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Once upon a time, there was a cat. It was a white cat, a cute cat—its name was Snowball, it liked to play with a red ball, and Alphonse Elric was enchanted by it the moment it came onscreen.
Unfortunately, just as Al had finished placing food and started a shopping spree, the screen of his new phone flashed with the notification of an incoming call, jerking him out of his narrative.
With a displeased noise, he fumbled with the touchscreen. How in the world did it—it wasn’t detecting…? Oh, you had to slide your finger. He did so.
“Hello?”
“So what’s this about you getting a new phone?” the smug voice on the other end asked. “Did you finally accept the superiority of technology and get rid of that goddamn flip phone?”
Al sighed. “Hello, brother.”
“That’s not an answer! So? What is it? I’d tell you I’d disown you if you got an iPhone, but at this point, I’ll take anything that has a data plan.”
“It’s not—it’s the other one. Droid?”
“Good! What kind of Android?”
“I don’t know. Did you have a reason for calling me, or was it just to make fun of my technological choices?”
“Well, I’m not gonna make fun of you since you didn’t get an iPhone.”
“Thanks, brother.” Al’s voice was dry. “But, I still have things to do.” His mind wandered back to the app he had downloaded. “Like… update my contacts. Your number isn’t even in here yet.”
“…You know that you can import that shit? You can get the phone company to—dammit, Al, I’m comin’ down there.”
The sound of a key in the lock, and then turning. “Winry’s home, gotta go.”
Ignoring Ed’s protests, Al hit the “End” button… then proceeded to hit the small yellow and white icon again, settling back on the couch without looking up.
—
“Oh, hey, Ed. Thank god you’re here. He said he was setting up his phone when I walked in three hours ago and hasn’t budged since. Didn’t even kiss me when I got in!”
“Since you came home, huh? Funny, that’s why he ditched me. What’s that sound?”
“The music? No idea. I think he’s trying to set his ringtone? It’s been going on and off the entire time I’ve been here.”
Al frowned at the noises, tapping the camera, and a loud “Meow!” sounded through the room. He barely noticed its two occupants jump as he cooed over Bolt—what an adorable cat butt, really. He had golden fish and a room expansion to buy, according to Reddit.
“The fuck was that?” Ed murmured, though Al barely noticed, or cared—until two metal fingers closed around Al’s phone, yanking it out of his hands.
“Hey!” Al yelped, glaring up at his insufferable brother, then swiping his hand out in an attempt to get his phone back. When he lunged forward to retrieve his newfound treasure, however, his legs wobbled, then gave out completely. As pins and needles started to prickle, he found himself wondering, How long have I been sitting here? “Give it back!”
“They’re cats! Of fucking course—woah, hold up.” Ed whirled away. “This thing costs money? You didn’t—“
Al swiped again, trying to salvage his honor before his mathematical genius of a brother had enough figures to declare Al’s shame to the world. “Hey!”
“Oh my god you spent this much money on a fucking cat app? We shouldn’t have ever let you get a smartphone!”
Winry rushed over, no longer only interested in sitting back, amused, and watching them bicker. “How much did he spend?!”
While his brother might be a mathematical genius, Al took some comfort in the fact that he was still much larger, and a full-bodied tackle not only squished him flat, but retrieved Al’s treasure in the process.
—
Meow.
“Three significant figures, right?” Winry murmured, tapping the red pen to her lips. “Or they get marked off?”
Meow.
“Yeah, half point off for each one they miss. Little bastards don’t get that it’s not that hard to understand.”
Meow.
“Cut them some slack—they’re just freshman—“
Meow.
“Fucking hell, will you turn that goddamn thing off?”
Al glanced up, an injured expression on his face. “They’re cute, brother. I’m taking pictures.”
“Cameras shouldn’t meow! And the song—“
“The song is adorable,” Al sniffed.
“The song is kind of annoying.”
Al turned to stare at Winry in betrayed horror. “Et tu, Winre?”
Winry just rolled her eyes. “You two are so melodramatic.” She pushed herself up off the carpet, then stormed over to the counter, snatching up a mass of tangled wires and chucking it at Al, who managed to avoid flinching enough to catch the headphones. “Take a page from my book when I’m trying to block you two out. How many tests have you graded yet, anyway?”
Al blinked, then stared sheepishly down at the paper in front of him. “This is my second.”
“I’m on my twelfth!”
“And I’ve done fuckin’ twenty. You said you were gonna help!”
Al glared at Winry and Ed in turn. “Fine, fine! Okay, I’m helping!” He pushed his phone off to the side and grabbed a key, turning to mark off the incorrect answers.
Five minutes later, he heard the song.
He turned to see Ed squinting at the phone with a considering expression. “Huh, I guess they are kinda cute.”
