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The Master certainly knew how to make first impressions that stick, for better or worse.
‘You look like me’, Theta once thought. ‘You look like a challenge’, the Doctor thought later. And ‘you look like this is going to be fun, old friend’, much later.
‘You look mad.’
‘You look like death.’
And the third time he met this particular face it was just ‘You look like you know exactly how much I hate you right now.’
And before, with her, there was no thinking past ‘You look like you don’t regret kissing me’ to do anything about it.
But it was never like this. Never.
Something was wrong the next time they met. Very, very wrong. Different.
You look like a timebomb.
That was her first thought when she’d opened the door to his knocks. Four of them.
There’s no way she could have been prepared for the wave of sheer gladness and relief that washed over her when she recognized the man standing there on the dark street, who else could it be?, and it burned pure, hot and blinding until it pooled deep in her chest.
Unfiltered. Unhidden. Unwanted, maybe. And the intensity of it made her recoil and fight down the urge to lean forward, hug him, breathe him in, feel him, hold him as close as she could to make sure he was alive.
There was something in his eyes too. Surprise maybe? Well. She wasn’t bold enough to call it admiration.
“You. You-”
(You can’t be.)
Well. Not much time to dwell on this and the otherwise incredibly unspectacular reunion (which wasn’t how she imagined it to be- Rassilon, it wasn’t how she’d imagined her Thursday to be- he was just… there. Bit disappointing, honestly) and even if those five seconds of shared recognition in each other felt like an eternity in itself, it wasn’t. Just five seconds.
It was him who couldn’t endure it for another.
She didn’t know what set her off and into dumbfounded resentment more, the fob watch that he held in his opened hand wordlessly or the expression he offered it with.
Maybe it was both. Yes, definitely both.
It made her drive her nails into her own palm until her knuckles went white.
“You can’t be serious.” Something told her he was. The Doctor let her eyes flick between the Master’s face and the watch. “Worst. Hello. Ever. You don’t need me for this. Do that yourself.”
There’s a difference, she knew, between hiding alone and giving your life, essence and everything that you are deliberately in the hands of someone else to keep watch over. Someone you trust. Completely and without question.
They’re switching places here and she didn’t like this at all. And those big, brown puppy-eyes-
“No? Okay. What is this then, a demand? A joke? A surrender? Another trick to get me?”, she continued as flatly as she could to not give away how much this unsettles her. The Master just shook his head shortly.
“None of that.”
“Well, this won’t do. You owe me a why. I’m entitled to that, at least. Do you know what you’re asking of me?”
“I do. No, I do. I just… want to forget something, Doctor.” That was an understatement and he was looking for the right words now, judging by the way his mouth opened and closed a few times. Words he swallowed back down before they could make it past his lips. “Everything”, is what he settled on. “Make me forget. Make me into someone I can bear to be.”
Timebomb. Right, yes, gotta remember that before this blows up in her face. There was no telling what move, touch or word would set him off and into destruction. Exciting, this. Somehow.
He smelled like smoke, too. And cinnamon.
She leaned against the doorframe with crossed arms and a raised chin, not giving in. No, not this time. This wasn’t enough. Not when he’s just there at her doorstep, ignoring their usual game, their rules, not giving her more when the Master had always been so proud to rub the plan and his ego right in her face.
She could be stubborn too. She could pick him apart to look at his inner workings until she had this figured out.
And forgiveness, apparently, didn’t come as easy for her as it had before.
The Master hadn’t expected this closed-off reaction, judging by the way his eyes went just a little wider, by the way bit his lip and looked away. Scratched his eyebrow. Made a little sound with the breath he let out sharply through his nose.
Oh, he hated being here, didn’t he? He hated all of this, and he hated how much being near her made him feel, whatever that feeling was. She could tell it was a toe-curling, stabbing, raging thing, because right until now he hadn’t even made an effort to hide the way he took in every little detail of her face. Like he was saving it to memory.
Like he was looking for something the Doctor herself wasn’t aware of. Yet.
… oh.
This was more serious then she thought. She’d miscalculated. He wasn’t even playing anymore.
Something happened. Something devastating.
He’s ticking.
He’s ticking.
The bad way. Not the fun way.
