Archive of Our Own

Hanbin hates himself. He hates the person he sees in the mirror, the actions he does and the words he says. Well, not really. He hates the person he has become, the man who life went harsh on, leaving little to no mercy. He wishes he could go back when everything was easier, when the only stress he felt was when he received his grades, wondering if his parents were proud or not, even though he was a really smart kid whose parents always felt proud of. 

He tried to change, but it was just so hard. The voices in his head were so loud, telling him how worthless and bad he is. The pain in his body was aching harder as the days passed and he didn’t know what more he could do to stop it. But he didn’t give up, he knew he couldn’t, for the sake of his family and friends. And, despite his efforts, there were some things he couldn’t change.

Looking ahead of him, he saw his friends, playing in the freshwater of the ocean, the sun setting behind them. He crossed his arms around his knees and sighed. He came here for the sake of his best friend’s, Gyuvin, birthday trip. It was a surprise organized by his boyfriend Ricky, a nice idea on the paper, Gyuvin was so happy to see all of his friends gathered in the villa Ricky rented. But, even if it was only the first day, Hanbin’s demons came up, again .

He tried to ignore them during the day, playing cards with Jiwoong and Taerae on the table by the pool, eating slices of pizza, receiving a warm and kind look from Matthew. But then, he found himself isolating, talking less and less until all the talking was done in his head and biting his nails.

A bad habit he was doing again at this exact moment. When he realized, he put his hand down on the somewhat still warm sand.

Hanbin was glad they were having fun, especially Gyuvin, smiling brighter than ever as he went to plant a messy kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead after throwing him into the water. Though, he still felt upset. He felt like he was ruining it all. Like they would all be happier if he didn’t come.

He was about to put his nail in his mouth again when he felt a presence beside him.

A boy he recognized being Ricky’s friend sat beside him after asking if it was okay.

“Are you cold ?” The guy asks softly. Hanbin can hear the accent in his voice, it’s cute, he thinks.

“What ?” 

“I was, that’s why I got out of the water.” He wraps a towel around his waist. Hanbin notices how thin his waist is as he does so. He then nods, returning his gaze towards his face. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Your name's Hanbin, right ?” 

“Yeah.” He kinda hates himself for his lack of response but, if you ask him, Hanbin hates himself for a lot of reasons.

“I’m Hao, Ricky’s cousin.” 

He nods again, “Nice to meet you, Hao-ssi.”

“Just Hao, please. I’m sure we will get along well during this trip, plus, I think we’re about the same age.” He smiles at him.

“I’m not sure if you'd like to waste your time for someone like me” , he thinks, “I’m a 01 liner, turned 23 earlier this year.” Is what he settles on as an answer, choosing to ignore that one part of Hao’s sentence. 

“So I’m older, I’m a 00 liner” He says with a sly smile before adding, “Guess you’ll soon call me hyung, Hanbin-ssi.” He puts his head on his knees after enclosing his arms around them, still smiling.

“We will see about that, Hao-ssi.” He retorts with the same tone.

Hao doesn’t say anything after that. So Hanbin goes back to watching his friends play in the water. They are now fighting, one person on another one’s shoulder, trying to make the others fall.

He watches them, He watches Ricky getting on top of Jiwoong while Gunwook helps Gyuvin get on his back. When he thinks the couple are gonna attack each other they all smile viciously before turning to attack Taerae who’s on Matthew’s shoulders. He hears his friend scream “It’s not fair ! You’re attacking the smallest ones ! It’s not fair !” before falling in the water, making him laugh softly. He sees Yujin, who proclaimed himself as referee, lifting his arms in the air, disqualifying them before getting his face splashed with salted water by Matthew.

After some time, he hears the sound of a lighter and turns back to see Hao lighting a cigarette in his mouth. He stops and gets it out of his mouth. 

“D’you smoke ?” Hanbin shakes his head. He did try, he still lights one from time to time when his anxiety gets unbearable and his thoughts just can’t stop running free in his mind.

“I can go somewhere else if me smoking beside you is a bother.” 

“No. No, it’s okay, you can stay. I don’t mind.” 

“You sure ?” 

“Yeah.” He caught himself looking really intently at the stick, probably the reason Hao asked a second time if it was okay for him to stay.

Then Hao lights it, the fire creates a light around his face that Hanbin studies. He hasn't looked at him yet, the darkness of the sky didn’t help, but Hao is handsome. Really handsome. He has a small face, long blonde bangs that get in his shiny eyes, soft nose, plump lips that lingers open when he puts the cigarette aside to smoke out. When their eyes meet, Hao’s raise, almost closing entirely as he giggles. Hanbin’s open wide as he was caught staring. 

Hao takes another puff, his eyes not leaving Hanbin’s.

“Looks like you’re not cold anymore.” 

“Huh ?” Hao chuckles and points his index to his cheekbone. Hanbin imitates him and feels his own cheek burning under his fingers. He must be bright red and this thought makes him blush some more if it’s even possible.

“You’re cute.” He says simply before getting up, telling the other he’ll throw his burnt out cigarette in the trash.

Hanbin turns his attention away from Hao’s back when he’s too far away to be clearly seen. He looks towards the water, his friends got out a few minutes ago. Some are drying themselves, others drinking still water after all the salty water they must have ingurgitated and then there’s Gyuvin and Gunwook, chasing each other around. Even with the lack of light, Hanbin can make up their big frames in the distance.

Then he sees Taerae getting something in his bag before looking in his direction. Soon after, his phone vibrates in his pocket. 

taerae : everything good out there?

me : yup, dw

He looks up from his phone and meets his friend’s eyes, their faces are illuminated by their phone screen.

taerae : okay, we decided to continue this night in the villa’s pool, s’too cold here, u down?

me : dunno, i’ll follow u but im getting tired

taerae : np :)

Hanbin stares at the stars for a second before typing a text again.

me : i’ll join u in a few, go without me for now

He is left on read but when he looks up at Taerae, his friend sends him a thumbs up. The group leave soon after and Hanbin relaxes in the now cold sand, getting on his back and closing his eyes.

When he opens them, he is greeted by a beautiful clear sky, full of shining stars. He stares, he thinks. He thinks of how different his life would have been if this didn’t happen the way it happened. He wanders, lost in thoughts. Suddenly, he feels a tear rolling down his cheek. It gets in his ear with his lying position, it’s uncomfortable but he can’t seem to care enough to do something about it. Then he feels it again. 

“Hey. Mind if I join for a second time tonight ?” Hao is there. With how long he took Hanbin thought he met the group on his way and went with them.

“You’re not with the guys ?” 

Taking this like a permission to join, Hao gets on his back beside Hanbin.

“Do I look like I’m with them right now ?” He jokes, turning his head to look at him.

Hanbin keeps his eyes towards the stars. “You got a point.”

“So, why are you here ?” 

“Is it weird to say I like your company ?”

Usually, when people answer his questions with another question, Hanbin gets pretty quickly annoyed. Except here, he doesn’t mind, he kind of likes to talk like this with Hao.

“Yeah”

“Because we just met ?” 

“Kind of.” He looks at him and grins. He barely sees him with how dark it got.

“I’m sure you’ll grow to like my company soon enough.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure, I’m not an easy guy.” And I'm not a good guy, you’ll realize soon enough that you are better off without me. He doesn’t say the second part though, because he doesn’t want to scare him, but it’s the plain, hard truth. 

“Playing hard to get, I see.”

Neither of them adds anything after that. Hanbin listens to the sound of the waves and the wind that brings shivers down his exposed legs. He glances at Hao who’s also looking towards the sea.

“How long have you been in Korea ?” The question leaves Hanbin’s lips before he can even process it. It draws Hao’s attention towards him again and he flashes a gentle smile.

“Not so long.” He says before pausing, he turns his head before continuing, “I used to come here almost every year, my grandma is korean. When Ricky moved to live in Seoul, it felt natural for me to follow him. He was here alone while I was left alone in China. Furthermore, he didn’t come as much as I did and knew little about the country.”

“You two must be very close.”

“We are. He’s like a brother to me.” At these words, Hanbin remembers when Ricky told him the same thing about his cousin being a brother. He said their bond was really tight as Ricky only has a sister who’s older and went to live abroad and Hao’s an only child.