Al sniffed, more than slightly vindicated. “Yes, yes they are. Especially Speckles!”
“Yeah, except this fat one. Fuck, he ate all your food—that’s so gross, look at the goddamn crumbs.”
Al’s face split into a grin. Finally! He hadn’t seen Tubbs yet—he had been waiting to catch him for days! “Well,” he shot back cheerfully, “I think you two would get along really well, then.”
Ed shot him a glare as Winry sniggered. “Hah, hah. Well, I’ll give him some more food, then.”
Well, at least he was being consider—wait.
“Brother, no!” he yelped, lunging towards him frantically across the floor.
Ed scrambled back, eyes wide. “Holy fuck, I’m not gonna delete it, I’m just feeding the fucking—“
Al got him with the second lunge, pinning Ed’s face with his stomach and snatching his phone out of a flailing arm, praying that it wasn’t too late—
But there they were, the Ritzy Bitz sitting innocently in their food bowl, unaware of the anguish they had just caused.
Tubbs was gone, leaving only a few fish in his place.—
Al knew that he shouldn’t be checking his phone this often, not at work, but three times—three times—Peaches had visited and left, despite having all of her favorite toys out and splurging on the best food. He had wanted to earlier, as well, but his last patient had been particularly trying, and while he was usually quite tolerant, continuously arguing with a doctor about vaccines and how they “weren’t necessary…” Well, suffice to say that the woman was lucky that Al hadn’t blatantly called her an idiot to her face.
But now he had a spare moment to check—
“Dammit!” he yelped, kicking the door to the exam room as Peaches’s blacked out face, next to a few fish, stared back at him.
And it wasn’t the only thing.
“Doctor Elric?” one of the nurses asked in a small voice, clipboard clutched to her chest, eyes wide. “Is… is everything all right?”
Al froze, eyes just as wide. Of course someone would witness the first time he had sworn in—he couldn’t even remember how long. “Fine,” he squeaked. “I… rough day, is all.”
The nurse nodded quickly and scampered.
Al checked once more, just in case Peaches came back once again.
—
“Meow. Meow. Meow.”
“What the hell,” Winry groaned, eyes screwed shut, as Al fumbled for his phone. “I thought you were off today? You promised you weren’t going in! And what the hell is that alarm?”
“Not,” Al grunted, screwing up his eyes and turning the brightness down as much as possible.
The music started up, and Al immediately felt more at ease. Winry, however, sat bolt upright, but for once, Al barely even noticed the fact that she slept naked.
“What the hell, Al? Are you--are you seriously—”
“Gotta refill Frisky Bits.” He tapped the bowl. “And check for Frosty.”
“It—it’s three in the morning!” Al could hear Winry shift. “What the—okay, no. No more.” She grabbed for the phone, fumbling for it as Al held it out of her reach. Xerxes had left him a lot of fish!
“I’m serious! I’ve put up with you checking it at dinner, when we’re talking, after we’ve had sex—“
A leg suddenly slid around his waist, and then—oh. Oh. That was right. Winry did sleep naked.
“Well?” Winry raised an eyebrow down at him, then rolled her hips.
With a swallow, Al shut off the phone and set it aside.
—
Frosty was proving to be difficult.
Winry was away, at the grocery store he thought, so he had time to refresh frantically and research strategies and—
The key sounded in the lock, and Al jumped so badly that he flung his new phone clear across the room.
He debated going to get it, but if she walked in while he was doing that, she would know.
As such, he did his best to sit innocently on the couch.
“Got something for you!” Winry bustled into the room—followed by Ed.
“What’s going on?” Al straightened, peering at the boxes the two of them were carrying.
Something meowed.
“Did you guys download—“
Winry planted a hand on Al’s shoulder, shoving him back down onto the couch. For a brief moment, Al thought, oh god, here?, but those thoughts were cut short when both she and Ed dumped the contents of their boxes onto his lap.
Kittens, hundreds and hundreds of kittens, spilled onto him. He shrieked in delight, picking up as many as he could to cuddle them against his face.
There weren’t really a hundred—maybe six or seven—but Al was in heaven.
“What’s this for?” he laughed, nuzzling into a ginger tabby.
“New additions to the family.” At Al’s wide-eyed delight, she laughed. “Under a few conditions.”
“Anything!”
“You gotta stop spendin’ all your time on that goddamn cat app.” Al turned to Ed, who was laughing as a tiny tortoiseshell kitten climbed his pants leg. “I might have to keep this little guy, if he doesn’t let me go.”
“It’s a she, brother. Tortoiseshells are almost always girls.” Al turned back to Winry. “I swear.”
“Good.” She beamed over at him. Ed wasn’t really paying attention anymore; he was now cooing at the cat, who he had named “Victoria” and was asking something about, “Do you think you can chew on his shoelaces?”
…Al didn’t want to know.