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If I Have to, Then So Do You
March 2014
Josh had the most beautiful green eyes that you had ever seen.
Beautiful, but sad, and remarkably empty at times.
You had been an impatient at Ocean View Hospital’s adult psychiatric unit for three days when he’d first arrived. He was a surprise when you and the other patients came into the main area squeaky clean from showers that had never gotten warm enough in the short time you’d been given. You shivered from the cold air against your wet hair which had been cleaned using only about a tablespoon’s worth of shampoo.
Apparently he’d arrived overnight, and he looked it.
Dark circles framed those eyes and he was slumped over as he walked toward the eating area. His hands sought his face as if trying to shut out the unfortunate circumstance he was in. You knew the feeling of the unfortunate reality setting in, and you couldn’t blame him. Night transport must have been beyond stressful.
You retrieved the cardboard tray of scrambled eggs and toast that had been waiting for you and then settled in a set close to the only window. The steel bar reinforcements were painful to look at, but to be fair, escaping to the fresh air wasn’t going to help the reasons why you’d wound up there.
Your thoughts were disrupted when Josh sat himself down a few chairs away. It made no sense to you, but you couldn’t take your focus from him. Your mother always told you not to stare and so you didn’t after watching him seat himself, but your senses were extremely heightened to his presence out of the corner of your eye.
From what you had seen he wasn’t an incredibly striking guy. Good-looking, yes, but there were no features that should grab your attention so intensely. When you finally mustered the guts to look at him again, he was focused on the wall. His food had gone untouched. You could see it in his gaze: he was watching something in his mind. It wasn’t a hallucination, you’d seen that shit before, and it was chaotic. No, this was a human being forced to watch something horrible loop over again and again.
You don’t know what made you move, but sometimes aching souls have a way of wanting to relieve others of their pain. Silently you placed your tray in the space across from him and slid into the uncomfortable plastic chair. That’s when he looked up at you for the briefest fraction of a moment.
Damn, his eyes.
Breath caught in your chest and you struggled to conceal it. They were so trained on you during that small window of time that it made you freeze. You’d clearly become a little blip in the reel of his internal horror film.
Neither of you exchanged words, but there was that strange shift in the air. Something had changed from your decision to migrate four chairs to the right. Maybe he felt it too.
His eyes were no longer on you though. He was focused on his food, actually able to eat. So, you joined him. The food was the worst you’d ever had, but this was by far the best breakfast you’d ever experienced.
July 2014
Passion was one of the most attractive features a man could ever possess. It didn’t matter what he was passionate about, but that energy was contagious, and Josh was no exception. You loved the way his eyes lit up and how he’d gush over special affects whenever you watched movies together. He was a generally animated guy, but on the couch at his parents’ house with you by his side was when he was exceptionally so.
What a difference a few months and medication had done. He had a big, exciting smile that only came out after the medicine had begun to do its work. It had surprised you, but it also made you crazy over him. And there was that sense of humor that made you want to tell him to get out of his own house, but it also made you grin bigger than you had in your life. The good times were rewarding, refreshed your spirit, and made up for when shit hit the wall.
Josh wasn’t perfect.
There were days peppered throughout the months where he’d slip into that state of wanting to binge drink over the loss of his sisters, but you would be there to wrestle the bottle from his hands. You’d driven the hour drive at 3:00 in the morning just to yank him into his living room and watch a movie until he fell asleep on several occasions. These states scared you so much. If only you could take permanent residence there. You knew he’d been hospitalized for trying to kill himself, and these spells did not help your uneasiness. Thinking of life without him made you want to puke.
You weren’t perfect either.
Sometimes you’d fall asleep at his place, purposely ignoring the meds in your bag even though you knew it’s what kept you from falling apart. No matter the state, he’d be shaking you awake with a cup of water for you in his other hand. He’d taken to murmuring a “If I have to take them, then so do you,” when you’d protest. The words always seemed to do the trick. Just that brief moment of his lips close to your ear. There was no one you’d wanted more.
You had feelings for Josh. Josh had feelings for you. But for some reason you just couldn’t get around it. The two of you were always acting like a couple, shooting snarky jokes filled with sexual innuendo at each other, but that was just how it was. His close friends were constantly raising eyebrows when he’d put his arm around your shoulder or you’d fix his shirt if it was misaligned. They’d even tease over it, but it wasn’t a thing that phased either one of you. It wasn’t like you two denied it, but you’d never confirmed it either. The two of you just were. Simple as that.
