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“You need me to- What ?”
Scaramouche pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, “Look, I know it makes no sense, but-”
“No, let me repeat this so I can process it.” Sethos cleared his throat and repeated back, “You want me to be your boyfriend?”
“ Fake boyfriend,” Scaramouche emphasized. “Buer said something to the Scribe about us dating, and you can imagine my confusion when his boyfriend told me to pass on his well wishes for us to you.”
“Tell him I appreciate it.”
“Can you at least try to take this a bit seriously?” Scaramouche sighed.
Sethos pretended to think, “Actually, tell Kaveh that I congratulate him and Alhaitham on their engagement.”
“They’re engaged? How come they haven’t mentioned anything?”
“They’re keeping it on the down low,” Sethos shrugged.
“You followed them home again, didn’t you?” Scaramouche looked at him blankly.
Sethos smiled sheepishly, “Perhaps. What can I say? I saw Alhaitham leave the jewelers' one day, and Kaveh leave the next. I got curious! Really, a double proposal is so-”
“Sethos, focus on my proposal, will you?” Scaramouche crossed his arms.
“Proposal? I thought we were fake boyfriends. Isn't it a little too soon to be getting engaged?” Sethos mirrored his stance.
“You’re right,” Scaramouche decided to play along. “Maybe it is a bit soon. Let’s just be boyfriends then?”
Sethos grinned, “Perfect.”
“I’m sorry, you two are dating? ” Tighnari set his glass down a bit too hard and his ears twitched at the sound.
Sethos looked at Scaramouche so fondly that Scaramouche wanted to vomit. Sethos took his hand under the table, “It’s been almost two months now. We were keeping quiet about it,” he told Tighnari.
Cyno scoffed, “You were keeping quiet? You wouldn’t stop talking about him. ‘Cyno, you don’t get it, he’s the most gorgeous-’”
“Haha, what? Let’s not bring up the past!” Sethos interrupted with red ears.
Scaramouche smirked, “You think I’m gorgeous?”
“You knew?” Tighnari asked Cyno. “Am I the only one out of the loop?”
“He never actually told me they were dating,” Cyno shrugged. “He’s just been pining a lot harder recently.”
“Recently?” Scaramouche echoed. “Be honest, how long have you been in love with me?”
“In love? Haha, I wouldn’t say that-”
“He’s been talking about you for months, ” Cyno replied instead. “He was always asking ‘Cyno, do you know Hat Guy?’ or ‘Cyno, I want to be friends with Hat Guy,’ until he eventually became friends with you. Then it was always ‘Cyno, he’s so pretty.’ ‘Cyno, do you think he’d date me?’ ‘Cyno-’”
“Cyno!” Sethos cut him off with a smile through closed teeth, “That’s enough!”
Cyno looked at him with no evident emotion, “That’s what I was saying after all those conversations, but I never got my wish.”
Scaramouche was biting his lip to keep from laughing. “Okay, so you like me?”
“You wish,” Sethos squeezed his hand.
“Okay, ew,” Tighnari glared at them. “I thought Alhaitham and Kaveh were bad, but you two are just… weird.”
“You wound me,” they replied at the same time.
“See? Weird,” Tighnari shook his head. “Anyway, it’s great and all that you two are… Whatever you are, but that does nothing to solve the issue we have right now.”
“Issue?” Sethos repeated. “What issue?”
“Alhaitham and Kaveh are acting stranger than normal,” Cyno answered. “They continuously reject any invitation to go out, and I hardly ever see either of them outside anymore.”
“Anymore? Did you often see them together?” Scaramouche narrowed his eyes, “You follow them?”
“Irrelevant. My job requires me to follow people from a hidden distance sometimes, so it’s no surprise that I’d often see them. I’m not Sethos; I don’t follow them in my freetime.” Cyno took a sip from his drink after finishing.
