Chapter Text
“I’m gay,” Eddie said breathlessly. Frank nodded.
“Go on.”
“I can’t, Frank. That’s all I’ve got.”
Frank leaned back. “I’ve been working with you long enough to know there’s more.”
Eddie wrung his hands together. He could feel the three drops of sweat forming on the back of his neck, and vaguely became aware of his heart beating. Palpitating, really.
“Lay down,” Frank said, wheeling over to the fridge in the corner of his office.
Eddie leaned into the pillows as he put his feet up, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them away and tried to breathe.
Frank came over and handed him an ice pack, which Eddie hugged to his chest. It occurs to him that they’ve done this before.
In for four, hold for four, out for four.
Eddie didn’t know if he was hearing his subconscious or if Frank was counting aloud.
“I’m scared–” Eddie started, trying not to sob, “I’m scared I’ve hurt everyone I love, fucked up every single aspect of my life, because I was gay and just didn’t know.”
Frank waited.
“Shannon,” Eddie continued, “The army. Ana, Marisol. Chris. Fuck, I’ve hurt Chris with this. If only I’d known.”
“This isn’t your fault, Eddie. Many people realize their sexuality later in life. And frankly, you’re not that old.”
“I’m thirty-two, Frank. I’ve been married. I’m well into my career, and I have a teenage son. I feel crazy for not knowing.”
“Well, let’s start there,” Frank said, “When did you know?”
“Last week,” Eddie said, “Chris and Buck wanted to watch Red, White, and Royal Blue. It’s a bit of an enemies-to-lovers story.”
“I’ve seen it.”
“Good. Then you know Henry and Alex hate each other at the beginning; they have a true rivalry. And then after the cake incident they’re forced to work together.”
Eddie paused.
“And Buck,” he said, voice low, “Buck laughed. And said ‘just like us.’”
Frank, again, waited.
“And he’s right, you know. We did have some sort of weird pissing match, mostly on his side, but I played into it. And then Bobby made us partners.”
“Sure,” Frank said.
“It’s like…every realization Alex had, I did too. I’d never thought about kissing a man until that moment. And then, I couldn’t stop.”
“And the man?”
“You already know who.”
“I think it would be good for you to say it out loud.”
Eddie held the ice pack tighter to his chest. “Buck.”
The two sat in silence for a minute. Eddie turned to Frank and saw him smiling slightly.
“You son of a bitch,” Eddie said breathlessly, “you’ve been waiting for this.”
“Ever since our first session,” Frank admitted, laughing, “I’m sorry, Eddie. I know this is a big moment and I will hold that space for you. But, I must unprofessionally confess, I’m absolutely delighted.”
Eddie felt some of the panic melt away, and smiled. “Yeah, I thought you’d be.”
“So what’s next?” Frank asked.
Eddie bit his lip. “I’m not ready to come out. I think I need to sit with it for a while. I want to process with you more.”
“That’s good, Eddie. Are you going to tell anyone?”
“Not yet.” Eddie paused. “Chris, at some point. And then I’ll process with Hen and Karen.”
“Not Buck.”
“No,” Eddie shook his head, “I need to process him, too.”
Eddie looked up at the clock and realized their time was up. He rose slowly and handed the ice pack to Frank.
“I’m proud of you,” Frank said, “Same time next week?”
“Yeah,” Eddie said, “Maybe I’ll have some more answers for you then.”
If there’s one thing about Buck, it’s that he’s gonna check in after therapy.
“You good?” he asked, “You look exhausted.”
“Panic attack,” Eddie said, “Kinda took me out.”
They changed out of their civvies and Eddie kept his face turned away when Buck took his shirt off.
“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck said, reaching for his shoulder. Eddie didn’t meet his eyes.
“It’s okay. We used my coping mechanisms.”
“Was it over anything specific?”
Eddie paused. “Christopher,” he lied.
Buck hummed in understanding. “I get it, man. Just remember, he’s here now; he’s healing. I mean it. He’s having fun with you, with us, again. Movie night rocked.”
“Yeah, it’s getting better. I’m just always thinking about how I fucked up.”
That part is true. But that was all he could tell Buck, for now.
“Diaz, Buckley, let’s go,” Bobby called out, and Buck rested his hand on Eddie’s arm this time.
“You’re doing good, Eddie,” he said softly, “don’t worry.”
Eddie forced a smile back, swallowing the bitter taste of dishonesty on his tongue.
Buck wasn’t the only one to notice Eddie’s reclusive attitude, and Bobby called him to an office halfway through their shift.
“What’s up, captain?” Eddie asked, trying to hide his nervousness.
“You’re not in trouble,” Bobby said. “I just wanted to ask if you’re okay.”
Eddie looked down, and didn’t speak. The two sat in silence for a long moment.
“Okay, let me rephrase the question,” Bobby said, “Are you safe and have your needs met?”
“Yes,” Eddie said. Then, “I’m seeing Frank again.”
“That’s good, Eddie.”
“I’m working through some stuff.”
Bobby turned and scribbled down a note, and Eddie tried to hold back his anxiety. The captain looked up when Eddie started hyperventilating.
“Woah, Eddie,” Bobby came around the desk, sat in the chair next to Eddie, and touched his arm.
“You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m not upset with you.”
But the panic attack was in full swing. Eddie started sweating, and felt a tear running down his cheek.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Eddie couldn’t speak. His head fell back as the body tremors kicked in. Bobby flung his office door open.
“Buck,” he yelled, and moments later, Buck was crouched in front of Eddie, wiping his tears away.
“In for four, hold for four, out for four,” he chanted, “Bobby, I need an ice pack.”
