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There were many things that were bizarre and needed getting used to when Porchay moved permanently into the main family compound. He says ‘permanently’ because he only needs to look at the love-sick expression on Porsche’s face, how he practically vibrated in happiness when around Kinn, to know that this second attempt would almost surely be a success and he wouldn’t be awoken a little after sunrise to pack a bag and flee this time. Among the top things of culture shock when one immerses themselves in the land of rich and privileged is- well, the richness. He has an allowance now and it is a dozen times multiplied by what he is used to on a monthly basis. And if that wasn’t enough, Kinn reassured him, he could always ask for more. It was at this point Porchay was getting the sense he was being gently bribed against trying to sabotage Kinn and Porsche’s relationship. Not that he would do that, looking at the abovementioned happiness but it sounded cool. However, he had no idea what he would need to buy to come close to the initial limit, as he was also being provided with anything he could for ask in life. His school tuition was being paid for, Tankhun had taken him on multiple trips to the shopping malls, now when he had finally started going out. He could dine in a restaurant every day if he wanted to as one was literally located in his new home. Or call and ask for room service, or go himself down to the kitchen to grab something when he wanted to stretch his legs. He had access to games and consoles that were months away from being released on the market. He had everything material he could wish for.
Getting his own security detail was weird, he wasn’t going to lie. He saw the logic, he knew he was the newest and weakest link in the family dynamic, and if one wanted to target Porsche and from there Kinn, Porchay and his limited knowledge of self-defense were right there for the taking. Having started going to university provided many opportunities. He tried to make the best of it by befriending the three guys who rotated around him when he was outside the security of the walls.
What he really had trouble getting behind, were the public appearances. Especially tonight when Kim was also circling the room and every time he caught a glimpse of him, he felt a sharp pain in his stomach, like being hit by an electricity current. Not that that stopped him from looking.
The bastard looked heart-stoppingly good tonight.
Porchay was still mad as fuck at him. But he also wanted to get closer. His hair had been getting longer these days and Porchay saw he had tied it up to keep it out of his eyes. He wore all black, save for the dark deep blue shirt with silver embroidery along the lapels. The first two buttons were left undone and his fingers twitched every time he saw it, wanting to touch. He gritted his teeth, annoyed at himself, and turned his back on him so he couldn’t continue to track him from across the room. His cheeks were slightly flushed from embarrassment, scared the other may have noticed he was being watched.
He kept mostly to the corners of the room. He was never sure what exactly his purpose was in these events. Porchay had no real role in the family. In fact, he was pretty sure his big brother would get a stroke on the spot if someone dared mention something to that effect. He tried to be polite if someone talked to him, answered vaguely to any questions. He was curious how people saw him. He was here, they wouldn’t think he was on bad terms with the hosts. But he was also never included in the business talk. Did they think he was incapable or untrustworthy? Were they all making a huge mistake by announcing to the world he existed? He didn’t want to hide away in his room for the rest of his life but also didn’t want a spot on the negotiating table. Would he ever find his place?
Porsche’s dream of opening a bar by the beach with Porchay entertaining the guests was probably never going to happen. So he was essentially left to find his own way.
He went to refill his drink. Even managed a five-minute conversation with a lady he had never seen before. She was polite and appeared lovely but during the whole talk there was tension around his shoulders, a small voice screaming in his head, he had no idea who she was and why she had been invited. Could she afford the very expensive dress she wore because she ordered people to be killed during business hours, some other illegal things he didn’t want to think too hard about? Or had she married or was friends with a crime lord? If he insulted her right now out of ignorance, would there be a kill order issued in his name? Would she make a scene or plot in secret? Would his brother take the fall? Not being able to shake off such thoughts, he was very proud of himself that he didn’t stutter once or drop something. By the time they separated, a horrific image was playing in his mind, of Porchay spilling some drink or a piece of food on her. Suppressing a shudder, he watched her walk away, glad to be left on his own again. Dinner should be served in the next thirty minutes if he remembered correctly. Maybe he could quietly slip away right after. He glanced at his brother and Kinn, standing close together on the other side of the room, talking with a couple of men. Maybe he could even go now and grab something from the kitchen to take to his room. Porsche would understand, he could bet he himself would have much preferred to be anywhere but here, entertaining guests.