“Oh no, no, no, no, no,” you gagged as you watched the woman on screen stab a man to death and then fish around in his guts to retrieve a key in order to save herself. You loved your horror films, but this was too much. Josh had told you that Saw was one of his favorites so you wanted to indulge him. Hell, you wanted to challenge yourself to see if you could survive at least watching the first movie…but it wasn’t looking good for you.
Josh paused the movie just as the woman had triumphantly extracted the key. The frozen scene did not help anything. You felt your own guts flip over.
“Do you want to stop?”
“What?”
“The movie,” Josh added with the start of a grin. “Too much for you?”
You shoved him with an added, “Oh, stop! No!” The action got you both laughing, easing the squirming in your stomach.
“Last chance, then,” he teased.
“I’ve got this. I’m a big girl, Josh.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that,” it was the usual suggestive tease, but something was different in his voice as he said it. “Get over here.” His arm wound around you and crushed you to his side, adding a hand over your eyes for emphasis. “Is that better?” He was clearly laughing.
You immediately yanked his hand away with a defiant huff. “Ha. Ha. So funny.”
“You’re gonna wish you left that hand there.”
“Why is that?”
“You’ll have nightmares.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes really. And then I’ll have to sleep in your bed with you. You know, to protect you.” Another laugh.
Between how warm he was, how good he smelt, and his running commentary, your stomach flipped for a reason that had nothing to do with the movie. “Yeah? Something tells me I’d need someone to protect me from you instead.” You shot back, trying to mask the overwhelming sensation with a usual snarky reply.
“Hmmm, I guess so. But if I keep you up all night, technically you wouldn’t be able to have nightmares, so I would be keeping my word.” There was that up-to-no-good look as he picked up the remote. “Anyway, I’m gonna start it again.”
“Bring it.”
March 2014
“My sisters…” It was the first time Josh had spoken up during group. His eyes were downcast, but the counselor was trying to pull him out of the hole he was so deep in. Saying anything was better than nothing at this point. “They’re gone. They’ve been missing all this time. There’s no way they can be alive…they’re all I see. Every day.”
Your eyes shifted up. Wait. What?
“My family’s lodge. I was drunk and then they were gone. I was fucking drunk while they were lost somewhere out in the damn snow!” His eyes were so wide but unfocused. Terrified.
There was no way…You dug your hands into your palm. The instinct was to put your hand on his shoulder, but that would not work for so many reasons. Yes, you’d become closer over the past few days, actually talking to each other, but it still wasn’t the time.
When group was over you were given some free time to attempt to relax (which was a hilarious concept considering you and most of the surrounding patients were constantly on edge). However, Josh just sat there, lost in his mind again. You couldn’t just leave him, so you stayed in your seat to his right.
Josh Washington. You’d exchanged full names at the second breakfast you shared, but thought nothing of it. But you knew this story, and put it together easily in your head. You wanted to say something desperately, but what could you even say? What wouldn’t upset him more?
Finally you decided to just speak your mind.
“Josh,” you said quietly to keep the conversation intimate. His eyes sought yours, a little lost, but clearer.
“Yeah?”
“I’m not expecting you to talk about it, so don’t think that’s what I want from you. I just want to say, I put two-and-two together, and I realize I’ve heard about your family.” You saw his teeth sink into his bottom lip. Please dear god, don’t hate me. You wanted to smack yourself, but now you’d opened up the box and you needed to deal with its contents. “I just want to say I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in…but I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”
Your body felt completely frozen as you waited for his reply, if there would even be one. As long as his eyes kept flickering to you, you couldn’t move. Finally, he fell into that empty but excruciating place again, and you thought it might be better if he had some space.
However, as you rose to your feet your ears caught a weak: “No.” When you turned, Josh was gazing at you with an exceptionally broken look. “Don’t go.”
July 2014
“Ok, no. That was so disgusting!” You exclaim as the credits roll. “Thank god it’s over!”
Josh looked highly amused. Clearly he did not expect you to make it through the whole thing. You’d spent the rest of it hiding your face in his arm and making displeased sounds, but you did make it. “I’m impressed,” he praised and ruffled your hair. “Thought I was gonna lose you for a bit!”
“You know I don’t back down from a challenge, Joshua Washington.”
It was meant as a joke, but it sparked something else in your friend. “That’s one of my favorite things about you, (y/n). You know how to hang in there.”