The Doctor ignored the temptation to reach up and touch his cheek. It hadn’t changed anything the last time she tried to voice her hearts. Nothing but a thanks, but no thanks and a turned back. Grief was all that was left of them trying to be more. Or, just trying, really.
The memory of Missy made her mouth dry. Her lungs, too.
She couldn’t help but notice. She couldn’t help to feel sorry. There was something burning in the way he tilted his head that made her unable to take her focus of how pretty dark strands loosened and fell into his eyes.
Or maybe it was just that.
“Don’t. Just- don’t.” Ah, she had reached out. “Things changed, Doctor. Believe it or not but I’m not here to fight over spilled milk.”
“Quite the milk, this.”
“Quite the spill.”
She laughed; felt his eyes practically devour her while she did.
Tick-
And then he suddenly leaned forward, close, close, the fob watch was pressed against her chest with urgency; a desperate, aggressive kind of force behind it and the sound died in her throat. Her eyes went wide, she felt it; felt the cold shiver washing down her spine (was it from the danger or the excitement?) and the way his hair tickled softly on her cheek didn’t fit right with it.
“I won’t stop.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper against her ear. “I’ll make you hate me until you actually do. I’ll break you. Tear you apart, to shreds and pieces and death until there’s nothing left of any of us.”
She wanted to throw him off, push him away- and she would have if she didn’t notice the tear escaping his eye in time, right before he let himself fall with a tired sigh. She hadn’t seen him this exhausted and… broken in centuries. Ever, maybe, she thought as the Master’s forehead dropped heavily against her neck.
Just another eternity. Or five seconds.
“Please.”
-Tock.
“Aren’t you travelling with anyone? Where’s your current pet?” The Doctor shot him a look which the Master deliberately ignored. He corrected the fit of his purple suit, unbothered, while he let his eyes roam over the interior of the console room, over every single item, every setting and every flick of orange light. Judging, by the looks of it.
Like he hadn’t just cried on her shoulder. Ugh, the attitude.
“My fam, not pets, thank you. They’re home for now, but guess what: None of your business.”
She’d expected another stab in her side, some more insults, she’d expected him to jump into an argument.
“Just us, then. Good. That’s good.”
She hadn’t expected this… vulnerable… softness? The Doctor narrowed her eyes at him.
“Like you hadn’t checked that before you knocked.” He shrugged in response. Oh, brilliant. This version of him was as annoying as he was irritating. “And don’t touch that.” She snatched the empty package and bubble-wrap right out of his hands, just to throw it back over her shoulder. “In fact, don’t touch anything at all. I just got her back a while ago.”
The Master raised his arms in surrender, taking a few steps back. The taunting Better? in his expression made her want to punch him.
“My ship’s right outside,” he said and nodded shortly in direction of the door. “Lamp post. Might want to keep that in mind.”
“Right.”
“I don’t care where you send me. Or when.”
“Right.”
“Just- don’t take me with you. Like that. Don’t make me one of your heart-eyed groupies.”
“Right. Terms and conditions. Anything else?”
He sniffed, let his fingers run over his forehead and back into his hair, ignoring her obviously mocking tone and nodded again.
“Don’t let me yearn for up there and don’t let me want to remember. Don’t open the watch. Don’t let me dream. Don’t forget me. Don’t burn me. … oh.” His vision blurred and for a while it seemed like he was too far gone for her voice or mind to ever reach him again. She froze. She froze until big, brown eyes caught hers with an unsettling intensity. “And don’t go back home.”
“What? Why? What do you mean?”
“Tsk. I expect you to just do what you’re told here and obey.”
“Do not talk to me like that.”
“Have I not made myself clear? I’m not going to ask you nicely again.”
There was a rebellion simmering in her. One she was still unfamiliar with. One that matched his. Oh, this was awful. This combination. But- he seemed satisfied with how she pressed her lips into a thin line in response. Well. At least he stopped looking at her like he expected her to kneel.
“I don’t like this”, she said with a pout when he put on the helmet.
“You don’t have to like this. Liking this is not the point.”
“Then what is the point?” She snapped. The Doctor slammed her hands down on the TARDIS’ console with anger, right next to the fob watch. “What’s been so bad that you’re running away?” She paused to take a breath. “What’s so bad that I can’t fi-”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
His words cut like a knife.
