Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He doesn’t want to act this way; he doesn’t want to be a danger to those around him. he wants to finally let go of everything that went wrong with him and just be himself. However, he can’t. He is stuck in a never-ending loop that he can’t do anything about because of what he is. An animal. He knows of nothing else other than being an animal. That is what he is used to after all. Being treated as such. An animal for people to use and control as if he was never a person in the first place. He can’t remember how he was before the incident, before he forgot everything about himself. Was he a good person? Did he have friends? A lover? Anyone that cared about him? Perhaps he had a child – one that is now without a father as he can’t remember anything about himself. He hopes that if he does have a kid then they’re okay on their own. They don’t need an animal as a father anyway. He wants to be free from this burden, he wants to be normal, but he’s never felt normal before and it would be impossible to be normal now. He can imagine it though – being human, being like everyone else, not being feared by everyone who looks his way because he’s a freak and he knows that. Even with the mutants he’s still considered a freak. A feral is what they call him. A mutant that’s never been loved and has been raised to be nothing but an animal so much that he doesn’t know anything and that scares everyone around him, even though they’re as much freaks as he is.

So, he sits in the woods, hiding from the rest of the world because such a world doesn’t deserve to see a feral monster that doesn’t even know how to communicate his own goddamn name. All he can do is growl like the animal he is, when they took his memories, they took all from him. All what he thought it was to be human and left a lost, feral animal alone with no help. Since then, he has been trying to live his life as an animal in the woods. So far it has worked out, everyday he gets up, he hunts and eats his meat raw. He leaves the bloody bodies of animals in a trail as he finds another place to rest each night for, he knows he cants stay in one spot for too long or they will find him and god forbid. He doesn’t know what they’ll do with him if they take him. He can’t remember his past but he does remember the pain and loss he got from being in humanity which is why he believed it was better to stay behind in the woods. Let everyone else live their life without a feral monster being stuck with them with no way out. He is used to being a burden – sure he doesn’t remember who he was a burden too but he does remember the constant pain of being a burden to someone that he believed loved him. If only he could remember the name or face of them. All he gets are little glimpses that help him in no way to identify who it was that actually loved him.

Right now, Logan – the wolverine – was asleep in the woods as he always was. This time he found a nice spot next to a small river that was filled with not only clean water but lots of fish for logan to eat. Perhaps if this spot seems safe then he may be able to stay there for a bit and finally rest his pain-filled body. He won’t have to worry about anyone else disturbing him and hurting him – just as he always has to worry about. He hopes it happens because he doesn’t know how long he can keep running. Every time he does it just pains him over and over again. He hopes he can finally rest. But tonight, really wasn’t the night for that.

He began to struggle in his sleep, tossing and turning, mumbling incoherent words under his breath. He began to growl as his claws were unleashed in the silent woods. He was the only thing that could be heard for miles. His voice became louder as he growled, he called out names that not even he recognised himself. He wanted out, he wanted to get out. Out of his own head, his own body. Just anything.

He reached out for something beside him, something that was usually there but this time there was a loss of. A body – the body of someone he loved but no longer recognised. The body of a woman he had once loved and was completely devoted for but now doesn’t remember her at all. Not even her name. She was completely erased from his memory and now he was just craving something that he didn’t remember.

He woke up in a fit of terror. He didn’t register where he was, just that he needed someone beside him – the body that was no longer there. He cried out like a howl of sadness, the pit in his stomach got bigger as he growled and stabbed the ground beside him with his unleashed claws. How could he forget someone that was so important to him? Why doesn’t he remember her? All he remembers is how she made him feel, the love, the hatred, the pain, the anger that he had all felt with being with her. He remembered the last emotion as clear as day. A powerful mix of loss, sadness and confusion. The body – of her – it had fallen and he felt all those emotions at once as he felt his body finally collapse and by the time he woke up – he was changed. He has no memory, no relocation of who he was. And that was the last time he had ever felt human.

He got up from the rocky ground that he had been sleeping on and he let his growls fall soft. He opened his mouth, trying to speak, trying to show himself that he can be human after all. But those words fall silent and nothing leaves his mouth but a growl. The growl of an animal.

He walked over to the river, it was calm, soft, the clear water showed the number of fish sleeping peacefully. Something he has never gotten. Which in return made him angry, he stabbed his claws into the water and picked up fish that had been caught in his claws. He stared at the fish and watched as their eyes began to lose his soul. He watched it and he didn’t feel a thing for it. He was an animal after all. An animal that killed and got what he wanted. Every time he kills, he feels the humanity slowly slipping away from his mind, his body, his soul and he becomes more like a wild feral animal. The one that everyone had always referred to him as.

At this point he no longer cared what people thought of him. He was used to it and it would be very unlikely that another human or mutant will ever see him again. He was fine being alone – he was never good with others.

As he continued to stare at the fish, he ripped them off his claws and ate them in an instant. Watching as the rest of the fish scurred away, not wanting to deal with the same fate as their fellow fish had. He smirked at that – it was much easier when things were scared of him. It made it easier to not have to try and talk to anything – as words were never able to leave his mouth. As he ate the fish, he finally heard something in the distance. He froze, it didn’t sound like an animal. It sounded like a human. But why would a human ever be this deep into the woods? It was much further than any town or city. It was the middle of no where and no one should be here. It was dangerous – especially with him here.

He began to step back; he knew it was better to run away then go confront them. He didn’t want to deal with humans, he didn’t want to kill more people. But isn’t this what he was talking about? No more running away? No more trying to avoid whatever he was. Maybe they could help – no. Humans were never reliable, they only caused pain. He was stuck with two options and he didn’t know what one to choose – and he needed to choose quick because he could hear their footsteps getting louder with every second.

He couldn’t have them find him – no matter how much he wanted to go back to being human – no matter the pain, no matter how much everything hurt him, it was still better than being alone, isolated, so much to the point he can’t even remember how to be himself. Even if he did have his memory, would he remember how to be human if he was stuck in the same isolation he had always had? Would he still be able to talk? Would he not remain feral and try to work on himself rather than letting himself fall behind?

The more he thought about it the more he realised that maybe the humanity inside him wasn’t completely gone, maybe he still had some left inside him, deep down. Craving to come out, begging it’s owner that it isn’t an animal but a human that had been through so much. The more he thought the closer the footsteps came. He froze more, he could run now, but would they catch up? Would they hunt him instead? He doesn’t believe the human kind are now accepting of his kind. He knows better than that. He knows that they’re probably scared of every other mutant there is. Even if they never meant any harm towards anyone.

The footsteps creeped closer to the point where he could hear their hushed whispers and smell them. He hid behind a tree. He knew he was big but he was short so maybe he was able to hide before they could find him. If he tried to run now than they would definitely know he’s here and they would hurt him. Then he would have no choice but to kill them – losing more and more of his humanity with every kill. Proving to everyone that he is in fact an animal just like they had all called him.

He heard their voices clearer this time. He poked his head out of the bushes next to the tree and watched them, a glare across his grump face.

One was a female that had long, luscious red hair, one with these weird glasses and short brown hair, he was taller than her but not by much, the last one had short white hair. They all wore matching black costumes, an X on all of them. His mind flashed back to where he had seen an X before. He flinched a bit at his own mind reverting back to before he lost his memory “Weapon X” they had called him. They had hurt him. He doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. He needs to stay hidden so they can’t take him back to that awful place.

The red-haired one spoke up, “His presence is still here, his mind is so scattered – filled with so much pain. I’m afraid I cannot read it…” she glanced around, as if she was trying to find him, as if she knew the exact spot where he was – she just wanted to give him a chance to come out himself.

Logan looked around, trying to see if there was any way out without being caught by these strange humans in the black uniforms. He can’t go back to being Weapon X as he was before, he knew better than that, he knew they would hurt him more than they ever hurt him before and this time he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to last the pain that would be put upon him.

This time the one with the weird glasses spoke up as he stared at the trees and bushes near Logan, “Can you locate exactly where he is Jean? It’ll be easier to catch him in a trap and try and calm him in the plane. He is a feral after all” Logan nearly growled at his words but didn’t. He couldn’t get caught, after all, they believed he was just a feral.

