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Katsuki was never one to admit that he needed help. He is strong. One of the strongest heroes, even. He should be able to handle his baggage on his own.
That was until the panic attacks started. Then the sleepless nights. Leading into mornings where he needed caffeine to even keep his head up. Then the cycle again, and again, and again. Until even he couldn’t handle it. That’s when he threw himself, doubts and all, into therapy. Yeah, the kind where you sit on a fancy couch and just… talk. Of course, he was hesitant at first, scared even. He didn’t want to share his darkest fears and secrets to this stranger. But eventually, it did help. His memories of his death started to bubble to the top, but with that, he was able to confront them head-on. Just like he was good at — face-to-face combat.
That’s when the panic attacks subsided. Then comfortable, restful nights. Leading into mornings where he woke up naturally and without any hassle. Only this time, he had to fight for this cycle. Had to chew on these memories and spit them out and face them. He’s heard about repressed memories, sure. He never thought actually remembering them would help him overcome them. But, it did.
But something else was starting to rise in these memories that he direly wanted to forget. The sun, itself. With his red hair, sharp, canine-like teeth, and a smile brighter than all the stars bundled together.
—
“Yo, Bakugou. What’s up”, Eijirou answered the phone, like the beaming ball of energy he is. It startled Katsuki. He’d half-forgotten what he was getting himself into with this phone call. Damn him.
“Kirishima. Hey. You on patrol today?”, Katsuki held his breath. It’s not like he was confessing his feelings to his high-school crush today. Not that it was still a crush. No, not at all. He liked Kirishima a normal amount. He doesn’t know why he’s so anxious anyways. He sees Kirishima most days on his weekly patrol. But, they hadn’t had any one-on-one time in… months? It just wasn’t an option with their clashing schedules. And it’s not like Katsuki just hung out with people anyways. He was a busy man. He had shit to do.
“Nope! My first day off in…”, He could almost hear Kirishima thinking, “…Hell, I don’t even know. It’s been days, haha!”
Fuck. Should he really take away Kirishima’s free time for his emotional load of bullshit?
“Oh… Hmm”, Fuck. Why can’t he say shit?
“Do you want to grab dinner or something? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you bro! What are you feeling? I’ve been craving some sort of barbeque!”
Thank god.
“Whatever, shitty-hair. I’m fine with that. I’ll meet you at 5”, Katsuki thanked himself for being able to form a sentence under this immense pressure.
“Sounds good! See ya!” Click.
The nerves immediately settled their way into Katsuki’s stomach. What was he thinking? Throwing his baggage onto Kirishima? He knows it will help him in the long run. It will! And he’s not even confessing. He hasn’t thought of Kirishima in that way in years. Since graduation. He knew better than to try to build a relationship while trying to become a pro hero. He knew that Kirishima needed space so he could work his way to the top, too. Realistically, it wouldn’t have worked. His stomach twisted even further, working its way into his chest. He knew an oncoming panic attack like the back of his hand.
Breathe in.
3…
2…
1…
Breathe out.
But what if it would have worked? He’s not into romance, he’s not a showy guy. But what if he loved Kirishima in his own ways? Like not calling him shitty-hair anymore? Or competing against him, determining who’s the better chef? What if he could only bring himself to hold Kirishima’s hands in the confines of his own home? What if. What if. This couldn’t be happening.
Closing his eyes, Katsuki curled back into his comforter. The calmness didn’t come without tears. This is a secret, but sometimes, crying really helps him. His therapist told him that it was a healthy release, and he wanted to disagree. But he didn’t. When he thinks back to the fight with AFO, he can’t help but feel it all over again. The feeling of defeat. The feeling of death latching onto him with its claws. The thing is… he wasn’t scared of death. He was scared of the things he saw as his life flashed right before his eyes (which he can’t believe is actually true, by the way). He saw himself and Izuku obtaining their All Might cards. He saw his parents. He saw himself being accepted into UA. He saw his apology to Izuku, for being a dumbass. He saw All Might’s fight in the Kamino Ward. That one hurt. And as his dying mind and body watched the rain fall against the shields of where they kept the fight contained, he felt cold. He felt miserable. He felt alone. He likes to think that the mind clings to happiness in the last moments. Clings to the thing that made you warm when you were alive. That the brain forces you to come to terms with things you ignored when you were alive. That’s when he thought of Kirishima. He saw him for all that he is. The boy who kept Katsuki level. The boy who reached his hand out for him, when everyone else was scared he’d take a bite out of them. The boy who looked at him so softly, it was almost scary.
Katsuki fell back asleep, dreaming of the red-haired man, with silent tears wetting his cheeks.
—
Katsuki made it just in time to see Eijirou stepping into view beside the restaurant of his choice.
