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There was a certain feeling that Adrien couldn’t place. He had all the metaphors and he would recognize it instantly, but he just couldn’t seem to put it into words. It was that feeling of looking at something beautiful through a shattered mirror, like seeing a picture-perfect scene one picture removed from reality, and smudged and blurred with dirty hands. It was like a faded tattoo, with all the previously sharp and crisp lines becoming unfocused and unclear, even though it’s still awestriking under a wonderful person’s skin.
He had all the words, and yet none of them. He could describe it in flowing verse, or with extended similes, like the poets and playwrights he loved so much, but he couldn’t just say it. It was awe and melancholy, blended with a touch of apprehension, a certain tension beneath his jaw, and a dancer performing pirouettes in his chest.
A refrain on a piano haunted his steps, and he stepped with the beat of a distant bass resonating through his bones. It was like the music in a boss’ chamber, the final one before you beat the game. One final boss, one final hurdle, one final secret, perhaps in that order, perhaps in whatever way the dice fell.
A high roll was favorable. When the dice hit the thundering floor, one partner would overshadow the other. A low roll was favorable. Adrien wondered how much bad and good luck really mattered, when they were on the same side. One or six, two or twelve, neither option fazed Adrien much, it was all the combinations in between that made him feel like he was in the hold of a python. But when they cast their dice, the third player brought a die of his own. Each one rolling singularly and stopping alone.
It came down to three.
The final boss fell, the final hurdle toppled, the final secret kept. Though Adrien felt strung out and strung up like a marionette, he was in the hands of a princess, no, a queen, and he knew no matter how he broke, he’d be repaired. His strings were taut and played like a cello, the melody joining in with the piano on his heels, and his lady looked lost, listless, lonely.
“It’s over,” he had said. “No more akuma. No more Hawkmoth.”
Ladybug gazed at him with all the stars and all the reflections of stars in the entirety of the ocean falling somewhere in the depths of her eyes. “No more akuma,” she repeated. And after a long pause, she added, “No more Ladybug.”
Adrien could utter only two words before his throat closed up and he realized what she had said. “My Lady?”
“We’re not needed anymore, Kitty. We finished our job.”
“But…”
“Now we need to get back to our lives.”
“You- this- it is my life.”
Ladybug was kind enough to give him a second look. She saw him and he saw her. One raw, desperate, fighting a crushing weight, doing his best to be the best he could be, the other, resigned, longing, her duty was over and so was her mantle. “You need to find another, then.” Her voice shook like it broke her heart to say it, and it broke his heart to hear it, but she sighed and moved to hug him.
She held him tight, but couldn’t hold him together. “Can’t we keep being friends?” He felt his voice shake and his body follow suit. “Without the costume? Paris doesn’t need us but…”
Ladybug offered him a forlorn smile and he felt anger bubble in his gut. “Chat…”
“I need you.” He finished his sentence, shaking his head roughly afterwards and wiping at the tears he refused to let fall. He burned knowing she was doing that to him, leaving him, knowing that she never would have even put up with him if she didn’t need to.
“Chat.” And how dare she smile at him, as if she were doing anything but crushing his soul. “You don’t need me. You need to live your life. Your other one.” My Lady, don’t say that. “You can’t be Chat Noir all the time. And I need to do the same.”
“And that means we can’t know each other?”
“I’m sorry, Chat. But with you… I don’t want to be Ladybug anymore. Can’t you understand that?”
“No! I can’t!”
She wrapped herself in her own arms, turning away so she wouldn’t be looking at him. “I don’t want to be a hero anymore. I just want to live my life like any other person. I want to have a dream and follow it. I want to achieve things without the name Ladybug hanging over me all the time. I want to forget about the things we’ve seen. Don’t you? Doesn’t any of it bother you? People turned into mummies, the Eiffel Tower destroyed… the people I care about disappearing or being enslaved…”
“Of course it bothers me!” Chat couldn’t help but snap when he responded. He felt bad for raising his voice, but he was angry, infuriated, that Ladybug, his Lady, was just turning her back on this entire side of her life, on him. “But there’s too much I’d rather not forget.” He lowered his voice again so that it was no more than a whisper.
