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Dick registered the quick harsh footsteps instantly. Was able to turn and dodge the tiny fist flying at his face at the last second.
“How could you?!” Damian screeched, even as Dick stumbled back. He didn’t lurch again, but by the tightness of his fists, Dick knew he would eventually.
“Damian-”
“You had no right!” Damian continued, his voice already shattering into a thousand pieces between them.
Dick tried to smile. “I had no choice.”
“No, you didn’t.” Damian snapped, stepping forward. Dick countered immediately. Ready to defend. Ready to catch. “Because I took the initiative, and made it for you. For the others.”
Dick’s smile dropped. “I never wanted you to do that.”
“Oh, so now it’s always about what you want?” Damian did lunge now. Jumped to punch. Dick avoided it again, ducked and spun to the opposite corner of the room. “Why does it always have to be about what you want, Grayson? Why can’t it be about what I want, for once?!”
“And what is that, Damian?” Dick asked lowly, dryly. “What do you want?”
Damian growled, running forward. Dick didn’t dodge this time, just blocked. Rocked his arm a little as Damian kept trying to push his weight against it. Like he was a drill, trying to dig into Dick’s chest.
“I want you safe!” Damian howled, but it sounded more like a wail. “I want you alive!” Dick gently pushed him back, let Damian hobble backwards. “Why won’t you let me have that?!”
“Because it’s selfish.” Dick hissed, and Damian seemed almost surprised. He didn’t let the surprise last long, though. “Because to keep me safe, you were going to sacrifice yourself. And that’s not an equal exchange.”
“Because no one is equal to the sainted Dick Grayson.” Damian rolled his eyes, but Dick could still hear the pain in his words. “Trust me – I know.”
“No, you don’t.” Dick returned, hearing the emotions bubble to the surface in his own voice. “Damian, you don’t know at all.”
“I do.” Damian countered. “I wanted to be a hero, like I’ve been trained for. I wanted to save you, and Todd and Drake, like Father’s always wanted me to – like I’ve always wanted to. And you…you undermined me.”
Dick turned away. Closed his eyes. Gritted his teeth, steeled his heart. “Damian, you don’t get it.”
“I do.” Damian reiterated. “I made the sacrifice no one else was willing to, and you made it worthless.”
“I made it right.” Dick returned. Weaker now, barely a whisper. “Damian, the Court was using you, you have to see that.”
“Of course I saw that. And they could have strung me along as long as they wanted. The rest of my life, if need be.” Damian said haughtily. “I was aware of that when I went in there. Because, like I said, no one measures up to the Gray Son of Gotham, not even the Son of Batman. But that was the thing, Grayson.” Dick squeezed his eyes tighter. “You were the variable. They had no idea where you were. All you had to do was not show up.”
“And that’s the thing, Damian.” Dick croaked. “Because I had to.”
“You had to do nothing. That’s what I’m saying. You messed everything up because you exposed yourself, because you acted. Because you always feel the need to act. Let someone else act for once.” Damian pressed. “Or do you not trust us?”
“I do.” Dick breathed. “I trust you and the boys more than anything.”
“Oh? Fine.” Damian spat. And Dick heard the venom impending. Felt something tighten in his chest so fiercely, it hurt. Like a string going taut. “Then I guess you just don’t respect us.”
Like a string snapping.
“You don’t respect our intelligence, you don’t respect our decisions.” Damian’s venom was seeping, now. Into the air. Into Dick’s skin. “And yet, you – you and Father – always expect us to respect yours.”
Dick squeezed his eyes so tightly they hurt. Felt the tears welling up. Because Damian didn’t know. Damian didn’t understand-
“But I won’t. Not this time.” Damian hissed. “Because I didn’t ask to be saved. I didn’t want to be saved.” The venom ceased, for a second. “Not by you, not by anyone.”
Dick tried to breathe. Tried to inhale. Everything hurt.
“Your rescue was unwarranted and unwanted.” Damian hummed, the calm belaying his anger. That tiny crack in his voice belaying his own pain. “You had no right to do this. No right to trade yourself for me.”
Dick tried to swallow. His throat was dry, and tight.
