“Ah, yes. Not sure when he’ll let me off the hook though.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t worry, the curry was fantastic! If that doesn’t change his mind, I don’t know what will.”

Buck smiles, dares to turn and catches Eddie hiding the look behind a quick smile then turning towards the truck again. What is this, has he just given up on him? He’ll just leave to go to Texas, glad he doesn’t have to deal with Buck’s mess? Fine, whatever, he doesn’t need –

“Shit.” Buck curses when the content of the bucket he just kicked over pours out over the floor.

“I got it.” Eddie gets a towel.

Buck takes a deep breath and leans against the truck for a moment, “Hangovers over 30 are no joke.” he rubs his face.

“Yeah.” Eddie laughs, drying up the puddle.

“Any news from Chris?” Buck asks when they wash out the cleaning rags.

Eddie shakes his head, “he’s gone quiet on me again, my mother says they have a lot going on, so...”

“What are you gonna do?” Buck’s stomach sinks.

“I don’t know.”

“You said you were thinking about moving…” Buck rubs the material of the cloth harshly under the cold water.

“I can’t go to Texas.”

Buck stops and turns towards him.

“Maybe… being with me… is not the best for him.“ Eddie utters the words slowly, watching the dirty water go down the drain.

“What are you talking about?” Buck turns the water off.

“Maybe I was wrong the whole time. I mean he celebrated his birthday and didn’t want me there. Maybe it is better for him to be in Texas with his grandparents, and I was just selfish to take him with me and now he has realized that.” Eddie looks up at him bitterly.

“That is not true!” Buck takes a step towards him, “Eddie, you once told me that letting your kids down sometimes is inevitable. Come on, don’t stand in your own way of letting Chris know that he belongs with you. I don’t know if that’s in Texas or here, but it sure as hell is together!”

The bell rings again. Hen, Chimney and Bobby hurry downstairs.

“Damn it, so close to the end of shift…” Chimney complaints.

“Are you done with the engine?” Bobby asks.

“Yes, Cap, great opportunity to take care of the floor, while you’re out.” Buck sighs.

Bobby nods at him with a little smile.

Buck watches the truck leave the station and grabs a broom. He unenthusiastically starts sweeping the floor, when his phone buzzes.

“Chris?!”

“Buck? I need your help.”

Chapter Text

Eddie could have told the uber driver to drop-off the wallet at Buck’s address, or just texted Buck that he has it, bring it with him next shift. But he doesn’t.

Buck doesn’t ask him about the end of last night, so Eddie doesn’t bring it up. They talk about choosing something more appropriate for the next 118 event, they don’t talk about Eddie being uncomfortable and in a bad mood for the whole night. They talk about the DJ being terrible, they don’t talk about the woman Buck was dancing with and Eddie doesn’t tell him she had no freckles. They talk about the strong drinks, they don’t talk about the moment Buck stumbled drunkenly, and Eddie caught him, kept his arm around Buck long after he was back on his feet. They talk about Santos from the diving team claiming that a “a bad diver is still a great firefighter”, they don’t talk about sitting close waiting for the uber, and later in the car, shoulders and knees touching. They talk about how rough it must be for the drivers to deal with drunk people late in the night, Eddie doesn’t talk about how glad he is that Tommy is gone and that he wishes Buck could be glad, too.

They talk about everything that happened, they don’t talk about anything that matters.

***

I can’t go to Texas. I can’t go to Texas. I can’t go to Texas. The words have become a mantra, bouncing around in his mind. He thought saying them out loud might help, but that was a mistake. They have only become louder, more intense. With the same momentum, the fire truck is rushing towards the scene.  

“That’s the seventh time in three months.” Hen says.

“They really need to upgrade their alarm system.” Chimney shakes his head.

“Fairview again?” Eddie asks.

“Yes,” Bobby turns around to look at them, “but with a lack of funds, an overly active alarm system is still better than an underactive one.”

“Aw, look at that. Mara and Jee made friendship bracelets!” Hen smiles and shows Chimney a photo on her phone. “Is it bad that I’m glad I’m working today and Karen is the one that has to sort all the little pearls and trinkets back in their packages?”

“Wait, wasn’t Maddie supposed to pick up the kids? I thought they’d be at our house this afternoon?” Chimney wonders.

Hen shrugs, “Karen said Maddie had a last-minute appointment and asked her if she could pick them up.”

“When?!” Chimney looks irritated.

“I don’t know. Why, something wrong?”

“No.” Chimney crosses his arms.

