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Tony was the first to step into the dimly lit room, peeking his head past the door frame, hoping to God that it was empty. He had a habit of avoiding people, something he knew came across the wrong way sometimes. Tony’s introverted personality seemed to intimidate people, misinterpreting his quietness as rudeness, when most of the time he would have to muster up the courage to even talk to those around him, especially those he didn’t know too well.
He was soon met with disappointment as he saw a woman sitting on a small sofa. She had nothing with her, aside from her phone to which her eyes had been plastered to. Vic had arranged for them to be interviewed right after their set, something about wanting to be able to get themselves out there, as it hadn’t been too long since they released their first album and they hadn’t really gained much traction yet.
Tony wondered if he could simply walk away, giving some sort of excuse as to why he didn’t want to participate in what he deemed a meaningless interview. It wasn’t that Tony wanted to be an asshole, he knew these were people’s jobs, and that most of the time they had no control over the questions they had to ask. Yet it didn’t make Tony any less annoyed when they asked about their personal lives and not the music they were creating. Tony just didn’t feel like dealing with any of that.
“Oh, hey Tone!” Jaime came up from behind him, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Tony flinched, stumbling forward at the sudden extra weight he had to keep up. “Looks like you found our interviewer.”
The woman on the couch looked up from her phone, giving the two of them a smile. “Hi. I’m Corey. Nice to meet you both.”
Jaime, being his normal self, extended his arms to give her a small hug, introducing himself. Tony smiled awkwardly, muttering a small hello as he moved past her. He plopped himself down on a small sofa chair in the furthermost corner, making sure to sit within the frame of the camera that had been set up in front of him. He slightly fixed the snapback that rested atop of his head, tucking the loose strands of his hair that peeked out behind his ears and pulling up the hood of his sweater over his hat. He leaned back into the chair, shutting his eyes for a while before hearing another pair of footsteps enter the room.
A familiar scent filled the room and his heart skipped a beat. He opened his eyes and locked them with Vic’s. He didn’t know whether to give him a small wave, or a smile, not wanting to appear too excited at his sudden presence. Tony and Vic had been together for nearly a year now — if he could even consider cuddling, making out and the occasional blowjob every so often as “going out” — and somehow it felt like he knew everything about him yet nothing at all.
He mentally cursed at himself for being an idiot and overthinking anything he did, but before he could make up his mind, Corey stood in between Tony’s line of sight, extending her hand to shake Vic’s. Tony peeled his eyes away, holding back a scoff as he played with the threads of fabric on his distressed jeans.
He couldn’t wait for this to be over.
Jaime was settled next to Tony, sitting on the all too small arm rest, but it didn’t seem to bother him. Vic sat next to Jaime, relaxed as he spoke into the camera, explaining the origin of their band name for the millionth time. Tony wondered if Vic ever felt the urge to rip his hair out from answering the same questions every time they got interviewed. God knows he would’ve gone insane.
The interview went just about as Tony would’ve expected, Vic taking the lead as he talked about the inspiration behind their album, what touring in a cramped RV was like while Jaime chimed in with the occasional banter, teasing Vic or referencing events that happened at previous shows.
It was at times like this that Tony was grateful that he didn’t get asked too many questions. He liked speaking every once in a while, when he felt like he actually contributed something to the conversation. He hated talking when an interviewer asked a question to someone else, only to give Tony a mindless “And you?”, as if he was just some kind of after thought.
It was halfway down a list of “This or That” icebreakers that Tony noticed the interviewer had eyes for no one but Vic. She sat on the couch, leaning on one of her hands as she had her legs crossed, the tip of her high heels slightly coming into contact with the fabric of Vic’s jeans. Tony bit the inside of his cheek, trying to ignore the obvious flirting.
“Single or taken?”
The question lingered in the air for a couple seconds. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been asked this question before. There was an unspoken rule between the guys when it came to answering questions about their personal relationships. Everyone was “single“ unless they were willing to make whatever relationship they had at the time, public. It seemed like a fair enough rule, one that was established on the first couple of days the band was formed. Tony knew what he had to say, but looking at Vic going along with the interviewer's flirty comments and suggestive eyes, he felt the need to instill a bit of panic into Vic.
