Archive of Our Own

Jeonghan sat on the couch in his living room, nursing a beer, starting to feel uncomfortably warm from being smushed between the other members. He tugged at the collar of his shirt in a weak attempt to cool down.

The entire night had felt suffocating, honestly, but he couldn't let that show right now. He was supposed to be embracing their last night together, all thirteen of them, and he really should be more focused on being present and enjoying this time with his best friends, but his mind felt foggy and distant. And his brain kept supplying him with odd memories that dragged his attention away from whatever story Chan was in the middle of telling. Jeonghan readjusted his position on the sofa, and tried his best to tune back in. The youngest was reenacting some drama from their early years, with Mingyu adjusting the finer details that he seemed to be missing. It was amusing, it always was, their antics. Normally Jeonghan would join in more, but tonight he couldn't bring himself to do it, no matter how much he wanted to. He tugged at his collar again. 

A large hand came to rest on his lower back, and god that was warm too, but in a good way, like an anchor, something to hold onto. 

“You wanna get some air?” Seungcheol whispered into his ear. Of course Seungcheol would notice. Jeonghan turned his head ever so slightly, their hair brushing from the proximity, and was overwhelmed by the sight of Seungcheol's big eyes. He looked worried and Jeonghan didn't want him to be worried, but the idea of fresh air did sound nice, so he gave a small smile and nodded. The pair stood up, Seungcheol's hand not leaving Jeonghan’s back, and picked their way through the small crowd. No one made a fuss of them leaving, but Jeonghan did get a pointed look from Joshua, which he even more pointedly ignored, and followed Seungcheol as he slid open the glass door leading to the small terrace. 

The terrace had a pretty decent night view, the scattered apartment complexes of Gangnam glittering against the dark sky. Jeonghan would probably miss it, he realized. He'd been realizing that about a lot of small things lately. But he couldn't do anything about it, so he leaned against the railing and took another sip of his beer, trying to soak it all in. The air was finally turning cool, fall was coming, a soft breeze brushed his hair, and he felt like he could finally take a full breath. 

“You good?” Seungcheol asked, also leaning against the railing, their elbows touching. Jeonghan could feel his eyes on him and continued to look straight ahead at the city skyline. 

“I'm fine, just tired,” Jeonghan replied easily, “Last few months have been so busy.”

And they had, with endless photoshoots and schedules and recordings for all the stuff they'd release while Jeonghan was away, it had been exhausting. He wasn't lying, but he knew Seungcheol wouldn't buy it. 

Seungcheol hummed, rubbing a comforting hand between his shoulder blades, and another bit of Jeonghan melted. 

“You're one tough nut to crack, you know?” Seungcheol huffed. 

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Jeonghan hardly held back a bemused smile, making Seungcheol groan. 

“I’m serious, Jeonghan,” Seungcheol said, more serious this time, “Whatever you're feeling right now, you can talk to me about it. God knows you've been on the receiving end enough times with me.”

And that brought on some memories Jeonghan would rather not think about:

Seungcheol crying, hyperventilating in his room late one night after practice, saying he couldn't do this anymore. Jeonghan helping him calm down his breathing. 

In the recovery room after surgery. Seungcheol’s leg wrapped in thick bandages, his face heartbreakingly sad. Jeonghan rubbing a thumb over the back of his hand, telling him he’ll heal quickly. 

And an older one, from just before they debuted:

Seungcheol doubting his ability to be a leader, silent tears streaming down his face. Jeonghan telling him there's no one else he'd rather follow, no one he trusts as much as Seungcheol. 

For a moment he considered trying to repress the memories, shove them back into whatever dark corner they were hiding, but the hard memories were just as important as the good ones, so he let them wash over him, like ocean waves, leaving the pair in silence for a while. 

Jeonghan had always been good at listening to the others when they came to him, but being vulnerable himself? That was a different story. Seungcheol was so much better at that part, facing his emotions, vocalizing them. 

But that last memory kept buzzing around his brain, refusing to leave. His words still rang true — he trusted Seungcheol more than anybody. Seungcheol who so clearly wanted to help him, and Jeonghan wanted to give him what he wanted. 

“It’s just… a lot,” he said eloquently. This really wasn't his forte. “I’m having a hard time processing it all. I feel so dumb that I can't even enjoy myself tonight.” 

He stared at the concrete floor, feeling weirdly embarrassed for having said that out loud. It was hardly anything, yet it felt like he spilled his guts out. A gentle hand came to the base of his jaw, guiding his eyes up until they looked into Seungcheol's. Devastating, really, how beautiful they were. 