“How come we only met now ?” He thinks aloud. They had plenty of occasions to see one another, it’s been almost three years since Ricky came to Korea.

“It may be because I usually don’t go out of my room, my double degree takes a lot of my time. This week is an exception, I came because I really appreciate Gyuvin. And because Ricky almost dragged me out of my bed, but don’t tell him I said that.” They both laugh and Hanbin finds himself thinking that for the first time, it’s easy to talk to someone. Somehow, his smile grows wider after he realizes this. They shift closer as they laugh and Hanbin can feel the heat emanating from Hao’s body.

“Wait, so you take a double degree ?” His eyes widen a bit when he realizes this. No wonder he’s been busy, a double degree is really tough. Even with a plain degree Hanbin finds himself struggling a lot. It’s impressive.

“Yep, a music and education degree. I want to become a music teacher.” He answers simply. His eyes are sparkling through the darkness of the night, showing his love and determination to achieve his dream.

“That is so cool.” He gets lost in the other eyes but quickly shakes his head out of it. “But also funny, I also take an education degree to become a teacher.”

“Really ? What do you want to teach ?”

“If I can, kids in kindergarten.” 

“We should definitely hang out after coming back from this vacation. We have so much in common that I feel like we could talk like this for hours on end.” Hao says and Hanbin feels his chest tighten as he nods.

“We should. We really should.” He retorts.

They stare at the pretty sight above them until Hanbin feels Hao shiver against his arm. He was so lost in thoughts he didn’t catch how cold it got. Despite having a sweat on, he’s in shorts. Now that he thinks of it, the fresh air catches his legs and he also shivers.

“Do you want to go back ?” Hao nods and they go back to the house in silence to not wake any neighbors, they still send smiles to each other, almost communicating this way. Nobody’s on the terrace, they all went to sleep. When Hanbin looks at his phone, he sees it’s almost three in the morning, probably why.

They part ways in front of Hanbin’s door, “See you.” he says, to which Hao answers with a “good night.”

_

Hanbin adjusts the cap on his forehead. The sun is shining bright in the sky and he’s getting hot as he has been sitting on this bench for a good ten minutes.

The day had started greatly for him, he woke up hearing his friends singing and joined them for an improvised karaoke in the living room. He sang NCT’s songs along with Yujin who mastered the Kick it choreo, danced with Taerae when he sang G-(idle)’s Super Lady and cheered when Ricky sang All by myself by Celine Dion.

Time passed and he had fun. He exchanged glances and smiles with Hao, even had a small talk with the boy about their music tastes which ended in them singing Supernova by aespa, their friends cheering loudly behind them.

But then, reality hit him as they were setting the table on the terrace to eat. Hanbin felt his arm go numb. He cursed under his breath, trying not to be suspicious to not alert his friends as he held his arm. When he woke up, he directly went to sing and dance and didn’t think of taking his medication. The ache was bearable for now but Hanbin knew he needed to take his pill.

They were sitting around the table while Gyuvin and Jiwoong were at the barbecue. He had to go back to his room. He turned his head around one more time to look at the door.

“I’ll use the toilets, I’ll be back.” He says in a quick breath before rushing inside, putting his injured hand in his pocket.

Once he was inside, he didn’t stop and rushed to his room. Tears started to gather in his eyes as the pain in his arm grew. He also felt bad for his friends but he was too ashamed of this part of himself to tell them about it. He knows he should and that he eventually will, but not now. Not when they’re so happy and peaceful here. The thing is, he has known them for a few years now and always pushed away the moment he wanted to tell them, he told himself that the next time, he definitely would but find himself not doing it in the end.

He wipes his tears with his valid hand and starts rummaging in his bag to find the pills. He then grabs a bottle of water and proceeds to ingurgitate the pill. 

“You okay ?” Hanbin jumps at the voice before turning around. Standing against his door with worried eyes is Hao.

“Yeah, sorry I worried you guys. Just felt a little sick in the stomach so I took a pill.” Lying to his friends has to be the worst feeling he could feel, especially to Hao, a friend he just met and already feels so close with.. Just as he was thinking this, his arm twitched, making him wince in pain as he was standing up. 

Hao came to him, “It must really hurt. Do you want to lie down ?” 

“No, no it’s okay.” He let go of him when Hanbin started walking towards the door, “Let’s go, they’re waiting for us.” He didn’t spare him a glance as he speaked.

During lunch, Hanbin felt his injured arm get better but it was still too sore for him to eat with this hand. Across from him was sitting Hao, stealing glances at him from time to time. He tried to reassure him by smiling, it did ease the frown between Hao’s brows but only for a moment.

Later that day, Hao came to him and asked if they could go on a walk together. 

So here they were, walking side by side, the sound of the waves heard from afar and the burning sun keeping their pace low.

“How’s your arm ?” Hao asks suddenly, making Hanbin stop in his tracks.

Since they left, they have been talking about anything but avoided talking about what happened earlier. Hanbin was thankful for that, but he knew Hao would talk about it at some point. He didn’t know he would mention his arm and not his stomach.

“What ?” 

Hao had stopped too. He stood in front of him, his gaze serious and soft at the same time. Hanbin knew he was worried about him. But why ? They met yesterday. Before that, he only heard of him when Ricky was telling stories and his cousin happened to be a part of it. He felt his anxiety rise as too many questions were passing through his mind.

“Hey, it’s okay Hanbin, there is nothing to fear.” He says in a gentle tone, not moving from his standing position.

“How do you know ?” Did he tell anyone about that ? He feels his chest rising harder and instinctively takes his nail in his mouth.

“I don’t. Well, not really. I noticed something was off about your arm but I wasn’t sure.” 

“I…”  The sun pierce through his skin, it’s like all its light is pointing right at him either to make him the center of the attention or to burn him to death, it’s probably both. His body is burning up from the heat and the stress he feels, it quickens his breathing and trouble all his senses. He can barely see Hao’s frame in front of him because of how blurry his vision got, he has trouble hearing what Hao is trying to tell him. His hands are shaking as well as his whole body, like he was freezing to death instead of heating up. “I don’t feel good.” 

This is how he ended up on this bench after Hao nearly panicked, looked around and saw the bench. He told him to sit on it and wait for him as he went to get him a drink.

Hao made sure he was okay before going, he had to assure him that he already felt before just from sitting and that he didn’t need water but Hao played deaf and went anyway.

“Here, I got you a fresh one.” He takes a seat beside him on the wooden bench.

Hanbin thanks him before taking a long sip. He then hands it towards Hao, “If you’re not uncomfortable drinking after me. You must be hot after rushing to get it.”

“I agree, I’m hot.” He says before drinking. Hanbin lets out a chuckle.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I know we just met.” Hao meets his eyes and Hanbin hopes he can see how thankful he is.

“Thank you.” He then says in a whisper.

“I just want to tell you something and I hope you won't find this rude of me to assume that.” His tone is serious as he says this. Hanbin tells him to go ahead. “From what I’ve seen, you haven’t told your friends about your condition.” Hanbin nods. “ But I’m sure you know that they won’t judge you. It’s not easy, I can imagine, but please if you do feel ashamed of yourself, think of them, think of how kind they are with each other and even people they don’t know. I’m sure you know they won’t judge and that there is something else, something more stopping you but mark my words, please.” 

When he finishes, Hanbin is teary eyed. “Can I hug you ?” 

“Under this burning sun ? Yeah, of course you can.” He jokes, but then leans forward to initiate the touch, letting Hanbin finish. Their bodies press against one another and usually, Hanbin would have felt oppressed to be in this situation but right now he just feels so safe. His cheek lays on Hao’s shoulder, he closes his eyes while Hao hugs him tighter. He doesn’t know how long they stay in this position but enough for Hanbin to notice that the other is waiting for him to break the embrace and not the other way around.

He breaks the hug and looks into his eyes. He really is when he thanks Hao.

“It’s no problem, I’m glad I could help, even if it’s so little.” 

