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Aching Souls and Blueprints
06:20
His sisters…his sisters…Hannah…Beth…
What the fuck even was that thing with Hannah’s tattoo? He’d high-fived her for her bravery after she’d gotten it, because she’d been so nervous. There was no way that mess of a monster was the baby sister that he’d supported and loved. No fucking way.
Josh slid down the wall where that thing had thrown him. Damn thing nearly clunked his lights out but by some miracle he was still awake, and maybe a little less out of it too. At least he was in the mindset where he could worry about Mike. Mike…Mike and Chris had been assholes. They’d tied him to a stool in a freezing shed, but he knew they wouldn’t have left him there if they’d known about those creatures.
He had to find out where Mike had gone. Where Chris had gone. The wall he’d been using to put himself upright crumbled under his hands, sending him slumping to the ground again.
Wait…
FUCK.
You were still tied to a chair. In that room. The room that no one knew about.
What was he going to do? Goddammit, he was such an idiot. His chest crushed underneath not only that you were in danger, but also the truth he’d really fucked up.
Revenge wasn’t the best medicine. You were.
Something whispered in the darkness and Josh clutched his head. Was that even real? He hoped it wasn’t. He prayed none of this was real. The only one thing was true was that:
He had been stupid. So very, very stupid.
Day 1
You’d told the police that he was still there, but you weren’t sure they were listening. They only seemed to be interested in the tangible survivors of that hell. On one level you couldn’t blame them. After all, they had eight rattled people to take care of, and every single one of them was clearly emotionally broken.
Still, you expressed that they needed to go back to the mine every chance you could. Someone had to hear you if you said it enough. Right?
All of the group had been encouraged to seek the services of a therapist but that seemed counter-productive to you. How would someone of sane mind ever believe the absolutely insane things that they’d all seen? And it didn’t really matter anyway. Nothing a therapist could have said would make you ok.
Not unless they could pull Josh out of thin air.
So dark.
So, so, so, so dark.
How much time had passed? It felt like an eternity…or even just a few seconds depending on his current state of mind.
Maybe he’d die. Maybe he’d starve. He was sure you were starving too.
“Josh…you’re a fucking idiot.” He berated himself. “Nice going as always. Let your sisters get killed, left (Y/n) to die. You’re a monster.”
If he could get back to you it would feel redeeming in some sense. You may never forgive him, but at least you would be safe.
Day 2
“He did some fucked up things, but I love him so much.”
The therapist leaned forward in her chair, wanting to make you more comfortable. “To use your words, if I may, you said he did some ‘fucked up’ things.”
You nodded, more to yourself, eyes downcast. “He…played terrible tricks on our friends. Scared the absolute crap out of them. He pretended that he was a psychopath that was going to try to kill them.” A deep sigh escaped you.
“Were you scared too?”
Your teeth sunk into your lip. “No…he’d told me he was going to do it way before we went up to the lodge. I don’t think he was serious until he pretended to abduct me.” The therapist nodded for you to go on. “He wanted me to be kept out of it. Didn’t want me mixed up in all the fear…especially because at a point he apparently faked his own death. That’s at least what Chris told me.”
“So your boyfriend, Josh, he locked you away in a room while everyone else was experiencing these terrifying ‘pranks.’ How did you get out of there?”
“…I managed to wiggle out of the ropes he’d used to tie me to a chair…and by the time I got out I was running, and then there were all those things!”
“He even tied you up?”
You could hear the therapist carefully re-stating the information you just gave, but you knew she was analyzing the whole situation with a fine comb that wasn’t in Josh’s favor. On one hand you couldn’t blame her. She was hearing an outsider’s view and had never known Josh. She’d never seen the parts of him that you had. Of course all she would recognize was that a boyfriend had “kidnapped” his girlfriend, tied her to a chair, and then ran off to terrorize your friends.
Still, you urged that he’d never hurt you. He had been unable to come back for you. And he wasn’t responsible for the Wendigo’s destruction.
Clearly it all sounded crazy. Hell, maybe you’d even be committed. Again.
It was even darker than before. At least he thought so, who knows. All he knew for sure was that fucking hell he was hungry.
“You left us.” Beth and Hannah whispered in his ear. “Why did you want us to die, Josh?”
No, no, no, no¸ this was not happening again.
Josh covered his ears and sunk to the floor. Maybe if he just didn’t listen…maybe…
“Look at us!” The voice commanded and he obeyed.
There they were, rotting, oozing, and staring, just like before. Their glazed, foggy eyes were fixed on him, observing the state he’d fallen to. Josh couldn’t breathe under their gaze. Finally he mustered the strength to scramble backwards only to bump into something else. When he looked up he screamed.
No…that couldn’t be. His lips parted, wanting to say your name but nothing came out. “(Y/n)…” he finally whimpered out a broken sound. This time he couldn’t make himself look away from the charred, withering body starting down at him. “You’re not dead,” he sobbed. “I kept you safe!”