He took an uncomfortable breath that burned his lungs on the exhale, wanting to pinch himself right after because his eyes were straying again and lingering where they shouldn’t. Looking at Kim was turning into a compulsion. He knew it was bad for him but he couldn’t stop. He was alone at the moment, he saw. The last time he checked, he had been talking with one of the guests, appearing cool and sure of himself. Wasn’t Kim supposed to hate his family home? Porchay had heard stories of how hard he had fought for his independence, and the right to live on his own. Tankhun had told him there had been months where he hadn’t even seen his brother. Tonight he didn’t appear to have a problem with staying here, had been here for close to two hours now. When would he leave? Surely, he wasn’t planning to stay the night. Porchay had no idea where in this ridiculous skyscraper his old room was but he knew for a fact he would never be able to sleep comfortably knowing he was so close. A shock of heat went through his body, realizing their eyes were still locked. Blushing, he quickly looked away. Only to sneak a glance back two seconds later to check if-
Kim drank the last of his champagne, he had been nursing that one flute the whole evening, Porchay hated he knew that for a fact. Then he panicked when he saw him start walking and in his direction, his steps fluid and determined. Why was he heading towards him? He really had the worst luck on the planet.
He tried to walk past him, not even looking at his face but Kim stepped right in front of him and successfully blocked his way.
“Can I help you?” He deadpaned, sticking as much boredom and indifference in his voice as he could manage.
Kim’s eyes narrowed and Porchay realized he had never seen him look so dangerous. It wasn’t a look Wik was known for. This was all cool consideration, stubbornness and downright arrogance. He hated the fleeting thought that went through his mind that it was also a really good look for him. Fuck, what was wrong with him tonight? He hadn’t seen him in a few weeks, that was true, but where had this hormonal discharge come from? He hadn’t been this defenseless to his beauty even when he was drowning in the exhilaration his crush was paying attention to him.
He wasn’t real with you back then. Now one part of the mask is off and maybe you should just admit it to yourself – you have a thing for power.
“You and I need to talk.”
“No, we don’t,” he tried to argue because talking to the man who had broken his heart was the absolute last thing he wanted to be doing tonight. And of course, Kim not only didn’t listen to what his wishes were but took things into his own hands and grabbed his elbow, and started dragging him towards an exit. Porchay wanted to scream in indignation and dig his heels in.
“What are you doing, let me go,” he hissed quietly because for all the strength Kim was using
to overpower him, he was pretty discreet about it and Porchay didn’t want to cause a scene.
“What are you doing?” he asked again when he was finally let free. He went further into the room, barely looking around enough to see it was an office space. He watched in disbelief and then resignation how Kim calmly closed the door behind himself.
“Putting an end to this ridiculous charade,” he said dispassionately.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me very well. It’s been two months, Chay. I gave you the space you asked for but I’m running out of patience. No matter how much you don’t want to admit it, we’re not done with each other. I refuse to spend yet another night letting you pretend I don’t exist.”
“I don’t know, I kind of like that pretense. I say we keep it up,” he said between gritted teeth.
He pushed him roughly against the wall, leaning close to his face, and Porchay’s next breath definitely didn’t come out right.
“Is this why you haven’t been able to keep your eyes off me the whole evening?” He flinched as if he had been burned. “Be honest with yourself, Chay. You may be angry but you’ll never be indifferent towards me. I’m still under your skin.” His breath burned the skin of his ear and for one wild second, he wanted to close his eyes and bask in the moment.