“We’re here.” Bobby announces. 

They get out of the truck in front of a retirement home and the manager walks towards them with her arms outstretched.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, guys!”

“Where is the fire, Olivia?” Chimney grins at her.

“Hopefully nowhere. The good thing is with the frequency of alarms, we have gotten pretty damn efficient at evacuating, some of our more active residents have started competitions on who can reach the assembly point the fastest.”

“Makes our job easy,” Bobby says lightly, “Hen, let’s go check on everyone. Chim, Eddie you got the alarm system?”

“On it, Cap.” Chim nods.

Bobby and Hen proceed to check on the senior citizens at the assembly point, while Chimney and Eddie enter the building. They make sure all the rooms are clear on their way to the technical hub.

“Alright,” Chimney opens the panel and starts pressing buttons, “5 to 10 until the reset is done and we can get the system back up.”

Eddie leans against the wall.

“Wow, mud slide to retirement home, pretty steep slope today, huh?” Chimney positions himself at the opposite wall of the narrow hallway.

Eddie nods slowly staring into space.

“Great, now I don’t only feel like talking to the walls at home, it’s happening at work too. Starting to think I’m the problem.” Chimney pulls up his shoulders and lets his hands fall to his sides in exasperation.

“I can’t go to Texas,” the words just fall out of his mouth, “I’ve been thinking about going, maybe even moving, for Chris.” He adds when he sees Chimney’s confused look.

“Oh,” Chimney leans back, “why can’t you?”

“Chris doesn’t want me there.”

“Does he want to be there?”

“It’s different for him, my parents adore him, they do everything for him, he’s got everything he needs there.”

“Ah,” Chimney shifts and smiles in bitter understanding, “the grandparent treatment, nice chance to make up for past mistakes, great bonus for a grandchild, and a kick in the butt for the parent in between. Look, when I saw the way my father was with Jee, I was very happy for her, but it also really hurt me.”

“That’s not what this is about.”

“Really? Because the way I see it, they support Chris and that’s great, but what about you?”

“I screwed up.”

“And that makes you ineligible for love and support from your parents?” Chimney asks with an ironic smile.

“I really scared him, hurt him. That’s my responsibility.”

“Kids learn that their parents are human sooner or later and it hurts on both sides, you can’t protect Chris from that. But I can tell you, the one thing that really causes irreparable damage is the belief that your parent has given up on you.”

“I would never give up on him! He decided to leave and he doesn’t want to come back.”

“I didn’t want to go back home, my father not coming for me still hurt, every day.”

Eddie shakes his head, “I need to get my shit together first.”

“I don’t know, Eddie,” Chimney looks up in the air, “you keep saying you need to fix yourself, but I don’t think you are broken. I think you are hurt, both of you are, and in order to heal, at some point you have to rip the band aid off, examine the wound, put some ointment on and then just see how it goes from there.”

Eddie pulls at a thread on his sleeve.

“Can’t believe I’m the one telling you this, but you need to stop overthinking it. You already know what to do, just do it.”

Eddie looks up at Chimney, as if it’s that easy. Is it that easy? Book a plane ticket, fly to Texas, get Chris, come home. Easy.

The alarms system beeps. Chimney breaks away from the wall, pushes a few more buttons and closes the panel, “all set,” he turns and smiles at Eddie reassuringly, “go get your son back.”

***

On the way back to the station, Eddie searches for flights to Texas on his phone, he has a plan. He is just going to show up without an announcement, wants to reserve his energy and attitude for talking to Chris and his parents without wasting it on justifications over the phone with his mother. At the station he looks around searchingly and almost runs into Ravi on his way to the locker room.

“Hey, Eddie!”

“Hey, have you seen Buck?”

“He left about an hour ago.”

Eddie frowns, the shift is almost over, but especially now, when he is trying to get back in Bobby’s good graces it’s not like Buck to take off early.

His phone buzzes.

“Buck?” he asks warily.

“Eddie, are you back at the station, yet?”

“Yeees… where are you?”

“I’m… at the pier. Can you come?”

“What is going on?”

“Chris is here.”

“Here, where?”

“With me. At the pier. Look, it’s better to explain in person. Drive safely?”

Eddie changes in record time, even for a firefighter. At the pier he parks next to Buck’s truck, searches the area, sees Buck sitting in the sand. Next to him: Chris. Bucks notices him and gets up to walk towards him.

