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Bull comes home, tossing his keys angrily on the table and going straight to the fridge for a beer. He collapses on the sofa, and as when he forces his grip on the bottle to loosen, his hand starts shaking. Bull closes his eye trying to calm his mind by pulling on his training, trying to focus but it's not working, and his mind keeps bring up a memory of Dorian.
Dorian, naked on his knees holding his bleeding nose, his eyes wide. Yes yes, do it! Dorian on the bed, struggling and held in place by Bull's hand around his throat. Just like that, harder! Bull, fucking him balls deep and loving it.
Bull swallows hard, his gut wrenching from disgust and arousal, forcing a breath out. Without noticing he's started to grip the bottle in his hand hard enough for it to hurt and with great effort he loosens his fingers again and places the bottle on the side table. Whatever he tries he can't get himself to calm down, and no wonder after what he had done to Dorian—
No.
"Fuck," Bull says aloud, shaking his horns.
His mind is racing, again, but it makes sense, then — the signs — his mind is not calming, because it's been touched. He tries to think back to the meeting with Ash earlier and feels himself getting nauseous; the harder he thinks about it the worse the feeling gets until he forces himself to stop, starting to repeat his old training mantra — I put my mind aside for this moment — and the relief is so sudden he gasps for breath.
"Fuck," Bull says again, getting up.
He goes for his diary, fingers shaking as he flips through the pages for mentions of Dorian. Bull reads the lines carefully and groans, snapping the book shut. It takes him less than a minute to get upstairs to Cullen's door, and he knocks on it with more force than he originally intended, still not in full control of his limbs.
"Cullen, it's Bull," he says to the door. "Please open, I need to talk to you."
After some moments Cullen opens the door, his hair a little messy and eyes wide, dark with dilated pupils. He's gripping his cane with white knuckles and Bull guesses he's awoken the man from his nap.
"Bull?" Cullen asks, trying to sweep the hair back into line.
"Sorry I woke you," Bull says. "But I need... I need you to verify something."
Cullen looks at him and moves aside without a word. Bull comes in, finding a seat on the lone chair around the kitchen table, putting his diary on it while Cullen goes to the bedroom to fetch his chair.
"I think she's done it again," Bull says and rubs his good eye. "She saw... she saw Dorian last time, and before you say it, you were right. You were right about me and him."
Cullen wheels back into the kitchen, and stops on the other side of the table.
"In other circumstances I'd love to hear that," he says without a smile. "But not this time. Tell me what happened. When did you see her?"
"Today," Bull says, leaning back on his chair, making it creak. "I... she called and said that imekari had forgotten his book, so I went to bring it to him."
He's having trouble meeting Cullen's eyes.
"Okay, Bull, okay. We've done this before. Look at me," Cullen says, his face pale. "Continue. Did you go to her apartment?"
Bull breathes out and nods, keeping his gaze steady as he can.
"I went to her apartment, she opened the door. I wanted to just give her the book and go, but she said she needed to talk about something that had happened to imekari. I— I couldn't say no."
"I understand," Cullen says, and reaches for Bull's hand across the table. "I understand. What happened then?"
"I went inside and—" Bull's eye starts to twitch again and he squeezes Cullen's hand. "I sat down and she said—" Bull's chest is heaving now, he's trying to stop the involuntary retch but can't, closing his eye. "Fuck—"
"Okay okay," Cullen says quickly. "Just think of something else, t-think of that time the kiddo had hidden Krem's car keys, and everyone was crawling around on their knees, trying to look for them."
Bull's lip curls into an involuntary smile, but his head is still bowed.
"He had— he dropped them behind the sofa," Bull says, his breathing calming and for a moment he just sits there with his eye closed.
"Yeah," Cullen says and swallows. "Yeah he had, we didn't find them until a week later."
They sit in silence for few more moments, but Bull doesn't let go of Cullen's hand.
"I think we can be certain she has been in there, she's made it hard for you to even think about it," Cullen says quietly. "Do you know... what she did?"
Bull nods miserably. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I have an idea."
"About... Dorian?" Cullen asks just as quietly, in contrast both of their hands are gripping tight.
"Yeah," Bull says. "I need you to check my diary, I don't think she knows about it. But she could have found out, and I can't rely on reading it myself. I need you to make sure."
"Yeah, I'll do it," Cullen says.
"I'm sorry," Bull says and huffs out a laugh, no matter how inappropriate it is. "You'll have to read the parts about sex too. Especially those parts."
"Fine," Cullen says, and if Bull would look up he would see a blush.
Slowly Bull lets go of Cullen's hand so that he can take the diary.
"Probably need to start from the beginning, just to be sure," Bull says.
"What am I looking for?" Cullen asks softly and Bull forces himself to look at Cullen now.
"If I hurt him, even if he asked for it, especially if—" he says and before he can prevent it, the memories comes flooding back and he flinches. "Crap—"
"Okay," Cullen says quickly. "I'll read it."
Bull rubs his eye. "I didn't think she'd do it again, but I had to be prepared this time. Sometimes it feels such a pain writing everything down, but it's the only way to be sure. To be sure she can't get away with it anymore."
"I know," Cullen says. "We'll figure it out."
Next hour goes by excruciatingly slowly, and while Bull tries to sit still it's impossible without his thoughts drawing to Dorian. He paces in Cullen's small apartment until Cullen's glances force him to sit back down. Finally Cullen closes the book.
"Bull," he says, looking at him very seriously. "You haven't hurt him."
The thought hits Bull so hard he stumbles and manages not to fall by gripping the table hard.
"Are you sure?" he whispers, not taking his eyes off Cullen.
"I'm sure," Cullen says and sneers a little. "Your descriptions are very... thorough."
"Fuck," Bull says, overwhelmed by an urge to cry. "It's so real, I can't—"
"I'm so sorry, Bull," Cullen says quietly, touching Bull's hand again. "Would it help if you— if you talked about it?"
"I…" Bull says and stops, quiet for awhile. "He was asking for it and I loved it. He wanted me to—" he swallows. "She wanted me to think he had already agreed."
"Maker," Cullen whispers. "Is there no limit to what she's willing to do?"
"No," Bull chuckles, voice hollow. "Re-educators are supposed to use all possible resources. And she's particularly resourceful."
"Bull," Cullen says quietly but firmly. "We need to do something."
"That—" Bull agrees, "—we do."