The girl – Jean as he came to know – looked at the man in glasses with something in her eyes that he could only identify as sympathy and pity, the white-haired girl finally spoke up. “Cyclops you acting like this will only drive him away, we must act with caution without any necessary fighting happening, we know he can do harmful damages and so it’ll be better if you just leave it be? Understand?”

The glasses boy – Cyclops? Looked defeated and sighed. “Whatever Storm, let’s just get him, okay?”

Logan finally knew all of their names and was able to identify each of them, they were closer together now, he could leave. He could run and maybe then they wouldn’t trap him. That was until he caught Jeans eyes on him, looking directly into his and it was at that point he knew he was caught.

Chapter Text

To say Logan was terrified was an understatement, he was beyond petrified. What the hell was he supposed to do now that one of them knew exactly where he was. He tried to back away but instead it just created more awareness as he stepped on some sticks behind him, making noise which alerted the other members.

This time Logan knew what his option was.

He had to run.

And run he did, he got up in an instant and began to run through the woods, they’re only human and he knows the woods from the back of his head – fuck his memory loss. He knew where he was going and there was no way a couple of humans could catch up with a well-trained feral mutant. That was until he realised, they were not in fact humans.

Jean and Storm both shot up in the air, following him easily, meanwhile Cyclops followed him, laser-ing every tree they went by. What on earth was he supposed to fucking do? They were mutants liked him and from the look of their costumes – they were with the same people that made him more of an animal than he was before and he knew that he couldn’t go back to them. He would rather die than do that. Getting caught wasn’t an option.

So, he ran, although his legged ached from still not being used to the Adamantium inside his body, he ran for he knew it was his only way to keep the freedom he had so desperately lost his humanity to have. But no matter what he did, they were still right behind him. No matter what turn, no matter what way he went, they were still there. Finally, his legs caught up to him and he collapsed on the hard rocky forest floor. He panted and looked up, his claws unleashed, ready to attack whatever came his way.

Jean landed in front of him and spoke first, “Scott, Storm, stay behind me, he doesn’t know what to do – he’s scared and he is trying to protect himself so just let me talk first, he doesn’t understand”

Understand? Logan understood perfectly. He may not have the ability to speak but he still understood every hurtful word that came out of their mouths and he knew he wasn’t going to go back with them, he was not going to suffer because he let his guard down. He was not going back.

He growls even louder at her, threatening to stab her with his claws, he saw Cyclops – Scott? flinch behind her – it seemed as if he was scared that he would hurt her, perhaps he could use this to his own gain. That was until Jean spoke again.

“Sir – we are just trying to help; we promise you that we are not going to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.” Although he didn’t trust her – cause of course he didn’t trust anyone, but it didn’t matter he was so captivated by her soothing voice, it was as if that maybe he could trust that one thing, maybe she wouldn’t hurt him, maybe for once he would be safe, not have to worry about basic things such as where he would get his food or water from, or if he was ever going to truly ever be safe or if he would stay alone forever.

He opened his mouth, trying to speak but the only thing that came out was a mix between a whimper and a growl. He hated himself for whimpering – he couldn’t show any type of weakness and yet here he did, he was such a bitch.

He saw the expression on all of their faces change from blocked off to clear sympathy and pity. God did he hate it. he didn’t want to be sympathised over, he wasn’t a weak kid, he was over 200 years old for gods sake. He shouldn’t be whimpering over something as stupid as someone showing him a little bit of love. He knew better than to show weakness and yet here he was showing it to three mutants that would definitely tell their boss and then he would be in deep shit.

Jean spoke once more, “You can’t talk, can you? you want to but something is stopping you – perhaps a mental block? I can help you with that if you need me to sir?”

Although he was angry at himself for showing any type of emotion, he couldn’t help but to listen to Jean. He looked at her up and down and walked over to her cautiously. Growling slightly when Scott stepped forward to the both of them.

“Scott, stay back, leave him be or he will run again and I would rather us not fight, he doesn’t understand” Jean spoke once more

There was that word, understand. He understood, he was a feral but he just had trouble speaking, when he got closer to Jean, he sniffed her. She didn’t smell like the lab he came from, or any lab at that matter. Instead, she smelt more like a mix of vanilla and honey which just a touch of hazelnut. She didn’t smell angry or deceitful, she smelt kind. It was at that point that Logan knew that maybe just maybe she could be safe for him.

Jean leaned her hand forward to him, “Just take my hand, be a good boy~ just take my hand, okay?” he growled at that.

He hated it when people treated him as if he was a dog. He understood he was a feral, an animal but he wasn’t a pet. He couldn’t be held upon a leash, even when he was, it wasn’t for long. He always broke out. At least from what he could remember, he doesn’t know much from before the lab. The lab is all he remembers now, other than the occasional flashes from the past, but none of them ever made sense, he knew it was better to let it go. Forget about it, even if he already did. He still clings onto the unknown past of his and it was making him stay human, he knew it was better to submit fully into being a feral but if he did then would he hurt people that were trying to help him just as Jean was trying to do with him? Would he always be destined to hurt everyone around him no matter how human or animal he was? Would he always give into those animalistic instincts because at least it meant he wouldn’t be hurt?

He shook his head at his words and noticed Jeans hand still lingering in front of him. she didn’t mind that he was taking a long time to decode things, it just meant that maybe she was right. Maybe she could control him – at least that’s what Logan thought.

Scott looked angsty, as if he was itching to get beside Jean and save her from something dangerous – him. “Jean – I don’t think he’s going to willingly come, just use your powers for gods sake-”

Jean cut him off “Scott!! Stop being so impatient! He is a feral mutant that we are trying to help – not harm. Plus imagine that, being a feral and not understanding everything and these random people attack him and take him back to their home – do you really expect him to be trusting after that? Do you Scott? Huh?” Jean challenged him, looking mad, Storm was still staying silent, keeping an eye on Logan – when suddenly something got all of their attention. A gruff voice laughing. The laugh was coming from Logan.

Logan couldn’t help it, seeing Scott being absolutely yelled at by Jean was incredibly hilarious, he didn’t even seem to notice his laugh, or the fact that it was his first time laughing in what seems to be like forever. To be honest it probably was forever, even with his memories gone it was clear with how much his muscles hurt when he laughed that as if he hadn’t done that in a very long time.

They were all shocked – including Logan himself, but then Jean smiled, and so did Storm, Scott still looked embarrassed though.

This time Storm finally spoke up, “It seems our feral friend is perhaps not as feral as we once thought. Perhaps he is just a bit misguided? I’m sure with the Professors help that he will be back to normal once more my friends.”

Logan looked with a slightly raised eyebrow, going back to his grumpy face growling at her a bit, he didn’t want them to take him or do anything to him, if he ever had to run and he was no longer feral then he might not last long in the forest alone. Logan had learnt that he must always be prepared for the inevitable.

Storm could tell that he didn’t like that idea – they all could, so once again they needed to find an easy way to get him to go with them without him losing his mind and becoming even more feral on them – potentially hurting them. That’s what everyone always thought about him, that he was going to hurt them, because that’s all a feral could do, right? Hurt other people? Even though, it wasn’t their fault that they turned out that way? That there was more to ferals then just them being bad to others and hurting them. He knew better than everyone that he hurt people – not because he was an animal – but because he was taught to be that type of animal. Not even he really knew why though. He was a violent feral, a violent freak. But he never meant it and every time he hurts someone else, he is reminded of the fact that he is just violent – even if someone hurts him first, its no excuse, for he will always be a violent dog and nothing will fix that.

He looked at them, his eyes filled with something other than rage and hatred, it was filled with despair and hatred – this time the hatred was clear to not be hatred for others but, instead hatred of himself. He didn’t want to be this way, perhaps Jean was telling the truth. Perhaps this time he could finally be safe, he could finally be free of the burden it is to be himself. Even if they don’t keep their promise of his safety and instead hurt him, he hopes they find a way to kill him for he does not know if he should live anymore than he already has. It’s already been 200 years; he has to end at some point. He just hopes its by the hands of the sweet red-headed lady that smells like vanilla and honey with a hint of hazelnut. At least then he will be at peace when he dies.