Bobby disappeared, and Buck reached for Eddie’s hands.
“Look at me,” he said, “Eds. You’re okay. You’re safe. Tell me five things you can see.”
Eddie blinked, then whispered, “Paperwork. Laptop. Pride flag. Family pictures. You.”
“Four things you can hear.”
“I can’t, Buck.”
“You can ,” Buck said, “Try.”
Eddie listened.
“A car revving. Someone dropping the barbell. Ravi rambling about Love Island as always.”
Buck laughed. “One more.”
“You.”
Buck smiled at this, genuinely. “Three things you can feel.”
“Sweat on my neck,” Eddie grimaced, “The tag on my shirt. Your hands.”
“Two things you can smell.”
“Bobby’s oil diffuser. Pasta. Oh shit, were you cooking?”
“One more. One thing you can taste.” Buck reached into his pocket and handed Eddie a stick of gum.
“Is this fucking cotton candy flavored?”
Buck beamed up at him. Eddie could feel the rise and fall in his chest, a natural rhythm. Buck squeezed his hands again.
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” Eddie breathed, “Okay.”
Bobby finally returned with the ice pack. “Sorry. It was stuffed behind Chim’s hot pockets.”
Eddie smiled gratefully and brought the ice pack to his chest. “I’m okay. Sorry, Cap.”
“No need to apologize. Do you want to take the rest of the shift? You’ve got a lot of sick time.”
“No,” Eddie said, “I need to be here. I need to be…with people.”
Buck had stood up at this point, and was standing behind Eddie, gently rubbing his shoulders.
Bobby nodded. “Okay. And your next appointment?”
“Tuesday.”
“Good. Go get yourself cleaned up. Buck, get upstairs. I’m positive Ravi’s burning the pesto.”
Buck found Eddie in the locker room after their shift ended.
“Let me come over. I’ll make breakfast.”
Eddie ran a hand through his hair. “I…I need some time first, Buck. Come for dinner?”
Buck frowned, but conceded. “You sure you’ll be okay?”
“Just a panic attack, Buck. Nothing new.”
“But why? And two days in a row? That’s new for you.”
Eddie turned away. “Leave it, Buck. I promise I can take care of myself.” He shut the locker and walked away before Buck could respond.
Eddie all but collapsed in bed when he got home, not bothering to eat. He didn’t feel like he deserved it.
Dreamland took Eddie back to his adolescence, hearing his father in the kitchen as a teenager, discussing a family friend who had just come out.
“It’s unnatural,” Ramon said, “and frankly, disgusting. I cannot believe he still has the guts to show his face at church.”
Ramon’s friend Andres nodded in agreement. “If you’re going to actively live in sin, you do not deserve la Sagrada Eucaristia.”
Fifteen-year-old Eddie thought back to his last confession.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned.”
The priest waited patiently.
“Father, I thought about him again.”
The priest was kind. He has no other confessions that day, so he walked Eddie through his penance.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death.
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.
Eddie woke with a start, and found himself sitting up straight. He heard bustling from the kitchen, and checked his phone. 10:37am.
He groaned and flopped back against the pillows. Not enough time spent sleeping, filling the day with any activity to keep his mind busy.
Buck was humming to himself and flipping pancakes when Eddie entered the kitchen. Eddie noticed the sparkling sink, which was definitely full when he left for work yesterday, plates and knives and the very mixing bowl Buck’s batter held.
“You’re killing me, Buck.”
Buck turned around and grinned. “Mornin, sunshine!”
Eddie slumped into a chair at the table and took the coffee mug Buck held out. He said nothing.
“I made you pancakes,” Buck said, and placed a plate on the table. The pancakes were blueberry, with bananas for eyes, powdered sugar freckles, and a whipped cream mouth. Eddie chuckled, despite himself.
“She’s beautiful.”
“She’s delicious,” Buck said, “I’ve been perfecting my recipe.”
Eddie reluctantly took a bite. “You didn’t have to make this. Or do the dishes.”
“I wanted to,” Buck said, “I always want to take care of you.”
Eddie closed his eyes. “It’s too much.”
“You’re not too much,” Buck said, “You’re struggling.”
“Thanks for letting me know,” Eddie snapped, then, “Sorry.”
Buck was quiet for a long moment.
“You need help, Eddie.”
“I’m getting help. I’m seeing Frank every week. I have a good routine set up with Christopher.”
“Is that enough? You’re having panic attacks multiple days in a row. You’re not eating. You’re not sleeping.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Okay, then why are you losing weight? Why are there bags under your eyes?”
Eddie felt his heart stutter with shame, the sympathy seeping into his bones.
“Jesus, Buck. Can you chill?”
“No,” Buck said, “Not when my best friend is spiraling.”
He reached out and put his hand over Eddie’s, stroking his knuckles gently. Eddie pulled away.
“I don’t–” Eddie’s voice cracked. “I don’t deserve this.”
“I agree. You don’t deserve to feel this way.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
Buck’s jaw tightened, and he stood up. “What do you want me to do, Eddie? Stop checking in with you? Stop helping you?”
“Yes,” Eddie said, but Buck continued.
“Wait until I get a call from your son that you locked yourself in your room and took a bat to everything you own?”
Eddie pushed away his plate. “Get out.”
Buck blinked. “Are you fucking serious right now?”
“I’m not kidding, Buck. Get. Out.”
Buck stared at him for a long moment, then turned around and stalked away.
“Fine. But don’t fucking call when you need me.” He slammed the door.
Eddie sighed, looking down at his pancake. The whipped cream had melted, and the smile was slowly sliding off.
He threw the pancake away.