“No, Josh. You did what you wanted with me.”
No, no, no, no.
“I told you not to take revenge on our friends. We all cared about you.”
“You…” Since when did his heart reside in his stomach? “You…you love me. You still care.”
Suddenly all three of the most important women in his life were staring down at him with solemn features.
“No.” You stated and then joined by Hannah and Beth the three of you added, “None of us do anymore, Josh.”
Josh tried to scream but couldn’t even seek solace in that. Nothing escaped him as his world went back.
Day 3
All of you sat in silence. Normally there was so much noise when having lunch at Friday’s, but with Josh gone it seemed like there was no air in the room. Visiting the favorite group hangout was dead now. Going there was an effort to have a good time, and was an admirable attempt, but it didn’t work. There was no bantering back and forth between the guys now. No squealing and giggling from you and the girls.
Nothing, except a booth that was so silent and constricting that it felt as if the space had been vacuum sealed.
“I…” you shoved the word out of your throat and everyone’s eyes shot up as if you’d been an explosion in an empty room. “I’m glad we’re all here.”
I miss him so much that I can’t breathe.
You curled your legs up in the space next to you that had been left for Josh. No one had intentionally done it. It just happened. Like the two of you just happened. Like Blackwood had just happened. Like him being left in a mine to die had just happened.
Something in you snapped and you started to cry. Unfortunately the tears came out harder than you wanted and everyone scrambled to find you napkins.
“H-He hurt…everyone…” You gasped between shuddered breaths.
Mike rested a hand on your shoulder. “He did, but we didn’t want him to die.” Mike, always-knowing-what-to-say-in-any-situation Mike, was unable to say more. In saving his girl he’d killed an innocent man whom you loved. No, Josh wasn’t innocent of the terrorizing them, but he was not a murderer by any means.
Part of you wished he was a killer. Maybe you would hate him then. Maybe his name would bring a bad taste to your mouth then. Maybe you wouldn’t love him anymore…
No. That was a stupid line of thinking. You never could. He was the only one in the world who you felt at peace with.
You put your head down, refusing to lift it even when the waitress came by.
“Is she ok?” The woman asked with concern.
Sam fished around in your purse and you didn’t care. “She needs a drink.” With that she handed over your i.d.
When you lifted your head, your mascara was splattered around your eyes and cheeks like Rorschach blots. With a sympathetic frown the waitress checked your i.d which read (F/n L/n) (Eye color) (height) (21), the oldest in the group, even trumping Josh by a year and making you the only one eligible for this comfort…at least at a restaurant.
“This one’s on the house.”
He’d never been this hungry in his life. EVER. Hell, he never really knew what it was like to be too hungry because there was always food to be had.
A wry smirk crossed his lips: Except when he was hungry for you. Any time he couldn’t have you was like he was starving to death.
The hallucinations had faded but the half-sober state wasn’t any better. Now he was hungry and petrified.
The sound of water greeted him. Great, he’d been circling around the same freezing pit for…damn, however long it had been. This time he had burning eyes and desperation turning his veins to channels of sludge. At least he could take a drink. Who knows what was in it, but what did it matter? The chances of leaving this hell hole were slim.
Josh made an uncomfortable sound when the cold wet hit his face and then went down his throat. He found that the shock of the shuddering temperature directed him toward a little more sanity, though it had less and less of an affect every time.
Unfortunately, his luck had run out. Even with this mental tourniquet, the world and his thoughts continued to swirl around him. There would be no more relief.
He staggered back from the pool as if it had accosted him and crawled as far away as he could. Hissing sounds filled Josh’s ears again, even louder this time. He whimpered “no” as he scrambled away to avoid the voices, but they only became louder. Where was he? Why was the ground moving? Why—
There was something new laying by the water. Something he’d never noticed before in his agonizing stay. What could it be? As he crept closer he started regretting his curiosity. As he grew closer he realized that it was another person…but they weren’t moving.
He recognized their hair. It was that pretty (hair color) that you’d always had. Quickly he realized that the body had your face and that skirt you’d been wearing when he locked you away for his stupid form of safety…it also had that bracelet he’d bought you.
Fuck, fuck fuck, NO.
He scooped the body into his arms, letting out a scream when your head bent back with the sound of cracking bones. The more he looked the more he realized how mangled you were. Your clothes were muddy, your hair was damp with blood, decaying flesh eating up the skin he’d touched so many times.
Josh thought that wandering aimless and starving was hell, but he was so wrong. Watching you disintegrate in front of him, completely devoid of the brightness you’d once had, that was hell.
Day 15
“In a relationship with Josh Washington”
How many times were you going to punish yourself? You refused to change your relationship status. You just….couldn’t.
