Archive of Our Own

August 14^th 1998

The trials are finally over, at least for us. Father went to Azkaban for the rest of his life, while Mother and I have been relegated to House Arrest for the next several years. I'm finally free.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm writing in a new journal, instead of continuing the old one. Well, the answer is simple; that one was confiscated, along with practically all of our other possessions. I hope whoever is reading it now gets a good laugh.

Not only have we been sentenced to remain in the Manor, and a large chunk of our wealth and properties will be going to pay for reparations, but our home has been ransacked by the ministry several times, under the guise of looking for 'dark artifacts'. The idea that we would keep the most valuable of those out in the open for any guests to come across is laughable, and it seems they haven't found the trap door where they're hidden. Assuming we can find a way to smuggle them out to sell them, we should be able to survive until I can get an apprenticeship or some way to bring in more galleons.

Mother is in good spirits, unusually so since her husband is locked away for life, and is already talking of redecorating the Manor now that we are free to call it home once again. There are several rooms that will need to be cleaned thoroughly, those that were heavily used by the Dark Lord and his ilk, but I refuse to step foot in the formal dining room ever again, no matter how cheery the wall color.

August 22^nd 1998

It has only been a week, yet I feel as if I've only just been able to start my life. With Father gone, I no longer have to be as mindful about what I say, how loudly I laugh, or what I choose to wear to dinner. Mother has been transformed into a more vibrant version of herself, even as she endures dressing in last year's fashions. She hopes to throw an extravagant gala as soon as we are allowed visitors again, already planning and plotting away.

While I would never say that the war was a good thing, or even that I'm happy it occurred, and I do recognize how horrible it was for my family and I, I can honestly say that the outcome so far might actually have been worth it for Mother and I.

August 24^th 1998

Something unexpected happened today. I received post, which in and of itself was a surprise, but this was a letter from Professor McGonagall, inviting all of the Seventh-Year class back in order to complete their education as Hogwarts' first ever Eighth Year class. At first, I was certain this was a mistake, that she couldn't possibly have meant to invite Draco Malfoy back, but the letter was addressed to Malfoy Manor, and there was a note included at the bottom that implied all were welcome to attend, regardless of house or family affiliation.

After discussing it with Mother, we have decided that I will return, assuming the Ministry allows it. It would be rather useful to complete my education and get my N.E.W.T.s, especially because I will be taking over the family finances in the near future.

August 26^th 1998

We requested a meeting with the Aurors assigned to us, and while they didn't seem thrilled with the idea of my leaving the house, we managed to reach an agreement. I will be allowed to return to Hogwarts, with a few stipulations:

1. I am not allowed to cast spells outside of class, other than personal hygiene and cleanliness.

2. I must present my wand to my Head of House at least twice a week (on days of his choosing) to ensure compliance.

3. I cannot be caught participating in a fight.

4. I am not allowed to leave the castle grounds, even on Hogsmeade weekends.

5. I must report to the Headmistress' office once a week for a full report and another wand check.

6. I must respond promptly in the event that the Ministry requests an audience, and I cannot deny any official the right to search my room or my person.

At first, I turned my nose up at these rules, but Mother smartly suggested that most of them were meant to give the illusion that I did not have any personal freedoms, and it was unlikely that the Ministry would come calling, or that most of the rules would even hinder my daily life. After that discussion, and the reminder that I was going back to advance my education and would be free of the Manor for a year, I agreed to their list of demands.

Now all I have to do is make it through the year.

September 1^st 1998

Unbelievable! McGonagall has really lost it this time. Not only am I only one of two returning Slytherins (thank Merlin Blaise came back), but I have to share a tower and common room with the other returning Eighth Years! How could she possibly think it is a good idea to put us all in a tower together? Not to mention the fact that it's on the Fifth Floor. Who knows how long it's going to take me to remember to turn up the stairs instead of down to the Dungeons after dinner. And, I'm going to have to change my entire routine! I knew exactly how long it took me to walk from the Slytherin common room to any class, and timed my activities accordingly, but now that's all out the window!

At least I have my own room, which is something I didn't think would be a possibility. I can organize it the way I want, and I don't have to worry about Greg's laundry encroaching on my side of the room, or my personal belongings being nicked. I will miss having everyone so close though.

And of course, I forgot to mention that “The Golden Trio” has decided to deign us with their presence. Honestly, it's like Potter knew I was coming back and decided to return just to get under my skin. So now I have to see his stupid, beautiful face even more than I thought would be likely when I saw him on the train this morning.

September 4^th 1998

I don't know why I thought coming back to Hogwarts would be preferable to staying locked up in the Manor. Not only do most of the Professors look at me with disdain, but most of the students aren't shy about showing me how they feel about my family's affiliation during the war. I don't know if I'll be able to last the entire year without being seriously injured.

