Chapter Text
Leo was really starting to feel the pressure.
He laid on his stomach, his brows furrowed. He glared intensely at the sheet of paper he was holding. To the average eye it just looked like sheet music, but to Leo it was a terrifying beast.
He hummed the melody he wrote over and over, experimenting with new notes and phrases, but nothing sounded right to him. No matter what he did, the tune sounded boring.
Leo let out a small groan and buried his face into his pillow, dropping the sheet music to the side. He felt his eyes welling with tears, and the helplessness of the situation began to set in.
He was so overwhelmed. All he could do was keep writing, but he felt as if his music got worse with every note that fell on the paper. His hand hurt, his body was tired, and his mind had more self-depricating thoughts than melodies.
Leo felt his chest tightening. He glanced over at his nightstand. Under the crumpled papers was a small pocket knife, barely sticking out enough for Leo to see. He hesitated for a minute, catching his breath and staring at the shine of metal.
It had been a while since Leo had tried anything that drastic, but he was feeling so tired. In that moment, he was desperate for something to give him relief.
He slowly brushed past the torn and crumpled papers, grabbing the handle of the blade. It was small and blunt, but it was enough to fill him with a strange sense of peace. It was a familiar comfort.
He placed the blade against his forearm, hesitating for a moment to look at his own reflection in the dull metal. He looked so tired, so foreign. It was hard to even recognize his face.
In a quick swipe, Leo drew the blade against his skin. He winced at the feeling, immediately dropping the pocketknife and pulling his arm close to his chest. He felt warm blood ooze into his hand. The searing pain warned him that he'd gone too deep.
He blinked away tears of pain and grabbed a fist full of crumpled paper, holding it against the cut in a pathetic attempt to stop the bleeding. It didn't do much, though. Small, red dots began to litter his sheets.
His head was pounding. Regret was beginning to settle. He felt disgusting. He wanted to do it again just to help with his guilt.
Before he could, his phone began to buzz. He glanced at the ID on the screen.
Sena.
Leo felt a hint of relief. He was hoping for a distraction, and Izumi was the perfect one. Leo loved hearing his voice.
"Hi Sena! I'm so happy you called!" Leo said playfully, working hard to keep up his typical happy persona as he looked down at the deep red cut on his arm.
"Are you home?" Izumi replied bluntly, "I've been knocking on your door for a while. I want to talk to you about the new song."
Leo felt the blood rush from his face. The room began to spin. He ran towards the window, looking towards the door. Sure enough, Izumi was standing nonchalantly on his front porch. Leo tried to duck away, but Izumi managed to lock eyes with him through the window even faster.
"Hahaha! I didn't even hear you. I must have had my music playing too loud. I'll uh... I'll let you in in a sec!"
Leo was worried Izumi could hear the shaking in his voice. He couldn't believe he didn't notice. The pounding in his head must have masked the pounding at the door.
He set his phone on his nightstand, leaving Izumi on the call. He could hear some disgruntled muttering, but was too focused on covering up the situation.
His cut was bad. It was long, stretching across most of his forearm. It was deep, too, and still bleeding heavily. Leo threw away the blood-soaked paper, burying it deep in the trash. He picked up a dirty shirt off the ground to wrap around the wound, rolling his baggy hoodie sleeves over the mound of cloth. It was sloppy, but it would have to work.
"I'm still out here, Leo. What's taking so long?" Izumi grumbled through the phone.
"I'm coming, Sena! Just a second!" Leo shouted back, grabbing his phone and running out of his bedroom. He tried to keep his arm elevated as he walked, hoping he could keep it from bleeding until he could safely clean it up.
He opened the door. Izumi immediately furrowed his brows.
"Have you been crying?" he asked.
Leo instinctively rubbed at his eyes, "No, of course not!"
Izumi gave him a skeptical look, but shrugged and walked in, removing his coat and shoes. He looked so calm and collected compared to Leo, who hadn't left bed all morning. Izumi's hair was always done so beautifully, falling softly against his forehead. His bright, sharp eyes made their way over to Leo's. In the brief moment of eye contact, Leo felt a crushing guilt. He admired Izumi so much. He couldn't let him know what had happened. He didn't want Izumi to think of him as so pathetic.
