Chapter Text
“I think we should have a party next weekend after finals are over.”
Both boys looked up at me from their respective spots in our living room.
Ushijima pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and stated, matter of factly, “You hate parties. You don’t drink, Katey.” Aone nodded wordlessly and I sighed.
“Okay, sorry Mr. Words are My Entire Life, let me rephrase. I think we should invite a few of our friends over next weekend to eat food and get drunk and or stoned. Yes or no?”
Ushijima exchanged a glance with Aone and the both of them shrugged. “I don’t see why not. Also, you should come up with a shorter derogative nickname. That one takes you too much time to say, thereby lessening its effectiveness as an insult.” Ushijima added, flipping to the next page in his book.
“You’re fucking. You’re something else, Wakatoshi.” I groaned, throwing my hands up in the air and turning to the fridge behind me. “We’ll need to go to the store then.” I tucked some loose hair behind my ear and sighed. “Actually, the fridge is like empty. If we want something other than takeout for dinner we’ll need to go like, now.” I turned back to them, hands on the counter. “I know y’all are studying but like, whenever you’re at a good stopping point we should go.”
“Can’t you go by yourself?” Ushijima asked, not looking up from his book. Aone raised his brows in surprise, eyes finding mine – which I rolled.
“Wakatoshi you know how hard it is for me to carry all those groceries by myself. And we need a lot, because like I said the fridge is almost empty.” I sighed. “An hour or two away from your limericks will do you some good.”
Finally he looked up at me, simultaneously shutting his book. “I’m not studying limericks, I’m studying beatniks.” He stood and stretched, joints popping. “Alright, I’m ready. Takanobu?”
Aone nodded and put a sticky tab in his notes to mark his place. He stood as well, the both of them shifting through the living room and into their room for a pair of shoes.
I smiled and slipped on my own shoes, clapping my hands together as I stood in our doorway, keys in hand and bag slipped over my shoulder. “Alright! That’s my boys!”
I’ve known Ushijima and Aone both since we were small, little children playing at the playground. They’d come to my aid when some other boys had taken my doll, left me crying and scratched up in the sand. Ushijima had come over to see why I’d been crying, and had sought Aone’s help – even then the boy’s face had been fearsome to strangers, a good ploy for Ushijima’s cause of rescuing my toy.
They’d returned it to me shortly after, both a little shocked when I had thrown my arms around their necks and cried out my thanks. “You guys are my best friends now! No takebacks.”
They’d seemed alright with this, both nodding and the three of us exchanging our names. And we remained together after that, through play dates and school changes, the two of them joining volleyball.
Things were rockier in high school, when we finally separated, Aone to Datekou, Ushijima to Shirtatorizawa and myself to Karasuno. It had been hard to make time for us to be each other’s friends, namely because of volleyball, but whenever we could, we spent time together.
And here we were, 15 years after meeting, sharing an apartment and attending the same university.
We’ve all come a long way since then – and if I tried to throw my arms around their necks now, I’d have to jump and throw my arms as wide as they could go, as they’ve both gotten much taller and much broader, towering over me at all times.
But things were good the way they were now. We were all content with our set up. The three of us worked well together. Nothing could have possibly made this any better, I thought.
When we held the party, everything had been according to plan. I’d made snacks and put out drinks and put on good music – so that several hours later everyone in the apartment was comfortably buzzed, except for Aone who didn’t like to drink or smoke with large groups of people and had decided to watch over everyone instead.
I, myself, could feel the lightness in my head and body and felt incredible. I had myself settled on a couch between Aone and Ushijima. I watched, mesmerized as Ushijima took a sip from his beer, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed.
“Tosh. Toshi. You’re so pretty.” I mumbled, grinning wide as he looked down at me, cheeks red from what I assumed was the alcohol.
“Thank you.” His eyes were a bit glazed over – he was already on his third beer – but he smiled back and patted me on the head.