Then he felt white-hot fury set ablaze his whole body like he had never known before. For two months now he had nursed his broken heart, desperately trying to distract himself from thoughts about Kim, staying as far away as possible from all social media that raved about his newest song, everyone still as obsessed with him as ever. He knew there had been new photo shoots, and interviews and fan meetings, and all this stuff people around him talked about and raised their eyebrows when Porchay tried to escape so he didn’t have to listen to it. He had cried and felt sorry for himself, he had almost had a full-blown panic attack when he tried to pick up his guitar back up again for the first time after that scene in front of Kim’s apartment building that would be seared in his brain for as long as he lived.
And it had all been because of this man, standing mere centimeters in front of him, daring to hold him down. Porchay, who had never been a violent person by nature, simply wanted to step on his foot or something.
“I don’t have to listen to you,” he growled, getting more and more flushed with anger by the minute. He tried to take a deeper breath, feeling trapped with Kim pressed against him. The room they were in suddenly felt smaller. Of course, that was a mistake, because then he was hit by the aroma of his perfume. Oh, it was exquisite, dark and spicy. If he tried to think about it, Porchay was pretty sure he could list all the brands Wik had been asked to promote over the years. He didn’t know if this was one of them or a personal choice, but it did wonders for him. He bit his tongue, trying to focus. “I told you, stay away from me. We are done with each other. I was a means to an end, you got what you wanted out of me. Porsche is in the next room, if you have any more questions, you can go directly to him. I have no more information to give you.”
You already have everything of me. You squeezed me dry, you fucking asshole. He didn’t say that of course. Maybe one day he would be far enough removed from this and sit down and have a mature conversation with this man, like two civilized people. Or he would write his own song about him, pour everything into it, and release it for the world to see. Not now, though. Now it still hurt too much.
“If you really think that, it’s all the clearer to me that we don’t understand each other. It’s stopped being about information you can give me a long time ago.”
“Kim, then what the fuck do you want from me?” He exclaimed, truly fed up. He tried pushing against his chest to get some space but it was like trying to move a mountain. “You are the one that broke up with me, remember? What is this? Why did you try to text me after that, huh?”
“I think I apologized for that.”
”Apologized how? By sending me a song? You think this is a good enough way to apologize or make it clear enough what you think? I have no idea what is going on through your head half the time. The only thing I have left is asking and I fucking did! I asked and you said you never loved me. Why do you keep torturing me?” His voice broke a little and he realized with horror that if this continued he was going to cry. This anger he had built up was a very good defense mechanism but he should never forget it was very flimsy at best. Because underneath it was little Porchay who was very much still in love with Kim and had been very hurt by him.
“You honestly don’t see it?” He asked, looking incredulous and making him even more confused.
“See what?”
“That I lied. When I told you I don’t love you, I fucking lied,” he said. The words were clear and their meaning was impossible to mistake. That didn’t make it make sense, of course. His head started hurting right this moment and Porchay had the nasty suspicion it wouldn’t let up for the rest of the night.
“What are you talking about?” He asked, his voice coming out way more quiet and scared than he would have liked. But his world had kind of scrunched to a halt, he couldn’t be judged too harshly, he thought.
“When I said I don’t love you, I lied,” Kim repeated calmly, just to make it really hit home and Porchay shivered with it. “I lied because back then I still thought there would be a way for you to make it out of this life. Because if you were with me, that chance went out the window and you being put in harm’s way was the last thing I wanted.”
“So you decided to break my heart instead,” he said, unimpressed.
“Comparing it to you getting killed because someone wanted to get to me, yes I fucking did. That wasn’t what I wanted to apologize about. I wanted to talk to you so I could tell you the truth. I am sorry I hurt you but I thought I was doing the right thing. I still do but… I have to say, things, circumstances have changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“With your brother’s new position, there’s no longer any out for you. You’re in, Chay. It doesn’t matter how much I hate it. And it changes everything.”
“It changes- it changes what?” he asked, barely daring to breathe.