“Taken.” Tony was the first to speak, Jaime quickly turning to give Tony a look. Tony couldn’t meet his gaze as he looked down and played with the hem of his shirt, unexpectedly embarrassed by how fast he responded to the question.
He peeked up to see Vic staring at him with an indiscernible look across his face. Tony gave him a subtle smile, only to be met with Vic looking away, slightly rolling his eyes.
He felt his stomach drop, and really wished he would’ve just kept quiet. Jaime mumbled a quick response, turning his head to Vic, who sat on the chair with his arms across his chest. Vic tapped his foot lightly against the floor, the interviewer leaning in curiously. “And you, Vic?”
Vic had a million thoughts running through his head. Tony’s answer had caught him off guard, sending a wave of heat all over his body. He didn’t expect Tony to be this reckless, there were no social media posts that would link him to any girl, and surely people would put two and two together if Vic had given the same answer.
“S…” Vic began to drag out his syllables, the interviewer leaned in, looking at him with a playful glint in her eyes. “T…” Tony’s head snapped up, his heart picking up its pace. He felt his ears starting to burn up, wondering why such a minuscule action had him feeling this way. Vic leaned back in his chair and rubbed the back of his neck, “It’s complicated.”
Tony felt his heart sink as the interview giggled and put her hand on Vic’s knees, caressing him lightly in an attempt to console him. He could feel his face turning a deep shade of red, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill out of eyes.
Vic couldn’t bring himself to look Tony in the eye after what he had just said. He knew it hurt Tony to hear those words out loud, but there wasn’t anything Vic could do in this situation. They had agreed to keep what they had hidden from everyone, even Jaime.
Vic laughed awkwardly as the interviewer continued on with the ice breakers. He seemed to notice Tony being quieter than usual as the rest of the interview dragged on.
---
Tony silently followed behind Vic as they made their way back to their vehicle. The parking lot was nearly deserted as they cut through it to reach their RV that had been parked behind the venue. Tony felt the lump in his throat growing, his chest a bundle of nerves. He watched as Vic slowly seemed to be getting farther and farther away from him, the smell of exhaust fumes prickling his nose.
"What was that?" The words left Tony’s mouth before he could control himself. He didn’t recognize his voice at all, it sounded weak, almost pathetic.
"What?" Vic’s voice was laced with a certain annoyance as he stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Tony.
"It’s complicated?” Tony repeated back what Vic had responded to the interviewer, drawing air quotes as he spoke. “Are you serious?”
Tony looked at Vic, his eyes scanning the expression that Vic wore. He could tell Vic was tired, and if it were any other day he wouldn’t be putting up a fight. But the way Vic had acted with the woman who had interviewed them just minutes ago had pushed Tony’s buttons and he just wasn’t willing to let it go.
Vic sighed, knowing far too well how this was going to go. “Come on, Tone. I’m tired.” He looked at Tony with pleading eyes, wanting nothing more than to crawl into his bunk and get a good night’s sleep.
Vic had been dealing with insomnia lately, and he didn’t know if it was the stress of back to back shows or the all nighters he would pull in order to make sure their merch designs were nothing but perfection. It didn’t seem to matter at this moment, as he gave Tony another small sigh before turning to walk away.
Tony sped up to grab Vic’s wrist, leaving him stuck in place. Vic turned around, and he could see Tony looking at him with a sense of desperation.
“Why didn’t you..” Tony’s voice trailed off as he caught himself from saying something he’d regret. He quickly let go of Vic’s wrist and sighed. “I thought we had something.” Tony looked at Vic with confusion. Surely he didn’t forget about all those moments they had shared? Tony’s mind was racing, memories flooding back to him.
Meeting for the first time at the guitar shop where Tony had a part time job, he remembered the smile that played on Vic’s lip as he slid Tony his number on a crumpled up piece of paper. Tony knew Vic had used the excuse of needing a guitar player in order to make conversation, yet he played along. Tony was intrigued by him, and getting to know him through his songwriting and guitar playing only added to his infatuation.