However, he instead feels a hand on his head, he growls and pulled up his claws out of instinct, he didn’t like people touching him. However, when he saw Jeans facial expression, he couldn’t help but to soften a bit. He allowed it, he pulled down his claws slightly, looking up at her taller body, still glaring at her in hopes she’ll understand that he wont allow anymore than that. It seemed Jean understood and she just smiled down at him.

Jean spoke to him again, “Do you want to come with us? I promise you that where we’re going isn’t anywhere that will hurt you, it will keep you safe – we will keep you safe, as long as you trust us. Or at the very least me.”

Logan understood her completely, he nodded his head mutely but then pointed at the x’s on their uniforms, he clearly didn’t like them, he didn’t like the x’s for some reason unknown to Jean and her crew but Jean knew that she couldn’t get anymore out of him – he couldn’t even talk after all.

“Guys.” Jean spoke softly, her eyes softening at Logan before she glances at her two friends, well friend and lover. “Take off the X on the uniform, I’m not sure why but he doesn’t like them and perhaps he will trust us more if they are taken off? It shows that we’re willing to change for him and adapt to his needs, which is what a pup usually needs”

Pup? That was knew, did he look like some weak defenceless puppy that can’t do a thing? How stupid.

However, when he saw them take the x’s off their uniforms, he knew he could trust them. The people back at Weapon X would rather hurt him or die trying then defy their own uniform.

He watched as Jean lead him to the plane that was deep in the woods, back past Logans last sleeping place. He looked at Jean, he looked at his hand – in which she was holding, and it was in that moment that he knew he would be safe. Even for a little bit.

Chapter Text

They were in the plane, Logan in a grey jacket that they had provided as he only had some shorts in the forest, and Logan was internally freaking out, he was animal, he was used to the ground. He needed the nature; he needed the dirt and leaves in order to be at peace. He was in control on the ground, he had no control in the air. The air was unpredictable and he couldn’t fly, unlike two of the three people that have him trapped in the plane with him. God why did he think it was a good idea to go with them? Even though Jean was the only reason he went, due to her soft voice and her calming scent he was convinced to go but it didn’t mean he still fully trusted them, why would he? Afterall, it had been proven to him time and time again that he would always be betrayed by people in the end. That no matter where he was or who he was with, he would always get betrayed in the end. It was why he had such a hard time trusting others – yet. Why did Jean convince him? What made her so different that he trusted her enough to follow her into a plane even though he knew he would be trapped and would be vulnerable due to the fact they were no longer on the ground.

Jean seemed to notice his discomfort and squeezed his hand – in which she was holding, she smiled at her and god did that smile make Logan feel things he hadn’t in a very long time. Her smile was as warm as the sun on a spring day, her smile reminded him of fresh sunflowers blooming wildly in the forest – it even reminded of someone else, someone he used to know but was now just a forgotten memory in his mind. He looked at their joint hands and looked up at her, with a raised eyebrow, trying to read her eyes for a hint that she was being even a little bit deceitful. But he couldn’t find a thing, what he could see though was Scott beside Jean, looking at their joint hands with clear jealousy. Maybe they were together, Logan thought to himself, they definitely looked like they were, he was so protective over her in the forest even though she seemed to be completely able to take care of herself. He grunted, looking at Scott, trying to bring Jean’s attention to it – which it did.

“Oh, just ignore him darling, Scott is always a little bit of a stuck in the mud, he’s just jealous but you have nothing to worry about, we saved you and you clearly need comfort, so he can simply deal with it, Okay?” Jean glanced over at Scott with a glare clear on her face, Scott groaned and looked away, clearly losing the fight before it even began.

Logan began to think about what she had said. ‘You clearly need comfort’ did he simply look like a weakling to them? He was a feral – weren’t they supposed to be scared of him? Put him in a cage – a collar? But instead, they were just trying to comfort him? How does that even work? He hadn’t even shown them any kindness and yet they – well at least Storm and Jean – showed him more kindness than he has ever had before. It was very weird for him.

Finally, in what seemed like ages, they had finally landed in what seemed like a mansion – that was until the basketball area moved out and revealed a secret base beneath the mansion. That put Logan on alert, they clearly were entering a lab. A lab that he clearly didn’t want to be in. His body tensed almost immediately and Jean noticed it straight away.

“Hey- no hey. Listen to me. There’s no reason to go on a rampage. No one here will hurt you. You are safe. I promise you that you are safe. You don’t like the lab, do you?” Logan shook his head almost immediately, he didn’t care at this point if it made him look more vulnerable, he didn’t want to be put into a lab. Not again. Never again. As soon as the plane doors open, he ran for it.

“NO! Don’t-!!” he could hear Jean yell out to him but he wasn’t focused on that, he was only focused on the fact that he was in a lab and he wanted out. He hated labs.

GET OUT. OUT OUT OUT!!!!

It echoed through his mind over and over again. He needed to leave, he needed to escape. He ran through the metal covered hallways and cried out, howling, trying to listen for any sound that escaped the long hallways.  He finally found a way out and went for it. He ran like he had never ran before, straight into an elevator that he didn’t even know how to work. He had never been in one before. He pawed at the elevator door as it shut on him and sent him straight up.

When the doors opened, it looked like he was in the mansion, but the mansion was also a – school? This place was so fucking confusing. He saw kids – students he assumed – walking around the corridor, they looked at him as he wandered through the hallway, trying to find the door out. They whispered and he heard every single one.

“Who is that?”

“I heard he’s a feral”

“An Animal”

“A Soldier”

He couldn’t handle all the voices, they were surrounding his mind, his every thought and he couldn’t take it. It was hard for him to be around so many eyes. He hated people looking at him – he hated attention, it made him angry, it made him vulnerable.

He growled at them and unleashed his claws, trying to get them to back away from him so he could escape, he heard them scream and gasp and yet they didn’t back away. They stayed and stared at him. They were trying to corner him. They were trying to keep him here. He had no way out.

He clawed at the students trying to get closer to him and he growled even louder and louder.

GET ME OUT GET ME OUT I CANT STAY HERE RUN RUN RUN!!!!

He could tell his animalistic instincts were getting worse and the feral side of him wanted out and was ready to kill everyone in his way. He didn’t want to kill them – they were just kids – but god Logan was terrified and he needed to get away before he hurt anyone else. He wouldn’t be able to deal with it if he hurt all these poor kids. He just needed them to LEAVE!!

That was when a voice yelled out, a thick southern accent “Hey!! All of yall!! Back away from this poor guy right now! How would you like it if I took out my hands and slapped you all across the face? You’d all be drained of energy then and trust me you don’t want to feel it!! Now scram!!” she growled at them, she had red hair with white streaks within her hair, a black headband that pushed her hair back.

Logan watched as everyone backed off and ran away in an instant, he grunted and fell to the floor, scratching himself with his claws, the scratch healing within an instant. He watched as she sat down beside him, close but not enough to accidently touch him.

“Heya hun, you okay? That seemed rough, I know I don’t like people pushing my buttons so I understand if you’re a bit angsty right now” her voice her soft for a thick southern accent, Logan sniffed softly, trying to get a read on her. He could always tell if he could trust people by the way they smelled. If they smelt bad to him then it meant they weren’t to be trusted. Unfortunately, he had learnt this mistake many times, but now wasn’t the point for his past that he didn’t even remember. He noticed that she smelt like lemongrass with a hint of burnt wood, but not the type that would make your nose wrinkle, the type of burnt wood that you would get at a whole family Christmas, gathered around the fireplace. He doesn’t even know the smell of that but if he did then he knew it would smell like that.

He grunted softly at her and his claws retracted – only slightly. He saw that she softened slightly, she seemed to notice that he couldn’t speak.