“You're not dumb. It must be overwhelming to take everything in, especially with all the schedules you've had recently. You're exhausted mentally and physically which makes it hard to cope with a big change,” Seungcheol said, firm, and so, so kind. It made Jeonghan feel all warm inside despite the cool breeze. Of course Seungcheol would know exactly what to say. Of course he felt better after telling him. It made Jeonghan want to say more things, things that he’d been keeping to himself for years, things that desperately wanted to claw their way out of his throat and ruin this good thing he had going for him. He swallowed thickly, trying to push it down. 

Seungcheol's hand on his head stopped him from whatever spiral he was going down, ruffling his hair and smiling at him.

“Please don't be hard on yourself about this. It's a big change. It's scary. And if you want everyone to leave so you can just chill, just say the word and we’ll all go home. Simple as that.” 

“No, no, that's not what I meant, they don't have to leave,” Jeonghan said quickly, “I'm glad everyone’s here.”

Seungcheol raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you sure? You do seem tired.”

“I'm always tired,” Jeonghan shrugged. Seungcheol didn't seem particularly pleased with the answer, but he conceded. 

“Okay fine. Just a little longer then.”

Jeonghan nodded in satisfaction, turning back to look inside where he could see the other members messing around with each other. The warm light emanating from the windows paired with the muted voices and laughter made Jeonghan feel like he was watching a movie of his own life. One where everything was normal and nothing was about to change. Soonyoung and Seokmin were being weird and loud, Vernon and Jihoon were laughing so hard they were practically keeled over, and Myungho was trying to suppress a smile but failing. Jun and Wonwoo and Chan were playing some game on the Switch hooked up to the TV, and Seungkwan was giving dramatic commentary. Joshua and Mingyu were arranging heaps of ramen on the coffee table even though they had just had dinner, gently bickering and fussing. 

It was so normal and so perfect and Jeonghan was overwhelmed by it all. He shivered from trying to hold down his emotions. 

“You're cold,” Seungcheol said, “Do you want to go back inside?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “Um, not yet. Maybe in a minute?” 

And Seungcheol, god bless him, didn't press. If he noticed the way Jeonghan's voice wavered, he didn't say anything about that either. Just slipped off his zip up hoodie and put it around Jeonghan’s shoulders, who accepted it easily. 

“Take your time. Whenever you're ready; I’ll wait.”

And those words brought back a memory Jeonghan had done everything to forget. The moment flooded his brain in an instant:

Late at night in a hotel bed, years ago, a movie playing quietly in the background. He could feel the soft puffs of Seungcheol’s breath on his face, the smell of his toothpaste, wanting to taste it. But when Seungcheol's hand came to his jaw, Jeonghan froze, flinching at the touch, eyes going wide like a spooked animal. Seungcheol froze too, as if he didn't want to scare Jeonghan away.

“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan’s voice was squeaky, barely a whisper, “I’m —” scared, terrified, a coward, not worthy — all these words ran through Jeonghan’s head but none made it out of his mouth.

“Not.. not yet,” was what came out. Didn't really make sense but Jeonghan prayed the point got across because that was all he could manage. 

Seungcheol gave an impossibly understanding smile, removed his hand from Jeonghan’s face and rolled onto his back. 

“Alright then, I’ll wait,” Seungcheol had said with finality. 

Jeonghan couldn't remember how they'd ended up lying so close to each other, why their legs kept knocking into each other’s, why their fingertips kept brushing, why they were whispering despite being the only people in the room. Jeonghan couldn't even remember the name of the movie, only the soft colors it cast onto Seungcheol's face in the dark room. Strange how memory worked like that. 

Jeonghan wondered what would've happened if they'd kissed that night. Until the moment Seungcheol began initiating it, it had seemed inevitable. Jeonghan couldn't remember why he'd gotten so spooked. Or, well, he did, because while Jeonghan loved to be a tease and a flirt, he was ultimately flighty, and very aware of the consequences regarding certain actions that would cross distinct lines with particular people in his life. Namely one Choi Seungcheol. Because what the fuck was going on between them all the time anyways? Jeonghan sighed and sipped on his beer. 

They stayed on the terrace in comfortable silence for a while, and Jeonghan wondered what Seungcheol was thinking about. He couldn't dare ask though. Not when he was thinking about almost-kisses and lines that were almost crossed and what would happen if he were to cross them. 

So instead he finished off his beer and nodded, signaling he was ready, and the pair made their way back inside. Seungcheol slipped in first, his fingers loosely wrapped around Jeonghan’s elbow as he guided them back to the couch. Joshua had taken Jeonghan’s seat while they were out on the terrace, leaving only one spot, but as they approached, Vernon, who was on the other side of the free spot, took one glance at them and, without a word, got up to go sit on the floor by Seungkwan. Seungcheol flopped down on the couch with a grunt, pulling Jeonghan by the arm down with him. 