“Mmhmm!” I stood from my seat and stretched, felt the glory of my joints popping, surveying the people gathered in our apartment. “Okay! Okay so, so I’m gonna head out to the porch, and I’m gonna smoke some more, if anyone wants to join me, or not, whichever, but I’m uh. I’m gonna head out there and pack a bowl a while.” I was met with quiet groans and waves of the hand, so I shrugged and went out to the balcony by myself.
I sat down in one of the chairs we’d set out there for occasions such as this, pulling a leg up underneath me as I shivered. It was cold and there was a breeze and I wanted to go inside, but I couldn’t risk the apartment smelling like weed.
So on the balcony I stayed, curling in on myself as I packed another bowl. We’d already smoked a pretty good amount – I’d gone through at least 2 grams between all of us – but it had been almost two hours and I could already feel myself sobering up, the lightheadedness and the burning leaving my body.
Couldn’t have that.
I heard the sliding door open and close as I was taking my first inhale, eyes opening as wide as they could when Ushijima sat down on the small wicker couch just across from me, one hand in the pocket of his jacket and the other around an almost empty beer.
I gave him a small wave as I slowly exhaled, smoke leaving my mouth and leaving a pleasant burning in my lungs. “Thank god you came out here Toshi it’s fucking freezing.” I stood from my chair and walked over to where he was sitting, carefully draping myself across his lap and leaning with my head against his shoulder. “You’re like a goddamn space heater. It’s not fair.”
He chuckled as I flicked the lighter, taking another drag from the bowl. “Maybe if you’d worn a jacket you wouldn’t have been so cold.” He pulled at the sleeve of my shirt – long sleeved but still thin.
I exhaled and frowned, looking up at him. “Listen here, you. I’m not exactly in my most intelligent mode right now.”
“And yet you chose to smoke more.”
“I’ll stop when I start to feel it again, thank you very much. I don’t wanna come down until after I fall asleep.” I held the bowl up to him, offering, and he took it from my hands, his fingers warm against mine.
I watched as he inhaled, the weed still burning from my last drag. He gave the bowl back to me, holding his breath until his lungs felt hot and ready to burst – exhaling slowly, face turned up towards the dark night sky.
I inhaled once more, longer and deeper than before, thoughts turning hot as I looked up at him. I reached up, taking his jaw in one hand and bringing his face down next to mine. I tapped a finger to his lips and then to mine, before opening my lips slightly and placing them just a hair’s width away from his, exhaling as slowly as I could. I watched, my eyes hooded, as he inhaled slowly. I could feel the air he sucked in, the absence of it cool on my mouth.
“You feeling it, Toshi?” I asked, my own head full of fog and dangerous thoughts. He nodded, eyes falling closed and his hand coming up to brush against mine, still folded against his jaw.
I unfolded myself from his lap, standing for only a moment to resituate myself, this time seated in his lap facing him. I held the bowl in one hand while the other remained on Ushijima’s jaw, holding on as if he were the only thing keeping me from floating away.
I felt like that when I was sober, sometimes.
He looked up at me, brows knitted in confusion and eyes glazed, pupils blown. “Katey…?” He whispered, breath hot against my lips as I leaned my forehead against his.
“W-Wakatoshi.” I returned, pushing my body flush against his as if I was trying to steal every last bit of his body heat. My head positively swam and my body hummed, and suddenly I felt my lips crash onto his, as though I wasn’t actually in control of my own actions. Ushijima went still, mind as glazed as his eyes, and I idly wondered if he could feel the way my heart pounded in my chest.
He wondered the same.
Slowly, slowly, he responded, his warm chapped lips working against mine. His hands, big and rough and warm just like the rest of him, came to rest at the small of my back, overlapping, before he moved them to my hips, pulling me impossibly closer against him.
The way he kissed me suggested that he’d thought about it before – but I’d never kissed him before that moment, for all I knew he always kissed like that.
I thought for a moment about how many others he may have kissed, and felt a pang in my chest that stayed until I felt his tongue creep out against my lip, begging me to open my mouth.
