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Ramona Flowers lay in the bed of her roommate, Roxie Richter, as the two of them pressed their lips together. They had been dating for about three months now, almost a full semester. Ramona had initially been smitten with the idea of dating her roommate. Roxie was cute, a great conversationalist, and most importantly to Ramona, a lesbian. Ramona was newly single, having broken up with her third boyfriend Todd shortly before college. It was mostly mutual. Partially mutual.
Whatever the case, she was single. And after three separate breakups with three separate guys, she had started to think the problem was just that. Guys. So what do you do in a situation like this? Try dating a girl, of course. And Roxie came along at the perfect time. It was like the stars had aligned for Ramona, granting her a girl to experiment with. Because the problem couldn’t be anything but guys. That was the only common factor in all of Ramona’s past relationships. Unless… no. Ramona pushed those thoughts away.
Roxie’s voice broke her out of her thoughts. “Hey, Ramona… you okay? You’re kinda zoning out…”
Ramona blinked her eyes a few times. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Well, we can sleep if you want! I’m here for you. I wanna make you happy, Ramona!” Roxie smiled down at her, and Ramona’s heart twisted in her chest a bit.
To be honest, Ramona had been doubting herself a bit. Roxie had been fun for a few weeks, but after about two and a half months, Ramona had realized maybe she had been wrong about girls. She didn’t feel the same with Roxie as she had with Todd, or Lucas, or even Matthew. At first, she’d chalked it up to lesbian relationships being different than normal ones. But over time, she’d come to a realization. She just didn’t like girls like that. As much as Ramona wanted the problem to be with the men in her life, it just wasn’t. Sure, they weren’t great, but they also weren’t the root of the issue. And that scared her. Deeply.
Unfortunately, Roxie was still very much in love with her, and it didn’t look like that was going to change anytime soon. Ramona felt terrible about this. She did still like Roxie. She liked her a lot. She was an aspiring artist. She was fun to be around. She made great jokes and got along wonderfully with Ramona’s other friends. It was just unfortunate that Ramona had gotten herself into a situation where this poor girl had become obsessed with her.
Ramona wished sometimes that she was a lesbian. Then everything would be so much easier. Sure, she might have fewer friends. Sure, she might have to hide that part of herself for her whole life. But it would be so much easier on her than what she had right now. Because now, the only explanation was that she’s the problem. And that’s not something she could deal with.
Roxie pulled the covers over the two of them and flipped the lamp on her desk off. She sighed as she pressed herself against Ramona. “Good night. I love you, Ramona.”
Ramona’s heart shattered at that. She choked up a bit, and had to hold back a small sob. She hoped desperately Roxie didn’t feel the way her breath hitched in her throat. What could she say? She didn’t want to lie to Roxie. She liked her too much to do that to her.
“…You too, Roxie.”
She took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dark, then looked over to the other side of the room, where her bed was. It was neatly made, as it had been for the past week. She had wanted to start sleeping in it again, but she felt an obligation to Roxie. She knew she was going to have to break it off, but she wanted to give her all she could while they were together. She couldn’t let Roxie know she didn’t love her anymore. It just… didn’t sit right with her.
She loosely wrapped her arms around the other girl, and placed a halfhearted kiss on her forehead. The resulting sigh of happiness from Roxie stirred absolutely nothing in her, and that alone sent her further into despair.
She just had to make it to the end of the semester. Then she could move out, and forget all about this. Roxie would understand. She had to understand.
Ramona didn’t sleep well that night.