You had a feeling you knew what he was referring to, but you were never one to assume. “What do you mean?” His arm was looped securely around your shoulder, so nice and warm. Your skin tingled when you felt his cheek press to your hair. Did he even know what he was doing to you?
“I’m not an easy person to deal with.”
A smile parted your lips. Not an amused one, but a content one. “You have family and friends who love you, Josh.”
“Yeah,” his thumb stroked the side of your neck. “But not many of them see the rough shit. Not many people would stick around after seeing me shut down, or spend the night screaming just because I happened to look at a picture of Hannah and Beth for a little too long. They pretty much see the person I would be if I wasn’t so fucked up.”
This night was going too well to see Josh drag himself into another hole. No way were you going to let him walk that path. “Look at me,” you twisted a little so you could turn his head to face you. While focused on those eyes you stated, “Josh, that is you. Yes, you are sad, you get angry, you’re pissed and fed up. But, you’re also the funny, loving guy that you show to your friends.” When he still looked distressed you added, “OH! And obnoxious and loud. I forgot those two things.”
That shook him out of it a bit. “So I’m loud and obnoxious, huh?”
“Yes, sir. That’s what I said.”
“I think you forgot a few things.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?” You folded your arms across your chest, defiant and playful.
“Charming.”
You bit your lip, trying to not laugh. “Really now?”
“Absolutely.”
“Ok, next?”
“Insanely good-looking.” He flashed an endearing smile.
This time you let a laugh slip. “Fine, I won’t fight you there.”
Josh was definitely encouraged by this and leaned in a little close. “Ah, so you really think so?”
Fire was racing through you, heart definitely pounding. He was playing your bantering game a little too hard, and it would hurt so badly at this point if it was all a joke. The way he was looking at you made you so hyper-aware of your body, every pulsation, every rush in your chest. “Depends,” you teased, the word coming out a little breathier than you would have liked. His hands had tightened on you. Not uncomfortably in any fashion. More in the fashion of a man who had a long-awaited prize in his grasp.
“Depends on what?”
His eyes were so trained on yours that it might have unnerved someone else, but you knew this look, this was the passionate look reserved for very few things on this planet. There was no going back now, like on that first day of meeting him at the hospital. Everything would change.
“Depends on if you think I’m as pretty as you are good-looking.” You desperately tried to joke.
Josh didn’t need a moment to contemplate his answer: “I think you’re beautiful.”
March 2014
Josh looked so relieved when he returned to the common area after seeing his psychiatrist. It was amazing what just two weeks could do. He was clearly not completely healed up, still suffering at more times than not, but he was no longer a danger to himself – and he actually smiled when talking to you. His eyes were not so cloudy anymore, even turning up slightly at the corners when you made him laugh.
“You seem happy today,” you stated as he came sauntering over.
Today was rough for you, though. The meds were taking their sweet time. Of course you felt better since you first started them, but there was still a long way to go. The depression ached so terribly at times that you could barely breathe, but at least you had him to talk you through the pain. He knew how it felt and made you feel less alone.
“I am,” he plopped his body next to you on the faded couch. “I’m being discharged soon!”
Everything stopped: your breathing, your thinking, your hand that had been idly scribbling on a piece of paper in an attempt to find some stress relief.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he leaned back against the cushion to stare at the ceiling. “Just two days.”
Your insides were lava and your limbs were numb. You wanted to be happy, and you were. It made you so happy to know this guy who couldn’t even speak the first time you met him was getting out. But all the same, he was your partner in crime. The only buffer from the hell inside your head.
After what seemed like an eternity you let out a single, “Wow.”
He was staring into space, probably contemplating what the step meant. “Yeah...definitely wow.” Green eyes slid your direction, waiting for you to say something. Anything.
“Will we ever see each other again?”
“Why the hell wouldn’t we?”
At that moment the nurse came in wheeling the nighttime medication cart. Josh was on his feet but had no intention of leaving you there looking like he’d punched you in the stomach.
“C’mon. You don’t wanna be at the back of the line, do you?”
You’d miss that little smirk he was wearing.
July 2014
Beautiful. He’d called you beautiful.
He sounded so serious, but you knew him. You two yanked each other’s’ chains all the time, and if this was one of those times he needed to stop. Things were too real and you wanted every part of him a little too badly.
“Joshua Washington, I swear to god…”
“What?” He scooted closer, eyes a little hazy with something you’ve never seen. His forehead pressed to yours. Was he testing your reaction?