I complied, his tongue moving languidly against mine as my lips parted. The beauty of the situation was that one would think that the alcohol and the weed would have left the senses dulled – but every nerve ending in my body felt alive, on fire where he touched me, and I wanted to burn alive.
He pulled away first, panting, eyes dark. “We should go inside. You can’t survive on my body heat forever.”
And he was right, I was still only dressed in a thin shirt and leggings. I hummed in response, pulling myself off of his lap so he could stand and follow me inside, back to the party.
Except that once we came back inside, the only one there was Aone – in the kitchen, washing dishes.
“Taka, where did everyone go?” I asked, worry creasing my face as I scanned the room.
“Home,” he replied, not looking up from the sink. I immediately began to audibly fret, worried for people’s safety, driving drunk or high or both and Aone looked up then, confusion evident on his face when he reminded me, “Everyone lives in this building.”
Relief washed over me in an instant. In my haze I had forgotten that everyone we’d invited also lived somewhere in this building – it suddenly came back to me that this had been the reason we’d chosen to invite them, aside from them being our friends.
Behind me, Ushijima groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m taking a shower.” He mumbled, heading towards the bathroom. I made my way into the kitchen, lifting myself onto the counter unceremoniously, grabbing a towel to help dry the dishes Aone had already washed.
I watched his brows furrow when the water suddenly got cooler, owing to Ushijima’s shower, but he continued washing, so I continued drying. I found myself mesmerized by the way his hands were moving – slowly, carefully, as if he would break each dish if he pressed the sponge too hard.
“Takanobu.” I said softly, hoping to catch his attention.
That was the thing about Aone. It wasn’t hard to catch his attention.
He was much more observant than people gave him credit for, noticing the subtleties of life much more often than not – the slight hitch in someone’s voice, the fakeness of a smile or laugh, when someone’s eyes linger a little too long, whatever the reason.
His eyes flickered over to me, hands remaining in the sink. His eyebrows went up, his way of asking what I wanted.
“You know you won’t break them.” I said. It wasn’t a question – Aone, ever overly aware of himself, knew that he couldn’t really break the dish by washing it too hard. Gripping too hard, maybe. But he’d always been good at keeping himself in check.
He nodded, turning his gaze back to the sink.
“Takanobu.” I repeated, the smallest whine in my tone. He turned off the sink and we heard Ushijima sigh as the water in his shower gained heat. I giggled and Aone turned to face me.
“You’re amazing, Taka.” I told him, eyes half lidded from the pot and a lazy smile on my face. “I mean it.”
His eyebrows went up again, but his face remained unfazed. After years of knowing me, he knew to expect this sort of thing when I wasn’t sober. He simply bowed his head, not quite a nod so much as an acceptance of my words.
“Come here, Takanobu.” I requested, holding my arms open. He came closer, allowing me to wrap my arms around what I could of him, trying first for his shoulders, then moving them down to his waist. His own hands clasped together behind my back, not quite touching me.
“It’s okay for you to hold me, Taka.” I told him, attempting to pull him closer to me but unable to move his weight. He heeded my nonverbal request to move closer, coming as close as he could, allowing my arms to wrap around him tighter. His forehead came down to rest against mine, arms slowly wrapping around my waist.
Kissing Aone went differently from kissing Ushijima.
When I leaned my head up, slotting my lips against his, Aone had violently jerked – hyperaware, probably, that he had all of his faculties while I did not – and tried to pull away.
I whispered his name, confused, not wanting to pull him back if he was so vehemently against it. “I’m sorry, Taka, I just…I’m sorry, I won’t, I didn’t…Taka please don’t…”
I didn’t realize I was crying until Aone wiped the tears from my cheeks. The emotions writ into his face were unreadable to me, and I was still mumbling apologies, unaware of the way he stared at my mouth.
He said my name to call me from my mumbling, and I blinked up at him through watery eyes.