Ladybug shook her head as she took her yo-yo in hand. “Goodbye, Kitty. I hope things turn out well for you.”
“Are you going to forget me?” he asked, but she was already on her way to wherever it was she called home.
He felt like he had pikes in his bones, and every step, every movement, every breath sunk them deeper and deeper and there was no way to get them out. He hung his head, and silently turned towards his own home, not even bothering to hide the streams of tears that seemed to erode the mask, tearing through it until all that was left was just a shy, quiet boy with just as much weight on his shoulders but no more strength to carry it.
Adrien never forgot. He loved Ladybug with all his heart and though romance waned with time like a picture-perfect scene one picture removed from reality and left in the sun, he loved her as deeply as he ever had. Many said love was a feeling, something they can’t help. Adrien would have agreed back when he was Chat Noir, but he had learned since then. Love was a choice. Someone in love chooses to look at another and see the ocean in their eyes or the sun in their smile. Adrien chose to keep loving Ladybug, but he never forgot her last words either. Even if he had a way to find her, it would be improper for him to do so. She wanted to forget him. He reminded her of all the terrible things they’d seen and experienced and he had to let her move on. She had chosen to stop loving him, and he had to accept that. Anything to make her happy.
He had no doubt that she was out there somewhere in Paris, laughing and dancing, enjoying her common life, making the most of it, achieving great things. And if he were to be honest with himself, he hoped she was thinking about him.
Because after everything was all said and done, after Hawkmoth was defeated and Ladybug and Chat Noir retired from duty, in her mind may be the only place Adrien even existed.
The public knew Chat Noir of course, but Ladybug had been around him for more. She knew more of him than anyone else, even if she only knew the name “Chat”. Sometimes when he considered it, he knew that names mattered, and that even she never really knew “Adrien” either. He preferred to ignore that kind of thinking because what was he but a relic? He was just a fragment of her past and if she couldn’t even remember him then he wasn’t that much either.
The thought kept him awake at night. That one and others. Adrien didn’t get much sleep for a long while but no one noticed because he kept on smiling, kept on waving, kept on appeasing the crowds and his family and everyone except himself.
He would have tried introducing himself as Adrien, but it seemed either everyone knew him or everyone wanted to do the introductions for him.
“Please welcome, Ms. Olivia Agreste!”
“You need to find another, then.” Ladybug’s words swam through his mind, painting every crevasse of his brain with their hue. “You need to live your life.” He stepped onto the stage, moving gracefully to sit in the spotlight on the large, comfortable chair they had set out for him. I need to make my life.
When the audience had quieted, the host of the show began. “So, how are you today, Olivia?”
“Oh, I’m peachy, thank you.” Adrien smiled carefully, considering whether to really do what he had planned.
“So, we understand that you accepted a contract to model some clothes by a lesser-known designer, is that right?”
“Marinette Dupain-Cheng, correct.”
“There has been some speculation that you only accepted the job because you two used to be classmates in school. How well acquainted were you with Ms. Dupain-Cheng?”
Adrien pursed his lips. “Actually, I have a manager who handles what jobs I do and don’t take, so it wasn’t entirely my decision. That said, I’m very glad I have the chance to wear her designs. Even in school, I always admired her work.”
“Interesting! Do you ever work with the designers themselves?”
“Sometimes.”
“Are you looking forward to seeing your old classmate again?”
“Very much.” Adrien giggled gently. “I haven’t seen her in person in a long time! We’ve kept in contact though; our best friends are close so we often talked through them.”
“Well everyone, how about we watch the surprise reunion between these two long lost classmates, huh?” Adrien blinked, watching the host carefully. “Let’s invite Ms. Marinette Dupain-Cheng out right now!”
Adrien turned to see Marinette walk confidently onto the stage. He thought, as he always did, that she was stunning. He smiled seeing that she had let her hair down, it was rare that he got to see that, and grinned at the little brass bell on her necklace, hanging delicately at her throat and in high contrast with her slim, black dress. He stood as she approached, and greeted her politely.
As he eyed her green headband, the show host called out to the audience. “Aww, look they’re matching!”