“But see, the joke’s on you, Grayson.” Damian’s voice was shaking now. “The joke’s on you, because your sacrifice was just as worthless. Because you voided my contract with the Court to keep me safe. But I won’t be. I won’t be, because I will not rest until my original goal is met.”
Dick felt his shoulders hunching. Muscles trembling.
“I will not stop until you are home.” Damian said defiantly, regardless of his watery tone. “But until then.” A gulp. Loud and echoing. “Until then, I hate you. I hate you and will hate you until…” A pause. “I’ll hate you until my heart stops hurting.”
Another stop, and Dick felt a sob escape his lips.
“And, if memory serves,” Damian sighed bitterly. “It will continue to hurt until you are-”
“You don’t get it.” Dick cut off. Voice wrecked, as he tried to shake his head. “Damian, you don’t understand.”
His voice steeled, slightly. “I get it just fi-”
“No, you don’t!” Dick screamed, whirled around on the child. Now it was him stomping forward. Him getting into Damian’s space. “Because you know what? You’re right! I don’t respect you!”
Damian’s eyes sharpened, but he said nothing.
“I don’t respect you,” Dick repeated, adrenaline disappearing instantly, his body curling in on himself. Like he was wilting, like he was dying. He reached out, grabbed Damian’s arms. Squeezed. “Because I love you.”
Damian’s lips parted.
“I love you.” Dick whimpered. Couldn’t look at the child anymore. At his surprise at the words. Because it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Because Damian should have known, and he didn’t, and Dick knew that was his fault. He felt his body bow, felt his knees go weak, and suddenly he was slipping. Dropping to his knees, clinging desperately to Damian’s sleeves. “I love you so much, Damian.”
Even as his knees slammed to the floor, even with his anger and hatred and hurt, he felt Damian reach out, try to steady him.
“And you don’t understand. None of you understand. None of you know.” Dick gasped. “Everything I do, I do it for you.”
“You…” Damian whispered, monotonously. “You said. In the cave. After everything.”
Dick shook his head, leaned forward. And it hurt, it hurt even worse. On his knees, hunched practically to the floor, and he still just came to Damian’s shoulder. This child was so small. So fragile and precious and he was going to give his life for Dick’s.
Again.
“I do it all because I love you.” Dick repeated, gasp turning to a sob. Pressed his forehead against Damian’s collarbone. Pushed at it, until it dug into his skull. “Because I can’t lose you, any of you, again.”
Damian stood firm against the motion.
“Spyral, The Court, lying, pretending to be dead, willingly staying away, it was all to protect you.” Dick cried. Cried so hard, he didn’t notice the arms shifting up between his own, circling around his neck. “To keep you safe. Because you’re my family. You’re the only family I have left, and I can’t lose you again.”
His mind flashed to his parents. Their broken bodies, and wide eyes. Jerked to Jason’s grave, to Tim half-dead on a gurney, to Damian, looking like his mother. Like Mary. Dead on the ground, body mangled, face surprised.
“I can’t.” Dick breathed, closed his eyes once more. Dragged Damian forward. Into his arms. Against his chest. Heard Damian grunt in pain, but didn’t release. Just burrowed his face in the curve of Damian’s neck. “I can’t.”
There was a hesitation, then he felt Damian sigh. Lean his head against Dick’s.
“I can’t.” Dick repeated, shook his head. “I can’t do this anymore.” Another sob, and he sucked in a breath, tried to control it all, even as he twisted Damian’s shirt in his fingers. “Do you want to know why it wasn’t an even exchange, Damian?” The boy didn’t answer, and Dick squeezed him harder. “It’s because I’m not worth even half of you.”
He felt Damian’s fingers twitch against the back of his neck.
“You’re better than me. Worth more than me.” He wailed. “Deserve so much more than me, and what I’ve given you.” Another hesitation to sniff the snot back up his nose, and let out a dark chuckle. “I love you more than whole universe, would destroy the sun if it meant keeping you safe, and what does that say about me, that you didn’t even know that.”
Damian still didn’t respond, and Dick couldn’t even tell if he was still breathing.