September 5^th  1998

I decided to work on my homework in the common room with Blaise, even though we received plenty of dirty looks from the other Eighth Years. I tried to ignore it, tried to focus on my Transfiguration text, but I wasn't expecting to look up and meet Potter's eyes. I quickly looked away of course, but it was almost as if I could feel his gorgeous gaze on me when I left to report to Slughorn.

September 8^th 1998

I learned something valuable today: the Room of Requirement still works, and it will provide medical supplies, up to a certain extent.

September 15^th 1998

It's getting more difficult to keep myself in check around most people. I've given up the hope that the student body will just forget about me and let me learn in peace. Most of the time I can get away with only a few cuts and bruises, but after the last broken wrist it might be time to admit I'll just be healing myself in secret for the rest of the year. I know I could go to the Hospital Wing, but I don't need Pomfrey looking at me with sympathy, or worse, telling McGonagall and her making a big deal about it. The last thing I need is for Saint Potter to try to take up my cause out of principle, even if it would be nice to have some of his good will turned in my direction.

I think he may be getting suspicious already though; I've noticed him scrutinizing me from across the room, and I'm certain he's noticed when I leave to let Slughorn check my wand. If only I didn't have those wand checks, I could stay safely in the tower, and none of this would be an issue.

September 28^th  1998

Potter has definitely noticed when I leave the common room. I could feel his eyes on me as I tried to make my way back to my room without letting on that I was injured. I'll have to try to be a bit more subtle; I don't need him chasing me around the castle again like in Sixth Year. Who knows what the other students will do if The Chosen One comes to my rescue. My luck, it will be even worse the next time. If I could defend myself, it wouldn't be a problem, but the worst I can do without being expelled is wash someone's mouth out with soap!

I'll need to be more cautious when I leave from now on.

October 12^th 1998

I got into a bit of a scrap with Potter today. I don't know what got into me, but it felt like he was staring at me all day, and I just couldn't take it anymore. We argued in the corridor, and he pushed me against the wall, but it was like his heart wasn't in it. The fire in his eyes was a welcome change to the normal apathy, but it was almost as if his responses were perfunctory.

It was nice to have someone to tussle with though, without fear of being badly hurt. Since we've returned, it's felt like Potter has taken extra care not to injure me, no matter what horrible thing I say to him. It's nice to be able to blow off steam and not fear broken bones. My favorite part is when he gets so angry that he gets close enough for me to see the flecks of gold in his eyes.

November 2^nd 1998

Something happened today. I left to get my wand checked as normal, and a group of Fifth Years confronted me on the stairs, also normal, but when I went to the Room of Requirement to tend to my wounds, Potter found me. I don't know how; I've been extremely careful ever since I noticed him noticing, and I know he didn't follow me down to the dungeons. Unless he was wearing his cloak. But then, I would have realized it at some point, wouldn't I?

Anyway, he tried to get into the Room, and I can't have him knowing what's happening to me or why I need the medical supplies. It would be one thing if we were friends, and he actually cared about me, but we aren't and he doesn't, so he should just keep his nose out of my business!

We fought of course, because clearly he can't stand when something is going on and he's not involved, and I'm ashamed to admit that I cast a confringo at him. Thankfully it didn't make contact, but he and the Weasel also cast spells, and they got all tangled up together. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the Hospital Wing with Pomfrey hovering over me. She immediately asked about the wounds I didn't get a chance to heal, and even mentioned some of my less than stellar bone mending, but she didn't push for answers, and she did heal everything that she could, which is something.

Potter was in the bed next to mine, and it was a horrible sight. After almost dying during the battle, I'd hoped he would never see another hospital bed again, and here he was, all because of me. He just needs to stay away from me. I'm no good for his well-being.

November 8^th 1998

I don't know why, but I'm having trouble keeping my eyes off of Potter. I'm not saying it wasn't a problem before, he's obviously fit, but I could at least hide it better in the past. What's wrong with me? I'm getting distracted in class and in the common room, and it's like I'm forgetting to eat during meals.

November 15^th  1998

Potter is staring at me more than normal. Maybe he's trying to figure out why I'm staring at him? I can't help but react when he looks so attractive just sitting across from me or passing in the corridor. I was so distracted in the common room tonight that I cut my finger on my Potions essay. I'm sure Slughorn won't like the extra ingredient.

November 16^th 1998

Potter is infuriating! He followed me down to the dungeons tonight, because of course he did. Luckily, he didn't hear any of my and Slughorn's conversation, because the oaf mentioned the confringo spell I cast a few weeks ago. I wonder what Potter would do if he knew I could get expelled if it was reported to the Ministry? Thankfully, I was able to convince Slughorn that I only cast it as a last resort, for my safety. He's witnessed how some of the students act toward me, and even a few of the more superficial wounds I keep in case any of them get suspicious, and it wouldn't be a stretch for him to imagine what I have to face in the corridors at night.

