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Janet wondered sometimes what it would be like to have a normal job. A job in an office, or maybe a bank. Nine to five hours, very little risk of grievous bodily harm, and chit chat at the water cooler about last night's Corrie with sane, sensible colleagues.
Not teaching, though. God, never teaching. Poor Ade. And banks, those were really dull unless you counted the risk of a hold-up. Okay, so maybe she wasn't cut out for banking either.
Or anything but the force, if she was honest. At least there was never a dull moment, especially with Rachel as a partner. On a good day... oh, on a good day you couldn't beat it. On a good day, working with Rachel on a case, coming up with the goods, it was Cagney and Lacey. They were Cagney and Lacey. They were Starsky and Hutch, or Regan and Carter. They were unstoppable.
On a bad day, mind, it was more like the Muppet Show.
Janet practiced her smile in the mirror, trying to look professional and reliable. Which she was, of course she was, but with kids it could be tricky looking it sometimes.
At the next sink along, Rachel peered critically at her reflection in the mirror, scrunching up her face for no discernible reason. "Do you think I could be a lesbian?" she said, and somewhere Janet could hear the faint plink plink plink plinky plink plink of a piano warming up for today's theme tune.
Damnit. She'd really hoped this was going to be a Cagney and Lacey kind of day.
* * *
Janet had to give Rachel her due: she was definitely one of the most tenacious colleagues she'd ever had. There was nobody she'd rather have up against a tough suspect who needed to be metaphorically turned upside down and shaken till the small change fell out of his pockets.
It was less fun being on the receiving end of that tenacity when you were on hold with the Met, and trying to eat your cheese and pickle sandwich at the same time because you were due in court in less than an hour.
"One," Janet said patiently, "you're not a lesbian."
Rachel pulled a face. "I could be," she said, and made a rude gesture at the catcalls coming from the next desks.
"Two," Janet continued, lowering her voice. "I'm not a lesbian."
"You're the only one I know who's kissed another woman," Rachel argued. "You've got experience!"
"Yes," Janet hissed. "Which is how I know I'm not a lesbian!"
"That doesn't mean you should deprive me of my chance to find out," Rachel said, and Janet thought she honestly believed that was a reasonable argument.
"Three, I don't fancy you." Implied by number two, of course, but you couldn't hammer a message home too hard to Rachel when she had her teeth into something.
"Hey!"
"And four." Janet ploughed on, because she didn't have time for Rachel to list all her best qualities, and she thought this one would cover it. "Four, I love you anyway, you know that. Going on a date, even a pretend one... it'd just be confusing."
"Aww." Janet let Rachel hug her then, even though it just encouraged the others to start up the catcalling again.
"Anyway, I think Ade is going to move back in soon," Janet said. She tapped her fingers on the desk. She was going to be late if Andrews kept her waiting much longer.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "And that wasn't one of your reasons?" she asked.
Janet snorted. "Are you kidding me? You know what he'd have said."
"'Can I watch?'" Rachel chorused with her, and they giggled, unfortunately just as Chief Inspector Andrews of the Metropolitan Police spoke up on the other end of Janet's phone line.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Janet said hurriedly, and turned back to her notes. All he needed from her was the occasional 'okay', so she watched Rachel while she listened. She looked despondent, and Janet felt vaguely guilty.
"I'll help," she said, putting her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. "We'll find you a woman to go out with, don't worry."
She didn't work out that Rachel's frantic hand gestures meant 'Shut the fuck up, Janet,' until she turned and saw Gill standing next to her desk.
"What's that?" Janet couldn't tell if Gill hadn't heard her properly, or if she just wanted it repeated anyway. Either way, it was pointless trying to fudge it. Gill was the only person Janet knew who was capable of out-stubborning Rachel. And anyway, half the room had heard the conversation. There wouldn't be anyone in the whole station who didn't know about Rachel's expanding sexual horizons by shift change on the front desk.