“Do you even know what it’s like, Vic?” Tony had a slight tremble to his voice, but he was determined to keep himself composed. “It really sucks…to have someone you’re dating just completely disregard-“
“Did you seriously expect me to say I’m dating you in front of everybody?” Vic interrupted him, speaking before he could think, his tone harsher than he had intended for it to be. There was a mix of anger and exhaustion starting to bubble up inside him, and he couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “We’re not dating.”
There was a brief moment of silence and Vic instantly regretted saying those words. His mind went blank for a second, not knowing how Tony would respond. Of course Vic didn’t mean it, but he wasn’t technically wrong. Vic had more than a handful of previous casual relationships and hookups, and he knew whatever he had going on with Tony didn’t fall into either category.
Vic thought back to when Tony had brought up the fact that he wanted them to be exclusive the moment they first kissed. They hadn’t decided they’d put a label on whatever it was they had, but either way, Vic was never used to that and it caught him completely off guard. But Tony was different, and made him feel different, so for once in his life he decided it wouldn’t be too bad to bask in the warm feeling Tony brought over him.
However, it was in moments like this that brought Vic to reality. He knew Tony wanted something more intimate, something that always made Vic feel suffocated. It was as though his heart was going to burst right out of his chest, and the thought truly scared him. It scared him so much that all he could do was push Tony away before it got too real.
“Oh.” Vic’s eyes flickered up, and he could see Tony biting down on his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. Vic’s eyes widened slightly; He knew it was too late to say anything to comfort Tony. He had already broken his heart twice in less than an hour.
Vic could only do the one thing he knew how to do best. He decided to run away.
“I’m going to go help Jaime at the merch table,” Vic muttered as he walked past Tony. “Just go back to the RV, Tony.”
Vic could feel Tony’s gaze follow him as he walked away, and it took everything in him to not look back, leaving Tony standing alone under the flickering lamp posts.
———
Vic slipped in through the back door of the venue, squeezing his way past the bodies in the crowd. His eyes scanned the area, trying to find Jaime and their small merch booth that was supposed to be nestled in the corner, illuminated by a shitty lamplight they’d bought at Home Depot.
Vic frowned as he realized that their table had never been set up. He turned to look for Jaime and spotted him leaning against the door frame of one of the dressing rooms that had belonged to them for the night. Jaime’s eyes met Vic’s and there was a flicker of something Vic couldn’t quite recognize. Jaime motioned at Vic, making his way into the room as Vic weaved through the crowd.
Vic stepped into the familiar room, closing the door behind him. The music thumped loudly through the walls, something Vic was grateful for as he knew the conversation he was about to have with Jaime wouldn’t be accidentally overheard.
Jaime sat on the small couch, and before Vic could ask him why he’d let some other band take over their merch spot, Jaime had spoken, “You’re an idiot.”
Jaime’s words had taken Vic by surprise. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, but as he stared at Jaime, he had realized there was no real anger, just frustration lingering on his face.
“What are you talking about?” Vic feigned ignorance, struggling to maintain eye contact with Jaime. “More importantly, our merch-”
“I had to ask Corey not to upload that interview, you know.” Jaime interrupted Vic, leaning back onto the couch. The words that left Jaime’s mouth brought a sudden wave of nausea over Vic.
“Why would you do that?” Vic dug his fingernails into the palm of his hands, ignoring the stinging sensation of his skin breaking ever so slightly from the pressure.
Jaime scoffed, before standing up from the couch. “I know about you and Tony.”
Vic could feel the beads of sweat that rolled down his back, his skin burning. His head was a swirling mess of excuses, trying to think of anything to say. “I don’t know what he told you, Jaime, but-“
“He’s my best friend, Vic! Do you seriously think he wouldn’t confide in me?” Jaime looked at Vic with dark eyes. Vic looked down at the floor, not brave enough to look at Jaime. “And it hurts.. the fact that you’d think I’d judge you guys? C’mon, dude, you know me better than that.”