All he said was “Again.” And it took me a few moments to understand; but once I did, I hesitantly placed my lips against his again, waiting for him to respond.
Aone’s hands left my waist where they had settled and came up to cup my face gently, his lips soft as they moved against mine. His thumbs brushed over my cheeks, slowly, softly, just like his kiss. His hands were warm on my skin, but not in the same way Ushijima’s were.
Where kissing Ushijima had felt like a wildfire, kissing Aone felt like drowning.
The heat was like dipping under the sun warmed sea, being pulled deeper and deeper until I couldn’t breathe, but instead of fighting for the surface I was content to let the water – to let Aone – consume me.
He pulled away when he heard the shower stop, face still contoured with so many emotions it blew me away.
People really didn’t give him enough credit.
“Okay,” I sighed, stretching my arms above my head. “Go get ready for bed, Taka.”
He looked back to the sink – still full of dishes – and raised his eyebrows.
“Takanobu it’s four in the morning, I’m really high and very sleepy, you look exhausted, just leave them soak and we’ll do them tomorrow when we wake up.” I slid off the counter and pushed my hands against his chest, towards his room. “Go put on something comfy and come to bed, Takanobu.”
He nodded and gave in to my pushing, heading into his and Ushijima’s room and closing the door behind him in the same moment Ushijima emerged from the bathroom, wet hair mussed and clinging to his face. He had sweatpants slung low on his hips and I was definitely too high to deal with that.
“Toshi, you and Taka are sleeping with me tonight.” It wasn’t a request, even though both of them were free to deny me. He simply nodded and knocked quickly on his door to let Aone know he was coming in.
I had just finished changing myself when Ushijima knocked on my door, alerting me to their presence.
“Aren’t you going to be cold?” Ushijima asked, gesturing towards my body and the clothes I wore – a thin tank top and tiny shorts.
I looked down at myself and then back up at them. “You two are space heaters. I think I’ll be okay.” I clapped my hands and jumped onto my bed, situating myself in the middle of the mattress.
When we’d moved in, I’d gotten the smaller room since I wouldn’t be sharing, but most of my room was taken up by my massive mattress – perfect for nights like this, when I tried to pass off the need to not be alone as a need for warmth.
I tried not to think about whether they saw through me or not.
I’d lost count of the number of times I’d asked this of them. Although there had been times it had been them forcing their way under the covers.
I needed the both of them like air.
I tried not to think about having kissed both of them as they got under the comforter, each throwing an arm over me.
I tried.
When I woke up that afternoon – it was nearly two when I managed to pull myself out from the covers – I was unsurprised to find myself alone. The two of them had always been early risers, able to go on only a few hours of sleep.
I made my way into the kitchen and saw the two of them sitting opposite the other on the couch, books on their laps. Not speaking, not looking at each other, not looking at me.
Something seemed off, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it had something to do with me, so I ignored it. I poured myself a cup of now-cold coffee and took a grateful sip. “I’m gonna go meet up with Margaret and I won’t be home until late, so you’ll have to make dinner for yourselves, okay?” I opened up the fridge, eyed its contents before continuing, “There’s some leftovers you can heat up.”
I saw them nod, still not looking up. I got dressed and left, hoping things would be better by the time I got home.
After I was gone, Ushijima’s eyes flickered up to meet Aone’s. “I’m going to ask Katey to be my girlfriend.” He stated simply, eyes watching for Aone’s reaction.
Aone jerked, head shooting up to stare at Ushijima. “Why?”
“Do you think I shouldn’t?” Ushijima asked, eyes wide. He’d told Aone his plan because they were friends after all – Aone’s opinion mattered to him.
“Why do you think you should?” Aone asked instead of answering, heart thundering in his chest. No, I don’t think you should. He thought selfishly. Because I’m going to.
“Because I’m in love with her.” Ushijima shrugged.
“Since?” Aone couldn’t believe this was happening. Ushijima couldn’t understand why Aone was so bewildered.