"Rachel wants to try going out with a woman," Janet said, ignoring Rachel's pleading face. "See if she likes it."
Gill cocked her head to one side and studied Rachel. "What, like a date? Fancy restaurant or something?"
Janet suspected Rachel hadn't got that far in her planning, but it sounded okay to her.
"Yeah," Rachel said, when Janet gave her an encouraging smile. "That sort of thing. But you know, no expectations. 'Cause I don't really know if I'll like it."
"I see."
Gill took a step towards her office, and Janet could see Rachel visibly relax.
Then she stepped back.
"I'll do it," she said. "I'll go out with you."
Janet and Rachel both stared.
"As long as you're paying," Gill added, flashing the quickest smile ever at them both in turn. She disappeared into her office and Rachel let out a long, low breath.
“Did that really just happen?” Rachel blinked at her and sat down heavily.
Janet knew Rachel far too well to think that was an end to the drama. She finished up her call as quickly as possible and grabbed her bag.
"Janet." Rachel's eyes were wide and panicked. "Where the hell am I going to take her?"
Janet typed a few words into Google and turned the screen towards Rachel.
"Just pick one," she said, patting her on the back. "You'll work something out."
Court was almost peaceful after the morning Janet had just escaped, but she should have known it was too good to be true. She was on the stand when her phone vibrated in her pocket, and she hoped it wasn't too obvious she'd been checking her messages when she had to turn a groan into a cough during a long spiel from the prosecution.
Bkd Casa Rosa 8pm me gdzlla u and ade.
Now how the hell was she going to get out of that?
* * *
“Close your mouth,” Janet said, tapping his chin. “People are starting to look.”
“I just---” He still looked baffled. “Rachel? And Gill?”
“I don't think it's anything,” Janet said. She peeked through the screen shielding them from Rachel and Gill's view. The conversation seemed quite animated; she hoped Rach wasn't going to knock back too much wine. “Rachel wanted to see if she'd be comfortable in a dating situation with a woman, and Gill-- I think she just fancied a night out.”
Ade looked sceptical. “That's not how people do things, Janet.”
Janet just shrugged, still watching the other table. Gill was laughing at something; Rachel looked pleased with herself. She couldn't help smiling. It was about time they both let themselves have fun. “If it's what they want to do, I don't see the harm.”
“Dragging us out as invisible chaperones is where the harm is.” Ade scowled. “And I've been off pasta since Atkins' retirement do with the dodgy seafood, you know that.”
“Then have a pizza,” Janet said, shoving the menu at him. “But it's on Rachel, so I'm having the special.”
“Oh, well.” Ade picked the menu up with more enthusiasm this time, and Janet snorted. “What about wine?”
Across the room, it looked like Gill was stroking Rachel's hand. She didn't know whether to hope she was wrong or not.
“God, yes,” Janet said. “I think I'm going to need it.”
A bottle and a half later, Janet was grateful for it. Without the mellow languor to soften it, watching the goodbye kiss outside the restaurant would maybe have been a little creepy. It didn't matter that she'd been invited to invade their privacy. As it was, it just made her want to snuggle into Ade like she hadn't in years.
“Remember when we were like that?” she asked him, watching their tentative movements, the brief uncertain kiss, the longer and much more sure one that followed.
For once he did the perfect thing, and simply pulled her closer.
* * *
“Don't do that,” Janet said automatically, rubbing the smudge off the mirror. She braced herself. This was the moment that was going to determine the rest of the day. Who would Rachel Bailey be today – Christine Cagney, or Miss Piggy?'
Janet wasn't optimistic, and it wasn't just the faint traces of a hangover. Mentally, she'd prepared on her way in for anything from 'Janet, teach me how to have sex with a woman,' to 'Janet, do you think I might be asexual?'
“Do you think,” Rachel said, “that second witness in the Craven case might have lied about the locked door? Because, you know, Tatler said--”
Janet smiled into the mirror. Today was going to be her kind of day.