You scrolled through all the pages of photos the two of you had taken and posted on Facebook, with friends and Josh. Yes, he looked a bit sad at times, a little dark under the eyes, but overall they were good memories. It was so hard to tell where he’d started to go downhill and plotted to tear all your lives apart. Especially hard because he had this glow in the pictures that involved just the two of you. When did that stop being enough?
Buzzz. Buzzz. Buzzz.
Your hands sought the phone halfheartedly and put it to your ear. “Hello?”
Sam’s soothing voice came from the other end. “Hey, (Y/n). Everyone’s going out tonight. Wanna come?”
All that came out was a groan.
“You can’t hide in there forever, (Y/n).” When you hesitated she added, “You know Josh would want you to go out.”
Tears pricked your eyes. “Ok, ok, I’ll meet you guys tonight. Where and when?”
“The usual coffee place. Does five o’clock sound good?”
“Sound perfect,” you dropped the phone unceremoniously onto the bed and let out a sigh that you’d been holding in all day. Everyone was trying so hard to get over it, but it wasn’t the same. They all had their significant others to hold on to for support. Yours...yours was decomposing in a mine somewhere.
Buzzz. Buzzz. Buzzz.
“Oh for Pete’s sake,” You ripped the phone from the bed, placed it to your ear, and grumbled out a “What Sam!? I said I’d--”
“It’s not Sam, (Y/n).”
What?
“Is this a joke? Because if it is it’s not funny.”
“N-no, (Y/n) please! I’m s-sorry for not listening to you. It all kinda ended r-real badly, huh?”
You were silent. What should you say?
A pained sound came from the other end of the phone. “Please say something, even if it’s that you hate me.”
“NO!” You shouted a little louder than you intended to. “Oh dear god, Joshua!”
He let out a breath on the other end. “I’m at Ocean View. W-will you come see me?”
“Will I come see you, that’s hilarious. When?”
“There’s visiting hours at four.”
You’d arrived at the hospital at 3:30 and begged with all your might to be let in early. Surprisingly, hospital security actually listened to your request. Maybe it was your pale face or the way your make up was running down your cheeks. Or maybe it was the way you were crying that you thought he was dead. Nevertheless, you entered the adult ward at 3:40 sharp.
One of the nurses sat you on a couch in a room that was greener than you really needed it to be. There was no calmness in places like this no matter what color they were. But you recognized this room. Your parents had visited you here and now you were on the other side as a visitor. It felt so strange.
Funny how you can recognize the footsteps of people you care about. Josh’s had good stride and a good weight to them with a little hint of a shuffle. You could hear them and it made your heart kick alive. What would he look like when you saw him? What would you say? What would he say?
When he appeared in the door frame breath went out.
Josh, your Josh, and those green eyes. He looked a mess, but no worse than on the video tapes before Mike had knocked him out. Your mind had played cruel games on you over the past weeks, fantasizing what would happen if you found him alive, but the response was never like this. Silence filled the room but it was perfect, comfortable silence.
The worn-down, over-worked nurse advised him that he had an hour then left the two of you alone.
Finally you murmured out his name. Or did you? It was so quietly that you questioned if you had.
Having him sit next to you was unreal. You had to be dreaming. There was no way this was happening.
“(Y/n)…” He could barely look at you so you gently rested your hands on his cheeks and helped him. Damn it, he still took your air away.
You pressed your forehead to his for a long moment, tears pooling in your eyes, his closing to savor the moment. “How are you alive?”
“I…d-don’t know…” He murmured. “Apparently I was i-in really bad shape when they found me. I thought you had fallen down in the mine and died and…and…they f-found m-me holding a dead body--”
“It’s ok,” you stopped him. “I just don’t understand why your parents didn’t tell me…I’ve been in so much pain. I can’t explain it in words. It hurt so much.”
“They didn’t want you to see me like that. (Y/n)…I was hallucinating up until a f-few days ago. Hard-core stuff…l don’t know what happened.”
“I’m afraid I’m hallucinating now,” you joked. You immediately regretted it though, but it actually made Josh laugh. Not the way he used to, but enough that you knew he could get through this.
“All I could think o-of was you.” Josh said quietly, making you turn your gaze to him. “It tortured me…what I saw…b-but if it hadn’t been for you…” He stroked your hair, shuddering at the bloody memory. “I’d be dead.” He finally murmured with his lips to your forehead.
“Then good thing I met a good guy with the most amazing eyes ever last winter, huh?” You smiled, moving as close as you could to him so you could rest your head on his shoulder.
Josh pressed his cheek to your hair and sighed in contentment. “”Amazing green eyes?’ You’ve never told me that one.”
A tiny smirk formed on your lips. “Well, didn’t want you getting too full of yourself.”
This was going to be a long road. You both knew it, it was no secret, but it was ok.
It would all be ok.
Because you knew his blueprint by heart.