“Sheepish and overly defensive,” Scaramouche stated, “You’re guilty. Either way, it’s none of my concern. To that logic, why would Alhaitham’s and Kaveh’s whereabouts be any of my concern? They don’t go outside as often? Well maybe they finally learned to keep their relationship private.”
Tighnari shook his head, “I get what you’re saying, but this is different from their normal weird stints. I don’t want to be nosy, but someone, ” he glanced sideways at Cyno, “Is desperate to get to the bottom of this.”
Cyno set his drink back down and pointed a finger from Sethos to Scaramouche, “You two being an item can actually help this whole thing. We’ll send each of you to one of them and have you ask them for relationship advice. Through doing this, asking questions of their own relationship will become relevant, and we may be able to learn new information. However, for this to work, you two will have to pretend to not be a couple. Can you do that?”
Ah. How hard is that to explain? The couple that was already pretending to be a couple now had to pretend to not be a couple. Okay, so that was just going back to their original state, but they also had to act like they were a couple because now two people believed they were a couple. Double act? Pretend dating squared? What.
“There’s an issue here,” Scaramouche pointed out. “Alhaitham and Kaveh already belie-” a hard squeeze to his hand, “Already know that we’re dating.”
“You told them before me?” Cyno glared at Sethos, immediately seeing a flaw.
“Lesser Lord Kusanali accidentally told Alhaitham!” Sethos gave him the excuse quickly, “We wanted to keep things quiet, but it turned out like this. Sorry!”
“Again, keeping things quiet about this topic is near impossible for you.” Cyno pressed further, “Are you two-”
“Can we get back to the main issue?” Tighnari cut him off.
“I’m beginning to think you’re more interested in this than you let on,” Scaramouche gave him a half smile.
“Irrelevant.” Tighnari cleared his throat and redirected the conversation, “So, they know you two are a couple. Say that Lesser Lord Kusanali gave the wrong label. Say that you two haven’t actually put a label on the relationship yet, much like Alhaitham in Kaveh in their student days, I’ve heard, and ask them about that.”
“Would they believe that the Dendro Archon, Archon of Wisdom, who knows everything, got something as trivial as this wrong?” Sethos asked.
“That’s exactly why she would,” Cyno pointed out, “Because it’s so trivial.”
“Fine,” Scaramouche sighed. “We’ll do it.”
“We will?” Sethos looked at him strangely. “Hang on, this is all because you’re invested in it too, isn’t it?”
The glare Scaramouche gave him was enough to shut him up.
“It’s you.”
“Hi,” Scaramouche stepped back from the door. “I have some questions for you.”
“Tighnari and Cyno sent you?” Alhaitham crossed his arms.
Scaramouche shrugged, “Maybe. I’m not only here for that, though. It’s about you and Kaveh, but also me and-”
“Sethos?” Alhaitham leaned against the doorframe. “Lesser Lord Kusanali told me you two are dating. Did you come here to tell me personally?”
“No.” Scaramouche blinked at him before continuing, “Sethos and I aren’t actually dating. I told her that we were because it was easier than explaining we have no label.”
Alhaitham raised a brow, “You expect me to believe the Archon of Wisdom gave me a false truth? Alright, let’s say I believe you. I’m assuming this won’t be a conversation that should be had in a doorway so come in,” he stepped aside.
Alhaitham sat down and gestured for Scaramouche to follow. “So, what would you like to ask?”
“Tighnari and Cyno told us that you and Kaveh also went through an ‘unlabeled’ period.” Scaramouche set his hat down beside him. “I guess I’m here to ask how to give it a label?”
“Kaveh is the one who asked me,” Alhaitham told him, “So if you’re looking for advice on how to ask Sethos out, you’d be better off going to him.”
“He asked you?” Scaramouche thought about it, “Why didn’t you ask him?"
“I knew he loved- I knew he returned my feelings,” Alhaitham replied. “However, I also knew that he needed to accept that fact before we could do anything about it. I let him come to me when he was ready.”
