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Shintaro recognized this classroom easily, he had seen it thousands and thousands of times, the same classroom being illuminated by the evening light. A distant memory that he cannot name.
And just as he has seen this classroom countless times, he has also seen the same face with the same smile. A face that his mind tries to forget.
Ayano, as she always used to do, would direct that same smile at him, only the Ayano of his dreams doesn't have the same glow as the real one (or at least the glow he remembers on her face. He no longer knows which memories are of the real Ayano and which are of the Ayano who won't let him sleep), her eyes only reflect emptiness. Completely black, absorbing his soul every time he dares to look directly into them.
"You look like you're having fun out there, Shintaro."
A soft but cold voice comes out, sending shivers down his spine every time he hears it, the voice that used to bid him good morning is now the one responsible for torturing him mentally. It's not Ayano's fault that Shintaro's mind is messed up neither, it was never her fault.
And yet, Shintaro talks to her because it's one of his only chances to talk to her again.
"Ha... Not really, I just get dragged into things, it's annoying."
That's probably not true. Or maybe it is, he doesn't know.
"Are you sure? You almost sound like you're happier without me."
"What are you saying? I don't..."
"Then tell me who I am."
Ah.... It's the same question. The same question that leaves Shintaro completely frozen. Never able to say anything to her, never able to pronounce her name even if he tries his hardest, Shintaro wonders if it's a reflection of those days.
He, as always, fails to say anything.
"Hey, Shintaro, what's wrong? You remember me, right?" She insists, showing an innocent expression.
He feels that he is shaking. He manages to muster all of his strength only to utter the pitiful sound of a "Stop..."
"Please stop..."
And Ayano just smiles waiting for his answer. No matter how much he begs, she’ll keep staring at him, forcing him to utter her name and remember her existence.
To remember that he did nothing to save her. That she is dead because of him. That nothing will bring her back no matter how much he cries and wails.
To remember that he is Kisaragi Shintaro.
He tries to get up from the seat where he always sits, right next to her, he feels his legs trembling and that he will collapse at any moment. Like the coward he is and always has been, he tries to run, even though he knows he cannot.
But trying to run in this place is like putting your feet between thousands of spikes. It's too hard to even look away from her every time he dreams of this place. He barely blinks and Ayano is already standing in front of him, smiling again.
"Why don't you say my name, Shintaro? Why are you running away?"
She asks him with the innocent expression she always wore and he feels like his organs are going to explode, he feels like he's going to vomit at any moment, everything feels so dizzy, so painful.
"Shintaro..."
She repeats again, and when Shintaro looks at her again, she already has blood coming out of her head, slowly covering her pure face, and her smile grows.
Shintaro wants to scream, his legs don't seem to respond to him, neither his arms, not even his brain. He is unable to kneel, unable to stand, unable to look away. His brain begins to hurt too much.
Ayano approaches him and he shakes. He sees the back of her head begin to disintegrate, revealing its parts little by little, from the flesh to the skull to the shattered pieces of her brain. Blood doesn't stop covering her face and gradually the rest of her body, combining with the red scarf that Shintaro always wishes to stop remembering.
Even the white flowers on her seat begin to turn red.
"Stop... P-Please stop."
He begs, unable to stop shaking, but also unable to move, unable to run anywhere, unable to forget.
"T-That's enough, stop it, I beg you."
He cries pitifully, trying to look anywhere else. His shaking hand trying to get up and stop it somehow, at least trying to cover his ears and eyes. "Stop, stop.... Stop it.... Stop..."
He keeps repeating pathetically, even if nothing will manage to stop it, he keeps pleading.
Ayano is dead, and it's your fault. She suicide, and it will always be your fault.
A voice whispers to him, and he's not sure if it's Ayano's, his own, or someone else's. He looks at her to confirm it, only to find her standing very close to him.
Her face no longer shows a smile, not even recognizable features. It's an amalgam in an attempt at a face, something he can't recognize, something he doesn't want to recognize. Even so, he is sure that she is smiling, because she always does. She's still bleeding, but her skull doesn't seem to be visible anymore, mostly because what's in its place doesn't look like anything human at all, just a red lump that happens to be completely black, just like the blood running down her face.
She no longer looks human, but neither does he — he doesn't even know if he was human at any point of his life —. Everything becomes shades of black and white as she grabs his face with both hands, in an affectionate tone as she moves closer to him. Her hands are warm and soft, just like the touch he once imagined.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I.. I'm so sorry, please forgive me…"
He breaks down, repeating it a thousand times. He begs her to hear it, but she doesn't seem to hear anything at all. She stares at him, but doesn't seem to be looking at him at all. She comes closer to his face, Shintaro's labored breathing comes to her inhuman face, but Shintaro can't feel any breathing from her. She speaks as she is close to his lips, a twisted version of the dreams Shintaro once had — and still has — she brings her 'face' closer to him, he can't look away even if he wants to.
"Hey, Shintaro."
"Did you forget again?"
Shintaro wakes up, sweating. It was cold.