“A long time, I’m sure.” The brunette’s eyes rolled back thoughtfully. “I just only realized it last night, when she kissed me.”
Aone was going to be sick, he was sure of it. “Kissed?” He asked softly, trying to fight the darkness building inside his chest.
“Yes. Just before we came back inside, after everyone left.” Ushijima’s eyes narrowed, brows furrowed as he studied Aone. “Is something wrong, Takanobu?”
Aone closed his eyes, sighing. “She kissed me.”
“When?”
“Last night. Just after you came inside and got in the shower.”
They sat staring at each other for a few moments, both of their minds running a million miles a minute, working to try and figure out what had happened.
Ushijima was the first to break the silence. “Do you love her?”
Aone wanted to laugh – they both loved her, but he knew what Ushijima was asking. Are you in love with her? “Yes.”
“Since?”
“Our first year of college.”
Ushijima and Aone both felt something ripping through their chests. A sort of hurt and anger, but prominently confusion.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything? To me or her?” Ushijima asked suddenly, voice soft.
Aone sighed again. “I never thought she’d feel the same. And then…I wasn’t so sure anymore, after last night.” He chuckled, a rough hollow sound, devoid of joy. “I was going to ask her to be mine as well.”
“But why didn’t you tell me?” Ushijima pressed – he and Aone had trusted each other with so much. To only find out now, years later, about his feelings for their best friend was hurting him. His head was swimming; it was as if he’d never really known anything about me or Aone at all.
Aone hummed, running a hand through his short hair. “Because it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
And Ushijima realized that he was right – if he had known, what would he have done? It occurred to him that he may have been in love for just as long, finally connecting the warmth in his chest he always felt around me with a bigger heat when I’d kissed him.
What the absolute fuck.
“Takanobu…we have to talk to her.”
Aone’s eyes widened – he hated confrontation probably as much as I did – but he nodded. “Alright.”
The two of them returned to their silence and their notes.
-
“What do you mean you kissed both of them?”
“Margaret, listen, I couldn’t help it, I was so baked and they were both so close and I just. I couldn’t take it anymore!”
Margaret sighed, rubbing her eyes with her hands. “Katey. Katey what are you going to do? You know Ushijima is going to say something to you about this. He’s going to say something to Aone about this and it’s going to come out that you’ve kissed both of them. They’re each other’s best friends too, Katey, what if you tear them apart?”
“I’ve thought about that, trust me!” I cried. “Why do you think I never made a move? I love them both so much, Margaret. I just…I thought I would be okay just being friends with them as long as we were all still together but…god, what have I done?”
“Smoke with me?”
“Jesus fuck, please.”
-
When I returned to our apartment later that night, I found very little had changed. Aone and Ushijima were still on the couch, now with empty takeout containers on the coffee table, and their notes were gone but they were still talking.
I noticed how they both looked incredibly tense.
“Katey?” Ushijima called, having heard the door open and close. “Come here?”
It wasn’t really a question. My heart lurched.
I gulped, hanging my coat on the hook by the door and toeing out of my shoes and walking slowly into the living room. They both looked up at me expectantly, and Ushijima asked me if I wanted to sit.
I shook my head.
“Katey.”
“Wakatoshi.”
“We’re just very confused, Katey.”
“I can imagine.” I whispered. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My world was about to come crashing down around me.
“We just want to know why you kissed both of us.” Ushijima’s voice was earnest; he hoped he didn’t sound as sad and hurt as he felt.
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.
This was happening.
“Because I was high. Because I couldn’t stop myself. Because I had to know what it felt like to kiss you, both of you, before I went insane.”
They both exchanged a look that I didn’t see. I refused to open my eyes.
“Katey, what is that supposed to mean?” I knew he didn’t mean to sound angry, I knew Ushijima was just frustrated because he was confused and I had been selfish and I had fucked everything up.
Aone sat there, eyes wide, silent. Tears began to fall down my face and I could feel my throat closing up.