Hesitantly, you cupped his cheek with your hand and closed your eyes. In the silence you could tell that his breathing was just as irregular as yours. Seconds ticked by like hours, but then he turned his head to kiss your palm. How you didn’t fall to pieces was beyond you.
Josh hastily pushed you down onto the soft leather couch and his lips claimed yours before you could even register the cool of the leather against your back. Your fingers slid instinctively up his back to weave home in his hair. The resulting moan made your insides squirm. No one had ever driven you this insane.
Warm hands slid up your sides. They were a little rough but confident, and you expected it no other way. The AC was turned up very high due to the July weather so the heat was very welcome against the goosebumps rising all over your body. Somewhere between breaths and kisses your tank top was gone.
Well, if he was going to play that game, you would too. His blue t-shirt was soft against your skin. So soft you almost mourned its loss sensation when you yanked it over his head. Almost. Now lean muscle brushed against you instead, instantly rocketing your pulse into outer space.
It wasn’t that you weren’t familiar with this body, because you absolutely were. His parents had a world-class swimming pool, and there had been several fun get-togethers with friends to use it once the warm weather hit. Any guy in the group looked skinny next to Mike, it was true. But you didn’t like your men so built. Josh hit the perfect sweet spot in between buff and skinny and you’d always made sure to appreciate it as subtly as you could when he was wearing just his trunks.
But oh you paid for it when he did notice you sneaking looks. The worst was the one time you were sunbathing with the girls and he had the balls to whisper in your ear, “Like what you see? Because I definitely do.” These words were punctuated by his fingers tracing a blazing path up your arm and over the sweetest spot on your neck.
“Josh, you are the worst ever!” You shouted after him, spilling your drink in the process.
All he did was laugh and jump into the pool. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, (Y/n)! You might want to cool off, though. Your face is getting a little red!” This sent the girls into a fit that you couldn’t recover from.
That was always his way. Pushing your buttons. Somehow knowing your body better than you did. It may have pissed you off back then, but oh were you ever grateful for it now.
Josh rolled his tongue over that very same spot on your neck and you nearly screamed. You’d pent up this want for so long. Now it was boiling over, making every nerve a blazing channel through your body. Lips and teeth grazed that same spot next, finally bringing your undoing. You were tired of teasing. That was all you’d done since the two of you had left the hospital and the throbbing ache was unbearable. Clearly he was of the same mindset, with the proof of his want pressed against your thigh. Two pairs of shorts did little to conceal how hard he was.
“I want you.”
By the look on his face you could tell he’d been wanting those words for a long time.
March 16, 2014
You sat there, pen in hand, hating the paper in front of you. Art wasn’t your strong suit, but it still brought relief to sketch and doodle, and boy did you need that relief today.
Josh was leaving in only a few hours and you were trying your best not to make him feel rotten about it. He’d become your partner in crime so quickly that it would seem strange to the outside world. But that’s how things happened in places like this. You’d hold onto anything, anyone, and when you found that thing it was the greatest relief. That person you’d look forward to seeing in the morning. That person who empowered you to speak just a little more in group. That person who you let in deeper than others around you. Not even the doctors would hear what you said to that person.
You knew this truth because this wasn’t your first crash and burn into the hospital…but even so, Josh was even more of an anchor than anyone before. You were both so broken, but the most broken people know how to build themselves up again. It just so happened that you and Josh had a greater understanding of each other’s blueprints than the both of you knew your own.
How would you be able to deal with this loss? You knew you’d eventually leave the hospital, but what if he decided he wanted to put this behind him once he was adjusted to the world outside again? You’d done it before. It was defense. No one wants to go back to Hell, not even in memories.
“(Y/n).”
Damn. When did you grow so attached to your name from his lips?
“Josh…”
He plucked the pen from your fingers and sat down next to you. Next he stole your paper to scribble something on it. You were a little confused, but when he handed it to you, you felt your chest constrict. It read his name, phone number, and eight words that motivated you to get out of the hospital even faster. It read:
Call me when you get out of here.
July 2014
“Parents won’t be home until tomorrow,” Josh breathed feverishly against your neck.
Perfect.
Moments later you were comfy on his bed upstairs. You’d been to his room countless times, but never with shivers running races over your spine. More tingles assaulted you when his lips frantically covered yours.
Clothes littered the room in minutes, leaving just your naked bodies. Josh was clearly drinking the sight of you in. Every curve, every line, every imperfection (but he’d argue there were one). The only time he broke your shared gaze was to swoop his hand under the bed to retrieve a condom.