_

Walking here, Hanbin feels a bit astray. Not sure on his feet, he’s careful not to trip or unintentionally hurt the strangers who walk past him in the alleys. Even though they seem quite large to fit a lot of people, it’s still uncomfortable and triggering to walk there.

Around him, people are smiling, laughing, and having a great time at the funfair. He takes a french fry from the container he’s holding, one of the few they bought earlier from the booth of a kind lady who smiled at them gently. 

The group is heading towards nothing in particular, enjoying the scenery before them, bringing the nostalgia of their younger selves, going to attraction parks and funfairs with their parents.

Hanbin remembers well the first time he went to a funfair with his family. He was seven and his little sister was only three. It was the first time they went out like this since her birth so he was really excited and looking forward to this day. He got to try multiple attractions with his parents who took turns to watch their kids and go to attractions that fitted each of them. Hanbin remembers vividly when he rode the pirate ship with his dad, he laughed and enjoyed it so much he asked for a second round.

Nostalgia really hit him at the thought of this memory. Beside him, Taerae leans in to take a fry. He eats it as Hanbin turns his way, “Can we ride the pirate ship ?”

“Right now ?” He is still munching as he says this. “But yeah, sure.”

“Probably not now, but I really want to go before we leave.” Taerae smiles, the way his friend’s eyes sparkle make him look endearing.

“Let’s do that then.” He says before taking a fistful of fries and taking a look around.

The place is full of lights enlightening it with rainbow colors. People around him are wearing accessories they bought here, like Gyuvin who’s putting a headband on Yujin’s hair. Hanbin watches from behind as Ricky snaps out his phone to take pictures of the two, Yujin is trying to take off the headband but can’t as he’s laughing too much from the faces their friends make behind Ricky. It’s also difficult not to laugh when Gyuvin is holding him from behind, making the faces of a proud dad going out with their kid.

The funfair is perfect for them to go back to childhood without being looked down on by others. They queue and get on the smallest and less frightening attractions and then proceed to scream their lungs out along with the actual children on the ride. Hanbin feels great, seated beside Gunwook, going along with them and screaming while lifting his arms. Though it doesn’t take him long before bursting out laughing, making Gunwook laugh as well. 

It is only when night is falling, two hours after their arrival, that the group decide to leave behind kid’s attractions to get to the real deal of the rollercoasters.

They walk through the alleys, Hanbin is beside Hao. The Chinese man wanted to get cotton candy so Hanbin volunteered to accompany him. They told the others to go without them and that they will catch up with them later.

More people arrived after the sun finished setting. Hanbin walked slightly in front of Hao, making space for him to move forward while eating his candy. The night was warm so it would be better if Hao ate it in one go instead of waiting, the sugar would start to melt then.

At one particular corner, the number of people increased gradually. Like an instinct, Hao grabbed the hem of Hanbin’s sweatshirt. The sudden pull made him look back and his eyes softened seeing Hao, his cotton candy almost finished, candid eyes looking at him. Right now, he looks younger than Hanbin. Not wasting any more time -because even if Hanbin would’ve liked to stare a little longer at Hao’s pretty face, they still needed to get to the tower Matthew mentioned they would go to after the first rollercoaster- he took Hao’s hand in his and began walking again, not looking behind to hide the soft smile that made his way on his face. He didn’t get to see Hao’s smile either, nor his cheeks which turned a darker shade of red.

They arrived in time, their friends at the end of the queue. Hanbin felt a little bad passing beside other people waiting, he bowed and smiled sympathetically at them. His hand was still interlaced with Hao’s, the other boy also bowing as a sign of apology.

After a few more minutes of waiting, they could -finally, as Yujin said- get on the tower. Hanbin sat between Jiwoong and Hao who both looked quite pale.

“You guys alright ?” He asks to check up on them. 

Jiwoong nodded while closing his eyes, “Absolutely, I’m so not scared.”

On the other side, Hao slid his hand into Hanbin's. They met eyes and he could see the uneasy feeling in Hao’s and so he squeezed his hand a little before sending him a hopefully reassuring smile.

“Hold onto me if you’re too scared.” He says as they start moving up, Hao nods before closing his eyes.

“What about your other friend who’s also scared ?” Jiwoong says, gripping as hard as he can on the metallic bar holding him. 

Hanbin hands out his other hand, “I have two hands.” But before Jiwoong could take his offered hand, Hao left the first one, took the one Hanbin was heading towards Jiwoong and then gripped the other as well. Hanbin laughed and sent an apologetic look at his friend before looking down to his hands which were on the bar with Hao’s on top. 

They stopped at the top of the tower and Hanbin quickly interlaced their fingers, his other hand landing on Hao’s stomach to keep him from moving, hoping it would ease his fright. And, not even seconds later they were going down at what felt like the speed of light, Hao’s hand tightening around his and the other going on top of his stomach as he screamed.

The fall went to a halt. “Is it over ?” Asked Hao, his eyes still closed.

Hanbin smoothed his hand with his thumb as he answered, “Not yet.” Then not a second later, the fall resumed and Hao screamed along Jiwoong and what Hanbin recognized was Gunwook’s voice.

“Never doing this ride again.” Gunwook whines as he sits down on a bench alongside Jiwoong and Matthew who soothes both of their backs.

“Man, I've never heard you scream like that. It was sooo funny.” Hanbin looks back to see Gyuvin and Ricky, the latter’s hand around Gyuvin’s waist.

“You’re one to talk after the way you yelled when we went down.” 

Gyuvin look at his boyfriend with betrayal in his eyes, “That’s not what you’re supposed to say babe !” 

Hanbin puts his hand in front of his mouth to prevent himself from laughing out loud. “It’s my birthday, you’re supposed to side with me !” 

“You can’t lie and say you didn’t scream like a girl hyung.” Yujin joins the conversation before taking a sip from the drink Taerae bought him. “You weren’t the worst though, I never thought Jiwoong hyung was the type to scream this loud.”

Proud to not be the most frightened in the group, Gyuvin lifts up his chin and grins at his boyfriend who rolls his eyes.

Hanbin watches his friends with amusement in his eyes. Suddenly, he feels a tug on his hand. Looking around, he finds Hao’s gaze before he mouths a “Let’s go”.

And just like that, they leave, hand in hand, the sly grin on Taerae’s face is the last thing Hanbin sees before he turns around to look in front of him. He looks at Hao, how his hair shines with the lights, how he can see his cheeks lift up in a smile even from behind.

They walk together for a long time, eating some snacks on the way and doing some attractions.

The night is great and warm. A few stars shine in the sky, looking at the moon who’s almost full and shining so brightly. He brings back his eyes on the earth, his hand is still in Hao’s. The chinese hand is quite cold but Hanbin can’t seem to mind it. At one point, when they hit a stop because Hao is craving a soda, he brings their interlaced hands in front of his lips. Hao’s blush is evident in the night, his eyes wider than usual as he waits for Hanbin to do something. And so he does. He brings their hands closer and lets a warm breath fall onto Hao’s hand. He’s so close he almost lets his lips fall on the skin.

When it’s their turn to order, he has no other choice but to let go, smiling to the boy who’s still flustered as he orders. They resume their walk and Hao’s hand immediately seeks Hanbin’s. But he can’t help but wonder why. Why is Hao so kind to him, why does it feel so great to be with him and why does it feel so right to have his hand in his.

Hao ends his training thoughts when he says, “I’ve never been to this side of Korea before, it’s really great.” 

“Yeah ?” Hao’s eyes sparkles and Hanbin wishes to see him be this happy forever. “I’ve actually come once in this city, but it was on the other side so it’s my first time seeing this too.” 

“I’m glad then.” He rocks their hands back and forth, a giddy attitude Hanbin likes to see.

“Why’s that ?” He curiously asks. 

“I get to be with you on one of your first time experiences.” He answers simply as if he just didn’t make something explode inside Hanbin’s chest. 

He is about to add something when something, someone, catches his attention. His body freezes in place, making them stop in their tracks. “Bin ? You okay ?” 

Even if he wants to answer, the air gets blocked in his lungs before he can utter a word. It’s like the world stopped spinning when he saw him again, not in a good way but rather a terrible way. Across all the people having fun, oblivious to Hanbin’s conflict, is the guy he hoped to never see again, the very man that had him in pain, begging as tears fell down his face.