"Sorry for dropping by so suddenly. I wanted to see what you've been working on so I could prepare." Izumi said, "It's getting really close to our next live, and I'm not sure I'll have time to rehearse with my schedule."
Leo laughed, but felt his chest tighten again at the mention of his music. Just thinking about it made him feel like he was going to explode from stress. He couldn't bear to show it, though. Especially in front of Izumi.
"Of course! I'd be happy to show you," he bluffed, "Would you mind waiting here while I go grab it?"
Izumi gave him a look of confusion, glancing around the room, "Don't you keep your equipment in your room? I was hoping I could listen to at least a demo of it."
Leo thought back to the state of his room, to the wound on his arm. He didn't even have a demo to show Izumi, but he didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to admit that he'd been wallowing in his own depression instead of making progress on the song.
"Yeah, haha! I do! We should go on up there, shouldn't we?" Leo practically shouted, working overtime to keep his happy persona. He didn't have a plan once they got in there, but he hoped something was pop in his brain on the way.
Nothing popped in his brain.
Izumi entered Leo's room, pausing in the doorway. He seemed to be taking in the state of the room. He was used to the room being messy, but never to that extent. Leo began to feel embarrassed, looking with him at the papers torn on every surface, the trash and clothes littering the floor, and the empty energy drinks filling his desk.
Izumi slowly stepped in, watching the ground to avoid stepping on anything. He made his way over to the bed, where he stiffly sat down.
Leo felt his face heat up from embarrassment. He had the gorgeous Izumi sitting on his unwashed sheets surrounded by trash.
"I... left it on a flash drive somewhere. It might take me a while to find it in the mess..." Leo mumbled lightheartedly, already planning on pretending he lost it. It was better than admitting it never existed.
"Take your time," Izumi said, looking around the room.
Leo hated the look on Izumi's face. He couldn't tell if it was disgust or pity. Every time his eyes locked on something in the room, his gaze sharpened a little more. Leo watched his nose twitch and suddenly became self-concious about the smell of rot in the room.
Leo turned his gaze to the desk, pretending to dig through the drawers to hide the tears building up in his eyes. His arm hurt worse the more he moved it, reminding him of his shame.
After a moment, he laughed lightly and turned back to Izumi, "I can't find it! I swear I put it right-"
His heart dropped. He felt his head go cold.
Sitting on the bed, Izumi was holding a small pocketknife, stained red at the tip with wet blood. He'd left it on the bed.
Leo felt frozen. He felt dizzy. He wasn't sure if Izumi had put the pieces together yet. His brain was scrambling to come up with excuses.
Izumi locked eyes with him. His eyes pierced Leo so deeply. He stood up from the bed and walked towards Leo, studying his face. Leo knew he didn't look good. He could feel sweat dripping down his face. His eyes were puffy from holding back tears.
Izumi paused in front of him, glancing down. Leo followed the gaze and raised his hand, looking at the drops of blood that had fallen to his fingertips.
He opened his mouth to speak, but Izumi was fast. He pulled up the sweater sleeve, revealing the shirt covering the wound, splotched red with blood.
Izumi quickly but delicately took off the wrap, staring intensely at the gash. Leo stared at it, too. It didn't look any better. If anything, it looked worse. Blood was messily smeared all over his arm. He could see his layers of skin glistening in the cut.
Leo shakily brought his gaze up, locking eyes yet again with Izumi. Leo felt ashamed of the way he was looking at him, like he was some dead cat he found in the street. There was a mix of disgust, fear, and pity in his eyes.
"Sena, I-"
"What the hell is this?" Izumi cut him off.
Leo looked at the ground.
"Did you do this?" Izumi asked. He sounded so angry.
Leo felt so small nodding his head. He felt so afraid. He adored Izumi. He thought he was so cool, so beautiful and collected. He always knew what to do and say. In front of him, Leo was showing just how broken he was.
Izumi dropped Leo's arm. He ran his hand through his own hair, looking surprisingly shaken up.
"We... can't just leave it like that. Let's go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up."
Izumi walked ahead, leaving Leo alone to follow.