“He called, while you were out on the call,” Buck has his hands in his pockets, shoulders pulled high,“ asked me to pick him up at the airport.” He turns back to look at Chris.

“Airport? What…” Eddie shakes his head in confusion. He can’t trust his eyes to confirm that it’s really Chris sitting in the sand, suddenly meters instead of hundreds of miles away from him.

“I think it’s better if he explains it to you himself. I’ll put his stuff in your truck.” Buck smiles at him uncertainly. The chaotic energy built up since hearing the news dissipates, he watches Buck take a suitcase and a backpack out of his truck and put it in his. He turns to Chris and slowly walks over.

Chris is sitting with his back to him, facing the water letting hands full of sand run through his fingers.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Chris doesn’t look at him.

“You’re… here.” Eddie scratches his head, his thoughts still not caught up to the situation.

“Yes.” Chris takes another handful of sand.

“To stay? I mean here, with me?”

Chris nods, still doesn’t look at him. “Can we get pizza from Francesco’s for dinner?”

“Wh—” Eddie shakes his head again, “Chris, I don’t even know where to start. Abuela and Abuelo just put you on a plane, you flew here and then you called Buck?” he looks at Chris from the side, but his son’s face doesn’t give anything away.

“I took Abuela’s credit card and booked a flight. Then I asked aunt Adriana to drive me to the airport and help with the check-in and my stuff.” He says matter-of-factly.

“Why didn’t you call me?! I would have come for you any time! You know that! You know that right?”

Chris shrugs.

“Wait, so they don’t know you’re here?”

Chris shakes his head and digs a hole in the sand.

“So, you ran away? Chris, they will be out of their minds!”

“I left a note, also I’m supposed to be on a field trip today, so they won’t notice I’m gone until the evening.”

Eddie has to process, he sits down next to Chris in the sand.

“What made you change your mind?” he asks quietly.

Chris shrugs, “I missed the beach, and my friends, and Francesco’s pizza.”

Eddie can’t help but smile. “I’m very happy you are here.” He studies him, tries to figure out what is going on in his head. Chris is concentrated on filling the hole he just dug.

“I’m very sorry about what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We don’t have to right now, but we need to at some point.”

“Can we eat first? I’m starving.”

“Sure.” Eddie takes a deep breath, “How long do we have until they notice you’re gone?”

“Around 7.”

Eddie scoffs and shakes his head, “ok, let’s go.” He takes Chris’s crutches and Chris gets up.

“Can I hug you?”

Chris rolls his eyes, “Fine.”

Eddie closes his son in his arms.

***

Driving to work after dropping off Chris at school the next morning feels strange. After coming home the day before, they had pizza and some forced conversation, until Eddie told Chris about the bunker, on which Chris had a million questions as well as an astounding amount of detailed knowledge that would have actually really helped them on the call.

He walks into the fire station and is greeted by Buck looking at him uncertainly.

“Ah, hey, how– “

Eddie can feel the air getting knocked out of Buck’s lungs, when he darts toward him to pull him into a tight hug.

“Woah, do I get one of those?” Chim jokes.

“Sure, why not.” Eddie goes to give Chimney a big hug, too.

“What’s going on? Hen joins them.

“Chris is back home!” Eddie smiles, gives a thankful side-glance to Chimney, who returns it happily.

“Finally!” Hen smiles, “what does Buck have to do with that?”

“I picked him up at the airport, he couldn’t reach Eddie, cause you guys were out.” Buck adds quickly.

“Alright, great day for maintenance and inventory, don’t you think?” Bobby grins and pats Eddie on the shoulder.

It’s a slow day, so they take their time with Bobby’s chores when he retrieves to his office. Buck and Eddie check the hoses for damage and Eddie can feel the initial excitement about Chris’ return starting to dim, the feeling of dread returns, of course, Eddie was wondering where it went.

“He didn’t call me.” Eddie says.

“Ah… yeah, I know.” Buck squints.

Eddie looks up.

“I think he was just being stubborn. I’m sure he knew that I would call you right away! Important thing is he wanted come home, maybe was just… too proud to call you directly?”

Eddie nods unconvinced.

“Did he settle in ok?”

“Yeah, we pretty much went to back to how things were before.” Eddie shrugs.

“And your parents?”

“They are not happy, but what are they gonna do.”

“Must be kind of satisfying, though?” Buck smiles.

Eddie suppresses a grin, “Maybe a little, I mean, I was shocked, but also, proud of how confident and resourceful he was? He decided that he wanted to come back, so he just did. Meanwhile I was wobbling around for weeks deciding what to do. I feel like an idiot.”