And god, Jeonghan was so aware of how attached by the hip they were tonight. More so than usual, which was saying something. Like some kind of magnet keeping them together. 

“Coups-hyung, stop hoarding Jeonghanie-hyung all for yourself,” Soonyoung whined from the other side of the sofa.

Well, if Hoshi had noticed, that meant everyone had. Great. But at least Jeonghan wasn't going crazy and making things up in his head. 

 Seungcheol had the decency to look bashful, laughing in embarrassment. 

“Yeah, save some for the rest of us,” Chan chimed in, turning briefly away from the TV only for his character to immediately get blown to pieces much to his dismay and Seungkwan‘s excitement. 

Seungcheol apologized, though he didn't sound all that sorry. Jeonghan turned back to look at him, and he was already staring at Jeonghan, a sly smile on his face, which Jeonghan returned. 

“Guess I gotta share,” he shrugged. 

“You've never been very good at that, have you?” Jeonghan teased. Seungcheol just raised an eyebrow and laughed. 

Then Seokmin was talking to him, pulling his attention away, but still so aware of Seungcheol's presence next to him — the warmth emanating even through the layers of clothes separating them, the hand that lingered at the small of his back. 

Maybe this was why Jeonghan was feeling guilty: not because he couldn't focus on being present during the group’s last night together, but because all he could focus on was one member. Must be something akin to tunnel vision, he thought belatedly. 

But the fresh air on the terrace had given him a second wind at least, so he was able to play along with the antics of the other members. It came so naturally, after all, he didn't have to try very much, and the night played out more or less as he expected it to.

Soonyoung, to no one’s surprise, was the first to cry. Actually, he had already cried once at dinner, but he suddenly burst into tears again while talking about an upcoming practice they had, which Jeonghan would not be a part of, and that had been enough to tip him over the edge a second time. Jihoon was the second to cry, which was more of a surprise, but not all that surprising, yet definitely more heart wrenching. His crying made Seokmin cry, which was completely and entirely expected, and he continued to cry for the rest of the night. 

The others saved face for the most part, only some getting a bit misty-eyed as they reminisced. Jeonghan enjoyed the sentimental mood, and it was better to talk about all their memories together than be bombarded by them in his head. 

At some point, Seungcheol had abandoned subtly touching Jeonghan’s back in favor of full out hand holding. Seungcheol always had warm, somewhat sweaty hands, which complemented Jeonghan’s cold ones quite well. Just another thing for Jeonghan to try not to read into. 

Of course Seungkwan, who was observant to a fault, noticed, and gave Jeonghan a look. Not a judgmental one, not even a nosy one, but one laced with genuine curiosity. He even looked a little sad, which brought about another memory:

Seungkwan and Jeonghan walking by the Han River one night early in the summer. The moon was out, and Seungkwan had stopped to take a picture. When he turned back around, tears were streaming silently down his face. 

“I wish I had told him. Because now he’ll never know how much he meant to me. He’ll never know how much I loved him.”

And oh, that memory was a particularly devastating one. It was one that lingered in Jeonghan’s head frequently in the months after it happened. Because no matter how close all of them were, there were some things that just weren't spoken about much, given the culture in which they were raised, given the positions they were in. But Seungkwan had always struggled with ignoring the elephant in the room. Jeonghan wondered when he himself had gotten so good at it. 

It was getting late, and the time came to start the painful process of goodbyes. It wasn't even a final goodbye, they would all come to his entrance ceremony tomorrow, take the obligatory rubbing-the-shaved-head picture, send him off on his way to the training center, but this goodbye felt more final. Tomorrow a new chapter would be beginning, but tonight the current chapter was ending, and Jeonghan wasn’t ready to put the book down yet. 

The water works really began amidst all the bear hugs and ‘I’ll miss you’s as the members started to gather their things to leave. Minghao cried silently into his shoulder as he hugged him, refusing to let go for a long time. Chan’s loud laugh got choked up as he held back tears during his goodbye. Jun and Vernon didn't cry, which was unsurprising, but Soonyoung and Seokmin cried enough for the lot of them. Jihoon had mostly pulled himself together, but his eyes were puffy and gleaming when he patted him on the arm. Wonwoo had to take off his glasses to pat his eyes dry, but he smiled warmly through it all. Shua managed to look annoyingly elegant as a few tears escaped from his eyes, and they shared a long hug that Jeonghan was reluctant to end. Mingyu was arguably the saddest to see, clearly trying to hold back tears, then becoming a snuffling, sobbing mess as he scooped Jeonghan into his arms. Jeonghan couldn't recall the last time he’d seen Mingyu cry. It was almost funny, how ugly of a crier he was, and any other time he would've taken a picture of it, but all it did was make the pit in his stomach sink deeper. 