Their eyes meet and the other guy’s gaze darkens before a smirk takes place on his face. Hao is still trying to get his attention and answers but he feels like his presence paralyzed him. Then, Hao steps in front of him, blocking the sight of Park Chaeun as he focuses his gaze on him. Hao cups his face in his hand, he looks worried and Hanbin feels sorry for making him feel like this. “Do you want to go ?” He says softly. 

His voice is so gentle it has Hanbin tripping over the edge as the tears he tried to keep from falling make their way out of his eyes. He nods weakly as he hiccups from his cries. Hao puts his arm around his shoulder and guides him out of the crowd.

They get out of the funfair and he has Hanbin sitting on a nearby bench, again, as he calls Taerae to inform him that they left first. Hanbin hears Taerae telling them to be safe, “We will.” Hao answers before hanging up and coming a bit closer to Hanbin, not too close considering the other still has trouble breathing.

So he waits. Hao respects his boundaries while staying close enough to show him that he’s here for him and that he won’t go anywhere. 

Thankful for that, Hanbin tries to stabilize his breathing. Unfortunately the memories keep resurging, making it harder. Warm tears run down his cheeks at one painful memory and Hao surges to search tissues in his bag. He hands them to Hanbin who takes them and proceeds to wipe his face.

_

Drops of water fall from his face and down to the ground, where his eyes are fixated. He doesn’t want to look up. He can’t. Otherwise the sight he will be met with will hurt him even more.

Everything around sounds blurry, the laughing of some students, the voices of others and even his own breathing.

His head aches, his whole body aches. God damn, his heart hurts so bad.

Hanbin feels pathetic. Here, not moving from his half lying position in the middle of the school, he feels completely pathetic and he blames himself for it.

_

“Hey ! Sung Hanbin !” The boy turns around after hearing his name. A bunch of guys are looking down on him and he tries to ignore them to focus on the guy who called him, even if all he wants right now is to go lock himself up in a bathroom stall to eat the lunch her mom prepared for him in peace. But seeing the face of Park Chaeun, he regrets it.

“What do you want ?” He lets out in a small voice he hopes wasn’t too shaky.

“Me ? Oh, nothing my sweet Hanbin, I just want to spend time with you, can’t I ?” He wraps his arm around Hanbin’s shoulder who tenses up at the touch. He keeps his gaze located on the ground, knowing what will happen if he makes eye contact with one of them. Why can’t they leave him alone if they despise him so much ? “What do we have here ?” Chaeun takes away the backpack Hanbin was holding in his hand before throwing it at his friends.

He tries a move forward to catch it from their hands but Chaeun is quicker and grabs him by the collar of his uniform. “What are you doing ? Don’t you want to share what’s in there with your friend ?” Hanbin feels a bile coming up his throat as well as his hands start shaking harder. They keep tossing his bag among each other, taking his stuff and throwing it either on the ground or in the trash, some of them end up in student’s hands that were passing by. Tears gather in Hanbin’s eyes and he tries his best to not let them fall. He can’t let them see that. He can’t let them know and think they won, even when it’s been weeks, hell, months, since they’ve won.

“My dear Hanbin,” He wants to throw up at the nickname. “I think your boyfriend wants to see you, he just texted me to join him outside.” Hanbin shakes his head but Chaeun forces him to go, one hand still on his collar and the other on the low of his back.

After being thrown at Wooseok’s feet, Hanbin tries to stand up but a kick on his back has him gasping and falling on the ground. His hands kept his face from falling flat on the hard ground but unfortunately they couldn't keep him from the sight of Jung Wooseok getting down, resting his forearms on his knees as he stared at Hanbin.

“Hi, Hanbin-ah.” A sweet smile along with a honey-like voice is what ruined Hanbin’s life, hearing it again made him want to throw up on Wooseok’s expensive shoes. He glared up at him, holding eye contact until Wooseok looked around for his friends. A crowd had formed around them and Hanbin felt so small. When Wooseok finally found one of them, he nodded his head, a gesture Hanbin didn’t get the meaning of. He tried to get on his feet one more time, the feeling rising in his chest telling him that something is going to happen to him. But, pushing his arms up he fell almost immediately, eyes blown wide when he realized what was happening.

No no no. Not now. He tried again, pushed harder but all strength seemed to have disappeared from his arm. That damned arm was the one preventing him from escaping. A sore, dull ache arises in his forearm. His face scrunched, his eyes closing firmly, hoping it would dissipe the pain if he didn’t look at his hurting member.

It was no use. The pain intensified with the second. Gradually, pumping from different sides of the entirety of his arm. It grew numb, a recurring symptom he felt when it happened. There was one thing he couldn’t understand. Why now ? He took his medicine in the morning that day, that’s for certain. And why was that Jung Wooseok laughing at him ? If his arm was still in condition, he would’ve stood up and slapped him before cursing at him. But no can do, not when the person who is causing all of his pain is also the one laughing at him and causing him more pain right now.

Looking around, Wooseok gave another nod at someone but Hanbin why so blind by his own pain, his sorrow mixing with an anger no words could describe he didn’t pay attention to the boy’s actions. So curled up in his thoughts, he couldn’t see the phones pointed in his direction, nor could he see the grinning expression of their faces.

All he could think about was how Wooseok and Chaeun have ruined his life. The one thing he couldn’t get out of his head was that they weren’t even aware of that. Well, they sure are but they don't know it all. Hanbin is the only one who knows what they did and it's eating him alive.

He is teared out of his thoughts when buckets of ice cold water are poured over his frame. Wooseok had distanced himself with a sly grin as Hanbin’s eyes grew wide from the shock. He got on his feet after a bucket but as two others were poured on his head curled up, putting his shaky hands to cover as much as he could, which wasn’t a lot. His tears fell down along the water, dropping on the soaked ground after leaving his shivering, drenched frame.

He looked up and caught the look in Chaeun’s glance. It was unreadable. But, at the time, Hanbin fairly thought it was a look of pure hatred. Videos and photos of him getting humiliated were taken and all over the internet not even hours after it all happened.

Hanbin got sick, it was bound to happen after all the buckets were thrown on him on this cold day of february. When he got home that day, his parents were waiting for him, ready to scold him as he ditched all his afternoon’s classes. As soon as he saw their gazes, all his barriers broke down as well as himself, letting tears after tears fall down his face. He sobbed in his mother’s arms while they both tried to comfort him, soon joined by his sister who gently wiped his tears. “It will all be okay.” Said his mother in the shell of his ear as she soothed his hair. He wanted to believe her.

_

Park Chaeun’s gaze was something he never forgot. Even after his family moved and he went to another school. It haunted him. Sometimes, he would wake up in the dark of the night, drenched in sweat, pupils blown wide and the sight of Park Chaeun lingering in his mind. He wouldn’t leave him alone, not during the night and not during the day. During his first year at university, he saw his frame in the library. Which was impossible, but it felt so real. His heart sank at the thought of him really being here and Taerae had to help him get out of here because he couldn’t breathe.

His mom seeked a therapist for him. It did help for some time. Except that one time when he thought he had seen him on his way to an appointment. He successfully went to his therapy but it was the last time he went. 

Something inside of him couldn’t bear the thought of Chaeung being somewhere close to him. He is somewhat glad it is Chaeun’s frame haunting him and not Wooseok’s, only God knows how Hanbin would react to seeing him, even if it's a trick of his mind.

 Seeing him in the crowd, at the moment he least expected it and during a day he truly enjoyed felt like the universe didn’t want Hanbin to be happy for too long. One way or another, he will have to be reminded of what happened in high school. He felt really relieved when a treatment his therapist advised him during one of their first sessions worked, it helped him sleep soundlessly, without any nightmares waking him up.

But, as if he was bound to live a difficult life, it stopped working after some time. Thankfully, he only saw him during his sleep. Though that didn’t decrease his stress at all and he kept on having panic attacks. 