“Ah come on, you needed some time, it was just a couple months, like an extended vacation.”

“Mh.” Eddie labels one of the hoses as insufficient, “Do, you want to come over for dinner?”

“To cook or to eat?” Buck grins.

“Both?” Eddie squints one eye shut and grimaces. “I’m gonna have to be creative to substitute for my parents pampering him.”

“I don’t think that is important in comparison.”

“To what?”

Buck looks at him intently, “What exactly did Chris tell you? About why he left?”

“That he missed home, his friends…, didn’t get much out of him yesterday, didn’t want to pressure him. Did he say something to you?” Eddie looks up at Buck.

“Ahm, no, not directly…” Buck still looks serious, “I don’t know… I just think you two should talk, alone.”  

***

“… just send it over via mail then, alright? Look you are welcome to come visit anytime to see for yourself…. Yeah… ok, bye, mum.” Eddie ends the call and takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” Chris looks at him over the rim of his glasses.

“Don’t worry, you know how she is, she’ll be mad for a while and then everything will be fine.” Eddie attempts a soothing smile.

“I shouldn’t have called them.”

Eddie sits down at the table beside him. “No, Chris, you were confused and mad, it was fine to call them.”

Chris scribbles in his notebook, “Do you think mum is mad at us?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I miss her, but sometimes I don’t think about her and then it’s like she never existed.”

Eddie swallows. “She wouldn’t have wanted for us to be sad and not move on.”

“How can you know?”

Eddie thinks for a while.

“You’re right, we can’t know for sure.” He smiles uncertainly, “I feel guilty sometimes too. It’s not… fair that she is not here anymore, to her and to us. She did that too you know?” he smiles and nods at Chris’ scribbled notebook, “she said it helped her concentrate.”

Chris looks up, “what would she think about me, now?”

“She would be so proud of who you are becoming. And really impressed how confident you are, flying back here on your own…”

Chris smiles. Eddie leans forward.

“You did nothing wrong, I did. I shouldn’t have let you go to El Passo. I wanted you to know that I care about what you want and that you can make your own decisions. I let you go, because it is what I would have wanted if I was you. But you know, you can just be mad at me here, or maybe next time we can settle on going to another place in L.A. when you need some space?

Chris nods, starts to say something, then stops himself.

“Is there something else you want to talk about?”

“No, all good.” Automation instead of sincerity.

Chapter Text

“I definitely think Edgar is messing with the alarm system on purpose because he loves the thrill of the race!” Buck declares.

“Oh, my bet is on Barbara, I think she has a crush on Bobby.” Hen counters.

“Found it!” Karen joins them in the kitchen holding up a stuffed animal.

“Great, thanks!” Buck catches the elephant Karen throws over to him.

“Coffee?” Hen asks.

“Sure.” Buck sits down at the table opposite Hen.

“I got it.” Karen grabs a mug from the cabinet.

“By the way,” Hen points at the elephant and turns to Karen, “did Maddie tell you why she couldn’t pick up the kids the other day?”

“Just that she had an appointment.” Karen shrugs.

“Huh,” Hen says, “Chim seemed worried about it.” she adds when she sees Buck’s questioning look.

“Sounds like the retirement home is not the only one with an overly sensitive alarm system, maybe Chimney just needs an adjustment period, now that everything is back to the way it should be.” Karen smiles and hands him the mug, “Eddie must be glad,” she sits down next to Hen.

“Thanks,” Buck smiles at her, “yeah, of course…” he sips his coffee. Hey Eddie, has Chris told you yet? Don’t hide behind Chris.

“Or not?” Hen asks.

“I think he is still hung up on the fact that they could have been reunited a lot earlier. Eddie was thinking about getting him back for weeks and Chris said he pretty much regretted going to Texas instantly but didn’t say anything.”

“Well, some people really like to stand in their own way a lot, don’t they?!” Hen aims a meaningful side glance at Karen who widens her eyes and slightly shakes her head.

“What was that about?” Buck points between them.

“You– “ Hen starts, “So did you look at that bar I send you?” Karen interrupts, Hen leans back and drinks her coffee with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, yeah, ah, what exactly did we talk about that evening? Things are a bit blurry.” Buck smiles self-consciously.

“We talked about choosing the right places for considering men. For you of course!” Karen winks at him, “because you said you didn’t really consider dating men before Tommy.” She adds when he still doesn’t comprehend.  