“Jean, Scott and Storm bring you here huh hun? God you must be so confused. For a psychic Jean really doesn’t know how to read “feral” mutants as they say. God I hate that fuckin’ word suga’. Do you need help standing hun? I’ll take you back to them and whatever you’re scared of – I promise you I’ll protect you from it. OH! I completely forget, call me Rouge hun.” She stood up and outstretched a gloved hand to him. He glared at her hand and sniffed it slightly, just like any other animal would. He eventually let his claws retract and he took her hand, standing up, but then immediately let it go. He didn’t want to hold hands with anyone anymore, especially after Jean had tried to force him into a lab.

Rouge – as he now learnt – didn’t seem to mind and lead him away from the mansion – school? He was still confused on that part – and he walked back into the elevator, he pawed at the doors once again as he closed and he heard Rouge laugh. He turned and glared at her.

“Sorry hun- I just didn’t expect you to be so puppy like! It’s kinda cute!! Especially with how short you are!! Ha!” she giggled to herself and Logan growls at her loudly. He was being referred to as a puppy again and right now he was taking it as an insult, because in what way was that a compliment?

They get down back into the endless hallway and there in the middle was Jean, Scott and Storm, they all seemed to be looking around for him. Jean knew he was still in the mansion but obviously didn’t realise he was no longer in their secret underside of the mansion.

“I think I found your missin’ pup suga’!” Rouge giggled to herself once more as they all turned their heads looking at the two adults that were just stepping out of the elevator. “You got to be more careful, the students were surrounding this poor fella and he was bout so close to stabbing them before I came and saved the students and him.” she rolled her eyes a bit.

Scott growled a bit, “It wasn’t our fault!! That little feral ran away-”

Rouge growled back at him, “We do NOT use that word!! It is harmful and it is not his fault he is this way!!”

Logan looked at her startled, he wasn’t used to people being so defensive about the word feral, everyone had always used it to refer to him as. So why was she defending him as if that isn’t simply what he was? The confusion that was on his face caused everyone’s else’s faces to soften. There he was – confused on why someone was defending him. No one should ever be confused as to why someone would defend them.

He opened his mouth – as he often did, trying to get words to leave his mouth. He tried all the time and was never successful but maybe this time he will be? He tried to make words leave his mouth, anything just to prove to everyone that what Rouge said was true, he wasn’t a feral, it wasn’t his fault.

Alas the words fell to silent ears as nothing left his mouth. And once again he was unable to prove the fact that he was human to anyone. He wasn’t able to prove that he wasn’t a feral – which made Rouges argument all for nothing.

He was a feral and there was nothing he could do about it.

Luckily enough, Jean just sighed and smiled sadly at him, holding her hand out once more as she spoke again.

“Let’s get you checked up, okay?”

Chapter Text

Logan sighed angrily as he sat in the lab, he didn’t want to be there. he didn’t want to be hurt, he just wanted to be free again and, in the woods, where he knows he can be himself without worrying about anyone else around to hurt him. Just him and the animals that he hunts and eats. It’s much more peaceful. He had Rouge and Jean beside him. Storm was already gone on another mission. Scott stayed and was watching Logan as if at any minute he would just attack them for no reason. He was a feral – it was true but he wouldn’t attack them for no obvious reason. It made no sense, but of course they believed all ferals were monster mutants that should be caged and hunted. They shouldn’t exist. Well, they can just try and get rid of Logan. A lot of people have tried, including himself and yet he had not died yet and it was very unlikely he would die soon.

Rouge spoke up, noticing the tension that was happening between the two males. “Alright buckero. Scott, you need to stop glaring at the poor fella. He was literally just like basically kidnapped and I know he aint gonna hurt ya, not unless ya hurt him first. Kay suga’? So, just leave him be.”

Scott rolled his eyes at her and Logan could tell Rouge was getting mad, he was getting mad himself. However, instead of retaliating, he simply reached out his hand to Rouge – finally reaching out to someone first – and he held her hand. He seemed to find comfort in that, as others had started to notice.

Rouge, luckily, didn’t try anything and just smiled at him, “What a darlin’ suga’ huh Jean?”

The feral male turned and looked at the red-head that had comforted him the most and he sniffed at her, wanting her warmth scent imprinted into him. It made him feel so safe yet also protective over her. Even though he was well aware that she could handle herself. Jean just smiled and reached out a hand, placing it upon Logan’s head.

“I agree Rouge, he is very kind to females so far, however Scott is the only male he has met and we all know what Scott’s first impressions are like.” She laughed to herself, especially when Scott looked at her with a flush look on his face.

Then a bald-headed man rolled in on a wheelchair. “Hello my x-men. I see this is the mutant I had asked you all to get?” Logan looked at him curiously, so this was the man that had sent them to get him? Why did he need Logan so bad that he sent powerful mutants for him?

Logan growled at the bald-headed man, his name which was still unknown to him. Logan ignored the way his other scenes were screaming at him that this man was okay – this man was nice. That even though his mind believed that he was bad his other scenes proved wrong. His eyes could see no malicious intent behind the bald mans own eyes. His nose could tell that he smelt kind – like a mix of old books and green tea. He let out his claws and Scott immediately got into a defensive stance.

“Scott – we do not hurt mutants that are confused, he will not attack. He is just confused. Now. Hello. I am Professor Xavier. You may call me what you like but for now, shall we have a little look into your mind hm? Perhaps I can make it so you are able to talk?”

So, Xavier was his name huh? Well, he wasn’t getting anywhere in Logan’s mind. he put away his claws but he still growled at him. He wasn’t going to get someone in his mind and turn him into another weapon for someone else to use. He was sick of that and he wanted to have his own life. Xavier noticed his worry and all he did was just smile softly.

“There is no rush at all Logan. I’m sorry but I do have a record on you due to trying to find you – so I do in fact know your name. and I promise you that I will not go into your mind without your permission, okay?” he seemed to be trust worthy and Logan was hating himself so much for trusting 3 different people today. He didn’t understand how he was trusting them so blindly. His stupid animalistic instincts always made him think differently when it came to people.

He just hoped this time he wouldn’t get hurt just for existing. He wanted to try and live a life that he felt was worth living and maybe this time it was with them? Maybe they could help him feel that life isn’t as bad as he had once believed it to be. Maybe he would no longer be feral.

He grunted in response to Xavier and saw how he smile. He didn’t seem to be upset that the feral couldn’t answer him with words or didn’t want him to go into his mind straight away. He seemed to understand. Logan didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Scott finally opened his mouth, “So, not only does the feral have a name but he is also going to be staying with us? Seriously?”

Once again, Logan had growled to him which in fact just proved that he was a feral and not a person. No matter how much he wanted to be – he would never be a person. He will always remain a feral in this world and he needed to realise that sooner or later.

Xavier very obviously glared at him, not liking that one of his x-men was being rude to the new recruit. Once that very obviously, cant even stand up for himself due to his inability to talk. It seemed everyone in the room was glaring at Scott just for that. Logan snorted slightly, the fact that everyone was mad at Scott and not him was just hilarious to him. He liked Scott. He liked the way he smelt. A Lily in a pond with a mix with the herb mint. However, it seemed that Scott did not in fact like him in anyway. Perhaps this was due to him being a feral. Maybe because he couldn’t speak? He was unsure. But he was certain that he did in fact like Scott, he just didn’t like the way he acted, or how his attitude was.

Jean opened her mouth and spoke for the first time in a while, “Scott, you continue like that and I’m not gonna let you sleep on the bed tonight. I’ll put you on the couch and LOGAN can come sleep with us. See? He has a name so use it. plus, he seems like a lovely cuddlier, don’t you think?”

She smirked at Scott’s reaction, he looked at her, his wide eyes being seen through his glasses. His face was also flushed red. Everyone began laughing at his reaction and Logan began to feel content and at peace.

He looked around the room and sighed thankfully. Maybe this could be his new home.