Adrien laughed along with Marinette as they looked at each other, realizing that what was said was totally true. Adrien had come dressed with his grey shirt and black vest along with a green tie (He had insisted on it, actually, rather than wearing the dress he was offered at the start).
“We are.” Adrien sat back down in his chair, turned more this time to face Marinette better. “I don’t have a bell though.”
“I think you’d look adorable with a bell.” Marinette giggled, touching her own. “Maybe we should add that to the list of things for you to model, huh?”
Adrien smirked. “Just a bell?” The audience cheered and whistled loudly.
“Just a bell? Olivia don’t start with the flirting again. I don’t think poor Kim ever really recovered.”
“Well anyway, I think it’s a great idea.” He waved off Marinette’s comment. “I’ll wear just a bell just for you any time, princess.”
The crowd erupted when Adrien winked at her, and he was satisfied seeing Marinette’s sly smirk. “Yeesh,” the host said, turning her attention to Marinette, “was she this bad when you went to school together?”
“Oh no, she’s much worse now.”
Adrien leaned closer to her meaningfully and smirked. “Oh, is it really worse, Marinette?”
“Painfully so.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.
“Alright, alright,” the host said to draw their conversation back on focus, “so, aside from the bell, what can we look forward to seeing Ms. Agreste in as you two start working together?”
Marinette brightened, like a sunbeam focused through a magnifying glass. “Well, I think that’s something you’ll just have to wait to see, isn’t it?”
“Oh come on, give us a hint at least!”
Marinette seemed to consider it, a happy smile on her face the entire time. “I suppose… let’s just say that some of the clothes are inspired by someone that everyone in Paris knows.”
“I see. And, Olivia, how much do you know about this line?”
“Not much just yet,” Adrien said.
“So if you had to ask one question about the line before you go off to model, what would it be? You’ve got Ms. Dupain-Cheng right here.”
Adrien looked Marinette in the eyes and considered his words carefully. It was a feeling he knew and hated. Off, like a name he couldn’t quite place, and terrifying, like facing down an akuma but so, so much worse because he had no backup, no Ladybug to get him out of trouble. And he knew all he did was cause trouble. “I’d ask how much of it is gender-neutral clothing.” He said it confidently, even though inside he felt like he was free-falling. I told myself it’s time, he repeated, so I have to. I’m ready. I’m ready to do what Ladybug wanted me to do. To take control of my own life, to be who I want to be and express myself how I want without a mask to hide behind. She already is, I’m sure. I hope she knows, somehow, and I hope she’s proud of me.
Marinette seemed surprised by the question. “Uh, well, actually most of it is gender-neutral.”
“What a curious question!” the host exclaimed. “Would you explain why that one in particular?”
Adrien shrugged. “I don’t like wearing girl clothes. Dresses and the like, it’s kind of uncomfortable.” The host was visibly shocked, but Marinette just looked at him curiously. He decided talking to her was easier than talking to the host, so he focused on her face instead. “I’m transgender, actually.”
For him it was like sand falling through an hourglass. Just a few grains at a time passed by his eye in slow motion. Marinette furrowed her brow, pursed her lips, and looked at him with concern.
One second.
The host sits back, looking like she was trying to collect her thoughts. She arched an eyebrow, leaned forward again, and opened her mouth to speak.
Two seconds.
The crowd was a sea of faceless people all somehow showing every emotion on the range he could have expected. Mostly surprise, a few people looking ecstatic, a few more looking uncomfortable. Adrien wondered if somehow, for some reason, Ladybug found herself in that crowd that day. He knew that she had already known, but he wondered if she would show the same support for someone who she wasn’t tied to through duty. Then he mentally chastised himself for thinking Ladybug could be any less than absolutely supportive.
Three seconds.
“Wow, transgender?” the host said. “So you’re…”
“I’m male, yes.”
“Oh? Why don’t you tell us about that?”
Here we go. “Well, I guess… my name is Adrien, but past that, there’s not much else to say really. I’m just a guy.”
“But you’ve been modeling since you were a child, right?”
“Yes.”
“We’ve all seen you model cute dresses and all that stuff, is this a new thing?”