“Bakugou!”, Even at his grown age of 24, he ran up to Katsuki like a little kid runs to an ice cream truck.
“Shitty-hair”, Katsuki puts his palm out, stopping Eijirou in his steps. Not without him crashing into Katsuki’s arm first.
“Come on! I haven’t seen you outside of patrol in what? Weeks? Months?! I’ve missed you, bro!”, He smiles deeply at Katsuki, who decides to throw Kirishima a bone and flashes a grin. How could he not when Kirishima was just so bright?
“Whatever. Let’s go eat. I’m starving”, Katsuki opens the door, ushering Kirishima in front of him.
—
Needless to say, lunch was delicious and Katsuki was grateful Kirishima had great taste in food.
When they exited the restaurant, the sun was starting to set. Katsuki’s stomach was in knots and tangles that no matter how many breaths he took, it was not unraveling.
No time is better than the present.
Before they both started their “Goodbyes” and walking in opposite directions to their respectful apartments, Katsuki swallowed his pride and reached his hand onto Kirishima’s shoulder. It tensed beneath him.
“Kirishima… Um, do you maybe want to walk to the beach? It’s close and I haven’t got shit to do after this and… we haven’t hung out in months”, Katsuki word-vomited, immediately saving his ass, “Unless you’ve got somewhere you gotta be”.
Kirishima’s eyes widened, red orbs taking in his own. A small smile crept its way onto the red-head’s face.
“Sure thing, Bakugou!”, Kirishima’s smile grew even bigger, if that was possible. His eyes glowed mischievously, before gripping the hand on his shoulder and bolting towards the beach.
“What the fuck, shitty-hair?! What’s the rush?”, Katsuki followed. He would say “against his will” given that his hand was pressed firmly into the other man’s, but he knows that he would follow Eijirou to the ends of the earth regardless if he had his hand or not.
Kirishima’s pace didn’t falter once.
“I come to the beach often after harder shifts, clearing my mind and all. This sun is about to set and I am doing you, Bakugou, an act of service and taking you to the most beautiful spot I can think of!”, Kirishima looked over his shoulder, catching Katsuki’s mild expression. He smiled brightly, shark-teeth shining and all, “It’s the least I can do. Maybe it can be a place for you to rest too!”
Katsuki tensed. He didn’t want to ruin this place for Kirishima. He didn’t want to confess his dead feelings to his best friend, who obviously has other love interests. Who wouldn’t love him? He’s gorgeous. He’s bright. He’s everything Katsuki could ever want in a partner. Or… what he would have wanted in a partner. He needs to let him go in his own mind. Regardless of Kirishima being the last thing he thought of while he was dying.
Seven minutes of running later, they made it (Or so Kirishima proclaimed).
“This is it!” He twisted around to Katsuki (dropping his hand, to Katsuki’s dismay), and threw his arms wide open, presenting his place proudly.
Katsuki couldn’t lie, it was stunning.
They were on the pier, the water sloshing underneath making for wonderful ambient noise. The sun was almost kissing the surface of the water, making it glow a soft pink, moving slowly into a deep red. The sky was a bright orange, getting darker the closer you look to the horizon.
Katsuki darted his eyes in Kirishima’s direction, taking mental note of how fucking stunning his friend is. He wants to yell at himself. He doesn’t want these feelings anymore. He doesn’t want to think about Kirishima being his fucking last thought on this planet. He doesn’t want to be held back by these panic attacks anymore. He wants the release. He wants to let go. But, would it be so bad to imagine would could have been?
Eijirou’s hair was down today, Katsuki noted as he took him in. It looked soft. Well maintained, despite the copious amounts of hair gel that Katsuki knew he used. His eyes were bright, the whites glowing a soft orange in this light while he watched the water lap over and over. A soft, pleasurable smile graced his lips. He was glowing. An absolute masterpiece. Katsuki wants to bet any old, ancient artist that even they couldn’t recreate the scene in front of him. But, he didn’t want anyone to see Kirishima like this. This was for his eyes only.
Selfish bastard.
“-ugou?”
“Huh?”, Katsuki snapped his eyes away from Kirishima. He did not just get caught gazing at his best friend, “Sorry. Didn’t get enough sleep last night and I just keep fucking zoning out. Didn’t mean to look too closely at your ugly mug”. Eijirou giggled, the sound like wind chimes. Katsuki cringed at himself.
“I understand. It’s hard to come by good sleep these days. Who knew being a pro hero was so… exhausting?”, Eijirou’s smile faded and Katsuki wanted to fight tooth and nail to get it back on his pretty face. “Not to get under your feathers, but… Are you okay Bakugou?”
Fuck.
“Depends. I’m doing better than I used to”, Katsuki stepped beside Eijirou, crossing his arms over the edge of the lookout. Overly cautious of how much space he left in between him and the man on his left.