Tears fall from his eyes one more time and Hao hands him another tissue. Hanbin thanked him, both for his gesture and his patience. He felt bad. All of the people around him have to worry about him. He doesn’t want to be a burden, especially not to Hao. They have been sitting down for almost half an hour and didn’t get a word out about what happened. His lips are sealed while his thoughts are running free.  Hanbin knows Hao’s curious about it, but he also knows he won’t ask first. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, not looking at him even though he feels his gaze on him. These words are unmeaningful for him but it’s the least Hao deserves, and that’s all he can get out of his mouth for now.

“What are you sorry for ?” He responded after quite some time, enough for Hanbin to think he wouldn’t answer at all.

“For the scene I caused and for-” He gets cut off before he can even finish his sentence. Hao puts a finger in front of his mouth, shushing him.

“No, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about.” He finally looks at him and kind of regrets doing so when   Hao looks so gorgeous. Even in the darkness of the night, Hanbin can trace his features perfectly, his well-shaped nose, his thin eyelashes, his rosy cheeks, “Are you listening to me ?” Hao’s frown grows deeper.

“Yeah, sorry.” He shuts his mouth after saying the word again and Hao sends him a fake angered look.

“How about we head home now ? You must feel tired.” He weakly nods his head, not able to process the fact that he isn’t showering him with questions after seeing he felt a bit better.

Hao gets up on his feet and stretches out a hand for Hanbin who gladly takes it. On the way back, he can’t help but replay Hao’s actions towards him, all the kindness and patience he treats him with when they have known each other for only a few days. Is it bad to say he feels loved ? 

_

Only a few days are left for the group in the villa. After the incident at the funfair, the both of them got home and talked. They talked for hours on end, getting to know each other. Hao didn’t bring up what happened and for that, Hanbin was thankful.

Hao was the one mainly talking about himself, he quickly realized that Hanbin wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him much. But he was really interested in whatever stories and anecdotes Hao told him about, reacting at the right moment, sharing his thoughts about the characters and Hao’s actions.

 He shared a little about himself when they talked about their family, he told Hao about his younger sister Areum, the fact that he couldn’t see her often as she went to study abroad. He also said that he kind of saw her in Gunwook, even more because they met only a few weeks after Areum’s departure. “It felt like fate, we were bound to get along well and have this relationship. Like us.” He said while playing with Hao’s fingers, he listened to him as well, eyes sparkling and a small smile that never left his lips all night.

Their conversation brought them closer and they realized they share a lot. The way they talk as well as the way they think and see different things. “I’m really glad to have you in my life.” Hao said in a sleepy voice. His head was smashed against one of Hanbin’s pillows, he was fighting himself to stay up a little longer. He only surrendered when Hanbin told him that he wouldn't be mad if he slept before him, saying it was always a tad bit hard for him to fall asleep, excluding the main reason of why  it was that way.

So Hao let himself go, his grip around Hanbin’s wrist, like he was using him as a plushie, murmuring a good night that Hanbin returned. And he closed his heavy eyes, drifting to sleep in a minute or two. It made Hanbin a little jealous but all of this feeling washed away when he saw how cute Hao looked asleep. He didn’t stare for long, not wanting to look like a creep, but the image lingered in his mind as he, too, drifted out to sleep.

He felt really comfortable that night, talking with Hao was so simple, he didn’t need to think twice about what to say because he knew the other wouldn’t judge. And the fact that this goes the same way around makes him wonder why the hell did they not get to know each other before. 

They fit well together and bonded so quickly it actually amazes Hanbin, who never got close to anyone so fast.

But, looking at him across the blanket they put on the beach, eating a slice of pizza while laughing with Matthew about something he said, it all makes sense. Since he met him, it felt like all the pieces of the puzzle went into the right place, like he is the mirror of his soul. So naturally he finds his gaze located on Hao’s delicate frame, observing his features, locking them inside his memory to never forget what a fallen angel looks like.

When Hao smiles his way while munching his pizza, he takes some time to appreciate the beauty of his being for a few more seconds before smiling back.

“Here.” Hanbin takes the water bottle Hao hands him. Seated on the blanket, he shifts for Hao to have more space to sit next to him.The feeling of the warm sand crawling at his toes makes him comfortable, or maybe it is Hao’s presence. 

He couldn’t explain it, but having him around grows a feeling in his chest, a good and pleasant feeling. It reminds him of the moment when he met his friends. He was a shy kid who never went to others first during childhood. It was particularly difficult during his early days at primary school. Other kids wouldn’t associate with him no matter how much the teachers tried. From an early age, he had learnt that other people had problems talking with those different.

His difference was who he was. The fact that he cried a lot, that he didn’t like to play the ball but rather sit quietly to read a book had got him the title of the weird kid of the school. His mother kept telling him he didn’t have to change for others, that real friends are those who like and support you for whoever you are. He has thanked her before and still does as of today. Even if it was hard at first, changing how he acts and talks as well as the activities he does would have been much harder and he knows it.

Fortunately, he found great friends. After years of hanging out with his sister, the one he considers his best friend, Taerae went to him and introduced him to his friends. It was tough at first, their first hangout as a group was really awkward for Hanbin. He simply didn’t know how to act. But they reassured him and guided him through it. There are a few people Hanbin cherishes with his whole heart, his family and friends. He couldn’t have made it without them and that’s a fact he never fails to remind himself each time he gets a tad bit too emotional.

With Hao, it was different. Like a meant to be. It’s like Hao’s the sun and Hanbin’s the moon, they rotate around each other but Hnabin needs Hao to shine while the other shines brightly on his own.

Like the night they first talked to each other, they are back together, looking at their friends having a fun time in the water. He drinks a sip to appease his thirst and thanks him.

“I will miss this.” Hao says suddenly, not meeting Hanbin’s eyes as he curiously takes a glance towards him.

“What do you mean ?” 

Hao takes a sip of his beer before expanding his thoughts, “This place, the town, the hangouts with the group,” He marks a pause in his sentence and looks at Hanbin, “Being here with you.”

He hopes Hao won’t see the blush that crept on his cheeks but hearing his soft giggles, he knows it's a fail. 

“I will too, you know, miss you.” He blurted out in a tiny voice, making Hao laugh out of fondness.

And he means it. It’s not in his plans to let Hao go after they go back home, but here they had something special, something intimate.

Hao inches closer and brings his face so close to Hanbin’s that he can feel his hot breath hitting his blushing cheek. “I will make sure you never miss me, Sung Hanbin.”

“I hope you do, Zhang Hao.” They smile, not noticing their touching hands on the blanket beneath them.

After some time, Hao asks if he can smoke, “Sure, like last time I don’t mind at all.” 

So he shuffles around to get his lighter and pack of cigarettes out of his tote bag. It’s a cute bag that Hanbin noticed a few days ago when he went to Hao’s room. It has white flowers drawn on it that Hao proudly admitted he had painted himself. He likes to see him carry it around, it somehow makes him look smaller in Hanbin’s eyes.

Before lighting it, he takes off his sweater, claiming he felt hot and adding that it was really how he felt and not a joke like last time. Hanbin laughed at that. Hao got his hoodie out, lifting his arms for it to pass over his head. It slightly lifted his shirt along the way and Hanbin can swear he looked at his bare skin respectfully, without drooling at all.

“Like what you see ?” Hao playfully asks as he puts the tip of his cigarette between his plump lips before lighting it. Hanbin flushes furiously, looking away from Hao’s face. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Hao was wearing a tank top, allowing Hanbin to see his bare shoulders and most importantly the dark ink that lingers on his smooth, pale skin.

“Is that a tattoo ?” As his eyes trailed Hao's body, they met with the ink lying on his upper arm. A quite large tattoo that goes all the way up his shoulder. It was a beautiful sight, blending unique flowers around what looked like a summer sky.

“It is.” He affirms, approaching his arm closer for him to look at, “Wanna see ?”

Hanbin takes his sweet time to observe the piece, making mental notes of each detail, for his own pleasure and to ask questions about them later. His eyes linger on each flower, he doesn’t recognize them all but he can make out a daffodil and an iris. They all surround the sky, making it the center of the tattoo and mostly the most eye-catching detail. “Does it tell a story ?” 

Hao, who has been watching him quietly while inhaling the smoke of his cigarette, takes it out of his mouth before exhaling, his neck stretched up to not send the smoke Hanbin’s way. A kind gesture that could pass as nonchalance but that made Hanbin smile.