“Uh, no.” Adrien shook his head. “Not at all. You see back then my dad was in charge of my career. He controlled what I did and didn’t wear, and he didn’t know. And past that I just kept modeling girl clothes because I wasn’t ready to come out. I actually started identifying as male before I even started going to public school. And before that I didn’t even really realize that I was any different from other guys.”
“And, Marinette you’ve been quiet so far, what do you think about this?”
“What do I think?” Marinette made a face. “I had a friend a long time ago who was trans; I know that it doesn’t matter what I think. I’m going to do what I can though.” She smiled at Adrien. “We don’t want you wearing anything you’re not comfortable in. And I’m still your friend, even if it’s been a while. You can count on me.”
“I know I can, Marinette. It means the world.”
The audience shouted at their cuteness, which made Adrien flush just a little (and Marinette a lot) before things got rolling again and they cut to commercial break. Adrien sighed, leaning back in his chair. He was careful not to be too haphazard about it, there were still people in the audience, but he relaxed just a bit.
And hey, he thought he deserved to. “Hey, well done.” Marinette grinned casually at him and held up a fist. He almost laughed at the gesture. A fist bump seems almost juvenile now. At the same time, it doesn’t feel like all that long ago I was waiting for Ladybug to give me one. Huh. He held up his own fist to meet hers, allowing the smile to slip back onto his features.
“Thanks.”
And that was all he needed.
He had no doubt Marinette would be reassuring him later on, but right then, in front of the audience and the television show host and very nearly the world, it felt so much like a Ladybug response that he knew he could push on. Marinette is proud of me. Ladybug would be too.
“And we’re back! Let’s jump in here straight away, Adrien.” The host gave him a meaningful look. “Last time you were on the show you revealed to us that you had a secret boyfriend! Now, I understand you two broke up a while ago?”
“Yes. We’re still good friends though.”
“So do you happen to have a significant other right now and if you do, are they watching this show because wow that would be a big bomb to drop on someone.”
Adrien laughed nervously. “No, I’m not dating anyone right now.”
“Oh, so you’re single. Is there any special someone you have your eye on?”
“Well, Marinette is pretty special, isn’t she?” He winked at her, chuckling as she rolled her eyes. “And I’m looking straight at her.”
Marinette chided him gently. “Be serious, Adrien.”
“Alright, fine. But not being interested in anyone isn’t exactly interesting.”
“So logically, the best solution to that problem is for us to profess our undying love for each other.”
“Logically. Hey Marinette, I love you.”
“Love you too, dork.”
“Now,” the host said, “now it’s hard to believe you two haven’t seen each other in, what, years?”
“We meet occasionally, but only once every few months at best. It’s been a few years since we’ve talked on a regular basis though, yeah.”
“And not for lack of trying.” Marinette added in. “Our best friends and us are always trying to organize get-togethers but all four of us seem to be so busy all the time, we never manage it with our schedules.”
“And that is a shame.” The host looked them over carefully. “You two seem to have a really nice dynamic going on there, do you think that’s a good sign for you two going forward? Do you plan on working together in the future?”
Adrien answered immediately. “Definitely. I mean, I at least love both Marinette and her work. I’d be honored to work more with her later on.”
“I feel exactly the same way,” Marinette said. “Though whether we do or not will probably be determined by how well it works out this time. I’m optimistic though.”
“As am I. We’ve always been a pretty great team.”
“Hmm, I can imagine.” The host looked more directly at Marinette. “Well we know about Mr. Agreste, but does our rising fashion designer have someone special in her life?”
Marinette giggled. “Oh, no. I’m afraid not.”
“You’re both just enjoying the single life then?”
“I suppose.” Marinette chuckled.
“Tell me something, does that have anything to do with your work? We all know the life of a designer can be pretty busy. Was there much you had to give up?”
Adrien sucked in a quiet breath as he watched the burning sunshine in Marinette’s eyes dim into a sunset. “I wouldn’t say being single has much to do with my job. But I did give up quite a bit to get where I am.”