You raised your eyebrows. A stash here? Really?
The expression put a grin on his face, the kind you liked. “Hey, at least I have one. Right?” With that he was ripping the wrapper open with his teeth, disregarding your eye roll.
“Were you thinking about seducing me, Josh?” You ask with a smirk on your lips.
“Look, sometimes things happen and you need to be prepared.”
You laughed. God knows why he had them, but it didn’t matter anymore when his lips met yours again and he slammed home inside you.
A single, sharp gasp filled the air. Several agonizingly slow thrusts followed with Josh eagerly observing your expressions. You wound your legs around his hips as you made small mewling sounds. That encouraged him, made him ache more, made him need release more. Every moment of your walls sliding against him was torture and bliss. It had taken you both too long to get to this point. To damn long. With a particularly passionate thrust he hit an incredible spot inside you which drew the most lovely sounds from your mouth. Fire blazed in his eyes, threatening to consume you. Maybe it already had, you had never felt so warm inside.
“Josh…”You hardly recognized your voice in its husky tone.
Out of instinct your arms clasped around his neck, one hand lacing in his hair. You gave a small tug and he moaned a delicious, low sound in your ear. Goosebumps raced over your skin.
Dear god, this man was going to be the end of you.
Josh’s cheeks were flushed with exertion when he pulled back to look at you again. He adjusted the tilt of your hips just so into the perfect angle. Now every brush of him inside you was white hot, making every nerve beg for release. You tugged him in close to press your forehead to his and whimpered out: “Please, please, please, Josh…I can’t take it anymore.” Your insides were aching now and every pulse was a demand, not a request.
Teeth sought your earlobe and then came the shaky whisper: “Please, what?” You could feel his grin against your cheek.
Your mouth parted but nothing came out but unintelligible sounds of pleasure. Josh wasn’t having it, though. Slowing his pace, he challenged again. “What do you want, (Y/n)?”
“Jesus Christ, Joshua.” You used your grip in his hair to yank him close, nose-to-nose and in a frustrated hiss his answered him: “I need you to make me cum. Please.” The pleased look on his face made it clear that that was all he wanted.
One hand sought your right thigh and hoisted it over his shoulder. That was the spot. It only took a few more bucks of his hips to send you over and vice tight around him. Your cries of release echoed throughout the house, followed shortly by his. Apparently you two could never be too far from each other and this was no exception.
Both of you lay there panting for a good few moments before turning to each other with the dumbest, happiest smiles on your faces. Josh pulled your body to his, content and sated. He’d had a few girls before he dropped out of college, but this was the best by miles.
Ring-a-ding-a-ding!!
Your eyes shot open. “Fuck…”
Ring-a-ding-a-ding!!
The call beckoned again from the living room where the Saw menu was still looping on the TV.
“Is that your med alarm?”
“Yes.” You groaned.
“Go get it.”
You made a sound of protest and snuggled closer. The damn things never let you rest. Not even tonight. You’d kill for a night where you didn’t have keep an ear out for that ringtone.
“(Y/n)…” He protested but you only let out a heavy sigh. “I’ll get it,” he finally replied in a gentler tone and stood to pull on a pair of sweatpants. “Which one is it?”
“The Lithium.”
“Gotcha. I’ll be right back.”
You resented his absence. Any distance was too far, especially now.
Josh returned moments later with two round pills and a glass of water. “Here.” He extended the items to you then dug out his own pill bottle out of his pants pocket.
People often viewed Josh as someone who could snap at any moment, who wasn’t all there at times, who wasn’t safe to be around when he was in pain, but you found that way of thinking absurd. Yeah, the guy was one of the most broken people you’d ever known. Yes, he could be a complete asshole in an instant when in pain. Hell, he might not give a shit about what happened to himself, but he cared about you. Every damn time he made you take your medicine he was saving your life. Saving you from going back to the Hell of the hospital.
Joshua Washing was a very, very complex human being. But then again, so were you.
March 20, 2014
Josh watched his mother prepare lunch in the kitchen with a withdrawn expression. Life was hard to get used to again after being in the hospital for so long. He was slowly getting the hang of it, but sometimes even the vastness of his home was overwhelming. His head had just reached the counter when his cell phone startled him back into reality.
The whole crew had all been so worried about him that his phone had been blowing up constantly. He wondered who was calling this time, but the number on the screen was actually an unknown caller.
“Hello?” He murmured tiredly into the phone.
“Hey Josh, it’s (Y/N). Want to meet up?”