“It does. It’s even telling different stories at the same time but they are all connected in some way or another.” He locks eyes with Hanbin who listens curiously to his words.

“Is it connected to the sky ?” The glow in Hao’s eyes intensifies and he nods.

It takes him some time to gather his thoughts but he eventually gets what he wants to say out, “Yeah, you’re right. It’s quite a long story because, if you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of details.” He runs a hand on his inked arm aimlessly. Hanbin hums in response and shifts to a more comfortable position, showing him that he is ready to listen to it all.

His action brought a small smile on Hao’s face who can’t help but think of how cute Hanbin looks right now, wrapped in his gray sweater, hood covering his silk hair which falls on his face, surrounding his wide open, shining eyes.

“I always wanted a tattoo, it’s been on my mind since my uncle showed me the one he got on his chest. I was like nine at that time. So I had plenty of years to decide what kind of tattoo I wanted to get.” As he recalls the memories, nostalgia hits him like a wave in the face even if he’s still telling the easy part of the story. But he feels great, he feels proud. He wants to tell Hanbin every little detail about him and his life, as much as he wants to know everything about him. He knows some people need time to tell intimate parts of themselves and that Hanbin’s one of them. But he also knows patience, he is willing to wait as much time as he needs. One look at his face confirms his thoughts and brings him the strength to continue to tell his story.

“My uncle helped a lot, he was really talented and could draw all the designs I had in mind. He was really supportive too. Where my parents lacked a little he was there for me as much as he was to Ricky. But to be honest, I wasn’t the kind of kid to want to get anything tattooed without any meaning behind it. I wanted something meaningful, a tattoo to be proud of for the rest of my life.” He marks another pause to gather his thoughts. He doesn’t want to stray too far from the original story he was telling. “In Chinese, Hao means “summer sky” so it felt obvious for me to put it in the design. I struggled with myself a lot, I thought about it thoroughly to be sure I won’t regret it. And, one day I came to terms that I was the most important person in my life and if I can’t even like myself, who can I like ? It didn’t make sense to me. Then, for the flowers, they also all have a meaning.” It takes some time for him to take his breath. Hanbin tries to catch every detail on his arm, must it be the little wave in the back or the bigger lily of the valley in the front. 

“The flower there,” says Hanbin, “The daffodil, I know its meaning.” 

“You do ?” He nods while running his finger in the air, right above the said flower.

“It’s about rebirth and new beginnings, isn’t it ?” He looks up and their eyes meet. Hao could spend a lifetime looking  in Hanbin’s eyes without getting bored one second. His pretty brown iris is attached with long and thin lashes around a single eyelid that makes his gaze adorable.

“It is indeed. How do you know that ?” 

“I got interested in the meanings of flowers in 8th grade. It lasted two months.” He laughs as he says this and Hao joins him, finding him endearing. “What about the others though ? Can you tell me their meanings ?” 

He searches for a second the flowers on his arm before settling on one to tell, “This one,” he says as he points at a violet flower, “is an iris. It represents hope and faith, something I think everyone needs to live, especially me.” 

Hanbin listens thoroughly as Hao continues and tells him about the pink carnations which represent gratitude and the lily of the valley which represent purity, love and luck. 

“Then, this one is called a chrysanthemum, it’s the most important flower of my tattoo in my opinion. It represents grief.” He looks up to see Hanbin’s reaction and sees his eyes open a little wider but waiting for him to elaborate.

It takes some time and struggle for Hao to find the right words, because there aren’t many ways to say this. “My uncle died a few years ago.” He says abruptly, not looking up from his hand which is playing with the sand. “It was though, it still is. He was the closest parent I ever got.” His voice is calm, not wanting to show the other the sobs he tries hard to keep in.

However, his last barrier falls, letting the flow of tears out of his eyes when the gentle touch of Hanbin’s hand reaches his trembling one.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this Hao.” He soothes his hand as he speaks, his voice reflecting the emotions he feels.

Hao searched for any ounce of pity in his tone but found none to his surprise. Hanbin seems to be genuinely sad for his loss but unlike the others, unlike his parents, he sees further than just the sadness of losing his uncle. He squeezes Hanbin’s hands and puts his head in the crook of his neck, resting it here as the other keeps soothing him, letting his soundless tears fall.

_

Hanbin’s back hit the hard ground and he let out a groan. He can’t feel his arms anymore after the pushups he did in the sand. 

But, regarding his efforts to complete his dare, his friends are hyping him up, clattering their bottles of beer with one another and drinking for him -absolutely not because they’re wasted and don’t want to stop drinking, nah, never.

“Good job.” Says Hao when he sits upright on his towel, handing him a glass of water. Hanbin gladly takes it and finishes it in one go, not without Hao making sure he doesn’t choke on it with how fast paced he drank. He and Ricky were designated to be sober friends to make sure no one drowns in the cold ocean during one of their last nights here.

As he puts down his now empty glass, Hanbin silently thanks himself for taking his pills earlier today, his arm is painless except for his burning muscles due to the effort of doing push ups. He massaged his arm, rubbing the sore part of it. In front of him, Gyuvin is laying on Rickys lap, smiling brightly while looking up at his boyfriend who smiles back and strokes his cheek. They’re really cute together. He hopes they stay that way, young and in love, for a long time.

His attention is taken to the other side, where Hao sits beside Taerae, both laughing at the faces Matthew makes after drinking. He was dared to drink what Yujin prepared for him and the younger one didn’t go easy on him.

“Okay !” Says Matthew after clutching down his water, clapping his hands and looking at his friends one by one, “It’s my turn now.” 

His gaze scrutinizes every one of them, landing on each face as his eyebrows frown, creating a wrinkle on his forehead. He then stops and smirks, “Hao hyung, truth or dare ?”

Confidence burns in his eyes as Hao immediately answers, “Dare."

It’s one of the things he likes the most about him, his confidence. Anything he does, he does it with his chin held up high, not fearing judgment and weird looks. 

“I dare you to kiss Jiwoong hyung.” All traces of confidence seem to leave his body after Matthew said that but, he gets up on his feet anyway and walks towards the eldest.

Witnessing this from so close creates a weird feeling in Hanbin’s stomach. He knows it’s just a dare and that they’re friends but he can’t help it. And, seeing how fast Hao got up made him kind of uneasy. He knows he can’t be jealous, he has no right to, especially towards his friends, because Hao is his friend or at least he believes so.

Sitting cross-legged in front of Jiwoong, Hao remains calm. It’s not a problem to complete Matthew’s dare, on his side that is. “You okay with this ?” He asks softly. If kissing him would make Jiwoong uncomfortable, he wouldn’t do it.

“It’s fine, you ?” He nods and gets his hands on his neck. That way, it will be done quickly and he will be able to sit back where he was. He would sit back on his blanket, the one he shares with Hanbin, a soft pink and blue one. It’s a very comfortable blanket, especially when his knee bumps against Hanbin’s, creating more warmth. He’s so warm on this blanket that the heat crept up his cheekbones and even thinking of it, the blanket, warmed his cheeks and his chest.

His hands move slightly to get Jiwoong’s head to get closer. He also leans in, aiming at his lips. They share one last look and Hao understands the look in his eyes. He smiles briefly and closes his eyes before closing the distance between them.

Hao’s lips leave Jiwoong’s skin as soon as they’ve touched it, a sly smile decorating his face. Jiwoong puts a hand up his cheek and laughs, watching Hao take off and go back on his shared blanket.

“What happened ?” Matthew asks, taking alternate looks at the both of them.

Hao sits on the blanket, closing the distance between him and Hanbin as he puts his knee on his, slightly startling Hanbin who looks equally as confused as Matthew. He then takes Hanbin’s glass, fills it with a nearby bottle of water before chucking it down. “What ?” He says plainly. Still wearing his sly grin, he adds, “You dared me to kiss him, didn’t specify where.”

_

“Why did you do that ?”

Hao looks down on him, a fond smile on his face. They’re alone at the beach, the others went back a few minutes ago and left them after Hao told them to, as Hanbin was dozing off on his shoulder.