“I miss this. I miss hanging out with you, with everyone. Sometimes, I think back to the dorm days. But then, I remember why we were there in the first place and… I don’t want anyone to have that trauma anymore”, Eijirou sighed, placing his head on top of his crossed arms. Katsuki wanted to reach up and see if his hair feels as soft as it looks. But that’s not why he was here.
Here goes nothing and everything.
“You were the last thing I thought about when I was dying”, Katsuki rushed out, almost all in one breath. One deep, tantalizing breath. One breath that could change everything for him. He wants to heal.
Eijirou’s head lifted up, as if hearing danger in the distance. Hands gripping the edge of the lookout. Red eyes honed in on Katsuki, mouth ajar.
“Huh?” Eijirou breathed.
“Yeah”, Katsuki swallowed, “It was you. I mean, I saw everything at once. There were so many memories, ones I thought I’d forgotten. Ones I’m not proud of. But then, while I was scared out of my mind, you were there”.
Katsuki glanced over at Kirishima. He looked…hurt? In pain? Sad? Disappointed?
Fucking hell. Keep going, idiot.
“Obviously I never intended to tell you. I’ve… I’ve been goin’ to therapy. It’s helping a lot, as much as I want to discredit it. And these panic attacks, these nights where I can’t even close my eyes… the more I address the root of the problem, the less I have these problems. I’ve been going over my, I guess, dying thoughts? What power they have over me and all. And I want you to know of the hope you gave me. You were there even when you weren’t. You calmed me. You were… just what I needed I guess?” Katsuki poured over each word, praying that each one came out of his mouth at an understandable rate. His heart was in his chest, his meal from about 30 minutes ago rising quickly in his stomach.
“When I look back at that day… that fight… I see you there. In my rear view. You were always there”, He felt like he couldn’t shut up. He needed this off of him. Off his shoulders. Off his chest. Off his heart.
“Bakugou…”, Eijirou put his hand on Katsuki’s forearm. His hand was warm and grounding.
“No, Kirishima. I know you want to feel bad for me. But don’t. This is what I need to do for my healing”, Katsuki looked back towards the ocean. It was turning a dark red. Not like blood, but like Eijirou’s hero costume. The sun was being devoured by the ocean. Katsuki understood how the sun felt. He was being devoured himself. By fear. By the unknown. By his own goddamn feelings.
“I loved you in high school”, Katsuki kept his eyes on the horizon, on the fading orange. He dared himself to look at Kirishima’s face. He dared and dared and dared and he fucking couldn’t. He couldn’t see the disgust and horror. He wouldn’t do that to himself. He’d just keep talking and then turn and bolt when this was over.
“I loved you and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I didn’t want to be rejected. I was on the road to being a pro… I didn’t want any crossfire. I called it protecting myself, and you. You deserve the best. You deserve the sun. You are the fucking sun”, Katsuki could feel heat rising in his blood. He wasn’t embarrassed. His body just wanted to reject the truth. Or maybe embrace it? Fuck. He didn’t know. He could feel tears forming behind his eyes, could feel the lump forming in the back of his throat.
Don’t cry now, idiot.
“Sometimes, I hold onto those memories I remember seeing… you know, while I was dying. I want them with me forever. Sometimes, I think that maybe in another universe, I would have told you. And maybe you would have felt the same. It helps me. It brings me peace. Sometimes, I think I still love you”, with that, Katsuki turned his head in Eijirou’s direction. He couldn’t decipher what he saw, but he could fucking try.
Eijirou looked broken. Tears were sliding down his beautiful cheeks. His eyes were sad. His lips were sad. He was trying to hold it together, Katsuki could tell by how tense his frame was. Shoulders pressed back and hands clenched at his side.
His therapist always told him to expect the unexpected when it came to the up’s & down’s of treating trauma. Even when you are up, a down can come quickly and sweep you off your feet. When you are down, a red-haired, shark-toothed man can wrap you in his arms and hold you so close that you, even though you’re one of the strongest pro heroes, feel fragile.
“Bakugou”, Eijirou whispered. He wrapped his arms around Katsuki’s waist, pulling him as close as he could. His right hand reaching around and holding the back of Katsuki’s head, pulling him even closer. His left hand sprawled across his friend’s back. That’s when the tears started. Katsuki’s body rocked with uncontrollable sobs, grabbing at anything he could reach on Eijirou’s body. His hands wrapped around his sweatshirt, burrowing himself into Eijirou’s body.
“Bakugou…”, Eijirou whispered gently. He didn’t want to startle the man. He just poured his heart out to him and the last thing he wanted to do was spook him. He hurts.
Katsuki wrapped himself tighter around Eijirou.