Despite all they had drank throughout the night, Jeonghan didn't feel anywhere close to drunk. He did, however, feel mostly numb as he said goodbye to each member. He almost felt guilty that he wasn't crying, but he had never been much of a crier, so he tried not to beat himself up over it, as Seungcheol had put it. Seungcheol, who was lingering in the living room, clearly stalling his goodbye. Jeonghan tried not to think about it. 

The members started to trickle out, and Jeonghan plastered on his best smile as he watched them go. A hand came to his shoulder, and he turned to see Seungkwan, a basketball nestled under his arm. 

“I’m gonna go to Jamwon for a bit with Mingyu and Dokyeom,” he said, eyes not so subtly wandering over to where Seungcheol was sitting on the arm of the sofa, typing out a message on his phone. 

“I won't bother you when I come back, so I’ll see you in the morning,” Seungkwan smiled, affectionately patting his arm before turning to put on his shoes and follow the rest out. With a few more goodbyes and parting words, the members finally all made it out, the door locking shut with a crisp finality. 

The silence that encroached the entryway felt like a shock to Jeonghan’s system, so much so that his ears started ringing. His insides felt empty, hollow. He stared at the closed door for who knows how long until he heard shuffling behind him, and he turned around to see Seungcheol standing at the end of the hallway, looking at him. 

Whatever numbness Jeonghan had been feeling all night vanished in an instant, overcome by a terrible mix of flaring panic and paralyzing sadness. 

“Can't believe the next time I see you you’ll have a buzz cut,” Seungcheol said in an attempt to lighten the mood. Jeonghan forced out a laugh, but the thought made his stomach clench. He should've gotten his hair cut today, really, but it had been one more thing he'd wanted to hold onto a little longer — he’d grown rather attached to his long hair after all these years. He’d go get it shaved right before the entrance ceremony. 

“Will you even recognize me?” Jeonghan joked. 

“Of course. I’d recognize you anywhere,” Seungcheol replied easily, “But I am worried about how buff you'll get during training. You’ll be more jacked than me by the time you're out.” 

A deep, genuine chuckle escaped from Jeonghan at the thought, “I really don't think that's possible.”

Seungcheol huffed out a small laugh, scratched the back of his head. 

“God, what am I gonna do without you?” 

“You’ll be just fine,” Jeonghan replied, actually believing it. He had to. 

Seungcheol suddenly pulled him into a hug that felt stiff and forced. 

“And what about you?” 

“I’ll — I’ll be fine too.” Jeonghan said after a pause. Seungcheol pulled away, held him at arm's length, as if surveying him. He seemed disappointed with the answer. He cleared his throat and stepped back; Jeonghan didn't want to let go. 

“Well anyways, you gotta take care of yourself. Do your PT exercises and eat properly.” Seungcheol sounded like he was reading from a script. Jeonghan hated how awkward it was between them, this weird tension stunting the moment. It was so unlike them to be so uncomfortable. 

But Jeonghan felt like he was stuck in amber, trapped, unable to do anything except watch everything around him vanish. 

The pair stared at each other in the hallway for an excruciating amount of time. Jeonghan could hear his heartbeat in his ears. 

Eventually, Seungcheol took Jeonghan’s silence as his cue to leave, brushing past him to get to his shoes. And it was like emergency sirens started going off in Jeonghan’s head — no, this isn’t how it was supposed to end, no, he can't leave like this, not when there's so much being left unsaid. For the thousandth time that night, Jeonghan desperately wished he had more time. 

Because Seungcheol was right there, standing in the entryway, slipping his sneakers on, a sad smile ghosting his face. He was right there, only a few feet away, but the distance felt endless. It was too much to bear — the sight of him leaving — Jeonghan couldn't do this.  

“You could stay,” Jeonghan said, quiet and desperate. 

Seungcheol looked up, hand still on the heel of one shoe, examining Jeonghan as if he were searching for something. 

“It’s late, I don't wanna keep you up,” he said, but it came out flat, defeated. 

The desperate thing inside Jeonghan was ready to burst at the seams. It started to slip out.

“I want you to stay,” he replied, the words all rushed. He felt embarrassed and nervous and his palms were sweaty from being clenched into fists in the sweatshirt pockets, “Just for a little longer,” he pleaded, barely above a whisper. Seungcheol's eyebrows raised in surprise. 