“I pushed you away because I thought it’s what I needed to do, not because I wanted to. Do I really need to spell it out of you?”
“After what you did, I think it’s the least I deserve. I want to hear it,” he lifted his chin up, trying to appear as cocky as he could, even though he felt anything but. If he was following and understanding correctly everything that Kim was saying, this had the potential to truly break him. He tried to squash it but there were undeniable slither-thin roots of hope trying to unravel in his stomach. It was stupid because he had been burned and burned badly by this man. And now he was saying all the right things, everything Porchay had wanted to hear, laying alone in his bed in the middle of the night. The roots were the epitome of irresponsibility. He owed it to himself to be more cautious.
“I want to go back and change it. My answer, my actions towards you. I want to go back in time to that morning in your house and say ‘I love you too’ because it was true then, even though it fucking terrified me. I want to go back to that day when you asked me if anything was real and explain to you why being with me is a bad decision but it doesn’t change the fact that both of us want the same thing.”
“What do you want?” he whispered, unblinking. He was scared to lose a second of this. If this was a dream, he wanted to remember it all, even though it would hurt like hell once he awoke.
Something changed in Kim at that moment. Softened. Up until now, he had matched Porchay’s fire beat for beat. He had dragged him here, held him in position against his will, demanded he listen to him. An immovable object, hard as stone. Absolutely impenetrable by things such as kindness or fear. Now he swallowed, as if despite the whole speech, the words were still difficult to say out loud.
“I want you. I want you any way I can have you but if I get to choose and you let me, I want you to be mine. You drew a very short straw when it comes to which family to create bonds with. I want to be allowed to protect you, and love you, and if I’m really lucky – see you happy and know I’m the reason for it.”
And that was it, Porchay was done for. He had no defenses against that. He forgot about what the smart thing was, about protecting himself and his battered heart. He was all instinct and impulsive desire.
He dragged him in for a kiss, throwing all caution to the winds.
It was open-mouthed and wet and sloppy because Porchay honestly had no idea what he was doing. A part of his brain was grateful when Kim took over, steadying him, guiding him. His hands were on his neck, tracing Porchay’s jaw, kissing him in fervor. That lasted an eternity. Porchay had entered a black tunnel where the only thing he felt was this. He moaned and groaned against Kim’s lip, a total mess. It was magnificent.
He must have run out of air at least three times when they finally separated for more than a second. That would be a good moment for him to say something. But he seemed to have forgotten all of his vocabulary. Before he could really panic and blurt something embarrassing, Kim went back for more kissing.
He clutched his jaw, tipping Porchay’s head back to his and the trail of kisses eventually trailed down his neck, his throat and Porchay was lost, the way he had taken hold of the first item of Kim’s clothing he could reach a testament to that.
He felt like there was no turning back now, so he allowed himself to explore, running the fingers of his free hand down Kim’s chest, along his abdomen, reveling in the way the other man shuddered from his touch, letting out a groan here and there.
He wished he was better at this, he wished he knew a successful way to communicate he wanted to be touched back without actually saying the words. The next second he was convinced Kim must be a mind reader because then he also started exploring. Porchay was so caught up in the kiss, that everything felt unreal. He was still caught between disbelief this was actually happening, fear if he was doing this right. He hadn’t kissed that many people, how much did that inexperience show?
He was probably making up for that with enthusiasm or something because Kim still wasn’t pulling back, was kissing him deeper and deeper still, pressing himself further against him. He felt him tug on his shirt, until he could slip his hand underneath, his skin breaking in goosebumps everywhere he touched him. He moaned enthusiastically. Kim undid his fly in a second and Porchay instinctively tilted his hips forward, closer to his fingers.
“You have no idea the things I want to do to you,” Kim growled.
“Please,” he begged shamelessly because he wanted things done to him. His whole body was an open nerve and every little brush upon his skin was electrifying. “Don’t stop, please.” He gripped his shirt even tighter to make sure Kim wouldn’t step back and separate them.
