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Deep breath.
Knock, just knock. You’re still alive and have nowhere else to go. He wont turn you away like this.
Kaoru takes in the largest gulp of air he can, and hovers his fist on the oakwood door. It’s dark, so dark he could barely make out the apartment number. The whole world feels bitter and cold. A strong breeze rushes past and involuntarily his full body shivers. He drops his fist and clutches his arms tightly against himself, looking for some kind of warmth that’s not there. He’s drenched, hair matted and mussed, uniform dripping a puddle onto Koga’s welcome mat. The taste of bile, seawater, and blood in his mouth is overwhelmingly sour. Every second spent outside inches him closer to freezing to death.
Earlier when the rain picked up he thought it would be a light drizzle, that’s what the weather report said. But like everything else in his life, things can’t just be bad. They had to be unbearably horrible.
Koga’s awning temporarily shields him from the downpour, but with every new burst of wind, freezing raindrops take hold on his uniform. A uniform so wet it couldn’t absorb any more. He squeezes his white button down to try and get some of the water out, anything to lessen the cold. His effort is completely fruitless.
Leaning forward and pressing his forehead into the door he takes another deep breath, a final attempt to calm his nerves. Tears stream down his face, pooling by his feet. His fist shakes, his fingers won't cooperate and clench together.
“Mom, tell me what to do,” his voice catches while trying to choke out his words. If his mother could see him right now, what would she think? He closes his eyes, trying to remember his mothers face, her bright smile. A word of encouragement or a sweet lullaby.
Of course it’s impossible; The sound of his chattering teeth pull him from any distraction he tries to conjure. He longed to drift away in his thoughts, but a splitting headache and worsening chills keep pulling him back in the moment. It’s the dead of night and he’s all alone. He isn’t given the luxury of dissociating.
Attempting to ground himself somewhat he wiggles his toes. He’s beginning to lose feeling in them. Maybe it’s hypothermia. If he didn’t knock now he was probably going to die out here.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” he thought aloud. “He’d be happier without me in UNDEAD anyway.”
Kaoru stretches his arms above his head and turns around, starting his slow descent down Koga’s steps and back into the rain. He wasn’t going to dwell on it, he did enough of that earlier. This is what his dad wanted, right? Well, maybe Kaoru would give him what he wanted for once. Though for Koga’s sake he should probably head back to the beach, it might suck to wake up with the dead body of your former unitmate on your doorstep.
Looking up at the moon one last time he hears something out of place. An incessant barking getting closer and closer.
… Barking? Did he finally lose his mind, is this what it’s like to die of hypothermia? Or, wait. He stiffens when he realizes what he’s hearing.
“Leon!” Kaoru hears Koga shout. Muffled through the walls and the rainstorm it’s still audible. “Is there an intruder? Hold on, I'm coming!”
Kaoru prepares to book it, he has to get out of there. But his body is completely rooted to the spot. Koga was going to see him like this, tattered and crying. He had to move right now. He just had to. Rain trailing off of the awning pours over his body. His teeth clatter but he does not move.
Kaoru hears Koga’s front door slam open. He still doesn’t move.
“Hey! Whoever you are, get lost! My dog here bites so I hope you’re prepared to- Wait. Playboy bastard?!”
“Ahaha♪,” Kaoru 180s on the spot. He keeps his sight anywhere but Koga, he couldn’t bear to see the look of pity he was definitely getting right now. He didn’t want that. Not from a guy, not from one of his juniors, especially not from Koga. Trying anything to mask his feelings he gives an awkward smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I was in the area so I thought I’d visit. But you seem busy Wan-chan so I’ll head out now~.” The words are thoughtless, unimportant. As if the act of Koga turning him away didn’t mean life or death. The rain pouring off of the awning is right in his face now, pulling his bangs over his eyes, blocking his vision and hiding his tears from prying eyes. He should feel cold, his teeth were still chattering, hands still shaking. He didn’t feel anything.
“Visit? Do you know what fuckin’ time it is?” Koga’s voice sounds vicious, even when muffled by the sound of rain. Angrier than Kaoru has ever heard him. Maybe he overestimated Koga when he expected pity. This was easier.
“Haha, um.” Kaoru grimaces.
“You’re bleeding!?”
Oh. Was he? He doesn’t really know how to respond to that. So he doesn’t. The cuts on his thigh stopped aching a while ago.
“I- You-,” Koga seems to bubble with anger before letting out a weary sigh. Another gust of wind angles the cold wind to drench the entryway of Koga’s house.
“We’re not having a conversation like this.” Koga’s voice comes out as a growl. It’s demanding and unwavering. If Kaoru had any feeling in his body left it might have chilled him to his core. “Come inside right now. Stand on the mat, do not move and don’t let Leon touch you while you’re soaked. I’m gonna go get a towel.”
