Work Text:
It's, ironically, the Tunnel of Love where they find the nest.
Off in one of the alcoves, the cardboard hearts and flowers destroyed by the infected, but repurposed by the birds as a new home.
"Nope. We're gonna haveta find another way. I ain't messin' with no swans," Ellis states.
"They're just birds," Nick growls.
"Nuh- uh. These are birds who didn't forget they were dinosaurs."
"I heard they can be aggressive," Rochelle chimes in.
"They are! This one time, Keith wanted to make his cousin's, well she wasn't actually his cousin, their parents were close, he wanted to make her wedding special. Doves were too expensive and he couldn't find any swans, so he found some Canadian Geese down at the crick and released them. And they were mad as hell! Anyway, Keith ended up with a broken nose. It was already broken because of the Pizzeria incident, but-"
"Ellis, now's not the time," Coach gently chastises him.
"We. Have. Guns," Nick grinds out, his teeth gnashing.
"Do we really want to piss them off more?" Rochelle teases.
The swan not nesting looks at them and hisses.
"I told you man. Don't piss the swan off! They're like little witches."
"I thought they were mini dinosaurs?"
"They can be both!"
"We also have a bat, a guitar, a crowbar, and I have 2 handguns!"
"And you ain't takin' down no witch dinosaur with that neither. Hm. I'd watch a movie called 'Witch Dinosaur'".
"Good name for a band too," Rochelle can't help but derail the conversation. Just to annoy Nick.
"I am not backtracking through this fucking place."
The swan hisses again.
"Shut the fuck up! I'm nowhere near your eggs."
"Hissss!"
"Aw, Nick found his real family!"
"Rochelle, I swear-"
"Everyone hush!"
Nick, Rochelle, Ellis, and both swans look at Coach.
"Listen," he whispers.
The huffs of a Tank.
"Well Ellis, what are you more scared of? A Tank or a swan?"
"Swan."
"Swan."
"Swan."
"Jesus Christ, people" Nick says, just as the wall behind him collapses
"Holy shit, it's the Kool Aid Man! Run!" Ellis shouts
"Tank!" Rochelle needlessly adds in.
The Tank roars, going to grab a chunk of concrete-
-And the Swan trumpets.
Somewhere, in its animal hindbrain, the Tank knows a challenge, turns toward the other predator, and bellows at it.
The quartet stop fleeing and turn to watch. All dumbfounded for different reasons.
The Tank goes to smash the swan who gracefully flutters out of the way, the ham hock sized fist hitting the ground making it rumble.
The Tank roars in pain as the swan starts hissing again.
Nick goes for his gun, but Coach stops him.
"Not yet "
"Why the fuck not?"
"Maybe they'll kill each other?" Rochelle suggests.
"Nah, my money's on the swan."
"Ellis, if the swan wins, I will give you any pain pills I find for the next 3 days."
"Make it mollies and 4 days!"
"Three days of Molotovs and a day of bile."
"Done!"
"And if the tank wins, you need to give me any adrenaline shots you find for 5 days and I get to say 'I told you so.' Repeatedly."
"Done!"
"Oh Ellis," Rochelle sighs.
The Tank goes to grab the swan, only for the swan to bite the Tank's hand.
The Tank roars again.
"What the actual fuck?" Nick asks.
"Swans've got teeth."
"No they don't!"
"They do! I saw it at the zoo! A swan bit Keith! And then Keith bit it back and neither would let go! Turned out Keith had a strain of rabies and got lock jaw-"
"I KNEW Keith caused this goddamn apocalypse!"
"Oh Keith had a strain of rabies at least once a year since he was 6 'n a half. He didn't do this."
The Tank swings its hand around to disengage the swan, but as it went to swing up, the swan let go.
And the roof of the Tunnel of Love collapses, concrete debris raining on the Tank, a chunk hitting it on the head.
The Tank blinked once, twice, dazed, before falling forward in the shallow run off that remained of the Tunnel's river.
They waited. One Minute. Three Minutes. Six Minutes .
"I told you," Ellis whispered. "I told y'all. YOU CAN DROWN IN THE TUNNEL OF LOVE CAUSE OF OVERCONFIDENCE!" Ellis whoops "And you owe me some mollies, Nick!"
Nick, grumbling, passes over a Molotov.
"And how do you suppose we deal with that!"
The triumphant swan stands on the dead tanks's back, still hissing.
"I didn't want to do this. This is a last resort. Gimme a moment," Coach is near tears.
"Coach?" Rochelle is both concerned and confused.
Coaches reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of popcorn, throwing it at the swan.
"I'll give some to his wife too," Coach sniffles.
"Are you fucking kidding me?! You had popcorn this whole time!?" Nick shouts.
"Boy, you know when you don't know when your next meal is gonna be, you grab what you can!"
"It's stale popcorn!"
"And I might never have it again!"
"We could've avoided all of this in the first place!".
"Aw we coulda eaten the popcorn durin' the fight," Ellis says morosely.
"I have a migraine," Nick announces. "Let's get out of here so I can take out my goddamn aggression against the zombies."
"Who do you think would win between a swan and a jockey?"
"Ellis!"