“Have you ever done this before?” Kim asked and Porchay wanted to laugh because with his pants undone and someone’s hand inches away from his cock was the furthest he had ever been with barely kissing another person before Kim. Porchay was as much a virgin as you could get. That mental reminder caused a heady feeling that in turn made him press himself closer to Kim’s hand. He whined when instead the grip on his hipbone tightened, keeping him in place. “Answer me.”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because I very much want to fuck you right now but I’m not giving you any more reasons to hate me if this is your first time and I do it in Pa’s office with the door unlocked.”
Oh, fuck. Words like that should not be turning him on so much. What should he do? Why was he always scrambling for solid ground around this man?
“Chay,” Kim said in a warning and sounded like he was a second away from stepping back completely.
“I could never hate you,” he blurted out, panicking. “I am mad at you for lying but I don’t hate you. And-“ he bit his lips and looked up nervously, embarrassed to admit something like this. “I haven’t done anything like this before.” He quickly reached to grab his wrist when Kim went to pull it away. “But I want to! Please, just-“ He closed his eyes shut, furiously thinking. He had to admit to himself he wasn’t ready to have sex for the first time practically in public minutes after somewhat straightening things out with his ex. But he was still hard, the awkward conversation hadn’t affected that. So he wanted- something. “Maybe not all the way. Just-“ His eyes went to the door behind Kim. Fuck, what was he thinking? This was ridiculous, he couldn’t do this. He was making a fool of himself.
His hands fell uselessly by his sides, and he flushed in what felt like bitter humiliation when Kim determinedly and successfully pulled back, Porchay not having the strength to fight him about it anymore. His eyes didn’t start burning with tears when he turned his back to him but it was close. Only-
He let out a small and breathy “ah” when Kim, instead of opening the door and walking out, leaving him to lick his wounds in shame, instead locked it, the turning of the key unmistakable. Then he walked back to him.
Kim dropped to his knees and Porchay just about swallowed his own tongue.
“Are you sure?” He checked once again. His mouth was so dry he would have preferred to simply nod but a verbal response felt more appropriate.
“I am,” he said and lifted his hand at the same time, tracing his trembling fingers from his forehead, down his left cheek, stopping at his lips that now parted underneath his touch. He watched how Kim slowly drew one finger deeper into his mouth, his tongue coming to play with the sensitive pad and had the very clear and mortifying thought that this was going to be over very soon. He just hoped Kim wasn’t disappointed and took it as a compliment to his skills to give blowjobs. The unavoidable shame he was about to bring over his own head was not enough for Porchay to stop this, of course.
He had read posts all over the Internet, praising the unearthly beauty of this man. To have a front-row seat to these perfect features in such an intimate moment almost felt like a crime, too good to be allowed without the greatest repercussions. And yet here Porchay stood, half undressed, hard and leaking, desperate to be touched, and Kim was looking at him, his eyes dark and heavy with desire, like he was an especially delectable dish he couldn’t wait to devour.
Letting his finger go, the other man looked briefly down, pushing his thumbs underneath the elastic band of Porchay’s boxers. Once he had a firm grip, he started pulling down and Porchay had to bite his lip to stop another embarrassingly loud moan from slipping out. He widened his stance further, pressing his back more against the wall behind him for support. He wanted to break the eye contact but wanted every second of this to stay in his memory.
A full body shiver and a tingly sensation went down his spine when he took him in his mouth. Kim’s lips on his fresh were feverishly hot, teasing. He sucked and he licked and Porchay had never known sensations like these existed.
He gripped his hips with both hands. It was a good call, Porchay didn’t trust himself not to do something as stupid as trying to fuck his mouth.
Then he started bobbing his head, up and down, up and down, along his whole length, and Porchay thought he was going to lose it. The moans slipping from between his parted lips were constant now. He was pretty sure his breath had synched with the movements of Kim’s head, which practically meant he was panting, inhaling and exhaling in short and quick bursts. He could feel the head of his cock hitting the back of Kim’s throat, and it was wet and hot and he had never felt this good in his life.