Koga holds the door open and stares at him, and Kaoru finally gets the courage to make eye contact. His downturned angry eyes, the gleam of the moonlight off of his fangs, it’s terrifying. Like a real alpha wolf, waiting for the right moment to strike. And Kaoru stood on his doorstep, prey fawning itself in front of the hunter. He needed to run and hide far away from here. But where would he go?
“Well?!” Koga demands, aggressively gesturing him inside.
Like a cow to slaughter, Kaoru walks back up the steps and obeys.
Koga flicks on the light in his entryway once Kaoru enters, and it temporarily blinds him. So much for hiding his face in the darkness, though his soaked bangs still mostly cover his eyes. Lucky~. He notices how Koga muffles away a yawn as he pushes aside some things to make room for Kaoru’s sopping wet shoes.
Leon lunges over once he sees Koga back in the apartment. “Stay!” Koga commands, and Leon skitters to a halt right before Kaoru’s feet. Koga motions Kaoru a little further inside, and closes and locks the door behind him. Trapped in the lion's den. “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
This isn’t his first time at Koga’s place, but it’s not like he’s a frequent visitor. No, the only other time he’s been here was a similar situation. One day at the beach where if Koga didn’t show up he probably wouldn’t be standing here again today.
“Sorry for intruding,” he whispers softly, only Leon close enough to hear him. Leon pants and whines, big puppy eyes staring up at Kaoru, but he doesn’t break Koga’s order. If it wouldn’t cause Koga to scream at him, Kaoru would reach down and pet the mutt right now, anything to keep his numb hands occupied. He wasn’t good with animals, but he seems to be developing a soft spot for this one.
There's a puddle forming under Kaoru, slightly tinged red, spreading well past Koga's blue dog bone shaped welcome mat and inching towards Leon’s paws. He could move towards the door and spare the pup, but his legs don’t seem to work without a command.
Today's visit will be Koga’s second time saving him. The third for Leon. Thinking about that makes Kaoru nauseous.
“Alright, dry off enough to not track water through my place and then head right to the shower.” Koga hands him a towel. It’s dark blue with white dog bones on it. Matches the mat. If he had the energy he might have laughed. “While you’re in there I’ll throw your uniform in the laundry and dig out my first aid kit.”
“Right,” Kaoru replies, moving completely on instinct. He toes off his shoes and squeezes out his hair, and the towel is soaked immediately. He’s too wet. No matter what he does Koga’s floor is getting drenched.
Koga seems to realize this as he rolls his eyes. “Jus’ go.” He shoves Kaoru forward with a palm to his back. Kaoru stumbles but tries not to linger.
He hears a scrambling of paws before Koga yells “Leon, stay away from the puddle!” behind him.
Upon entering the bathroom Kaoru immediately leans against the door, pressing his back into the cold surface. For the first time since the walk here he lets his exhaustion win and slides down to the floor, making an audible thud with his impact. He stares at the ceiling light and there are spots at the corners of his vision. The ends of his extremities have gone numb, but the rest of his arms and legs ache the same way they do after an entire live performance. Maybe worse. A drop of water runs from his bangs to his chin, sending a chill down his spine. The shiver freezes his whole body, causing his teeth to chatter and limbs to quiver ferociously. He clutches at his arms but doesn’t otherwise move.
God. What was he doing here? It was the middle of the night and Koga had school tomorrow. Just like his father said, all he did was cause problems for other people. A real man deals with his issues on his own, and yet here he was, leaning on someone else.
Thinking back to the conversation he and Koga had at the door, Kaoru peers down at his legs. At the beach earlier he picked up a piece of sea glass with a sharp edge and scratched at his upper thigh through his uniform pants. The motion was familiar, something he used to do with broken wine glasses while hiding in the booth during particularly long and stressful nights running the live house. Back then he had Rei to crack a shitty joke or mix him a terrible drink. It was like Rei knew exactly how to pull him from all of his sorrows. The stupid smiles, the casual touches or jokes that went a little too far to be read as platonic. Kaoru curls in on himself. His face burns, cringing at his past decisions. The memories bubble over and fizz until his brain feels as numb as his fingers. It didn’t matter now. Ever since Rei left they didn't have that kind of relationship anymore. Kaoru wasn’t sure if Rei had that kind of relationship with anyone anymore. He had his own darkness to conquer. No time for Kaoru’s bullshit.
He might have been going at it harder tonight than in his memories. After a particularly painful slice he walked into the ocean and let the cool water numb the pain. The plan at the time was to never get out again, let the sea wash him away. Alas despite his best efforts some part of him still lived on. At least the numbing worked long enough to get him here and forget about the ripped pants and dripping blood entirely.