“Okay, just a little longer,” he acquiesced and stepped out of his shoes. 

They stood there facing each other in the entryway, neither of them moving, both of them unable to look away. It was that deer in headlights kind of feeling — terrifying, all-encompassing. He kind of felt like he was dying. 

Jeonghan could feel it, their love, such a huge, palpable thing between them. So undeniably there he couldn't believe they'd been able to ignore it for all these years. Jeonghan knew it, he could see in Seungcheol’s face he knew it too, and they both stood there, letting the feeling consume them. 

Something about knowing how little time they had left, the fleeting feeling of sand slipping through fingers, the way they’d never had a goodbye that felt as big as this one — it pushed Jeonghan over the edge, and somehow the sensation of freefalling gave him a courage he'd never had before. He had nothing left to lose. 

“I’m in love with you.”

The words echoed in his brain until his ears rang. Seungcheol’s big eyes blinked as if he couldn't process the words, and it felt like an eternity that he stood there, motionless, frozen. Jeonghan became distinctly aware of the electrical buzz coming from the ceiling light. His freefall bravado rapidly started to turn into the sharp fear of hitting the ground. This was actually the scariest thing he'd ever done. 

Seungcheol blinked and shook his head, the words finally registering, and a sudden bark of laughter shot out of him, startling Jeonghan. He ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat. 

“Sorry, just, I've been in love with you for longer than I can remember. I’ve loved you more than anything else in my life.” 

And now it was Jeonghan's turn to be rendered speechless. He forgot how to breathe, forgot about everything else that existed in the world except this sweet boy in front of him, who had tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. Jeonghan didn't know how to function after hearing that, it was unbearable in a completely different way than it had been earlier. Seungcheol took a step closer to him, slow and cautious, and another, until he was right in front of Jeonghan. 

This whole night had been one big act of letting go, and he had accepted that for what it was, but this, this huge thing between them, he wasn't ready to let go of quite yet. He wanted to hold on for as long as he could. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” Jeonghan said, thinking back to that one night. 

Seungcheol let out another laugh, this one much wetter sounding.

“Don’t be sorry. I would wait forever for you.”

“Oh my god, that's so corny,” a shaky laugh escaped from Jeonghan, and it was only when he felt a wetness on his cheek that he realized he was crying too. Seungcheol brought a hand up to his face, thumb rubbing away the stray tear. 

“If you don't like corny, this is your last chance to back out.”

“I’m not backing out of anything right now.” Jeonghan didn't think he could move even if he tried. His body was moving closer to Seungcheol's like some outside force was pulling them together. If there was ever a time to believe in a higher power, or miracles, or anything of that sort, Jeonghan was sure this was it.

“Then what are we gonna do about it?” Seungcheol asked. Jeonghan's eyes flicked down to his lips, and he was certain Seungcheol caught the movement.

“I think you should kiss me,” Jeonghan murmured, causing Seungcheol to inhale sharply. His eyes were slightly red from the tears, and blown wide from the dim hallway light, and Jeonghan couldn't look away. He’d never wanted anything so badly. 

Seungcheol moved his hand to the nape of his neck, then Jeonghan was being pulled into the softest kiss of his life, all tender and loving, gentle lips folding into each other like flowers at dusk. 

It was perfect and world-altering and all too short, as Seungcheol pulled away and rested his forehead against Jeonghan's, their noses bumping against each other. 

“Like that?” Seungcheol asked. 

“Yeah,” Jeonghan breathed, fingers brushing against Seungcheol’s  jaw, “You should do it again.” 

The words were hardly out of his mouth when Seungcheol's lips were on his again. A whole different beast, this kiss, all that pent up desperation and years of yearning coming out full force. Their lips crashed against each other, deep and hot — Jeonghan felt wild. He pressed his tongue into Seungcheol's mouth who reciprocated immediately, hands scrambling to grab onto hair, neck, arms, anywhere they could find purchase. It was frenetic; it was everything Jeonghan had ever wanted. 

Seungcheol pushed him up against the nearby wall, and feeling the full length of their bodies against each other made Jeonghan shiver. They kissed until they needed to come up for air, breathing heavily into each other's mouths. Seungcheol smoothed a hand down Jeonghan’s side until it came to rest at his waist. 

“We should—” Seungcheol said at the same time as Jeonghan said, “Do you wanna—”

Both paused and after a moment of silence burst into giggles. Seungcheol smiled and pressed a kiss to the soft spot at the base of Jeonghan's jaw, right under his ear. 

“You first.”

Jeonghan cleared his throat, still nervous about pushing the situation farther than was acceptable. They were treading in unknown water and he didn't want to drown. 