He thought about trying to say something along those lines, come up with some sort of praise, tell Kim how amazing he was making him feel but his brain was a mush. Up and down, up and down, the tongue swirling everywhere, caressing his tip like a sensual flirtation. The slurping noises he would have found disgusting on any other occasion were the most erotic things he had heard.
He had had in mind to warn him when he started coming, he thought it would be the polite thing to do, but it honestly happened so fast, it even surprised him. The building wave of elation crested from one second to the next and he exploded in Kim’s mouth and all he could focus on was locking his knees so as not to crumble on the floor.
It took a few long seconds for him to come down from his high. Blinking in a daze, he could swear the light in the room was somehow brighter, the air he breathed sweeter and cool against his flushed forehead. He wasn’t sure how he would leave this room. He probably looked a sight.
That was when he clocked into the fact that Kim was rubbing his own stiff erection and must have for a while because he looked to be close. Porchay’s mouth dried up instantly, not being able to look away. It would be too soon to ask to return the favor, he told himself firmly. There was no way he would do a good job, probably choke himself. Better save himself from that embarrassment.
Kim wasn’t taking his eyes off of him. It nearly made his cock twitch seconds after his orgasm because that either meant giving head usually did it for Kim or he had got this hard for Porchay specifically. He didn’t know how to deal with that information in a sane way. And, please, could someone tell him what he had done right by just standing there supported by a wall, moaning like a desperate whore and zero contribution, so he could take notes?
Just a handful of strokes, that’s all it took for Kim to find his release. Porchay blushed to the roots of his hair, desperately hoping and mortified by the thought having his cock in Kim’s mouth, had been enough to achieve that result.
He could still hear the thunder of his heartbeat in his ears when Kim suddenly stood up, crashing their lips in a deep kiss. He shyly and curiously probed at his lips, to see if he would be able to taste something different. Kim met him halfway and while he didn’t get a definite answer, he was sure that last ending kiss was just as good as all the previous ones. Oh, his lips felt so swollen and pleasantly tingly.
He untangled his stiff fingers from his hair, trying to remember how hard he had pulled. If he had hurt him at some point, Kim wasn’t saying anything.
“Are you okay?” He whispered when their lips parted.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You don’t regret it?” He asked, letting a trace of vulnerability show in his voice and later his face when he leaned slightly back so they could see each other properly.
“No, I don’t.” It had been a spur-of-the-moment decision but he had made it and it had felt so good. “I don’t know what it meant, though. I don’t know what follows,” he admitted.
Kim didn’t say anything for a moment but leaned down to pull up Porchay’s underwear and pants and took the time to fix both of their clothes. Porchay watched him go to the desk and pull out a box of tissues to clean his hand and the mess he had left on the floor. With his heat no longer plastered at his front, he instinctively hugged himself and stepped away from the wall.
“Kim,” he prompted, refusing to let him shut down on him again. “Tell me where do we go from here. Was this a one-time thing?”
“I told you I don’t want that,” he said stiffly.
“Yeah, well, you said a lot of things and I’m kind of still processing.”
“Did you believe me?” He threw the tissues in the trash. “Because I think that is the most important thing here. If you don’t trust me, we go nowhere. And this will remain nothing but a memory. I don’t think I can ever just casually fuck you.”
Porchay shivered, feeling butterflies starting to flutter in his stomach at such an admission. It pleased him immensely, the idea of Kim viewing him as more than an ordinary hook-up. What he was essentially saying was that he was in with both feet if only Porchay gave him the green light. Was he brave enough to do it after being lied to?
“I don’t want that either,” he couldn’t help but agree with him. If they went down that road, it sounded like a sure recipe for heartbreak.
“What do you want, Chay?”