Chapter Text

Logan was sitting in his brand-new bedroom with not a clue on what to do, he had never had any of this stuff before – at least from what he could remember – which now that he thought about it, wasn’t a lot. Anyway, he hadn’t remembered the last time he had a bed, or clean clothes or even this much warmth. Not just warmth from the bed and blankets or the heater but warmth from other people. It made his stomach twist with knots he had never felt before and he wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. I mean he had never even remembered the last time someone had held his hand so this was all very new to him and he didn’t know what to do about – well any of this.

So, as he sat on his bed, feeling the weight of the bed fall down significantly due to the stupid metal within his body – the metal he didn’t even want to be there. It made his body significantly heavier and even made it hard to breathe sometimes, but it wasn’t that bad. He didn’t really need to breathe anyway – well he did but he didn’t care about being hurt when he had a healing factor like his own so him hurting wasn’t at the top of his worries it seemed.

As he sat, trying to get his mind of the terrible feeling of his own body, he began to think about how his life will be like now. They all seemed to very kind – well excusing Scott’s behaviour – and he didn’t know if he trusted that. After all, he was used to people using him for his powers and mutation. Making him a weapon. He believed it was only inevitable for him to become a weapon for them to. Sooner or later, he would be in fact a weapon for them. Just as he was for everyone.

However, this time he didn’t know if that was such a problem though. He did like them and he supposed if he had to be a weapon in order to protect them from any dangers then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Especially if they kept giving him things like food and clothes and the warmth he had so ever craved now that he finally got a taste of it. He was even slightly excited for this adventure in his life.

In fact – he decided perhaps he should give them something in return. And so, Logan began to open his mouth, trying to speak. Trying to utter even a word so he could show, he could prove, that he was capable of changing. Even if it seemed like it was for them – it was also for himself. Logan had often longed to speak and felt quite upset with himself every time he opened his mouth and nothing came out in return. So, he opened his fanged riddled mouth and began to try make anything other than wild animal sounds leave his mouth.

“……”

Every sound that came out so far silent. He couldn’t make a single word leave his mouth and he was starting to become discouraged when suddenly he remembered something.

He looked a bit younger in this memory, he didn’t seem as feral as he was now, he wore a red flannel and a pair of jeans that were ripped in some places, much like his were now. There was a woman there with him. but for the life of him – her face was unrecognisable. It was blurred out every time he looked her way, so he believed she was insignificant in his life. He however, remembered the woman’s words.

“Remember Logan, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. You will be able to speak again. You’re not bad. You’re just raised different and that is not your fault. Don’t be frustrated or upset with yourself. I’ll always be right by your side.”

Right by his side? Always? Perhaps this woman was important. But even if she was, he does not remember the face or the name of the woman in his memory. He felt as if he could feel her hand touching his arm right now. Comforting him. Loving him – as if someone actually did love him and it wasn’t all a complete lie.

He remembered her words again. She had said it didn’t matter how long it took, he would be able to do it.

He shook his head from the memory and opened his eyes, seeing he was still on the same bed as he was before. He looked around the big empty room and took a deep sigh.

He felt the need to try again, try harder. This time not just for the people who had saved him, but also for the woman who had clearly saved him before. The woman he had no memory of and yet felt like he knew her more than anyone – more than himself.

He took a deep breath and began trying again. Mustering up everything within himself to try and utter any word out loud. Trying to know how to say the word ‘thank you’ so he is able to utter it to the very people who saved him from an endless time in the forest. Stuck being cold and hungry and blood-lusted. He didn’t want to be that way forever. He didn’t want to be that way at all. It’s just what he had to be once his memory had died upon itself.

“…nn…”

He bit his lip. Although it didn’t seem like much, this was the first time he was able to speak anything but a growl from his lips. He needed to do more, he needed to at least try a word.

“t…h…nn?”

He sounded confused to himself, perhaps he didn’t know exactly how to say the word ‘thanks’ but he sure was trying his best to speak the word so Jean could be proud of him. So that Scott could be. Maybe he would look at Logan with even an ounce of love instead of complete hatred if Logan is able to learn a single word. The way he is supposed to.

“th..nks?”

Close enough. He was able to speak the word almost perfectly, maybe now he can show them how wonderful he could truly be. How human he actually was. Instead of the feral he is always called.

Chapter Text

Logan got up from his bed and he walked out of his bedroom, trying to find anyone that he had met before. He noticed the small children flinched as he walked by. He knew what they were thinking. He was a monster – a feral in their eyes and he knew that he was making them uncomfortable just by being even slightly around them, he felt ashamed of himself. He actually like children, no matter what his grumpy attitude showed. Children proved that there was still innocence, still life in this world and that maybe the world didn’t have to seem so bad when kids still thrived their best. He tried to smile but it just looked like anger to the kids, making them flinch and whisper to each other.

Logan frowned to himself and he walked faster, trying to get away from the kids as fast as possible, trying to not get surrounded by them again as well as trying not to scare them even more than he already was. He stalked down the hall and he stormed into Professor Xavier’s office. He wasn’t even sure how he knew it was Professor Xavier’s office, he just did. Logan looked in the room and noticed Jean and Scott there sitting in front of the Professor, obviously in the middle of something.

Oh.

That’s why.

He didn’t smell the Professor, he smelt Jean and Scott and found comfort in it, therefore running to where ever the scent was the most prominent. He looked at them, analysing their faces, their expressions.

Scott looked slightly annoyed at the fact Logan was there, Logan tried not to look hurt when he realised Scott didn’t like him much. Luckily, Jean was the opposite. Offering Logan, a soft smile and a gesture to sit in the chair, he walked over and sat beside Jean, he wanted to reach his hand out. Often finding comfort when she held his hand. Jean noticed and held out her hand to him.

“Logan, there’s no need to cower and hide, I am more than glad to hold your hand if you need comfort.” She smiled and logan couldn’t help but reach out to her hand – that was until Scott cut him off with a Scott.

“He’s a feral, Jean. He can’t even speak; he should be learning or something – I still don’t get why we have him!!”

Logan held back a growl and he took Jeans hand into his own and finally opened his mouth, speaking to them for the very first time. He had analysed the way the others around him would speak and he mocked the movements and sounds when he was alone. It was still very rough and he still had lots to learn about how to actually speak properly but for now, he was doing very good for someone who couldn’t speak that long ago. His voice was gruff and low.

“th…thanks…” he mumbled softly, avoiding eye contact as the whole room froze and went completely silent. Not a single word was spoken for a while. You could hear a feather drop in this room that was so devoid of sound.

Logan looked embarrassed with himself not. Was his words not spoken right? He was trying his best with what he had analysed and tried to mock on his own but perhaps he just sounded like an animal to them. He went to pull his hand back from Jean when Professor Xavier had spoken up.

“Why, that’s remarkable. Logan – you’re speaking!! Do you remember how to speak? Or did someone teach you? I am quite curious, I must admit.” Logan shook his head and pointed at himself; this time it was Jeans turn to speak up from the silence.

“You taught yourself that?” She looked proud, her eyes full of admiration and Logan smiled the best he could to her, his fangs blaring at her as he smiled. She cooed to him and squeezed his hand. “Oh pup, that is just wonderful!! Oh, I’m so glad this happened, may we teach you more? Can I look in your mind- or Professor Xavier so we can help you regain memories? That way you’ll be able to speak more?”

Too much information was being shoved at Logan and he looked confused and even a bit dizzy. He gulped, looking at her, he didn’t know how to respond, so far thanks was the only word he was able to even say properly so he couldn’t verbally answer her and it was hard to try and answer with gestures. Not to mention he can’t fucking write so it’ll be a bit impossible to do that without just a bunch of scribbles on the page and calling it a day.

Scott noticed he looked overwhelmed, uncomfortable and took this as his opportunity to break his ever long silence just as the other two had already done.

“Jean, you are overwhelming him and as much as the guy doesn’t like me, making the feeling mutual. I don’t want a raging feral trying to come for all our heads because you are confusing him more than he’d like. So, just calm down and actually try and help him.” he sighed to himself softly as Jean blushed from obviously not realising how much she was overwhelming the poor feral pup.