I decided to confront Potter in the corridor afterward. Of course, that meant casting another questionable spell, but I can easily explain the disillusionment charm away to Slughorn. The dumbfounded look on Potter's face when I pulled his invisibility cloak off of him was adorable, but I wish he would stop following me. I don't need him to be such a distraction when I'm just trying to survive the year and finish my education.

Something else happened too. I don't know what he did, but when Potter's chest ran into my shoulder, there was some sort of spark. I don't know what it means, or where it came from, and it didn't hurt really, but it's odd, right?

November 18^th  1998

Something is wrong. Like really wrong. I've been feeling more drawn to Potter than I ever have. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything or any one when Potter is around. It must have something to do with that spark, right? I couldn't even get it up for my usual wank tonight, but all day I was tenting at the most inopportune times. I haven't had that many awkward erections in public since I was thirteen!

Oh Merlin, what if I'm cursed?

November 19^th 1998

I'm definitely cursed!! I took extra time this evening to really set the mood, and pulled out all the stops, but I couldn't get an erection no matter what I tried. I'm supremely frustrated, both sexually and otherwise. I don't understand why all of a sudden I can get hard at the drop of a hat in the corridor, but not when I'm actually trying to. It's not like there's anything incredibly sexy about castle walls, and most of the people in this god-forsaken place aren't nearly attractive enough to make me...Wait.

Oh no, I just realized that Potter was nearby during most, if not all, of those unnecessary erections. I have a theory, and I truly hope I'm wrong.

November 20^th  1998

I'm not wrong!

I tried one more time to take care of myself, which ended disappointingly, and then I just had to know. I went to Potter's room, and of course as soon as I was near him my dick hardened immediately. It was embarrassing to explain, but thankfully Saint Potter let me do what I needed to do without much complaint.

It was nice to be able to look at him while I wanked, even though it was only his back. He has a nice back. It was easy to imagine him turning around and joining me, and I honestly thought at one point he was going to. Turn around I mean. And then later, he was holding the edge of the desk so tightly that his knuckles turned white. I wonder what he was thinking about. I almost asked him before I left his room, but figured I wouldn't like his answer, so I left without asking.

November 22^nd 1998

I'm more cursed than I thought, and somehow Potter is intimately involved.

I thought maybe if I wanked near him once that would break the curse, but no, I tried again yesterday and this afternoon and nothing. Potter stayed frustratingly closed up in his room the whole weekend, and I wasn't about to beg him to come in again. At least, I wasn't until this evening.

He didn't answer when I knocked, and I thought he was ignoring me, but when I opened the door, the room was empty. (Don't judge me.) I found him in the shower, which was pretty helpful for me because not only would I get my wank, but I would be next to a naked, wet Potter. Just the thought of it has my dick twitching, only I know I won't get hard, because I'm cursed!

So, there I am, in the shower next to Potter, trading insults and listening to his lovely voice as I fondle my bits, when all of a sudden, I feel something flick my nipples! Then, it was as if another hand was wanking along with mine, and I could hear Potter making noises on the other side of the wall.

Merlin help me, I think Potter was wanking while I was, and I think I could feel it.

November 24^th  1998

Well, I'm going to die. It was nice

Potter found me after a particularly brutal fight last night, and I now realize it was because he could feel everything as it happened to me. I hope he didn't sustain any injuries himself.

Not that it matters, because we're both going to die.

The stupid noble man took me to Pomfrey when I passed out from blood loss, and now we both know what's happening to us. Somehow, my confringo, Potter's expelliarmus, and the Weasel's incarcerous combined to create what amounts to a Marriage Bed bond.

Side note, how could someone as attractive as Potter still be a virgin?! He's had women throwing themselves at him since he was fifteen. Surely, he had the chance with at least one of them. I thought he'd at least bedded the Weaselette if nothing else. Perhaps it's because he's not attracted to women? I could best not to think like that.

Back to the bond. It explains everything; my lack of appetite, the lethargy, my inability to keep my eyes off of Potter (although let's be honest, it wasn't so easy before this either), the warmth I felt when I looked at him and especially when we touched, the fact that we could feel each other when we wanked. Honestly, most of it has been decent, especially now that I know it was Potter's hand I felt in the shower.

Unfortunately, I can't go through with completing the bond. Malfoys are more susceptible to the confines of a bond like this, and if I let it progress to consummation, I'll never be free of Potter. I'll always be drawn to him, always feel incomplete without him, and I know he won't feel the same way. I can't live my life always pining for him, and it would crush me to watch him move on and marry the Weaselette, or someone that isn't me, so I've made the decision for both of us. Sadly, I had to be cruel about it; there was no way I would be explaining any of this to him.

It shouldn't be long.