Not calculating and playful and promising like Missy’s. Not at all. More like a wounded animal, lashing out.
“Are you sure this is the only way to-”
“Shut up, Doctor. Shut up, shut up, shut up. And do what you’re good at. Push the button and let me die.”
She did. And he laughed wild and madly through the shattering pain while his DNA got rewritten.
They didn’t even say goodbye.
The worst thing, she thought, was that she couldn’t even bring herself to look.
He’ll be okay. It’s what she told herself. He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.
The TARDIS chose a life for him, a good one, a normal one, and she trusted her.
But she couldn’t go look. She ran away again.
It didn’t sit right, nothing about this did. And so the Doctor let herself go distant, more and more and Yaz, Graham and Ryan noticed. Of course they did. It’s not like she’d been hiding it well.
Bless them, their worries and efforts, but she couldn’t let anyone close and over the line right now. Not like this. Best to stay private. But it wasn’t all bad. They had fun. Adventures.
And he’ll be okay.
Coward.
She’d put the fob watch in a drawer of her bedroom and hadn’t touched it since.
Love abides. In the face of everything.
It felt like a curse.
(She didn’t even know what name he picked.)
It wasn’t like she hadn’t imagined what it would be like. To have him with her.
It wasn’t like they hadn’t asked each other in the past.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t wanted that. She wanted it too much, maybe.
Oh, love. Do I finally have your attention?
It was getting worse and the Doctor groaned, let her head fall forward and into her hands, fingers pressing against her closed eyes. She’d taken them to see the Orion Belt today, just a little trip in between, but when Ryan asked her for the name of the Three Kings she almost answered with the wrong ones. The ones they gave them when she was still a kid. The ones that only sounded pretty when Koschei said them.
It was getting worse, because she’d laughed vividly until her face was all red when Graham stood up for her on the Witch trial (and even though he got it the wrong way, they all did and she still owed him an apology for that) it was just because she thought about what Missy would have done and what she would have to say about this situation.
It was getting worse, because this started to affect her in a bad way and she felt like she slowly lost control over it.
It was getting worse, because Yaz texted her late at night and she fell asleep after thirty-three minutes and seven seconds into their conversation, hand wrapped loosely around the fob watch she’d unconsciously must have held close to her chest. When she picked the phone back up from where it had fallen from her bed at some point, there were fifty-two missed calls on it. She’d pushed the hair out of her eyes, sighed, and called back. Yaz picked up after the first ring.
It was getting worse, and all the Doctor could think of was that she would have had the boy she’d fallen in love with all that time ago, if she’d been less of a coward.
She would have had him if she hadn’t run away and broken their promise. If she had shared the stars and time and space and her life with him. She could have taken his hand and it would have been enough.
She would have had him, if she’d let herself be tempted by his offer. An alliance. They would have found a way. They were still young, still friends.
She would have had him if she hadn’t let him burn.
She would have had him if she’d just talked. It had riled him up too much that she’d stayed silent for a year. And she would have had him if her attention hadn’t been so much on him, and only on him. Maybe she was too lonely for that but she would have noticed, would have been able to stop Lucy from pulling the trigger. She’d have him under lock and key, yes, but that didn’t matter. The how never mattered.
She would have had him if she’d listened sooner. Things would have turned out very different if she hadn’t lived for too long at that point.
She would have had him if she shot Rassilon. Even if that meant losing her name right there, but everything has a price tag.
She would have had him if she went looking for him on Gallifrey.
She would have had him if she didn’t care about what he did to Bill.
She would have had him if she hadn’t failed with Missy.
But having it be my fault sits better on your consciousness, right?
That wouldn’t have been fair. And those were a lot of ifs.
Yaz asked her what’s wrong after they came back from Norway.
The Solitract could have given you a perfect version of me.
“I’m fine. I’m always fine.”
“No, you’re not. Doctor, you’re really, really not.”
Tell me that you’re sad because you had to leave that dimension. That it didn’t work out. That you didn’t get to see me like that.
Tell me how much, because I know you are.
She smiled and forced herself to endure the soft, warm touch on her shoulder. Yaz only meant well, she knew that. She loved her, deeply. She knew that too.