Not knowing what to do he pokes at the scar. His body shudders and pain shoots down his leg, making him wince. At least most of the blood was dried. There were only a few tiny spots left where it still dribbled out. The bright red beading droplets make his stomach twist, and he can feel the bile build up in his throat.
Swallow it down, Kaoru. Don't throw up in Koga's bathroom.
Hoping to distract himself out of vomitting, he squeezes his upper thigh with the tips of his fingers, continuing to play with the scars. More little dribbles peak out of the open wounds. Water from his hair drips down, catching at the blood and trickling it all down to the floor. If he didn’t do something about this soon he was going to be sitting in a pool of red. The very thought causes his heart to pound and his eyelids to flick open. What a gruesome scene. He could imagine the reactions of his fans when they read of his death in the paper. A picture of him drenched and covered in blood on the front page. Would those women cry for him? Or laugh at his pathetic end.
Kaoru inhales slowly, not necessarily calming himself at all, and runs the top of his nail over one of the wounds that had closed. He feels that incessant buzzing in the tips of his fingers. The intrinsic pull to hurt himself. To match his physical pain with his mental one. He took another dry mouthed swallow of stomach bile.
This was a bathroom. If he wanted, he could find something in here to make things worse. The tingling sensation begged, no, screamed for him to continue his assault where he left off. With no hesitation and a fight or flight-esque burst of energy he stands, tripping forward as he hasn’t regained much feeling in his toes. His body moves almost on its own, reaching out for Koga’s medicine cabinet.
He hears a knock on the door and jolts, his hand snapping back as if he had been burned from touching a hot stove. Panic grips his chest and squeezes tight.
“Put your clothes out here once you’re undressed. I’ll grab you somethin’ to change into. After the laundry runs I can try to patch up the hole in your pants too, though I’m not very good at sewing.”
“T-thank you Koga-kun,” Kaoru rasps, voice faltering. When he froze he unintentionally caught a view of himself in Koga’s bathroom mirror. His stupid hair is a complete mess, knotted and frayed and sticking every which way. It was still dribbling freezing water down his front. His necklace is backwards, silver choking him from behind. His uniform, like the rest of him, is dripping wet and practically falling apart at the seams. His pupils are blown out, dark black circles and red swollen cheeks make it obvious to anyone in a 100 mile radius that he’s been sobbing despite all the rain. He stares back at himself wide-eyed.
What the hell am I doing?
Kaoru sighs heavily and turns. He quickly undresses and sets his uniform outside, not stopping to look at the ripped pants or blood that pooled on the floor. Not stopping to think about what almost just happened. He jumps into Koga’s shower and turns the water all the way up. He needs to get the freezing feeling off of his body, and fast. He doesn't really know how hypothermia works but it's probably not a good thing that it hurts to move his toes.
The scalding water hits him like a thousand tiny needles, leaving him breathless and gasping. He needs this. He closes his eyes and looks up to the stream, letting the molten water envelop him in a searing embrace. Sheets of water cascading down his skin pull off layer after layer of built up exhaustion. In this moment, enveloped in the blazing torrent, he feels at peace for the first time tonight. The water is safe.
He groans, pain pricking down his arms and legs. Letting the water slowly bring his body back to its usual temperature is a grueling task. It burns at his skin and the contrast causes him to shiver and his jaw to clench. But he does not shy away. Of the things that have kept him warm; the sunshine, his mother, Rei. Water would never leave him. So he would learn to love its embrace, even if it scalded him.
Perhaps this was how he was supposed to go, not outside and in the cold but warm and safe. He breathes in deeply and holds it, not intending to let it go until his lungs scream at him for oxygen.
A loud bark outside the door startles him into coughing and gasping, drawing in heavy breaths until his breathing returns to normal. Oh yeah, this wasn’t his house. He must have gotten lost in his thoughts for a moment.
Returning to the task at hand, Koga wouldn’t care if he used some of his soap. Right? Peering around there were tens of bottles, but everytime he picked one up it seemed to be for pets. Doggy shampoo, doggy scalp treatment, doggy leave-in conditioner. Was every single one of these bottles for Leon? What about Koga’s skin care routine? Where was his cleanser or his exfoliator?
Finally in the furthest corner he finds one product not meant for dogs. For men 4-in-1. Lovely. How did Koga not break out all the time; surely this was a prank. For showing up so late and bloodied your punishment is rough skin. Grimacing Kaoru pours some into his hands and roughs it through his hair, not caring if he pulls too hard on some of the tangles and causes himself to wince. His nostrils are assaulted by the disgusting smell of musk. God, he was going to smell like Koga all day tomorrow. The girls were going to run the other direction. Maybe it wasn’t too late to use some of Leon’s shampoo instead.
“Hey playboy, you done yet?” Koga snarls through the door.