November 27^th 1998

I don't know what Potter has told the Weasel, but it clearly wasn't the truth, otherwise I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have tried to bully me into breaking the curse. As if he could bully me. Ha! It was tiring though, having to expend the energy to even argue with him. Being able to reject him and see the frustration and dejection on his face was almost worth getting into this mess in the first place.

November 29^th 1998

I've made the worst, best mistake of my life.

I knew this whole bond thing was going to be painful, but when Potter came to me this evening to try and convince me to reconsider, I didn't realize just how horrible I'd gotten until he touched me. Merlin, I felt better than I have in weeks! I know he felt it too, I could see it in his eyes.

The way he offered to 'get close' so that we wouldn't have to fuck for long was both the sweetest thing I'd ever heard, and the most gut-wrenching. Of course he wouldn't want to be joined with me any longer than necessary. I could feel my willpower ebbing, and the longer he touched me, the more I wanted to give in. So, I said yes.

I agreed that we would wank separately, and come together to complete the bond, as long as he didn't touch me any more than necessary. One hundred percent transactional, nothing more. At least I would know what it felt like to be inside him at least once, right?

Not so much, as it turns out.

We got ourselves ready, and I was not prepared for the sight of his broad back and muscled chest covered in scars. Maybe in another life, I would have asked about them. Unfortunately, he caught sight of my sectumsempra scar. I'd hoped to keep that deformity hidden from him forever. Of course he had to be sweet about it. He didn't apologize, but I could tell he was sorry.

I was also not prepared for the sight of a naked Potter in all his glory. Logically, I knew he'd have to get at least mostly starkers in order for us to complete the bond, but knowing and seeing are two very different things. Merlin, his arse would put anyone else to shame. Once we were close, I knew it was time to complete the bond, but he apparently had a different idea on how things were going to go.

Even though I was loathe to admit it, what he said made sense. In a way, I was a virgin too. At least, my arse was. And who better to take that virginity, and go where no one had been or would ever go, than the one I would be obsessed with for the rest of my life? So, I said yes. Again. Even though his dick was not small.

I told him not to touch me, even though that's all I wanted, and the heat of his eyes on me was practically searing, so I told him not to look at me either. He did try to comply, which is something. I don't know if I could have opened myself up with him watching me, but the noises and faces he made while I did it are burned into my memory. It was highly erotic, I'll tell you that. I knew he'd feel what I was doing, so I made sure to be extra sensual with it. I wonder if he's ever fingered himself? I wonder if he ever will, now that he knows what it feels like?

When he started wanking while I was still getting ready, I thought I might explode right then. The fact that he was turned on enough to do that still brings a blush to my cheeks. I had to stop him though, otherwise we'd have had to try again. Not that I would have minded, but I'm sure he has better things to do than try to break a marriage bond with Draco Malfoy.

I'll never forget the feeling of his dick as it slid into me, for as long as I live, however long that may be. I'm going to have to find a way to make a realistic replica or something, because I may lose my mind if I never get to feel that again. The sounds that he made, and the way he grabbed my hips even though I told him not to touch me were so hot, and when he thrusted into me with no warning? Merlin I had to focus harder than I ever have not to come.

The warmth that engulfed us as we rocked together was both encouraging and bittersweet, because it meant that the bond was close to being fulfilled. Potter didn't know that of course, and he must have thought we needed to orgasm at the same time, because he reached out started wanking me like he did it all the time. Fuck it was hot. I couldn't resist anymore, and I kissed him as I came.

He kissed me back, but it had to be simply in the heat of the moment, and I can't afford to fool myself into thinking he felt anything for me but loathing, so I kicked him out shortly after.

And now I sit here, on the bed where Potter lay naked such a short time ago, writing about my feelings. Merlin, how quickly the bond can take hold.

I'm not going to change these sheets until Potter's scent is gone.

How sentimental.

December 5^th  1998

Life has been more difficult than I anticipated, now that the bond has been satisfied. I've done my best to avoid Potter as much as possible, afraid I might do something idiotic like try to kiss him again, but the pull has been difficult to avoid. I've taken to casting a disillusionment charm just so I could be near him and memorize his features without his knowing. I avoid looking at him when I'm visible, because I don't know what I'd do if he looked back.

It almost seems like he's sad to see me withdraw from his life. It feels like he looks for me when he enters the common room or a classroom that we share, and his eyes wonder toward me during meals, but surely it's just the lingering effects of his loss of virginity and not any real feelings toward me specifically.

As soon as he finds someone to fill the void, he'll move on.

But I don't know how much longer I can stand this feeling without doing something I might regret.

December 6^th  1998

I'm about to do something incredibly stupid. I can't shake the feeling that Potter might feel at least a fraction of what I do, and I desperately want to know if that's true or if I'm simply deluding myself. So, I've come up with a plan. It's not the best plan, simple even, but at least I'll know if he's interested or not.

Wish me luck!