“Why do you ask ?” He says back, enjoying the pout decorating Hanbin’s lips by having his question answered by another one. Wanting to tease him some more, he adds, “Did you want me to kiss him for real ?” 

Secretly, he hopes Hanbin denies it. He hopes he says that he wanted to kiss him instead. He knows it’s not great to have a wish like this, especially seeing the state Hnabin’s in, but he can’t stop this train of thoughts.

Hanbin puts his head further into Hao’s neck as a response, not uttering a sound.

“Did you ?” It’s a selfish behavior Hao knows he’s bound to regret at some point. But, right now, he doesn’t care. If it means Hanbin will open up to him about his feelings, he’ll do anything.

At some point, he realized that what he felt for him was more than friendship. Not love, not yet, but there are feelings for sure, a lot of positive feelings.

Throughout the week, he  saw different sides of Hanbin that all drew him closer to the other boy, wanting to know more, to know everything about him, everything Hanbin’s willing to tell him. But he’s also ready to tell him anything he wants to know about himself.

He never felt like this before. And he never thought he could. The closest he’s ever been was with his uncle, and since he left, he had troubles opening up to people, the fear of losing them someday eating him alive and resulted in him pushing others away.

But he is glad Ricky convinced him to join him on this trip. It’s been long since the last time they saw each other outside of campus. Plus, he met new people, something that rarely happens with the shelter he made of himself. He sincerely hopes for the better outcome of this week and for these friendships to last. With Hanbin however, the fear of losing him didn’t make Hao push him away. Instead, it drew him closer and closer, not wanting to ever let go.

Clumsily, Hanbin gets on his knees, a glint of seriousness illuminating his eyes. He looks at him like Hao hung the stars in the sky. “No. Of course not.” He says without thinking and closes his mouth shut right after, eyes going slightly wide.

Hao can’t help the smile on his lips as he gets closer, the satisfaction he gets from seeing Hanbin all flustered by his own words shouldn’t be this much.

It’s his turn to be flustered when Hanbin places his hand onto his, his gaze unwavering even though Hao can feel his anxiety build up. “I, I’m glad you didn’t kiss him.” He adds after some time.

“You mean it ?” His eyes are full of hope even if a part of him still doesn’t want to believe that he might actually like him back.

As an answer, Hanbin leans in. They’re so close Hao can feel his breath tickling his cheek. None of them dares to move, too lost in the moment. Hao freely stares at his face, going from the moles on his face to the little scar he has on his right cheekbone and then counting the numerous long lashes which fit his brown eyes perfectly. Then, when Hanbin leans even closer, Hao closes his eyes by instinct, not believing this might be really happening.

Like a deja vu, Hao feels Hanbin’s lips touch his skin before retracting almost immediately. Hanbin kissed him on the cheek. He kissed him. But it was on the cheek. But it was a kiss nonetheless. Thoughts are flooding his brain. 

“I-” Hanbin started, ready to apologize or say anything to get them out of this awkward situation but Hao had other plans. As soon as he opened his mouth, Hao leaned forward to press his lips against his. It’s one of those innocent first pecks, lips pressed to lips without any movement. 

Hao’s the one to break the kiss to catch his breath and the sight that welcomes him is so sinfully beautiful. RIght before his eyes is Hanbin, swollen lips parted, flushed cheek so red you might think he’s running a fever and those brown eyes, those glowing brown eyes Hao would do anything for him to keep looking at him that way.

Before anything can be said, they both lean in at the same time, already craving the taste of the other’s lips. It’s different this time. Their lips are parted, allowing them to move them. Hao’s hands wander to his nape, clutching at the hair there, making Hanbin whimper softly against his mouth. Not letting him go, Hanbin snakes one hand behind his back while the other cups his cheek. He licks Hao’s lips and he doesn’t hesitate before allowing him inside.

When they part, Hanbin looks at him with a candid smile before stealing him another chaste kiss. “You’re insufferable.” Hao lets out a light laugh.

“And you like it, don’t pretend otherwise.” He says back, his hand joining the other on Hao’s back, hugging him.

“That I do, unfortunately.” Another kiss of a long list is stolen again tonight.

_

‘’Watch out !” Says Matthew as he moves his garnished plate over Hanbin’s head. He places it in front of Gunwook who blows him a kiss as a thank you and starts eating the food he grilled for him.

For their last night of vacation, the group decided to finish fancifully by eating in a restaurant Ricky found -and that he offered to pay afterwards.

Hanbin is sandwiched between Matthew and Hao, sharing his food with the younger while Hao makes sure he eats enough.

‘’Open up.’’ He says with a spoon full of rice. Hanbin obliges and hums in delight at the taste of the food on his tongue. ‘’Good, right ?” He nods enthusiastically before taking a piece of meat on the grill and shoving it in Hao’s mouth.

‘’You need to eat too. And since I grilled the meat, there’s no way it doesn’t taste good.’’

Hao munches on the meat and after only a second, his face lights up. Hanbin looks satisfied and decides to take a bite too but his plan is compromised when Hao takes hold of his chopsticks while his hands are still holding them, and approaches the food to his face before getting it in his mouth, not breaking eye contact the entire time.

Their attention is taken away by the sounds Yujin makes, his face scrunching up as he pushes his plate far from his face, ‘’You know this is a public place ? Even Gyuvin and Ricky are more well-behaved than you.’’ Says he, clearly offended by the actions that took place right in front of his salad.

His remark gets the attention of the whole group on them and Hanbin knows his ears are so red right now. 

And they probably get redder -if that's even possible- after he notices Hao’s hand still holding his.

 The other boy chuckles and resumes his action, chewing while looking right into Hanbin’s wide opened eyes.

“Oh my god...”

There was a silence, only broken after a minute or so by Gyuvin, who couldn’t contain himself and let out a loud chuckle. Only then Hanbin realized that the words still hanging heavily in the air had left his own lips, without his consent. 

And that; was the moment he truly acknowledged his feelings and how bad down he was for Zhang Hao. 

_

Hanbin holds out his hand to knock a few times on the door, waiting for the other to respond. He looks around, acknowledging, for what might be the last time, the corridor he got to know after spending a week here. 

By the window, the sun is setting, creating orange and yellow hues who drown the space in a golden light. He will miss this sight. The nights they spent at the beach, playing games, laughing and becoming kids all over again like there was no tomorrow. Except there is, and it’s coming sooner than he thought it would.

In a few days, they go back to a stressful environment, with stressfully important exams to pass and stressful teachers behind your back adding more to the amount of work they already have.

Luckily for him, a sweet voice calls him in, helping him get away from these thoughts. He opens the door and steps inside. Hao is still inside the bathroom with the door ajar so Hanbin assumes he will soon be finished. 

He takes a look around, noticing how the older’s room is identical to his with the bed on the far left side, a window next to it. That same window facing the bathroom’s door which is enlightened by the sunset light, just like the corridor. At that exact moment, Hao came out of the bathroom. He wore a black t-shirt along with gray shorts. The angle his face was in allowed the sunlight to light up his features. The sight was breathtaking. Hanbin got lost in the contemplation, only coming back to Earth when Hao called his name.

“Could you dry my hair, please ?” He asked, oblivious to the breakdown Hanbin was internally having because he was so damn pretty.

“Sure.” How he managed to keep his tone nonchalant was a mystery. Then again, what mattered was that he did, so he couldn’t care less, taking the slightly wet towel Hao handed him before sitting next to each other on the bed.

He massaged his scalp, going gently and with precise moves. From where he was he could smell Hao’s shampoo, a mix of jasmine and tulips. A soft smell which matched perfectly with the locks he was currently drying.

When he was finished, he let Hao know with a quiet sound. The other thanked him, turning around to gift him his pretty smile. Hanbin didn’t know what to do next after Hao took the towel away from his hands to put it further on the bed. He awkwardly played with his fingers.

Hao thought he looked really cute acting all shy like that and didn’t hold back, telling him exactly his thoughts. A laugh left his lips when Hanbin blushed and avoided his gaze.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just me.” He said and took a hold of one of Hanbin’s hands.

Looking up, Hanbin was serious when he replied, “Yeah, that’s the matter, it’s you .” 