“Almost,” Kaoru calls back while stealing Koga’s loofa to quickly rub the soap all over his body, stopping to check and make sure he had feeling back in all of his limbs. One swipe over his thigh makes him shake with pain. He has to get the dried blood off somehow though.
“Hurry up. I’ll set the clothes I found for you outside the door. Once you’re out I can disinfect and bandage up your leg.”
“You’re going to do it?”
“I don’t trust you to do it.”
Kaoru moans an affirmative. He doesn’t have a better reply than that. If Koga says he’s doing it, then he’s doing it.
One final rinse and he’ll have to leave the home he’s made under the water. Stretching his entire body from his fingers to his toes he seems to have regained feeling all over. Painfully so, as the ache from exhaustion is starting to come back. But he definitely feels better than he did before. He has enough energy to walk around and move his limbs now. Stepping out he grabs the only towel he can find that isn’t covered in dog bones, deciding that one is his. Koga’s bathroom didn’t seem stocked for guests; Kaoru wonders when’s the last time someone other than him has been in here. Not that he planned on making himself a regular visitor, but a better selection of soaps and toiletries would bring Koga a long way if he ever thought about bringing home a girl.
The clothes Koga set out for him are all slightly too small, hoodie squeezing at his wrists and shorts riding up his waist. Tiny droplets of red poke out from the bottom of the shorts, that was probably an intentional choice so Kaoru didn’t have to be pantsless in front of Koga while he patched him up. At least a tiny part of his dignity is spared.
Kaoru didn’t plan on dealing with his hair right now so in looking for a hair tie he pries open Koga’s medicine cabinet to find all sorts of dog themed grooming products and a lone toothbrush. It was even worse than Kaoru thought it would be. He makes a mental note to buy Koga plenty of luxury face scrubs and lotions for his next birthday, well if Kaoru lives that long that is. Hell, if Kaoru can stomach it, maybe he’ll take him for a spa treatment to get even for all this. If Koga was a woman it would be a great date spot, but going with a man…
“Playboy, you’re taking fucking forever. You are okay in there, right?”
“Yes yes~. I’m all done. I was just looking for a hair tie.” Kaoru’s surprised at how loud and springy his voice is, that hot shower really did bring back a lot of the feeling he had lost.
“I’m sure there’s a rubber band in the kitchen. Just get out here!” Koga shouts but there’s a hint of something else underneath it. That might have been there the whole time, but Kaoru didn’t have the energy to notice it until now.
Deep breath in, heavy exhale out. No thoughts. Just keep going. The worst thing he could do right now is think about this situation. Just stay in the moment
Koga’s voice is higher pitched and noticeably trembling. “If you don’t open the door right now I’ll open it myself.”
“Cool it Wan-chan, I’m coming.” Kaoru opens the door and Leon immediately jumps at his feet. He leans down and gives him a few good pats to make up for when he couldn’t earlier. Koga is set up in front of a recliner, first aid kit in hand. He looks different than he did before, less angry and more genuine concern showing on his face. If Kaoru pretends it’s for Leon maybe it won't bother him as much.
Kaoru sits and looks up at the ceiling, hoping to keep his gaze anywhere but Koga. Leon jumps up into his lap and his hands quickly find distraction in his fur. It’s soft and warm and grounding. He can feel Koga’s eyes on him, as if waiting for him to say something or explain.
“Well, get it on with it,” is all he can muster up the courage to reply. It’s cowardly, but if he made Koga mad at him he wouldn’t have to look at that pitying face again.
Koga furls his brow before gently applying disinfectant to the wounds. Its sting hits first, sharp and biting. Kaoru sucks in a breath, gritting his teeth against the surge of pain that follows. Leon whines a bit when he feels Kaoru’s hands still. Kaoru finally gets the courage to look down as Koga turns to grab the bandages. Sure this wasn’t the worst injury he’d ever had, when he was younger he took a nasty spill while learning to surf and his mom had to take him to the hospital. But there was something unsettling about seeing Koga’s hands covered in his own blood, about being patched up as if he were fragile.
"Hold still," Koga instructs gently, voice unlike his usual bark. Kaoru tries to will his legs to stop shaking, but all he can focus on is the slow, deliberate motion of Koga’s hands wrapping gauze over the cuts. The soft fabric trapping away his day of mistakes and fading scars from old ones.
He lets out a shaky breath as the final bandage is secured, his body finally beginning to relax. Leon paws at his chest and Kaoru goes back to his ministrations as if this were nothing. Koga stills in place, staring down at Kaoru’s feet.
“What happened senpai?” Koga asks, his voice still too soft to recognize.