Logan looked at Scott slightly confused; he didn’t hate Scott. He played around with Scott because he was a tough guy and he wanted to be seen as that with him. Perhaps human – or well mutant – customs were slightly different; he wasn’t too sure. He did have to rely on his animal instincts in order survive in this world, he had no idea what the customs were for any other species other than the one he was.

He got up, stalking over to Scott and he held his hand out, looking grumpy. Scott looked at him slightly startled and put his hand out before pausing.

“Is he going to bite me if I hold his hand?” Jean rolled her eyes at his comment.

“No, you idiot, he wants to hold your hand, you said he hates you; he is trying to prove that he doesn’t hate you. My God you are oblivious.” Jean laughed at him and Scott glared at her as he reached his hand out to logan.

Logan grabbed the hand quickly and put it up his face, nuzzling it softly as he smelt his scent. “mhhhh…” he grumbles a bit, but not the usual grumble that is often seen as anger, a grumble that had a familiar sound of happiness.

Scott looked startled but nonetheless continued to let it happen. His face was slightly flushed and he looked over at Jean for help but she just laughed in his face.

Chapter Text

Now it was clear to people – or at least Jean, Scott and Xavier – that he was able to talk, they began treating him slightly different. They no longer looked at him like he was an animal and to be honest, Logan wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. Of course, he wanted to be seen as human, that was all he ever wanted but now that he had it, he began to feel different. It seemed much more difficult to be human rather than be a feral, at least when he was feral people would blame it on how he was raised, how he was always a feral and just an animal. When he was human there was so many expectations that were put upon him.

Luckily, Jean tried her best ease Logan into everything rather than making him panic with what he was supposed to do when being human. He didn’t register as much as they’d like. Jean suspected it was because his memories were gone and therefore it made it harder for him to learn. Scott said it was a stupid excuse but then got shut down when Jean yelled at him for being so insensitive even though he literally had brain damage and that’s why he was unable to control his powers in the first place. Logan didn’t think Scott like being proved wrong, especially by his own girlfriend as Logan had suspected – and found out not too later that he was in fact right and they were dating.

But that didn’t matter, Logan was still so confused on how to act human for the two people he actually cared about. He didn’t know how to act human and therefore he never learnt how to be gentle. A person born in a burning house believes that the world is on fire and that is the way Logan sees the world. He believes everyone in the world is out to get him and therefore has never known to be gentle with anything he had held before. He doesn’t know how to hug people without squeezing them, he doesn’t know how to touch things without breaking them. And therefore, he didn’t know how to love someone without breaking them into pieces. He doesn’t know how to let go. He holds on until the skin on his palms is raw and bleeding. He still thinks of the woman in the memories – the one with the blurred face – even though he doesn’t remember her. Because how strange it is to look at someone in his mind, a memory that is long forgotten and see someone who used to be his whole world and now just see a blurred stranger he knows nothing and yet everything about.

He is scared that if he shows any human emotions towards Jean and Scott, they will either hurt him or more likely, he will hurt them just as he always hurts everyone in his life. Although he may not remember it, he still recognises the pain he felt every time he sees a blurred face in his memories, every time he remembers how much blood he can see on his hands, his body. Blood that he will never be able to wash off. Blood that will stain his every being, from his skin to his heart to his very soul. The blood is impossible to wash off because he does not know how much people he had killed or hurt in his life all because his memories are lost. But just because his memories are gone does not mean his sins are. His sins will forever be known by the God that looks down upon him and if God doesn’t exist then he knows that the people beside him will know of his sins and look down on him and they will pray he will finally die. Die just for his sins to be forgiven just as Jesus was and just as he should be. Only unlike Jesus, he isn’t dying for the sins of other people but the sins of his own person. He also prays that he will not resurrect just like Jesus had, he knows its better if he stays dead.

He looks at his hands as he laid upon his bed and he couldn’t help but to faintly see the blood that was stained upon his hands. He knew he was a bad person; he didn’t care about the saying ‘bad people don’t worry about being a bad person’ because although he worries about that every day, he is sure that he is in fact a bad person. He doesn’t behave like others, he doesn’t act like others, he doesn’t love like others. He bites. He growls. He is a violent dog and that all cant just be blamed simply on how he was raised, he knows deep down they’re all thinking what a bad person he is, how he is a feral. A mutt. One that isn’t cute and fluffy but one that is on the side of the road begging for attention from anyone that will give him it because he is selfish. No matter if he lets someone take all his skin and bones and hold his heart in their hand, he will remain selfish for wanting to keep his own bones and wanting to be loved.

He sticks his claws into his arm and he lets himself breathe. He has done this since he was young, at least from what he thinks, he has always punished himself. After all, he punished himself for his whole life as he had his whole life to punish himself for. Logan believes that his worse sin isn’t the fact that he’s tried to kill himself multiple times but the fact that he has destroyed and betrayed himself for absolutely nothing. He has destroyed his whole life to the point where he became a feral for years, to the point where now he doesn’t even know how to speak without drowning on his own words that wont ever leave his mouth. After all, he doesn’t even know how to love someone without swallowing them whole.

As he stuck his claws into his arms over and over again, watching the blood drip before his wound healed once again, he saw the blood staining his claws but he didn’t care, he continued on, he was ready for his life to become easier and become an animal like he is, an animal that uses their claws.

He hadn’t even noticed Jean entering his room until he heard her startled gasp and scream, he looked up with wide eyes as he saw her rushing over and grabbing his wrists fast.

“Logan!! No!! don’t do that!!” she gasped and he even saw her tearing up a bit.

Great he hadn’t even told her how much he cared about her and he had already hurt her. Perhaps he was in fact destined to be alone in the end. Scott stormed into the room and as soon as he saw the blood covering logan he assumed the worse, he rushed over and pulled jean away from him.

“Did he hurt you jean?” Scott asked, looking between the two concerned. Jean pushed him away and held Logans wrists once again.

“No, Scott!! He hurt himself!! I’m trying to stop him from doing it again” She yelled, her voice getting tight.

Logan looked at them with a frown on his face, he didn’t understand why they were so upset at him hurting himself, he remembered it once being encouraged. He must punish himself for his sins that he caused. He looked at them confused which only made Jean weep once more.

“Logan, puppy…please do not hurt yourself again, I mean it. I just- what the fuck are you thinking doing this?” Jean cried and she rubbed the back of his palms. Logan didn’t know the last time he had felt this much comfort or sadness over hurting himself. He believed he shouldn’t have done it just so he didn’t have to see that defeated look on Jean and Scott’s face. Logan whimpered softly, like a dog crying to its owner and he nuzzled her neck. Trying to give her any comfort. Trying to prove that maybe human emotions weren’t incapable of him after all.

He saw the way Scott looked upset, confided with himself, trying not to show the fact that he was close to crying, he sat beside Logan and he put his arm around his shoulder, Logan sniffed in their joint scent, feeling at peace whenever he smelt it. He couldn’t help but to lean into Scott’s arms and hold onto Jean tighter. Maybe he would be okay after all.

Chapter Text

If you told Logan he would be comforted by not just one but two people, he would probably claw you alive and eat your body as he ate anything he could; he wasn’t ever sure when his next meal would be. But here he was now; cuddled between Jean and Scott – those who he believed were his life protectors. He didn’t think he would ever find protectors; he knew he didn’t deserve them; he was cruel and he was an asshole, and he knew that. Yet, here he was with two of his own.

Now, Logan didn’t know how to feel, he liked the two of them more than anyone else he had ever met before and yet he was always used to being alone, he wasn’t used to being close to people; not just in a physical sense but also in an emotional and psychological sense. No one had ever wanted to be with him. At least not willingly…at least not from what he remembered. Although, the woman in his memory, the one he gets glances of but never sees, had stayed with him. He didn’t believe that she had wanted too, there were sometimes that he would get a flicker of betrayal in his heart when he saw her – despite never being able to see her face. He knew she had betrayed him and therefore he believed the love in his heart had been fake. Maybe that’s what made him feral. Overwhelmed with the fact that she didn’t actually want him and was just using him for something he would rather not talk about – he became a feral animal that lived in the forest. Before he was found and now here. Between two people that saved him.