“I’m sorry, Kirishima. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t want you to hurt like I am. I didn’t want to put this on you all at once. I just… You are the only thing in my life that made me hold on”, Katsuki quietly sobbed into Eijirou’s shoulder, “While I was fucking dying, while Edgeshot had to piece my heart back together from the mess that it was, it was you. I wanted to let it go. I wanted to let you go. I came here to tell you that I don’t have these feeling anymore. To laugh about it. But I love you. I love you so much it hurts”.
Katsuki took a shuddering breath.
Breath in. Breath out.
“And I don’t expect you to feel anything in return. But I needed to let you know. It was… Not easy holding my feelings in”, Katsuki relaxed a bit more. He said it. He said what he needed to say. And fuck, it felt good.
Eijirou threaded his fingers through Katsuki’s ash blonde hair. It was soft, like clouds. He smiled to himself. He began to rock side-to-side, hoping to soothe Katsuki. On rescue missions, they were taught to add a small rocking motion with unsettled children. Although Bakugou wasn’t a child, he hoped it would ease him.
Katsuki relaxed a bit more, his hands loosening Eijirou’s sweatshirt. He took this to his advantage, gently pushing Katsuki back to look into his eyes. He could have sworn his heart shattered.
Katsuki’s eyes were tired. His mouth was pressed sternly, and uncomfortably. His eyebrows were furrowed. Eijirou skittishly glanced down at Katsuki’s lips, which were placed in the smallest pout, tears making them glisten in the red-light that the sunset has now provided. If he wasn’t in control of his body, he would have swiped his thumb across Katsuki’s bottom lip. Just to see as they were as soft as they look.
“Bakugou, I have loved you from the moment we worked together at the Sport’s Festival. I have loved you from the moment I reached out for your hand in the Kamino Ward. I have loved you from the moment we graduated until now”, Eijirou wrapped one hand around the side of Katsuki’s neck, rubbing his thumb alongside his jaw, “I was so, so scared when I heard what happened to you. So scared. I sat by your side everyday at the hospital while you healed. You are the strongest man that I know. You have been through so much. But you are safe now”.
Eijirou had tears flowing down his face, and Katsuki thought he never looked more beautiful.
“I love you. You hear me? I waited and waited. I didn’t want to overwhelm you, after everything you’ve been through. But damn it, I love you Katsuki”, Eijirou brought his lips up to Katsuki’s forehead, pressing lightly. He didn’t want this to be a sensual act. He just wanted to express his love the way he knew how.
Katsuki brought his hand up, pinching Eijirou’s cheek.
“And you waited this long to tell me? Bastard”, Katsuki smiled, bringing his hand to Eijirou’s shoulder, pressing his fingers there. Just to make sure this was real.
“I’m sorry”, Katsuki whispered, “I’m sorry that I caused you stress. It was unintended”.
Eijirou brought his other hand to Katsuki’s other cheek, cradling his face. He wanted to kiss him, but was that even appropriate at a time like this? He didn’t want to be too overbearing. Yeah, Katsuki definitely wouldn’t want a smooch right now.
That’s what Eijirou thought, until he felt Katsuki’s soft lips press against his own. He slotted them together perfectly. Eijirou gasped, giving Katsuki an opening to wrap his arms around his neck and swipe his tongue along his lower lip. He shuddered as Katsuki pulled away.
“I love you, Eijirou”, Katsuki whispered quietly. It was their own little secret. “Not even death can prevent me from loving you”.
Kirishima smiled.
“You’ve made my day, Katsuki”, Eijirou beamed down at him.
“You mean night?” Katsuki smirked, gesturing to the where the sunset was. Now it was dark, with the water a deep, black. The stars were bright. Eijirou decided that if he was the sun, Katsuki was his moon and stars.
“I mean my everything, Kats”, Eijirou softened his smile, pressing one more chaste kiss onto Katsuki’s forehead.
“Thank you”, Katsuki murmured, “for not giving up on me”. Katsuki felt complete. He felt like he was alive. Really alive. Not just existing.
Katsuki grabbed Eijirou’s hands from his face, keeping one held in his hand, “Let’s go home”.
“Okay”, Eijirou nodded brightly, wrapping his fingers around the hand in his palm.
They walked hand-in-hand down the dark pier, the moon guiding their path back to the streets.
Halfway back to Katsuki’s apartment (where they deemed they would pull a celebratory all-nighter and play video games, due to Katsuki’s healing journey), Eijirou bumped his hip into Katsuki’s, “Does this mean we’re boyfriends now?” He whispered in Katsuki’s ear.
“I’d fucking hope so, dumbass”, Katsuki smiled, brightly. The first real smile in… a while. Weeks? Months?
“I love you”.
“I love you too, shitty-hair”.
(No amount of love could diminish Katsuki’s nicknames, Eijirou decided)
Katsuki couldn’t wait to tell his therapist about this.