Kaoru feels the nausea building again. This was a side of Koga no one was supposed to see, one so far removed from what he showed the world. Kaoru was supposed to be taking care of the kids, like Rei and Kanata do. Yet Koga was cracking in front of him, because of his own stupid problems. He plasters on another fake smile, anything to try and push this side of Koga out of the situation. “Don’t worry about it.~”
Koga sighs before standing. “Of course you wouldn’t tell me about it.” He sounds so flat and defeated. “I get it.” Kaoru feels bad, but it’s best if Koga doesn’t have to take on his problems.
Koga hands him a chocolate bar, “for your blood sugar,” he offers before walking towards his bedroom. Leon hops off of Kaoru’s legs and follows. He leaves the door open behind him and Kaoru assumes that that’s the signal he should follow too.
He gets up and stretches his limbs before following, making sure to toss out the wrapper on the way. Exhaustion was really starting to hit him. It was who knows how late at night, he hadn’t slept at all and this was the first food he’d eaten since this morning. Koga pulls an extra futon out of his closet and sets it down on the floor next to his bed. It’s comically small next to Koga’s queen size mattress which seems too big for one guy who lives alone. Maybe Kaoru misjudged him, and he did have girls over from time to time.
“Here,” Koga says, throwing one of his pillows and his blanket at the spare bed. “You get some rest, I have to stay up to get the laundry out of the dryer.” Leon jumps up onto Koga’s bed and spins in a circle before resting his paws on the only pillow left. Guess that solves the bed size issue.
Kaoru hesitates, “I can stay up for the laundry, you already did too much for me.”
Koga rolls his eyes and pushes Kaoru towards the futon. He trips forward and falls, getting tangled in Koga’s blanket. “I already slept some. From the look on your face you’ve been up all night. Go to bed.”
“But I-”
Koga flicks off the lights. “I’m gonna go sit in the kitchen and read a book or somethin’. Sleep.”
“Wait-” Kaoru calls out to him, reaching his arm in the direction of the door. “I don’t…” His face flashes bright red and he buries his head in the pillow out of shame. His next words come out muffled and inaudible.
“Huh?!” Koga groans. “Speak up or I’m leaving!” Leon barks.
Kaoru clutches his arms to his chest. “I-i said… I don’t trust myself to be alone right now.”
“Ugh,” Koga grumbles, turning on his feet and sitting next to Leon on his mattress. “I’ll stay. If you feel like talkin’ I’m right here. Now get some rest.”
“Right,” Kaoru swallows. He relaxes into the bedding and closes his eyes, exhaustion overtaking him the second his eyelids shut. He feels the blanket get pulled away from him, but then laid over his body smoothly. But just as he gets comfortable and falls asleep, haunting images fill his brain.
He’s a child and his mother is in the hospital, telling him it’s going to be okay. That they would go search for mermaids together again soon. Her smile is weak and her hair is thinning. Kaoru wants to reach out and touch it, wants to comfort her, but the thought passes into the next.
He’s a teenager and he’s working alone at a club. Drunk adults get into stupid fights, and he’s the only one tasked with breaking it up. One of them swings at the other and misses and hits him in the face. A group of his classmates laugh at him, seemingly hanging out and having fun while he’s stuck working. The room dissolves into another.
His sister sits him down and tells him that she has to get married to an influential man for the sake of the family business. That if she does a good enough job he won’t have to do the same. Kaoru doesn’t think it’s fair, he opens his mouth to protest, but her mind is already set. He reaches out to her and he’s already somewhere else.
He’s in middle school and his father tells him to cut his hair before someone thinks he’s a girl. Tells him that it’s disgusting to have feelings for another boy. Tells him that the best quality a man can have is being dominant over his wife, and that Kaoru needed to strive for that kind of power or he would be a failure. He yells back at his dad, tells him that he’s wrong, and his dad slaps him. Before his sister can step in and save him he’s somewhere else.
It’s his first day of second year and his brother tells him to quit being an idol or he would amount to nothing, that enrolling in Yumenosaki was the worst mistake of his life, and he should have gone to a prestigious business high school like he did. He lowers his head and doesn’t say anything. He spends the next two days sleeping with random women to stay at their houses instead of returning to his.
Another blink and he’s a child. A doctor holds his hand, telling him that she’s in a better place now. He cries and cries, but no one is there to wipe his tears. He runs away, but suddenly he’s in his house earlier today.
His father tells him that his mother would never be proud of him. Kaoru screams and says he’s going to kill himself and leaves for the beach. His father laughs and says he wishes he’d go through with it this time.
“Hey,” He feels a hand on his shoulder, softly shaking him. Kaoru jolts awake. His breath hitches, and he gasps for air in shallow bursts. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough, and he feels lightheaded from the inability to fill his lungs. He’s shaking and his heart is racing as if he just ran a marathon. “I think you’re having a nightmare.”
Kaoru can’t breathe, he doesn’t know where he is and the room feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller. Everything is spinning and he dizzily tries to lift his head to see who was talking to him, but it feels like it weighs one thousand pounds. He falls back onto the pillow with a thud.