He must’ve been quiet – too quiet than usual because then Jean looked at him and decided to speak up.

“Logan- I know you don’t technically speak but it sounds like you’re not even breathing. Are you okay?” he looked up at her, her eyes were filled with something logan can only describe as concerned – not pity for once but an actual concern for his being. Something he had never really seen before when someone looked at him. he was used to pity, fear, hatred.

He opened his mouth to reply, he had been getting better with speaking lately, practicing with not only Jean and Scott but also getting help in his mind with Professor X, he still didn’t trust him but he knew his protectors – Jean and Scott – will help him and make sure he’s okay, he knew that now. Of course, sometimes, he would question himself and think maybe it wasn’t the best to trust two people he only met a bit ago, but something about them made his instincts drop. His animal side didn’t see them as a threat, as someone who would hurt him, instead it saw them as mates, people he could be with forever.

His voice was broken and quiet as he spoke, “’m okay…” he mumbled a bit into her neck as he cuddled more up to her. He felt her stroke his hair as he cuddled into her more, taking in her sweet scent and feeling her body pressed against him, not in a way that was sexual but in a way that was comforting. Her scent and body made him feel happy to be in his skin and bones, no matter if his skin and bones weren’t what he wanted them to be. But when he was with Jean or Scott, he felt comfortable to be in his body for once in his life and that made him happy to be with the two of them, they would comfort him no matter what and they would protect him just as he would protect them.

Jean hummed a bit and she kissed his head, she knew how he was and knew that he wouldn’t ever try and say his troubles out loud as he wasn’t used to telling people his problems. She knew to never be pushy with him otherwise he would just get angsty and try to leave them, he was never one to stay in the same spot for too long which was why him still being here was a miracle. Usually he would’ve ran, especially from being in a place that was included in civilisation.

Speaking of civilisation, the children in the Professors school had been getting used to him, they still tried to avoid him like the plague due to his sharp claws and his angry demeanour but they at least gave him a smile or a small greeting if they did have the unfortunate luck of running into him. But as time went on, they were slowly avoiding him, he just had to give it more time. If he pushed them then they would run away like he did.

So, for now he just stayed his distance between them.

Logan continued to lean into her touch before frowning, he smelt Scott’s scent but it was far away. Of course, there was a lingering scent, giving indication that he was here before but he wasn’t actually in the room. Logan frowned and looked up at Jean before looking around trying to find him, Jean cooed and kissed his head.

“He’s out getting us some breakfast, okay? We had a rough night so you deserve a nice breakfast.” Jean said, her arm lingering on his shoulder, trying to calm him before he panics, thinking Scott might’ve left them.

When logan heard that he sighed in relief, he did think Scott left them both. Luckily, now he knew that his fears were in no manner to be worried about, he was just going to get breakfast and then, hopefully they would have a nice time together before he decided what to do.

He wasn’t sure if he should continue staying at the mansion, he had nothing to do and his animal instincts were getting annoyed at him for not going out in the forest nor nature more. It wasn’t his fault though, Jean and Scott wouldn’t let him leave, they saw him as some helpless puppy that couldn’t defend on his own and he was sick of it. He did lo- like them and they did make him feel comfortable but he wasn’t sure if he liked the fact that he would be staying inside for a really long time. He liked the nature, he liked letting his animal side out. It made him feel free – well at least as free as he could feel for a man that has been locked up or tortured nearly his whole life.

Logan leaned onto Jean and kissed her shoulder a bit, he nuzzled her as he thought.

Maybe he should leave. He was getting too soft.

He should leave without saying goodbye, he didn’t want to see their teary eyes.

Chapter Text

Logan was still thinking of leaving, he knew that he was actually starting to have a good life for once in his life but that didn’t mean he believed it would stay this way. He wasn’t used to nice things and so by being here in a safe and warm home surrounded by people that actually seemed to care about him was pretty scary in his opinion. He longed for his mind to be stable so he wouldn’t have thoughts of leaving a place he believed he might be able to call home. He longed for his mind to be reduced in a feral state and be more human so he didn’t have to worry about how he acted and he didn’t have to mimic everyone’s movement so they looked at him like how everyone had always looked at him – like he was an animal. He also longed for his mind to no longer be filled to the brim with trauma that he didn’t want to have, trauma he didn’t ask for. He didn’t want to think about how he might end up hurting the people he loves simply because he can’t control his own mind and his own triggers in a sense of the fact, he never had the time to process any traumas. Because, just as one ended another one just began. He couldn’t help the flashbacks, he couldn’t help the fact that he hurt people when he was scared, sad or confused because he never had anyone to teach him how to regulate his emotions enough.

Most importantly, he never learned how to love.

How was he supposed to communicate with Jean and Scott that he believed he loved them if he had no idea what love even felt like in the first place, he had no idea how to tell he was in love. He had no idea if an animal like him could in fact love in the first place, I mean, he had never seen feral animals like him being able to love without hurting the person they were supposed to love. He supposes his mind is just far too cloudy and broken in order to have the right structure to love someone so much he wouldn’t hurt them. Not only that but he could barley even speak so how could he tell them a thing when he wasn’t even sure how to speak those words out loud? To Logan the whole thing just seemed to be useless and so he believed maybe he should leave. At least if he leaves then he wouldn’t have to feel the rejection and heartbreak that he believes will come soon enough, he never knew to have a place that wouldn’t actively hurt him. And he couldn’t even tell him that this place seemed too safe to actually be safe. He couldn’t tell them that he was scared for what might happen in the future if he continued to stay here. Afterall, everywhere he went blood and bodies followed closely behind. But he couldn’t explain that to them, he couldn’t explain the sadness that he feels deep within his chest. It made sense; the worst kind of sadness is not being able to explain why he was sad in the first place. He was always sad and perhaps there was a clue as for why in his memories but his memories are long gone and they are never coming back, Logan needs to realise.  

As Logan sat up, looking at the breakfast that sad in front of him on the bed where him, Jean and now Scott sat, he stared at the breakfast in defeat, not really knowing what to say nor do.

“I think we need to talk about last night Logan.” Scott said as he moved a bit closer, resting his hand on his arm. After Jean had found him last night, hurting himself and then Scott running in and seeing it too, he had been much nicer and reassuring rather than constantly thinking he was trying to steal Jean away from him.

Logan grumbled and growled only slightly, not in a way to intimidate him but in a way that said he disagreed with Scott’s statement. They didn’t need to talk about it, it was fine, he was just showing himself some discipline that no one else in this mansion seemed to do.

Jean flicked his nose, she did that when she believed he did something he wasn’t supposed to do, it was like she was trying to tame him. But a feral animal was never one to be domestic.

He growled again in response to her, he really didn’t want to talk about the night before, he didn’t want to hear what they had to say, he didn’t want to hear them tell him that he was supposed to go deeper – he knew. He was just scared for some reason he didn’t know.

Jean spoke up this time and she sounded angry – concerned? Logan wasn’t sure.

“Logan. You need to talk to us about last night, you HURT yourself and you need to understand how WRONG that is!!” her words were more and more film the more she spoke, Logan froze at her words. She didn’t want him to hurt himself? But that made no sense, he was supposed to hurt himself, that’s what feral animals did, it’s what weapons did.

For once, logan was at a complete loss, he didn’t growl, he didn’t speak. He didn’t let a single word or noise leave his mouth; he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do in return to her confession.

Thankfully, Scott seemed to notice this. It seemed their roles had swapped. Jean was acting like a hothead meanwhile Scott was acting calm, calmer than he usually was. Maybe their minds had swapped? From the things he had seen, he didn’t believe that was so far off from actually happening.

“Jean. He seems confused. I don’t think he knows what’s happening – I don’t think he realises he isn’t actually supposed to hurt himself…” Scott trailed off as Jeans face turned from concern and anger to complete and utter despair, someone had convinced Logan he was such a bad person – or something, so much that he believed he needed the harm that he caused himself.