“You two were friends or… Whatever you were for a while, right? Didn’t putting a label on it change things?”
Alhaitham saw right through him and Scaramouche knew he did. “It didn’t change much other than how we-”
“Ugh, spare me the details,” Scaramouche wrinkled his nose.
Alhaitham looked amused, “Well, it’s a good thing I don’t want to tell you those details.”
“This is getting weird,” Scaramouche shifted uncomfortably.
“It’s important to remember that you need to be patient, but you also need to understand your own feelings,” Alhaitham told him. “He likes you, doesn’t he?”
“I believe so.”
“Then you need to figure out if you like him. If you don’t, there’s no use entertaining this.” Alhaitham shrugged, “If everything works out, you’ll get to where Kaveh and I are now.”
“Engagement?” Scaramouche sat forward.
Alhaitham didn’t seem surprised. “Exactly. Who else knows?”
“Just Sethos. He’s the one who told me, after all.” Scaramouche rolled his eyes, “Cyno and Tighnari are concerned about you and Kaveh. Sethos and I were sent to make sure everything was alright between you two.”
“Everything is fine, we’re just keeping quiet about the whole thing right now.” Seeing Scaramouche’s unimpressed look, Alhaitham went on, “You know how secretive Kaveh was about us even living together. It’s just taking a bit of time for him, and me, to get used to the whole thing. We have plans to tell the others soon.” He looked at Scaramouche with what was almost a smile, “You and Sethos should come.”
“You’re inviting us to your engagement party?” Scaramouche raised a brow.
“Only if you come as each other’s date.” Alhaitham gave him a push, “Ask him how he feels about the whole thing.”
They both knew this went beyond the engagement announcement. “Yeah,” Scaramouche picked up his hat, “Maybe I will.”
“Kaveh!”
“Sethos?” Caught off guard, Kaveh almost dropped the bag of fruits he was carrying.
“Careful,” Sethos helped him to carry it. “I have a few questions for you if you don’t mind?”
Kaveh looked him over, looking a little nervous. “This is about-”
“It’s about something I’d like to keep quiet,” Sethos interrupted. “We should sit down, yeah? I already saved a spot.”
“You-” Kaveh sighed, “Alright.”
“Great,” Sethos smiled and led him to one of the secluded areas around the city. “So, I heard you know a bit about Scaramouche and I?”
“Hm? Oh, yes,” Kaveh nodded. “Congratulations, by the way. I know you’ve liked him for a long time.”
Sethos ran a hand over his face, “I really need to tell Cyno to keep his mouth shut.”
“That’s what he says about you,” Kaveh laughed. “So, what did you want to ask?”
“It’s just… Look, we were talking to Cyno and Tighnari, and they told us that you and Alhaitham had a pretty long period in your relationship where it had no official label.” Sethos scratched at the back of his neck, “I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on how to put a label on it?”
Kaveh tilted his head curiously. “Alhaitham told me that Lesser Lord Kusanali herself told him you two were together, but you say you have no label?”
“It was easier to explain it that way,” Sethos made up an excuse. “Everyone in Sumeru City except for Scaramouche knows I like him, and since I’m always around him, it’s just easier to say we’re together.”
“Believe me, I’m sure that he knows you like him,” Kaveh told him. “It’s actually quite similar to Alhaitham and I, if you put it that way. He knew I liked him, but he waited for me to tell him. I think in your case, you should wait for him to come to you, though.”
Despite himself, Sethos was actually taking this advice even though he was supposed to be focused on what he was sent to do. Voice more earnest than he meant for it to be, he asked, “And… What if he doesn’t come to me?”
Kaveh thought on that, “Well, in that case, you’d have to move forward. But- I may be wrong- I think you two will be fine,” he smiled. “You just have to be patient, Sethos, but don’t let it drain you. If you can’t wait anymore, then say something to him. What you do from there depends on his answer.”