You’re starting to miss me the bad way, don’t you? I’m everywhere. I’m in your head. And I don’t even exist anymore. Ha. How about that?
The voice dripped through her mind. Heavy and sweet, like honey.
Hm. Guess I win after all. You can never have me in the way you so desperately want.
Ah. She was turning into a timebomb too.
All you have to do is-
Open the watch. And take what’s always been hers.
Find me.
A thousand years. You promised.
Doctor, you promised.
The Doctor didn’t care about ifs anymore.
She needed the Master. She needed her friend back, mental state of him be damned. If he resented her even more for this, for breaking another promise- then so be it. She needed him.
Australia was hot.
The watch in her pocket was as warm as her hand because she’d been carrying it around for a while. Long enough for her fingertips to know every cut and mark on it blind.
It still felt a bit weird, to hold him like this.
The red sand crunched under her boot tapping down when she stood before the small house surrounded by a few trees. Did he pick this place? Or was it her ship being funny, sending him here?
Though… It was nice, this. Empty. Silent. A landscape you would never tire of, especially on a starry night. Bit like home if she squinted her eyes right and added another sun in the sky.
Are you scared?
She pouted, getting some sweat of her forehead. Took a minute and a breath with her hands on her hips. Her boot was still tapping down in a rhythm of four.
I’m here. My life in your hands. Literally.
“Alright, then.”
One step was all she managed before the alarms went off. Deafening sounds from all around, lights, and she had to bow over and cover her ears.
Pain shot through her and this actually hurt a lot.
“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry! You activated the movement-sensor. Turning it off!” Hearing silence after this was a relief. “Precautions. Might have to adjust the volume but- are you alright?”
He looked so much like Yana that, for a few seconds, it robbed her of the ability to breathe and think.
Now, I really don’t want to go there.
I hated that you saw me like this. Despised it. You should know.
“Dude. Shut up”, she said, forcing herself to recover, and his face got caught between offense and a question. “No- uh! I didn’t mean you. I was talking to… my coat pocket. Weird, yes. Sorry. Habit. Bad habit. Doesn’t matter, actually. Can- can we do this again?”
“Again in like, you’re not rude to me and I don’t blast alarms at you?”
“That would be nice, yes.”
He smiled. He smiled, until his focus fell behind her, onto the blue box not far away, and his eyes went impossibly wide at the sight.
“Wait. That’s-” They outright sparked and his whole face was lit up with it when he looked back at her. Recognition? But it couldn’t- Could it? “You’re the Doctor.” She opened and closed her mouth at the finger he pointed at her. “You’re the Doctor! I- I’ve got files on you! Come in, please come in!”
“Files? What files?”
“Cosy”, she said after he’d invited her in with much enthusiasm. It was cute. So much that she bit her lip.
“You mean messy.”
“You’re right, I do. Bit of a hoarder? I like that.”
He chuckled and offered her a cup of coffee. Their fingers brushed when he handed it over and the electric spark that went through the contact almost made her drop it with a hiss.
“Sorry, hot.”
The Doctor watched as he sat down across her at the little table using his arm to slide the things on it to the side for space. “I’ve researched and analysed so much about you that it feels like I already know you. This is weird.” He raised one hand and pressed his lips together. “I’m not obsessed or anything.”
The fob watch felt heavy in her pocket.
She ignored it.
(His name was O.)
She went to see him a lot. O told her stories from his time at the MI6, showed her his records and evidence on alien sightings and disappearing humans he’d gathered over time. The Doctor verified what she safely could and told him about her adventures in return.
And if she wasn’t visiting him in the outback, they were texting. He wouldn’t let her leave without exchanging numbers and she would have asked him for it anyway.
He’ll be okay. He was okay. O was doing just fine.
She just wanted to make sure it stayed that way.
Somehow this was making things worse.
Up to you, isn’t it?
“Oh I know that look”, Graham said and she looked up from her phone. He winked at her. She just narrowed her eyes in confusion. Had there been something different on her face? “Are you going to introduce us soon?”
“What look? Introduce who?”
“The lucky one that got you smiling like that.”
“Uh. It’s a fish.”