Jean clenched her hands into fists and Logan stared at her hand, a growl about to escape from his lips, out of instincts he believed that Jean was going to hurt him, for typically no reason at all. Jean took in a deep breath and looked at Logan, staring into his eyes, sadness swirling in hers.

“Pup…you’re not supposed to hurt yourself, no matter what. If someone ever tells you to hurt yourself, you will ignore them, okay?” she seemed calmer now, despite the little edge to her voice, she was calming down and simply just wanted what was best for him.

Logan bit his lip with his sharp teeth, not caring when blood trickles from his lip down to his chin, Scott grabbed his face gently and rubbed the blood off his chin, pulling his lip gently so he wouldn’t bite his lip anymore. Logan took in his touch, feeling his soft hands on his skin made him feel calmer than every – which was perhaps why he felt so on edge. He never felt so calm and it made him scared because he wasn’t sure what would happen now that he was feeling like his life was alright.

Logan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in Scott and Jeans mixed scent. Even if he was on edge because of all his luck right now didn’t mean he wouldn’t calm from his two lo- friends scents that were ever so sweet when mixed together.

Jean smiled seeing the two of them be together like that without any growling or tension between the two. It seemed Scott was finally realising that Logan was in fact not a threat and so he didn’t need to be taken as one.

Scott smiled too; he was content. He wished this moment in time would play over and over again, he wished that this moment wouldn’t end, that there won’t be anymore emergency missions or anymore things that would ruin the domestic thing that they had going on now.

The day continued like usual, Logan would follow either Jean or Scott as they taught their classes and they would look after him and make sure to keep an extra eye on him after what had happened the night before. The day seemed to be doing alright until night had hit.

Logan had gone to his room alone; he didn’t want to disturb Jean and Scott anymore and so he hid in his room so he could just think. Even if it was just for a second.

He still wasn’t sure if he should stay – despite their little domestic family moment they had this morning he wasn’t sure that staying around was the best idea, after all he was a feral and he did hurt people. Although Logan was the one hurting himself and doing as he was taught. Somehow, in the process he had hurt the two people that he had actually learnt to care for and Logan wasn’t sure if he could forgive himself for that. He didn’t mean to hurt them; he had no idea that hurting himself actually caused others to feel upset. To him, that made no sense. Despite knowing he would feel deeply upset if Scott or Jean had hurt themselves, he didn’t understand why anyone would care about him enough to actually feel upset when something happened to him – I mean it was HIM.

A feral mutant that was taught nothing but pain. How would anyone be concerned about his wellbeing? It made no sense.

Either way he hurt them and just like that Logan was back to where he was in the first place. Always hurting people because he is a feral animal that can’t be tamed, can’t be taught how to act human no matter how hard he tried. He will always be an animal.

Which is why he believed it would be best if he left, sure, he will still be hurting them but he had no choice, he was hurting them by staying and that would be a long-term thing. Him leaving, will only make them sad for a short amount of time. No one care for him enough that his disappearance would be deeply affecting and therefore he should leave. Then no one would get hurt by an animal such as himself and then he can gladly say that he did his best to prevent people he loved from getting hurt.

Logan looked at his hands and he saw them shaking, he was itching to hurt himself, he wanted to do it so badly but when they found he was missing they didn’t want them to also discover blood and the fact he had hurt himself despite them saying just that morning that he wasn’t to do that again. He was already defying them by leaving, he couldn’t also defy them by hurting himself when they had asked him so nicely, so comfortingly that he shouldn’t.

He picked up a pen slowly and scribbled the some words the best he could, he had been learning how to write by sitting in Jean and Scott’s classes and watching them and the kids and the way they wrote. Some held their pen differently than others, some held it in a completely different hand. Logan hadn’t yet figured out the correct way for him to hold his pen so for now he held it in a fist like motion as he wrote on some paper he found in his room.

Logan looked out the window and he looked out of it, the sunset was hitting, they wouldn’t find him in the darkness of the woods. The woods were a dangerous place for people who weren’t feral like him. Logan saw no one out the window, he was glad he was alone.

In a swift motion he let out his claws and broke open the window, jumping out of it and running towards the woods.

A few moments later Jean and Scott walked into the room.

“Hey Logan-…” Jean froze as she saw the mess of the room and Scott froze, the bedroom was a mess, glass was on the ground, covering most of the floor due to Logans claws.

They both saw a note sitting on the glass covered floor and upon it was one singular word.

“Sorry.”

Chapter Text

Perhaps leaving maybe wasn’t his best decision, maybe leaving was as stupid as he was. He left so he wouldn’t hurt them but in the process of leaving, they were still hurt. He had heard their scream and their rush to call for help from Xavier, but he didn’t care, he kept running. He needed to get away from this place and live a life where people aren’t around him – that way they wouldn’t get hurt if he was near. It was better that way; it was better to be hidden away than let everyone know who he was. Be the animal they always expect him to be. Hopefully, he can live life alone in the woods once again and they won’t go looking for him.

Back at the mansion however, Jean and Scott were freaking out, their newest member had run away, and after they found him hurting himself, they knew it was a risk to have him be alone. They weren’t even sure why they had left him alone to sleep in the first place – why did they have to be so stupid. It was obvious he would hurt himself or do something worse so why did he leave in the first place, they weren’t sure but they also understood the fact that Logan might have no idea what he was doing and what he was doing wrong- he was a feral after all. Who knew how knowledgeable he really was.

Meanwhile, Logan was running through the woods without a care in the world, well he certainly had cares, he had just ran from people who were looking after him. Something Logan searched for, for years, believing he would never find it and then when he finally did he ignored it and he ran instead, believing that he wasn’t deserving of their kind nature that they had given him. As Logan ran through the woods, he felt his knees grow weak and he fell to the rough grass ground with a struggle. His face scraped against the ground, mud and grass staining his face as his cuts healed almost instantly from the fall.

He looked up with a growl, but he didn’t get up.

He found no point in looking up if his life just felt like it was ending. Sure he could go back to the mansion and see the people who had looked after him, but what would that solve? They didn’t understand him and they sure as hell didn’t want some crazy feral around, no matter how many times they said they did, Logan knew the truth.

He was a feral. And that’s all he’d ever be.

No one could see behind what is truly him, the growling feral man that acts more like an animal then he ever did a man, dispute his human like appearance, he would never be seen as a human. He would only ever be seen as a feral, a toy, a creation, a weapon, he was not made to be human, he didn’t have the functions to even lie and say he was.

Even as he stared down a barrel of a shotgun, a vivid memory he remembers from the past, the day he got his mutation, when he was shot at and yet didn’t die, it just became even more true that he would never be a man. A man someone would bring home to meet the parents, a man that could be a worker, a friend, a husband, a father, he would never be any of those because he simply just doesn’t have the capability to be that.

No matter how much he desires it, he will never be able to be someone that is loved and respected. For all he’s ever known is how to be a weapon on others stories, he didn’t have a story of his own as he wasn’t a main character, he didn’t have the parts to be the main attraction, all he was, was a man off to the side, a simple background character that everyone forgets after seeing him.

He wasn’t someone that should be remembered. Ironic though, isn’t it?

A man who cannot remember his own life is also a man that will never be remembered through anything, because he wasn’t a good person and even though evil people were often remembered, he wasn’t evil enough to be remembered, he wasn’t an evil mastermind. He was just the pawn to the mastermind. He wasn’t anything but that and he never will be.

So as he lays on the grass and turns his back to look up at the sky, he will sigh to himself and he will feel sorrow. Sorrow for his life, his past, his future, for Jean and Scott for he knows they’ll be upset that he left but he couldn’t just simply stay and ruin their lives, because that’s what happened when he entered someone else’s life, it would be destroyed beyond belief and he would be left to blame.

And as he looks at his hands he will slowly realise that he is still bleeding. A man that heals almost instantly, was still bleeding.

Logan smiled at that, as his eyes began to slowly slip in and out of consciousness, hopefully whatever was happening to him would stay that way, and he will be gone by the time Scott and Jean find him.