“Or was Tommy an anomaly?” Hen inquires.

Buck thinks about it. How the detour he sometimes takes to work for his favorite cold brew is more about the dainty barista with the buzz cut taking his time to prepare the coffee, giving Buck the opportunity to admire the adept movements of his tattooed hands, served with a side of distracting dimples. About the rush in the gym the other day, induced by the tall guy, deep cut forest-green tank top beautifully matching his dark skin tone, who gave him a wink glinting cheekily in his bistre brown eyes when he caught Buck admiring his impressive lats. How he stumbled over his own words at the playground, completely thrown off balance for no reason other than a gorgeously crooked smile framed by red hair, a bright-blue gaze and a perfect jawline.

“No. I guess it was there before Tommy, I just wasn’t conscious of it and now that I am, it’s ... a lot.”

“Are you sure? You never considered it? Nobody else comes to mind?” Hen eyes him intensely and her voice has an ironic undertone.

“Do you have a type?” Karen jumps in.

“No, it’s more about… I don’t know actually…”

“About who gives you attention?” Hen teases him, and Karen gently elbows her.

“If I’m honest… probably.” Buck squints.

“You seemed pretty zeroed in on women lately.” Hen says.

“Just because it’s the option I’m used to, seems safer somehow…”

“That’s just because you were looking in the wrong places. Hence my suggestion.” Karen points out and looks between Hen and Buck, “we could show you some of the good places, have fun, meet some people, boost your ego a little bit, see what’s out there…”

***

“Thank god! You just saved my evening!” Chimney welcomes Buck with open arms and takes the stuffed animal from him, “I was running out of inventing places that he has to stop by before finally coming home!”

“Alfonso is a very busy little elephant!” Maddie laughs while putting on her second shoe.

“Didn’t know Alfie was short for Alfonso.” Buck grins.

“It wasn’t until a few weeks ago.” Chim forces a smile and looks at Maddie.

“Kieran called him that and Jee and Michaela picked it up. Have you seen my watch?”

“On the counter.” Chim’s eyes follow her walking around the kitchen. “I was thinking we could invite them over some time?”

“Them?” Maddie comes back to the entrance putting on her watch.

“Michaela and her… family.” Chimney asks, “Buck could come, too?”

Buck instinctively pulls up his shoulders, drawn into something he shouldn’t be part of.

“I don’t know, they’ve got a lot going on, plus mixing circles is always a risk,” Maddie gestures, “you remember the Jonsons? We still can’t go to that nice little bakery for fear of running into them.”

“Right.” Chimney says warily, trying for a carefree expression again, when Maddie gives him a kiss on the cheek, pats Buck’s shoulder and walks out.

Buck is still standing in the doorway awkwardly.

“I’m starting to think Michaela is as imaginary as Alfie’s important elephant business.” Chimney closes the door after Maddie apprehensively.

“Oh no, she is real,” Buck says, “I met her at the playground. Her uncle and Maddie had a lot of fun watching me drink witch poison.” Buck grimaces.

“Fun, huh? So, what’s this uncle like?”

“Ahh… nice?”, Buck shrugs and feels his face blushing, “I mean, not that I–”

“So he is hot!” Chimney points at him.

“Wh– , I didn’t say that!”

“Well, I still heard it!”

“Chim, what’s going on?”

Buck follows into the kitchen, where Chimney walks around restlessly, “she’s been avoidant for weeks, always on the go, absentminded, she texts all the time and when I ask her, she just smiles and says ‘it’s nothing.’”

“What are you saying? You don’t really think she is having an affair or something? Chim, it’s Maddie, that’s crazy!”

“Is it?!” Chimney’s voice gets loud, “she isn’t talking to me and then she comes home and tells me how good it is for Jee to hang out with Michaela, and how the coffee Kieran makes is better than anything you can buy in town, decaf and everything. And she has these mysterious last-minute appointments…”

“I’m sure there is another explanation.”

“Like what?”

Buck is silent, thinks back to the playground and how Maddie waved off both his suggestions of tagging along again, as well as his offers to pick up Jee from Michaela’s. “Have you asked her directly?”

“Of course not! Because I know how crazy I sound.” Chimney clutches his hair, “But still, you saw how she reacted to the idea of inviting him? Mixing circles, since when is that a thing?! I don’t even remember who the Johnson’s are supposed to be! And, this fell out of her pocket when I was doing laundry.” He shows Buck a white business card with a note written on the back: Call me anytime. XO

Buck turns the card and reads “Dr. Bloom…”

Chimney shakes his head, “Do you know the uncle’s last name?”