Sethos nodded, “I’ll keep that in mind then. Thank you, truely. Now, I have to congratulate you on your engagement.”
Kaveh smiled warmly, “Thank you! We- Wait, what!?”
Sethos laughed, “You should see your face! No, but really; congrats.”
“Keep it down!” Kaveh whispered. “How do you even know about that?”
“A magician never tells his secrets,” Sethos shrugged.
“You’re not a magician.”
“Same difference. Anyway, Cyno and Tighnari are worried about you two, so you should tell them the truth soon, yeah?” Sethos smiled brightly at him.
Kaveh tangled his fingers in his hair and released it again. “We plan to tell them soon.”
“Good,” Sethos nodded. “And don’t worry; no one else knows. Well, Scaramouche knows, but that’s it! I promise!”
“Please don’t tell anyone else,” Kaveh asked as Sethos stood to leave.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he reassured him. “Well, my work here is done. See you!”
“...Bye?”
Cyno arranged for a “debrief” and Lambad’s, where they had their first meeting. He sat forward, “So, what’s the deal?”
Sethos and Scaramouche exchanged a glance. “We… Can’t tell you exactly what their reasons are, but they’re both okay,” Sethos explained.
Tighnari visibly relaxed. “That’s fine, then.”
Cyno was still skeptical, “You can’t tell us?”
“Are you interested in betraying your friends’ trust?” Scaramouche asked in turn.
Sethos bit his lip to keep from laughing. “Cyno, don’t worry. They said they plan on telling you guys soon, okay? You could have told him that,” he nudged Scaramouche.
Scaramouche held his gaze longer than he normally would have. “Why would I do that?” He asked after much too long of a pause.
“Withholding information,” Cyno replied simply. He flinched and turned to look at Tighnari, “Ow? Why did you kick me- Ow.”
Tighnari forced a smile onto his face, “I think that’s all we needed to know. Thank you both for doing this. You two obviously need to… Talk something over between yourselves, so we’ll let you do that.”
Scaramouche stood without another word, dragging Sethos up with him. He nodded at them and pulled Sethos out of the tavern.
“What’s the rush?” Sethos asked him. “Are you-”
“You like me,” Scaramouche stated.
“I-” Sethos tilted his head, “I do. What about it?”
“You like me.”
“You’ve already said that,” Sethos smiled in uncertainty. “What’s wrong?”
“I- We-” Scaramouche seemed frustrated with himself.
Sethos caught on to what this was about. “We?” He softened his voice.
“We’re pretending to be in a relationship,” he listed facts, “And we just pretended we weren’t in a relationship while pretending to be one.”
“Yes.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Pretend dating squared,” Sethos joked.
“What? What does that even-” Scaramouche groaned as he made the connection. “You need to stop talking to Cyno.”
“You think his jokes are funny,” Sethos pointed out.
“Funnier than whatever ‘pretend dating squared’ is,” Scaramouche shook his head. “Whatever. What I mean is that… I cannot believe I’m putting it this pathetically,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let’s square root pretend dating squared.”
Sethos blinked at him cluelessly before a smile bloomed on his face in understanding. “The square root of pretend dating squared would be pretend dating,” he teased.
“You-” Scaramouche ran the “calculations” in his head. “Give or take. If the ‘pretend’ in question is treated as a negative, then the opposite, the positive, would be ‘real.’ The square root could potentially be real dating.” He thought about it a bit more. “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever said.”
“I think you’re trying to tell me you want us to date for real,” Sethos suggested.
“And if I am?”
Sethos grinned, “Then math is now my favourite subject. Let’s square root it.”
“Shut up.” Scaramouche warned, “We never speak of this again, got it?”
“Hm, I don’t know…” Sethos walked a bit ahead. He turned to walk backwards, facing Scaramouche. “I think I’ll have to tell the others.”
“You-!” Scaramouche chased after him as he started running. “Sethos, get back here!”
“Catch me then, Lotus!”