“You’re right,” Vic sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was slightly embarrassed at the fact that he let himself think the worst of Jaime. “I’m sorry, Hime…”
“It’s not me you should be apologizing to.” Jaime sat back down on the couch, crossing his arms. “He doesn’t deserve this.” There was a hint of jealousy in Jaime’s voice, and Vic would’ve picked up on it if he weren’t so preoccupied with feeling ashamed of hiding something so important from Jaime.
“I know, Jaime, I know. Why the fuck do you think I’m pushing him away?” Vic’s voice was unsteady as he walked over to sit on the couch next to Jaime. He slumped back and looked up at the ceiling, his mind going a mile a minute.
Jaime frowned before turning to look at Vic. “What are you so scared of, Vic?”
Vic thought for a second. He was scared of everything. He was never one to think about forever in a relationship, much less actually want to be with someone for so long. People change over time, and he could never see that as something positive. “I just…don't think I can give him what he wants.”
“And do you know what that is?” Vic remained quiet as Jaime continued to stare at him expectantly. Jaime sighed before placing his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t fuck this up, Vic. I know you both care a lot for each other.”
Vic hummed in response. “And there’s also the fact that if people were to find out about us, they’d be so cruel. I don’t want to put him through that.”
Jaime nodded quietly before standing up from the couch. He wanted to offer Vic some comfort, but he knew anything he said wouldn’t be much use. “Don’t just say that if you’re using it as an excuse to protect yourself.” Vic felt his stomach drop. “Go talk to him, Vic.” Jaime opened the door to the room, stepping out and leaving Vic alone in the dimly lit room.
---
Jaime’s words were replaying in Vic’s head as he made his way back into the RV. He walked up the steps, closing the door behind him; He wondered if Tony had come back here after their small argument, or if he had gone to one of the after parties the other band was having. Vic knew Tony had a habit of drinking too much, always getting himself in some kind of trouble. He had hoped he decided to stay in the RV this time, knowing he would’ve made some stupid, reckless mistakes to blow off some steam.
Vic walked towards their bunks, making sure his steps were quiet. It was almost silent, nothing but the hum of the RV engine reverberating throughout the small vehicle. Vic heard small stifled cries coming from one particular bunk, and he stopped in his tracks. His stomach dropped as he continued to listen to the mix of uneven breaths and hiccups.
“Tony?”
Vic could hear a small sharp inhale, leaving them both in silence as the quiet cries had stopped; The slight rumbling of the RV engine was almost deafening. Vic’s heart started to race in his chest at the lack of response. He reached over to pull the small curtains apart, the sudden screech of metal making Tony flinch.
Tony was facing the wall with the thin covers draped over his body, his back towards Vic. He quickly wiped his tears with the sleeves of his hoodie, knowing it was futile as Vic had already heard what he was desperately trying to hide.
There was a brief pause and Tony could feel Vic’s eyes burning into the back of his head. He felt a slight dip in the thin mattress of the bunk, making Tony want to pull the covers even closer to his body. Vic’s voice was low and hesitant, “Do you mind if I lay next to you?”
Tony hesitated for a moment before muttering, “Just do whatever you want.” His voice was hoarse, making his throat itch.
Vic chewed on his bottom lip, wondering if he should just leave things the way they are. He’d done it before. He could always do it again. But this was Tony. Vic would hate himself if he let himself ruin everything by not attempting to try and fix things.
He slowly slid himself next to Tony, making sure to pull the curtains slightly closed. There was only a small leak of light peeking through the curtains as Vic stared at Tony’s back.
Tony’s scent slowly trailed up Vic’s nose, and he wondered how someone could still smell so good after being drenched in sweat. Vic found himself wanting to wrap his arms around Tony and pull him close, but he knew he couldn’t possibly do that now.
“I’m sorry...about the interview.” Vic finally spoke, his voice a small whisper. There was no response and Vic knew that’s not what Tony wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry for saying that, Tony. I didn’t mean it.” Vic could feel his voice come out shaky and he closed his eyes for a second, reminding himself to take a deep breath.