“Do you wanna take this to my room?” 

“I want anything you're willing to give.” 

Jeonghan didn't know whether to laugh or cry, just nodded and brought their lips together again, pushing Seungcheol in the direction of his bedroom. Their lips didn't part as they stumbled through the living room, through the door, until Seungcheol’s knees hit the mattress and he fell backwards onto the bed, taking Jeonghan with him. 

They landed with a flop on the soft comforter and Seungcheol immediately rolled them over so he was on top, and oh, Seungcheol was on top of him , Jeonghan had dreamt about this more times than he cared to admit, and now having the real thing was making him feel a bit crazy. He could feel all those big muscles, warmth radiating through his shirt, and god, why was his shirt still on? This was insulting. 

Seungcheol was kissing him, pressing him into the bed, and Jeonghan struggled to tug at the hem of his shirt. “Off,” he mumbled into his mouth. 

Seungcheol leaned back and pulled the shirt off over his head, and oh, now he was shirtless, and Jeonghan hadn't really realized how overwhelming it would be to have Seungcheol shirtless in his bed. 

Turns out, it was very overwhelming. 

“Oh,” Jeonghan said, his brain light years behind the rest of his body, “Wow.”

He wanted to kick himself for how stupid he sounded, but who could blame him? Seungcheol had muscles for days, and they were all right in front of him, and Jeonghan was a weak man when it came to this sort of thing. 

Seungcheol smirked, clearly trying to be subtle about flexing his arms, which he wasn't, but it still had the intended effect on Jeonghan. He ran his hands all over, anywhere he could reach, the smooth skin rippling over taut muscle. He felt dizzy, and so, so horny. He shifted as his pants started to feel tight. 

“Your turn,” Seungcheol grinned, peeling first the hoodie off Jeonghan’s shoulders, then his shirt. Now, Jeonghan was by no means self conscious of his body — living with some of the most jacked guys he’d ever seen for the better part of a decade had forced him to get over his self esteem issues a long time ago — but something about Seungcheol’s massive body towering over him made him feel miniscule. He wanted to hide, and tried to cover up his body doing so. 

“Stop that,” Seungcheol tsk’d and swatted his hands away, “You're beautiful.”

Jeonghan melted a bit at the words. Seungcheol lifted his chin up with a finger and pulled him into a kiss, passionate like the stuff you see in movies. Jeonghan melted even more. 

It turned into more fumbling of getting clothes off until they were both down to their underwear, and Seungcheol was grinding against Jeonghan and the rough friction of fabric between their lengths was enough to make Jeonghan moan into Seungcheol’s mouth. 

Seungcheol was groaning too, then slipping a hand into Jeonghan’s boxers, wrapping it around his cock, and Jeonghan should've been embarrassed at the sounds that were coming out of his mouth, but he was too absorbed in the feeling of Seungcheol’s hand on him to care about anything else. 

Once again he tugged at the hem of Seungcheol's underwear until he got the message to take them off, his cock springing free. 

“Fuck,” Jeonghan said, mouth hanging open in shock as he looked down. Seungcheol was big. Like, very big. Jeonghan was at a bit of a loss. 

Then they were kissing again, bodies fully pressed against each other, skin on skin, body temperature rising. Jeonghan used one hand to wrap around both of them, causing them both to moan at the sensation. 

“Jeonghan,” Seungcheol said, “Jeonghan, I want—” Seungcheol couldn't finish his sentence, just brought his hand down Jeonghan’s ass, finger ghosting over his hole. 

“Fuck,” Jeonghan groaned, nodding. It seemed to be the only word he was capable of saying. 

“There’s stuff in the bottom drawer,” he said, waving his arm in the general direction of the nightstand. Seungcheol had to climb off him to reach in the drawer, scrambling around until he found what he needed. It gave Jeonghan time to scoot more up the bed until he was properly on the pillows, run a hand through his hair as he leaned back on his elbows, chest flushed and heaving. 

Seungcheol came back with a bottle of lube and a row of condoms, throwing them unceremoniously on the bed. He gently pushed Jeonghan’s knees apart until his legs were spread. Jeonghan felt incredibly exposed. The pair stared at each other in heavy silence. 

“Hi,” Seungcheol said, smoothing his hands over Jeonghan's thighs. 

“Hi,” Jeonghan replied stupidly. His brain had hit capacity long ago and was now running on fumes. All he could think about was getting Seungcheol's dick in any one of his holes. 

“Gonna make this so good for you,” Seungcheol murmured. 

“You're always good to me,” Jeonghan said easily because it was true. 