“Yes, it can be tough. But for all the aspiring designers out there, who want to make something that someone as famous as Mr. Agreste would wear, would you say it was worth it? And if it’s not too uncomfortable, could you tell us what you gave up?”
“I’d rather not say, honestly. The entire thing was confusing and scary. But no, I don’t regret it. I’m glad to be where I am now. If it’s your dream, you should go and get it. If it makes you happy, any sacrifices along the way will be worth it. That’s what I think, anyway.”
The host hummed quietly. “Thank you,” she said. “Now, it’s nearly time to wrap up and bring out our next guest, so I just have one final question for the both of you.” Adrien shared a look with Marinette as the host spoke. “We’re going to be changing the subject a bit here, but your friend is the one who runs the Ladyblog, correct? So you two must be fans of Ladybug and Chat Noir?”
Adrien responded with a smile, though out of the corner of his eye he noticed Marinette tense just slightly. “Oh yes,” he said. “In fact, if our friend wasn’t already holding the title, I’d call myself their biggest fan.”
The host laughed along with him, but quickly continued. “With both of them gone for a few years now the Ladyblog has turned into more of a fan site than a news blog. I’ve seen a lot of speculation as to what happened to the heroes, but I thought while I have you two here, with you being so close to the creator, you’d have some idea of why they disappeared.”
When he looked, it was clear to Adrien that Marinette wasn’t interested in answering. She bit her lip and her eyebrows knit together as she stared at the floor nearby. So he spoke for them both. “Well we don’t actually know much either. Ladybug and Chat Noir liked the Ladyblog, yes, but they didn’t tell anyone before they disappeared. Our friend who runs the blog put together everything she could find and started theorizing. She essentially decided, and she posted this on her blog by the way, that Ladybug and Chat Noir are either dead or just living their civilian lives. Personally, I think they just went back to their lives. They beat Hawkmoth, the one sending out the akuma, so they weren’t needed anymore. So they left.”
“Ms. Dupain-Cheng, I want to make sure you have a chance to answer before we finish.”
Marinette took a quick, deep breath. “I think Adrien is exactly right. With the akuma threat gone, Paris doesn’t need Ladybug and Chat Noir anymore. They have no reason to keep showing up.”
“Do you two think that, if something else began to threaten Paris, something similar to the akuma events, Ladybug and Chat Noir would return?”
“Without a doubt.” Adrien sighed, looking over to Marinette.
“I don’t know.”
“Okay, well thank you both for being here.”
“Of course.”
“It was a pleasure.”
The host began to address the cameras, closing off that segment of the show. When they were all given the clear, Adrien stood up and followed Marinette off the set and to the exit of the building.
“Are you busy after this?” he asked, feeling a strange coiling in his gut that he couldn’t quite place a feeling to.
“No,” Marinette said, “I was planning on just going home.”
“How about we go out to dinner together then? I don’t get to see you nearly enough.”
“You’ll be seeing plenty of me soon.” A wry smirk found its way onto her lips. “But that sounds nice.”
“Great!” Adrien took hold of her hand and guided her to her car. They decided on a restaurant before Adrien opened her door for her, making sure to bow just for fun. “Promise you won’t forget?”
“In the ten minutes it takes to drive there? I’m more worried about you forgetting.”
“As if I’d ever forget a date with a princess.”
Marinette rolled her eyes. “I’ll see you there, Adrien.”
“Yeah. See you there.” He took a step back, closed her door for her, and watched her drive away.
“So, a clothing line inspired by someone everyone in Paris knows,” Adrien said after a short lull in their conversation. “Interesting. I hope they’re cute.”
“Oh, he was very cute. Terrible flirt though, but you wouldn’t know anyone like that, would you?”
“I can think of one or two.” He linked his fingers together and rested his chin on them, leaning on the table. “So now that we aren’t on live television, will you tell me who inspired the line?”
“It’s just a few items, really.” Marinette giggled. “It’s Chat Noir.”
He couldn’t resist snickering at that. “Ooh, I think I make a great Chat Noir, don’t you?”
“Almost too good, I think. You remind me of him now.”
Even though he meant to say it in a suave way, Adrien was fairly certain his next words came out as more frightened. “Is that a bad thing?”