A hand wraps itself around his arm and holds him steady.
“You’re okay. Breathe.”
He takes a deep breath, squeezing his fists together in an effort to ground himself. After a moment he tries to sit up again, blinking real life back into existence. Right, he’s in Koga’s room. After a failed suicide attempt he walked to Koga’s house in the rain because he had no where else to go. Koga may be vicious, but he’s also kind. He said he’d stay with Koga while he slept, and here he is. None of those dreams were real, and he’s safe here. Just breathe. He takes another gulp of air, and then two, before he finds the confidence to talk. “Koga-kun? Is that you?” He’s still lightheaded and his voice sounds jittery and light.
Once Kaoru seems to be back in reality, Koga immediately lets go of his arm and takes a step away from him. Kaoru still feels the warmth. He already misses Koga’s soothing touch, it’s been so long since he’s had any kind of contact that didn’t stem from lechery.
“Night terror?” Koga offers, sitting back on his bed and resting his palm on a sleeping Leon.
Kaoru watches Koga stroke the pup back and forth before he gets the courage to answer. “Yeah. I guess so.” The memories of his nightmare hit him hard and Kaoru squeezes his eyes shut. Nothing about this situation feels right. Was this him rewatching his memories before his death? Why was everything so fucking painful?
Koga speaks softly, his brows are knit together and worry is etched on his face.“I'm not good at this kinda thing, and I won't make you, but didya wanna talk about it?”
“Ah-” Kaoru hesitates, pressing his hand to his chest trying to steady his heartbeat. Does he? On one hand, absolutely not. Not with Koga, not with anyone. Maybe when he found a girl to be his pseudo-mother. But on the other hand, will he ever sleep again with all of this weighing on him?
The decision is made for him, as Koga’s phone dings. “Alarm for the laundry. Stay here. I’ll only be a sec and right around the corner if ya need me. Leon will keep you safe.”
Kaoru nods and off Koga goes, staring Kaoru down with that pitying look until he’s finally out of sight. Kaoru definitely still wasn’t all here. His head was still so light, heart still pounding. He forces himself to inhale deeply, counting in his head.
One... two... three…
He exhales slowly, hands pressing against his knees to ground himself. Once his breathing has settled a little he digs his nails into his palms, hoping a little pain will keep him in reality. It seems to work as it pulls his thoughts from his nightmare. The tightness in his chest begins to ease, and he lets out a quivering breath, fragile and uneven as he struggles to keep calm. His body still feels heavy, drained from the effort, but the crushing panic was ebbing. He leans back, closing his eyes, letting the calm wash over him bit by bit.
Kaoru whispers to himself, keeping quiet as to not wake Leon. “Mom. Give me a sign that everything will be okay.” He pulls his knees to his chest and can’t help but let go of the tears that had been building up in the corners of his eyes. He silently cries, letting himself go through the motions. His shoulders shake with each quiet sob, and his breathing is shallow, like the weight of his grief is pressing down on his chest and suffocating him. His forehead rests against his knees, strands of blonde hair clinging to his tear-streaked cheeks. He thrusts his nails into his knees and cries and cries, that’s all he can manage to do. He hopes he doesn’t break the skin and worry Koga, but his emotions are controlling the amount of force he uses more than his brain is. He squeezes his eyes shut as tightly as he can. Hoping that maybe, if he made himself small enough the pain would disappear. But the sobs keep coming, spilling in broken gasps, his body trembling as all his sorrows hit him at once.
Koga returns, lightly knocking on the open doorframe before letting himself in. “Senpai?” he questions softly, heading over to his mattress and laying down next to Leon.
Kaoru takes a deep wavering breath, silently praying that he had managed to hide his crying from Koga. He can’t seem to stop it however, so he lays back down, hugging his pillow tight against his head to muffle the rest of his sobs.
Koga speaks in a low, trembling voice, as if each word might crack under pressure. “I grabbed a throw blanket from the living room.” Kaoru hears Koga rustle around the room behind him, presumably fiddling with said blanket and looking at anything but the crying figure next to him. “You keep that one, it's more comfortable. We'll deal with the sewing in the morning,”
It’s hard for Kaoru to focus on Koga’s words, his head is so gloomy and full of dread, but recognizes that Koga paused for a response. Kaoru whines out some kind of acknowledgement before turning away and burying his head into the pillow further. Koga audibly sighs.
“It's almost five, which means if we go to bed now we can get about two hours.”
Kaoru hums another affirmative. He didn't really want to go back to bed, because the nightmares might come back. But he has to at least be quiet. Koga has school tomorrow, he can’t make his day any harder than he already has. He gulps in a large breath of air, trying to choke down the rest of the tears and force himself to calm through sheer will.