“No, look, just forget it for now. I’ll talk to her,” Buck holds up his hands reassuringly when Chimney starts protesting, “I’m not gonna say anything, just ask a little more about Kieran, ok? I’m sure it’s nothing.”

***

The atmosphere inside the bar had been welcoming and relaxed, but still Buck couldn’t get into the mood. His thoughts kept drifting, he tried to push through, until eyes and voices and inquiries directed at him became too much to handle. The urge to throw himself into a mass of bodies, being carried by the soothing sway of alcohol, to bathe in attention and devour distraction is gone now, evaporated, and with it the ability to be in the moment, engage, go with the flow.

Obsession is chased by lethargy, it feels urgent and offers plannable spikes of satisfaction, it’s reliable. Once lethargy has caught up, all the momentum is gone. The race forced him into a dead-end, standing in front of a wall once more, which he is slowly backing away from by sticking to his meal plans and workout regiment, focusing on work and his social life. He understands Chimney being wary, he too has trouble getting out of the constant state of alert the past few months put him in.

His thoughts keep drifting to Eddie and Chris. Chris had been very hesitant to talk, visibly unsure which words to set free from the confinement of his mind. When Buck asked why he didn’t call his dad, he just shrugged: “Usually after a fight he just comes into my room and asks what I want for dinner, or if we should play a video game and then things are back to normal, but I was in Texas.”

Hey Eddie, remember how guilty you felt for not getting Chris back earlier? Not helpful. He cannot exist in a space of withheld information with Eddie, has been avoiding him again. Him and that look, which has intensified, probably into contempt for holding back, avoiding, for Chris calling him instead of his father.

“You do realize we are here for your sake, right?”

He turns to find Hen standing behind him outside the bar.

“I’m sorry, needed a little break.”

“Too much too soon?” Hen stands beside him, “Overabundance instead of restriction kind of seems like a suitable approach for you?”

“Buck 1.0 would have loved this,” Buck shakes his head, “maybe it’s time to start introducing myself as Evan instead of Buck.”

“Why? I don’t go by Henrietta.”

“Why don’t you?”

“The name was chosen for me, not by me. Feels more like it denotes who I am supposed to be rather than who I really am, what I have made of my life with what I was given.”

“Wow, see that’s profound. I was just called Buck because there were to many of me, doesn’t seem that meaningful, just like a quick random fix.”

“To distinguish you from other people at a moment in your life that was defining for you, which is probably why you chose to keep it.”

“Haven’t thought about it like that.” Buck smiles lightly.

“It’s called maturing and that’s a good thing. Or at least neutral. You do know you don’t have to reinvent yourself on a regular basis, right?”

“I could do with a little reinvention right now…”

“After Tommy?”

“I thought things would be different,” Buck says and looks down, “that after I found this thing I was searching for without knowing, I would finally feel more… complete?”

“Figuring out your sexuality does make things clearer but not necessarily easier. I mean it is inevitably tied to other people in some ways but in the end it’s about who you are and what you want.”

“Yeah,” he sighs “I think it’s more about the breakup itself than not being with Tommy or being bisexual.”

“What did he do?” Hen asks.

Buck squirms uncomfortably, fear distorts the thought process in his head, inhibiting his motor cortex in verbalizing the concept.

“Nothing, forget it. Everything ok with you and Karen?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Seemed like there was something going on the other day.”

“With Karen and me?” Hen shortly zones out mentally exanimating his implication, “No, Buck, I was talking about —"

“There you guys are! It’s a good crowd, right?” Karen approaches them.

“Amazing.” Hen nods unenthusiastically, “awesome.” Buck presses out.

“You guys just want to go somewhere nice and quiet to eat?” Karen smiles knowingly.

“YES!” Buck exclaims.

“Thank god.” Hen takes Karen’s hand.

***

“There it is!” Maddie’s eyes light up and she hands Buck a slip of paper.

Buck frowns, “’Lemon-poppy-seed energy balls’. Who still writes out recipes instead of sending links or screenshots?”

“Kieran is a digital grouch.” She says airily.

“Sooo, you guys don’t text a lot?” Buck tries to make his voice sound casual, sliding his hand over the surface of the kitchen counter giving Maddie only a quick glance out of the corner of his eye.

“Not really.” Maddie opens the dishwasher and hands Buck some bowls.

“What’s his, ah, situation? Is he married?” Buck puts the bowls into the cupboard.