“Fuck,” Seungcheol ran a hair through his hair, huffing out a breath, “Gonna make you feel so good, baby.”

And oh, Jeonghan liked being called that. Something like a whimper escaped from his mouth.  

“Yeah?” Seungcheol asked, smirking, popping open the lube and spreading it on his fingers. 

“Yeah,” Jeonghan said breathlessly. 

And then Seungcheol was pressing a finger into him, then two, and god, he was tight, it had been a while, the stretch was making him gasp each time Seungcheol shoved his fingers in. Three fingers had Jeonghan positively writhing on the bed, grasping at the sheets, feeling delirious. 

“Seungcheol, please,” he gasped, “Want you so bad.”

“Fuck, okay yeah,” Seungcheol nodded, reaching for the condoms. Suddenly the idea of anything separating them seemed like an insult, and Jeonghan stopped Seungcheol’s hand by lacing their fingers together. 

“I’m clean,” he looked up at Seungcheol with big eyes. Eyes that he used on Seungcheol when he wanted something. It worked, of course it did, because Seungcheol blinked slowly at the implication, mouth open like a fish. 

“Me too… Fuck, Jeonghan,” he groaned, abandoning the condoms. 

“That is the goal, isn't it?” Jeonghan teased. He loved getting what he wanted. 

“You're gonna kill me,” Seungcheol whined, running a hand through his hair again. Must be a habit he does when he’s overwhelmed, Jeonghan realized. How cute. Seungcheol brought the hand to tuck a piece of hair behind Jeonghan’s ear, then trailed down to cup his face. 

“You're beautiful,” Seongcheol said for the second time that night. Jeonghan blushed at the praise. Seungcheol's gaze turned dark, he leaned in close to Jeonghan's mouth, thumb brushing over his bottom lip. 

“And you're mine.”

A chill ran down Jeonghan’s spine at the sudden possessiveness. He could get used to that. 

“Always,” he whispered, and it was enough for Seungcheol to crash their lips together, his other hand lubing up his dick, giving it a few pumps. Then he was pushing in, and Jeonghan felt like he was being split in two, like certainly this was the end of everything. He desperately clung to Seungcheol like a lifeline. 

Seungcheol seemed to be suffering just as much based on the endless string of low moans and curses he was letting out, eyes shut, brow furrowed in concentration. They weren't even kissing, just breathing heavily into each other’s mouths, foreheads resting against each other’s. After an eternity, he bottomed out, and Jeonghan started to get used to the stretch. 

“Y–you can move,” he patted Seungcheol’s back to encourage him on, but Seungcheol just shook his head, eyes still scrunched shut. 

“Not yet,” he muttered, sounding pained. 

“No it’s fine, I’m fine, really, you can go,” Jeonghan insisted, but Seungcheol didn't budge an inch. 

“Jeonghan, if I move, I’m gonna come,” he whined. His whole body was trembling in effort to restrain himself. 

It suddenly hit Jeonghan that his best friend’s dick was inside him, and how they were both stupidly horny, and just plain stupid, and the whole thing was kind of ridiculous, and Jeonghan was so in love, and he started giggling. Seungcheol finally opened his eyes, looking at him with a rather annoyed expression given the position they were in. 

“It’s not funny,” he sulked. Now it was Jeonghan’s turn to cup the other’s face. 

“No, it’s not that, it’s just, I love you. Like, so much.”

Seungcheol’s face broke into something so open, so raw and tender, Jeonghan fell even more in love. 

“Oh my god,” Seungcheol hid his face in Jeonghan’s neck, his voice came out like a sob, “Love you so much, Hannie. Wanted this for so long.” 

Jeonghan heard a muffled sob, felt his neck grow wet, and then Seungcheol was finally moving, thrusting his hips in and out, and it was everything Jeonghan had ever wanted. Nothing had ever felt like this before. It was all he could do to hold on as tight to Seungcheol as possible, wrap his legs around his waist, try to meet his strokes halfway to get deeper. The visceral sounds of skin on skin filled the room. Seungcheol kept choking out sweet words into Jeonghan's ear, and Jeonghan could only reply with a punched out mewing sound, accentuated by each thrust. They were so closely pressed together Jeonghan was sure they'd meld into one form, he wanted that even, to stay like this forever. 

Then Seungcheol snaked one hand in between them, wrapped it around Jeonghan’s length, pumping in time with his thrusts, and Jeonghan knew he was a goner. He came with a gasp of Seungcheol’s name, nails scratching down his back, whole body shaking from the intensity of his orgasm. 