“I don’t know. I ran into him a lot, you know. He even visited me on my balcony occasionally. We were friends.” Adrien tilted his head slightly, uncertain about the way her voice trembled. “But after he and Ladybug beat Hawkmoth, he never came back. I’m not really surprised, but I did half-expect him to say goodbye at least.”
“Oh…”
“It’s my own fault though.”
“I doubt that’s true.” Adrien furrowed his brow, trying to think back to every time he talked to Marinette as Chat. She never gave me a reason not to like her. He knew he just didn’t think about her. After Ladybug left it didn’t occur to him. He saw her when he wasn’t Chat, too, so it was easy to forget.
“It is. Hey Adrien… can you keep a secret?”
“Of course.”
“Well… you came out today, so I will to. I’m… I used to be Ladybug.”
Adrien felt like he had pikes in his bones, and every movement, every breath sunk them deeper and deeper and there was no way to get them out. He didn’t know how to respond, nor how he even wanted to. “Oh…”
“When we beat Hawkmoth, I told him to forget about us and that entire life we had.”
He felt like there was sand in his throat, scratching and irritating and tearing through down to his lungs.
“That’s probably why he never said goodbye to me as Marinette.”
“Is- do you regret it? Leaving Chat noir? Do you know who he is?”
Marinette looked at him strangely, no doubt picking up on his shaky breath, but she seemed to ignore it. “No. I don’t know who he is, and the only thing I regret is that my decision probably hurt him. I wish it didn’t have to, but every time I think about then, fighting the akuma, its…” She bit her lip, and Adrien was sure she was fighting back tears (though he couldn’t exactly see clearly, since his own eyes were beginning to water). “I can’t think about that. And he… he reminds me. I can’t look at him without thinking about… everything.”
“Th- then why use him as inspiration?”
“Because I can’t stop thinking about him.” She shook her head sadly. “When I visit my parents and my dad’s baking cheese bread, all I can think about is how much he would’ve been complaining… he didn’t like cheese. Any stray kitten I see makes me think of him; even the awful puns you see on tv and the internet remind me of him. I was kind of hoping that using him as inspiration, using our lives as inspiration, would… I don’t know, help me comes to terms with it. I just hope he did a better job forgetting me than I did him.”
“I don’t think he would have wanted to forget you.”
“No, he didn’t. But thinking about him is better than thinking about everything else. I just wish my decisions didn’t hurt him.”
There was a certain feeling that Adrien couldn’t place. He had all the metaphors and he would recognize it instantly, but he just couldn’t seem to put it into words. It was that feeling of looking at something beautiful through a shattered mirror, like seeing a picture-perfect scene one picture removed from reality, and smudged and blurred with dirty hands. It was like a faded tattoo, with all the previously sharp and crisp lines becoming unfocused and unclear, even though it’s still awestriking under a wonderful person’s skin.
He had all the words, and yet none of them. He could describe it in flowing verse, or with extended similes, like the poets and playwrights he loved so much, but he couldn’t just say it. It was longing and melancholy, blended with a touch of despair, a nightmare covering his mind with an awning, and a hiker falling from some mountain.
It was something beautiful made horrible by circumstance.
Because he found Ladybug, but she could never find him. He couldn’t allow it, no matter how much he wanted to. She was a secret, and if he was too loose with his tongue, she’d be broken. She had made a choice, the one she knew was best for her, and Adrien had to respect that.
He had chosen to love her, but she had chosen to forget him.
And all at once, a refrain on a piano once again haunted his back and he moved with the beat of a distant bass resonating through his bones. As his heart sped up, timing it’s beat to the music, Ladybug drew close. Adrien decided that the only way for Ladybug to really be happy was if he stopped the music entirely.
But he couldn’t leave and he couldn’t die, so all he could do was keep his mouth shut and live knowing that he plagued his Lady’s thoughts just as much as she plagued his and neither of them brought the other comfort.
It came down to two.
Two decisions made by two very different people, leaving two voids in the hearts of heroes, and two melodies that could never harmonize again. As one drifted further away, their pitch changed, leaving them both off-key and off-balance.