“Not that I know.” she hands him a pile of plates.

Buck waits but she makes no attempt at further explanations. “Is hee…  single?”

“Uhm, not sure actually, why?” she tilts her head at him.

“No reason…” Buck stows the plates away, feverishly trying to find another angle to get her talking.

“Wait, so, Chris didn’t call Eddie? At all?” Maddie puts her hand on her hip and frowns, picking up their conversation from before she remembered the recipe.

Buck shakes his head.

“You think it’s just stubbornness, because of what happened before he left?”

“Maybe.” Buck says slowly, “I think there is more, but I don’t want to further complicate things.” Hey Eddie, got a minute to dig out deep dark family secrets? Too dramatic.

“If there is something you want to say, do it, sooner rather than later. It’s never good to leave unsaid things brewing. If you’re waiting for the right time, you already missed it, believe me.” Maddie closes the dishwasher emphatically.

“Mhm.” He gnaws at the inside of his cheek, “Maddie, about Kieran…“

“Buck,” she closes her eyes and rubs her forehead, “I’m actually pretty tired, I’d like to lie down for a bit.”

“Yeah, sure.” He attempts to leave, when the front door swings open and Chimney rushes in.

“Buck! Did you find out Kieran’s last name, yet? Because I–“ he stops abruptly, when he sees Maddie looking from behind Buck’s back in the kitchen, “oh hey, I thought you were…”

“I… haven’t…” Buck says clumsily.

“Bloom, if that helps either of you?” Maddie looks between them pointedly, switching into agitation when she sees their distraught expressions, “Is anybody going to tell me what’s going on?”

“I found the card, Maddie.” Chimney says meekly and holds up the business card.

Maddie raises her eyebrows and shakes her head in confusion, “…of Dr. Danielle Bloom, who is Michaela’s mother and also my gynecologist?” Maddie asks impatiently, “what exactly do you think you discovered here?”

“Oh.” Chimney says, “What wh–“

“Seee!” Buck lights up, “I told you there was nothing going on between her and Kieran!”

“Excuse me?!” Maddie’s eyes widen, ”You guys are ridiculous! Buck, you met him!”

“Yeah, I mean he did seem pretty interested in you…” Buck tilts his head.

“Unbelievable! How long have you two been playing detective?! Besides, even if I wasn’t happily married – until a few minutes ago at least – ” she glares at Chimney, “I’m not the Buckley he would be interested in, if that helps. Both of you!”

Buck and Chimney exchange embarrassed looks.

“I’m sorry, but Maddie, why are you seeing a new gynecologist, frequently it seems, and haven’t talked to me about it?” Chimneys still looks alarmed.

Maddie takes a deep breath, “because I wanted to be very sure before I unsettle you over nothing. My period was late, which is not that unusual, and I had an appointment with my OBG coming up anyway, so I was just going to wait...” Maddie sighs, “But then Michaela almost choked on a piece of cookie, and I had to do the Heimlich maneuver. That’s a pretty stressful thing for a little girl to go through, and not just for her, because I started having cramps and I just panicked. Danielle offered to take me to her practice and have a look.” She takes the card out of Chimney’s hand.

Chimney and Buck both look at her expectantly.

“I’m 7 weeks along.” She smiles cautiously.

Chimney lets out a gagged noise and Buck feels a wave of joy washing over him. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say something earlier, with our history… I just wasn’t sure how you would react, so I kept waiting for the right time.” She sniffs and looks at Chimney, who steps forward to pull her into his arms.  

“I’m very happy for you.” Buck embraces both of them shortly, ”I’ll give you guys some space.”

“I was just worried it was something bad, Maddie, this is amazing news…“

Buck hears their fading voices and walks out smiling.

***

Buck decides to apply the lesson learned in this whirlwind of an afternoon to his current personal crisis and drives directly to Eddie’s house. Anxiously he ponders whether to knock or ring the bell, when his phone rings, it’s Eddie. He picks up, “I’m in front of your house…”

Eddie practically throws the accusing look at him double its former intensity, when he rips the door open, “Where you about to ring the bell?”

“Is that not what you do when you go to someone’s house?” Buck’s conviction already falters as he keeps himself from physically flinching.  

Eddie impatiently gestures for him to enter and walks ahead towards the kitchen, scratching his head. Buck closes the door behind himself and follows reluctantly.