Tony could hear how nervous Vic was, and he couldn’t help but give in. He shifted his body to face Vic, their faces were centimeters apart in the small bunk. Vic could feel Tony’s breath on his nose, and the closeness had his heart pounding. Vic opened his eyes to see Tony looking down at him, and regret instantly flooded him. Tony’s eyes were bloodshot and puffy; Tear marks stained the sides of his flushed face, his nose and lips a slight red color.
Vic had never seen Tony cry before. It pained him to know that the first time he was seeing him so vulnerable and raw was because of his hurtful words. “It kinda felt like you did...” Tony murmured as he looked into Vic’s eyes.
Vic sighed and tore his eyes away from Tony’s, settling on the wall behind him. There was a lot Vic wanted to say, things he wanted Tony to understand, but there was only so much he could put into actual words. “You know I’m not used to this, Tone.”
“And I already told you before…we don’t need to rush anything.” Tony’s voice was gentle and it made Vic feel guilty. Tony was always like that, making Vic feel as though his feelings were always valid even if Vic knew he was hurting him.
“I know but… it just feels like you want more. Asking for us to be exclusive definitely isn’t taking it slow.” Vic knew he was making excuses again, and he wished he could just say what he meant.
“That was months ago, Vic.” Tony’s voice was now a little bit louder, “I’m sorry if it made you feel like that but…you could’ve said something to me.” Vic still couldn’t look Tony in the eyes, he felt horrible now. Tony kept reassuring Vic despite the fact that Vic had done nothing but spew out hurtful things to him not even two hours ago.
“You look at me like I’m the greatest thing you’ve ever seen and it scares me, Tony.” Vic’s voice trembled. He didn’t want to let Tony know how afraid he was of disappointing him, of Tony seeing how ugly he can get when he bottles everything up. Vic knew from his previous situationships just how nasty things could get, and he didn’t want the same to happen with Tony. If it meant that things would stay the same between them if he kept a distance, Vic would rather have that.
But there was always a nagging feeling inside of him, part of him wanting more as well.
“Vic…we’re with each other every day.” Tony’s voice had become a little playful, “If I were going to get tired of you, I’m pretty sure it would’ve happened by now.” Vic let out a small chuckle, letting Tony’s words provide him with a small sense of relief.
“And I’m scared of everyone finding out too, you know. People are ruthless.” Vic never had to worry about his previous relationships. Tony was not only his bandmate, but a guy. It never bothered him when they were alone, giggling and cuddling in their bunk. Or whenever they messed around backstage when no one was looking, sneaking glances at each other on stage. It was a different story though, when Vic realized they couldn’t keep it between them at all if they really wanted to go somewhere with what they had.
“I’m scared too, Vic. Terrified, actually.” Tony let out a nervous laugh. “But..we have each other..” Vic remained silent, waiting for Tony to continue speaking, but all he did was stare at Vic. Tony had a worried look across his face, staring deep into Vic’s eyes. Vic could feel his heart shatter into a million pieces as he realized just how much Tony had been trying for the both of them.
He felt like an idiot for being so cowardly. “I want to try, Tony. I can’t promise I won’t fuck up, but I promise I’m gonna try.” Vic could feel the weight on his chest feel a little bit lighter as Tony smiled down at him.
“Then…that can be enough, right?” Tony reached down to intertwine his hand with Vic’s, bringing it up to rest against his cheek. “For now, at least.”
Vic stared into Tony’s eyes and he could see the admiration sparkling off of them along with a mix of a hundred different emotions that made Vic want to curl up next to him and cry. He could feel the familiar lump in his throat start to build up, and he blinked his tears away rapidly.
“Yeah…okay.” Vic breathed out, not noticing that he’d been holding his breath. Tony reached up to caress Vic’s cheek, running his thumb along his bottom lip.
Tony pressed a soft gentle kiss on Vic’s lips. Their lips lingered there for a second before Vic pulled away, wrapping his arms around Tony, burying his head in his chest. Tony nestled his head at the top of Vic’s, rubbing small circles on Vic’s back. They laid there silently, listening to the sound of each other’s breathing. Tony had to bite back the three words that were dying to jump out of his throat. He didn’t want to lose what they had right now, and if Vic needed time then that’s what Tony would give him.
Tony didn’t mind waiting.