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Today we fought.
It's a petty fight. Very childish, but it has deep roots that hurt us both.
It was after work. I came home with breakfast and was preparing to eat. He turned on the stream showing me a blonde vtuber making noises on a karaoke stream. I didnt kike how he got into vtubers. I didn't like that it took most of his time with me. Our usual movie/series chill sessions has turned into random streams watching on influencers I'm not into. At least for series and movies, i get into it. But not just with them. Like i have a choice anyway. When i ask to watch something else, he'd say I'm a hater. Now, he can tell I'm not feeling it. I want to watch something else but he says look what you've missed. I looked at the stream, it was Ame sticking her head out of the cartoon table. I told him, I didn't miss it. I miss him more. And then he tells me I'm a hater.
He says I don't like him being happy doing something that makes him happy.
And i told him an itch cause what the hell like I haven't done anything for this man's happiness but hell i say, Yeah I don't like seeing him happy without me.
And everything went south. While i ate, watching another window on my laptop of a youtuber's day out with her family in Thailand, i told him what I've done to make him happy. I was joking that I don't want to see him happy with anything else, although that was half meant, i still think that i do make him happy.
Silence...
I paused the video and looked at discord. A red sign telling that he had himself muted this entire time. I kept my lips pursed and muted myself from the headphones. I dont like his games.
While i ate i thought of how many times i made him happy. I looked it up in our chats just searching for the word happy.
Happy birthday...
Happy monthsary...
Happy new year...
Then i saw two of his messages saying that he has me cause i made him happy. Out of the 6 pages in the entire search i only found 2.
My heart dropped. And then the last message dated back in 2018. It was a month after i met him.
It was me begging, telling him my insecurities, all my fears. I asked him, and begged him not to leave. And like ice, i froze and looked at my pathetic old self. I was insecure and i held him on a pedestal like a god. I still do. But now i see his human eyes, his uneven skin and his mistakes. He's not as perfect as what he's used to. And that's why i loved him more throughout these years. Cause he wasn't a marble statue that i take care of, afraid he'll get a scratch. But i cared for him cause I didn't like the way his brow furrowed or his eyes got red. I liked seeing him go through emotions but his tears hurt me too. That's why i wanted to be with him in the first place cause i love him.
He messaged me and i feel like i wanna punch him. He calls me a manipulator. On what cause? He's always free to do whatever he wants anyway. And just like that he took away sleep. Me? Manipulator?
Im tired and alone. I replied and hoped he'll call me back.
I said im sorry. Always the first one to say it but i don't know if my apologies are enough. I say them too many times, now. More than thank you but less than i love you.
Why am i crying anyway? Im still pathetic.
I hate myself but im hoping his love is enough to keep me alive.
If he still does.