“I don’t want to let this slip between my fingers. But I don’t want to rush into it. This morning I was hyping myself up to seeing you because seeing you hurts. I can’t go from that to- ”
“I’m good with taking it slow,” Kim said quickly, taking a step closer. Porchay had seen the painful wince on his face from the previous statement. He couldn’t take it back and remain truthful.
“You mean be friends?”
“At first. Desensitize you to seeing me in different circumstances, so it doesn’t hurt anymore. We can try going the natural way things should have with your brother dating mine. Spending time together and getting to know each other better.”
“I would have freaked out even more if the first time I met you was through hia, finding out about the mafia stuff on top of everything else.”
“You would have had a million and one questions at once, I am sure,” Kim teased tentatively, the hint of a soft smile curling his lips. Porchay cringed internally, remembering in vivid detail the excitement he could have done nothing to hide when standing face-to-face with his favourite music idol.
“Tell me honestly, how much of a fool do you think I was after the trivia questions? I still can’t believe I actually asked you for lessons.”
“I thought it was cute, actually.”
“You’re not just saying that?”
“No, I mean it. I received a file on you only later, the first time I met you, you weren’t Porsche’s brother, you were just you.”
“Do you think things would have ended differently for us if there was no reason to investigate? If I remained just me?” Am I enough, went unsaid. He was kind of amazed at himself, actually, and it said a lot that he still allowed himself to have these moments of vulnerability without a second thought. It was essentially the answer to Kim’s question if Porchay could trust him again.
“Can I touch you?” he asked. Porchay blinked in confusion.
“Kim, you sucked me off less than five minutes ago. Why are you asking me this?”
“Because you’re still allowed to say ‘no’. I took a lot of liberties tonight because I was trying to goad you to get a reaction out of you. I wanted to clear the air. Now we’re just talking and I’m setting boundaries.”
“You can always touch me,” he said quietly as if there was anyone else in this room besides them that could overhear. It was a truth that he wanted to hide even from himself. When he’d been angry, he’d wanted distance in a try to protect himself. But it hadn’t taken much for Kim to coax him back to eating from his hand. He craved his affection, he was starting to realize it hurt more to deny these things to himself than the sting of rejection. He was a fool.
He must have appeared especially small and vulnerable because when Kim took his face in his hands next, it was like he was handling something easily breakable. His fingers were warm, Porchay wanted to close his eyes and bask in the feeling. They had been intimate just now but it still wasn’t enough. He wanted more, he wanted him always. He guessed he had his answer if Kim asked him again if he wanted them to be together.
“Angel, listen to me.” He sucked in a breath. It was a good thing Kim made a pause, giving him the time to gather himself because he wasn’t sure he would have heard anything else after being called that. “If I had met you on the street and talked for a minute with you, you would have made an impression on me. If it had remained just you, I would still have fallen for you. I would have still called you to ask if you wanted lessons. It may have taken me an additional day but we would have gotten there.” There was a wistful expression that went and flickered over his face then.
“What is it?”
“It just made me think, I can’t decide if it’s better or worse you weren’t just an ordinary kid that was trying to get in my faculty.”
“If I was, you wouldn’t be doing this right now, would you?” he realized with cold bitterness. Kim was only pursuing him now because he believed Porchay’s innocence was a lost cause. There was no way for him to get his old life back. “You would have broken things off with me and that would have been that. No takebacks.” He almost wanted to separate them, to hide and save himself from that imaginary pain.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I would have been able to stick to it in the long run,” he admitted and it obviously pained him. Porchay had so many questions. He wanted to know what he was so scared of. He could see how life in the mafia, even an adjacent one, was dangerous, he wasn’t a complete fool. But why was Kim so determined, to the point of hurting both of them, to keep him away?
“Then maybe imaginary you have more sense.”
“No,” he shook his head. He was so stubborn. “No, I told you. I am sorry I hurt you but you’re better off without me.”