A moment passes and he hears Koga stirring around in bed once more, and suddenly there’s a warm hand on his shoulder.
“Here, borrow this. It’s Leons but I threw it in the wash so it’s probably fine. It seems to calm him down when he’s anxious durin’ fireworks or whatever so maybe it’ll help you.” Kaoru doesn’t stir but feels something soft get pushed between his arms and his face. Despite Koga saying he just washed it, when it’s this close it still sort of smells like dog, but also sweet lavender soap. He peers over through misty eyes and sees a blue plushie with a fin and big goofy eyes and a smiling face. It’s a little dolphin. Actually, he’s pretty sure he knows which of the local aquariums it’s from. One that he and his mom went to years ago.
The moment that clicks, a rush of memories hits him like a wave. He tries to hold it in, he really does, but his chest tightens and a new round of sobs escape. This time much louder than before. The dolphin, now pulled against his body, is the only thing muffling choked out whimpers and gasps. He can’t feel anything, can’t think straight, all he can do is cry for his mom. Tears blur his vision as he tries to blink them away, but the harder he tries to hold them back, the faster they fall.
Kaoru squeezes the dolphin to his chest, and Koga squeezes the hand around Kaoru’s arm a little harder. They stay like that for minutes, Kaoru riding out wave after wave of full body cries and shakes before he eventually has nothing left. Koga doesn’t say anything. His grip is tight, but he otherwise looks at Kaoru with a soft expression, silent and unmoving. Kaoru’s empty sobs give way to full body shivers, but he has no more tears left to fall. He takes in a shaky deep breath, trying to bring himself back to reality. Five am. Koga’s room. Right. Everything is going to be okay. The room was much quieter than before, his broken exhales echoing in the stillness, interrupted only by the soft, steady rhythm of Leon’s snores in the background.
Koga gives one last pained smile before stretching and giving into a big yawn. He stares down Kaoru and the pair make eye contact for the first time in a while. Waves of guilt hit Kaoru. He just cried while another man comforted him. How fucked up is that. No one could ever know about this.
Koga sighs and looks back at Leon. His words are slow and firm. “Alright. I'll count down from three, and you’re going to say what’s wrong and we’ll talk about it. Otherwise I'm really gonna go to bed.” … “Three.”
Kaoru tries to voice his thoughts but all that comes out his mouth is faltering inhales and the empty start of words. He squeezes his hands tighter.
“... Two,”
Kaoru’s voice, when it finally comes out, is hoarse and uneven, cracking on the first syllable. “My-,” He pauses and starts again, swallowing hard and trying to clear the lump in his throat with a flurry of coughs. Koga furls his brow and scowls at him.
"Sorry…" Kaoru manages, his voice barely more than a whisper.
“Go ahead.”
“My- My Dad, he-” Kaoru’s voice catches and another sob threatens to force its way out of his raw throat. Another wave of coughs and he launches himself up to a sitting position, trying to stop the choking. He draws a breath through his nose, holding it before letting go with a soft sigh. Everything is okay, really.
Koga frowns.
“I don’t… mean to be like this. Just. My dad, he’s just the worst. The absolute worst.” Another deep breath. “He thinks I’m a failure, that I’m ruining his life. Maybe I am though.”
“Your dad’s stupid Senpai,” Koga says bluntly.
Kaoru can’t help but giggle while wiping the tear tracks from his eyes. “You’re right.” A small smile forms on his face. “He’s dumb and wrong and he’s ruining my sister's life. I’m not going to listen to his shit. He can’t make me quit being an idol just so I take some nepotism business job. He can disinherit me all he’d like.”
“He can go fuck himself. You’re UNDEAD’s playboy bastard, we need you.”
Kaoru’s chest shakes with laughter when he hears the familiar nickname. It might not be that funny, but he can’t help it. The laughter comes from deep in his gut, uncontrollable and infectious. He feels snot drip down his face, but between this and all of the crying, a weight is lifted from his chest.
“I wasn’t trying to make a joke,” Koga punches his shoulder lightly. “I’m just not good at this comforting thing. You shoulda gone to Adonis,” Koga’s unable to keep a serious tone while trying to hold back his own chuckles.
Kaoru lets himself laugh with all he has. He genuinely hasn’t felt this relieved in a long time. A full-bodied cackle erupts from him, as if he couldn’t contain all the new joy he had inside. “You did perfect Wan-chan. Really really~,” he says between giggling fits.
Koga can’t hold himself back either and the two of them laugh and laugh, far more than the situation calls for. Kaoru’s laughter comes in waves, growing louder and more intense until he’s nearly gasping for breath. He’s doubled over, clutching the dolphin to his chest as he fights to take in gulps of air between uncontrollable fits of laughter. The sheer absurdity of all of this makes him laugh even harder.