“Please, Wakatoshi. Takanobu.”
“We’re just trying to understand! Did the kisses mean anything to you?”
He’s frustrated, I told myself. He’s not angry. He just sounds angry. Tears were flowing quickly from my still-closed eyes, and my chest heaved over a sob.
“Of course they did.” I whispered. “How…how could they not?” I sobbed again, and I heard Aone – I knew it was Aone – shift uncomfortably on the couch.
“Then why both of us?”
I had hoped I’d never have to do this.
“Because I’m in love with both of you.” I whispered. I opened my eyes, and even through my tears I could see the matching looks of shock on their faces, the way they looked at each other and then back to me. “And I understand if you hate me now because I’ve ruined our friendship, and I’ve been trying to keep myself in check but god I’ve loved you both for so long, since high school, and I’m just, I’m sorry, I can’t…” I couldn’t see anything through my tears now, nothing but vague shapes moving off the couch and towards me.
“Please don’t.” I sobbed, turning away from both of them. “I can’t do this right now, please, I…I’ll be back.”
Ushijima watched, arm outstretched, as I made my way back to the door, pulling my coat and shoes back on, so tempted to pull me back and make me stay. He wanted to call my name, to hold me tight and brush the tears from my face.
He stood frozen and watched me go, turning to Aone after I slammed the door shut behind me. Aone’s eyes were wide and his features laced with worry and shock.
I didn’t go anywhere in particular. With the holidays so close the streets were full of people, too single-minded to notice the tear stains on my cheeks and the ones that flooded my eyes.
See? My mind whispered, dripping with venom. No one cares about you. No, no, no, this couldn’t be happening now. I hadn’t been gone long, if I went back now – They don’t care about you. They never did.
My chest felt so heavy, and I suddenly felt very wrong in my skin, and despite everything my head was telling me – both the Bad thoughts and the rational ones – I turned around and went home.
Just like before, when I opened the door the two of them were still in the living room. Aone was sprawled along the couch and Ushijima was pacing.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Eight. Eight.” I managed to get out, and suddenly the two of them were hurtling toward me in the tiny space, Ushijima taking me into his arms and bringing me into the kitchen, setting me down onto the counter. Aone got me a glass of water; I couldn’t stop crying long enough to drink it.
You’re worthless, good for nothing, you’ve ruined it all. Now they won’t even want you as their friend
“Please,” I wailed, face hot and hands grabbing at nothing.
The knives are right there, just go ahead, end it all, they don’t care
“Not here, not here, not here,” I moaned, fingers flexing with the need to hurt. Ushijima took my coat off before throwing it to the floor and taking me back into his arms, carrying me like a child back to my room.
“Lights?” Aone asked, his voice small.
“On.” I gasped, “On, please, I need to see.” Ushijima sat on the bed with me in his lap, his hands gently pulling my hair out from the bun I’d put it in and running his fingers through it. Aone sat beside him – I was facing him from my position in Ushijima’s lap – and held my hands tightly in his.
“Katey.” It was Ushijima who spoke, resting his chin on my head. I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to take in the familiar smells of the two of them – Ushijima’s body wash that smelled of cinnamon and apples, the spearmint gum he always chewed; Aone smelled like the candles he always had burning, smelled like the forest and rain and home, like the green tea he drank more often than not.
It wasn’t helping.
“N-nine.” I whispered, shutting my eyes, willing, begging for it to stop. The voice in my head continued, I tried to pull my hands from Aone’s, desperate to hurt myself, to give in to the voice and make it stop. He simply held my hands tighter, leaning forward and laying his head on my shoulder, whispering “Please,” into my neck.
The tears came harder.
“You have a kind heart.” Ushijima spoke, fingers still moving through my hair. “You care so much about people, even when you pretend not to. You’re so easy for people to love.”
he’s lying
“M-more.” I begged.