“No, I am not. Kim-“
“I guess I am just selfish enough and damn lucky the universe is providing me a second chance,” he talked over him. “I don’t think you realize how much you’ve grown to mean to me. I tried to do the right thing but it’s been torture. I’m addicted to you. I worry if you’re okay and safe but I also want to spend time with you, plain and simple. Ask your opinions about ransom stuff, eat with you, write music with you again. There are so many things I want with you. And that’s all you, Chay. Don’t ever doubt if you’re enough.”
“We can’t remain just friends if you say stuff like that to me,” he whispered, suddenly out of breath.
“Then how about this? I won’t actively flirt with you.”
“Please don’t.” He had no defenses against that. Porchay would end up in his bed and completely naked by the end of the week.
“But I also won’t hide, not even in front of you, how precious you are to me.”
“Will there be kissing?” he asked, obviously catching Kim in surprise.
“I mean, I would be a fool not to agree to that. I just thought-”
“I don’t want to be your friend, Kim. I don’t think it would work any better than casual fuck buddies. We need something in the middle.”
“Like what?”
“Slow dating. We get to know each other, like you said. Nothing more than making out, nothing less than holding hands and casual touching like you’re doing now.” He gave a pointed look to Kim’s hands that had let go of his face, only to slip down to his hands. He was rubbing small, Porchay thought unconscious, circles along his wrists. It was soothing and felt great and he wanted him to keep doing things like that in the future. “I mean, if hand-holding is your thing. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable over something like that.”
“I don’t have a problem with it. You just need to know that if we do it in public, someone will take a photo and then it will be all over the Internet.”
“Oh. Yeah, right. You’re not out to your fans. Then-“
“That’s not what I meant. I’m not out because I’ve never been in a relationship. I can write a post tonight, I don’t care. I was talking about how we will be all over the Internet. You need to decide if you’re ready to publicly date me.”
Why hadn’t he thought about that himself? It wasn’t like he had forgotten Kim was a celebrity. It should have been a point of discussion the first time, as well. He guessed he hadn’t brought it up then because dating him hadn’t been the end goal.
“Can we not make a decision about that tonight? I don’t want to hide it but maybe we should wait before- I mean, we are treating this as a first-time dating essentially, correct? When you get with someone new, you don’t announce it on the first day. You see where it goes first.”
“Some people do.”
“Some people don’t have one million followers. Be more reasonable. What is your manager going to say?”
“Okay, okay,” he laughed and the butterflies in Porchay’s stomach multiplied. “I wasn’t suggesting making a statement right now, you’re right.”
“I was thinking, maybe- I mean, in the future. I mean, in two weeks or whatever, if someone directly asks, if you want to you can say- something. That you’re seeing someone? I don’t know.” He wanted to bury his face in his hands.
“Okay, I won’t say anything yet, but if someone asks or sees us together, I ask for our privacy. Let’s leave it at that.”
“Okay.” He licked his lips, realizing he was getting thirsty. Realizing they couldn’t spend the rest of the night in here. He said as much. “People are going to start wondering where you went. We should probably get going.”
“People are just going to assume I left. I need to hear it one more time.”
“What?”
“That we’re doing this. That you really want to date me.”
“We’re doing it,” he said, his head spinning a little. This was crazy. This was such a huge leap from where he had stood two hours ago. Fuck, he was still doing it, though.
Kim drew him in for a short kiss.
“Again,” he breathed. Porchay laughed out loud, surprised but couldn’t deny being incredibly happy to see him so playful.
“We’ll be dating. We’re doing it, Kim.” He was smiling and then grinning, a twin expression to Kim’s. He looked so incredibly beautiful in this moment, it made his heart hurt in the best way. If this was a mistake, if they actually weren’t ready for this, Porchay would never know if he never tried. But what he was sure about was that he had been miserable for the last two months. And Kim’s smile and seeing a terrible burden being lifted off his shoulders this very minute, deserved taking some risks.