Hao cooed and went closer to land a kiss on Hanbin’s forehead, “Thank you. For everything.” The atmosphere had gone serious, Hanbin understood that Hao meant these words and, somewhat, it tightened his throat, preventing him from telling him all the things he wanted. Instead, tears formed on the outline of his eyes and he felt the urge to hide. 

And so he pulled Hao by the waist and yanked them both to lay down on the mattress. The other let out a strangle yelp at the sudden shift of position but then started laughing. Hanbin all but hid his face in Hao’s chest, letting a few tears make their way down his cheeks.

“Aw, you wanna cuddle ?” Hanbin nodded and secured a tighter hold around Hao’s thin waist. His eyes closed, his heartbeat matching the one of the man he liked, feeling it against him. 

The next moment he opened his eyes, the breathing he was cradled to was a lot calmer and slower. He looked up and noticed it was now dark outside. Beside the fall of dusk, the air outside must be warm, like the other nights. But, unlike the other nights, Hanbin doesn’t want to spend hours in the sand, listening to the sound of the waves in the company of the moon. Right now, he much prefers the calm sound of a summer sky.

The summer sky, his summer sky, looked peaceful, resting well under the warm sheets -and Hanbin’s body. For the first time, he felt like he was home. A giddy smile took place on his face as he started to trace Hao’s features. His fingertip followed the neat line of his eyebrow, the sharp of his cheekbone and his soft, pink lips.

Suddenly, Hao’s eyelashes fluttered open. His dark eyes shone even in the darkness of the room. He probably felt the feathery touch Hanbin had on his skin. 

Hanbin retracted his hand, silently fearing rejection, but Hao was fast to put his palm on his own cheek. The warmth of Hao’s cheek on his finger irradiated through his whole body and even made him slightly blush. The moment was calm and pure. It was unlike most of their alone moments where, even if it felt like they had always known each other, it was rushed. Even if Hnabin knows that it was their sudden closeness and lack of uncomfort that made him catch feelings this fast, he’d always wanted a relationship this fussless and tender.

The soft touch of Hao’s face made him forget all troubles for a few minutes and he couldn’t be more grateful. 

“You know,” he started, hesitantly. The curious and harmless gaze of the other gave him enough courage to say, “I have always wanted three daughters.”

“Yeah ? You do ?” He didn’t seem judgemental at all. He wasn’t expecting Hanbin to tell him that and seemed even more curious of where this talk will lead them and Hanbin was thankful.

He nodded, “Still do.” He said in a whisper. “It didn’t change when I realized I liked boys, there’s many ways to have a child for homosexual couples and the fact that my parents were supportive from the start really helped.”  

Like he sensed that the hard part was coming, Hao intertwined his fingers with Hanbin’s on his cheek and gave him a small smile. He was so glad Hanbin could grow up in a loving and supportive family. He’s sure it’s part of why he has such a big heart.

“It happened in high school.” He took a deep breath, “During my second year. I was kind of clueless at that time but I- I really thought I could trust him.” His voice cracks and he avoids Hao’s gaze, feeling embarrassed. Hao gave their hands a squeeze. “I had a friend, a guy I considered my best friend. I figured who I was and wasn’t hiding it but also not saying it out loud to not draw attention in school, it was still a hot topic at that time.”

“Bin-ah, if it’s too hard you don’t have to force it.” Concerns made Hao’s pupils glow, he didn’t want Hanbin to feel forced to tell him something he had a bad memory of.

“No, it’s okay.” 

He wanted to tell him. He trusts Hao. Besides, Hao told him about a deep part of himself, he wants to show him that he trusts him as much as Hao does. Telling him what happened to him will also maybe help them grow closer and understand each other more. And Hanbin really wants to tell Hao everything about himself and listen to him tell everything he wants to tell Hanbin about himself.

“He knew about this wish of mine to have daughters. He played on the football team of the school and sometimes I would  watch them practice. There, I met a guy.” He felt his eyes burn and knew he was crying when Hao let go of his hand to gently wipe the under of his eye with his thumb. “His name was Chaeun.” The name left a bitter taste on his tongue.

He saw the memories he had of them, the joyful and hurtful ones. The moment when he saw him last was fresh in his mind.

“We clicked immediately, I felt great when I was with him. We saw each other often, we went to each other's house and were each other firsts.” A flow of tears was cascading down his cheeks but Hanbin couldn’t care less right now. His mouth is bitter and full of hatred for this boy he once loved and trusted. “Everything felt so right with him. It was so easy to get lost. And, like a fool, I jumped right in.”

Hao listened attentively. He wished he had met Hanbin earlier and gave him a hug. He wished he was there to protect him and help him so that his Hnabin, who already went through so much, didn’t have to get hurt meaninglessly.

“I told him so many things. He obviously knew I liked boys but I explicitly told him I was gay but that I still wanted to have children. I told him about my arm condition, it was an accident I got in when I was a kid. Never in a lifetime would I have thought he would betray me.” 

“You don’t have to continue Hanbin. I’m so sorry it happened but I’m glad you were able to tell me, you’re so brave.” It was his turn to cup Hanbin’s cheek. He made him look up, their eyes making contact so Hanbin could register what Hao said.

“Thank you…” He answered quietly. Hao smiled sadly and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“If you don’t mind, can I go on ? I think it would be great for me to let it all out, and I trust you, so…” He tried to avoid his eyes again but Hao didn’t let him, putting his other hand on his cheek, fully cupping his face between his fingers.

“Of course you can, dear. I’m sorry if it sounded like I don’t want to listen anymore, I’m just worried about you pushing yourself to tell me this.”

“I’m not, I want you to know about this, I really do.” 

“I trust you, too.” Said Hao with a gentle but serious tone.

“My relationship with Chaeun lasted a few months, we were doing fine, or at least I thought. That bastard used everything I told him against me. At first, it was some remarks, meaningless statements meant to hurt me. He knew I struggled a lot with my looks and often told me that my outfits were ugly and made me look fat.” Hao never frowned this much in his entire life.

“But he would cover that up with a hug, telling me I’m beautiful, clearly sugarcoating what he told me. I soon noticed that he was trying to manipulate me into staying with him as he would always tell me that I have no one beside him, that no one would want me other than him.”  As he counted his story, flashbacks brought him back to his old bedroom, looking at himself with tears in his eyes. He would starve himself for days to lose weight for Chaeun, cry himself to sleep after each day of school he received comments from his “boyfriend”.

“One day, it became too much and I decided to end it. He got mad and outed me in front of the whole school. It was already hard at that time to go to school but after that it was even harder. My best friend Wooseok didn’t want to talk to me anymore, the only times he did were to insult or make fun of me.”

Anger grew in the pit of Hao’s stomach. He couldn’t believe anyone harmed Hanbin on purpose. 

“He also knew that my arm was weak and often hurted after my accident. He used it against me by putting me in uncomfortable situations where I needed both arms and obviously it hurted like a bitch.”

“Oh my God I hate him so much.” Hanbin chuckled at this heartful thought. “They were punished for what they did, right ? Please tell me they were.”

Hanbin shook his head, “I changed schools after my parents discovered what was happening.”

“Nice, now I have to find them. Which school did you go to again ?” Now, Hanbin was full-on laughing and Hao was glad he could get him to smile.

“Thank you.” Hanbin said after calming down.

Hao brought one hand down his waist, the other still resting on his cheek, he eyed Hanbin fondly for a few seconds before leaning down at the same time as him, their lips meeting halfway. Their lips moved together in a slow dance. Through this kiss, Hao sent Hanbin all of love, all the pride he felt and the comfort being in his arms brought him.

Hanbin received it all, smiling in the kiss. He sent it back to him by kissing him deeper, hoping Hao would feel how grateful Hanbin is to have him in his life. It was a silent confession of their feelings. A love so pure, it was healing both of their injured souls. That night, they thought the same thing as they were hugging tightly and sometimes leaving kisses on the other’s face ; meeting each other was destiny, they understood each other so well, reading the other like they are the mirror of their own selves. They were made for each other. One soul, cut in half, struggling in its life before finally finding its missing piece, its soulmate.