“Your smile is like sunshine. You always bake too many cookies on purpose to take to the little old lady at the end of the hall, even if you try to convince us otherwise. You’re stubborn but it’s only because you care so much. You take such good care of us, Katey.” Ushijima’s voice was steady, even though his mind and his heart were not.
“We would be nowhere without you.” Aone confirmed, thumbs stroking the backs of my shaking hands.
The voice became quieter. they just want you to shut up
“Your voice is the most comforting sound I know.” Aone offered, and it definitely cleared my head to hear that – of all the episodes I had had, he’d never admitted this to me. I blinked at him blearily, and the voice was gone, but the feeling of wrongness remains.
“You’re beautiful.” They both whispered, simultaneously, and I let out a dry sob. “I need you here.”
The fact that they both said it sent my heart racing in a not-Bad way, and I suddenly flashed back to me slamming out the door not even an hour earlier.
“I’m so sorry.” I mumbled. I knew that the episode had passed – the feeling of Wrong had been replaced by feeling Empty.
Which was always an incredible improvement.
They both let out a sigh. Aone squeezed my hands and lifted his head to look me in the eyes. “Don’t be sorry.” He told me, “This is what we’re here for. When you need us.”
“Both of us.” Ushijima breathed into my hair, hands running up and down my back. “Are you hungry?” He asked, pulling back when he felt me nod underneath his chin. “We ordered you some pad thai, do you want me to heat it up?”
Another nod. I removed myself from his lap, transferring wordlessly to Aone’s.
I felt a sudden pang of how badly I needed them.
“I’m sorry.” I said again, but Aone shook his head.
“We love you.”
“Please don’t say that.” My face pulled into a grimace.
“I mean it.” Aone squeezed my hands again.
“I know.”
The microwave pinged.
“Do you want to go into the kitchen?” Aone asked, soft. I nodded once more, and with me still in his lap, he scooted to the edge of the bed, wrapped his arms underneath my legs and stood, carrying me to our kitchen. Ushijima looked worried when Aone brought me in, after the way I had reacted earlier, but I seemed calm as Aone set me down onto the counter, so he let it go.
Ushijima handed me the plate of reheated Thai food and a fork and it stayed silent for a few minutes, other than the sounds of me chewing. No one said anything.
When I’d finished, I put my plate down beside me and took a deep breath.
“I’m not going to choose between you.”
They both look up at me sharply. They clearly had not been expecting to talk about that so soon after my outburst and subsequent episode.
“Katey you –“
“Please let me finish, Toshi.” I sighed and Ushijima closed his mouth, waiting for me to continue. “I’ve been in love with both of you since we were fifteen. Fifteen. I’ve wrestled with myself about this for years, and I can’t, I can’t pick between the two of you. I’m not going to tear myself apart like that – I’ve been in enough pain all these years thinking you would never love me back.”
“Katey, I’m in love with you.” Ushijima breathed the moment I was done speaking, and suddenly he and Aone had come to stand on either side of me, each of them taking one of my hands in theirs.
“Katey, I’m in love with you.” Aone whispered, voice soft and tender, pressing his lips to the back of my hand. Ushijima’s lips were on my neck and I didn’t know what was happening.
“Wh-what are you two doing?”
They both pulled back and exchanged a glance, then looked back to me. Ushijima smiled softly and it was like I was falling for him all over again, for that same sweet boy who’d saved my doll when we were children.
“We’re not going to make you choose, Katey. We both love you. You love both of us. There’s no reason we can’t all be together.”
I felt like Ushijima was clearly out of his mind, so I turned to Aone, my eyebrows raised in question and tears welling in my eyes.
Aone nodded. “We just want you to be happy. We’re more than willing to do anything for you, Katey. You know that.”
I loved them both so much. Every time Aone spoke my heart rushed – knowing that he trusted me enough to speak freely, to not filter himself the way he did with the rest of the world.
I considered this for a few moments.
“Please,” I begged softly, “kiss me. Both of you.”
They were more than happy to oblige.