No longer load-bearing in their neatly arranged structure, the walls of the brick labyrinth now seem to be moving randomly with no rhyme or reason, causing both of them to wander aimlessly lost, not knowing what to do when they cross paths on their restless search for the way. Buck does not even know whether it’s a way in or out. Then again, Buck wouldn’t know what to do without the walls, how to navigate the path with no guide rail.

“Have you eaten? Chris is at Peppa’s tonight, I was just going to reheat leftovers...” Eddie scans the content of his fridge.

“No, I was… ah doesn’t matter. I’m fine with anything.” Buck looks around the kitchen indecisively, then goes to grab plates and cutlery to set the table, just to go back standing around awkwardly watching Eddie rummaging. As familiar as the space is, he feels like he doesn’t belong, an unwanted guest. Out of place everywhere he goes, belonging to no place and no person. Standing on the outside. He doesn’t know what to do with himself, doesn’t know how to say, what he has to, without everything else bursting out alongside. Wants to tell Eddie everything. Hates that he hasn’t. About going out with Karen and Hen, Chimney’s ridiculous suspicions and the exciting news of the addition to the Buckley-Han household, about the break-up… But how can he, when Eddie’s life seems still so out of balance, and he retains information that could irrevocably tip the scale.

This time Buck can’t help but flinch when he faces Eddie’s mahogany eyes with their ochre grain sanded into a flat sepia finish, the hardened surface quickly transforms into an excusing look, “We should just order pizza.”

“Why?” Buck manages to catch a glimpse of the container Eddie is putting back in the fridge, it looks like plain chicken and rice.

“Chris already gave me an earful about the difference between nourishment and sustenance, ok? I don’t need to hear it again, you really spoiled him, you know that?”

Buck can’t help but let out a breathy laugh, “Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” Eddie narrows his eyes at him, the subdued smile fading with his next words, “Chris and I have relied on you a lot in the past years.” The switch from amicable exposure to remorseful admission immediately prompts an automatic response.

“I don’t mind.”

“Maybe you should.”

Buck swallows, wholly unprepared for the direction this conversation is going. 

“Did it bother Tommy?”

Buck turns his back to Eddie, stalling by taking some napkins out of a drawer ardently preventing Tommy’s words from entering his conscious mind, because once they appear he fears the lens of his eye could reverse its function and suddenly project a snapshot of his mental image to the outside. He attempts an indifferent tone, but his confidence only allows for a single word, “Sometimes.”

“Why did you break up?”

“I already told you.” Buck pulls up his shoulders and pushes some things around in the drawer to delay closing it.

“No, you haven’t. Even Chris seems to know more than I do.”

Buck turns around surprised, pulling his fingers back the last second before they get caught in the closing drawer.

Eddie crosses his arms and waits expectantly.

“I didn’t…” Buck folds one of the napkins in his hands, “… it just came up because he…” One uncomfortable truth for another, only one of them relevant for Eddie, and the reason why he is here in the first place. Hey Eddie, may I offer you another piece of information to put a strain on your already complicated situation.

“Buck?” Eddie shifts his head trying to establish eye contact.

“Ah, alright, I’m sure it’s nothing but…“ Buck shifts tensely, “it’s just, I think there were also some things pushing Chris, you know to leave, maybe scared him…” he looks up at Eddie tenuously.

Eddie frowns and puts his hands on his hips, “What do you mean?” he says slowly.

“What happened with your cousin Miguel?” Buck pushes the words out quickly.

Eddie looks confused, “Miguel? I haven’t heard from him or even thought about him in years.” He shakes his head, “I don’t even know where he lives now, just lost contact, I guess. What does he have to do with anything?”

“From what Chris said, he was back in El Passo, but him leaving… Do you remember, if it maybe had to do with … with his marriage?” Buck leans against the counter.

“Ahm, good for him, I guess? I don’t understand the relevance…”

“His… partner, at the time, well now his husband…” Buck looks up carefully.

Eddie blinks, “oh, I don’t… oh.” He looks away, leans back. Buck gives him some time to think, unfolding the napkin again.

“Wait, why did that come up with Chris?” Eddie squints at him.

“Chris asked me, if my parents still talk to me… since Tommy…” Buck sees the implication dawning on Eddie’s face, “it seemed like it weighed on him, what Miguel told him happened with his family when he came out.”

“No, it wasn’t like that…” Eddie turns his head towards Buck, but his gaze stays fixed on something in front of him, something he has to search for somewhere else than his kitchen floor.

“Are you sure?”

Buck can see that Eddie isn’t. At all. And it makes his stomach turn.