“What?”, Ryan said, “You’re texting a fish?” and drew his eyebrows together. “Not judging.”
She showed them her screen. “No. And not technically a fish, it’s a puzzle. There’s a message hidden, see?” They looked at the photo and the part she tapped at. “It’s fun. He only took three minutes to decode mine. He’s good. And this one is rather tricky.”
They both shared a look she didn’t understand.
Tick-Tock.
Yaz had stayed silent.
She had underestimated how much she’d missed this. Their friendship. Him. There was so much of Koschei in O that she didn’t know what to do with the way her hearts buzzed heavily.
He’s still a know-it-all. He’s curious. He’s brilliant. He’s captivating.
And he’s innocent.
O was lying next to her on the sand behind his house and she looked up at the stars. It didn’t take a glance over for her to know he wasn’t looking up either, but rather sideways, at her.
She was thinking about what led them here, to this very point, what it was the Master wanted to forget so desperately that he was fine with this.
Soft, too soft fingertips touched like a question against her hand, just barely, then more daring when she didn’t pull back until they slipped fully between hers.
“Is this okay?”
She closed her eyes, nodding.
This isn’t fair to O. She should probably say something. She really, really should.
O didn’t let her.
She shouldn’t feel that bubbly anticipation when he tipped her head to the side. Carefully. Caring.
Kissing O is nothing like kissing the Master.
Kissing O isn’t even like kissing Koschei.
And Omega, is she glad about that- she wouldn’t know how to handle if it was.
She doesn’t even know if she can handle this.
It’s short- too short, their lips had done nothing more than brush against each other, barely any contact, before he pulled away again.
“And this?” The Doctor opened her eyes.
It’s easy, isn’t it?
To love me like this.
“Do it again. Do it right.”
To love me when I’m human.
O smiled (Satisfied? Glad?), it was almost a grin with all those stars in his eyes, grabbed the back of her neck to pull her in. The Doctor hummed against him, hummed into the kiss (proper, this time)-
Don’t stop with it.
-until it turned into a slight gasp when he moved softly against her lips, then pressing between; the same time a hand had slipped under her shirt to hold the small of her back. She lost track of time when his fingers wandered up.
Maybe she’d underestimated O too.
< You should come with me. >
< I’m not sure about that. >
< Just one trip. You know, pick a star, meet the fam, have some fun and the best day of your life :) >
< I can’t. >
< Why?>
< Nightmares. I don’t want to see that they’re real. >
< Sorry. >
< Don’t be. I can help. What are they about? >
< It’s silly, honestly. >
< Not what I asked, O. >
< … Hey, I can see you typing. And deleting, probably. I can call you if you want, if that’s easier. I’m just waiting on Yaz but it looks like she’s taking a bit. >
< No, just- I haven’t told this anyone before. >
< Usually it’s… Someone’s laughter. Drowning. Dying. A child. Four beats. >
< …and you. >
< Oh. >
< Told you it’s silly. >
< I’m not mocking you. Coming over right now. >
< Yaz? >
< Can wait. And I have a time machine, in case you forgot. >
“Shut up!” It was the first time O stepped into the TARDIS, and she’d never seen his face glow or his eyes shine like that. “That’s ridiculous.”
Full of childlike wonder.
Full of admiration.
True. Pure.
In moments like this she was reminded of how human he was. The Doctor forgot, sometimes.
They didn’t fly, but she wondered if he could ever forgive her if they would.
O was very skilled with his tongue. Exceptionally so.
He was able to drown out any thought or doubt that might have made it through, might have made her stop moaning, and it was wonderful.
The Doctor grabbed on sweaty black strands to have him closer between her thighs, let her hips meet the movement of his mouth. It was pure instinct, the way her back arched and her insides burned, a heavy, intoxicating need and she hadn’t done this for a very long time.
And it was even better, when she let him guide her legs up and over his shoulder (oh, the satisfied grin on his face when he glanced up shortly); really, she wanted to bite his neck and might do that later, a lot; she decided on that when he let his cheek rub against the insides of her thighs. His beard scratched the soft flesh but O pressed a short kiss there, before diving back into her heat.
She had to cover her mouth because it wasn’t his name that was on her lips.
You’re a timebomb too, Doctor.
