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“This isn’t just about sex for me, all right?” The words came out of Maria’s mouth, and as soon as they were out in the open, she was convinced she had just made a fatal error. She should have kept this to herself, and she had probably just ruined everything that she and Natasha had. Natasha’s face was unreadable, and all Maria could think was I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up.
“What is it about, then?” Natasha sounded genuinely puzzled, to Maria’s bewilderment. She hated that Natasha was making her say it explicitly, and she turned away, unable to look at the other woman.
“Look. Despite how irrational and unwise it was, feelings happened. And apparently I don’t have enough self control to just keep them to myself. I’m guessing it’s not the same on your end,” Maria said. It was hard to keep the frustration out of her voice, and part of her was waiting for Natasha to rip into her, to tell her how incredibly stupid she was to let herself be vulnerable and care about someone.
The harsh words never came, though, and Natasha studied Maria for a moment before speaking.
“I never said it wasn’t the same on my end. You jumped to conclusions,” Natasha said. Her voice sounded a little hesitant, though, and Maria wondered if she had fucked things up in a different way by being aggressive and angry.
“I just figured it’s not a wise thing for people like us to do, and I thought you’d agree. Feelings aren’t sensible.” Maria hated her own words, but she couldn’t let herself begin to hope for anything. Everything good she had ever gotten in her life, she had earned by extreme effort and pain, and she certainly hadn’t earned Natasha’s affection. Natasha was frowning now, and Maria felt like she was continuing to dig herself into a deeper hole.
“I don’t agree, but if that’s how you feel about it, I won’t bother you with it.” Natasha turned to go, and Maria followed her, cursing inwardly at herself. You always fuck things up, Hill. Nothing new.
“That’s not how I feel about it, I just...I expected that you would. I didn’t think you’d want to pursue something like this.”
“Don’t assume you know what I’m thinking. Ask me.” Maria could hear the hurt in Natasha’s voice, and she hated herself for it. She floundered for a moment, trying to think of something to say, anything to try and repair this. Finally, she forced words out of her mouth.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. This just...means a lot to me. It was a self-preservation mechanism, to assume the worst.” So I won’t get hurt when you say no.
Natasha stopped moving and looked at Maria again, and Maria felt intensely vulnerable under her gaze.
“I can understand that,” Natasha said, and for a moment, Maria allowed herself one tiny pinprick of hope. “I do the same thing.” She paused. “I want this, but we have to talk to each other, okay? I won’t assume what you’re thinking, and you won’t assume what I’m thinking.” Maria blinked in surprise, not having expected that response.
“I can do that.” Maria wondered if this meant as much to Natasha as it did to her. “Thank you for giving me a chance.” Natasha looked at her again, but this time, her gaze was softer.
“I wouldn’t want to lose a chance with you.”