He always got so sensitive after coming, but kind of lived for the overstimulation, spewing an endless stream of gasps and obscenities into Seungcheol’s ear, and it wasn't long before his thrusts grew erratic and his groans turned into high pitched whines, and then he stilled, holding onto Jeonghan so tight he was worried it might leave bruises. 

Seungcheol went boneless a second later, flopping his whole body onto Jeonghan, causing the other to grunt at the sudden weight. They were both hot and sweaty, chests heaving from trying to catch their breaths, but Jeonghan could feel Seungcheol’s heartbeat against his, and everything felt right. 

Jeonghan pulled Seungcheol into a deep kiss that lasted until they were breathless. When Seungcheol finally pulled away, his eyes were red and tearstains lined his cheeks. Jeonghan was sure he looked much the same. Seungcheol slowly pulled out, and they both winced — Jeonghan particularly hated this part, feeling so empty after feeling so full. But Seungcheol was like a psychic and shoved two fingers into Jeonghan, slowly scissoring them, seemingly fixated on all the cum oozing out. 

“Fuck,” he grunted. 

“We should do this more often,” Jeonghan said, squirming at the sensation. 

“Can't believe we hadn't done this sooner,” Seungcheol replied. 

Both statements carried a lot of baggage. The former they'd need to properly talk through at some point, but Jeonghan was sure they'd figure it out. The latter, well, there was no use dwelling on the past. They both knew why this hadn't happened sooner; it wasn't without reason. What mattered was that they were here now, and Jeonghan was happy, and for the first time in so long the future seemed less scary, because he had Seungcheol, and they would get through it together. 

Seungcheol pulled out his fingers and grabbed some tissues from the nightstand and wiped up the mess. Flopping down next to Jeonghan on his back, he let out a heavy sigh. Never one to miss an opportunity, Jeonghan was quick to snuggle up into the warmth of Seungcheol’s side, resting his head on his chest, and Seungcheol was quick to wrap his arms around him. 

“You're amazing,” he whispered into the top of Jeonghan’s head. 

“You are too,” Jeonghan leaned up to peck Seungcheol’s cheek. And irresistible as it was, the urge to cause mischief came out. “It’s amazing how much you cry during sex.”

“Oh my god,” Seungcheol groaned, whacking him on the back. Jeonghan burst into giggles. “You're terrible,” he whined. “Of course I cried. I’ve wanted this for years but honestly thought it would never happen. And I’m gonna miss you. Fuck, this is so embarrassing.” 

Seungcheol wiped a hand over his face, hiding fresh tears, but Jeonghan pulled it away. 

“Don't be embarrassed, it's cute,“ Jeonghan grinned, “And I'm gonna miss you too. But I’ll have days off, and we can see each other then. We’ll make it work.”

Seungcheol just looked at him with a pout. 

“I know,” Seungcheol whined, wrapping his arms around Jeonghan and squeezing so tight he felt like he was going to get crushed. Jeonghan really liked that, if he was being honest. 

“And I’m sorry,” Jeonghan said, hesitant, “I’m sorry I made you wait so long.”

The guilt of knowing Seungcheol thought he’d never have this, well, it wasn't the most pleasant feeling he’d experienced. 

“Hey,” came Seungcheol’s gentle voice, a finger at Jeonghan’s chin guiding him to look up. 

“Even if we had only been friends our whole lives, just having you by my side would've been enough. You've brought me so much happiness. Things happen when they're supposed to happen. I have no regrets about anything.” 

His voice was solid, warm, and sure. The voice Jeonghan had grown to trust so much. He would follow that voice anywhere. 

He felt his eyes prickle and brought a hand up to wipe away a tear. 

“Now you're making me cry,” he whacked his hand against Seungcheol’s chest. 

“Not sorry about it,” Seungcheol sing-songed, pulling him into another crushing bear hug. 

Jeonghan squawked and tried to squirm out of the hold, only for Seungcheol to double down and start peppering his face with kisses. It led to real kissing, deep and slow, until Seungcheol pulled away to turn off the light, claiming they needed sleep, only to kiss Jeonghan more in the dark. 

They were curled up close, bodies flush and tacky against one another, and Jeonghan was certain he’d wake up overheated in the middle of the night. But he didn't mind, because that meant he'd be waking up to Seungcheol in his bed, and that meant Seungcheol was his, and Jeonghan was honest enough to admit he wanted it to be that way forever. 

Jeonghan wondered how this night would look once it turned into a memory. How would he remember it in one year, two years, or ten years from now? Of course he couldn't predict the future, but he had a feeling that he’d hold onto this memory for a long time. For now, he’d file it away with all the other beautiful moments of his life, so that when he took it out again, at least in some way he could stay like this a little longer.