“Who are you calling Wan-chan,” Koga wheezes, “I’m a lone wolf!”
Maybe it’s their lack of rest, but something about getting all the tenseness of the room out really brightened the situation. Leon even seems to chortle along in his sleep. Their laughter bubbles up between them like a force they can’t resist, filling the room with infectious energy. Each time one of them tries to stop, the other cracks up again, sending them both into another round of giggles. Slowly, the bursts of laughter become quieter, fading into soft chuckles. They exchange knowing glances, slowly trailing off into a comfortable silence. Worn out but content, they both breath heavy, regaining their composure little by little.
“Okay Hakaze …senpai,” Koga breathes, taking long pauses between words to make sure he doesn’t start laughing again. “We still have school in the morning. We really should get at least an hour of sleep.”
Kaoru cannot imagine going to class in the state he’s currently in. If he showed up with his hair like this the entire 3A would freak. Plus he didn’t have his makeup here to hide his puffy face, and based on the state of Koga’s bathroom he was sure he didn’t have his own concealer. He could bother Anzu for hers, but honestly he didn’t want her to see him like this. “Mmm, if you make me go I’ll just sleep in the marine bio club room. I’m exhausted.”
“You-” Koga’s face bubbles up red with anger before he exhales sharply, his shoulders sagging and the fire in his eyes dimming, as though he’s decided it isn’t worth the fight. “Fine. But we’re both going to sleep right now.” Koga gets up and immediately lays down on his bed and pulls the blanket over him, not giving Kaoru room for another word. “You seem to like the dolphin; I know you’re into surfing or whatever so maybe you should keep her if she helps you fall asleep.”
Kaoru sticks out his tongue, “getting a gift from a guy, hmm. I think I’ll politely decline♪. Now if you were a pretty girl~.”
“Playboy bastard! Go to sleep!” Koga barks out, waking Leon with an accentuated bark. Kaoru laughs once more as Koga coos and hushes the puppy back into slumber in the background. As Leon settles, Kaoru lays back down and pulls the dolphin back to his chest. Light from the sunrise starts to peek past Koga’s curtains into the room, but it’s otherwise tranquil, the sound of rain on the roof having stopped quite a bit ago. Kaoru sighs once more and closes his eyes. “Thanks mom,” he mouths. As he’s pulled into sleep he hopes for no more nightmares.
-
“Good morning,” Kaoru groans softly as the tug of a hand on his shoulder pulls him from the depths of a much needed sleep. His eyes flutter open, heavy with exhaustion. Every muscle feels weighed down, sinking into the mattress like it was holding him hostage. “I’m going to go take Leon out, and I’ll figure out how to sew your uniform after that. If you’re still in bed by the time I’m back I’ll be pissed.”
Kaoru lets out a drawn out sigh. “Okaaaaaay~,” he mutters, knowing the fight was already lost.
Koga leaves and Kaoru stretches his limbs and lightly slaps his face. Of course Koga wouldn’t let them sleep until the last second. A guy like Kaoru can’t be expected to function on only an hour of sleep. Unlike Koga he’s the easy going type, never pulling an all-nighter for school or work before. Plus he missed his entire skin care routine last night, how could he manage today at all?
Kaoru intends on making his way to Koga’s bathroom to at least splash water on his face, when an idea hits him. He launches off of the spare futon and into the kitchen, shrugging off a bit of his exhaustion along the way. There’s one thing he craves at a time like this, and he knows it would make a girl happy too. Perhaps Koga would like it as well? Rummaging through the fridge he starts on a cozy and quick breakfast. Maybe Koga has a pre-made pancake mix in his cupboard somewhere. Wait, Koga doesn’t like sweet things does he? With that in mind he cracks two eggs in the pan for Koga, starts on a pancake for himself, and throws a plate of bacon in the microwave. He wasn’t really sure what dogs ate, but everyone loved bacon, right?
A few minutes later and Kaoru is plating up two beautiful breakfasts that he’d love to be sharing with a girl on a romantic morning after right about now. Though Koga can be the substitute for now. As he sets aside the plate of bacon for Leon, the dog barrels back in through the front door.
“At least wipe your paws first- woah! What’s that smell?”
“Interested in a little breakfast? Made with love by your Kaoru-kun~♪,” Kaoru teases with a wink.
“Cut it out playboy bastard!” Koga shouts, loud enough to make Leon hop. “Though,” his voice lowers, suddenly much softer. “Thank you. I didn’t expect this.”
“I had to do something.” Kaoru smiles sincerely. “Thanks for having me over Koga-kun. Sorry for being a burden.”
“It’s fine. If it gets this bad again you can come over any time, though don’t make it a habit.”
Kaoru laughs and takes a big bite of the pancake he made just for himself. Sweet, just how he likes it.