“When March told me what you’d done, I…I wanted to die.” Dick admitted breathily. “I felt like the ground had just dropped out from beneath my feet. Like someone ripped my heart out of my body and stomped on it. I wanted to kill everyone in the room. Find you and hide you from the whole world, forever.”
That, at least, earned a quiet gasp.
“…I…just wanted you safe.” Dick whispered, jerking his grip tighter. Figuratively tried to suck Damian into his chest. Damian didn’t complain, or mention how Dick’s tears were now soaking his skin, absorbing into the edge of his shirt. “I just wanted you safe.”
“…When I just said that, you told me I was selfish.” Damian returned quietly. “Now what am I supposed to say to you?”
Dick could only shake his head, knowing the repeated gesture was probably painful for his brother’s skin, rubbing it raw. Damian didn’t say anything, though. Just dropped his hands from Dick’s neck, even as the elder started his litany.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Damian, I’m so sorry…”
Suddenly, slowly, Damian began to drop. Remaining in the confines of Dick’s arms, he slid down to his knees, curled into Dick’s chest and leaned his head on Dick’s shoulder, with his face towards his throat.
“…I’m sorry, too.” Damian whispered, after a moment. And it wasn’t on purpose. Really, it was a reflex, if nothing else. But Dick’s face twitched into a smile, as he wrapped tighter around his boy, cocooned him almost completely.
This was it. This was what he’d always wanted.
“…I didn’t want them to hurt you. I didn’t want you to have break your morals, or do anything you didn’t want to.” Damian confessed quietly. “Father has already made you do terrible things. He’s already made you go off to that espionage organization, I didn’t want you to have to be forced into…being owned. Not again.”
“And what, it would have been better if they owned you?” Dick found his smile deepening, as he once again tried to hold Damian closer. Impossible now, as they were skin to skin. But he couldn’t help it. He just loved this child so much, and was so heartbroken by how much he loved him in return. “If they made you break your morals?”
“…I just wanted to save you.” Damian croaked, and Dick felt his shoulders shaking. “That’s all I wanted to do.”
“Oh, but honey, don’t you know?” Dick breathed. “You’re saving me every day.” He squeezed Damian again, lifted his face out of the hollow of Damian’s throat to lean his cheek along the boy’s temple. “It’s about time I returned the favor.”
Damian curled deeper into Dick’s arms. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’ll be back.” Dick gasped a laugh, but it was still a sob. “I always come back, you know that.”
Damian shook his head, hair tickling Dick’s throat. “I’ll come with you.” Damian begged. “So then, we’ll be trapped together. And then we’ll escape together.”
Dick smiled, and his tears continued to fall. He squeezed Damian’s body, lifted a hand to hold the back of his head. “I love you so much, Damian.”
“Then stay.” Damian whined, and Dick’s own neck suddenly felt damp. “Please. You do everything for us. Everything, but the one thing we actually want you to do.”
“Everything I do, I do it for you. To keep you safe.” Dick whispered into Damian’s hair. “Not necessarily to keep you happy.”
“…I hate you.” And it broke the dam. A waterfall began to cascade down Dick’s collarbone, as Damian grabbed his shirt and pulled. “I hate you so much.”
“I know.” Dick cooed, and already, he felt himself falling back into the role. Comforting Damian, when he still needed comforting himself. Rocking the child back and forth, petting at his hair, even as his own tears renewed themselves. “I know, buddy.”
“…When.” Damian gasped. “When do you have to leave.”
“…Soon.”
“How soon?”
Dick closed his eyes. “By tomorrow morning. Dawn.”
He didn’t need to remind the boy it was already going on midnight.
“…Then what can I do.” Damian wheezed. “Everything you do, you do for us. But what, right now, can I do for you?”
Dick smiled through his tears, left a kiss on the child’s temple. Had that urge again, to pick this baby up and just run. “…Just let me hold you, kiddo.” A pause to sniff. “Just let me hold you until I can’t anymore.”
“…Okay.” Damian whispered, pressing even closer, letting Dick hold him even tighter. “…I’m so sorry, Grayson.”
Dick closed his eyes, inhaled, shifted so his chin hooked around Damian’s head. Kept his fingers firmly locked in Damian’s hair. “I’m not.”
And he never would be.