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Another defeat, another failure.
This has become Yanqing's new fear: Not being enough for the General nor himself. The expectations were set too high, and now he couldn't keep up.
Because of this, Yanqing masked his feelings to perfection. After all, it would be even more shameful if someone found out about the mess going on inside his head.
Coming back after failing to arrest a fugitive was truly humiliating. Despite the kind words of encouragement coming from the other Cloud Knights, Yanqing convinced himself that they felt pity towards him. What kind of Lieutenant doesn't do his job right? Exactly… Him.
The so-called “prodigy” dragged his feet across the home he shared with the General, all while looking down and analyzing what went wrong. Not only during the battle, but during his entire life.
He was even being praised left and right not so long ago! And now he was only getting sad yet comforting smiles that he didn't really deserve.
After entering his messy yet spacious room, he closed the door behind him and locked it. This was part of his new routine: After every failure, he would take a short “rest” without giving much explanation to the rest. And after finishing and unlocking the door, he pretended to be okay, almost as if nothing happened.
And that was working so far. The General didn't ask, as he dismissed this attitude on Yanqing going through puberty. As such, he let him have as much privacy as he wanted.
However… The General was wrong. He was completely wrong.
The walls of the room were decorated with swords; their shape, size and handle were personalized and unique. The boy sighed as he carefully grabbed one. It was a curved dagger, easy to wield. He has tried it in battle a few times, but he never tried it here, in the privacy of his own room.
As he sat on the bed and started taking off his arm guards, he thought to himself. “Is this okay?”. He obviously knew the answer, but that wasn't going to stop him from punishing himself from committing yet another mistake.
Yanqing contemplated his arms and slightly tilted his head. Fresh cuts, scabs, and healed scars covered his pale skin. For some reason, he didn't feel ashamed: It made him feel happy, almost as if this was something he deserved and even craved. However, he was aware that he should keep this secret to the grave; the least he wanted was others telling him about how unhealthy and dangerous his actions were.
His hand slowly grabbed the dagger which was resting on the mattress. What a beautiful dagger it was… The jade green and the curved blade were mesmerizing. Using it to harm himself almost felt like tainting it, but his curiosity and frustration were overriding his guilt.
“I'm useless”, muttered Yanqing. “I can't stop losing”, “Everyone is disappointed in me”, “I shouldn't…”
“I shouldn't have been born in the first place.”
And with that, he quickly sliced his wrist. A small gasp came out of his mouth as the pain hit him, and immediately looked down.
Not a deep cut, but he definitely reached the dermis. The blood didn't start coming out yet, which was probably for the best considering that he didn't grab the towel he used for these “punishments”.
The kid gently placed his wrist on top of the towel, and soon enough, blood started to bloom from the cut. It was terrifying yet interesting to watch… His brain felt numb, forgetting those horrible thoughts he had earlier. He focused on the red slightly dripping off his wrist, then falling onto the towel, which was already stained with brown spots.
Then, he closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. In and out, in and out… He savored this private moment as if it was a dear treasure to him.
Not much time happened after he unlocked the door and exited the room. As always, everyone was oblivious to the fact that he was wearing bandages under his arm guards, and that his collection of swords served another purpose for him.
As he was about to leave the house, the General opened the door from the other side.
“Ah, Yanqing! What a surprise. I'm guessing you were busy today as well.”, he calmly said.
And after a small pause, Yanqing looked up and gave him a gentle smile.
“Of course I was. These days have been so rough that I even have to take a quick break inside my room to calm myself down.”
After the small chatter, Yanqing left and looked at his now covered arm, still pulsing with pain.
“Yes… I was just taking a break, that's all.”