You should have stopped with getting too close when you still could.
“Sometimes I think you don’t see me at all.”
“Huh?” She peeked out from opened grid under the console and pushed the googles on her forehead, probably smearing some oil on her face with it. “Of course I see you. You’re right there.”
He raised an eyebrow at her pointing finger.
“Not what I mean. Do I remind you of someone? Is that what-”
“Stop.”
A bit harsh, maybe, but she loved the way his face scrunched. Adorable.
“What’s my name?” Her heart skipped a sequence. His eyes burned with something, she could see it from where he sat on the pedestals, and she swallowed when he closed his book. And when she didn’t answer for a whole minute, he walked over and kneeled down at her level. No- “Doctor. What’s my name?”
She had to swallow the lump in her throat.
“O. It’s O.” The Doctor leaned into the hand that held the side of her face. There was a certain kind of intimacy in the way his thumb drew small circles under her eye, in the way his nails pressed softly into her scalp. It was the kind that she didn’t want to lose. “You’re O.”
You’re saying it like it’s a bad thing.
Or do you just need to convince yourself?
He bowed forward to kiss her and she met him halfway.
When the Doctor opened the door for them, she was met with the ruins of the Citadel.
Ash.
Smoke.
And complete destruction.
The thick air covered even the suns.
No.
“That looks like a nuclear bomb went down here. Damn”, Ryan said to her right.
To her left, Yaz had her hands cover her mouth, eyes going wide.
Graham came out last, went a few steps before turning around to them. “Woha. Is that what it’s supposed to look like, Doc?”
“I don’t think so”, Yaz voice was as shaken as she looked. “This is horrible.”
“Bit much for just vandalism, innit?” Graham asked.
She couldn’t answer. Couldn’t move.
Gallifrey burned.
Her home burned.
I told you not to look.
You never listen.
She’d wanted to show them- this wasn’t- they’d grown closer as a family and Yaz asked her to come here, to see her home planet- how could she have said no? But this wasn’t- this wasn’t- this wasn’t-
No.
No.
She turned around without saying a word, already setting up the next flight. Her fam hurried after her, Ryan closed the door and they all stumbled when the TARDIS took off, more unsteady than usual.
O was already waiting for her when her ship materialised in his backyard.
He waved happily.
Bastard, she thought, when she charged at him, grabbed him by his colourless jacket and pushed, more violent then necessary, until they both fell to the ground. He hit his head on the floor with a surprised sound, but she didn’t care.
“Doctor!” and “Stop!” and “Oi!” were just voices behind her.
She didn’t care.
She trapped him on the floor, straddled him, held him down. He didn’t even try to get up. Just stared up at her with those big confused and fearful eyes.
Another eternity, this.
“Tell me you didn’t do it.”
“What? Didn’t do what, Doctor?”
“Say it.”
“I don’t even know what you-”
“Just say it!” Oh. She’d screamed. Probably. Yeah. Everything went so silent around them. “Say that you didn’t destroy our home! Say that you didn’t kill our entire race! Tell me that it wasn’t you for once!”
O didn’t answer for a long while. She could only hear her own pulse rushing like a thundering waterfall through her ears. It felt like falling. It felt like-
“Our?”
Timebomb.
They’ve never been anything else.
She could feel the single heart racing under her grip and it was like it sucked every ounce of strength out of her. Her head dropped forward, and she reached into her coat pocket.
The fob watch felt cold to her touch. She hadn’t held it for a while.
And now, it made one hell of a picture, the way it was placed on his chest.
O glanced down at it.
Hm.
She’ll miss him. She’ll miss him dearly.
“I’m done with this. You’re not going to make me kill O. Do that yourself.”
You promised.
“And you lied!”, she said with a cracked voice and felt her eyes starting to burn.
No lies. I just didn’t tell you.
I have my reasons.
Standing up was hard, leaving him on the floor like this was the worst, and walking away was hurting her more with every step.
She’d be alright. She still had her fam. She still-
This wasn’t fair at all.
And maybe that was what made her look back.
“Goodbye. Don’t take too long.”
Love abides. There was still so much of it in his eyes.
It’s still a curse for her.
She will remember. He won’t be able to take this from her too.
I’ll catch up, my dear.
Run.